wife having affair with brother

[salparadise]

He got it out there, and did so in time to let them integrate the news before their visits. Yea, personal phone calls might have been more tactful and desirable to the siblings, but that would've probably taken days of having the same conversation over and over and over again. So given the circumstances I'd give him an attaboy for getting it done and making it real.

 

I can't imagine who would be siding with his lying, cheating wife and brother on this. I can't imagine how you (Tara) would presume this to be the case. You think the women are going to side with her just because she's female? I don't think so.

 

Of course they'll know it's out and my guess is they will not show their faces at the Christmas gathering... or maybe ever.

[Marc878]

Reasonable exposure. As good as he could put it.

 

As for consequences. What's going to happen now will anyway no matter what.

[whichwayisup]

Didn't matter if you sent his email out today, next week or next month, people are going to react how they will. Some will choose sides, some will distance themselves and some will sit, watch and have popcorn loving the fallout and be gossipers.

 

Just know WHO you can trust and confide in.

 

Yes it sucks, the timing of it all but they were the ones having the A for 10 years. You aren't the bad guy here at all so don't let anybody on here or in your offline life make you feel like you are.

[kgcolonel]

Attendance at the Christmas gathering will be very telling. Hopefully the POS brother and WW will simply stay away.

[CantCook]

DB - I'm so sorry for your trouble.

 

I want to wish you strength and courage as you deal with this mess in the days ahead.

 

Confronting your wife and brother, and, sending out the email to your family pretty quickly after your discovery took guts, good for you. From what you've written, it appears you made a good decision to have your son present during the confrontation, you stopped him confronting on d-day (everybody I think understands why you stopped him that day), giving him his chance later was wise I think.

 

A couple of thoughts. You wrote you own a business. You've got a lot on your plate right now, you might want to mention to your business partners or to 1 or 2 senior staff what you're going through. Perhaps they could carry your weight at work for a while. This could well be the most stressful thing you ever face in your lifetime.

 

Wow you have a big family! Buying x-mas presents would be insane! You and your son caught your wife and brother holding hands and necking in a mall ... I just wonder with so many people in your extended family if any of them knew about it, witnessed them acting like teenagers in a public place or at one of your family get togethers. A 14 year affair is a long time to keep that secret from a family of your size that you have written is a close family. And if you find out some of them did know, what do want to do about it? Some of who knew what will likely come out in their emails to you or at your big family x-mas BBQ.

 

Good for you for deciding to attend the x-mas BBQ. Shine a bright light on this affair, and let your wife and brother scurry away into the dark corners.

 

Keep strong.

Edited December 12, 2015 by CantCook

[merrmeade]

A couple of thoughts. You wrote you own a business. You've got a lot on your plate right now, you might want to mention to your business partners or to 1 or 2 senior staff what you're going through. Perhaps they could carry your weight at work for a while. This could well be the most stressful thing you ever face in your lifetime.

This sounds like an excellent idea. Maybe just take a day to get key projects or departments organized.

[merrmeade]

*Brother* and *wife*chave been having a long term affair. I recently discovered this 10+ year affair and things at home have gone sour to say the least. Wife and I are getting divorced, no doubt about it. I apologize to everyone for being the messenger of bad news during this festive period, but this is the reality now. I have spoken to brother and wife, told them that I want nothing to do with either of them anymore, which hurts more than words can describe. I would never have expected this from my own flesh and blood, let alone my wife too, but I guess it is what it is. I don't know how to cope with all this, or how to handle the situation in the best way possible. I hope this years Christmas get together will not be ruined by this discovery of their affair. I am still looking forward to it and can't wait to see you all.

There are so many things coming up. Ironically, the divorce itself may be the easiest part.

 

My hope is that the Christmas get-together and family's response to your email are non-issues, but I don't think it's a good idea to just assume either. You might want to think about what you'd like to happen and ask for help.

