What happens when the attraction is gone?

[Southern Sun]

I think you need more time. How long has it been since your A completely ended and NC has been in place?

 

You don't have to have passionate 'in love' fluttery feelings for your husband, expecting that or hoping for that is setting yourself up for a fall/fail. Seems you DO love him, care for him and since you've built a life with him and have children together, there's a strong bond/glue that holds you together. Counseling will help, even sex therapy to help you bring that excitement back. It's worth fighting for, try everything and keep it lighthearted and fun too, less pressure will lessen stress and anxiety that you may feel by not being attracted to him much anymore.

 

Before meeting the OM and having the A were you sexually attracted to your husband?

 

The A has been over and NC in place for 8 months. The A was mostly over before that, but there was still contact until then (sporadically).

 

I can't say I was sexually attracted to him before the A, but I wasn't repulsed. I guess I was neutral. Now I am on the repulsed side of the scale. A true aversion, like it is very hard for me to go through with the act.

 

MC or sex therapy at this point I wonder? Would one be more preferable than the other?

Edited December 4, 2015 by Southern Sun

[whichwayisup]

The A has been over and NC in place for 8 months. The A was mostly over before that, but there was still contact until then (sporadically).

 

I can't say I was sexually attracted to him before the A, but I wasn't repulsed. I guess I was neutral. Now I am on the repulsed side of the scale. A true aversion, like it is very hard for me to go through with the act.

 

MC or sex therapy at this point I wonder? Would one be more preferable than the other?

 

Why not both?! Start with MC. See how it goes. Healing process takes a while.

 

Okay so it hasn't even been a year yet since the A totally and completely ended. Give yourself time and a break. My guess the sexual stuff will come back just don't rush it. Go for smaller kinder gestures of love, cudding and kissing, taking baths together...date and have fun!

[HopeForTomorrow]

The ones that get my attention generally put out a masculine, maybe powerful, stoic type of vibe. But it's gotta be something about that testosterone. And displays of assertiveness, strong-mindedness. That kind of thing.

 

Southern Sun... I replied to your thread right after you posted it, but I don't think you saw my post.

 

Regarding what you said above. Think about what you just said. Think too about what I talked about with you - the same type of guy I am attracted to. Think about what type of guy you are describing.

 

You aren't describing your husband. What about how he reacted to your admitting to the A? What did he do? He forgave you.

 

What if he would not have done that? What if he would have walked out? Done the 180? What if he would have just shut you out? Would that have changed how you feel about him? Do you think that you resent that he is putting up with it and dealing with it? Or is it really nothing to do with the affair?

Edited December 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Southern Sun]

Southern Sun... I replied to your thread right after you posted it, but I don't think you saw my post.

 

Regarding what you said above. Think about what you just said. Think too about what I talked about with you - the same type of guy I am attracted to. Think about what type of guy you are describing.

 

You aren't describing your husband. What about how he reacted to your admitting to the A? What did he do? He forgave you.

 

What if he would not have done that? What if he would have walked out? Done the 180? What if he would have just shut you out? Would that have changed how you feel about him? Do you think that you resent that he is putting up with it and dealing with it? Or is it really nothing to do with the affair?

 

HopeForTomorrow...wait, Hope?!?! Your first post didn't come through for some reason. I just read it and I will go back and respond to it too, but first things first.

 

You're right, I'm not describing my H. Not at all. I am craving masculine energy. He gives me the opposite.

 

I guess it's possible I would have responded differently had he kicked me out, done the 180, but I think it would have been temporary, because my H would revert back to his norm. And then we would be back in the same dynamic that we have been in for years.

[Southern Sun]

Hi SS.... I have missed you.

 

Unfortunately I thought way back when we were talking in more detail about your past A that you might end up in this spot at some point.

 

In some cases I would say that perhaps your A was a symptom of this part of your marriage. But from what you have said about it, I don't think that is the case (because of the way your A transpired, and your ex-AP's personality/behaviors in particular).

 

People will probably tell you to try date night, spice up things in the bedroom, etc etc. I am guessing you have tried those things. I am probably in the pessimistic group of folks who doesn't really believe you can fully get it back once it's gone. I think you can stay married and content, but I don't know if you can get that spark and "connection" back if it's not there anymore. If things never change from how they are right now, will you be happy in the marriage?

 

Does he feel the same way?

 

Do you think a physical separation for awhile might shed some new light on things?

