Thinking of divorcing a good man

[Beau5]

I was suffering from depression just before I met my husband and married him within 6 months. I knew he was a Christian but I didn't know anything about Christianity or the fact that he is very devout. He gave me a Bible and sent me on a Christian healing retreat while we were dating.

 

I still didn't get it and I didn't realise at the time that he was trying to convert me so when we got married, I wasn't a Christian although he thought I was (which I also didn't know until recently). Anyway, we moved away from family and friends so it was just us. I became a housewife and only mixed with Christians from church. My library consisted of Bibles and Christian literature. Being the people pleaser that I am, I wanted to be a good wife to my husband so I studied the Bible, watched sermons and read Christian books for hours each day - I basically brainwashed myself.

 

I changed a lot over the next seven years, but not for the better. My life was boring and I felt like Christianity was robbing me of joy. But as I conformed more and more to the Bible's definition of a Christian wife, my husband and I became a lot closer so the last two years we have had what seemed to be a perfect marriage (as it would when 2 people are living by the rules of the same book). But I was depressed still so I started reading psychology articles and self-help books (the subject I used to love but abandoned when I knew my husband disapproved). And I started to realise that my problems weren't 'spiritual' as my husband and his family claimed, they were psychological and as I applied some of he lessons I learnt, I started to improve.

 

I started challenging my beliefs too and I took time away from the Bible. I realised I didn't believe the Bible and I certainly didn't want to live my life by it. I told my husband and he was devastated. he says that I have come under the influence of the world, the flesh and the devil; that I am rebelling and I am in error. I want to be me again - I want to meditate and do yoga and go out and enjoy life and although he says I can do all those things, he disapproves of them and I feel like I am a bad person for wanting to do them. This was about 6 weeks ago and life has been miserable. He says he loves me but he's praying and trusting God will bring me back.

 

I have told that will never happen, but he just goes on acting like it will. I don't see how our marriage can work with a husband who thinks there is something wrong with me and I will get better and with me wanting to live a life that makes my husband uncomfortable.

 

Is it selfish to want a divorce after 7 years so I can live my life the way I want to? I should also mention that my husband is a very kind and loving man that has treated me well.

Edited December 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

No it is not selfish to want a divorce. You and your husband are not compatible. You should be free to live the life you want and free your husband so he can find a woman of his faith. Your marriage will never work the way it is now. May I ask what country you live in?

[PegNosePete]

I don't see how our marriage can work with a husband who thinks there is something wrong with me

No, nor do I.

 

Is it selfish to want a divorce after 7 years so I can live my life the way I want to?

Well... to be blunt... yes. But what's wrong with that? Don't we all just want to be happy at the end of the day? You can't sacrifice your own happiness just to avoid being labelled "selfish".

 

The route for you to find happiness is clearly to divorce this man with whom you are totally incompatible. His religion is smothering your individuality, and your beliefs (or lack thereof) are unacceptable to him. If you don't divorce you'll be back here in 5 years time saying exactly the same thing. "I am so unhappy - I wish I had divorced him 5 years ago".

 

Is it selfish? Who cares! It's necessary for your future happiness. You can either remain married and be unhappy, or divorce and move on to better things. It's up to you!

[Beau5]

No it is not selfish to want a divorce. You and your husband are not compatible. You should be free to live the life you want and free your husband so he can find a woman of his faith. Your marriage will never work the way it is now. May I ask what country you live in?

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm in the UK. I have said to my husband that if I leave him then he will be free to find someone who shares his faith, but he just acts like everything will be okay if he keeps praying. It's like he's not doing what he would really like to do, but just doing what he thinks he has to do according to the Bible. I mean, I know he's not happy because he thinks his wife has been replaced with a stranger who he finds difficult. I dunno...

[stillafool]

You are going to have to be the one to leave the marriage and file for divorce. He will continue to pray that you change. Thank goodness you don't have kids yet, do you?

[SoleMate]

...he just acts like everything will be okay if he keeps praying. It's like he's not doing what he would really like to do, but just doing what he thinks he has to do according to the Bible. I mean, I know he's not happy because he thinks his wife has been replaced with a stranger who he finds difficult.....