 

First: I hope one of your family members has stepped up to the plate and offered support and a shoulder to cry on. You could also be sure this person has the story straight and will be able to correct any misstatements that happen or false rumors. Maybe even refer people to him/her if you just don't feel like answering questions.

 

Second: I did not like the ending of your email. It was apologetic and regretful in a way that you do not need to own. You owe no one any apologies.

 

The fact is that the get-together simply cannot be the same, but that's not your fault). The future has already been changed; that also is not your fault.

 

I know you're trying to say you don't want your problems to ruin everybody else's happiness, but you aren't responsible for how they react. You can't buy more problems on their account because you didn't ruin anything. Perhaps that's your goal in calling yourself the "messenger." You could hope for quality time with each of them or express gratitude for them as your family, but you don't need to feel bad or responsible because you've exposed. Maybe you're also trying to say you don't want them to avoid you, but I also believe you should be true to what you feel. You can't address what they feel. You don't have to put up a brave front or cover up.

 

Third: Now that the truth is exposed, maybe you can think how you want to deal with the next stage. They might want to find out more or talk to you. Are you okay with that? Also, how do you envision your presence at the Christmas get-together? Can you talk to your parents or strategize with someone you really trust who you're sure has your back? Are you just hoping everything goes as usual and you can have some uncomplicated fun?

 

Can you anticipate what will they want to know and whom each may call to find out? I'm sure they will want more information. The email recipients most likely will call either you or someone else to find more out about what's going on more information. Is there a family member you could refer them to so you don't have to do it and so false gossip doesn't get started?

 

I was even thinking you could talk to this person, then send out a follow-up email something like this:

 

I realize my last email was a bombshell for everyone. I am reeling myself from all the information. I wanted to assure all that the children and I are doing well. If you would like to talk further, feel free to call.

 

Or something else that puts them at ease…

[ladydesigner]

(((doublebetrayal))) I'm just so sorry you are dealing with this during the holidays. Hope you have support coming your way from friends and family!

[OldRover]

Just a note:

 

You CAN control how others feel. It's done by telling the truth, (or lies, if that's your thing). And one's feelings can be affected by the way they are treated and the feedback they get from others.

 

Feelings DO change.

 

There's probably a thought for DB to talk to the most important people in his family in person. He deserves (and needs) family support, and he should get it.

[aliveagain]

Your soon to be ex wife will soon come to the reality of her situation. She traded a diamond for a turd. She will soon realize that she is now an outcast in the family and stuck with a guy that has 4 ex wives. Your children know the truth and will hate him for breaking up their family. He's 8 years older then you and cheated on all his wives. Sounds like a match made in heaven, soul mates. Expect her to get nastier because as fun as your brother is in bed she probably never planned on leaving you for the family looser. Her shame level must be off the charts, there is no easy way for her to recover from this. Lean on your family for support, listen to your lawyer.

[kgcolonel]

Your soon to be ex wife will soon come to the reality of her situation. She traded a diamond for a turd. She will soon realize that she is now an outcast in the family and stuck with a guy that has 4 ex wives. Your children know the truth and will hate him for breaking up their family. He's 8 years older then you and cheated on all his wives. Sounds like a match made in heaven, soul mates. Expect her to get nastier because as fun as your brother is in bed she probably never planned on leaving you for the family looser. Her shame level must be off the charts, there is no easy way for her to recover from this. Lean on your family for support, listen to your lawyer.

 

I can't agree more. There will likely be some interesting and some very challenging moments. My hope for you is that your family will have your back and see the two (POS Brother and STBXW) for what they are, backstabbing lying, self serving POS' individuals.

 

Protect yourself and make your own decisions regardless of what you may be pressured into doing for the sake of "this or that".

 

Stay strong and know, you have done nothing wrong except being in the right place at the right time.

[Marc878]

Plan B has gone now your stbxw is in the reality of plan A.

 

The excitement will wear off quickly. Plus the truth coming out all at once will be painfull for all.

 

Be prepared as she will probably dig in and fight for the comfortable life of plan B, you.

 

You'll be promised the moon even though she betrayed you for 14 years.

