Emotionally damaged goods and dating

[truth_seeker]

Very true, I'm 41 and most women I date are out of bad relationships and Do talk a lot about it...I don't mind a little talk about it, You can learn a lot.

 

There's an extent, though. I mentioned how I dated a divorced woman. She was upfront about it in the beginning, but still going strong 4 months in. There's talking about it to get it out of the way, compared to keep talking about it having it get in the way.

[Redfisher]

You always have a choice, poster. If you like it difficult, you're gonna get it difficult. There are some awesome people with tragic pasts and some horrible people with tragic pasts. And then there's people who dealt with it and get on with life. Guess whom am I gonna pick as a partner?

 

I can agree with the above.....What kinda odds are you giving on my guess?

[Imajerk17]

This may be going off on a tangent @candie13, but I have a theory I have been kicking around in my head. It may be roughly stated but here it is:

 

We go for the person with whom we get to play the role we want (consciously or subconsciously) to play. Which is often quite different from the person who would be good for us.

 

I think this often gets us into trouble actually. See, on some level at least, we all want to think of ourselves as deep people who are there when the going gets tough. So when we guys meet a woman who tells us on the first that she has some baggage, we are often drawn in. We men like to think of ourselves as heroes coming in to save the day. Just the same, I think when women meet someone who has a difficult personality due to e.g., depression , they are often drawn in, because I think women love to see themselves as healers.

 

You see this a lot on this very forum. Guys going for the hot messes trying to be the "knight in shining armour". And women on here writing threads trying to figure out guys who are blowing hot and cold and who are clearly not emotionally mature anyway. It's like these women's "tend and befriend" tendencies kick in and they feel this drive to win over this difficult person.

 

You also see plenty of single, emotionally healthy women doing the work on themselves only to see men "going for bitches", and you see a few guys on here who clearly have a lot going for them and have their lives together, only to get passed up often for a lesser guy due to "lack of chemistry".

 

Anyway, I think a big part of being better at dating is learning to pick the right person, in light of the above.

 

 

With this in mind, I want to ask the people in this thread the following question:

 

When you go on a "good" date with someone whom you don't feel chemistry, do you ever ask yourself WHY that is the case?

[candie13]

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, Redfisher

[truth_seeker]

 

With this in mind, I want to ask the people in this thread the following question:

 

When you go on a "good" date with someone whom you don't feel chemistry, do you ever ask yourself WHY that is the case?

 

I would say not attracted to the person.

 

I think there are times when you're super attracted to someone and your nerves kick in and you can't handle being around them. Then there are times you're comfortable around a person where you're carefree, relaxed, because you're not intimidated by their looks.

[RedRobin]

I can make out - more or less - those ones. Like abuse of alcohol or substances . Same thing for womanizers - it's like a pattern, escapism of some sort.

 

I was inquiring about more sensitive stuff like ... emotional unavailability or signs they did not digest their big relationship, failed marriage. You know, highly functional emotionally damaged people... do these exist or is this just a myth?

 

I like your point about solid social network, that's a great one.

There are lots of highly functional, emotionally damaged people, unfortunately.

 

There have been studies done showing that CEOs have a very low degree of emotional intelligence... And there is a higher degree of sociopathology in that group compared to the general population. Scary, but not surprising, perhaps.

 

Me personally? I look for people who are giving back in measurable ways... And who take responsibility for their lives and emotions. People (men too!) who demonstrate some caring, nurturing qualities. I am not a fan of the so called strong, silent types who stuff everything or the loud mouthed macho types who let it all hang out. There is a balance that I think every person ought to try and attain... Male or female.

 

It can be tough to sort out because we are socialized to show our emotions in different ways. I'd say the people who are actively taking responsibility for their lives, their emotions, and outcomes are the best bet. Even when they fall short, they are still working on it. They don't stay stuck for long.

