Last Question: Can you love someone more powerfully after your first serious love

[loverage21]

Because it hasn't happened...and I'm continuing to live my life. Why would I sit around worrying about that hypothetical is the question? Maybe this, maybe that, why spend your life thinking about what could MAYBE happen with an old love? That's the point you're missing. When you move on from your first love and have other better relationships you don't sit around thinking about if your ex from years ago will come back and has changed. This is only if you're pathologically still stuck years later. But for most people, you naturally stop thinking or wishing anything like that. If for some reason they come back into your life then you'd take it from there, but I'm saying, most people move on, that is, they aren't wondering about their old love and if they will come back and be better or not.

 

Who is the they that say it? So far, you're honestly the ONLY person I've heard saying that. Also, if you never loved as a teenager how do you possibly know what it feels like or is??? You don't. You just have made up fantasies about what you think it is. I never loved as a teenager either. My first love was after I was 18, well I guess I was a "teen" but young adult rather than young teen, and many others don't either. But this fantasy that

"teen love" is some kind of magical irreplaceable thing is a bit silly IMO. I think you're only obsessed with it because you never had it...whereas people who did have it don't actually idealize it the way you do. While there are a few folks who do marry their first love and so on, the vast majority of folks, esp in this day and age where the world is much more connected and people increasingly live away from home, move, travel and don't just live and die in the same town, most people get over their first loves and may even not remember them (as someone mentioned in the thread) or can't imagine what they liked about them at the time.

 

But in the event a woman gets back with her teen love later in life and everything works out, isn't that the sweetest and top-most outcome to happen?

 

The only reason the most top-most outcome hasn't happened is because it left out in the open, under uncertainty. That is the only thing holding back.

[MissBee]

But deep, deep, deep down I side in general if you think about a scenerio with a guy and a girl who were madly in love in their teens and broke up due to a misunderstanding. Later I'm life they run into each other and have a talk and find out it was a misunderstanding. They fall in love with each other again and love the rest of their days together. You don't think that is the sweetest thing? The pinnacle of sweetness?

 

 

In a word: NO.

 

It's okay if YOU are obsessed with this as the pinnacle of sweetness, but clearly not everyone is. LOTS of things are sweet and different people find different things sweet. Rekindling of teenage love doesn't get my juices flowing and isn't the "pinnacle of sweetness" for me, and neither is it for many others. Why do you need others to agree that it is the sweetest thing in the entire galaxy? If for YOU it is...fine...but not everyone wants that.

 

 

Your case is the quintessential of missing out on life by chasing some made up ideal hypothetical "ultimate" as the ONLY thing that is the "sweetest" and "best" instead of opening your eyes to the fact that OTHER things can also be the "pinnacle" of sweet, it's just a matter of perspective, not any provable fact. You can either choose to change perspective or keep thinking that this is the greatest thing of all time and wallow in worrying if this will happen or not.

[MissBee]

But in the event a woman gets back with her teen love later in life and everything works out, isn't that the sweetest and top-most outcome to happen?

 

The only reason the most top-most outcome hasn't happened is because it left out in the open, under uncertainty. That is the only thing holding back.

 

I said no already.

 

Others have said no too.

 

But even if it were the sweetest, so what? I don't get why that matters.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but after reading it, I think you should probably seek face to face professional help to help you get over this compulsion and obsession. I don't think any of us can assist you. If you cannot function are shutting down and are on here drunk making 873463 threads about this, it is a serious matter. For your sanity, seek help right away.

[loverage21]

I said no already.

 

Others have said no too.

 

But even if it were the sweetest, so what? I don't get why that matters.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but after reading it, I think you should probably seek face to face professional help to help you get over this compulsion and obsession. I don't think any of us can assist you. If you cannot function are shutting down and are on here drunk making 873463 threads about this, it is a serious matter. For your sanity, seek help right away.

 

You said this:

 

But even if it were the sweetest, so what? I don't get why that matters.[/Quote]

 

Why does it matter you ask?

 

Because love is a feeling. A feeling brought about by dopamine and oxytocin.

 

When you are having the "aww that is so sweet feeling" you are stimulating those receptors.

 

Since that situation is the sweetest, you getting the most emotional response from that.

 

I mean, think about these two scenarios real DEEPLY:

 

What generates the most positive emotional response?

 

Talking about IN GENERAL without linking it to actual people:

 

Loving someone now that you loved as a TEENAGER?

