Should I be worried?

[breezesong]

This is a complicated situation that has been making me anxious for a while now.

I want to start by saying I trust my boyfriend and he is very good to me- there's just something about this whole thing that seems "off" to me, and it's bothering me because I'm not usually a jealous person.

 

I met my boyfriend at work. We have been together for a little over a year now. We are currently attending two different colleges that are about 3 hours away from each other, and we visit each other at least once a month - I no longer work there, obviously.

 

My boyfriend is very close friends with another coworker, who I'll call John. He is also friends with a girl coworker - Kate. Kate and John have dated on and off. However, I feel like my boyfriend's relationship with Kate is odd, for a number of reasons.

 

1. I visited my boyfriend last week. Every day that I was there, Kate texted him at least once, but usually a few times. This was every day. The first few times I didn't really react, but after the 3rd day I got a little irritated. He acted irritated too and he did not answer the texts. (unless he did when I wasn't around - I didn't ask to look at his phone - which is locked)

 

2. Kate has some problems. She has been in and out of hospital for mental health reasons. I overheard John telling my boyfriend to "look after Kate". I understand that because they are friends.. but it felt a little weird when coworkers would approach only my boyfriend to ask how Kate was doing, like they knew he should know.. shouldn't they ask John?

 

3. This is the worst part. A while ago, my boyfriend admitted that he and Kate had some kind of history. Apparently, one night a few months before he and I started dating, Kate and my boyfriend were talking to each other about their issues - they both had a lot going on at the time. She broke out the alcohol, and they "just kissed" after drinking together. First of all, she was dating John at the time, so she was cheating on him - with his good friend (my boyfriend!) she's not a good person. Second, my boyfriend was only 19 at the time (she's 24) and that seems really weird to me as well. Although this story was upsetting, I let it slide because it happened before we were dating. He felt really bad about it and made it up to John, but he claims that he had no feelings for her and ended it right there.

 

There are other little things, too, but these are the most important ones.

 

Considering their "history" do I have the right to be worried about her? I don't know how often they talk. I know that they are friends, and I don't have a problem with that, but I really feel like she wants to be more than friends.. They see each other a lot since they are coworkers. I don't know how to bring it up to my boyfriend without hurting his feelings - what should I do or say to ease my worries? Or am I just being paranoid anyway?

[PegNosePete]

Considering their "history" do I have the right to be worried about her?

Well, you have the "right" to do whatever you like. I don't know where you live but presumably it is a free country, and worrying about whatever you please is a constitutional right.

 

But what I guess you mean to ask, is should you be worried about her. For a start she has no relationship with you, does not answer to you, has made no promises of fidelity to you. You should not be worried about her in the slightest because she is also a free woman.

 

If you should be worried at all, then it's your boyfriend you should be worried about. If he is truly faithful then it doesn't matter what she does - she could dance naked in front of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. If you truly trust him then he would say NO to her, no matter what she does. If you truly trust him, that is, which you say you do... but if you truly trust him to say no whatever she does, you wouldn't be here, right?

 

However, personally I believe you're worrying about nothing. Unless you have stronger evidence of wrong-doing, you're just going to come out of this like the paranoid untrusting gf, which will harm your relationship. It may be worth monitoring their relationship for other signs but I don't believe there are any thus far.

[Space Ritual]

This is a complicated situation that has been making me anxious for a while now.

I want to start by saying I trust my boyfriend and he is very good to me- there's just something about this whole thing that seems "off" to me, and it's bothering me because I'm not usually a jealous person.

 

I met my boyfriend at work. We have been together for a little over a year now. We are currently attending two different colleges that are about 3 hours away from each other, and we visit each other at least once a month - I no longer work there, obviously.

 

My boyfriend is very close friends with another coworker, who I'll call John. He is also friends with a girl coworker - Kate. Kate and John have dated on and off. However, I feel like my boyfriend's relationship with Kate is odd, for a number of reasons.