[RedRobin]

This may be going off on a tangent @candie13, but I have a theory I have been kicking around in my head. It may be roughly stated but here it is:

 

We go for the person with whom we get to play the role we want (consciously or subconsciously) to play. Which is often quite different from the person who would be good for us.

 

I think this often gets us into trouble actually. See, on some level at least, we all want to think of ourselves as deep people who are there when the going gets tough. So when we guys meet a woman who tells us on the first that she has some baggage, we are often drawn in. We men like to think of ourselves as heroes coming in to save the day. Just the same, I think when women meet someone who has a difficult personality due to e.g., depression , they are often drawn in, because I think women love to see themselves as healers.

 

You see this a lot on this very forum. Guys going for the hot messes trying to be the "knight in shining armour". And women on here writing threads trying to figure out guys who are blowing hot and cold and who are clearly not emotionally mature anyway. It's like these women's "tend and befriend" tendencies kick in and they feel this drive to win over this difficult person.

 

You also see plenty of single, emotionally healthy women doing the work on themselves only to see men "going for bitches", and you see a few guys on here who clearly have a lot going for them and have their lives together, only to get passed up often for a lesser guy due to "lack of chemistry".

 

Anyway, I think a big part of being better at dating is learning to pick the right person, in light of the above.

 

 

With this in mind, I want to ask the people in this thread the following question:

 

When you go on a "good" date with someone whom you don't feel chemistry, do you ever ask yourself WHY that is the case?

 

Yes, absolutely. There was a guy I dated for over a month who I felt would be an outstanding match for me in many ways... Trouble is, I couldn't stand how he smelled. It wasn't a BO thing. He had good hygiene. I literally couldn't imagine being close with him physically. As it turned out, he had borderline diabetes. Ran in his family.

 

Same thing with another guy I dated. Very sweet, but he was always on antibiotics for a chronic sinus condition. It made his breath smell like something died. I couldn't get over it.

 

Yes, I very tactfully told them why so they might seek treatment, change their diet and lifestyle. What am I getting to with this? Sometimes 'chemistry' is all of those subconscious health signals that aren't psychological. Sometimes they are physical.

 

As for the psychological triggers... Well, it has been a very long time since I went for a 'bad boy', so maybe I don't worry about those so much. I am more worried about a man's health and lifestyle.

[Chelsea5019]

Seriously OP!!!!!!!! You sound like the kind of person who stereotypes people. I'd put that near the top of my list of negatives.

[Redfisher]

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, Redfisher

 

You are so cute.... Enjoy your day!

[candie13]

This may be going off on a tangent @candie13, but I have a theory I have been kicking around in my head. It may be roughly stated but here it is:

 

We go for the person with whom we get to play the role we want (consciously or subconsciously) to play. Which is often quite different from the person who would be good for us.

 

I think this often gets us into trouble actually. See, on some level at least, we all want to think of ourselves as deep people who are there when the going gets tough. So when we guys meet a woman who tells us on the first that she has some baggage, we are often drawn in. We men like to think of ourselves as heroes coming in to save the day. Just the same, I think when women meet someone who has a difficult personality due to e.g., depression , they are often drawn in, because I think women love to see themselves as healers.

 

You see this a lot on this very forum. Guys going for the hot messes trying to be the "knight in shining armour". And women on here writing threads trying to figure out guys who are blowing hot and cold and who are clearly not emotionally mature anyway. It's like these women's "tend and befriend" tendencies kick in and they feel this drive to win over this difficult person.

 

You also see plenty of single, emotionally healthy women doing the work on themselves only to see men "going for bitches", and you see a few guys on here who clearly have a lot going for them and have their lives together, only to get passed up often for a lesser guy due to "lack of chemistry".

 

Anyway, I think a big part of being better at dating is learning to pick the right person, in light of the above.

 

 

With this in mind, I want to ask the people in this thread the following question:

 

When you go on a "good" date with someone whom you don't feel chemistry, do you ever ask yourself WHY that is the case?