 

Hope

 

Hope

 

While my AP did end up displaying some manipulative behaviors, I was probably vulnerable to the relationship partly due to lack of spark/attraction/chemistry in my marriage. That has simply been the case for probably 14 years. I am not placing blame - I've honestly felt like I was just doing what I was supposed to do in my marriage, but then succumbed.

 

We have been trying the dating and spicing ever since D Day. It's really really hard to continue in light of things. I suppose we will see what the MC says. We are friendly, cordial. We both understand how hard this is. It's so painful.

 

The fact is, the cat is out of the bag. I've been living without this attraction for years, just dealing with it. Since the A, it feels less like an option, for me to live like this. Almost like I am sacrificing my body, which is wrong. And my H wants someone that truly desires him. We both want the same thing and we don't have it with each other, at least not right now. The difference is, he still feels it with me (for now anyway).

 

I'm afraid we are both at the point where neither can live this way. So it has to be fixed or...

[TaraMaiden2]

Isn't that what you're trying, more or less, to regain? 'The same dynamic'...?

 

See, the dynamic continued for years, unabated.

You then had a year-long affair.

That's only been over 8 months.

You can't undo the 'done', but you're attempting to repair the damage and redress the balance.

 

What then, can you do to begin improving things?

 

What I mean is, you can't "leapfrog over" the consequences of the affair, bypass that work, and be 'normal' again.

So what I'm trying to point out is that you first have one mountain, THEN another one, to climb.

There are no short cuts....

 

You have to consider whether you are truly invested.

And by the sound of it, I can't see how you can be....

[Southern Sun]

Isn't that what you're trying, more or less, to regain? 'The same dynamic'...?

 

See, the dynamic continued for years, unabated.

You then had a year-long affair.

That's only been over 8 months.

You can't undo the 'done', but you're attempting to repair the damage and redress the balance.

 

What then, can you do to begin improving things?

 

What I mean is, you can't "leapfrog over" the consequences of the affair, bypass that work, and be 'normal' again.

So what I'm trying to point out is that you first have one mountain, THEN another one, to climb.

There are no short cuts....

 

You have to consider whether you are truly invested.

And by the sound of it, I can't see how you can be....

 

Yes...talking with my IC yesterday, I realized that if I truly try to address what's bothering me, or what I THINK is causing my loss of attraction, I will simply be asking my H to change his personality. And that's not fair. I wouldn't feel good if he looked at me and said, in order for me to be attracted to you, I need you to start acting like a different kind of person...in bed and out. Because that's essentially what I would need to say.

 

My one unresolved question (hope?) was that maybe I am having attraction issues due to some relationship problems that are longstanding/unconscious. But the more I dig, even if that's true, I don't know if that will change what I am CONSCIOUSLY aware of.

[beatcuff]

I do feel attraction and interest in others.

 

so we can eliminate physical problems.

 

the actual A ended 8 months ago (when H found out). right now you are still processing the why and the could (it happen again). so its early. most couples have downs. maybe your situation has just made you hypersensitive to it.

 

so what to do? ever go to bed knowing you have to get up early. 'i have to go to sleep, i have to go to sleep...' could this be similar. you can't force attraction. maybe if you 'relax', step back and let it happen it may.

[Southern Sun]

so we can eliminate physical problems.

 

the actual A ended 8 months ago (when H found out). right now you are still processing the why and the could (it happen again). so its early. most couples have downs. maybe your situation has just made you hypersensitive to it.

 

so what to do? ever go to bed knowing you have to get up early. 'i have to go to sleep, i have to go to sleep...' could this be similar. you can't force attraction. maybe if you 'relax', step back and let it happen it may.

 

Good points...

[Southern Sun]

Isn't that what you're trying, more or less, to regain? 'The same dynamic'...?

 

See, the dynamic continued for years, unabated.

You then had a year-long affair.

That's only been over 8 months.

You can't undo the 'done', but you're attempting to repair the damage and redress the balance.

 

What then, can you do to begin improving things?

 

What I mean is, you can't "leapfrog over" the consequences of the affair, bypass that work, and be 'normal' again.

So what I'm trying to point out is that you first have one mountain, THEN another one, to climb.

There are no short cuts....

 

You have to consider whether you are truly invested.

And by the sound of it, I can't see how you can be....

 

I read your comment again and felt like I didn't really get it the first time.

 

You're saying I have essentially a double problem to fix - my original one (in my marriage), that I've now compounded by having an affair. You're right.

 

I've told H that now is the time to put it all out on the table and to see if we can give each other what the other needs in the relationship. And we've both agreed that we don't want to go back to what we had before the affair. Auto-pilot. Just getting by. Pretending things were fine when they really weren't. Me afraid to say something because I don't want to hurt his feelings and him constantly running from conflict, just sticking his head in the sand.