 

Or loving someone now that you met as an ADULT?

 

The "oh wait, I shouldn't be thinking this way" response is not a positive emotional response.

Edited December 20, 2015 by loverage21

[Gloria25]

Ok, I'm confused here...

 

Which is it?

 

Are you afraid that Alexa is going to get back with her "first"/"high school" love OR do you want Alexa cuz she was your "first"/"high school" love?

 

Cuz you speak so enthusiastically about wanting to get back with a high school "love" and how commercials bring tears to your eyes - so why would Alexa dumping you for her "first"/"high school" love make you so enthusiastic and tearful about "first"/"high school" love?

[loverage21]

Ok, I'm confused here...

 

Which is it?

 

Are you afraid that Alexa is going to get back with her "first"/"high school" love OR do you want Alexa cuz she was your "first"/"high school" love?

 

Cuz you speak so enthusiastically about wanting to get back with a high school "love" and how commercials bring tears to your eyes - so why would Alexa dumping you for her "first"/"high school" love make you so enthusiastic and tearful about "first"/"high school" love?

 

I never had a high school love or sweetheart or anything like that. She, however, has and dated him for two years.

 

You dont necessarily have to "be with" someone to have more fond feelings towards them or fond feelings towards alternative outcomes.

[Gloria25]

I never had a high school love or sweetheart or anything like that. She, however, has and dated him for two years.

 

You dont necessarily have to "be with" someone to have more fond feelings towards them or fond feelings towards alternative outcomes.

 

I don't get it...

 

Why would you be fond of high school "loves" reuniting if it meant Alexa dumping you for her "first"/high school guy?

 

I still don't get it:confused:

[loverage21]

I don't get it...

 

Why would you be fond of high school "loves" reuniting if it meant Alexa dumping you for her "first"/high school guy?

 

I still don't get it:confused:

 

Exactly! The main reason it would hold someone back is the negative emotional responses. Like

"I couldn't do that to him"

"He was so sweet I couldn't dump him"

"I should be happy with what I have"

"This might be a bad idea"

 

Those are examples of negative emotional responses.

 

In other words, the consequences or regrets of it hold you back

 

That does not mean the outcome or thoughts of returning to the old flame does not provide greater positive emotional response. It is just the consequences/negative emotional responses outweigh and burden someone from going back to the high school sweetheart.

 

Negative emotional responses arent feelings of love. Those are just moral/ethical/self consciense responses.

 

The positive, giddiness, or feelings that give you the positive reactions are your dopamine responses (aka "LOVE")

Edited December 20, 2015 by loverage21

[MissBee]

You said this:

 

 

 

Why does it matter you ask?

 

Because love is a feeling. A feeling brought about by dopamine and oxytocin.

 

When you are having the "aww that is so sweet feeling" you are stimulating those receptors.

 

Since that situation is the sweetest, you getting the most emotional response from that.

 

I mean, think about these two scenarios real DEEPLY:

 

What generates the most positive emotional response?

 

Talking about IN GENERAL without linking it to actual people:

 

Loving someone now that you loved as a TEENAGER?

 

Or loving someone now that you met as an ADULT?

 

The "oh wait, I shouldn't be thinking this way" response is not a positive emotional response.

 

 

The problem is, you're projecting YOUR feelings on it and still imagining that this is how everyone feels and that this feeling is correct and any other feeling is because you have said "I shouldn't be thinking of it this way." But this is absolutely not the case for me. I am not forcing myself to not think of it as sweet, when I think about it, I don't think about it as the sweetest thing I could possibly think about.

 

I am confused as to why you believe this is something that is objectively the pinnacle of sweet when it's purely a matter of your personal feelings.

 

Even romance movies don't play on this trope that much. They have lovers reuniting sure, even sometimes teenage ones, but the MAJORITY of romantic films are NOT about teen lovers reuniting. If it was such a huge, universal, pinnacle of sweet then more films would do this no? Yet, the lovers reuniting are often lovers who met as adults but then got separated for some reason.

 

When I fantasize about romantic scenarios I think are sweet, even stuff that is just pure fantasy that I know isn't real life, I NEVER think about reuniting with a teenage love (I didn't even have one). There are SO MANY OTHER scenarios is the point and you CANNOT prove with any empirical evidence that reuniting with a teenage love is the pinnacle of sweet or some natural human inclination to think this is the sweetest....it isn't...it is YOUR fantasy and obsession only. Like I said, I have not met another soul who has the ideas you have and even in your 50 threads, almost no one else feels as you do, so this is clearly not a cultural, psychological or biological norm in all humans to think this is the most emotional thing.

