wife having affair with brother

[HurtHusband]

Remember the movie Alien? I think the phrase they used in the promotional trailer was 'No one can hear you scream in space'.

 

Don't confront your wife, she ain't worth it..

It will just be a horrible experience.. Instead just move out with your son / or take a vacation and tell everyone what she's done.. She can scream all she wants than and you won't be there to listen to it..the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

 

When I think of my own cheating wife, this is what I would want to do when I go.. No confrontations, blame shifting, excuses, what more do you need to know? Make a few plans, wipe the slate clean and just go..have friends and family in place that will support you.. Do something for you, go fishing with your son.. Meet some nice women! Anything to get this whole horrible drama out of your mind.. What's done is done.

 

 

You really need a break, exercise is great too.. Get some counseling, take your time, and remember it's not you, your better than this and will get past it. Accept that you will be in an emotional roller coaster and will have downer days, so have people who support you around you and accept it might be hard now but it will Definetly get better. From now on It's all about you and your son and YOUR happiness and f%^+ the rest of them

Edited December 9, 2015 by HurtHusband

[WomenWubber]

In this specific scenario, I'd not confront her without divorce papers in hand.

 

Get an attorney, protect your assets, etc. They don't deserve a warning before you nuke their world of lies apart.

[drifter777]

What are you waiting for? Your son is suffering while you do - nothing? Expose her, kick her out (at least try), and start divorce proceedings. Your son needs you to do something to help HIM deal with all of this. Show him that we all pay consequences for our actions in life, even his mom. Find a counselor for him and then find one for you.

 

Your marriage is over - this is the kind of betrayal that never heals. If she won't leave than grab your son and leave yourself. Never look back.

[merrmeade]

I'm so very sorry, db, because I know so well what's happening to you. Absorbing two betrayals is just that, double—double the pain, double the shock, outrage, and horror. Whatever brings resolution for one in your mind may not do so for the other. Just remember they are two relationships, two betrayals when you're dealing with the fallout later because you need double the understanding and work on each. It's not fair, but you will be able to prevail and dig out of it.

 

I was only able to do it in therapy, following my husband's 3-year affair with my sister-in-law (brother's wife). I'd thought of her as a sister and friend, loved and trusted her, but the person I thought I loved never existed.

 

While my husband really wanted to reconcile and has workd at it, my SIL never acknowledged what she did, was angry at me and never fully apologized. Not that I wanted to reconcile with her. What I got from her finally was this message on her special Eaton stationary: "I"m sorry. It was mutual. We were needy."

 

You do NOT have to wait double the time to start healing, however. It is possible to be free of most of it but takes time. I really recommend therapy.

Edited December 9, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Oh, one more thing - just so you know (or I do if I'm wrong), but I think dday refers to the day you confront her. I mean someone did tell me in the beginning it stands for "discovery day" which is what you're using it to mean. But I thought that everybody uses it the same way: the day the truth of the affair is out for the WS and BS.

 

Am I wrong, somebody? (won't be the first time)

[aliveagain]

I honestly think your wife believes she's married to both of you in some sick way. Seriously, file, save your sanity and keep your son's respect. You may want to get a restraining order against your POS older brother keeping him away from your family until the divorce is final for everyone's safety. Do not treat your brother any differently then any other predator, he is a poor excuse for a brother. He's been sh*ting on you all these years. Imagine the conversations they have about you behind your back. Test your children, if any turn out not to be yours he may owe you a lot of child support(I know you will still treat them as yours after all these years).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I remembered this forum from a few years ago when I referred a friend to look at this site after he had been cheated on by his now ex-wife. I never thought in a million years I would be the one coming here for advice but life has dealt me a terrible hand, so here I am. Forgive me if i'm not very clear in my writing as I am extreme shock and an overwhelming amount of pain to write without spelling and grammar mistakes right now. I just found out my wife is having an affair. To make matter worse the other guy is my own brother, the best man at our wedding whom I thought was more than just my brother, I saw him as my best friend aside from my wife. I am feeling a rollercoaster of emotion right now, I feel so much rage at the both of them for the betrayal and I am also feeling sad/depressed because my reality as I knew it is a lie, a absolute sham!

