wife having affair with brother

[CarrieT]

Insist on a DNA test.

 

Get a Vasectomy (immediately).

 

Stop having sex with her.

 

Stop having contact with her.

 

Oh man.... are you ever in deep... :sick:

[Lady Hamilton]

DNA test ASAP. Actually, I'd ask for proof she's pregnant too. She wouldn't be the first, last, or only woman to be "pregnant" *wink wink* to compel a reconciliation and then, tragically, "miscarry."

 

And stop having sex with her unless you want to get back together. I think it's pretty clear that her "whoopsy" wasn't so much a "whoopsy" but a "gotcha!"

 

I'm not sure what the rules are where you are, but I'm pretty sure if a pregnancy happens during the waiting period before a divorce the court suspends the divorce for a period of time. This happened to a friend of mine and their divorce was halted until the baby was born, paternity was confirmed, and they could do child support. The reason being that the court can't order support on somebody not born yet and they don't want to see everybody back in court or in mediation in less than a year. Time to check with the lawyer.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not going to be mean to you. No matter what they do to us, no matter how hard we try, the truth is you can't just turn feelings off after spending your whole life with someone.

 

What your ex did is so mindblowingly horrific that I wouldn't put ANYTHING past her. As others have said DNA test before you believe anything! She could of seduced you because she knew she was already pregnant...I wouldn't put it past her! She knows that you're a great, loyal father.

 

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I hate to say that about a new life but I hope you know what I mean. You already know that you can be a fantastic Dad without sharing a home with your ex. I bet you were very involved in raising your children. You know how to take care of a baby.

 

Are you thinking of allowing her back into your home & life? I'd be so very confused.

 

Ugh! This must be so very hard for you. I can't imagine. You NEED support.

 

The members here should be gentle & compassionate. Just ignore any who aren't! The worst thing that you can do is pull away from support through embarrassment or fear of being spoken to badly.

[BettyDraper]

Something tells me this pregnancy was planned by your ex wife.

 

The timing is far too convenient. I wish you hadn't been sleeping with her for your own healing but what's done is done.

 

Getting proof of pregnancy and a DNA test would be smart.

[Marc878]

No matter what finish the DIVORCE.

 

Next thing is she'll be wanting you to rugsweep everything and just become one big happy family again. Until maybe your brother comes back.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Marc878

[whichwayisup]

You don't know who else she's been with so don't assume it's yours. Paternity test!!

 

And, don't spend time with her alone anymore, since she knows your weaknesses, knows how to manipulate you and push the right buttons so you'll cave just do not put yourself in a situation where something can happen. Don't ever have a glass of wine around her either.

 

Continue with the divorce. Keep boundaries tight and most of all, forgive yourself for making a bad choice by hopping into bed with your stbxw. It happens more often than you think.

[CarrieT]

It dawned on me over dinner....

 

If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything.

 

The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours.

[smi11ie]

Be very very careful. Your brother is gone now but he will definitely come back into the picture at some point. Your ex is a totally unreliable and unsafe person. I usually am against abortion but in this case I think it might be a valid option. If she keeps the child you will need a paternity test done. You have really messed up here OP. This might force you to reunite with her. I am very sorry for your situation, it seems you have no luck.

[TaraMaiden2]

It dawned on me over dinner....

 

If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything.

 

The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours.

 

Actually, it will. The only way their DNA would be virtually indistinguishable, is if they're identical twins. Even siblings have slight variations.

 

I believe.

Like I said, I could be wrong. (Maybe I watch too much CSI..... )

Edited April 24, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[whichwayisup]

It dawned on me over dinner....

 

If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything.

 

The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours.

 

If he is the father the paternity test will be 100 percent. If his bro is, then it will be less percentage, it will mean they share the same DNA. No two DNA is exactly the same unless you're twins.

[TaraMaiden2]

I found this on a forum on a site called "Quora". The requirements to read forum inputs are such that you have to join and commit to contributing (which I did!), so I can't post a direct link otherwise you'd all have to follow suit!

 

But this is a copy-paste of a discussion:

 

Q: Do siblings who share the same set of parents each have the same distribution of parental DNA? Can one sibling have more of one parent's DNA or would the parental DNA distribution be equal?

 

Cath Ennis

Cath Ennis, BSc Genetics, PhD Molecular Cell Biology, working on cancer genomics since 2007

 

Cath is a Most Viewed Writer in DNA.

 

A: Each sibling gets the same distribution of parental DNA in terms of percentages. That is, each sibling gets half of their DNA from the mother and half from the father*.

 

However, each sibling gets different parts of the two parents' DNA. It always adds up to 50:50, but if you have a gene where the father has the two versions A and a and the mother has the two versions B and b, you could have siblings that end up with AB, Ab, aB, or ab. Each sibling has one version of the gene from their mother and one from their father, but the combinations are different. The same's true for every gene, because how the chromosome sections separate out as the egg and sperm cells are formed is essentially random. This is why you end up with siblings who are similar, but not identical - they're made from the same starting material (the parents' genes), but in different combinations.

