wife having affair with brother

[S2B]

Just for specifics - did you go with your wife to that gathering?

[Dancewithme]

Dear OP, you didn't do anything to deserve this. And from what I've read, you are not a bad parent, just a man who trusted and loved his wife and family. WW and OM did all this, not you. I think WW gets the bad parent award.

 

I am assuming this is the son who was with you when you first saw WW and OM? I can't remember his age, I'm assuming a teen. And unfortunately, teens express hurt and confusion in extreme ways, and acting out. Poor kid, I'm sure he's hurt, angry, and confused, his mother has betrayed his family in the worst way, changed everything what he once believed about family, and he doesn't know how to cope. But it's not your fault! All on those other two!

 

This requires your attention immediately. How often does your son go to IC, maybe more is needed, or a different approach. Speak with his therapist, update therapist on son's behavior, and take it from there.

 

I am so sorry you have all of these issues piling on you right now. Please be kind to yourself right now, and take care of yourself. Your plate is pretty full. I hope you have IC for yourself, also.

 

Good luck

[CarrieT]

The response should have been, "It was NOT okay and that is why we are divorcing and this family is in turmoil. And, son, I would have hoped you would have learned from this lesson and laid off your cousin."

 

And then I would have sent him to Military School.

[S2B]

You need to figure out where your boundary is - then start parenting.

 

We will talk about it later? Have you talked about it now? Has he been given any guidance or punishment for his behavior?

 

You need to be his Dad! It's not the time to be avoidant because of your wife's bad behavior. Start talking about things with the kids. Tell them how you feel betrayed. Let them say how they feel too. But most of all you need to lead by example and stay away from your soon to be ex wife so the kids don't think her behavior is ok - by giving them mixed signals.

 

You're divorcing her? Then act like you're divorcing her and stay away from her. She's toxic. She's already ruin so many areas of your life - where's your limit?

[merrmeade]

Thanks everyone for your support. I am definitely not going to take her back despite this alleged pregnancy. Today is the big day, we will be going to the doctor in a few hours. I'll try to update here as soon as we get back.

 

I need some advice on something that isn't entirely infidelity related. This weekend was one of the most confusing/traumatic weekends of my life. While we were all celebrating ANZAC day together with the families, I caught my eldest son making out with his cousin (OM's oldest daughter from his first marriage). How does a father react to seeing something like that? Well, for obvious reasons I lost it, and asked them what the hell was going on!!

 

My son said "if it's ok for Jen's dad (OM) to F#@K my mum (WW), then it's ok for us to F#@K too!". I honestly had no words, and i'm still quite shocked that this is actually happening. I guess therapy isn't going as well as I had hoped, i'm such a bad parent. Who knows what they've been doing during all these sleep overs. I would be ok with it all if it was another girl who wasn't his own relative. He is obviously very angry about this affair, and using it to justify this sick twisted reality he's living. What do I do? What do I say to them? How do I stop this from continuing? Nobody else knows about their relations and today i'm just trying to focus my energy on the doctors appointment.

 

I had to tell them that i'm not the enemy here, I was just as crushed by the affair as they were, if not more. That seemed to calm him down, but that's were we left things. We haven't spoken about it since, as I said we would talk about it later. How did I not see this happening under my roof? But then again, my own wife did fool me for over a decade without me suspecting anything. I was much happier not long ago, now i'm so depressed, confused and conflicted than ever before. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?

Hey, go easy on yourself, db, and besides - I think you did fine by your response to the kids because of this: "I had to tell them that i'm not the enemy here, I was just as crushed by the affair as they were, if not more." That was a great start because you were letting him know that you shaken by all that's happened and vulnerable as well, and you are struggling with some of the same questions.

 

I think that this is a great wake-up call for you and opportunity. This is a reminder of all the ways you are important to the family and each kid, this son especially because of his role in it and because of his age. It will force you to think about the issues from his perspective and, let us hope, try to find out more about that and how you can help. Look for books to help; maybe ask the therapist or school psychologist.

 

That situation should be the beginning of many talks and opportunities you will have with your son. Whether it's a cheating mother or something else, budding adolescents WILL have their issues regardless and they WILL need their same sex parent to help them by example and by how well they handle their part in the parent-child relationship in this new volatile period - the teens. Just think: He's got to deal with this family calamity AND becoming a teenager!

 

This is just what it is to have a teenager and why he needs you at your best now. All you can do is be honest AND try to meet his needs and questions where he is. You can even share (not the details) that it's been difficult for everyone to sort out what things mean now.

