Having children.

[Eighty_nine]

I want a child very much. I'm very close to my 6 y/o niece, have been her whole life, and my bond with her has made me realize how much I want kids of my own, as well.

 

I'm in a stable committed relationship with a partner who feels the same way about having kids. Thing is, I'm busy.... career, lots of friends, travel a *lot* internationally, close to my family, run a 'side business'... etc.

 

I keep trying to 'work in' a kid somewhere. Going to China for two weeks to visit a friend in March, and then I'm in a wedding in January '17, with bachelorette and shower festivities beforehand. So as of now I think 'after my friends wedding, then I'll try', but frankly, I'm lucky enough to live a very full life. I have no doubt there will always be a reason to wait, some other thing to work around.

 

Although professionally there are upward moves I'd like to make in my near future, my boyfriend and I are financially in a comfortable place to support a child. So I sometimes wonder, why wait, and try to "fit it in"? When you're ready, is it OK to go for it and THEN make adjustments?

 

I'm 30, and while I'm not quite running out of time, I don't want to wait much longer to have a child. My 20s were basically getting a bachelors and masters degree, dating and relationships, traveling the world, spending time with my friends and family-- honestly, my 20s couldn't have been better and I'm very happy I didn't have kids any earlier; all of my experiences made it worth it.

 

I guess the question I'm asking is when you're ready, should you just go for it? Might all of the planning to conceive at 'the right time' come back to bite me? I also have moderate to severe asthma, and women like myself tend to have a little bit of a harder time getting pregnant, I recently learned. So that's something I'm considering too.

 

(btw, marriage before children isn't important to me, so that is not a factor. I might get married, but more than anything being in a committed, stable relationship with someone who'd make a great father is what I care about)

Edited December 2, 2015 by lissvarna

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, there will never be a perfect time to start a family. We'll always be busy and have reasons for putting it off. If you know you want children and things are pretty stable in your life overall then go for it. But beware, it's a life changer. You will need to make sacrifices and it won't be easy yet so very wonderful all at the same time

[carhill]

How do you feel about change and especially change of priority? A child will change your life forever, for as long as you're alive, long past the days of active parenting and working your child or children into your apparently very busy life. Think it through. Once it's done, it's done.

[GunslingerRoland]

You can't "work in" having a kid. It'll change your life from the time you get pregnant until the time you die.

 

 

How much of your life can you maintain as a mother? No one can tell you that now, there are some kids who are super low maintenance. You can travel the world with them, take them anywhere and it's never an issue. You can also have a child with special needs who demands every ounce of your energy.

 

 

But yeah, if you're scared you might miss a bachelorette party because you are pregnant, you are clearly not ready for parenthood regardless of your age.

[TaraMaiden2]

stop any contraception, eat well, look after yourself and see what Nature brings...

 

Simply because you want a child is no guarantee you'll have one, or that it will be healthy.

Consider the implications of getting pregnant three years from now/expecting a child with a diagnosed handicap.

 

I'm not for an instant suggesting you're biased, prejudiced or opposed to the idea. I'm merely saying having a child - any time - IRREVERSIBLY changes your life, from the instant you discover you're pregnant.

You have a kid, and you have a kid until the day you die.

Whatever its level of health, you will be inextricably directly tied and connected to that human being, come what may, in whatever form.

 

There are absolutely no guarantees, and looking at yourselves, your lifestyle, your choices, and income, is not a given that you'll have an intelligent, 'good' child.

You will naturally do everything within your personal power to ensure your child is well-educated, decently brought up and taught good manners and sound morals, and you'll want to 'create' a new human who is independent, free-thinking and well-balanced.

I swear Einstein's mother, and Gandhi's mother wanted the same thing.

So did Charles Manson's and Hitler's.

 

Parenthood is flying blind by the seat of your pants. It's an incredible, sobering rewarding, scary, fulfilling, demanding joyful and exhausting experience.

 

Good luck.

Enjoy.

You only get one crack at the whip.

[Eighty_nine]

You can't "work in" having a kid. It'll change your life from the time you get pregnant until the time you die.

 

 

How much of your life can you maintain as a mother? No one can tell you that now, there are some kids who are super low maintenance. You can travel the world with them, take them anywhere and it's never an issue. You can also have a child with special needs who demands every ounce of your energy.

 

 

But yeah, if you're scared you might miss a bachelorette party because you are pregnant, you are clearly not ready for parenthood regardless of your age.

