JS84 Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 She did nothing wrong by her children, well at least not as much as she did by me. Have to disagree with that. She completely tore their family apart by her actions. She did everything wrong by them. Anyway hang in there. And I agree she doesn't sound remorseful at all from what you're saying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 So your brother has been married four times.....but in an affair with your wife for fourteen years. How long did his four marriages last and how many of them were part of the affair with his sister in law? This is just.........unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
Anto_80 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I agree with the others above. Your wife has to be one of the most disgusting cheating spouses ever. You should immediately start with the divorce proceedings. I know you think you still love her, it's difficult to turn that switch off. However, time will heal. She cheated on you for 14 years!!!!! Based on her actions there is absolutely no hope for a reconciliation. Stay strong and dump the w**re. Things will get better for you!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 OP, how are you holding up? Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 This is the first time I have read this thread and OMG! My heart and mind just...blew off!!! Someone CAN do something like this... For 14 yeaaaarrs?!!!! That's it. Single for life it is. There is NO WAY I can handle this. Ugh! I feel so sorry for you, OP. I hope you find peace after this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doublebetrayal Posted April 24, 2016 Author Share Posted April 24, 2016 All I have to say is F#@K my life. Just when things were getting better in my life, my life takes another turn in the wrong direction. And this time I have no one to blame but my stupid self! Firstly i'd like to say i'm sorry for going AWOL over the past few months. I did take all of your advice to divorce WW, and I did some damage control i.e individual therapy for all of us, work on myself, focus on the kids etc. so in that regard, all is well. The kids are doing fine I suppose, and up until recently I was doing fine also. We're just waiting for our 12 month seperation period to finish, then the divorce will be final after that. I get to keep my house and we agreed that i'll have primary custody of the kids so that their lives will not be disrupted, but she can visit them anytime and she doesn't live far from us anyway. She is well off on her own means, so it hasn't been a blood bath with our lawyers thankfully. I have been working out a lot, never been in better shape in my life. Things had felt good for the first time after all this mess began. Went on a couple of semi-dates (setup by my sister), which although didn't amount to anything more than a kiss, helped me feel better about myself, my self esteem went up for sure. The dirtbag OM (I will never refer to him as my brother again) decided that he doesn't want to deal with all this mess, so start of February he left Australia to go backpacking in Asia supposedly for a month, then a month turned into 2 months, he still hasn't come back and claims he doesn't intend on coming back anytime soon, GOOD!! This brings us to now and how I F#@KED up royally. Mid last month, stbxWW came over when the kids were sleeping over at their cousins house for the weekend. I knew it was a bad idea that she was coming when the kids weren't at home. I just wanted to hear her out, and we had a nice long chat about everything. I guess she was feeling lonely since OM had left the country, but long story short, against my better judgement she managed to get me a little drunk and we had the best sex i've ever had in my life. Before you guys rip into me, I didn't just give in easily, she practically had to force herself onto me despite me refusing her advances; but once she had started touching me and seducing me, I couldn't resist her (I had not had sex in months, and she is super hot, can you blame me?). We've been secretly having "no strings" sex every other day since then. My therapist says that it's my way of taking back what's mine, you guys call it hysterical bonding? Either way, I hate myself for doing this because it may be no strings technically, but it's been messing with my recovery process. Last night, my 40 year old cheating soon to be ex-wife came over and told me she is pregnant with my child!! She said she wants to keep the baby as long as there are no complications. What do I do now? To make things worse, although the sex is mindblowing, i'm conflicted emotionally about having her in my life as more than just co-parents. I am definitely not going to take her back, never! I am just not sure about this limbo i'm stuck in though. How do I move forward now that we're having another child together? How do I move forward now that we're sex buddies and I can't seem to resist her? Is this going to develop into a relationship? She is so toxic to my life and she is also like a drug I can't seem to quit!! F#@K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am such an idiot!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 Insist on a DNA test. Get a Vasectomy (immediately). Stop having sex with her. Stop having contact with her. Oh man.... are you ever in deep... :sick: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 DNA test ASAP. Actually, I'd ask for proof she's pregnant too. She wouldn't be the first, last, or only woman to be "pregnant" *wink wink* to compel a reconciliation and then, tragically, "miscarry." And stop having sex with her unless you want to get back together. I think it's pretty clear that her "whoopsy" wasn't so much a "whoopsy" but a "gotcha!" I'm not sure what the rules are where you are, but I'm pretty sure if a pregnancy happens during the waiting period before a divorce the court suspends the divorce for a period of time. This happened to a friend of mine and their divorce was halted until the baby was born, paternity was confirmed, and they could do child support. The reason being that the court can't order support on somebody not born yet and they don't want to see everybody back in court or in mediation in less than a year. Time to check with the lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 I'm not going to be mean to you. No matter what they do to us, no matter how hard we try, the truth is you can't just turn feelings off after spending your whole life with someone. What your ex did is so mindblowingly horrific that I wouldn't put ANYTHING past her. As others have said DNA test before you believe anything! She could of seduced you because she knew she was already pregnant...I wouldn't put it past her! She knows that you're a great, loyal father. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I hate to say that about a new life but I hope you know what I mean. You already know that you can be a fantastic Dad without sharing a home with your ex. I bet you were very involved in raising your children. You know how to take care of a baby. Are you thinking of allowing her back into your home & life? I'd be so very confused. Ugh! This must be so very hard for you. I can't imagine. You NEED support. The members here should be gentle & compassionate. Just ignore any who aren't! The worst thing that you can do is pull away from support through embarrassment or fear of being spoken to badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 Something tells me this pregnancy was planned by your ex wife. The timing is far too convenient. I wish you hadn't been sleeping with her for your own healing but what's done is done. Getting proof of pregnancy and a DNA test would be smart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) No matter what finish the DIVORCE. Next thing is she'll be wanting you to rugsweep everything and just become one big happy family again. Until maybe your brother comes back. Edited April 24, 2016 by Marc878 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 You don't know who else she's been with so don't assume it's yours. Paternity test!! And, don't spend time with her alone anymore, since she knows your weaknesses, knows how to manipulate you and push the right buttons so you'll cave just do not put yourself in a situation where something can happen. Don't ever have a glass of wine around her either. Continue with the divorce. Keep boundaries tight and most of all, forgive yourself for making a bad choice by hopping into bed with your stbxw. It happens more often than you think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 It dawned on me over dinner.... If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything. The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 Be very very careful. Your brother is gone now but he will definitely come back into the picture at some point. Your ex is a totally unreliable and unsafe person. I usually am against abortion but in this case I think it might be a valid option. If she keeps the child you will need a paternity test done. You have really messed up here OP. This might force you to reunite with her. I am very sorry for your situation, it seems you have no luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) It dawned on me over dinner.... If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything. The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours. Actually, it will. The only way their DNA would be virtually indistinguishable, is if they're identical twins. Even siblings have slight variations. I believe. Like I said, I could be wrong. (Maybe I watch too much CSI..... ) Edited April 24, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 It dawned on me over dinner.... If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything. The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours. If he is the father the paternity test will be 100 percent. If his bro is, then it will be less percentage, it will mean they share the same DNA. No two DNA is exactly the same unless you're twins. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 I found this on a forum on a site called "Quora". The requirements to read forum inputs are such that you have to join and commit to contributing (which I did!), so I can't post a direct link otherwise you'd all have to follow suit! But this is a copy-paste of a discussion: Q: Do siblings who share the same set of parents each have the same distribution of parental DNA? Can one sibling have more of one parent's DNA or would the parental DNA distribution be equal? Cath Ennis Cath Ennis, BSc Genetics, PhD Molecular Cell Biology, working on cancer genomics since 2007 Cath is a Most Viewed Writer in DNA. A: Each sibling gets the same distribution of parental DNA in terms of percentages. That is, each sibling gets half of their DNA from the mother and half from the father*. However, each sibling gets different parts of the two parents' DNA. It always adds up to 50:50, but if you have a gene where the father has the two versions A and a and the mother has the two versions B and b, you could have siblings that end up with AB, Ab, aB, or ab. Each sibling has one version of the gene from their mother and one from their father, but the combinations are different. The same's true for every gene, because how the chromosome sections separate out as the egg and sperm cells are formed is essentially random. This is why you end up with siblings who are similar, but not identical - they're made from the same starting material (the parents' genes), but in different combinations. *Male offspring actually have slightly more DNA from their mother than from their father, because the X chromosome they get from their mother is bigger than the Y chromosome they get from their father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doublebetrayal Posted April 24, 2016 Author Share Posted April 24, 2016 I will go with her to the doctor first thing on Tuesday. Right now we're busy with the ANZAC day long weekend with the families. So far no one else knows about the alleged