 

The question is could you ever have this for the rest of your life?

 

If not better pe prepared to turn to stone as far as she's concerned and move on to another life of your choosing.

 

There are better out there.

 

Nice job on ho you handled this btw. Most would have waffled, taken awhile to figure it out. You will move on quicker this way.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Marc878

[doublebetrayal]

Well things have gotten really intense since I published the news to my family. I did tell my parents face to face about it all, just as I sent that email I went downstairs to break the news to them. They were completely shocked and really dissappointed in my brother and wife. My mother even cried because she thought she had raised all of us to be decent people, dad and I comforted her that it wasn't her fault. All my siblings were not happy with my brother and wife, plus it turns out he had made a few passes at one of my other brothers wife. She didn't want to ruin her husbands relationship with his brother and kept quiet about it, but since my exposure, it gave her the chance to tell her husband... lets just say he was pissed, he went over to scumbags house and gave him a couple of punches, luckily wife and her parents were there to stop him from hurting him any further.

 

They have all expressed their wish for scumbag bro and stbxw to not attend our Xmas function this year. So it seems they have been ostracised by the family. Stbxw's parents were really ashamed and expressed their deepest apologies on behalf of their daughter. I told them it's not their fault and that they would always remain in my heart they are welcome anytime to my home, I love them. Even her siblings were also sorry, but apparently one of them knew about it guess I won't be having anything to do with her.

 

My parents advised them both to take a time out from everyone and everything for at least a couple of weeks to let the everyone enjoy the festive season without any drama. They were reluctant to that idea apparently but it seems they accepted in the end.

 

So now as it stands:

- everyone is heart warmingly supportive of me

- the xmas function is going ahead

- WW and scumbag bro are leaving for Vanuatu in a few days coming back after new year, arrangements with family members have been made to help each other out with the kids while they are both gone.

- I will worry about divorce after new year, for now I just want to spend time with my family

 

I'm surprisingly happy despite everything i've been through. My house is already jam packed with my kids cousins and some of my siblings plus their spouses. We are all having a good time and although I have my moments, I am thankful that DDAY happened around this time of the year. Weather is good, kids are happy to spend time together running a muck lol ans us adults are always having a laugh, glad that hasn't changed.

 

Is it weird I feel sorry for WW and my scumbag brother? I don't know why I feel sorry for them tbh.. I hope they can sort themselves out in Vanuatu and deal woth their demons by themselves. Overall, I think things are going to be ok.

 

As for my kids... oldest son still wants nothing to do with his mother but the younger ones are sad that their mum will not be around for xmas although they understand what she did, i'm glad they still love her anyway, because I wouldn't want them to live life hating their mother. Sorry for the long post, I hope it's some good news, I appreciate your sympathy. Thank you LS!

[Marc878]

Looks like it worked out as well as could be expected. You handled this better than most would have. The truth is best. It has a way of fixing things.

 

Be carefull. I suspect after the shock wears off rage and anger will set in. This is a long and horrible betrayal and I suspect nothing will cure this for you.

 

She's not worth your time and effort to worry over. I would spend my time planning out what I wanted for the rest of my life without her. There are much better out there as you'll soon find out. But you do need to take s year or so to figure this out.

 

Sorry you are here and I wish the best for you and your family.

 

Good luck

[road]

Well things have gotten really intense since I published the news to my family. I did tell my parents face to face about it all, just as I sent that email I went downstairs to break the news to them. They were completely shocked and really dissappointed in my brother and wife. My mother even cried because she thought she had raised all of us to be decent people, dad and I comforted her that it wasn't her fault. All my siblings were not happy with my brother and wife, plus it turns out he had made a few passes at one of my other brothers wife. She didn't want to ruin her husbands relationship with his brother and kept quiet about it, but since my exposure, it gave her the chance to tell her husband... lets just say he was pissed, he went over to scumbags house and gave him a couple of punches, luckily wife and her parents were there to stop him from hurting him any further.