 

1. I visited my boyfriend last week. Every day that I was there, Kate texted him at least once, but usually a few times. This was every day. The first few times I didn't really react, but after the 3rd day I got a little irritated. He acted irritated too and he did not answer the texts. (unless he did when I wasn't around - I didn't ask to look at his phone - which is locked)

 

2. Kate has some problems. She has been in and out of hospital for mental health reasons. I overheard John telling my boyfriend to "look after Kate". I understand that because they are friends.. but it felt a little weird when coworkers would approach only my boyfriend to ask how Kate was doing, like they knew he should know.. shouldn't they ask John?

 

3. This is the worst part. A while ago, my boyfriend admitted that he and Kate had some kind of history. Apparently, one night a few months before he and I started dating, Kate and my boyfriend were talking to each other about their issues - they both had a lot going on at the time. She broke out the alcohol, and they "just kissed" after drinking together. First of all, she was dating John at the time, so she was cheating on him - with his good friend (my boyfriend!) she's not a good person. Second, my boyfriend was only 19 at the time (she's 24) and that seems really weird to me as well. Although this story was upsetting, I let it slide because it happened before we were dating. He felt really bad about it and made it up to John, but he claims that he had no feelings for her and ended it right there.

 

There are other little things, too, but these are the most important ones.

 

Considering their "history" do I have the right to be worried about her? I don't know how often they talk. I know that they are friends, and I don't have a problem with that, but I really feel like she wants to be more than friends.. They see each other a lot since they are coworkers. I don't know how to bring it up to my boyfriend without hurting his feelings - what should I do or say to ease my worries? Or am I just being paranoid anyway?

 

 

Red flags everywhere. With the distance, the locked phone,the texting, their history together, I'd say they maintain a FWB relationship to some extent.

 

Sorry, I think you already know what the end result of this is. If you are here looking for someone to blow smoke up your dress telling you that there is nothing to worry about, you have probably come to the right place. There are plenty of those types on this forum who will tell you what you want to hear. I'm sure one or two of them will show up eventually.

 

However I won't do that to you. I know you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feelings, but that really is the least of your worries. Actually you should not be worried about his feelings at all, other than to make sure when you get rid of him he doesn't make a spectacle of himself with a bunch of blubbering when you kick him to the curb, which is what you should have already done.

 

You have all you need to know right in front of your face. Get rid of him now or you'll regret it. Life is too short to deal with this low drama. He isn't even good at being slick.

[Lois_Griffin]

I agree. Flags are flapping everywhere.

 

Does your boyfriend SHOW you her texts occasionally? I mean, he was so 'aggravated' when she texted him that one day, that it would seem natural that in his exasperation he might have said to you, "look at this text...she's such a head-case and she's driving me nuts with this nonsense." Or something along those lines.

 

If he's not showing any of them to you at all, that's suspicious. The fact that he keeps his phone locked around you also is suspicious.

 

My husband has nothing to hide. He leaves his phone all over the house and there's no password on it. But again, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[LoveRefreshed]

idk. I'd be real weary of the friendship, screams like there are lingering emotions. Your BF may very well care about her/find her attractive, but it's possible that he can't see himself with her as she is a nutter? However, I'm not like the rest here, the phone/texting stuff.

 

I keep my phone locked. Not to keep my partner out, but to keep anyone and everyone out. It's my phone, my emails, my facebook, my messages. I protect all of those with passwords, but since mobiles typically have access to those via gmail/facebook apps, I see it as just being vigilant and smart to lock your phone.

 

Also, I don't have conversations that my gf can't read, but I do have private conversations that the other party may wish to remain private between them and myself. My GF doesn't have the right to snoop their messages (nor mine for that matter). If someone reads over my shoulder, I minimize my email, if someone tries to read a text, I close my phone. I ask them what they want to know and I expect my gf to trust me and take my word.

 

If it ever came down to a big deal and she wanted to read the message instead of trust me, that day would be the day I leave. The trust would be gone at that point. Shady people think shady thoughts.

[breezesong]

Thank you for the responses, everyone. Sorry I disappeared, finals were rough.

