Last Question: Can you love someone more powerfully after your first serious love

[loverage21]

You're probably right. You better leave this girl alone. And every other woman with a first love.

 

Living a life in solitude might be better. I really don't know what to do. I want to love so bad but at the same time I know it is pointless because think about this...

 

You get in a fight with your serious partner who is not your first love. Why deal with that if you can have fights with your first love. Because with both types of relationships, you are going to have fights anyways. But why not have a fight with your first teen love versus having a fight with a lover you met later? Because the fact that one is your first teen love is sweeter.

 

What I am saying is the fact one of the lovers is your first love is a really sweet and special attribute in itself.

Edited December 17, 2015 by loverage21

[Michelle ma Belle]

You're probably right. You better leave this girl alone. And every other woman with a first love.

 

I second this.

 

You think you have all it figured out and have come to your own conclusions.

 

It appears that love may never be in your future after all.

[GunslingerRoland]

You've talked yourself into the fact that you can't get women because they are all pining for their first love. If that's what you need to do to sleep at night, so be it. But those same women are going to date and marry other men, who are also not their first love.

[loverage21]

I second this.

 

You think you have all it figured out and have come to your own conclusions.

 

It appears that love may never be in your future after all.

 

But think about this too. The main reason why someone is able to love more the second time is because they learn to not think of the first as much and what it could of been (in a good first love relationship anyways). But if you really deep down inside think about it and how you could of started loving that young and eventually ended up with that person till death, with no doubt would it of been the sweetest love story.

[loverage21]

You've talked yourself into the fact that you can't get women because they are all pining for their first love. If that's what you need to do to sleep at night, so be it. But those same women are going to date and marry other men, who are also not their first love.

 

I am not saying that women pine over their first loves. They don't have to. But that does not change the fact it will be the sweetest outcome if first loves got back together and fell back in love.

[Michelle ma Belle]

But think about this too. The main reason why someone is able to love more the second time is because they learn to not think of the first as much and what it could of been (in a good first love relationship anyways). But if you really deep down inside think about it and how you could of started loving that young and eventually ended up with that person till death, with no doubt would it of been the sweetest love story.

 

Where do you get this stuff? Who said this? Where are the stats to back this up? Show me proof that this is indeed the case.

 

YOU are the one making all sorts of assumption my friend. AGAIN, you've created a TON of threads all asking the same damn question and the answers are pretty much unanimous that YOU ARE WRONG about first love for heaven's sake.

 

You don't want to believe us? Fine but you're cutting yourself short.

[GunslingerRoland]

In the rare case where the couple was truly right for one another sure it's a sweet story. I know some couples like that. But I also know a lot of women who would cringe at the thought of going back to their high school sweetheart, and it would not make a sweet story at all.

 

 

My Aunt died of cancer decades ago. Her husband remarried, and his second wife also died. I saw him and met his third wife recently. They are both in their late 70's and they made of the sweetest couples I've ever seen. Seeing them together I really don't see them as being any less sweet than high school sweethearts.

[loverage21]

In the rare case where the couple was truly right for one another sure it's a sweet story. I know some couples like that. But I also know a lot of women who would cringe at the thought of going back to their high school sweetheart, and it would not make a sweet story at all.

 

 

My Aunt died of cancer decades ago. Her husband remarried, and his second wife also died. I saw him and met his third wife recently. They are both in their late 70's and they made of the sweetest couples I've ever seen. Seeing them together I really don't see them as being any less sweet than high school sweethearts.

 

But in Alexa's case, the reason why HE broke up with her is all because of a misunderstanding. They were together for two SOLID years. She can recall exactly how long. She said two years and two months.

 

It was a misunderstanding. It was because she was accused of sending nudes to another guy. Which that was not the case. But he broke up with her because of that after TWO YEARS strong. But she knows deep down inside she did not do that at least is what she is telling me.

 

If that interruption of their relationship did not happen. Who is to say they could not have really hit it off and stayed together and eventually got married?

 

But because of that misunderstanding, their relationship was ended.

 

Alexa is a great girl and everything I want in a woman. But there is a chance she can rekindle that love later in life and create the sweetest love scenerio .

 

I wish I can go back in time and be Alexa's first love . I really do.

 

Even Dr. Nancy Kalish stated there is a chance she can rekindle that love. It was broken up because of a misunderstanding.