 

*Male offspring actually have slightly more DNA from their mother than from their father, because the X chromosome they get from their mother is bigger than the Y chromosome they get from their father.

[doublebetrayal]

I will go with her to the doctor first thing on Tuesday. Right now we're busy with the ANZAC day long weekend with the families. So far no one else knows about the alleged pregnancy, she is 100% sure the child is mine as she claims she hasn't slept with anyone else (and i'm the prince of USA... lol). We should be able to determine if i'm the father from date of conception? Either way, i'm under the belief she is indeed pregnant and the child is mine. It's causing me anxiety, but i'd rather believe the worst case scenario so that I can be relieved if it's all a lie, or I will be able to cope in the future if it's all true.

 

As for the DNA of my already born children, I am still not interested if they are biologically mine or not. They are MY children and no DNA test will ever take them away from me.

[merrmeade]

Just as you stopped thinking when she got you drunk and seduced you (and every time since), why don't you start thinking and keep thinking every time you see her. You need to make a list of what makes her horrible and say it to her every time she comes onto you.

 

And if you need some help there are lots of people here who do that really well.

 

Just for starters, the most recent opportunism is pretty disgusting to me.

She's coming onto you because she wants to be taken care of again.

She wanted to get pregnant to force your hand.

Maybe she knew what it would do to the divorce proceedings.

She used you; she still is...

[ashley1992]

so sorry about your loss.. U seem like such a great guy..l it's her loss.. She's evil.. How dirty and low can someone be? like she couldn't find a milkman or the electrician but ur brother?? And he's even worse for doing this to u.. U need to confront her and move on in ur life.. she doesn't deserve u at all.. Stay strong mate

[road]

It dawned on me over dinner....

 

If she is pregnant and the father is your brother, than a DNA test won't prove anything.

 

The bottom line will be that you will be financially responsible for this child who may or may not be yours.

 

 

Not true. When doing a DNA test the lab has to be told that a possible father may be the BH's brother. They then do a "tighter test" and the results are just as accurate.

 

 

Side fact whenever paternity is suspect the lab must always be told if the potential OM was a relative.

 

 

Also now DNA paternity tests are now safe because they use the mother blood because some of the babies cells get into the mothers blood stream. No sample gets taken from the baby in the womb.

 

 

Yes go with WW to get a pregnancy test and paternity test ASAP.

 

 

You should not feel bad for you were not the first BH to HB and will not be the last.

[BettyDraper]

You don't know who else she's been with so don't assume it's yours. Paternity test!!

 

And, don't spend time with her alone anymore, since she knows your weaknesses, knows how to manipulate you and push the right buttons so you'll cave just do not put yourself in a situation where something can happen. Don't ever have a glass of wine around her either.

 

Continue with the divorce. Keep boundaries tight and most of all, forgive yourself for making a bad choice by hopping into bed with your stbxw. It happens more often than you think.

 

This. Divorce due to infidelity causes an emotional crisis which comes with considerable loneliness. Sleeping with STBX shows unfinished business and grieving for what was lost as well as what could have been.

 

Though it was foolish for the OP to sleep with his ex, that poor decision was also understandable. Sadly, it has led to a terrible situation which will make his divorce slower.

[stillafool]

OP if I were you I make her schedule an appointment with a clinic ASAP!

[merrmeade]

Yes, it is understandable and nobody's better than you. We all have made similar mistakes or worse, depending on the people and the consequences.

 

But I think you need strategies. I was serious about developing a list or something to say to yourself, say to her, envision something - whatever shakes you out of that pull to reconnect with her. It's powerful and you can't do this when you're in the midst of it. Dealing with it effectively means being able to follow through with the actions that will get you out of compromise and unwanted consequences, which is also not a result of mere cognition. You can't just think what you want to happen to get it or think some part of it and expect you will follow through with the right steps to feel motivated, empowered and able to act in a way that brings about the consequences you really and truly want.

 

In other words, behavior cannot depend on thoughts. You have to list, plan, and practice what you're going to do or say. For example, if I want to lose weight, it's not enough to think I should lose weight; my behavior won't change. I have to put a plan in place to elicit the BEHAVIOR that won't depend on thinking or feeling the opposite — for example,

- Prevent access, e.g.:

> don't let bad foods in the house (just don't let her in),

> don't go where they will be (if she's going to be there, you're not), etc.,

 

- Put reminders/motivators somewhere seen often (fridge, wallet mirror), e.g.:

> a list of the negatives and positives (how she's toxic for you; how you're better without her),

> a picture that elicits a strong reminder (brother and her together),

 

- Plan what to do faced with temptation:

> go somewhere else (a friend's?),

> talk to myself (plan what that is).

 

Find someone who does cognitive/behavioral therapy to help you.

Edited April 24, 2016 by merrmeade

[happyman64]

So DB if your wife is pregnant by you does this affect the separation/divorce process in AU?

