What to do when you know he is not ready for a relationship??

[sleeplessincnd]

So I am back, my bf and I split after a month and got back together after another month apart. We had been going strong and doing good for 2 months when out of know where he tells me that "it's just not right".

 

The thing is that I know that we love each other, he always made me feel like he had great feelings for me and I for him. the only time we EVER fought was when it was about things like him hanging out with me and my friends or him doing things like hanging out at my place, rather than his!

 

Selfish, I know! and this just indicates to me that he was not ready to be in a realtionship, with me or anyone. He wants to be able to do what he wants and just have me tag along - which is no way to be in a relationship.

 

So my question is... So what do you do when the love you share is so strong but one person is just not ready to compromise? I know I can't wait for him but should I tell him this? Do I just wait for him to play with his toys and realize that there is more to life?

 

When my father met him he told me "it won't last" and now when it is over I asked him why he thought that and said "b/c I can see that doing what he wants is important to him and he has a lot of growning up to do". So I guess it was obvious to everyone - except him and I?

 

Is there any way around this? Would a relationship that is more casual and lets him do what he wants more feasible? and if so how do I make him think that this is his idea? I know men well enough to know that they have to believe something is their idea if it is going to work!

 

HELP, PLEASE!! Thanks in advance!

[rastafari]

sounds to me like you love this dood but he doesnt love you as much back. i know its tough and all, but i would get rid of him. if you two broke up after only one month i dont think it will go anywhere, dont force it. it seems like its all about him right now, which is selfish, and obvisouly selfishnes never works in relatioships because it is all about sharing, comprimising, and caring about your signifigant other. parents are usually right anyhow. the next guy will come along and it will be even better, trust me. dont go searching though, everything will fall in place.

[loveisallaround]

I'm in a similar situation, and although the relationship was longer - we broke up because I was the cataylst of him not having enough time to himself or for his friends anymore.

 

A problem which is solvable by - you guessed it - communication. I was not impressed. When he tried to get me to open up about how hurt I was (because he wanted to keep our bond but in friendship form), he reversed the tables and told me I was frustrating him.

 

What a child. That was the closure conversation that I needed. I realized that I was actually the more emotionally mature one and that he was the one who had a lot of growing up to do. I haven't talked to him in three weeks and don't intend ever to again.

 

I suggest you do the same. Cease all contact and friendship requests - which is just a way to soothe his guilt. He might realize it down the road and try to come back (I've had a guy after one night of an intense connection come back to me) and he might not. Either way: Your only job is to carry on with your life. And fast, before anymore of your precious time is wasted.

 

Good luck. I'm on the same boat with you.

[sleeplessincnd]

In my case I also think that my ex is not ready to be in a relationship b/c he is not emotionally mature enough. He has been cheated on by every other girlfriend that he has ever had and I think he is scared to care about me too much and get hurt again.

 

He is also adopted and I wonder what impact that has on his fear of rejection and ability to trust. Does anyone have any incite on this - I this is the first time I have been in a relationship with someone who was adopted.

 

My ex is just such a mystery wrapped in an enigma and he makes me crazy. A part of me knows that he needs me to come begging to him and tell him that I love him over and over to make him really feel loved but at the same time he wants to be able to do whatever he wants and have me go along with it.

 

I know it is not fair and that I shouldn't have to put up with it but are these the things that you do when you love someone? Will giving him time make him realize (like it did before) that I really do love him and that he should just trust me?

 

I have talked to him since the break up but we never talked about "us" we just talked about what we have been doing and stuff - just like we always talked to each other. Part of me doesn't want to talk to him b/c he can't just have the good parts of the relationship and not have to deal with working out the other parts - but part of me wants to talk to him b/c I know that the last time we were apart talking like friends was what made him realize that he wanted to be back with me.

 

So confused...

[ErinErinErin]

sleeplessincnd- I know what you are going thru with a guy who is afraid of commitment. My ex was adopted as well and he was also cheated on by his ex wife when they had a young child together...she thru him out of the house and moved the new dude in right afterwards. His made him terribly afraid of being hurt as he told me and scared I would hurt him cause we were very close to eachother. He said he would rather be alone then get hurt again right now. You need to give him time and I can guarantee you that he will come back...

 

Don't talk about the relationship unless he bring it up...let him work for you...