 

If that misunderstanding didn't happen who knows they could of stayed together and eventually gotten married .

 

There is a very high chance they can rekindle

 

I would do anything to go back in time and be her first love I would trade anything to do that.

[StBreton]

I am not saying that women pine over their first loves. They don't have to. But that does not change the fact it will be the sweetest outcome if first loves got back together and fell back in love.

 

 

My first love (a high school sweetheart and we dated 2 years) ... I was young, naive, and a bit dumb really ...I was just a teenager and just wanted to have fun with the cutest guy ... I still have contact with this guy's family after all these years...I'm sure my old bf/first love is a nice guy now...but in NO way would I consider getting back together with him as "the sweetest outcome" ... in fact getting back together with a few other "loves" in my life would be a lot sweeter...one in particular...and I was the one who broke it off all of the times for various reasons (these were all pre-marriage relationships).

 

OP ...you do have an obsession/fascination with this whole "first love/virginity" element of relationships.

 

You've mentioned having aspberger's syndrome (AS). Have you been diagnosed with having OCD or any general obsessive disorder? You could have symptoms which are phenotypic manifestations of your AS or your obsessive thinking could be a distinct co-morbid disorder. Have you discussed any of your relationship dynamics or thinking with a therapist? Perhaps doing so could help you to resolve some issues and you could go on to have a happy and healthy relationship.

[loverage21]

My first love (a high school sweetheart and we dated 2 years) ... I was young, naive, and a bit dumb really ...I was just a teenager and just wanted to have fun with the cutest guy ... I still have contact with this guy's family after all these years...I'm sure my old bf/first love is a nice guy now...but in NO way would I consider getting back together with him as "the sweetest outcome" ... in fact getting back together with a few other "loves" in my life would be a lot sweeter...one in particular...and I was the one who broke it off all of the times for various reasons (these were all pre-marriage relationships).

 

OP ...you do have an obsession/fascination with this whole "first love/virginity" element of relationships.

 

You've mentioned having aspberger's syndrome (AS). Have you been diagnosed with having OCD or any general obsessive disorder? You could have symptoms which are phenotypic manifestations of your AS or your obsessive thinking could be a distinct co-morbid disorder. Have you discussed any of your relationship dynamics or thinking with a therapist? Perhaps doing so could help you to resolve some issues and you could go on to have a happy and healthy relationship.

 

I'm so drunk I'm so drunk right now I need need so much help I need it. So sos so sos sio soo sooo bad. ....

 

 

I wish I could big been her firdt.

 

I really do. O really do.

 

Because that is the sweetest thing ever.

 

I want to go back I time so sok sok soo bad

 

 

If I coulf I would so mcuh.

 

 

To be her very first love and her only love.

 

I sih I could of been that so so sookoo much I could..

 

 

 

Please please please give me a solution.please do I want to go back in time so so so so much bit I can't

 

I can't and I want to be her first love so bad

 

I do

 

I wish I was not so quiet and isolated as a teenager

 

 

Please help me

 

Help me figure out a way to go back in time

 

I want to be her first love so sos oso sos so so so so bad

Please.

[loverage21]

I'm so drunk I'm so drunk right now I need need so much help I need it. So sos so sos sio soo sooo bad. ....

 

 

I wish I could big been her firdt.

 

I really do. O really do.

 

Because that is the sweetest thing ever.

 

I want to go back I time so sok sok soo bad

 

 

If I coulf I would so mcuh.

 

 

To be her very first love and her only love.

 

I sih I could of been that so so sookoo much I could..

 

 

 

Please please please give me a solution.please do I want to go back in time so so so so much bit I can't

 

I can't and I want to be her first love so bad

 

I do

 

I wish I was not so quiet and isolated as a teenager

 

 

Please help me

 

Help me figure out a way to go back in time

 

I want to be her first love so sos oso sos so so so so bad

Please.

 

Please help

 

 

I want to be her first love

 

 

Look up Nancy Kalish and her research

[basil67]

Please help

 

 

I want to be her first love

 

 

Look up Nancy Kalish and her research

 

F*** Nancy Kalish and her research.

 

One day you're going to look back on your life and be full of regret at how you let a ridiculous obsession ruin your dating life.