 

My ability to invest feels really tired. Everyone on here keeps saying, 'it's only been 8 months.' It feels like an eternity to me. It's been the longest 8 months of my life. I have never been so miserable.

 

I am willing to try, but I feel like I need structure. Like I need the MC to help us, to say, okay - try THIS, for X amount of time, and then evaluate.

[remorseful_tab]

I feel so sad for your husband....

 

After my affair I too had a detoxing period of 3-4 months. But even then I had not lost my attraction for my husband. The detoxing was more like a breakup to me. You cry and pine for your lost guy even when you see another attractive man (in this case, my husband).

 

But with counseling, time and distance I was overwhelmed with what I had put my handsome, loving husband through. And my lust for him started to increase step by step. And at its peak, I just couldn't have enough of him. But in my case, he hardly initiated and many times rejected me. But that only made me crazy to have him even more.

 

But I see that in your case even counseling isn't helping. And you say you feel attraction and interest in other people but not him even if you "objectively" agree he is good looking. Time to end this farce. Be strong for both of you. If he is reluctant to leave the marriage even when you can't feel attraction and interest (I didn't say love) for him as a wife should for a husband, then atleast be strong enough to release him to get that attraction and interest from another woman. Don't you think he has suffered enough?

[Southern Sun]

I feel so sad for your husband....

 

After my affair I too had a detoxing period of 3-4 months. But even then I had not lost my attraction for my husband. The detoxing was more like a breakup to me. You cry and pine for your lost guy even when you see another attractive man (in this case, my husband).

 

But with counseling, time and distance I was overwhelmed with what I had put my handsome, loving husband through. And my lust for him started to increase step by step. And at its peak, I just couldn't have enough of him. But in my case, he hardly initiated and many times rejected me. But that only made me crazy to have him even more.

 

But I see that in your case even counseling isn't helping. And you say you feel attraction and interest in other people but not him even if you "objectively" agree he is good looking. Time to end this farce. Be strong for both of you. If he is reluctant to leave the marriage even when you can't feel attraction and interest (I didn't say love) for him as a wife should for a husband, then atleast be strong enough to release him to get that attraction and interest from another woman. Don't you think he has suffered enough?

 

remorseful_tab, I know your story, and because of that, you are going to feel differently about this.

 

I want to clarify, because I have not said this in my post - I do not pine for the AP. The affair has been over for a while now. In fact, it's only been since the A has really gotten out of my system that I feel I've been able to look objectively at my marriage.

 

I do feel sad for my husband, but I feel sad for me too. I feel really sad for both of us. I never wanted this to happen. That's why I've been hanging on. I did not consciously do this all these years...I thought I was just doing what people in marriages do. But now I've come to realize, I've been suppressing what I would truly like to have in a relationship in order to stay committed to my H and my marriage. Ironically, that has NOT given my H what he wants or needs. Isn't that a mess? Neither of us gets what we need.

 

You say to stop living a farce and end his suffering. I am not living a farce anymore. We are being honest with each other. We are dealing with the issues at hand. And if we conclude that they cannot be resolved, I think we can both bow out gracefully so we can do the best for each other.

 

Believe me - if I could MAKE this be different, I would.

[remorseful_tab]

remorseful_tab, I know your story, and because of that, you are going to feel differently about this.

 

I want to clarify, because I have not said this in my post - I do not pine for the AP. The affair has been over for a while now. In fact, it's only been since the A has really gotten out of my system that I feel I've been able to look objectively at my marriage.

 

By "crying and pining for other guy" statement was an euphemism of sorts. I did not mean you are still wanting your affair partner. What I meant is my detoxing period was same as any other breakup where you grieve for the lost relationship.

 

But for you, even after detoxing you find it hard to be attracted to your husband. And thats sad. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves a wife whose all in heart, soul and body.

 

I do feel sad for my husband, but I feel sad for me too. I feel really sad for both of us. I never wanted this to happen. That's why I've been hanging on. I did not consciously do this all these years...I thought I was just doing what people in marriages do. But now I've come to realize, I've been suppressing what I would truly like to have in a relationship in order to stay committed to my H and my marriage. Ironically, that has NOT given my H what he wants or needs. Isn't that a mess? Neither of us gets what we need.

 

I agree, its sad for you too. I can really see that there were unaddressed problems in your marriage pre-A. But post-A, now both of you are faced with confronting what was there previously. And whats facing you is potentially something that makes you two incompatible of sorts.