[sleeplessincnd]

Thanks so much Erin. It is great to get advice from someone who has first-hand knowledge of the subject. I know that I can't go NC here b/c he will think that means that I don't care about him. I am going to give him time and be the good friend that I have always been to him.

 

It's funny but when we parted last week it didn't really feel like a break up - it just feels like he needed some time (again). But it really feels like this is the real thing so I hope that it can all work out once we get past his insecurities.

 

Thanks again! Do you have any more advice about the emotional needs of an adopted person? I think that this must play a huge part in his insecurity.

[ErinErinErin]

sleeplessincnd- What I did to make sure that my ex knew exactly how I felt (against the better judgement of everyone I asked about it!) was to write him a letter about how I felt. I basically wrote that I still loved him very much and I understood that he has a lot to deal with in his life and I could be there for him. I also wrote that I would not be "bothering" him anymore...that I would not be calling him etc if this (our relationship) wasn't something that he wanted- I was basically leaving it up to him to contact me...And he did...in dumb ways by calling me for silly reasons...He is too proud (and has admitted to this) to back down from his decision to end things right now and let me back in.

 

So for now I cannot bother with him or let myself become the "doormat" he is making me to feel like...(He once told me that in the meantime before we get backtogether (if we do), that I "will always be just one phone call away")...

 

I am going to give him his room to let him miss me...he may deciede that he misses me enought to let me back in or he may not...but I am done setting myself back everytime he leads me on, only to let me crash back to the reality of our being apart...

 

As for the adopted thing- I know my ex had issues with this as well- he had a very loving adopted family, but he always felt like he was "lucky" and only lucky to be where he is...I also know that his exwife throwing him out and moving on so fast was a huge issue to him as well. My ex has lots of issues that I know have nothing to do with me (many ppl have also told me this and he has admitted to not wanting to be hurt by me cause we were so close).

 

My advice is to just hang in there...I know you want to be there for him and let him know that, but you run the risk of letting him think that you will always be hanging around and he can have you whenever he decides to. This is not good, cause then he may take advantage of that. Or he may not. I'm just wanting you to protect yourself first and foremost because you sound like a very caring person and some people tend to abuse that in others.

 

Let me know what you think about all of this...Am I one the right track making sense or just rambling on?

[sleeplessincnd]

Yeah Erin, you are on the right track - seems like exactly my situation to a tee... with one exception. This is not the first time we have broken up. The first time we broke up he said all the same things he is saying now except last time he was very angry when we parted. This time he was crying and upset. But during the first break-up I did write him a letter and told him that I loved him and all that - I'm sure it helped in some way b/c he was feeling insecure. He admitted when we were back together that we broke up b/c he thought I was going to break up with him and wanted to beat me to it.

 

I wonder if he was getting those vibes from me again (which are totally false, if he was)? I also wonder if he was getting so close to me that he started to panic and think that he was really going to get hurt if something happened with us. Could his fear of commitment be what it the problem here. That just seems to strange to me. And how many times can I put up with this?

 

A have talked to him a couple of times since the split and it is funny b/c I have accidentally alerted him with my 2-way radio and he phones me back within like 12 seconds - he is eager to talk to me. I just don't think that it should be that way. You are right, I want him to work for him and I know that the minute he calls me on his own he will be back in my arms. But do I want to go as far as writing him a love letter type e-mail? Is this what he needs or does he need to think that I have moved on?

 

During our last breakup he was so mad at me and wouldn't talk with me and I sent him the e-mail right away, before the actual breakup. So it is a little later now, just over a week. I am not sure what the best course of action is. I know that he is sensitive and would be hurt (and possibly even mad) is he thought I had moved on. Is what he really wants for me to come back and profess my love for him and fight for him to believe it?

 

I have just too many questions - sorry the more I think about it the less clear it becomes. I know he needs to grow up and get ready to commit to me before we can be back together - how much time does that take? How long can I wait for him?

[outdated]

Originally posted by sleeplessincnd

How long can I wait for him?

 

Only you know that. Only you know if it's worth it. Take time to figure that out.

[loveisallaround]

This decision is ultimately up to you.

 

Are you willing to exert the emotional staminance to wait around for him?

 

It's confusing I know. My ex has a similar problem - he's not ready for a relationship and to give up his selfish ways - and I, at the beginning, had hopes that he'd realize what a huge mistake he's made. I went on for a couple of weeks of this thinking and it was totally unbearable. I got worse, not better.