There's a fundamental, possibly impassable divide when two people see the same problem of incompatibility, and one person proposes practical solutions while the other person takes no action other than praying to an invisible being to make it all better.

 

Now that your depression is controlled, you're in some ways a different person and more open to life. Please, go live it. I'd give hubs one clear chance to realize what's happening and possibly make a change on his side. Then, releases him for the sake of both of you.

[Beau5]

We don't have children together, but I have two children (at college and uni), and he has been a brilliant step-father. But both kids have said they are glad I am back to being myself and although they love my husband, they can understand why a divorce may be best.

[AspenBaldwin]

Only a crazy man would disapprove of his wife doing Yoga.

[Amelie1980]

Thanks for the reply. I'm in the UK. I have said to my husband that if I leave him then he will be free to find someone who shares his faith, but he just acts like everything will be okay if he keeps praying. It's like he's not doing what he would really like to do, but just doing what he thinks he has to do according to the Bible. I mean, I know he's not happy because he thinks his wife has been replaced with a stranger who he finds difficult. I dunno...

 

I am very surprised you're in the UK.

 

Most people arent devoutly religious there. You cant live like that. I dont believe the Bible either.

 

Have you heard of or joined Mumsnet? Im sure they will tell it like it is on the relationships board there & give you moral support.

[PegNosePete]

Why must you be in alignment with his beliefs on such an extreme level?

Because some people refuse to accept anyone who is not. Her husband is obviously one of those people. Not much she can do to change him, really.

 

He does realize that the Bible only supports divorce under a few circumstances, yes?

It doesn't matter what he realizes or doesn't realize. If the OP wants a divorce, she can get one, no matter what her husband's religious books says on the matter. Divorce is a civil matter not a religious one. He can object and kick and scream all he likes, but if she does the paperwork properly (or has a solicitor do it for her) then there will be absolutely nothing he can do to prevent her being granted a divorce.

Edited December 3, 2015 by PegNosePete

[66Charger]

Being raised in a devout Christian family, I can understand your Husband. Choosing to go my own way, I can understand the OP. Each is free to believe or not believe without ridiculing the others belief. (Sky fairy, invisible beings etc.)

 

With that being said, there is no out here. The OP was dishonest with her husband and herself, but that is no longer relevant. It is her husbands responsibility to accept the OP as she is or divorce. If her choice of life doesnt dishonor the marriage, then that is possible, though improbable, given his strength of religion. That clearly is his choice. The OP doesnt appear to have a problem with his beliefs.

 

OP, if you truly love your husband, you need sit him down now and ask him to accept you as you are. Your choice to believe is yours, not his. I believe you also owe him an apology if you never truly beleived and led him to think you were compatable in spirit.. He may have never married you. If he cannot accept your choice, then you should go your seperate ways.

 

There is no wrong on either side

[sandylee1]

I am very surprised you're in the UK.

 

Most people arent devoutly religious there. You cant live like that. I dont believe the Bible either.

 

Have you heard of or joined Mumsnet? Im sure they will tell it like it is on the relationships board there & give you moral support.

 

That's a very sweeping statement....The UK is a big place and there are many devout religious people here. I know many of them in different church groups.

 

If your husband is against meditation and yoga... to the point it upsets him... then you can't be happy. Some women hate their husbands playing golf .... but it doesn't mean the end of the marriage. What isn't good is constant bible reading when it's not your thing. Or when it's turning you into someone you don't like.

 

Can you have a final talk with him..... take me as I am now...or I'm done.

[Beau5]

I don't understand why you can't do today and meditation and still believe whatever you choose.

 

 

Meditation is designed to quiet the mind so that the "knowing" is clear.

 

You should believe whatever you choose! If that's not good enough for your H then so be it. Every person believes differently. Why must you be in alignment with his beliefs on such an extreme level?

 

Is there action to his faith...to yours? Do you both volunteer? Do you do for others? Find opportunities each day to be helpful for nothing in return?