 

I know its hard to leave a marriage where so many things are involved and so much is invested - both for betrayed and wayward (I know it first hand). But somewhere down the line one has to say "I can't do this to you anymore. Its not working. I love you too much to put you through this anymore".

 

And I think you have reached that point.

 

You say to stop living a farce and end his suffering. I am not living a farce anymore. We are being honest with each other. We are dealing with the issues at hand. And if we conclude that they cannot be resolved, I think we can both bow out gracefully so we can do the best for each other.

 

Believe me - if I could MAKE this be different, I would.

 

I did not mean to be hard. What I meant is you are not finding it in yourself to feel the attraction for him that as you should as a wife. Trust me, attraction is not something you can manufacture. Maybe not the raging hormones of a new relationship, but still there is more than enough of it because your eyes stay fixed only for the guy you are attracted to.

 

I can say for myself, even after 14 years of relationship, if my H laid his hands on my thigh in a suggestive manner when we were in bed, I was done. Totally! Week knees and a churn in my stomach in anticipation.

 

I believe you are honest with your husband. But my guess is he still believes that the attraction will return whereas you know that is not happening.

 

This is what I mean by farce.

[sandylee1]

SS

 

Pardon me for this ...but is it that he doesn't satisfy you sexually? Is he not a considerate lover? Or adventurous enough?

 

Do you think he's too soft and not masculine enough?

 

You said he is attractive objectively speaking.......so is it something about his character or behaviour that doesn't do it for you?

 

 

 

******* I'm not being negative.... but... if you divorce ******

 

You have 20 years together and children.. not sure of their ages in relation to future custody matters... but one thing men appreciate.. is a fair divorce settlement (as in not taking them to the cleaners) if he's the higher earner. When I say fair........ I mean asides from child support and splitting assets like property etc.... but not take half his earnings or pension.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty when I say this . . . . . . but It feels like a kick in the teeth to end up financially broke after your spouse cheats. It's a common theme BHs. Then you just have a very bitter man who is so anti marriage it's unreal. I see a fair few of these men and the bitterness is terribly unhealthy.

 

If you are a SAHM, I realise you will need some financial support though.

[Southern Sun]

I did not mean to be hard. What I meant is you are not finding it in yourself to feel the attraction for him that as you should as a wife. Trust me, attraction is not something you can manufacture. Maybe not the raging hormones of a new relationship, but still there is more than enough of it because your eyes stay fixed only for the guy you are attracted to.

 

I can say for myself, even after 14 years of relationship, if my H laid his hands on my thigh in a suggestive manner when we were in bed, I was done. Totally! Week knees and a churn in my stomach in anticipation.

 

I believe you are honest with your husband. But my guess is he still believes that the attraction will return whereas you know that is not happening.

 

This is what I mean by farce.

 

Thank you...you know, this made me cry. I honestly wondered if that was a real thing, if people felt the way you just said after 14 years. Because I don't know what it's like. And the thing is, my H wouldn't grab my thigh suggestively under the sheets. That isn't his behavior with me. Maybe if he had manhandled me a little over the years, I would feel different. But that would come naturally from a person comfortable with that behavior...right? Or perhaps it's our dynamic together. And now, if he did, I'm afraid that I wouldn't feel like you described. Even a little

[TaraMaiden2]

This is why (sadly) I think you need to cut the bull, be honest with yourself, and be honest with him.

You're trying to fix the cracks in a wall of a house like this.

A façade.

 

Seriously, you have to decide whether you really believe this is possible, worth it, or even real.

[Southern Sun]

SS

 

Pardon me for this ...but is it that he doesn't satisfy you sexually? Is he not a considerate lover? Or adventurous enough?

 

Do you think he's too soft and not masculine enough?

 

You said he is attractive objectively speaking.......so is it something about his character or behaviour that doesn't do it for you?

 

 

 

******* I'm not being negative.... but... if you divorce ******

 

You have 20 years together and children.. not sure of their ages in relation to future custody matters... but one thing men appreciate.. is a fair divorce settlement (as in not taking them to the cleaners) if he's the higher earner. When I say fair........ I mean asides from child support and splitting assets like property etc.... but not take half his earnings or pension.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty when I say this . . . . . . but It feels like a kick in the teeth to end up financially broke after your spouse cheats. It's a common theme BHs. Then you just have a very bitter man who is so anti marriage it's unreal. I see a fair few of these men and the bitterness is terribly unhealthy.

 

If you are a SAHM, I realise you will need some financial support though.