 

I really appreciate your honesty. I know that something isn't right here, I guess I needed validation or something to make sure I wasn't crazy.

 

He's never showed me her messages, but I also never asked. I probably should have, but we've had the password conversation before, and like LoveRefreshed, he just appreciates having his own space and privacy. He said the same thing - trust is essential, and if I need to constantly read his messages, there isn't a lot of trust in the relationship. He doesn't question who I text either, or reads my conversations, although I did tell him that he can go through my phone whenever he wants - I have nothing to hide.

 

Tonight, he didn't answer my calls for a few hours, then followed up with an apology that he was out with work friends. I asked who, and Kate was among them. My stomach dropped - there's at least 6 other people there, but why didn't he tell me he was going until after the fact? I asked him that, and he apologized, but now I'm not hearing from him. I'm going home for the holidays tomorrow and I'm supposed to see him - I don't know what to do, but I do know that I don't feel right about this.

[Lois_Griffin]

All I can say is that there's a HUGE difference between privacy and secrecy.

 

He's all about the secrecy.

[Space Ritual]

I don't know what to do, but I do know that I don't feel right about this.

 

Nor should you.

 

And Lois brings up a very valid point. There is a huge difference between Privacy and Secrecy. Sadly most people confuse the 2.

 

I am a cynic of course when it comes to issues of the heart but human behavior never seems to change. People will get away with what they can as long as they can. The path of least resistance is usually the path more often traveled.

 

Th only thing I can suggest at this point is that you should think very long and hard about the risk/reward of continuing in a relationship with this guy.

 

Sorry I'm sure you probably would have preferred to hear a more positive assessment. I simply cannot see a positive outcome to any of this. You'll soon find out for yourself but again i hope you can prepare yourself to just move forward without this albatross around your neck. Holiday seasons have enough pressure without having to deal with such foul situations so please let us know how it all goes down.

 

Good Luck

[lakerman34]

My guess is they are just friends.

 

LOTS of girls I text a lot, some of them I've kissed and even slept with. Some of them I think are gorgeous. Some of them may even harbor feelings for me.

 

But I'm in a relationship with 1 girl. I'm not into those other girls.

 

I get it...3 hours distance makes you wonder. But I just think, as of right now, the evidence just isn't there. I'd start worrying when the evidence gets MUCH heavier (for example -- she texts him asking him to "come over ;)" at 2AM)

 

Also, I wouldn't want my girlfriend to go thru my phone BECAUSE of privacy and strictly privacy. No one needs to know every little detail of my life (my parents try hard enough to get that and its a constant battle -- I'm 25, I can keep things to myself). Also, knowing my girlfriend, she may take a joke that I send to a lady friend and blow it up, not understanding the nature of our relationship.

 

Still, if you're this worried AND live 3 hours away, getting over him won't be too difficult. I say you could save yourself a LOT of time and heartache by ending it.

Edited December 12, 2015 by lakerman34

[The Way I Am]

What's all this nonsense about only people with something to hide lock their phones? If you don't have auto lock on your phone, you might as well just hand it to a stranger to go through all your private photos, texts, etc. because as soon as you drop it, leave it behind at a restaurant, etc. that's what's going to happen.

 

So OP as you probably guessed, I don't take him locking his phone as any kind of a bad sign.

 

What is a bad sign is that you're nervous about his behavior. Unless you're just an unusually paranoid and untrusting person, don't dismiss your instincts. But don't overreact to them either.

 

You need to tell him about how you feel (not accusingly, not in a moment of anger). Talk to him about it when you're feeling calm. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Once he knows how his friendship with her is making you feel, if nothing changes to make you feel better about it, then you should probably move on and find someone who'll put a higher priority on how you feel.

 

Oh, and if you're having a calm, rational conversation but he flips out, starts making accusations and/or criticizing you, that's probably a guilty conscience talking.

Edited December 14, 2015 by The Way I Am

[breezesong]

Thanks again for your replies. I have an update.

