wife having affair with brother

[Try]

My parents advised them both to take a time out from everyone and everything for at least a couple of weeks to let the everyone enjoy the festive season without any drama. They were reluctant to that idea apparently but it seems they accepted in the end.

 

So now as it stands:

- everyone is heart warmingly supportive of me

- the xmas function is going ahead

- WW and scumbag bro are leaving for Vanuatu in a few days coming back after new year, arrangements with family members have been made to help each other out with the kids while they are both gone.

- I will worry about divorce after new year, for now I just want to spend time with my family

So right after your "parents advised them both to take a time out from everyone and everything for at least a couple of weeks", WW and scumbag agree and schedule to leave "for Vanuatu in a few days coming back after new year"? Just days after confrontation and exposure they are scheduling a romantic vacation together at a tropical resort like it is no big deal? The implications of her doing this are enormous.

[doublebetrayal]

Sorry for my absence, I think I did mention I would not update until after the new year. Well I hope everyone has had a fantastic Christmas and start to the new year! I certainly could have had a better time, for obvious reasons, but still could have been a lot worse all things considered. I have my family to thank for being my strength, I know for a fact I would not have been able to cope without their love and support through this difficult time.

 

As some of you have mentioned, yes I have not been entirely forthcoming about everything that's been going on out of fear of posting irrelevant things. I am not the best at this, so if I miss out any important details that will help you to help me, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

WW and OM have returned from Vanuatu. Throughout their trip, WW kept calling and using the kids as an excuse to speak with me. She claims that she loves me and if i'm willing to give her another chance she would come back to me within a heartbeat. Judging by the way they are still "together", I don't think OM knows about this. She is cheating on him with me? She is a special kind of something I tell you.

 

My oldest now seems like he is indifferent torwards his mother, which I don't wish upon her. She did nothing wrong by her children, well at least not as much as she did by me. Anyway, I have not began proceeding with the D yet... it is so difficult and final, maybe part of me still loves the woman I thought I married.

 

As for how I feel? I feel like absolute $hit, no, $hit would be nice actually... how do I stop feeling like this??

 

DB

Edited January 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

As for how I feel? I feel like absolute $hit, no, $hit would be nice actually... how do I stop feeling like this??

 

1. divorce

2. therapy

3. time

4. acceptance of what is

5. new love when you're ready

 

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be. Try to remain optimistic that life holds good things for you in the future, and keep taking steps on the path to recovery. Eventually you will want to learn to forgive- for your sake. Suffering is part of life; nobody gets a pass. Acceptance is a process and a choice. Don't allow this (them) to define you.

[CarrieT]

Salparadise said it in a nut-shell. Time *will* heal all wounds and this is all very fresh by you.

 

Also, she did do wrong by her children and your eldest sees this. She not only disrespected you, but the entire concept of family by ruining her marriage - and your nuclear family - by having an affair with his uncle.

 

Please consider the fact that your children will probably need therapy as well for their concepts of how to have a healthy relationship have now been skewed.

 

Wishing you well....

[PathToExile]

1. divorce

2. therapy

3. time

4. acceptance of what is

5. new love when you're ready

 

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be. Try to remain optimistic that life holds good things for you in the future, and keep taking steps on the path to recovery. Eventually you will want to learn to forgive- for your sake. Suffering is part of life; nobody gets a pass. Acceptance is a process and a choice. Don't allow this (them) to define you.

 

I like the order of events that this member listed. After a recent breakup, I can say from my experience that attempting to get back with her after being so betrayed will most likely leave you in heartache for the rest of your life with her. I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder and would feel the need to monitor her whole life and whereabouts. It would simply drive me insane.

 

I tried the whole reconciliation, and going to couples therapy... only to get the blame of cheating placed on both myself and her. I was also told that her change in behaviour will take time... implying there would be more 'mistakes' in the future, and if I really loved her, I'd help her through it. To be honest, I'm not a cuck, and have way more self respect than what the EX and therapist thought I had. If you give her another chance, then you'll be a doormat for future affairs. I know the thought of you ending it now hurts, but you'll feel much better in the longterm. I still get flares of hurt knowing the positives I had with my EX, and the betrayal I felt after multiple occurrences (it's been 3 months). It tears you apart, but you have to remember that it's only temporary. In the event of these thoughts, I just imagine the pain I'd feel if I had continued with her, knowing she could and would do it again if forwarded the opportunity.