 

That was pretty rude. It is a very close friends wedding; I think in my post I made it clear that my friendships are very important to me-- you also left out the part where I'm IN her wedding; this is the primary reason I would rather not be pregnant at that time.

 

Your post is unhelpful as you seem to think I haven't a clue what it takes to raise a child. As I stated, I've basically helped raise my niece for 6 years; I have a clue. I'm financially stable. Obviously, I know my life will change, which is why I mentioned the way I spent my 20s. The implication was that those years were well-spent and I'm ready for a change.

 

I'm just asking if others' planned for a pregnancy at a particular time and what their experience was.

[Eighty_nine]

stop any contraception, eat well, look after yourself and see what Nature brings...

 

Simply because you want a child is no guarantee you'll have one, or that it will be healthy.

Consider the implications of getting pregnant three years from now/expecting a child with a diagnosed handicap.

 

I'm not for an instant suggesting you're biased, prejudiced or opposed to the idea. I'm merely saying having a child - any time - IRREVERSIBLY changes your life, from the instant you discover you're pregnant.

You have a kid, and you have a kid until the day you die.

Whatever its level of health, you will be inextricably directly tied and connected to that human being, come what may, in whatever form.

 

There are absolutely no guarantees, and looking at yourselves, your lifestyle, your choices, and income, is not a given that you'll have an intelligent, 'good' child.

You will naturally do everything within your personal power to ensure your child is well-educated, decently brought up and taught good manners and sound morals, and you'll want to 'create' a new human who is independent, free-thinking and well-balanced.

I swear Einstein's mother, and Gandhi's mother wanted the same thing.

So did Charles Manson's and Hitler's.

 

Parenthood is flying blind by the seat of your pants. It's an incredible, sobering rewarding, scary, fulfilling, demanding joyful and exhausting experience.

 

Good luck.

Enjoy.

You only get one crack at the whip.

 

Thank you for your input. My question wasn't whether or not I should have a child; but more about the process of planning a pregnancy vs. letting go and letting it happen whenever (or not at all). I'm a social worker and work with children, so I've had the opportunity to work with all kinds of kids, and I'd certainly be a devoted parent to any type of child, with average needs, or with different needs.

 

But yes, I'm concerned about my ability to have children, just because I have never tried before and many very, very deserving people have been unable to be successful at conceiving naturally. If I'm in that position, I'll be very open to adoption. (I would be regardless).

[TaraMaiden2]

In that case, disregard my entire post, save for the first sentence.

[Eighty_nine]

In that case, disregard my entire post, save for the first sentence.

 

No, you make lots of good points. And you brought up that no one is guaranteed a pregnancy. That's the other reason why I wonder if it's a good idea to meticulously plan, and wait for the right time. I have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant, until I stop using any form of contraception. So maybe I should stop soon.

[juicygirl]

I don't think there's ever a "perfect" time to have a baby even when it's planned. You never know how long it will take you to actually get pregnant (unless you get a fertility check) Took one friend 2 years for each child and another 3 years and then I got pregnant first time around.

 

With my first I had to move house 7 months pregnant and we travelled internationally 3 times within baby's 1st year.As soon have a give birth I get the passport forms ready lol.

 

Being prepared for the changes in finances, relationship dynamic and friend circle but you don't have to stop your life because you have a child you adjust. You may find that you no longer want to do certain things that you once enjoyed when you become a mum.

 

Like you said the fact that you have a stable relationship is the most important thing.

[GunslingerRoland]

That was pretty rude. It is a very close friends wedding; I think in my post I made it clear that my friendships are very important to me-- you also left out the part where I'm IN her wedding; this is the primary reason I would rather not be pregnant at that time.

 

Your post is unhelpful as you seem to think I haven't a clue what it takes to raise a child. As I stated, I've basically helped raise my niece for 6 years; I have a clue. I'm financially stable. Obviously, I know my life will change, which is why I mentioned the way I spent my 20s. The implication was that those years were well-spent and I'm ready for a change.

 

I'm just asking if others' planned for a pregnancy at a particular time and what their experience was.

 

I apologize, I really wasn't trying to be rude. Being pregnant while being in your friends wedding party, means buying a different dress and not drinking. I have seen lots of pregnant bridesmaids.