 

You've got to know, there is little you can do. Writing a love letter might push him even further away. Right now, it sounds as if you both need some space. Let things air out.

 

Personally, my advice is to move on with your life. I've never felt so great doing it. I'm on NC, going on about a month now and YES there are still rough patches but I'm healing day to day, hour to hour.

 

If he doesn't acknowledge that you need time and space, and gets mad at you - well that's his problem. And on that note, again, you've got to realize theres little to nothing YOU CAN DO. This sounds like his problem, not yours.

 

It'll take time for him to overcome this. He has to do it on his own.

[smile]

Wow your story is so similar to mine its crazy. My ex is also afraid of commitment, he wasnt adopted but his parents split when he was like 5yrs old. And it was his mom that left, she left the husband and three sons.. so he has a few issues about trusting women ya know?

 

Its hard because you want to be there for him through anything because you love him. And, at least in my case, there arent many ppl who take the time to understand him or support him like you do. And he was your best friend... your ex seems just as stuck to you as mine does. Here we are 8 months of breakup and he still calls for dumb things.

 

I too am confused on whether to write a letter or not. Staying away may make him think I dont care... but being here may make him not think about me at all. It is hard being in love with someone who is afraid of real life relationships.

 

My ex didnt want to work things out, even tho on many occassions we have discussed how much that would have helped. He keeps taking space. He always comes back to me.. but never all the way.

 

I hope it works out for you. I know how much you want to be around so he can feel that unconditional love that maybe he never felt from his mom. And in a way I think that is why my ex pushes me away. Its like I am willing to give him something he has always wanted... and it scares the crap outta him.

 

It sucks that you know it can work and you can be happy , but he is too afraid. The fact that you want to be there even after all of this just proves to me that there can be nobody out there better for him. You are willing to accept him for who he is and you want to nurture and care for that person. For the sake both of your guys' happiness I hope he gets the balls to work on this with you. He loves you, but I am sure you know that.

[ErinErinErin]

Originally posted by sleeplessincnd

He admitted when we were back together that we broke up b/c he thought I was going to break up with him and wanted to beat me to it.

 

My ex did the same thing...he always begged me not to hurt him and break his heart cause we were very close very fast. Then he did it to me before I got the chance to!

 

As for the love letter thing- I did the same thing- against the better judgement of others- just to let him know once and for all how I felt- I needed closure and to make sure that he knew.

 

I know others will say not to, but I think if you feel you should, then send him the letter. But if you do, then don't contact him any further...let him come back to you. And if you guys make up, let him know that this was the last time you will tolerate anything like this because you are serious about him, but can't have your heart broken any further!

[sleeplessincnd]

So I sent him an e-mail last night. I is hard for me to really connect to my emotions right now b/c this breakup seems so temporary, so I am not at a state of mourning yet, not completely irrational with emotion and can be very logical about the whole thing - which is good I guess.

 

So I wrote the e-mail, kept it short and told him that I really do care about him and he needs to realize that I am not going to hurt him. I told him to take time to think and to call me when he is ready to talk. So I am leaving it completely up to him. I did talk to him on Sat night and he said he would call me later this week so let's see if any of that happens.

 

 

Originally posted by smile

 

Staying away may make him think I don't care... but being here may make him not think about me at all. It is hard being in love with someone who is afraid of real life relationships.

 

 

You are right smile, this is my worry. So I hope that what I have done has accomplished both. Given him some space to miss me but confirmed to him that I really do love him.

 

He told me after we broke up he didn't like the way I acted around certain friends, and though i think this might be some silly excuse I wonder if he saw a more outgoing side of me and is worried that I might have the capacity to cheat on him. I know that he trusts me but in the back of his mind he might have been thinking "this is what so and so was like and she cheated on me".

 

 

Originally posted by ErinErinErin

 

And if you guys make up, let him know that this was the last time you will tolerate anything like this because you are serious about him, but can't have your heart broken any further!

 

You are right Erin. If we do reconcile this will be the last time I put up with this. I think that if we get back together it will only be b/c he is ready to work it out.

 

Thanks so much - you guys have been helpful. Do you think I did the write thing - short and sweet to the point e-mail, now waiting for him to come to me. How long do you think this process will take??