 

Just take a deep breathe, pump out your chest, and end what you thought you had. Go to a therapist if you feel the need to, otherwise, talk to close friends or family. You'll repeat the same thoughts and feelings to them, you'll flip-flop as to how you feel, just let them know you need their support for your decision. Time will heal, use this time to eat proper and get into physical fitness or a relaxing hobby. After these steps, you'll learn to accept that she is what she is, and it has nothing to do with what you are. You'll feel a lot better, and will more than likely be ready to start dating again if you wish.

 

As for your brother, you can ditch that title. You're merely related by blood, otherwise he's just another person. A real brother would have told you that she was being flirty with him, and would have worked with you to expose her, thus setting up a divorce.

 

Chin up and soldier on. You're a great person who deserves more from life.

[Buckeye2]

WW and OM have returned from Vanuatu. Throughout their trip, WW kept calling and using the kids as an excuse to speak with me. She claims that she loves me and if i'm willing to give her another chance she would come back to me within a heartbeat. Judging by the way they are still "together", I don't think OM knows about this. She is cheating on him with me? She is a special kind of something I tell you.

 

My oldest now seems like he is indifferent torwards his mother, which I don't wish upon her.

 

Your wife has had two husbands for years and just went on a vacation to Vanuatu with one of them. Why would it be that big of a deal which husband she wound up with? The major thing you have over your brother is that you are the major injured party. You’re in the unique position to forgive her.

 

 

If you forgive her how can anyone else not? She can tell your kids: “Your dad forgave me, why can’t you." You’re like a special priest that can give her absolution. That’s why she wants you over him.

 

 

If she can’t have you then she wants your brother. They have years of history plus he can’t judge her because he’s just as guilty as she is. They make a good pair.

 

 

She wants to keep him as an option. That’s why she’s cheating on him and not out in the open with you. Like a monkey swinging through the trees will not let go of one branch until it grabs another, you wife doesn’t want to let go of your brother until she has you.

Edited January 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

She's quite the piece of work trying to reconcile with you by phone while she's on vacation with your brother. I wonder how quickly she had another romp with him after that conversation. Are you done dealing with this nonsense yet?

 

When do you start feeling better? When you start building your next life. Detach, divorce, get a space that's your own, and take actions towards a new life. It starts whenever you do. You have the opportunity to start fresh and go whatever direction you want. I enjoyed getting a new place, new furniture, new bachelor bad. Comically, I really enjoyed just buying whatever the eff I wanted at the grocery store. No haggling. No negotiating. If I wanted nachos and cheese dip, by gawd, I just bought it. Lol.

 

Take care of yourself and your kids. And extricate that cancer. Start looking forward. It's easier to do when you take your eyes off the rearview mirror. The only thing stopping you is you. Embrace it and enjoy it.

[kgcolonel]

Buckeye, great post and perspective here.

 

Additionally, she absolutely did cheat on the kids....she chose to satisfy her sexual desires despite blowing up the kid's world. Their world is destroyed as far as an intact home / family is concerned. There will be no more mom, dad and kids dinners, holidays vacations, weekends or outings. She chose to please her Pu__y instead of her obligations to her family. Please understand this and quickly seek therapy for the kids...the sooner the better.

 

Forgiving her, benefits you in that it will allow you to release the hate and resentment to move on. This absolutely does not mean to bring her back to you or into the house....only to release you from the weight of the anger. Now may not be the right time but there will come a time that you're ready to move forward and it will be the lack of forgiving that will prevent this.

 

I can't imagine what if anything your POS Brother has to say to you or anyone else in the family. He must be very proud of himself (sarcastically, if not obviously).

 

My heart seriously goes out to you.

[road]

Time to get paternity tests done.

