wife having affair with brother

[Poutrew]

You should fully expose these two POS individuals to the entire family. Who knows, once the truth is out there I wonder how many other wives will come forward and tell how the brother tried to park his mini-cooper in their garage for the night whilst they were preggars, but kept silent to preserve family harmony? The running joke amongst the men will be "I wonder if my wife had any action with this guy?" He seems to have no problem molesting every gopher hole in the lawn ... the others need to know they have a sexual sociopath in their midst.

 

 

The one thing you need to do, Double, is to make sure the holidays themselves don't become a trigger point for you. Too many good things happen during this time of year for those two skunks to ruin it for you or your kids... also, I seriously doubt either one will show their face at your family get together once the truth is out. Good luck.

[understand50]

Anyway guys, I am at a loss for what to do regarding family exposure. My wife and brother begged me not to say anything to anyone until at least Christmas is over, but I think that would be the best time to announce we are getting a divorce. What do you guys think?

 

DB.

 

Doublebetrayal,

 

I think you will find that this will come out by itself. You have too many people involved who could tell. Be prepared to address this before Christmas, no matter what you may agree to or want. Things will take on a life of their own, and move along whether you decide or not.

 

With this thought, I would let at least your parents know about the situation. I do not think you wife and Bother deserve any consideration, but your decision should be what is best for you and your kids.

 

 

Wish you luck and the best outcome to be had from all of this....

[Clay]

I am normally for the scorched earth policy but if you can get her to quickly sign off on the divorce giving you all that you want and need to move forward then I would do that. Using the exposure is as the tool as it really is. It can be played either way.

 

After the divorce is final I would then send everything and I mean everything out to everyone. I might even go so far as to pay for it to be printed in the paper.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

Just so you know your not alone. I kicked my xW out 5 days before Christmas when I caught her. It seems these people really don't care who they destroy just as long as they get what they want.

 

C

[aliveagain]

Infidelity isn't seasonal, how much do you want to bet they found a way to get together during the last 14 Christmas's even under the same roof as you, your children and your parents? Just check their old emails from the last 14 Christmas's. Doublebetrayal just this week you wrote that she was with him twice, isn't this the Christmas season, has it stopped her from sneaking over to his house? Whether you tell them before Christmas or after I guarantee you that no future Christmas will ever be the same for anyone in your family.

[hotgurl]

I think I would tell your parents before the party.

 

Then if you do want to go I would go with your kids and ask wife and brother not to attend.

 

Or just do your own thing with the kids.

[drifter777]

As regarding the exposure, you are getting a variety of ideas from members here. As you've demonstrated thus far, you are going to do whatever you think is best for you in your life. I commend you on this.

 

I would call my parents and tell them EVERYTHING! I would tell them that you have decided that you will not have any contact ever again with you former brother and your exWW. Your kids know and will make their own decisions as to how to handle all this. Tell them you want to make this easy for them so you will not be there for the big Christmas party so you'd like to plan an alternate get together with them the next day. Siblings & their families are welcome but your WW and your POS brother are not.

 

This lets your parents off the hook while allowing them to decide how they want to deal woth this. They could choose to ban those two assho|es from the main party - I would if in their place.

 

No matter how you handle Christmas, you must tell all of your family. You siblings could be very angry with you if you don't because they will have treated WW and POS normally and regret it. Better they know the whole picture and decide how they want to handle it.

 

Don't try to "save" Christmas or "protect them". You are dealing with adults who deserve to make their own judgments regarding this matter.

Edited December 11, 2015 by drifter777

[merrmeade]

There will be those who will try to talk to you about forgiveness. These are people who have no experience with betrayal and put the interests of the family above yours OR they are friends and supporters of your wife or brother. Or maybe they're just judgmental Christians who think they know what's best for everyone. Either way, they do you no good. It's too soon for that possibility, none of their business and toxic for you. It's toxic because it conveys a lack of understanding and support for what you're going through. You don't need that, and you don't need those people right now. It could be a cousin, it could be a sister, maybe even your parents. But the forgiveness talk you need to be prepared for and have a way to sweetly tell them thank you for your concern and end the discussion so they know unequivocally that's not a topic of conversation that's open to them.

 

The people you want around you you will know. They will express out range, compassion, and concern for you and your well being and that of your children. They will give good advice about things with the right priorities. Let them take care of "the family."