[Gloria25]

Exactly! The main reason it would hold someone back is the negative emotional responses. Like

"I couldn't do that to him"

"He was so sweet I couldn't dump him"

"I should be happy with what I have"

"This might be a bad idea"

 

Those are examples of negative emotional responses.

 

In other words, the consequences or regrets of it hold you back

 

That does not mean the outcome or thoughts of returning to the old flame does not provide greater positive emotional response. It is just the consequences/negative emotional responses outweigh and burden someone from going back to the high school sweetheart.

 

Negative emotional responses arent feelings of love. Those are just moral/ethical/self consciense responses.

 

The positive, giddiness, or feelings that give you the positive reactions are your dopamine responses (aka "LOVE")

 

Ok, no wonder why you're losing your mind...what you just posted now ^^ has my head spinning...

[loverage21]

Ok, no wonder why you're losing your mind...what you just posted now ^^ has my head spinning...

 

I don't have any better way to explain it. I think the idea of loving someone from a time of innocence to old age is a favorite and most optimal outcome for the vast majority of people. It is not a coincidence there are plenty of songs, movies, and stories about it. Something about young love is purifying to the heart.

 

I mean you saw that commercial I posted. Deep, deep, deep down inside two lovers from teens who reuinite and fall in love later in life creates the most positive emotional reaction. Just that scenario in general.

[Gloria25]

I don't have any better way to explain it. I think the idea of loving someone from a time of innocence to old age is a favorite and most optimal outcome for the vast majority of people. It is not a coincidence there are plenty of songs, movies, and stories about it. Something about young love is purifying to the heart.

 

I mean you saw that commercial I posted. Deep, deep, deep down inside two lovers from teens who reuinite and fall in love later in life creates the most positive emotional reaction. Just that scenario in general.

 

And, "emotions"/"feelings" have no I.Q.

 

So, you're going to adapt as a reality that someone you met in high school that you may meet later in life is the only way you're gonna have a long lasting relationship because it looks so "cute" on a commercial and/or in your fantasies?

 

People here have posted about their REAL LIFE experiences when it comes to their firsts. I even posted an article support your theory (yet you were quick to find parts of the article that contradict your theory) - so you obviously have PROOF that obsessing over a high school person and reuniting them cuz it evokes emotions is ridiculous to say the least.

 

Look, we all know you wanna get back with Alexa cuz you dated her at some point in high school and think that for some reason something magical will happen when you do reunite with her. You're ambivalent about doing it cuz part of you knows that your theory is ridiculous. So, instead of making a decision to get back with Alexa or not, you keep on posting and posting about it to the point where simply making a decision and sticking with the consequences is messing with your ability to eat/sleep/work.

 

Go back to Alexa, we're all rooting for you you.

 

Have a great one!!!

Edited December 20, 2015 by Gloria25

[loverage21]

And, "emotions"/"feelings" have no I.Q.

 

So, you're going to adapt as a reality that someone you met in high school that you may meet later in life is the only way you're gonna have a long lasting relationship because it looks so "cute" on a commercial and/or in your fantasies?

 

People here have posted about their REAL LIFE experiences when it comes to their firsts. I even posted an article support your theory (yet you were quick to find parts of the article that contradict your theory) - so you obviously have PROOF that obsessing over a high school person and reuniting them cuz it evokes emotions is ridiculous to say the least.

 

Look, we all know you wanna get back with Alexa cuz you dated her at some point in high school and think that for some reason something magical will happen when you do reunite with her. You're ambivalent about doing it cuz part of you knows that your theory is ridiculous. So, instead of making a decision to get back with Alexa or not, you keep on posting and posting about it to the point where simply making a decision and sticking with the consequences is messing with your ability to eat/sleep/work.

 

Go back to Alexa, we're all rooting for you you.

 

Have a great one!!!

 

 

I started dating her in college

[MidwestUSA]

I started dating her in college

 

What happened?

[loverage21]

What happened?

 

What happened?

 

I found out she had a serious boyfriend while she was in high school that lasted over two years and I couldn't bear it and we just broke it off.

[Gloria25]

What happened?

 

I found out she had a serious boyfriend while she was in high school that lasted over two years and I couldn't bear it and we just broke it off.