 

 

Also use the WW I want to come back to get more of the truth from her.

[TX-SC]

I can't tell you what to do in this situation. I myself am vindictive when wronged, so it may not be in your best interest to follow my advice here. I personally would start the divorce proceeding immediately. I would cut the wife and brother out of my life completely. I would tell my parents and relatives that they have a choice. At any future family event or holiday, I can be there, or my ex-brother and his partner can be there. But never me and my brother at the same time. If they ever trick me in that regard I will cut them from my life. Your wife is scum and your brother is even worse. You will have to deal with your wife due to your children, but that should be the only dealings. She is not your friend. She is not even a friendly acquaintance. She should be treated with respect only because of your children. Move on with your life without them in it. Find someone new eventually. Don't rush it. But seriously, cut these monsters from your life for good.

[Darren Steez]

I have not began proceeding with the D yet... it is so difficult and final

 

Why put yourself in this limbo hell? It's purgatory but only for you because she has it sweet in terms of validation. This can go on for as long as you want it because she can call you when she's on vacation with him, it's like a little hit of the drug.

 

When she was with you she cheated with him, no doubt if she came back to you, she'd be doing the same thing with him. Again the only winner is her.

 

As for how I feel? I feel like absolute $hit, no, $hit would be nice actually

 

You're left holding the can. She's got what she wants OM then you just floating out there whom she can call and dangle R, if you say no then she just goes back to OM...until the next time she calls.

 

You have an unremorseful cheating wife. Cut the string and move on but until you do you cannot start to heal, as long as you're still tied to her then this continues.

 

Sooner or later you run out of excuses about who to blame about your unhappiness when the power of action has always been in your hands.

[aliveagain]

There is no fixing this the only thing you can do is make sure your children are alright. They will need counselling to help explain all that has gone on. Your brother and your wife need to move away, they have caused enough trouble in your family. She and your brother are as nasty as I have ever seen on LoveShack, my heart goes out to you and your children.

[Marc878]

 

My oldest now seems like he is indifferent torwards his mother, which I don't wish upon her. She did nothing wrong by her children, well at least not as much as she did by me. Anyway, I have not began proceeding with the D yet... it is so difficult and final, maybe part of me still loves the woman I thought I married.

 

As for how I feel? I feel like absolute $hit, no, $hit would be nice actually... how do I stop feeling like this??

 

DB

 

She betrayed those kid as well as you. This will be with them for life. Do you not get that?

 

She's calling you but sleeping with him????? She left for a vacation with him. Didn't stay and do the decent thing did she????

 

You are in denial of who she is. Obviously you have a problem with reality.

 

Your are blind and kidding yourself. He's her true husband not you and there is a good chance he fathered your kids as well.

[stillafool]

 

I can't imagine what if anything your POS Brother has to say to you or anyone else in the family. He must be very proud of himself (sarcastically, if not obviously).

 

True, and I'm wondering the same thing about his [] wife.

 

OP, you do know you can't trust her around any male friends of yours. If she will do your blood brother I can only imagine how little she would care about doing anyone else she fancies.

Edited January 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[turnera]

My oldest now seems like he is indifferent torwards his mother, which I don't wish upon her. She did nothing wrong by her children, well at least not as much as she did by me.

PLEASE do not do this to your children. PLEASE do not tell your children that she did not hurt them and that they should accept her! OMG!

 

She ABSOLUTELY stabbed her own children in the heart with her selfish choices.

 

And they deserve the right to BE MAD AT HER!

 

If you try to tell them to play nice and kiss her ass, you will SCREW THEM UP for life.

[masoj3k]

Have you gotten paternity tests done on the kids?

 

Just curious and slightly off topic, does anyone know if a paternity test can differentiate with any success if the OP's brother was the biological father?

[Buckeye2]

Just curious and slightly off topic, does anyone know if a paternity test can differentiate with any success if the OP's brother was the biological father?

 

Yes. They will say that you're not the dad but a close relative of yours is. In fact there is a legal fight about this for crime. Lets say that your brother is in the DNA database and you are not. You commit a crime and your brother's DNA gats a hit. They know its not him but is a close relative of his. Can they go looking at his relatives?