I've read a bit about this subject - especially since I myself, want to break my own pattern when it comes to attraction. See, some people have these... needs - those who've had an emotionally distant dad will seek emotionally distant partners, hoping to change them into tender and loving partners - which never happens, btw, hence the hook, the attraction and the vicious circle. Most people have internal beliefs, such as "love must be hard" - see our RedFisher poster (no offense, RedFish, I used to share your thoughts as well), others believe that they are not worthy enough to be loved, hence they throw themselves as their partners who manifest no interest in them, others believe that they must be tough and in perfect control and spend their lives ordering and bossing people around and choosing submissive colorless wives.

 

Basically, the way we see the world conditions how we experience it. So this part, I got, haha. I understood my attraction pattern and I also understood what trigers me. The issue with these things - and this is where I agree with your post - is that there's something a LOT stronger, almost like a weird spell that draws you to people who respond so perfectly well to that damn pattern of yours. Didn't you notice that in some weird way, all of your dates had something in common? All needing to be rescued or all clingy and insecure or all controlling and jealous... or all distant and unavailable?

 

I don't care whom men who reject me prefer, I just think they're utter fools to begin with, so if they prefer a floozy instead, by all means, it's a free country

 

So when there's the "why NOT" it's not just the smell, the height, the look... it's the psychological make up of the person too. The real real b*tch is to break that automatic pilot attraction pattern by becoming aware of your deep internal beliefs, childhood and trying to amend them, if you can. Not by going to the complete opposite of what you feel and dating a perfectly nice person you feel stone cold towards. But by accepting your attraction and by becoming aware all through the dating process.

 

This is why I've started this thread. I just want to become more aware of the areas I need to pay attention to. Sure, it'll be easy to just throw in "any beaten ex partners lately" in the conversation, but we all know in real life, it's a little bit more subtle and complex than that.

[Heatherknows]

I don't think it's self centered but being cautious. I totally get where you are coming from OP. Some people purposely hide their unresolved issues which is unfair like you said, you find out after you are emotionally invested. If I was single today, you bet I would be wary of a "messy" divorce, "never had a LTR", "single for 6 years", "got to go to my AA meeting, or I'm in therapy", "My ex was a crazy bi tch nut job", "I hate my family", "Haven't talked to my kid in 2 years", etc. Damn rights, me no like no drama.

 

In my experience guys like crazy bit*hes. If you've got issues it's best to tell people up front. I can be emotionally fragile at times and I knew my potential husband would need to be OK with this. Over time I've matured but I'm still a bit "damaged."

 

That's fine.

[Chelsea5019]

see, I disagree there. Some of those people are aware of their past trauma, but they would hide it and play pretend. The unknowing party will give them the benefit of the doubt and fall inlove. And then, after they've started to believe & invest emotionally, they get the real Story - Drama, Trauma, whatever, no commitment, no marriage, no children, more children, hidden wives or divorces, you name it. See, the withholder of truth knows the whole story and also gets to know their partner. They usually are aware that there's a risk that the relationship won't hold so they don't invest half As much, because they know they are not telling the truth to begin with.

 

Is my approach self centered? Nope, it is self preserving.

 

I am not judging anyone because they've had dufficulties. Everyone did. very very few worked through their sh*t and trauma and managed to truly let go & move forward with life. And those who didn't will lie about it or conceal it. Those are the most dangerous ones, because they are uncapable of true intimacy, yet they fake to everyone that they are - sometimes even to themselves.

 

I've spent a fortune in therapy, I am doing serious work on myself and my past was in no way trauma or drama free. But I've put in all the self work, i am honest & transparent about it and I have no dead bodies hidden in my closet. I want the same transparency & willingness to Face their past & their fears from my partner . Seems fair to me.

 

 

I'm concerned that someone with your baggage has posted over 3,000 times on this board and still can't look in the mirror at herself and realize she's no better or different than anyone else.