 

By the way, DB, I think you handled the confrontation and giving your son his time to express himself was perfect. You have good instincts.

[TaraMaiden2]

There will be those who will try to talk to you about forgiveness. These are people who have no experience with betrayal and put the interests of the family above yours OR they are friends and supporters of your wife or brother. Or maybe they're just judgmental Christians who think they know what's best for everyone.

You forget Buddhists, who advocate detachment from negative and destructive emotions.

These emotions, left unchecked, can eat away at a person and destroy the very essence of their goodness, Kindness and Compassion.

You don't have to like someone or agree with their lives, to show compassion and kindness.

But that takes work, cultivation and time.

And it's a choice.

It's best to try to forgive others. Not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness, but because YOU deserve peace....

 

Either way, they do you no good.

They do, but it's actually all about timing....

 

It's too soon for that possibility, none of their business and toxic for you.

I agree that it's far, far too soon to be thinking of it. The OP is rightly hurt, indignant, angry and extremely emotional, and understandably so, he has every right to go through this in his own way.... None of their business? Possibly, but they may mean well.

Toxic? No.

Not by any stretch of the imagination can forgiveness be toxic.

 

It's toxic because it conveys a lack of understanding and support for what you're going through.

I don't think that's a reason. I think it may be misguided, but 'toxic' is too strong a word.

Toxic would be him taking his wife back.

 

You don't need that, and you don't need those people right now. It could be a cousin, it could be a sister, maybe even your parents. But the forgiveness talk you need to be prepared for and have a way to sweetly tell them thank you for your concern and end the discussion so they know unequivocally that's not a topic of conversation that's open to them.

Only the OP can decide at precisely what point this discussion should occur.

For all you know, he may well be open to being forgiving, but the timing is his to determine.

 

The people you want around you you will know. They will express out range, compassion, and concern for you and your well being and that of your children. They will give good advice about things with the right priorities. Let them take care of "the family."

The evry people showing kindness and compassion may also advocate forgiveness. What then, eh?

 

By the way, DB, I think you handled the confrontation and giving your son his time to express himself was perfect. You have good instincts.

Indeed. I think he is a good person.I believe a degree of forgiveness will be possible, in time, but the when and how, will be his choice.

[Marc878]

Forgiveness is one thing forgetting is another.

 

The bad thing is this went on for 14 years. I'm sure once it's out OP will find out more knew or suspected but never told. This will be another form of betrayal/hurt that won't ever go away either.

 

That's a big chunk of life to have lived with lies and deceit. Ugh, just ugh!!!!!

 

Plus who's the real father of the other children? May not matter now but it'll be the elephant in the room.

 

This just really sucks.

 

Sorry for you and your family.

[road]

I think you should go ahead and inform your parents and siblings before the Christmas get together (now) so that they'll have time to equilibrate and be there to support you... as opposed to giving them shocking news at Christmas and having it dominate the festivities. It won't be a secret for long anyway, and it will be a lot better to just be open about it than to tell some and try to shield others. Let your siblings inform their kids. The worst possible scenario would be for word to be spreading as everyone arrives, and that's exactly what will happen if you don't get it out ahead of time.

 

You need the support of your family, so in one sense it's not such a bad thing that the timing is what it is. Of course your wife and brother would like to convince you to rug-sweep it until after the holidays. They's like to be able to show up and be all smiles and sociable while you sit in a corner dealing with the devastation alone. Don't allow that. You don't owe them cooperation with their desire to minimize or escape the natural consequences––let the chips fall where they may.

 

I am sorry for the pain and humiliation you're going through. I am glad you'll have lots of loyal loved ones around you during the holidays. You seem to be dealing with it pretty well based on what you've posted, and I hope you continue to do this well. All my best to you DB.

 

 

 

Great post. Though great advice does not hold much value when it is not heeded.

[merrmeade]

You forget Buddhists, who advocate detachment from negative and destructive emotions.

These emotions, left unchecked, can eat away at a person and destroy the very essence of their goodness, Kindness and Compassion.

You don't have to like someone or agree with their lives, to show compassion and kindness.

But that takes work, cultivation and time.

And it's a choice.

It's best to try to forgive others. Not necessarily because they deserve forgiveness, but because YOU deserve peace....

 

They do, but it's actually all about timing....