[gaius]

I think I've been in love in various degrees maybe 3 times before my girlfriend, and I can honestly say nothing compares to the feelings I have for her now.

 

Back in the day I used to have these dreams occasionally where I'd be driving a car with a woman with me, and it would give me the most at peace and happy feeling, almost nirvana like, to the point I slept 16 hours once or twice because I just couldn't let myself wake up and lose that feeling. And when I'm in the car with her I have that feeling. For the first time in my life, when I'm awake.

 

I kinda forgot about both my first love and first crush a long time ago. =/

[mrldii]

...They were together for two SOLID years...

 

 

You are correct. Alexa will never get over this. Her first love lasted two years AND two months. That's, like, 13 generations of fleas!!!

 

There is nothing you can do; Alexa will forevermore pine for her first love...and you will forevermore pine for Alexa, your first love.

 

Great and grand love stories are written about this kind of stuff. You should write a book about it, so something good can come of it all. Take it to Bloomsbury Publishing; they're in the market for a good, contemporary romance. Quit your job to focus on your writing.

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Qboro90]

You need to see a therapist more than anything. This is extremely concerning and alarming behavior. I understand that this forum is anonymous but if the moderator has any ability to alert or contact Loverage21 or his family or a self harm group that can try and intervene with this guy then please do so immediately.

 

Comes to a point where there are too many red flags and warning signs so rather than just not replying and hoping for the best I think it's a moral responsibility something's done to offer or find this man professional help

 

He's vocalized harming himself, harming others , and the obsession with this absurd question is not only detrimental to his health, but it's psychologically crippling him

[loverage21]

You need to see a therapist more than anything. This is extremely concerning and alarming behavior. I understand that this forum is anonymous but if the moderator has any ability to alert or contact Loverage21 or his family or a self harm group that can try and intervene with this guy then please do so immediately.

 

Comes to a point where there are too many red flags and warning signs so rather than just not replying and hoping for the best I think it's a moral responsibility something's done to offer or find this man professional help

 

He's vocalized harming himself, harming others , and the obsession with this absurd question is not only detrimental to his health, but it's psychologically crippling him

 

I never expressed a risk of harming others. But what I can say is that I am in a complete state of absolute crisis. I am shutting down and can barely function.

 

I wish I was a girls first so if at least later if we did rekindle it would of created the best love story. To be able to tell my kids one day me and my first love (which doesn't exist) got back together later in life.

 

That is the pinnacle of sweetness. From innocence to old age.

 

And I couldn't of been that for Alexa or any other girl. Because I missed that opportunity. And I am reaping that.

 

I don't want to kill myself but I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel like I have no incentive to continue. I am being eaten alive by this.

[GunslingerRoland]

At least answer me this. Do you at least realize that this is a totally irrational obsession. If you at least realize it's irrational but feel it, you can start working towards getting over it, but if you don't admit to yourself that it's not a normal obsession, then you can't begin to work past it.

 

Do 300 people on here telling you that it's not a normal train of thought for anyone, sink into your head at all? Or do you just want to be a broken record telling us that we are all wrong, and you are right?

 

I mean we are all a little bit crazy, ut you need to at least admit that you are crazy.

[StBreton]

Loverage ... I just want you to know there are girls on this forum who have not been "in love" before...so there are girls your age who've not had a first love. Who's to say you won't become acquainted with a girl who hasn't loved before. All is not lost. Maybe you could still meet someone and have a mutual "first love" experience...all is not lost. And...who's to say if you had been dating Alexa and had a "first love" experience with her that she wouldn't have texted intimate pictures of herself to another guy. What happened to her and the guy she dated was most likely more than a "misunderstanding" as there must have been proof of the pics sent or the breakup wouldn't have happened. Maybe Alexa learned from this experience and is ready to love someone without sabotaging the relationship.

 

Also, I read Dr. Kalish's research and while she said it is sweet to meet up with a first love, she had to search a long time for a sample size that was worthy of research for those that actually "rekindled". First loves are not often rekindled...for a reason. I understand it is difficult for you to understand this ... first loves are often times the training ground for "how to love". These relationships aren't meant to last as they are not based on individuals who have figured out what it is they want out of life and love.