[candie13]

Seriously OP!!!!!!!! You sound like the kind of person who stereotypes people. I'd put that near the top of my list of negatives.

I don't sense the love here, mate... I'm afraid I don't feel the attraction, so the sun should set on our beautiful encounter !

 

Seriously, it's not solving the world hunger, it's just an exchange of opinions. Not stereotyping people, just asking for their opinions when evaluating new people they meet - who seem the embodiment of not just perfection but... pretty much most things they ever wanted.

 

Feel free to check out or participate.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yes, absolutely. There was a guy I dated for over a month who I felt would be an outstanding match for me in many ways... Trouble is, I couldn't stand how he smelled. It wasn't a BO thing. He had good hygiene. I literally couldn't imagine being close with him physically. As it turned out, he had borderline diabetes. Ran in his family.

 

He smelled bad because he had diabetes? I don't see the connection.

[candie13]

I'm concerned that someone with your baggage has posted over 3,000 times on this board and still can't look in the mirror at herself and realize she's no better or different than anyone else.

personal attacks not welcomed on the thread. Either substantiate your input and insert something insightful in those empty little comments or yours or step out. Mods will be requested to join in my efforts to keep this thread and conversation civil.

 

Have a lovely day !

[MidwestUSA]

He smelled bad because he had diabetes? I don't see the connection.

 

Oh there's absolutely a connection. It's in the way your body processes sugar. I'm going to take a guess he smelled like ketones. I was constantly telling my ex he was exhaling ketones; he denied it (as if he could tell!). A couple of years after I left him, he was faced with giving up drinking, or dying. His liver was shot. Ketones oozed out his every pore from his inability to properly process alcohol. Same principle with diabetics.

 

It may be subtle (or not, in my ex's case) but some of us are quite sensitive to it.

[candie13]

I'm concerned that someone with your baggage has posted over 3,000 times on this board and still can't look in the mirror at herself and realize she's no better or different than anyone else.

 

I find weird that out of 12 posts, 2 are personal attacks directed to me, on this thread . Whoever's hiding behind Chelsea5019... a bit passive aggressive and a bit lame. You should have the balls to say those things under your usual LS persona , grown ups usually deal themselves with personal likes and dislikes

[RedRobin]

Hmmm... Well, I honestly think that if someone has truly worked on and moved past a situation or circumstance, then they aren't obligated to barf their guts out to a near stranger on the pretense of getting closer. What a huge waste of time. I prefer to move forward, not look backwards all the time.

 

I don't ask those kind of questions to people I am just getting to know. People almost always volunteer soon enough. There are enough other tells that show good coping and relationship skills to keep me going forward while we are getting to know each other.

 

what I don't like is people who keep secrets do that they can get some kind of edge... Or alternatively, feel the need to pry for the same reason. I can tell the difference between someone who is genuinely trying to build rapport and trust, and someone digging for dirt. I will avoid the latter at all cost. They can call me emotionally unavailable or whatever. I am not obliged to share with people who haven't earned my trust or with strangers. To me, that's just having proper filters... And if someone doesn't trust me? Ok, maybe they are damaged, or maybe we just aren't compatible. No labels needed. Just move on.

[MidwestUSA]

Well, people, you come up with a more respectful yet short & catchy title thread that conveys the big idea :D !

 

Well alrighty then, Samsonite Sally!

[Under The Radar]

What I find ironic is that some of the most emotionally scarred and damaged individuals you will meet seem to make a career out of disparaging others for having "baggage".

 

I'd rather date someone who has "baggage" ...... but through hard work and introspection has overcome their demons ...... they possess empathy, forgiveness, understanding, and wisdom.

 

As opposed to dating someone who is so monumentally unaware of themselves that they continuously hurt others because their demons are mismanaged and ignored.