 

Some background info I am 42 my wife is 39 and my brother is 50. Married for 16 years and together 18, she was quite young when we married but she has always been more mature than her age. We have 4 amazing children 3 sons and a daughter. Not sure if this part is really that important but my brother is currently single for 2 years, he has been divorced 4 times yes 4 ex-wives by 50! (well technically 48)

 

Anyway I literally found out by chance. I just saw them together a few hours ago holding hands and kissing at the shopping mall. They didn't see me and my oldest son, but my son and I saw the whole thing in front of us. It was traumatic experience for both my son and myself. He was about to run up to them and give them a piece of his mind but I stopped him. Instead we went for a drive, cried and cried some more, I did most of the crying and my son was become very furious so we came home. I told him to say nothing to anyone or do anything until his mother and I have spoken about everything, he was reluctant to keep that promise but I pleaded with him and he has given me his word to keep silent.

 

Right now I am sitting here unsure of what to do, a part of me wants to go into detective mode to find out more info about this affair. I want to know how long the affair has been going for and basically any other details I can find out for myself to avoid or at least reduce chances of trickle truth from her. The other part of me wants to confront the hell out of her as soon as she gets home! She will know something is definitely up with me but I am really leaning torwards going detective mode and biting the bullet for now until I have the evidence I want to eventally confront her. What do you guys think? She will be here within an hour from her "yoga" class pffft what a load of bull! I honestly don't know how to handle this double betrayal my heart is in a trillion trillion pieces and has dog poo on it thats how horrible I feel.

 

Sorry for getting emotional. Anyway thank you ladies and gentleman in advance for help. My friend a few years ago whom his username I have since forgotten got some great advice from here, things worked out well for him in the end and I would like the same so I appreciate your input thanks.

 

DB

 

 

 

The main priority in all of this, is clearly "S.O.S.", which, in your case, means save our son.

 

And maybe you can gain a whole lot by spending more time alone with your son, and drawing out of him what he wants to do/say in response to all of what he saw.

 

Not because there is any way in hell you're going to take his advice, or let him do as he pleases... but because you want to give HIM an avenue through which to express all of HIS horror/anger OUTWARD here and now, ON THE CHANCE that you might spare his grades, his friendships, and some other elements of HIS life that are likely to suffer at least somewhat from his unease over this.

 

I DON'T really think that line of thinking is textbook, or even bound to make the difference between night and day... BUT it could help in diverting your attention, and in the same way that your son is caused to SLOW HIS ROLL (in response to this), you may be caused to put your most rational foot forward in spite of the horrific mess.

 

The psychological effects of all this are far greater than my instincts or understandings... I'm just offering thoughts on damage control.

[doublebetrayal]

I took a day off from work today and decided to expedite my research into the length of their affair. They have been emailing each other from the same private accounts for all these years, so it fortunately made it easier for me to read everything. The private email address was hard to find I must admit, but since i'm a little tech savvy I managed to find the email eventually, but the password wasn't that hard to guess though, I think that was very sloppy.

 

From what I gathered, they started having the affair when she was pregnant with our first born, 14 years ago. I remember my wifes sex drive was through the roof, and it seems my brother saw that and took advantage of it. They began their affair by crossing a boundary, basically my brother flirted with her about "wanting sex all the time" and she joked about how "I wasn't giving her enough". From there, it all just exploded and within a month of sex talk, they were having a full blown PA then developed into EA leading to my sons birth.

 

Forgive me for all this useless information. I find it theraputic for me to write all this out. My scumbag brother has 5 children from 3 different wives whom get along really well with my children, so it breaks my heart that they will also suffer because of this double betrayal. Someone asked about my brothers marriage(s) during their affair? Well he has 3 children from his first wife, he was with her the longest, if I remember correctly they were together for 12 years after marrying young. Then he had a child with his second wife but they werent together for long, around 3 years I think. He had his last child with his 3rd wife, that one was quite a wild one, they got married because of her pregnancy, which my brother reckons was a form of trapment by her. Oh well that didn't last long and then he got married to his fourth wife, who I really loved like a sister, sadly she passed away soon after their divorce was finalised, that kinda shook my brother up a little.