 

News flash...

 

You'd be hard pressed to find a person without "baggage". Everyone has an "ex" in their life.

 

Tell me, what if you met a woman who at some point in her life was going to get married and her bf broke off the engagement/marriage? Would you sit around in fear that one day he'll be back and she'll leave you? Cuz, come on, a couple on the road to the altar and it got cancelled? That's serious stuff and that ex-bf would have significant amount of power (stronger than some guy she dated in high school) to take her away from you.

 

So, hate to disappoint you, but all relationships end. Some people get married and after 20 years divorce. If you decide to get back with Alexa and/or any woman, fact is at some point it's gonna end - regardless if it's an ex they dated in high school, Donald Trump, etc.

 

But really, following your posts, this is not about Alexa's ex - it's you that's the ex and think something magical is going to happen when you get back with Alexa. But, you don't wanna leave your current RL and you're conflicted on leaving your current SO for Alexa on "hop, skip, prayer" that cuz you knew Alexa as a teen all's good.

 

Look, make a decision. Go to Alexa and risk leaving your current SO and it may/may not work out. Stay with your SO and accept your SO for what she is/was.

 

Geesh, it's not that hard...

 

But IMO, both your current SO and Alexa are bad bets. But hey, do what you gotta do.

[basil67]

What happened?

 

I found out she had a serious boyfriend while she was in high school that lasted over two years and I couldn't bear it and we just broke it off.

 

This has to be the saddest, most self sabotaging post I've read .ever.

 

You could have such a better life if you lived in reality

[loverage21]

News flash...

 

You'd be hard pressed to find a person without "baggage". Everyone has an "ex" in their life.

 

Tell me, what if you met a woman who at some point in her life was going to get married and her bf broke off the engagement/marriage? Would you sit around in fear that one day he'll be back and she'll leave you? Cuz, come on, a couple on the road to the altar and it got cancelled? That's serious stuff and that ex-bf would have significant amount of power (stronger than some guy she dated in high school) to take her away from you.

 

So, hate to disappoint you, but all relationships end. Some people get married and after 20 years divorce. If you decide to get back with Alexa and/or any woman, fact is at some point it's gonna end - regardless if it's an ex they dated in high school, Donald Trump, etc.

 

But really, following your posts, this is not about Alexa's ex - it's you that's the ex and think something magical is going to happen when you get back with Alexa. But, you don't wanna leave your current RL and you're conflicted on leaving your current SO for Alexa on "hop, skip, prayer" that cuz you knew Alexa as a teen all's good.

 

Look, make a decision. Go to Alexa and risk leaving your current SO and it may/may not work out. Stay with your SO and accept your SO for what she is/was.

 

Geesh, it's not that hard...

 

But IMO, both your current SO and Alexa are bad bets. But hey, do what you gotta do.

 

 

Listen. YOU ARE CONFUSED. I am not dating anyone right now. I was dating Alexa recently (well we went on a few dates). Me and Alexa were never serious, although I had a lot of interest in her and there was potential for love to come about. But it drew a wedge between us because I found out she had a serious high school boyfriend that lasted over two years and they broke up due to a misunderstanding of her sending nudes to some guy way back then.

[Gloria25]

Listen. YOU ARE CONFUSED. I am not dating anyone right now. I was dating Alexa recently (well we went on a few dates). Me and Alexa were never serious, although I had a lot of interest in her and there was potential for love to come about. But it drew a wedge between us because I found out she had a serious high school boyfriend that lasted over two years and they broke up due to a misunderstanding of her sending nudes to some guy way back then.

 

Ok, then why are you so emotionally invested in Alexa when it is clear that the "high school", "LOVE" of her life didn't mean enough to her - to the point she was sending NUDES to some other guy while she was with this "high school" guy?

 

AND, you've only been on a few dates with her - in other words, you don't know a thing about her - even if she's worth dating.

 

So again, your theory of "first"/"high school" loves is proven wrong even by Alexa...Alexa didn't see this guy as "special" in any form cuz hello, she was sending NUDES to some other guy while she was with him.

 

So, why would you be so obsessed about some chick who was sending NUDES to other men while dating one guy? Really? Really? And how is her sending NUDES to other guys a "misunderstanding"?

 

Boy, gotta hand it to Alexa, she sure knows how to spin some manipulative stories. Lemme guess, she has a pretty face?