 

 

Actually having a child will affect your life in a whole lot more ways than being pregnant, that was my point. You don't know to what degree it will, regardless of your experience with your niece.

 

 

I wouldn't put off having a child for a year and a half over this... because like you said, something will always come up.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think there's any problem with some planning but just be sure you don't let too much time go by. Btw, I have mild asthma and I had zero problem getting pregnant. As a matter of fact, I got pregnant very quickly after getting off the pill. If you plan to have a couple of children, starting sometime next year would probably be a good idea. I had my son at 32 and that was really fine, too.

 

Don't forget that with the financial freedom you have, you can hire a live-in nanny to take care of your children in your home. I have friends who did this and it really created a lot of stability for their kids when their parents had very active lives. Whenever they traveled to Europe, they took the kids and nanny with them. Having financial flexibility helps a lot, and allows you to still have some fun.

[jakrbbt]

As you may have discovered, once you (as a woman) start asking for helpful information and advice on anything pregnancy to child-rearing, you're going to have to slog through a few unhelpful and over-empassioned, weirdly-applied-to-you, judgmental points of view that are often people more or less venting. That was one thing I wasn't prepared for, but you can keep it at bay. You'll also get helpful advice and support. I'd pick out a couple experts you feel you can go to, and if I were you, (if you do get pregnant), get an obstetrician textbook and eschew Internet research on pregnancy... But I'm jumping ahead...

 

I'll annoyingly tell you that everyone's situation is different...

 

You might benefit from going to a reproductive endocrinologist who can evaluate your eggs and estimate how long you will be fertile. Some people would rather not know, some can't afford it, and I'm convinced that actually quite a few women don't know such a thing exists. But you might really enjoy the clarity that that "knowledge" (or estimate) gives you.

 

Good luck!

[Standard-Fare]

That was pretty rude. It is a very close friends wedding; I think in my post I made it clear that my friendships are very important to me-- you also left out the part where I'm IN her wedding; this is the primary reason I would rather not be pregnant at that time.

 

Maybe that poster was a little crass, but I think there was a valid point in there.

 

However important this wedding is to you, it's a one-time event. And you'd still be able to participate... you just wouldn't be able to drink during the festivities, and the wardrobe details would be a bit awkward.

 

As a priority in your life, this should PALE in comparison to the significance of bringing a new human being into the world.

 

It's totally reasonable to want to wait this out another year or two, but it's overly simplistic to frame it as: "I can't do this until January 2017 because of my friend's wedding." Take that off the table as a guiding factor so you can assess more honestly how you feel about the timeline.

[Els]

If you really want children and are at a stage of your life where you are reasonably prepared financially and emotionally, I think you should go for it and not let events like your close friend's wedding hold you back. I mean, do you think it's realistic to plan your kid so accurately that your pregnancy falls in a 9-month stretch with zero weddings or major events? What happens after that, when the baby is still nursing?

 

I don't plan to have kids, but several of my friends have had or are having them, and yes some of them were pregnant during their close friend's or even sibling's weddings. It wasn't a huge deal, they just didn't participate too much in the physically-heavy preparations and they wore a slightly different dress from the others.

[xxoo]

Yes, if you want a child, and you are in a decent financial position AND willing to accept the changes, I recommend you start now. It's not going to get any easier

[Eighty_nine]

Jackrabbit... As I've already learned from this thread, you make a very good point. I've heard many women express this in the past but I'm only beginning to see it for myself.

 

I regret mentioning the things that I have going on in my life. To standard-fare, who thinks its overly simplistic to (possibly) wait until after my friends wedding, as I stated, I also have a two week trip to China booked to visit a good friend who is working there. This is also a factor. And the fact that I happen to have things scheduled that I *might* try to work around is in no way any sort of indicator that I am not ready for parenthood. In fact my entire question was whether or not I should wait or begin trying.

Edited December 3, 2015 by lissvarna

[xxoo]

If you have to cancel something due to pregnancy, then you have to cancel. It won't be the last time your kid upsets your plans, by far!

[Standard-Fare]

Yeah @lissvarna, I think everyone's point here (shared in different ways) is that your decision shouldn't be structured on this kind of framework. "Well I have this trip next March, this event next January," etc.

 

That's just the way life is -- there's always things ahead on the schedule, and whenever you choose to have a baby, it's going to disrupt that schedule. As everyone has said, there IS no perfect time. It's a matter of diving in and accepting the chaos that comes with it.