 

I agree that it's far, far too soon to be thinking of it. The OP is rightly hurt, indignant, angry and extremely emotional, and understandably so, he has every right to go through this in his own way.... None of their business? Possibly, but they may mean well.

Toxic? No.

Not by any stretch of the imagination can forgiveness be toxic.

 

I don't think that's a reason. I think it may be misguided, but 'toxic' is too strong a word.

Toxic would be him taking his wife back.

 

Only the OP can decide at precisely what point this discussion should occur.

For all you know, he may well be open to being forgiving, but the timing is his to determine.

 

The evry people showing kindness and compassion may also advocate forgiveness. What then, eh?

 

Indeed. I think he is a good person.I believe a degree of forgiveness will be possible, in time, but the when and how, will be his choice.

My post was not about forgiveness per se. He will need to deal with that down the road for his own sake and freedom. It's toxic to be around people wanting to tell you what to do at a time like this. And for someone ELSE to talk to you about forgiving your wife and brother who've betrayed you in this heinous way feels like that person is not empathic and doesn't get what you're feeling. You feel isolated when you need understanding. This was my experience with a cousin. It was toxic.

 

I repeat: It has nothing to do with the value of forgiveness or religion. I am neither Christian nor Buddhist, Jewish nor atheist, but I am a spiritual seeker. I don't need help understanding the difference.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with both Tara and Merrmeade...

 

DB will and should make his own way to recovery....whether or not that includes extended anger or quick forgiveness it is his path that he must determine which is best for not just himself but also his or what is left of his family. There is no telling how all the chips will fall regarding the STBXW and Scumbag Brother.....as it relates to the other siblings and parents. Many times the parents will side with the SB as subconsciously they know he is totally dependent upon their mercy whether or not it is deserved. They may likely view SB as the lesser and needing their support, as perverted as that is.

 

My point however is that recovery includes forgiveness in a sense that it relieves DB from the anchor of hate and anger to allow him to be the positive person to those who still need, love and value him in their lives, i.e. his kids, siblings who decide to side with him in this awful mess. Hatred and anger will destroy ones soul. I, however maintain that there are always consequences to ones actions, and the STBXW is not by any means an exception to this, nor is the SB. There should be a special place of punishment for the both of them as they not only betrayed DB but also the children and the rest of the family as this unit will never be the same.

 

Just my two cents.

[Try]

Anyway guys, I am at a loss for what to do regarding family exposure. My wife and brother begged me not to say anything to anyone until at least Christmas is over, but I think that would be the best time to announce we are getting a divorce. What do you guys think?

I think that you tell your parents and other family members today. Send an email to each of them telling them briefly of the affair and stating that you will be getting a divorce. After sending the email call each of them. Waiting to "announce" at Christmas is asking for too much drama and will require you son to remain silent for too long. You and your son each need the support of family and friends now. Besides, time lets your cheating wife and your cheating brother prepare, and gives them the option to tell others behind your back with a spin that makes you look like an abusive spouse (this is what cheaters do).

[Buckeye2]

I would not have recommended confronting both your wife and brother at the same time, especially with your son. However, it seemed to turn out very well. I think your son being there allowed him to totally recover from being told to keep quiet. You two were in it together from the start to the finish.

 

At this point I would not ask him to keep quiet once again. I would expose before Christmas. Are they aware that you can look at their “secret” email account?

[turnera]

I would call up both sets of parents now and tell them what's going on, and then let your parents decide what to do about the Christmas event. I assume it's at their house?

[Buckeye2]

There are a lot of us!!! as you can imagine, 16 kids plus their spouses and inlaws, God knows how many grandkids, and a handful of great grandkids all at the same venue, our Christmas's are always the best... but sadly not this year!!!

 

It makes me really sad, because that was my absolute favourite time of the year. We all get on fine and love having a laugh between us, the kids love spending time with each other etc. even writing it hurts that it won't be the same anymore.

 

Do NOT make your son sit through all that pretending that everything is fine. Expose now.

[No Limit]

Expose right away, the fairytale is over and this is the real deal. There is no reason to uphold the facade for their sake. Shouldn't be hard for her - at least she stays in the family, so she should accommodate splendidly in no time.

[doublebetrayal]

I just sent the email to everyone!

