How to let small things go

[Eighty_nine]

Unfortunately, I've followed in my mothers' footsteps in tending to give my romantic partners a hard time about little things. It tends to be about things that are "hurtful" to me, but that are so minor they shouldn't be. I don't nag about things like socks on the floor or a sticky counter top or anything like that... actually, stuff like that doesn't bother me at all. So I guess it's not so much that I nag, it's more like I am SUPER sensitive.

 

Like if he's cranky in the morning, I'll point it out which maybe isn't so bad, but I'll have a hard time letting it go... Be hurt and take it personally. If he gives me a little bit of attitude about something (because he's stressed, frustrated, whatever... he normally doesn't do that if he's not) I find it difficult to not be angry at him for it. The other day I asked to hang out and his response was "Yeah, sure, we can cuddle and watch Mad Men :-*" and I found myself upset because he didn't seem excited enough to see me, because his response wasn't QUITE as enthusiastic as usual.

 

Right now he's quitting smoking (partially because he knows I'd like him to) and he is moody and impatient. But these descriptors have NEVER fit him before... He's smoked 1/2 a pack to a pack of cigarettes per day for 10 years, I understand this is a hard time for him and I'm not being as understanding as I could be, I know that.

 

The quitting smoking issues hopefully will pass. But I know I'm too hard on him, too sensitive about little things when he is overall very loving and supportive of me, always there for me and always wanting to spend time with me. We've been talking about buying a house next year and he's very excited about it, doing a lot of research etc. He also is very eager for a baby, haha, so all signs point to him being very committed. I know a lot of this stems from 1) learned behavior from the way my mother treats my father 2) insecurity. So these issues go deeper; but I'm asking about practical ways to internally intervene and not scrutinize him so much. He's human, after all.

 

side note: I've done this with other romantic partners, but never with family or friends. I hardly ever hold things against people, i'm forgiving and understanding. i ONLY do this with romantic partners, like I'm unloading all of my baggage on to them

Edited December 2, 2015 by lissvarna

[mystikmind2005]

Well, its good that you recognize the problem, allot of people don't!

 

I am also frustrated with myself for being too sensitive. I observe how other people deal with similar things and i am so envious how they do it??

 

I guess it is all about finding that healthy balance? But often emotions don't want to co-operate.

 

I find that if i have some other bigger ongoing drama to worry about, i don't get bothered by the things that bother me when my life is peaceful,,, strange huh?

[whichwayisup]

This really is your issue, not his. He isn't doing anything wrong and he can't walk on egg shells and always watch all the stuff that comes out of his mouth in fear he will hurt you. You know you're super sensitive so journal it all down. You know it's not rational either, and he isn't trying to hurt you. It isn't always about you...Keep that in mind for next time.

 

Have you been this way with friends,and other partners? Just wondering how far back this goes, maybe your childhood and things your mom or dad said to you that made you feel a certain way and you're being triggered?

[Wewon]

You're acknowledging that you're doing it an owning it, that puts you leaps and bounds ahead of most people in my book.

 

Just keep in mind what you're doing though, it sounds like you're punishing him for everytime that he has an emotion that you don't like. That's one way to drive someone mad.

[salparadise]

The other day I asked to hang out and his response was "Yeah, sure, we can cuddle and watch Mad Men :-*" and I found myself upset because he didn't seem excited enough to see me, because his response wasn't QUITE as enthusiastic as usual.

 

It sounds like enmeshment, a relational dynamic where one or both partners lack clear boundaries and autonomy between individuals. Expectations become too specific to be fulfilled by the other individual and the one with the expectation irrationally considers it a personal affront when the expectation is not met. For example, it's perfectly normal for two people to have different preferences, but if one expects the other to automatically have the same preference, or to change his to align with hers, they are viewing the other person as an extension of their self as opposed to a completely separate individual.

 

In transactional analysis it is understood that when people communicate (declarative or interrogative) there is some expectation as to the range of acceptable responses. The wider the range of acceptable responses, the more likely the person is to be satisfied with the response. And conversely, the narrower the range the more likely that person is to be unhappy, often resulting in interpersonal difficulties.

 

So, if you consciously practice a broadening of the range of acceptable responses, and acknowledge your partner's right to autonomy of thought and feeling, you will probably happier with your partner and eliminate a lot of stress overall.

[Got it]

First off, I think you focusing on the fact that you can/should own your feelings is an important first step. You are allowing yourself to feel this way and you can change that. I also take a "is this a hill to die on" stance with things. It is far better to let the little stuff go, for everyone's sake, than to make every hill a hill to die on. You two are a team, not you against him. And you are not a victim, which that seems to be the stance you take and use hurt feelings to manipulate control.

 

Because this is a learned pattern from your parents (they do teach us some amazing things don't they ), seek therapy to help you create new patterns. Recognizing it is key, and I get it as I used to do this in my younger years, but it can be relearned and changed.

[Eighty_nine]

It sounds like enmeshment, a relational dynamic where one or both partners lack clear boundaries and autonomy between individuals. Expectations become too specific to be fulfilled by the other individual and the one with the expectation irrationally considers it a personal affront when the expectation is not met. For example, it's perfectly normal for two people to have different preferences, but if one expects the other to automatically have the same preference, or to change his to align with hers, they are viewing the other person as an extension of their self as opposed to a completely separate individual.

 

In transactional analysis it is understood that when people communicate (declarative or interrogative) there is some expectation as to the range of acceptable responses. The wider the range of acceptable responses, the more likely the person is to be satisfied with the response. And conversely, the narrower the range the more likely that person is to be unhappy, often resulting in interpersonal difficulties.

 

So, if you consciously practice a broadening of the range of acceptable responses, and acknowledge your partner's right to autonomy of thought and feeling, you will probably happier with your partner and eliminate a lot of stress overall.

 

This is extremely helpful. I have some background in psychology and sociology, so I've learned about emenshment, but haven't visited the idea in a long time. I do this only with romantic partners and it makes sense in this context-- I'm much more understanding with friends and family likely because I don't see them as an extension of myself the way I do with romantic partners. Thank you for such an articulate response!