 

If you're not used to talking to him much, that's another reason this is an opportunity and a beginning. You want to say what's important to you in general regarding love (vs lust), marriage, commitment and the nature of relationship.

 

I hope this is only one of many rewarding and important conversations you have with your son. Don't forget to let him cue you as to how much and for how long. Remember it's the first of many:jd

[S2B]

What happened at the clinic yesterday?

[merrmeade]

The response should have been, "It was NOT okay and that is why we are divorcing and this family is in turmoil. And, son, I would have hoped you would have learned from this lesson and laid off your cousin."

 

And then I would have sent him to Military School.

Right. And the kids may know they've been seeing each other. The worst thing he could do is be such a hypocrite. He has to be a parent, yes, but his son will never trust that.

[ChickiePops]

I'm certainly no lawyer and I could be wrong..but I thought incest was illegal? Or is it just marrying blood relatives that's illegal? I don't want to Google it because I don't want to end up on some kind of list...

[doublebetrayal]

It's really late here and I know I promised an update asap. She is indeed pregnant and i'm definitely the father. I will update you all on everything that happened when I wake up (if I sleep at all). Kind of makes me wonder maybe this is all just a nightmare and I will wake up at the end of it all? I certainly hope so! Anyway i'm really knackered guys, good night for now.

[aliveagain]

Seriously friend, you have to go through with the divorce, how else will you show your children that there are consequences for their cheating mother being their uncles fu*k buddy for the last decade or more? You can still be the legal father of your child but it doesn't mean you need to be married to do that. Do you actually think you can be with her and still save face with your family? Your going to have to explain her pregnancy to your children and the rest of the family. If I, a stranger am having a hard time with it imagine how the people that are close to you will feel.

 

Why did you ever allow yourself to go there, tainted doesn't even come close to describing your wife. The whole family knows where she was for Christmas and who she was with every day. What does it take for you to see the situation you have put everyone in? Your changing the behaviors and beliefs of your children, just look at how your son is acting up. Have you discussed other options like termination? The only thing that would make this situation worse is finding out your son got his first cousin pregnant.

[Honourably honest]

I think you've lost the moral high ground. Like her you have let your genitals take you somewhere dark. Now a child is the end result of a disastrous relationship. Aside from the obvious love conflict, you have an expensive mistake to cater for for years to come. Not exactly a great outcome.

[CarrieT]

The only thing that would make this situation worse is finding out your son got his first cousin pregnant.

Why do I have a feeling this is what is next?

 

OP, have you had the condom talk with your son?

[OldRover]

DB,

 

You've gone thru a lot.

 

But, clearly there's still a strong attraction to your WW. Not saying that's good or bad, but you "may" be able to enjoy a good life with her. People DO change. However, Id continue with the divorce for sure.

 

I know of someone whose is almost exactly in the same shoes as yours, and they did get back together, divorced, and have been doing great for years. And the kids have gotten along fine, too. (but they aren't screwing cousins....)

 

You can take it one step at a time. And still enjoy the mind blowing sex (nothing wrong with that, as long as you understand the issues), and you could probably get along with her. You implied a fairly friendly divorce so far.

 

Just an option.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'd still get the paternity test, and I'm almost sure your lawyer will require it.

 

I don't agree that you have to leave and/or follow through with the divorce to teach her or anybody else a lesson.

 

I think what you have to do is decide for yourself what you want and then lay down some "here's how it's going to be" rules.

 

Either it's "we're getting divorced, I do/don't want anything to do with the baby, I will/won't sign my rights to them away, and I will/won't work out child support after speaking with the lawyer" or "the divorce is on hold, I expect X, Y, Z from you, if you do A, B, or C, the divorce is back on. I will not tolerate 1, 2, and 3."

 

While this is possible that this was just as much a shock to her as it was you, I still would operate under the assumption that she pulled a "gotcha" and is trying to force a reconciliation with a band-aid baby.

 

Simply put... You've got a lot to work on with the kids. So much it may take priority over everything else.

[HereNorThere]

I want to know more about this instant, first weeks, non-invasive paternity test you took because nothing like this is available in my area.

[TaraMaiden2]

I want to know more about this instant, first weeks, non-invasive paternity test you took because nothing like this is available in my area.

 

Yeah, me too. Paternity/DNA tests never take less than week round here.

Although if you do an internet search, many clinics CAN do it in 24 - 48 hours....

[SJS]

I want to know more about this instant, first weeks, non-invasive paternity test you took because nothing like this is available in my area.

Unless they're going by conception date.

 

 

If this situation is real, I feel for the guy, but man would it make a great Ryan Gosling movie.