 

I don't want to bore you with the details of what they used to discuss, but it seems like all of my brothers failed marriages were a result of him being in love with my wife. He was often distant and disconnected to his wives because of the nature of their affair, I don't know how my wife could play me the way she did. At least my brother divorced his wives, why couldn't she just leave me? I guess she is just more selfish and didn't want to lose us as a family, perhaps that's for her to figure out for herself in IC.

 

Anyway, I have the evidence I need. I refused to read any of the emails that could have indicated the paternity of my kids, I don't want to know, they are all mine as far as i'm concerned! My wife will be home soon, I plan to confront her with some specific emails that I printed out. I don't know how I feel about all this! Please wish me luck. I am beyond angry and i'm not sure how I will act.

 

Is it a good idea to confront them both at the same time? I just had a thought of having them both be there when I confront them. Double closure from both at the same time? What do you guys think? Also do you think I should have my son present? I am brainstorming how to properly approach her, your input is much appreciated!

 

Thank you again everyone,

DB.

[BetrayedH]

Leave your son out of it.

 

And let me ask, what purpose will your confrontation serve? I suspect you're hoping for some emotional satisfaction. I'm not sure you'll get it.

 

Why not let a sheriff confront her with divorce papers?

[doublebetrayal]

I also can't believe how easy it was for them to conduct this affar at one stage they were brazen enough to have sex while we were all in the same building! The mind movies of all the **** they could have done while in my presence are the most infuriating! I can picture him fingering her while we're all at the dinner table, I can picture them having a quickie while we're all at the numerous family vacations we've been together. Seriously how can she do this to me? How can she do this to us?

 

I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I am indifferent torwards my brother already. I am ready to cut ties withh him tbh. But my wife on the other hand, we have a different bond. I don't know if i'm ready to give her up, but after each mind movie I feel like it's ammunition for myself to make the hard decision to walk away from her.

 

What of our kids? What of my kids cousins? This is such a mess!

[doublebetrayal]

BetrayedH I just want closure if i'm going to be honst with you. Especially the idea of confronting them both, I feel like I can get an explanation from both and be able to make my decision there and then.

[drifter777]

Fourteen years they were able to keep this from you? Amazing. If what you say is true than you need to get out of the way and let your wife marry your brother. Tell your kids what's happened and then pack a bag and leave.

 

For you to even consider staying with your wife after what your son was forced to witness is shocking. This ain't all about you mate...

Edited December 9, 2015 by drifter777

[Poutrew]

I agree with the others who have been telling you to let the lawyer confront her. You are simply in no shape to remain in emotional control while you ask her why she did this to you. If you start blubbering she will own you... remember this is not your doing. the mess she has wrought in your family is her doing. She needs to be exposed. Like a cockroach to strong light. I hope you have prepared, such as removing your money from any joint savings account - you don't want to wake up tomorrow morning to find out she and your sh*t brother have drained your savings and run off to Ecuador together.

 

 

Just ask yourself if you are strong enough to present a solid, granite exterior to her. If not, don't confront from a position of weakness. Right now, you have the upperhand, but that will be gone when you confront...just be wise.

 

Good luck...

[merrmeade]

The main priority in all of this, is clearly "S.O.S.", which, in your case, means save our son.

 

And maybe you can gain a whole lot by spending more time alone with your son, and drawing out of him what he wants to do/say in response to all of what he saw.

 

Not because there is any way in hell you're going to take his advice, or let him do as he pleases... but because you want to give HIM an avenue through which to express all of HIS horror/anger OUTWARD here and now, ON THE CHANCE that you might spare his grades, his friendships, and some other elements of HIS life that are likely to suffer at least somewhat from his unease over this.

 

I DON'T really think that line of thinking is textbook, or even bound to make the difference between night and day... BUT it could help in diverting your attention, and in the same way that your son is caused to SLOW HIS ROLL (in response to this), you may be caused to put your most rational foot forward in spite of the horrific mess.

 

The psychological effects of all this are far greater than my instincts or understandings... I'm just offering thoughts on damage control.