 

They have all expressed their wish for scumbag bro and stbxw to not attend our Xmas function this year. So it seems they have been ostracised by the family. Stbxw's parents were really ashamed and expressed their deepest apologies on behalf of their daughter. I told them it's not their fault and that they would always remain in my heart they are welcome anytime to my home, I love them. Even her siblings were also sorry, but apparently one of them knew about it guess I won't be having anything to do with her.

 

My parents advised them both to take a time out from everyone and everything for at least a couple of weeks to let the everyone enjoy the festive season without any drama. They were reluctant to that idea apparently but it seems they accepted in the end.

 

So now as it stands:

- everyone is heart warmingly supportive of me

- the xmas function is going ahead

- WW and scumbag bro are leaving for Vanuatu in a few days coming back after new year, arrangements with family members have been made to help each other out with the kids while they are both gone.

- I will worry about divorce after new year, for now I just want to spend time with my family

 

I'm surprisingly happy despite everything i've been through. My house is already jam packed with my kids cousins and some of my siblings plus their spouses. We are all having a good time and although I have my moments, I am thankful that DDAY happened around this time of the year. Weather is good, kids are happy to spend time together running a muck lol ans us adults are always having a laugh, glad that hasn't changed.

 

Is it weird I feel sorry for WW and my scumbag brother? I don't know why I feel sorry for them tbh.. I hope they can sort themselves out in Vanuatu and deal woth their demons by themselves. Overall, I think things are going to be ok.

 

As for my kids... oldest son still wants nothing to do with his mother but the younger ones are sad that their mum will not be around for xmas although they understand what she did, i'm glad they still love her anyway, because I wouldn't want them to live life hating their mother. Sorry for the long post, I hope it's some good news, I appreciate your sympathy. Thank you LS!

 

 

 

See how exposure turned out to uncover more truth? You got to feel good about that. The family is now protected from further damage from the OM.

[merrmeade]

I'm really, really happy your family is there for you at this time. It's exactly what should happen. I've triggered like crazy with your story but also in remembering the huge relief I felt when I finally told my brother, the last of my FOA. Huge but not as good as finding out sooner would have been. You have time and will find a good woman at some point.

[afoolto no end]

good for you, the truth is the only good in all of this, so many lies for so many years.........never again......only truth ......

you have taken the higher road here and your family will respect you for your strength in handling this the right way with the truth, they will respect you for being a good father........keeping your children's interest at heart first and foremost.........

It is very natural to feel sorry for others who have destroyed their own lives. But there is nothing you can do now or could do before, these are their decisions and they need to figure out the consequences they are going to have to live with.....life is no longer or ever going to be good for either one of them.....

As far as the kids, give them the facts, answer all questions honestly and let them process and decide on their own how they handle things from now. Make sure they know they can come to you with any of their feelings and you together can work through them.....

Don't let any more lies hurt them..

I would let the lawyers handle everything from here.

For now just breathe, just decompress and try to find joy in family......Start focusing on you and your new normal........

Your wife and brother are in their own hell right now and there is no way out.......

((hugs))

[OldRover]

Wow DB,

 

You really handled this well and should be an inspiration for others in similar situations. Your tactful planning, exposure and the way you handled family was excellent.

 

Hope you and your family have a great holiday, you'll need that, and the support of your family (which you have) to get through this.

 

Hope the best for you going into the new year, and keep posting here. There are a lot of good folks here that can offer you support getting through this, and there will be challenges.

 

The kids will probably be the biggest concern, as they are impressionable, and minimizing damage will take an effort.

[aliveagain]

Well let's hope for your STBXW's sake that when your other brother went over to scumbags house he didn't put the boots to his dangly parts, wouldn't want to see your wife's holiday ruined because his penis was too black and blue to perform. I am sure they will have all kinds of time to think about how sh*tty their lives have gotten and how she's going to be able to look her kids in the eyes again. I'm sure being wife number 5 will be special for her. What a bunch of losers, you deserve so much better.