[Treasa]

It's funny...when we meet a guy we like, we're friendly, fun, we don't talk about heavy stuff, etc. That's what makes them like us. Then, once we get into a relationship, we get serious and just want to talk about it. The fun is gone. I still treat my boyfriend like a great friend, and we just focus on having fun and not where we stand. We almost never talk about "us", and I think our relationship is better for it. We just enjoy our time together.

[ErinErinErin]

I think you did the right thing- if you had to let him know how you felt (like I had to) then this was the right way. But now don't do anything more...let him come to you...

[sleeplessincnd]

I am more confused than ever right now but here is what happened. Last night I went out with some friends to the bar and when I came home I wanted to check and see if he might have responded to the e-mail. Well he didn't but he was online. So right away he talks to me and asks what I have been up to. Well I am not sure why he even asked b/c he clearly just wanted to talk about himself.

 

So he told me about his parents giving him the down payment for a house and how he was getting preapproved for a mortgage etc. So I told him if he wanted to talk he could call me b/c I wasn't in the mood for typing (keep in mind that I had had 3 pints!) So I went to bed thinking that he wouldn't call.

 

Well he did call - it was late and I was already half asleep and pretty tipsy so I was not the best person to have a conversation with, I'm sure. But he was telling me about what he has been up to with work and stuff and how he is no longer really friends with the girl that I am sure was trying to get with him when we were together. Anyway, I asked him "Did you get my e-mail?" and he was like "yeah, did you get mine?" Well the e-mail he had sent was a video about a monkey drinking his own pee - not really on the same level but whatever.

 

So I said "well what is going on here" and he said "nothing". And said "well no not nothing or your wouldn't have called me" and so he says "I have lots going on etc, busy with work and house and family stuff - I don't really want to talk about it (the family stuff)" so I said OK, but then he says "well we just found out that my mom has cancer" - Now before you start feeling all sorry for him he goes on to say "well that is what we think it is, we are not sure b/c she can't see the doctor until next week but she has internal bleeding and stuff" Which is all very sad but also a little unbelievable at the same time.

 

So I told him that I wanted to be there for him and be able to be someone that he can talk to etc. and I was getting a little emotional and upset and he could tell so he told me "stop please, it's late let's not get into this right now, call me at 9:00 tomorrow".

 

So the obvious question is.. do I call him tonight? The rational part of me says NO - a firm NO. But I know that when 9:00 rolls around and I am sitting there watching TV I am going to want to call him. What should I do?? Wait him out? Send him a text or an e-mail and tell him to call me?

[sleeplessincnd]

So I didn't call him last night and at about 9:30 he signs onto the computer and he is mad at me for not calling him when I said I would. He so mad he won't even talk to me and won't answer the phone when I try and call. WTF??

 

So I waited until just after 11 and called him again. He is still pissed and I said I was sorry but he didn't say he was sorry. Anyways we made some mild chit chat and I asked if there was anything else he wanted to talk about. He said "well you wanted to talk last night but it was late so let's talk about it now.

 

So I let it all out, I told him that I think he is afraid of committing to me and that he has baggage and that he is too selfish to be in a relationship. I also told him that I thought he would not be able to have a relationship with anyone and I brought up that I was hurt that when we gave it a second chance he didn't try to change any of his behaviors.

 

Well he didn't like that he said "don't tell me how I feel" and "why can't you respect my decision that I am not happy". So I said ok fine well then we can not be friends then, I just can't take it and i don't think you would like to see me with someone else. So he said "ok well then we can just part ways if that is what you want" and I said "well we can't b/c you owe me money and you have to finish a job at my work (he is a tradesman)".

 

So he says "ok call me on Friday and I will meet you at your work on Sat and bring you the money" so I said "ok, I'm sure there will be someone there to let you in I might not be able to make it". So he says all worried "well what are you doing on Saturday, why can't you make it there" so I just told him "I am a busy person, I might have other plans but you can still get it done"

 

So he was all choked and then we talked a bit more about us and I asked him to please not just brush me off as a crazy person and really think about what I had said. He said that he would. "maybe we can go for coffee sometime" I said and he said "well yeah that's why I wanted you to come to your work on Sat so we could do something, I don't have any plans for Sat".

 

So we left it that we would talk on Fri and coordinate a time on Saturday - what the heck does it all mean?? Is there a chance this will work out. He seems pretty stubbornly set against getting back together so it makes wonder.

 

Does anyone have any insight into what is going on? Is this all a game