 

Is there an adult you trust with whom you can have a conversation about this topic? A parent? A therapist? Please find someone with whom you can speak...so you do not harm yourself. Asperger's has a high co-morbidity for anxiety and depression...both are treatable. Maybe call a suicide hotline. Your life is valuable and this is a situation that can be resolved with you feeling like the world is an ok place with which to be a part. I am a mom to 2 pre-teen/teenage boys Loverage...if I could reach through this screen and hug you, I would...and very tightly. Hugs.

[loverage21]

Loverage ... I just want you to know there are girls on this forum who have not been "in love" before...so there are girls your age who've not had a first love. Who's to say you won't become acquainted with a girl who hasn't loved before. All is not lost. Maybe you could still meet someone and have a mutual "first love" experience...all is not lost. And...who's to say if you had been dating Alexa and had a "first love" experience with her that she wouldn't have texted intimate pictures of herself to another guy. What happened to her and the guy she dated was most likely more than a "misunderstanding" as there must have been proof of the pics sent or the breakup wouldn't have happened. Maybe Alexa learned from this experience and is ready to love someone without sabotaging the relationship.

 

Also, I read Dr. Kalish's research and while she said it is sweet to meet up with a first love, she had to search a long time for a sample size that was worthy of research for those that actually "rekindled". First loves are not often rekindled...for a reason. I understand it is difficult for you to understand this ... first loves are often times the training ground for "how to love". These relationships aren't meant to last as they are not based on individuals who have figured out what it is they want out of life and love.

 

Is there an adult you trust with whom you can have a conversation about this topic? A parent? A therapist? Please find someone with whom you can speak...so you do not harm yourself. Asperger's has a high co-morbidity for anxiety and depression...both are treatable. Maybe call a suicide hotline. Your life is valuable and this is a situation that can be resolved with you feeling like the world is an ok place with which to be a part. I am a mom to 2 pre-teen/teenage boys Loverage...if I could reach through this screen and hug you, I would...and very tightly. Hugs.

 

People change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. Just because someone is not considering a reconnection with an old flame from their adolescent years does not mean if they happened to run into each other there isn't an automatic reconnect.

 

Some of the "cutest" and rush-to-the-heart emotional love stories are about first loves who reunite later and fall in love again. That is the epitome, the pinnacle of sweetness.

 

Just because she has no interest now does not mean there won't be feelings for her high school sweetheart later.

 

Yes, I do believe you can fall in love again with someone else and even harder. But who is to say the first love can't come back later with full swing and knock all the others out of the water?

 

Knowing in general that reunited first love stories are the most sweetest and emotionally significant stories in general, how do you know that this sweetness factor won't play a role later on?

 

Alexa's situation is interesting. She was with him long term for TWO years. If this mishap didn't occur, who's to say they wouldnt be engaged or even married by now?

 

It was long term from the start. Who's to say it couldn't continue that way?

[todreaminblue]

i believe you can.....love grows and changes over a long term relationship it really is up to the people involved whether that love grows in strength..you work at it....to make anything stronger and more supple.....a fluid love that is strong ....grows and changes with time with effort made from two people who have love and care for each other.......love adapts....i believe that is the type of love that survives....and if you are talking about strength of a first love......if it ended it wasnt strong enough........deb

[ShatteredLady]

I haven't really been on this forum much so I've never heard your story before.

 

So...this woman is your first love. If you split-up would ANY woman EVER want to date you because they're not your first? Believe me, if a woman loves you she loves you & would realize that your Exs are Exs for a reason.

 

My 'first love' was Mark. We were 8. It was the in-thing to have boyfriends/girlfriends & we were exactly the same height (great foundation for lasting love!). He gave me his favorite cats eye marble & my friend Alison told me it meant I had to marry him & have his babies. I wasn't ready for that commitment so I gave him his marble back & we split up ;-(

 

I wouldn't recognize him if we passed in the street. I can't picture him.

 

I had other relationships. First experiences. Some of those boys might call me their first love. I don't know. Don't really care.

 

From 15-20 I dated the same guy. He was my first love....the first man I really loved. Will he always have a special little warm place in my heart? Honestly yes!! We spent our formative years together. He nurtured me & has influence over the person I am today.

 

I'm married. We've been together for 26 years. Married 20 next year. We have beautiful little children. We have so much love, life & experience. It's a completely different thing.

 

I'm a hapless romantic. I get your crazy. It's very sweet but I'm not your girlfriend! How do you know she won't be writing on some forum in 26 years talking about YOU as her first REAL love?