 

But I was talking about this topic with a friend who had her two kids, both by accident, really early - she was 18-19. She was like "I don't know how anyone PLANS to have kids - how can you even make that decision?" Like in a way she was grateful it just landed in her lap when she was a dumb teenager.

[Eighty_nine]

I don't think there's any problem with some planning but just be sure you don't let too much time go by. Btw, I have mild asthma and I had zero problem getting pregnant. As a matter of fact, I got pregnant very quickly after getting off the pill. If you plan to have a couple of children, starting sometime next year would probably be a good idea. I had my son at 32 and that was really fine, too.

 

That's good to know-- both about your asthma and having a child at 32. I frankly still feel young at 30; so I'm glad I waited this long! I wasn't ready before. I read a study on inflammation due to asthma can affect the fertility process and really freaked myself out, so that makes me feel better. Also, my boyfriend has been a smoker for several years (although he's currently 2 weeks cigarette free!) and I'm also worried his sperm has been damaged and that will create problems. I guess that's just another reason to start trying soon.

[jakrbbt]

Lots of ways to do just fine, but:

 

I don't recommend doing it in a hurry just in case eggs/sperm are going bad (esp at 30)-- at the very least, get a doctor's consultation on that and preferably one who can examine you (and/or your significant other), like a reproductive endocrinologist. At least, if physical concerns have you wanting a timeline you otherwise might not.

 

There is also a psychology of tricking-the-self-into-it that you probably want to avoid. I don't think it's optimal to do it sooner just in case you might "forget" (or waver too long) in the end. First, you're way too young for that and second, that's where the fertility evaluation can give you clarity. Some people--many people--are great parents who have kids early and basically on accident. But you're wanting to plan and you can plan, at least to an extent. From the limited information here, I'm guessing that you'd be happier if you give yourself more time, more information about your choices (particularly about how much time you have), and dispel any imaginary (or not well founded) notion that you have to hurry up or just do it before you can go back on it. Everyone's different, so I'm trying to give the advice that seems to fit here.

 

Good luck!

[pteromom]

If you feel ready for your life to be completely different, then I would just stop using contraception and go for it. If you don't get pg within 6 months, go to an RE and get checked out.

 

And no judgment here - I was in a similar situation where I helped raise nieces and nephews, and even "step-children" of boyfriends. Having your own is COMPLETELY different.

 

I mean, your experience being around children and dealing with children's issues will be helpful to you, but the level of responsibility and unpredictability is a completely different thing.

 

You just have to be aware that things may not go as you plan, and therefore you have to be willing to do whatever you have to do for that child. If you are good with that, go for it.

[Eighty_nine]

^i kmow it is, and I'm not expecting it to be at all the same, even as regularly as I've cared for my niece. The way I feel now is that I have just enough limited information and experience to know that I can accept all of the challenges and limitations of parenthood; that I'm willing to take those on.

 

My insurance is not great, so I think seeing a specialist is something I might wait on unless I have issues. I think waiting is probably the right thing, it's just hard to say. I'm also planning on buying a house in the summer, and while we have enough space now for a baby, of course it would be ideal to wait til were settled in our own home. It's a lot to think about!

 

Thanks everyone so much for sharing your thoughts.

[bathtub-row]

I think you make very valid points about the upcoming events in your life. Do the wedding and your trip to China and then figure out what you want to do. You don't want to be traveling like that while pregnant.

[Lois_Griffin]

You can't "work in" having a kid. It'll change your life from the time you get pregnant until the time you die.

 

 

How much of your life can you maintain as a mother? No one can tell you that now, there are some kids who are super low maintenance. You can travel the world with them, take them anywhere and it's never an issue. You can also have a child with special needs who demands every ounce of your energy.

 

 

But yeah, if you're scared you might miss a bachelorette party because you are pregnant, you are clearly not ready for parenthood regardless of your age.

You may feel it was rude, but he's right on target.

 

Also, while at TIMES you've helped raise your niece, it didn't stop you from doing everything you said you did in your 20's - you got to travel, go to school, establish your career, got to do everything with your friends, etc. etc. etc.

 

So the truth is, while you helped raise your niece when you HAD the time, it also didn't stop you from living your life. So you can't use your experience 'helping' raise your niece to assume you know what the responsibility is REALLY like when you have a kid. Truth is, you really don't know until it happens.

 

Apples and oranges. Sorry.