[candie13]

Oh there's absolutely a connection. It's in the way your body processes sugar. I'm going to take a guess he smelled like ketones. I was constantly telling my ex he was exhaling ketones; he denied it (as if he could tell!). A couple of years after I left him, he was faced with giving up drinking, or dying. His liver was shot. Ketones oozed out his every pore from his inability to properly process alcohol. Same principle with diabetics.

 

It may be subtle (or not, in my ex's case) but some of us are quite sensitive to it.

I remember reading this strange article on attraction and the researches have found that we are much more sensitive to scent then we are aware of. And actually, attraction based on scent has at its basis the ADN structure. The more different the ADN, the healthier the potential babies, the higher the attraction and the more they'd be crazy about eachother's scent - skin and all... at some level, our choices, however much we like to intellectualize them, are much more driven by instinct then we like to admit.

 

That would be a good one, to ask your date to have his or her neck smelled and then decide yay or ney ! Screw past and future, haha!

[RedRobin]

Oh there's absolutely a connection. It's in the way your body processes sugar. I'm going to take a guess he smelled like ketones. I was constantly telling my ex he was exhaling ketones; he denied it (as if he could tell!). A couple of years after I left him, he was faced with giving up drinking, or dying. His liver was shot. Ketones oozed out his every pore from his inability to properly process alcohol. Same principle with diabetics.

 

It may be subtle (or not, in my ex's case) but some of us are quite sensitive to it.

 

Absolutely. My sniffer is super sensitive. Like, dog sensitive, lol. My doc also told me my hearing on the low end is freakishly good. As good as a five year old's. I can hear earthquakes before they happen... And can sometimes make out the lyrics of songs being played at a bar a mile away. No kidding.

 

But yea, if the guy doesn't smell good to me... There is almost always an underlying health condition at play.

[Michelle ma Belle]

What I find ironic is that some of the most emotionally scarred and damaged individuals you will meet seem to make a career out of disparaging others for having "baggage".

 

I'd rather date someone who has "baggage" ...... but through hard work and introspection has overcome their demons ...... they possess empathy, forgiveness, understanding, and wisdom.

 

As opposed to dating someone who is so monumentally unaware of themselves that they continuously hurt others because their demons are mismanaged and ignored.

 

This is exactly what I was getting at! Again, there is no such thing as having zero baggage.

 

I've spent a great deal of time and energy and even money (thank you therapy) unpacking as much baggage as I can over the years and although I've made enormous strides I'll always remain a work in progress. The difference between me and many others is that I'm at least uber aware of my "issues" and even my triggers and I work diligently to minimize situations that might be harmful to my well being as well as communicate openly and honestly at all times.

 

It's all you can do but it makes all the difference.

[candie13]

What I find ironic is that some of the most emotionally scarred and damaged individuals you will meet seem to make a career out of disparaging others for having "baggage".

 

I'd rather date someone who has "baggage" ...... but through hard work and introspection has overcome their demons ...... they possess empathy, forgiveness, understanding, and wisdom.

 

As opposed to dating someone who is so monumentally unaware of themselves that they continuously hurt others because their demons are mismanaged and ignored.

 

I completely agree. The problem, however is that most people who went through baggage prefer to hide them under a table and let them there, rather then go through them. Worse, some not even talk about them, hide and lie to "get the girl".

 

The moment a guy tells me to my face about his issues, his past, his scars and talks, I think anything else becomes irrelevant. Because that person is honest. I will never judge a person because they've been through sh*t. I will judge a person if they minimize the sh*t they've been through and never dealt with it, but dump it on their next partner. ALL people do this. EVERYONE makes their next partner pay for the not solved issues they got stuck with, from their past. So if at least they're open to it, that would be... Heaven. At least, i'll have someone to talk and have a fight with, rather than spend 6 months with a guy who hides his true nature from me and then be served with the "surprise" - no one can keep an act for too long and truth usually surfaces.

[Heatherknows]

He smelled bad because he had diabetes? I don't see the connection.

 

It's a specific type of condition.

 

Type 1

Type 2

Type Odious

 

It's the worst one you can have.