pregnancy, she is 100% sure the child is mine as she claims she hasn't slept with anyone else (and i'm the prince of USA... lol). We should be able to determine if i'm the father from date of conception? Either way, i'm under the belief she is indeed pregnant and the child is mine. It's causing me anxiety, but i'd rather believe the worst case scenario so that I can be relieved if it's all a lie, or I will be able to cope in the future if it's all true. As for the DNA of my already born children, I am still not interested if they are biologically mine or not. They are MY children and no DNA test will ever take them away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 Just as you stopped thinking when she got you drunk and seduced you (and every time since), why don't you start thinking and keep thinking every time you see her. You need to make a list of what makes her horrible and say it to her every time she comes onto you. And if you need some help there are lots of people here who do that really well. Just for starters, the most recent opportunism is pretty disgusting to me. She's coming onto you because she wants to be taken care of again. She wanted to get pregnant to force your hand. Maybe she knew what it would do to the divorce proceedings. She used you; she still is... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ashley1992 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 so sorry about your loss.. U seem like such a great guy..l it's her loss.. She's evil.. How dirty and low can someone be? like she couldn't find a milkman or the electrician but ur brother?? And he's even worse for doing this to u.. U need to confront her and move on in ur life.. she doesn't deserve u at all.. Stay strong mate Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 It dawned on me over dinner.... If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything. The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours. Not true. When doing a DNA test the lab has to be told that a possible father may be the BH's brother. They then do a "tighter test" and the results are just as accurate. Side fact whenever paternity is suspect the lab must always be told if the potential OM was a relative. Also now DNA paternity tests are now safe because they use the mother blood because some of the babies cells get into the mothers blood stream. No sample gets taken from the baby in the womb. Yes go with WW to get a pregnancy test and paternity test ASAP. You should not feel bad for you were not the first BH to HB and will not be the last. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 You don't know who else she's been with so don't assume it's yours. Paternity test!! And, don't spend time with her alone anymore, since she knows your weaknesses, knows how to manipulate you and push the right buttons so you'll cave just do not put yourself in a situation where something can happen. Don't ever have a glass of wine around her either. Continue with the divorce. Keep boundaries tight and most of all, forgive yourself for making a bad choice by hopping into bed with your stbxw. It happens more often than you think. This. Divorce due to infidelity causes an emotional crisis which comes with considerable loneliness. Sleeping with STBX shows unfinished business and grieving for what was lost as well as what could have been. Though it was foolish for the OP to sleep with his ex, that poor decision was also understandable. Sadly, it has led to a terrible situation which will make his divorce slower. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 OP if I were you I make her schedule an appointment with a clinic ASAP! Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) Yes, it is understandable and nobody's better than you. We all have made similar mistakes or worse, depending on the people and the consequences. But I think you need strategies. I was serious about developing a list or something to say to yourself, say to her, envision something - whatever shakes you out of that pull to reconnect with her. It's powerful and you can't do this when you're in the midst of it. Dealing with it effectively means being able to follow through with the actions that will get you out of compromise and unwanted consequences, which is also not a result of mere cognition. You can't just think what you want to happen to get it or think some part of it and expect you will follow through with the right steps to feel motivated, empowered and able to act in a way that brings about the consequences you really and truly want. In other words, behavior cannot depend on thoughts. You have to list, plan, and practice what you're going to do or say. For example, if I want to lose weight, it's not enough to think I should lose weight; my behavior won't change. I have to put a plan in place to elicit the BEHAVIOR that won't depend on thinking or feeling the opposite — for example, - Prevent access, e.g.: > don't let bad foods in the house (just don't let her in), > don't go where they will be (if she's going to be there, you're not), etc., - Put reminders/motivators somewhere seen often (fridge, wallet mirror), e.g.: > a list of the negatives and positives (how she's toxic for you; how you're better without her), > a picture that elicits a strong reminder (brother and her together), - Plan what to do faced with temptation: > go somewhere else (a friend's?), > talk to myself (plan what that is). Find someone who does cognitive/behavioral therapy to help you. Edited April 24, 2016 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 So DB if your wife is pregnant by you does this affect the separation/divorce process in AU? You obviously feel something for your wife but IMHO she needs to see and feel the ultimate consequence from you for LTA affair...... A divorce. What say you DB? And your brother again turns out to be the biggest loser by showing your wife just how much he cares for her. Two selfish idiots. Be easy on yourself my friend. HM Link to post Share on other sites
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