 

You obviously feel something for your wife but IMHO she needs to see and feel the ultimate consequence from you for LTA affair......

 

A divorce.

 

What say you DB?

 

And your brother again turns out to be the biggest loser by showing your wife just how much he cares for her.

 

Two selfish idiots.

 

Be easy on yourself my friend.

 

HM

[S2B]

It's highly possible she was pregnant before she manipulated you and wanted you to be responsible for this pregnancy too (just like the others). It's also possible she's not pregnant at all.

 

You need solid evidence. Ask her doctor - is she pregnant? How far along? Can DNA test be done now?

 

And while you're at it - have you considered a vasectomy? You're responsible for not protecting this possible pregnancy too. Start taking precautions.

 

Get tested for diseases.

 

And see a counselor to help you have some self control and find that self respect you had a while back...learn to tell her NO and mean it. Learn not to ever be alone with her. Remind yourself the evil she's capable of.

[Honourably honest]

It was your brother last time, it will be someone else soon. You are entitled to lead her on to think everything can be saved, then smash that dream like she did to you, but somehow I think you are slowly being taken in. Good luck if this results in a good dose of revenge though.

[aliveagain]

Well unless your brother flew back without you knowing(since he's been gone several months) the child is most likely yours depending on what the doctor tells you regarding the stage of her pregnancy. Your not the first betrayed spouse on L/S to be trapped with a baby, my guess is that was her intent seeing how she pursued you so aggressively. You should finish your divorce no matter what. Talk to your lawyer because some Courts tend to accept that sex after infidelity is a form of forgiveness. Your thinking with the stupid head, start using the smart head again.

[merrmeade]

Yes, it is understandable and nobody's better than you. We all have made similar mistakes or worse, depending on the people and the consequences.

 

But I think you need strategies. I was serious about developing a list or something to say to yourself, say to her, envision something - whatever shakes you out of that pull to reconnect with her. It's powerful and you can't do this when you're in the midst of it. Dealing with it effectively means being able to follow through with the actions that will get you out of compromise and unwanted consequences, which is also not a result of mere cognition. You can't just think what you want to happen to get it or think some part of it and expect you will follow through with the right steps to feel motivated, empowered and able to act in a way that brings about the consequences you really and truly want.

 

In other words, behavior cannot depend on thoughts. You have to list, plan, and practice what you're going to do or say. For example, if I want to lose weight, it's not enough to think I should lose weight; my behavior won't change. I have to put a plan in place to elicit the BEHAVIOR that won't depend on thinking or feeling the opposite — for example,

- Prevent access, e.g.:

> don't let bad foods in the house (just don't let her in),

> don't go where they will be (if she's going to be there, you're not), etc.,

 

- Put reminders/motivators somewhere seen often (fridge, wallet mirror), e.g.:

> a list of the negatives and positives (how she's toxic for you; how you're better without her),

> a picture that elicits a strong reminder (brother and her together),

 

- Plan what to do faced with temptation:

> go somewhere else (a friend's?),

> talk to myself (plan what that is).

 

Find someone who does cognitive/behavioral therapy to help you.

In the light of day, don't know what I was thinking or consuming when I wrote that post. Um. Anyway, you've gotten some appropriate sympathy and advice. Can't imagine what you're going through and sorry for trivializing.

[S2B]

Literally she could've pregnant by any other man - it's not safe to assume it could only be you or your brother.

[doublebetrayal]

Thanks everyone for your support. I am definitely not going to take her back despite this alleged pregnancy. Today is the big day, we will be going to the doctor in a few hours. I'll try to update here as soon as we get back.

 

I need some advice on something that isn't entirely infidelity related. This weekend was one of the most confusing/traumatic weekends of my life. While we were all celebrating ANZAC day together with the families, I caught my eldest son making out with his cousin (OM's oldest daughter from his first marriage). How does a father react to seeing something like that? Well, for obvious reasons I lost it, and asked them what the hell was going on!!

 

My son said "if it's ok for Jen's dad (OM) to F#@K my mum (WW), then it's ok for us to F#@K too!". I honestly had no words, and i'm still quite shocked that this is actually happening. I guess therapy isn't going as well as I had hoped, i'm such a bad parent. Who knows what they've been doing during all these sleep overs. I would be ok with it all if it was another girl who wasn't his own relative. He is obviously very angry about this affair, and using it to justify this sick twisted reality he's living. What do I do? What do I say to them? How do I stop this from continuing? Nobody else knows about their relations and today i'm just trying to focus my energy on the doctors appointment.

 

I had to tell them that i'm not the enemy here, I was just as crushed by the affair as they were, if not more. That seemed to calm him down, but that's were we left things. We haven't spoken about it since, as I said we would talk about it later. How did I not see this happening under my roof? But then again, my own wife did fool me for over a decade without me suspecting anything. I was much happier not long ago, now i'm so depressed, confused and conflicted than ever before. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?