 

I'm back in his area again, so we've been seeing each other face to face. Everything seems rather normal.. until one night, we attend a friend's party, to which Kate was also invited. The event itself was fine, she didn't even spend much time in the same room as us and didn't speak a single word to me. When we left, though, 10 minutes later his phone was blowing up. She texted him 3 or 4 times. I couldn't help myself from asking what the hell she was texting him about. His response was along the lines of "oh, nothing, I forgot something at the party". But I asked to see the messages.. she was upset (and a little drunk) because he brought me there! She said, and I quote, "you know it hurts me to see you together."

 

I got very upset - I told him this was NOT normal friend behavior. He swore she never says things like that normally and that he has no idea why she's acting like that. I tried to scroll up to read earlier messages and he took the phone back from me before I could see anything. We started to argue, and I cried. He continued to tell me that they are good friends and she has a lot of issues that he helps support her through- but when I started crying, he swore he would end the "friendship." The next day, he sent me a lengthy message about what he said to her ("I need to focus on breezesong and our relationship, and you're crossing the line") and he told me how much he loved me and how important I am to him.

 

It's a few days later, and I still feel uneasy and hurt. He admitted that he knows that she has feelings for him, but he's scared to hurt her. I don't feel like I can trust him, and I'm very sad about the whole thing... I really don't want to break up, but I don't feel like I know the whole truth. And of course, without trust, the relationship will fail anyway. What to do now?

[The Way I Am]

He's cheating on you with her. You just caught him, and he pulled out the "she's crazy" lie.

 

"you know it hurts me to see you together." <--- This is a sentence that no one but an OW says. A friend who has feelings but was shut down doesn't send this. "Crazy" people don't send this. (Unless she's literally delusional. But since she's not hospitalized, I doubt that.)

 

This message came from someone that has feelings for him, who is aware that he's aware of her feelings, and believes he cares enough about her that it would matter to him how she feels about it.

 

How do you know he actually said any of the things he claimed to say to her?

 

If you want the truth, give her a call. Or save yourself the hassle and just dump him.

[sportygirl89]

You break up with him. Better guys out there.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks again for your replies. I have an update.

 

I'm back in his area again, so we've been seeing each other face to face. Everything seems rather normal.. until one night, we attend a friend's party, to which Kate was also invited. The event itself was fine, she didn't even spend much time in the same room as us and didn't speak a single word to me. When we left, though, 10 minutes later his phone was blowing up. She texted him 3 or 4 times. I couldn't help myself from asking what the hell she was texting him about. His response was along the lines of "oh, nothing, I forgot something at the party". But I asked to see the messages.. she was upset (and a little drunk) because he brought me there! She said, and I quote, "you know it hurts me to see you together."

 

I got very upset - I told him this was NOT normal friend behavior. He swore she never says things like that normally and that he has no idea why she's acting like that. I tried to scroll up to read earlier messages and he took the phone back from me before I could see anything. We started to argue, and I cried. He continued to tell me that they are good friends and she has a lot of issues that he helps support her through- but when I started crying, he swore he would end the "friendship." The next day, he sent me a lengthy message about what he said to her ("I need to focus on breezesong and our relationship, and you're crossing the line") and he told me how much he loved me and how important I am to him.

 

It's a few days later, and I still feel uneasy and hurt. He admitted that he knows that she has feelings for him, but he's scared to hurt her. I don't feel like I can trust him, and I'm very sad about the whole thing... I really don't want to break up, but I don't feel like I know the whole truth. And of course, without trust, the relationship will fail anyway. What to do now?

 

Sadly I knew you would be back. It does not give me any pleasure.

 

As I told you on December 3rd the Red Flags were too many to ignore.

He will never get away from her. She will always be there and your relationship will have 3 people in it as long as you continue to remain in it.

 

Please to not take another bite of this crap sandwich you are being served by this doofus. You are so much better than this. He will promise you anything to keep you around and the result is always going to be the same. She will stick to him like a bad meal at a Tummyacher Diner.

 

This guy is a Wussy. Get rid of him tonight...I mean it!