kgcolonel Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Could be a long day for DB with 14 years of betrayal to unravel. Stay strong DB. You have done nothing wrong and you definitely deserve so much better than what your W and your scumbag brother did to you!! Scum of the earth. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just a word from someone STILL processing 40 years of betrayal ... KARMA. And that's the word. This is something you'll deal with if they don't. I make my husband go through it with me or know that I'm going through it when something new occurs to me or realized usually because of reading here. Otherwise only I should suffer?!!! No FCKKING way. I would be devoured from the inside out by hatred and resentment. I won't go further into how hard it is. Just leave it that that's what it is and it was my choice. If you divorce, you will still have to rearrange your history for yourself since you just found out your memory of it was wrong. That will be painful, but most of us have to do it. Then you'll be better. Life will dole out their karma. What they've done is heinous and the pain and disgust they encounter in you and the other members of the two families, not to mention your children will be a lot of it. They will be pretty much pariahs. Their karma. Just.saying... She stayed to avoid this karma. The whole notion of karma is that it's there because of the action. There's no avoiding it. So if you decide to reconcile, i.e., she chooses you and you agree to try to make your marriage work, you will be her karma. If you're not prepared for that, divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 One more point about my take on karma (not necessarily an authoritative either) in the context of betrayal in the family... The fact that my sister in law seemingly got away scott free makes me nuts and I don't pat myself and say oh she'll get her due. The only comfort is that she may be a little nuts. Otherwise I have to go the next step and say she'll get it next birth, and that just doesn't work. 'Karma' was just a useful word. I do know that I will have to get over this for myself and don't really believe I'm responsible for their 'karma.' I'm saying to you, however, that it is harder to do if you stay together. But it's not impossible. I also see that, see the light of freedom at the end of the tunnel. But NO WAY I'll encourage others to go through it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (Everyone is purely responsible for their own Karma. But I'm not going to go into it right now.... ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (Everyone is purely responsible for their own Karma. But I'm not going to go into it right now.... ) sorry for any misuse. It was convenient and my point was something else. I don't need to know (if anyone does). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I'm sure he needs an extra large shovel to clean up her mess and lies. Well, DB can hand her the shovel and run as far away as quickly as he can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doublebetrayal Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) My life as I knew it has completely turned upside down. I decided to confront both my wife and brother at the same time, along with my son present. I know you guys advised against having my son there, but I wanted to make sure my son got to say/hear what he needed so that he could heal, just like for myself, and hopefully be on track torwards healing. I asked the brother to come over as he lives nearby he came in no time. I then invivted my son and wife to join us while the other kids were doing their own things. I was calm, and told them both that I knew they were having an affair. My wife literally tried to deny it saying "how can you accuse me of such a thing?!" but before any of us could say anything, my son angrily yelled at her "mum we know ok?!?!". You should have seen their faces. The wife then instantly burst into tears, meanwhile the brother remained silent and shocked. I kept calm as possible as I told them that they don't have to have an affair anymore, that they could have each other. I made sure not to be interrupted while I spoke. I told my brother that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and my wife that I wanted an amicable divorce, that beyond the kids/divorce, we have nothing to talk about anymore. They were both crying eventually, begging for my forgiveness. I felt pitty for them as I could tell they were embarrassed having my son there with us. I gave my son the opportunity to say what he wanted to say, he basically told his mother and uncle to go to hell. I did tell him that she was still his mother and to respect her, but he wasn't interested. Wife was hysterical, but I think that gave my son the opportunity to let his mother and uncle "have it". I'm positively sure he will be ok, he will get over it eventually and start speaking to his mother, I believe IC will help. I told the wife that since everything is in my name (under a business I own), she will get nothing from the divorce that belongs to me. She is well off on her own anyway, but she will take a huge downgrade in lifestyle without me. I told her that I wanted her out of my house, that she can move in with my brother or wherever she wants to go. The kids can come to visit them whenever they want, but they are both to stay away from my house. This has caused some problems as you can understand Christmas is coming up, and my parents have 16 children so we all get together for a big Christmas bbq lunch every year. There are a lot of us!!! as you can imagine, 16 kids plus their spouses and inlaws, God knows how many grandkids, and a handful of great grandkids all at the same venue, our Christmas's are always the best... but sadly not this year!!! It makes me really sad, because that was my absolute favourite time of the year. We all get on fine and love having a laugh between us, the kids love spending time with each other etc. even writing it hurts that it won't be the same anymore. I don't know how to tell my family. My family