[Moxie Lady]

It's really late here and I know I promised an update asap. She is indeed pregnant and i'm definitely the father. I will update you all on everything that happened when I wake up (if I sleep at all). Kind of makes me wonder maybe this is all just a nightmare and I will wake up at the end of it all? I certainly hope so! Anyway i'm really knackered guys, good night for now.

 

I havent read beyond this point in the thread but how did you possibly get a DNA test with results that fast? And why would it involve a clinic visit? I have never heard of such a thing and this is my area of knowledge.

[S2B]

It's really late here and I know I promised an update asap. She is indeed pregnant and i'm definitely the father. I will update you all on everything that happened when I wake up (if I sleep at all). Kind of makes me wonder maybe this is all just a nightmare and I will wake up at the end of it all? I certainly hope so! Anyway i'm really knackered guys, good night for now.

 

Or the brother could be the father. Or anyone for that matter. I wouldn't take her word for when she became pregnant...or by whom.

 

Either way - follow through and divorce her. Raising another child will be a price of cake compared to living with her drama and lies for years to come.

 

No matter what she throws your way - no one says you have to believe her.

[ShatteredLady]

A member predicted it happening in POST 9. Others had already commented on how wives cheating with brothers is actually more common than one would like to think apparently.

 

"Interesting how many women cheat with their husbands brothers,

the more I think about it leads me to believe it must be in case she get's pregnant, the kids will still look like his side of the family."

 

(Reading it at the time I did think "Haven't these people heard of contraception & surely the possibility of getting pregnant (& the fallout) isn't a deciding factor in choosing an AP!)

 

I don't know how often it happens but it's just horrific to think that it could happen even once. Affairs within families are so incredibly destructive for so many people. How can anyone do it? Or maybe the taboo is part of the thrill

[TaraMaiden2]

I want to put it on record here that my husband's brother is a conniving, dishonest, blustering bully of a man, and I wouldn't touch him with ANYONE ELSE'S 10-foot barge-pole, let alone mine.

 

Thanks.

[doublebetrayal]

Sorry everyone I have been busy with work and family. This will be a long read so I apologize. I would just like to clarify that I am absolutely certain i'm the father because of the timeline of conception. I won't get into too much detaul, but there is no way anyone else could have slept with her during the time period she concieved.

 

Anyway after discovering that i'm going to be a father again, I hate to admit this but I was not thrilled. Subsequently I messed up bigtime afterwards. WW and I had a huge fight and I ended up pushing her to a wall, she wasn't hurt physically but I feel like sh#t because of it. I would like to go on record and say I have never done that before and I won't do it ever again. I am against domestic violence, but you have to understand what led me to do such a thing. This is basically a shortened version of the dialogue we shared after the doctors visit (very shortened):

 

Her: why haven't you said anything this whole time? (When driving home I didn't say a thing the whole drive)

 

Me: i'm just thinking about the future

 

Her: ... well?

 

Me: i don't feel like talking about this right now i'm going to take a nap

 

Her: you can at least try to act a little excited, this is your child after all

 

Me: for F#@K sake WW how can you expect me to be thrilled about this? I am barely trying to get my head around your affair and now this?!?! I'll be more excited if you abort because right now we are not in the right place to bring a child into the world

 

Her: doublebetrayal I am having this child and you are going to help me raise it ok? don't be a coward take responsibility for your child

 

Me: (lots of swearing and shouting) how can you talk to me about being a coward and taking responsibility when you're the one that was a cum dumpster to OM while married to me go to hell

 

Her: (crying) how can you say this to me after all the fun we've been having lately? This child is supposed to be a new start for us...

 

Me: (I interupted her) so you did plan this?!?!

 

Her: of course I did whats so wrong about a wife who regrets what she did trying to have a fresh start with her husband

 

Me: OMG they were right! first of all i am not your husband anymore and if we are going to raise this child together its ony as co-parents not as husband and wife

 

Her: so is this how you really see me? you F#@K me whenever you please and just walk away like i'm some piece of meat? i may have messed up bigtime, but I do not deserve to be treated like this! and who the hell are "they"? Who have you been talking to?

 

Me: you know that's not what I meant, and that's none of your business

 

Her: (interupted me) i don't give a F#@K what you meant, if you want to go ahead with the divorce i swear i'llmake sure to take you to the cleaners

 

The rest is a blur I ended up losing it and pushed her like I said earlier in the post but we made up. Reading my own words and playing it back in my head actually makes me realize how toxic this relationship is and how powerless I am against this woman. It wasn't always like this, I feel like such a chump!! To make matters worse while making up with her I may have incriminated myself about me posting online (I didn't say what site though) I certainly hope she doesn't discover loveshack and find this thread all hell would break loose!!