This ^^^^ absolutely! I hope you can get some help for the two of you soon, but you can and should do this much and help him process. Kids bury, don't let others see their pain. Very dangerous for him in the long-run. What SOG suggests is simple but effective: drawing out of him what he wants to do/say in response to all of what he saw

 

Then, you need a long-term plan that begins with what you will do after you tell her. And the WHOLE thing MUST be organized around what is best for those kids, especially your poor, traumatized son. But as was suggested why not see a lawyer and let her help you form a plan. That will also be a much more effective confrontation.

[aliveagain]

Confront your wife on her own, she is the one your married to, your brother, well there's a special hell for a POS like him. You have children with your wife, the bond you think you have with her seems to be one sided because it hasn't been enough to stop your wife from banging him a couple of times a week for 14 years. How would you explain staying with her to your own children after that kind of betrayal?

 

Save copies of texts, they will help you in a divorce. This is no mistake, 14 years takes a lot of planning. They will be two against you when you confront. I would suggest you expose them to the family, have her move into another home so you can think clearly without her influence. Just make sure it's not your brothers home.

[merrmeade]

... have her move into another home so you can think clearly without her influence. Just make sure it's not your brothers home.

This is why he needs a lawyer and a plan.

[aliveagain]

I am sorry man, 14 years is absolute abuse. Do you know how many times you and your brother both had sex with your wife on the same day, lots. Your oldest son witnessed her infidelity and by coincidence is the only one at this time you are sure is yours. Sounds like there are emails between them questioning the paternity of your children. Doesn't sound like they care if you are the biological father. You need to get some distance between them and you.

[TaraMaiden2]

BetrayedH I just want closure if i'm going to be honst with you. Especially the idea of confronting them both, I feel like I can get an explanation from both and be able to make my decision there and then.

 

I hate to tell you this but that's not the way to get closure.

That's just the very best way of merely saying to them, "Here. Have my shattered broken heart and stomp on it some more, so that it's really obliterated to a pulp."

 

Stop and think a minute.

They've been laughing behind your back all this time, playing you for an absolute fool and dumbass for years.

Your brother has 'multi-familied', with no apparent remorse of brake on his actions.

The paternity of children they've let you feed, fund, clothe and bring up, is questionable.

 

You honestly think they give a damn about your feelings, explanations, honesty, frankness, confessing, confrontation or closure?

 

The hell they do.

They couldn't give a duck's a$$ how you feel, what you think, where this puts you, or what it's done to you.

 

I'll be really honest here, and admit I'm having some difficulty swallowing this tale, but I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt, because 14 years is an awfully long time to be fooled by something of such magnitude.

 

But it all being above board - just file, and throw her out.

 

Sorry, but you have proof, confrontation is pointless, and closure impossible, at this stage.

You'll get closure many, many years down the line.

But definitely not now, and not this way.

[happyman64]

What valid reason could your wife give you for having a 14 LTA with your own brother?

 

They are two very selfish and sick individuals.....

 

You should DNA al your kids for the health and paternity issues.

 

Sure you raised them. Sure you are their father.

 

But you should determine who actually fathered them.

 

I understand you are hurt, crushed.

 

Deal with your wife. Then expose the affair to your family.

 

Then get yourself some space to think about what you want and to heal.

 

Why not let your wife come home to her packed bags. That sends a strong message.

 

HM

[salparadise]

They couldn't give a duck's a$$ how you feel, what you think, where this puts you, or what it's done to you.

 

But it all being above board - just file, and throw her out.

 

Sorry, but you have proof, confrontation is pointless, and closure impossible, at this stage..

 

I agree with Tara's points above. They won't be moved by your pain; they are remorseless, and they've had 14 years to assimilate the future fallout of this contingency. She's not going to be shocked that she got caught––she's going to be thinking, "why did it take your ass 14 years to figure it out."

 

You need a power move at this point, not a bunch of soft-pedaling and blame shifting excuses from you wife and brother. What could she possibly say that would make this better? Nothing. I think it would be fitting if you never speak or look at either one of them again, ever. Let them be the ones lacking closure.