will be so devastated, as we are all one big close family, this just ruins everything. I was closest with my brother because we have always lived near each other and saw each other regularly all our adult lives. As for my other sibblings we are spread across interstate, but still love each other and maintain regular contact. Anyway guys, I am at a loss for what to do regarding family exposure. My wife and brother begged me not to say anything to anyone until at least Christmas is over, but I think that would be the best time to announce we are getting a divorce. What do you guys think? I also want to mention that I am definitely NOT considering taking her back. I made this very clear when she said that she would do anything to gain my trust back. Told her I knew about the extent of the affair, not to bother even trying to convince me she "loves me". She quickly dropped the crocodile tears and I realised i'm dealing with a sociopath here. Anyway I hope this update answers a few questions, also sorry for not being able to update you sooner. It has been hell for me, and busy. I will try to address each response when I get a chance. One more thing. THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart!!!! I appreciate the support, I knew you would be good support as you were for my mate a few years back, but you have all nonetheless exceeded my expectations! I love you all, truly thank you once again. DB. Edited December 11, 2015 by doublebetrayal 11 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I personally, in your position, would advise the most important people, by mail. Your parents and hers. Then, whatever announcement you wish to make at Christmas, at least your parents will already have had the respect of being informed beforehand. Ask them to please refrain from discussing the matter with any other member of the family. You wish to keep it private until YOU are ready or present, to discuss it. Do not hold any resentment towards her family if you can help it. Not saying you do, but feelings run high and it may go that they will be extremely torn in their sympathies.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 What a nightmare. So sorry x Do you need to 'announce' anything? Could you just let a few people know who absolutely need to and then leave it till after Christmas. It will sour the event for everyone and that seems a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 And you should be very clear about the depth of their affair and length of the affair with the adults in your family and her family. This type of affair affects everyone. It is a truly selfish, disturbing act. Double betrayal Your wife and your brother need to feel those consequences. They have to see and feel that they not only hurt you but their children and their own siblings/parents as well. You conducted the exposure very well. I hope she gives you the amicable divorce you have asked for. I know you love "your" children. But I do hope you get the dba tests done in your kids. Not out if revenge but to know who their father is as well as let your wife and brother feel the depth of their betrayal. And calling your wife a sociopath is being kind. HM Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Did she even attempt to give you an explanation? Was anything said about paternity? Having her move out as soon as possible is best for everyone, why fake it through the holidays. Let them deal with the consequences, she's not your problem anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 They are feeling bad and embarrassed because they got caught nothing more. Sorry for you and your family. I would do full exposure all at once. No need to dribble this thing out. They do deserve each other. I hope they are ostracized. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 If you want a quick and amicable divorce, having minimum to 0 contact with your STBXW and her family and not exposing will be in your best interest. Well, that's what I would advice in most cases. But given your wife's profile I would say you're in for a hellish time no matter what you do. Expose to your family ASAP and, if you really need to, expose the affair to her family as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 There is no way to keep this secret with a young son in the mix. He won't be able to hold it in at that age. It'll just dribble out and the endless explanations, etc. I'd do it all at once and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Well, the son has known since the dad did, and there's no post indicating "My son's gone and blabbed it to everyone already".... If his father advised him to not to speak to anyone about it, it seems the son has complied. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Doublebetrayal, you need to expose this affair right away before WW and OM start telling their lies first to do damage control. Remember those that are heard first are believed more then those that speak up after them. Your family and WW's family deserve to know the truth. They need the truth to be able to support you and to help you heal from being double betrayed. The need the truth to understand your need to go No Contact, NC with the WW and OM for the rest of your life. Whether you just found out 1 day or 300 days before Christmas does not matter for the next Christmas is still to be spent without the WW and OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Well, the son has known since the dad did, and there's no post indicating "My son's gone and blabbed it to everyone already".... If his father advised him to not to speak to anyone about it, it seems the son has complied. except there is more than one child. OP, you should contact the host (i assume your parents) and discuss it with them. whether it comes out today or 12/26 is not a big deal in the grand scheme. BTW if the host is not your parents, you should tell them. follow their lead. if it is too much you can skip it (why ruin it for all). further by involving your son you will be placed in a difficult position of defending his mom (you already have). lastly, have you seen an attorney. while the laws differ most care less about the titling of property/business if it was created during the M (after all for a business - either funds were used to start, funds diverted to build it or sacrifices were done). Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 except there is more than one child. It appears the remainder of the siblings are as yet unaware... Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Anyway guys, I am at a loss for what to do regarding family exposure. My wife and brother begged me not to say anything to anyone until at least Christmas is over, but I think that would be the best time to announce we are getting a divorce. What do you guys think? I think you should go ahead and inform your parents and siblings before the Christmas get together (now) so that they'll have time to equilibrate and be there to support you... as opposed to giving them shocking news at Christmas and having it dominate the festivities. It won't be a secret for long anyway, and it will be a lot better to just be open about it than to tell some and try to shield others. Let your siblings inform their kids. The worst possible scenario would be for word to be spreading as everyone arrives, and that's exactly what will happen if you don't get it out ahead of time. You need the support of your family, so in one sense it's not such a bad thing that the timing is what it is. Of course your wife and brother would like to convince you to rug-sweep it until after the holidays. They's like to be able to show up and be all smiles and sociable while you sit in a corner dealing with the devastation alone. Don't allow that. You don't owe them cooperation with their desire to minimize or escape the natural consequences––let the chips fall where they may. I am sorry for the pain and humiliation you're going through. I am glad you'll have lots of loyal loved ones around you during the holidays. You seem to be dealing with it pretty well based on what you've posted, and I hope you continue to do this well. All my best to you DB. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I think you should go ahead and inform your parents and siblings before the Christmas get together (now) so that they'll have time to equilibrate and be there to support you... as opposed to giving them shocking news at Christmas and having it dominate the festivities. I concur with this. Don't "keep up appearances" for the sake of a holiday that will now be imprinted on your brain as D-Day. Tell your family to get that support and let your STBXW figure out her own holiday without your kinfolk... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 love the fact they begged you to not tell anyone before Christmas. How convenient for them. "Let's carry on living a lie in front of everyone, because WE don't want to look bad at this time of year...." I guess they forgot how it might feel to be cheated on, and to find out - at this time of year... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I decided to confront both my wife and brother at the same time What a story! Sorry about all of this deception. Now this... "I have discovered that you had an affair, therefore, I get to keep the kids, the house, the furniture, all of the assets acquired during our 14yr marriage, you shall leave my house, never to step on it again, and you shall receive no alimony. As determined by DB" I know that´s what you want but I don´t think that´s even legal, unless she agrees to all of that. Hope the holidays bring you a little bit of joy regardless, and that your family supports you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 You should go ahead and finish this exposure and start to heal, there is no good time to reveal this kind of truth. At least you will have family around to help support you and your son... The sooner it's over the better, I remember the hardest part was living with their lies myself and the same with your son. A burden is lifted when all the truth lays in front of everyone........ All this started with a huge amount of lies, it's time for the honesty no more lies, no more pretending........ I am so sorry for you to have to go through all this...........I wouldn't worry about either one now, they made their nest let them live it now....... Don't let her take anymore from you, financially or emotionally...... ((HUGS)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Don't think you're saving anyone by faking it through the holiday family gatherings. This happened to me a month after dday. My grown children and their spouses, one grandchild, OW (my sister-in-law)'s kids all came for a holiday and I decided to fake it through. OW/SIL did not come, but I wept at night every night while they were there and my husband held me ONLY so no one would hear. Beforehand many on LS had advised me to announce to them what had happened and gave all the reasons why. THEY WERE RIGHT. I waited to tell them for 3 months. It takes too big a toll on YOU to deal with it by yourself and pretend. And you are saving whom? Not your family. They'll be sad no matter when they find out. It's only for your wife and brother. Yes, it will create a pall on the gathering, but it will also be a groundswell of support for you and YOUR SON. Just think about it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 For you, I would recommend contacting as many of the adults as you can by email now. I'd follow up with phone calls to your parents and invite anyone else to call you. They do need to process the information and impact before any planned events. This way you can let them decide how to proceed. They can't tell you what to do about your marriage, but they deserve to know about this huge event that will affect so many lives beyond this one Christmas. I'm hoping your parents are like mine were - strong, wise, loving. If so, DON"T make decisions because of their age. Its their age will help you. Let them confer and plan the event. Gotta go. Luck - later Link to post Share on other sites
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