 

Well now I know why you post at 4:30 am, I've always wanted to visit Australia. Stay strong, you handled everything well, you kept the respect of your children and family. Pack up her stuff while they are gone and have other family dump it at scumbags house.

[OldRover]

Well let's hope for your STBXW's sake that when your other brother went over to scumbags house he didn't put the boots to his dangly parts, wouldn't want to see your wife's holiday ruined because his penis was too black and blue to perform. I am sure they will have all kinds of time to think about how sh*tty their lives have gotten and how she's going to be able to look her kids in the eyes again. I'm sure being wife number 5 will be special for her. What a bunch of losers, you deserve so much better.

 

Well now I know why you post at 4:30 am, I've always wanted to visit Australia. Stay strong, you handled everything well, you kept the respect of your children and family. Pack up her stuff while they are gone and have other family dump it at scumbags house.

 

That's really a good idea. There's no point in spending any more time with her than is absolutely necessary.

[stillafool]

Your wife is as big a scumbag as your brother. So she is more than your STBXW at this point. Afterall she is the one who took vows with you. You notice even though your other brothers wife was hit on by your scumbag brother she wasn't slutty like your scumbag wife and fell into bed with him. And, no your bother isn't a bigger scumbag than your scumbag wife in this as they both share equally in the demise of your marriage.

[salparadise]

They have all expressed their wish for scumbag bro and stbxw to not attend our Xmas function this year. So it seems they have been ostracised by the family.

 

My parents advised them both to take a time out from everyone and everything for at least a couple of weeks to let the everyone enjoy the festive season without any drama. They were reluctant to that idea apparently but it seems they accepted in the end.

 

Reluctant? What did they expect- everyone sitting around laughing and socializing with them as if nothing had changed... and for you to stay away to avoid having to look at them playing kissy face? Hopefully they will continue to be ostracized for the foreseeable future so you can enjoy the support of your family.

 

I'm surprisingly happy despite everything i've been through. My house is already jam packed with my kids cousins and some of my siblings plus their spouses. We are all having a good time and although I have my moments...

 

It's good that you have the family all around you now, but brace yourself- this is going to take some time to process and you'll certainly have some ups and downs in the process. Talking it out helps, so talk with the ones who offer, and then be prepared for the solitude when they've all gone back home.

 

Sounds like you're doing ok. Wishing you all the best, or as good as it can be under the circumstances.

[CantCook]

- WW and scumbag bro are leaving for Vanuatu in a few days coming back after new year, arrangements with family members have been made to help each other out with the kids while they are both gone.

 

So after being outed in their disgusting affair, your brother and your wife have run off on vacation together? They're proclaiming to your family "we're a couple".

 

The brass balls on those two, wow.

 

-----

 

I mentioned your story to my wife, and that other posters had asked about paternity. My wife's reaction "DB can't ever let his kids find out their awful uncle is their father, he should protect them from that".

 

Me on the other hand (more selfishly) I think I would need to know how deep my wife's betrayal went, I'd need to know the paternity.

 

Tough call, so sorry DB.

[Cephalopod]

The

So after being outed in their disgusting affair, your brother and your wife have run off on vacation together? They're proclaiming to your family "we're a couple".

 

The brass balls on those two, wow?

 

My thoughts exactly. The fact that they hooked up immediately proves that they had probably been planning to leave their respective spouses for some time but could never figure out the right way or right time to do so. Now that the cat is out of the bag, it is probably a huge relief. They can now run off and do what they have been wanting to do for a decade.

 

What I do not understand is why her parents are putting those two scumbags up at their house. You would think they would want no part of the OM.

[sidney2718]

Don't be a bit surprised when your wife comes back from her "vacation" and tells you that it is all off and that she wants only you. She'll cry and beg and throw herself on your mercy.

 

Given the OM's track record with wives she won't want to be stuck with him and him alone. He was fine as long as she had someone stable and huggable to go home to. If she's wanted to marry him she's had plenty of opportunity to divorce you and do so in the past.