[Buckeye2]

PLEASE do not do this to your children. PLEASE do not tell your children that she did not hurt them and that they should accept her! OMG!

 

She ABSOLUTELY stabbed her own children in the heart with her selfish choices.

 

And they deserve the right to BE MAD AT HER!

 

If you try to tell them to play nice and kiss her ass, you will SCREW THEM UP for life.

 

They don't even know who their dad is.

[road]

Just curious and slightly off topic, does anyone know if a paternity test can differentiate with any success if the OP's brother was the biological father?

 

 

Yes the lab can identify which brother is the bio dad. The lab has to be told that the potential bio dads are close relatives before the test is done. Other wise the lab may err.

[Marc878]

Sometimes we think what we have is ok because the unknown is scary.

 

Not knowing causes anxiety even though we may be in a bad position.

 

I've been faced with this many times and when I look back I reflect how much better it is so what was I worrying about?

 

This is normal. What you've lived and been through is horrible. Your future is unknown but can be a lot better than where you've been.

 

Your future will be what you make it. Going back into what you've come from? Why?

[merrmeade]

She betrayed those kid as well as you. This will be with them for life. Do you not get that?

 

She's calling you but sleeping with him????? She left for a vacation with him. Didn't stay and do the decent thing did she????

 

You are in denial of who she is. Obviously you have a problem with reality.

 

Your are blind and kidding yourself. He's her true husband not you and there is a good chance he fathered your kids as well.

It seems unbelievale to me when I read this that you could have any feeling or sympathy for her, especially realizing that she's actually sleeping with him in between calls to you.

 

But then... Then I realize that's the whole point. You cannot possibly process all of this emotionally in the same way the mind does. In fact, that is what is happening right now: She calls. She pushes emotional buttons that are used to being pushed and which she knows well how to push this way. That emotional response overrides and obscures every other function. Plus you're freaking GRIEVING.

 

And that's why you need to read and try to follow the very sage advice you've gotten based on experience, research and deep reflection here and most likely in therapy. Follow the steps regardless of what your heart is saying and wanting. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and checking off the list in order -

Originally Posted by salparadise

1. divorce

2. therapy

3. time

4. acceptance of what is

5. new love when you're ready

I think that very first post after your return to LS yesterday was all you need.

 

I will remember this thread and this post when frustrated or dismissive of someone's inability to see how impossible and unremorseful the WS is being.

 

I'll remember and remind myself I was also that person.

[William]

Since this issue came up prior in this thread and it's been closed and opened a couple times and is pretty long, I'll direct members to the announcement in this forum linked below, so there's no ambiguity that everyone has been disclosed:

 

If you think a post or thread is a troll....

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation and please continue.

[Try]

She's quite the piece of work trying to reconcile with you by phone while she's on vacation with your brother. I wonder how quickly she had another romp with him after that conversation.

My thoughts exactly. When you confronted her about her affair with your brother, she had two choices. One, she could cut off all contact with her affair partner (your brother) and promise to do everything that you asked of her as she begged for a second chance; or two, she could further humiliate you by openly going on vacation with her affair partner such that everyone knows that she is still cheating on you even after being caught. She picked option two.

 

Asking for a second chance at saving the marriage, while she is on vacation banging your brother makes her one of the least remorseful and heartless cheater in the history of this site.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree...she shows no remorse whatsoever for her actions. No choice here...divorce is the only answer.

 

May she and your brother live happily ever after...NOT

[LifesontheUp]

Her behaviour to you and your kids is despicable. Its been going on for over 14 years and that is why she had no qualms about going on holiday.

 

She is just worried that her little cake eating life is about to change seriously so she is trying to keep hold of you too. However over 14 years is a long time and lets face it she isn't going to let him go either.

 

YOu dont need to do anything right now apart from take legal advice and get counselling. You have some really solid support from your family and I wish you luck as your wife is clearly one heck of a manipulative lieing cake eater