 

I say have her served and kick her ass out of the house at the same time if possible. Have a sheriff serve papers, change the locks and protect the accounts. I have no idea what is doable under the law, but consult a lawyer and stick to what you can do legally. Expose it all to the whole family.

 

Paternity- she doesn't even know which kids are your and which are your brother's. I don't think you'll have closure until you know, but that's really secondary to getting her and her stuff out of your sight. It will be hard, but I think you will eventually need to know. And the children will too.

 

I can't even imagine how painful this must be. Get into counseling asap if you haven't already. You're going to need help sorting through it and rebuilding a life. Take good care of yourself- eat well, exercise and sleep as best you can.

[WomenWubber]

Your wife will make your life a living hell in divorce if you just stay there and do nothing. Sure your wife doesn't need to know (hope she doesn't), but you need to protect yourself ASAP. You've been receiving amazing advice, please follow it.

 

Your wife has been behaving like a remorseless POS during most of your marriage, but when she realizes divorce is on the horizon she will most likely unleash an even uglier side of her you've never seen.

 

I'm sorry about what you are going through, I really am. But just know this is going to get a lot worse in all ways possible.

 

Forget about closure. Be prepared for war.

[road]

I agree with Tara's points above. They won't be moved by your pain; they are remorseless, and they've had 14 years to assimilate the future fallout of this contingency. She's not going to be shocked that she got caught––she's going to be thinking, "why did it take your ass 14 years to figure it out."

 

You need a power move at this point, not a bunch of soft-pedaling and blame shifting excuses from you wife and brother. What could she possibly say that would make this better? Nothing. I think it would be fitting if you never speak or look at either one of them again, ever. Let them be the ones lacking closure.

 

I say have her served and kick her ass out of the house at the same time if possible. Have a sheriff serve papers, change the locks and protect the accounts. I have no idea what is doable under the law, but consult a lawyer and stick to what you can do legally. Expose it all to the whole family.

 

Paternity- she doesn't even know which kids are your and which are your brother's. I don't think you'll have closure until you know, but that's really secondary to getting her and her stuff out of your sight. It will be hard, but I think you will eventually need to know. And the children will too.

 

I can't even imagine how painful this must be. Get into counseling asap if you haven't already. You're going to need help sorting through it and rebuilding a life. Take good care of yourself- eat well, exercise and sleep as best you can.

 

It is time to take strong action. You need to hand her divorce papers when you tell her that she got caught cheating. Then expose this affair far and wide. Send your brother/OM a NC text then block his number.

 

 

Keep your doors locked so if he comes he can not get in. Do not answer the door and call 911 that there is a trespasser at your house. There is nothing that the OM can say to you.

[stillafool]

It takes a special type of person to do what your wife has done to you. To sleep with your brother then come home and have sex with you, just nasty. I don't understand how you can ever even look at her again much less want to keep her. She does not love you plain and simple. I will repeat SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! There is no way she could lay in your own brothers arms, give him oral sex and do God knows what else and come back to you and kiss you with the same mouth she used on him. She's disgusting dude. Even your son knows she is disgusting. If you stay with her you are showing your son you are a chump and this is how he should act if he's ever put in the same position that you are. You have been cuckolded by your brother for 14 years. Please pick up your balls and show this woman you are not the weakling she thinks you are. Yes she thinks your brother is the stronger man.

Edited December 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[Buckeye2]

Being able to look at their email is pure gold. You may not be able to do it but ideally it’s best to confront without revealing that you can do it. This has two advantages:

 

1. After the confrontation you can see their honest communication with each other. Are they ending the affair? Does she love him? Does she love you? Etc. You can confront one of them and then give them a chance to email. The email might include getting their story straight.

 

2. After the confrontation you can test how honest they are being with you. See if they admit to a long term affair or not. You can keep them off balance. They will swear that something is true and you can tell them with confidence that it’s not. Then see what they do.

 

Start off with what you saw and then shut up. See what they say. Don’t spill your guts even if it feels good. It will only help them. Make them think that a PI or friends must have seen more things.

[stillafool]

I see what you're saying Buckeye, but he already knows the truth and the only way to deal with this is file for divorce, throw her in the street, move on with his life.