 

My first love....guess why I split-up with him??!?! He was so depressive!! Obsessed with the idea that I was going to leave him!! If he'd shown me faith & trust maybe we would of been one of those cute first love forever love stories :love:

 

 

....by the way I know a couple in their 40's with 3 kids who met at 14. It's not all rainbows & unicorns. It's been a bloody hard road for them.

[loverage21]

I haven't really been on this forum much so I've never heard your story before.

 

So...this woman is your first love. If you split-up would ANY woman EVER want to date you because they're not your first? Believe me, if a woman loves you she loves you & would realize that your Exs are Exs for a reason.

 

My 'first love' was Mark. We were 8. It was the in-thing to have boyfriends/girlfriends & we were exactly the same height (great foundation for lasting love!). He gave me his favorite cats eye marble & my friend Alison told me it meant I had to marry him & have his babies. I wasn't ready for that commitment so I gave him his marble back & we split up ;-(

 

I wouldn't recognize him if we passed in the street. I can't picture him.

 

I had other relationships. First experiences. Some of those boys might call me their first love. I don't know. Don't really care.

 

From 15-20 I dated the same guy. He was my first love....the first man I really loved. Will he always have a special little warm place in my heart? Honestly yes!! We spent our formative years together. He nurtured me & has influence over the person I am today.

 

I'm married. We've been together for 26 years. Married 20 next year. We have beautiful little children. We have so much love, life & experience. It's a completely different thing.

 

I'm a hapless romantic. I get your crazy. It's very sweet but I'm not your girlfriend! How do you know she won't be writing on some forum in 26 years talking about YOU as her first REAL love?

 

My first love....guess why I split-up with him??!?! He was so depressive!! Obsessed with the idea that I was going to leave him!! If he'd shown me faith & trust maybe we would of been one of those cute first love forever love stories :love:

 

 

....by the way I know a couple in their 40's with 3 kids who met at 14. It's not all rainbows & unicorns. It's been a bloody hard road for them.

 

So you have been with the same guy you met in your teens up until now? Go figure.

 

And you probably deep down inside always wish things could of been better and wish you could of fulfilled your first love until death fantasy despite the fact you are married to a different guy.

 

Another reason to wish I was dead. I want to go into sudden cardiac arrest and drop dead right here right now

[Divasu]

Yes.

[LydiaLong]

Loverage, you should watch the British series "Last Tango in Halifax." It's right up your alley.

[MissBee]

You said you have "better" loves. But how do you know if your first love came back around that he would be the best?

 

How do you know that he hasn't changed for the better and you two live a happy life together. In that case, he would be your first and your most current or even the last too.

They say being the last is better than being the first.

 

But being the first AND the last is better

 

There is a certain naive and youthful vibe about teen love that cannot be replicated no matter what.

 

I never loved as a teenager. I missed that boat a long time ago and I may never want to love.

 

Because it hasn't happened...and I'm continuing to live my life. Why would I sit around worrying about that hypothetical is the question? Maybe this, maybe that, why spend your life thinking about what could MAYBE happen with an old love? That's the point you're missing. When you move on from your first love and have other better relationships you don't sit around thinking about if your ex from years ago will come back and has changed. This is only if you're pathologically still stuck years later. But for most people, you naturally stop thinking or wishing anything like that. If for some reason they come back into your life then you'd take it from there, but I'm saying, most people move on, that is, they aren't wondering about their old love and if they will come back and be better or not.

 

Who is the they that say it? So far, you're honestly the ONLY person I've heard saying that. Also, if you never loved as a teenager how do you possibly know what it feels like or is??? You don't. You just have made up fantasies about what you think it is. I never loved as a teenager either. My first love was after I was 18, well I guess I was a "teen" but young adult rather than young teen, and many others don't either. But this fantasy that

"teen love" is some kind of magical irreplaceable thing is a bit silly IMO. I think you're only obsessed with it because you never had it...whereas people who did have it don't actually idealize it the way you do. While there are a few folks who do marry their first love and so on, the vast majority of folks, esp in this day and age where the world is much more connected and people increasingly live away from home, move, travel and don't just live and die in the same town, most people get over their first loves and may even not remember them (as someone mentioned in the thread) or can't imagine what they liked about them at the time.