Edited December 20, 2015 by Gloria25

[katiegrl]

Listen. YOU ARE CONFUSED. I am not dating anyone right now. I was dating Alexa recently (well we went on a few dates). Me and Alexa were never serious, although I had a lot of interest in her and there was potential for love to come about.

 

 

**But it drew a wedge between us because I found out she had a serious high school boyfriend that lasted over two years and they broke up due to a misunderstanding of her sending nudes to some guy way back then**.

 

IMO, this is a simple case if you being way WAY too sensitive, too emotionally reactive, unable to handle uncertainty, anxiety, or any feelings that cause you discomfort.

 

So you just run. Classic commitment-phobe/fear of intimacy, fear of closeness/getting hurt.

 

Not that her having a boyfriend in high school even warrants those feelings (anxiety, uncertainty) ...they should NOT, and the fact they do, for you, indicates you are not emotionally healthy and need professional help....

 

Good luck....

[loverage21]

Ok, then why are you so emotionally invested in Alexa when it is clear that the "high school", "LOVE" of her life didn't mean enough to her - to the point she was sending NUDES to some other guy while she was with this "high school" guy?

 

AND, you've only been on a few dates with her - in other words, you don't know a thing about her - even if she's worth dating.

 

So again, your theory of "first"/"high school" loves is proven wrong even by Alexa...Alexa didn't see this guy as "special" in any form cuz hello, she was sending NUDES to some other guy while she was with him.

 

So, why would you be so obsessed about some chick who was sending NUDES to other men while dating one guy? Really? Really? And how is her sending NUDES to other guys a "misunderstanding"?

 

Boy, gotta hand it to Alexa, she sure knows how to spin some manipulative stories. Lemme guess, she has a pretty face?

 

But that is the thing. She said it was a misunderstanding. At least that is how she described it.

 

Alexa is a Christian that is a virgin until the day she is married. So I can't see her doing that anyways.

 

But she loved before. It was a relationship interrupted by a misunderstanding.

[loverage21]

IMO, this is a simple case if you being way WAY too sensitive, too emotionally reactive, unable to handle uncertainty, anxiety, or any feelings that cause you discomfort.

 

So you just run. Classic commitment-phobe/fear of intimacy, fear of closeness/getting hurt.

 

Not that her having a boyfriend in high school even warrants those feelings (anxiety, uncertainty) ...they should NOT, and the fact they do, for you, indicates you are not emotionally healthy and need professional help....

 

Good luck....

 

I just wish I could of been her first love.

 

She will always have a soft spot for him. Unconditionally.

 

Just the fact they shared a piece of their youth together has a place of its own.

 

If they ever got back together in their lifetime it creates the sweetest love story.

[Gloria25]

But that is the thing. She said it was a misunderstanding. At least that is how she described it.

 

Alexa is a Christian that is a virgin until the day she is married. So I can't see her doing that anyways.

 

But she loved before. It was a relationship interrupted by a misunderstanding.

 

Oh wow,

 

Can I sell you a bridge? I mean, cuz if you believe all the poop Alexa is shoveling then I just might be able to sell you that bridge.

 

BTW, how does such a nice Christian girl like Alexa get mixed up with a "misunderstanding" about sending "nude" photos to guys?

Edited December 21, 2015 by Gloria25

[loverage21]

Oh wow,

 

Can I sell you a bridge? I mean, cuz if you believe all the poop Alexa is shoveling then I just might be able to sell you that bridge.

 

BTW, how does such a nice Christian girl like Alexa get mixed up with a "misunderstanding" about sending "nude" photos to guys?

 

On her dating profile she was saying she was looking for a "Baptist Christian " and she is a virgin waiting until marriage

 

When I met her the first few times she was very sweet and innocent like

 

She confessed she was with a guy for two years at the ages of 14 and 15 and it was her first serious love. She said they never had sex but they "fooled around"

 

I asked her through text if she ever got fingered at least and she said "slightly"

 

But when I asked her more about what happened in person she described he mostly reached up her shirt as they made out.

 

She said the relationship was "lustful" and it was more like a "lets hook up" sort of ordeal. But she said it was an actual 2 year and 2 month relationship.

[GunslingerRoland]

A baby kitten is about as sweet as anything I can imagine, but I'm not going to obsess over buying kittens because of it... why can't you admit, that even though this idea of first love getting back together is sweet it has no meaning to your life.

 

 

Again, I ask since you ignored it last time, do you at least realize how out there crazy this obsession is?