 

Anyway because of that incident she has leverage against me if I go ahead with the divorce. I don't know about the rest of you but domestic violence torwards a pregnant woman is not taken lightly here in Australia, i would be way more screwed royally if I don't at least try to give this marriage another go. So now although against my better judgement and being coerced, i'm actually considering giving us another chance, or at least holding off on the divorce until she has calmed down.

 

As for my son, well that's another situation causing me stress. I so urgently desperately need some advice about this! Here is the dialogue I had with him the other day:

 

Me: so you wanna talk about it?

 

Him: talk about what?

 

Me: dont make this anymore awkward than it has to be mate you know what i'm talking about

 

Him: I have had a crush on her and loved her for as long as I could remember

 

Me: she is your first cousin! in what world is it ok to sleep with your cousin?!

 

Him: why is it so wrong dad?? it's just society that says its wrong. It feels right between us, and mums affair has showed me that these things are natural among relatives

 

Me: you cant use your mothers affair as an excuse to sleep with your cousin thats not right

 

Him: answer my question dad why is it wrong for me to be with my cousin? Muslims marry their cousins too and you don't see anyone saying anything, so why should it be different for us?

 

Me: (awkward pause) well you are not Muslim mate besides what do you think everyones going to say? do you think everyone at your school and the whole of our family is going to be ok with it?

 

Him: i don't care about what others think dad, i am a straight A student (he is) and i don't cause you and mum any problems (actually also true) and I am happy to finally have the confidence to speak my heart

 

Me: you are so young and you are going through a lot, maybe this isnt the right time to be getting involved with anyone as you are extremely vulnerable at the moment

 

Him: what do you mean

 

Me: well what if this all just a way for you to cope with what you are dealing with, what if you are leading your cousin on and you end up breaking her heart when you have finally gotten over your pain

 

Him: i have had feelings for her for years dad, this affair has only given me the confidence to act on my feelings. And the fact that she feels the same way also makes things perfect. I am mad at mum and uncle OM no doubt, but at least something good came out of their affair. I love her so much dad, I have never felt like this before. She has been helping me cope really well with everything.

 

Me: I have noticed you've been happier than usual despite everything going on. Well i don't know what to say, i'm certainly not ok with this and we definitely need to talk with everyone about it. Are you at least having safe sex with her?

 

Him: dad c'mon really?

 

Me: yes really, I don't want you making the same mistake I made

 

Him: wait wh-what do you mean?

 

 

After that, I basically had to confess to him that I knocked his mother up because he was starting to be convinced I meant that he was a mistake. As a father I have to say the absolute most nausiating feeling I have ever felt was when my son then said to me "we both like it better without protection but we are safe most of the time". So to any parents out there, what do I say to my son about all this? He is otherwise a brilliant kid whom I have rarely ever had any troubles with in his teenage years so far besides this (he was a bit of a little rascal when he was younger though). I am again powerless, as a father.

 

This whole situation is messed. I honestly don't blame anyone for thinking my life is not real, hell, even I don't believe it! (or at least I don't want to). I had a chuckle at the Ryan Gosling reference, thanks for that SJS, I need to have some humour in my life to ease the depression i'm going through right now. Do you know what the worst part is loveshack? If I was an outsider like yourselves, I would definitely give myself the same advice that you're all giving me. I guess being actually involved in this situation makes a difference as i'm the one who's emotionally invested and has a lot at stake etc. but it says a lot about the kind of weak and powerless person I am. I have failed as a husband and a father, that realization hurts the most it just tears my heart up

 

Thanks for being there for me all of you, you're the only ones besides my therapist that I have been actively talking to about all this. Much appreciated

 

DB

[LifesontheUp]

OMG DB - just catching up.

 

Why oh why on earth have you got her pregnant?

 

Her answer to you about her doing it deliberately just backs up how your wife is and how she will NEVER change. A kid doesn't make a fresh start. Seriously? This is one messed up situation and you are allowing it to continue. Why?

[LifesontheUp]

From what I gathered, they started having the affair when she was pregnant with our first born, 14 years ago.

 

Just wanted to highlight that this wasn't a short affair. She and your brother systematically and calculatedly lied to you for many many years

[stillafool]

You are not alone OP. I've seen it so many times here on LS (except for one man) where the wife cheats with whomever, the husband is adamant about kicking her out and divorcing; but guess what? It never happens. The wife starts giving them sex and all plans to divorce go right out the window. Good luck with your wife and new baby.