 

Email:

 

Dear Family,

 

*Brother* and *wife*chave been having a long term affair. I recently discovered this 10+ year affair and things at home have gone sour to say the least. Wife and I are getting divorced, no doubt about it. I apologize to everyone for being the messenger of bad news during this festive period, but this is the reality now. I have spoken to brother and wife, told them that I want nothing to do with either of them anymore, which hurts more than words can describe. I would never have expected this from my own flesh and blood, let alone my wife too, but I guess it is what it is. I don't know how to cope with all this, or how to handle the situation in the best way possible. I hope this years Christmas get together will not be ruined by this discovery of their affair. I am still looking forward to it and can't wait to see you all.

 

Much love,

DB.

 

 

 

and to answer a question, I had my business established before we met, and everything was purchased (house, cars etc.) by me before we were married. I was very careful in protecting myself and my assets, no prenup required that way.

[AT15]

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I am incredibly sorry. I hope you take it easy for a year or so. This is life altering. I pray for your peace of mind and peace in your heart.

[road]

I just sent the email to everyone!

 

Email:

 

Dear Family,

 

*Brother* and *wife*chave been having a long term affair. I recently discovered this 10+ year affair and things at home have gone sour to say the least. Wife and I are getting divorced, no doubt about it. I apologize to everyone for being the messenger of bad news during this festive period, but this is the reality now. I have spoken to brother and wife, told them that I want nothing to do with either of them anymore, which hurts more than words can describe. I would never have expected this from my own flesh and blood, let alone my wife too, but I guess it is what it is. I don't know how to cope with all this, or how to handle the situation in the best way possible. I hope this years Christmas get together will not be ruined by this discovery of their affair. I am still looking forward to it and can't wait to see you all.

 

Much love,

DB.

 

 

 

and to answer a question, I had my business established before we met, and everything was purchased (house, cars etc.) by me before we were married. I was very careful in protecting myself and my assets, no prenup required that way.

 

By 8 PM you, WW, and OM, should be getting lots of calls, texts, emails. When they contact you tell them your need for 100% NC with WW and OM.

[TaraMaiden2]

Broadcasting it to the entire family was a bad idea.

You really should have been a bit more restrained and dignified. Doing it this way is going to cause some consternation among your relatives. be prepared for people taking sides, no matter what the circumstances.

It would have been far more appropriate to have done as suggested....

[OldRover]

Broadcasting it to the entire family was a bad idea.

You really should have been a bit more restrained and dignified. Doing it this way is going to cause some consternation among your relatives. be prepared for people taking sides, no matter what the circumstances.

It would have been far more appropriate to have done as suggested....

 

Tara,

 

That was not a bad way to get the message out, which was imperative. Perhaps he could have called a few of the closer relatives personally... however, everyone should know. And I'll bet there will be virtually no one that supports the wife and brother.... how could they?

[TaraMaiden2]

Tara,

 

That was not a bad way to get the message out, which was imperative. Perhaps he could have called a few of the closer relatives personally... however, everyone should know. And I'll bet there will be virtually no one that supports the wife and brother.... how could they?

 

I think a general broadcast all at once invites problematic situations.

 

Just wait and watch.

Some of the female family members are going to wonder what exactly her motivation was. I mean, he must have done SOMETHING wrong.... surely....

This has the potential of being divisive, particularly at this time of year.

 

Large families take sides. It's perfectly natural and understandable, because with so many people, it's impossible that they'll all have the same opinion.

 

My mother had just 7 siblings, but what with spouses and children, I can tell you now, it has never been smooth, plain sailing.

[troubadour]

Broadcasting it to the entire family was a bad idea.

You really should have been a bit more restrained and dignified. Doing it this way is going to cause some consternation among your relatives. be prepared for people taking sides, no matter what the circumstances.

It would have been far more appropriate to have done as suggested....

 

 

Nonsense. This kind of situations create a great amount of consternation among family members regardles of how they are handled. Is is virtually unavoidable considering that his own brother has been ****ing his wife for over a decade. And the very last thing the OP needs to worry about is being appropriate.

[kgcolonel]

No offense here but I personally think that DB has more than enough to worry about at this stage than to group email or not and this way he does not have to repeat a very painful experience and likely answer many questions that he likely does not have the answers to over and over via individual messages or phone calls.

 

This was much easier on him and at this point he needs to be in Protection mode for himself. Let them pick sides if they are that dense so be it.