 

Sex is not fulfilling. It's not that he is not considerate. He can actually be timid, like he thinks I might break. I've given him lots of feedback, tried to be gentle, straightforward, etc. He still does things I've asked him to stop, and does not change things we've discussed.

 

But there's more nuance to it than just the mechanics. It's overall attraction, not just the act. I just feel like I view him in a desexualized way - his behavior can be somewhat effeminate. There are other non sexual things that are unappealing, which affect the attraction part. It is all mixed in there together.

 

Is it your belief that a formerly wayward spouse, in the event of a divorce, should somehow concede on the financial end of things?

 

I out earned him most of our marriage until maybe the last 3 or 4 years. I am only a SAHM now because I had to quit due to the A.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh dear....

[Southern Sun]

Oh dear....

 

Ugh. Ouch.

[Rainbowlove]

Southern,

 

I've been where you are. Affair. Loss of desire for spouse after infidelity.

 

I'll echo what others have said...8 months is nothing.

 

I'm two years into recovery and have only really recently felt like I'm truly moving on and over the AP/affair.

 

Not that I longed for AP for two years, but it's taken that long to feel like myself again. It's taken 2 years to let go of guilt. To let go of shame. To truly forgive myself.

 

Under all those layers was my beatiful wife patiently waiting for me. We've started to truly rebuild what was lost.

 

If it was there before, the fire, I think it can return. If it never existed, chances are no.

 

Give it more time before tossing in the towel.

 

There are no quick fixes in this. The work is worth it, if you want to save it.

 

Best to you,

 

RL

[sandylee1]

 

 

Is it your belief that a formerly wayward spouse, in the event of a divorce, should somehow concede on the financial end of things?

 

 

Honestly? Yes it is my belief. If a marriage ends due to infidelity.... I think the WS should concede. The pain of the betrayal is more than enough to have to deal with.... but to end up in a bad way financially through no fault of your own just adds insult to injury.

 

It's a very bitter pill to swallow and the BSs (usually BHs) that get this raw deal are exceedingly bitter.

[Doublegold]

Would you consider your husband to be a beta male and that you are finding yourself attracted to alpha males now?

[carhill]

And the thing is, my H wouldn't grab my thigh suggestively under the sheets. That isn't his behavior with me. Maybe if he had manhandled me a little over the years, I would feel different. But that would come naturally from a person comfortable with that behavior...right? Or perhaps it's our dynamic together. And now, if he did, I'm afraid that I wouldn't feel like you described. Even a little

Ran into this kind of situation with a MW. Time and a revenge affair by her H seemed to spark things up again. They're out 25 now, and ten or so past her A and seem to be doing well. Like yourself, she would always exclaim her H was 'a good man!' and, yup, he is, since I've known him for over 20 years. I think the key, for her anyway, was him becoming a bit less 'good' and a bit more 'bad'. That and time.

 

You're only out eight months or so, it appears, so short time. If R is the choice, IMO think in terms of years not months. H can work his 'good guy' stuff in IC and learn tools to be more 'bad', perhaps without the infidelity stuff, and live life some before making a serious decision regarding a legal partnership.

 

Question: Forgetting reality, what if H filed for divorce tomorrow without notice or discussion? What would your first reaction be?

[Southern Sun]

Ran into this kind of situation with a MW. Time and a revenge affair by her H seemed to spark things up again. They're out 25 now, and ten or so past her A and seem to be doing well. Like yourself, she would always exclaim her H was 'a good man!' and, yup, he is, since I've known him for over 20 years. I think the key, for her anyway, was him becoming a bit less 'good' and a bit more 'bad'. That and time.

 

You're only out eight months or so, it appears, so short time. If R is the choice, IMO think in terms of years not months. H can work his 'good guy' stuff in IC and learn tools to be more 'bad', perhaps without the infidelity stuff, and live life some before making a serious decision regarding a legal partnership.

 

Question: Forgetting reality, what if H filed for divorce tomorrow without notice or discussion? What would your first reaction be?

 

Hmmm. When we first had the "honesty" discussion, he said, that's it, let's divorce. I was terrified, more scared than I've ever been, but I was feeling prepared to let it move forward.

 

I can't honestly say what I would do if it got more and more real. He pulled the plug after a few days, although I was somewhat relieved when he did because it was so very painful. Us stopping the processing and agreeing to go to MC made the immediate pain lift somewhat.

[MuddyFootprints]

At eight months out you are still experiencing residual fantasies. You say you don't want to feel this way and you want to try to work things out with your husband.

 

Your focus is still skewed.

 

You can bring it back if that is what you truly want.