 

 

Having faith is so much more than reading a book. What actions does he DO that show he's putting his faith into action?

 

 

He does realize that the Bible only supports divorce under a few circumstances, yes?

 

 

On a personal level I don't think it's ever healthy to betray self...religion or no religion. But I'd like to see what other evidence you provide that supports your need to divorce a "good man".

 

My husband believes meditation and yoga come from other religions so it would be like worshiping other gods, which is upsetting for him and he'd obviously prefer that I didn't. He says I am free to do what I like but not around him. I have no problem with Christianity as long as the person is content and happy living that lifestyle; I am not. My husband has only known this way of life and I accept that and I wouldn't want to change him. And yes, he does have actions to go along with his faith and helps many people. But so did I before becoming a Christian, as do many other non-religious people. My problem is that he is unable to accept me for who I am and I find it difficult to be intimate with someone who thinks/feels that I am broken and need fixing and disapproves of so much about me that it makes him miserable. so at the same time, there is no intimacy and we hardly speak (as most of out conversations revolved around God, Church and we shared a lot of views from a Christian perspective). Sure, I could stay and have my husband believe if he keeps praying he'll have his perfect Christian wife back, but he's never going to see that day. As for divorce, of course he knows all that, which is why I wonder if he is prepared to stay in an awkward marriage mostly for the sake of his religion. I also know that an unbelieving spouse can leave and he will be free to remarry and he deserves a good wife who shares his faith, with a similar background to his.

[Beau5]

Being raised in a devout Christian family, I can understand your Husband. Choosing to go my own way, I can understand the OP. Each is free to believe or not believe without ridiculing the others belief. (Sky fairy, invisible beings etc.)

 

With that being said, there is no out here. The OP was dishonest with her husband and herself, but that is no longer relevant. It is her husbands responsibility to accept the OP as she is or divorce. If her choice of life doesnt dishonor the marriage, then that is possible, though improbable, given his strength of religion. That clearly is his choice. The OP doesnt appear to have a problem with his beliefs.

 

OP, if you truly love your husband, you need sit him down now and ask him to accept you as you are. Your choice to believe is yours, not his. I believe you also owe him an apology if you never truly beleived and led him to think you were compatable in spirit.. He may have never married you. If he cannot accept your choice, then you should go your seperate ways.

 

There is no wrong on either side

 

Thank you for your reply. It's true, if my husband had known I wasn't saved, he would never have married me - he has told me that. But I wasn't dishonest because I didn't know he thought I was a Christian and I have apologised. The problem was we both rushed into marrying someone we didn't know. In fact, we both felt we'd made a huge mistake and things were difficult for the first year or two. You're right though, I need to have a long chat with him about it all. We've spoken briefly about it several times but never resolved anything.

[66Charger]

If your huabands decides to ACCEPT who you are, can you do the same for him? You state there is no intimacy and you barely speak. This may have gone too far. What does he need to do/be in order for you to desire intamacy with him? Must his thoughts be the same as yours? Can he no longer pray for your salvaton?

 

I ask these questions because you may wish to be free of religion alltogether and that may include your husband. Please think on this before you speak on it again. The worst that could happen is that he accepts you, keeps his religion to himself and you leave anyway because he prays for you.

 

What do you request of your husband.

[Amelie1980]

Thank you for your reply. It's true, if my husband had known I wasn't saved, he would never have married me - he has told me that. But I wasn't dishonest because I didn't know he thought I was a Christian and I have apologised. The problem was we both rushed into marrying someone we didn't know. In fact, we both felt we'd made a huge mistake and things were difficult for the first year or two. You're right though, I need to have a long chat with him about it all. We've spoken briefly about it several times but never resolved anything.

 

Im sorry this just doesnt ring true where you say you werent dishonest. It must have come up in conversation in 6 months. Particularly when it was a deal breaker to him if you werent. How did he think you were a Christian when you werent? Unless he asked or you said something that suggested you were.

Edited December 3, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Beau5]

We didn't date the whole 6 months. We met and he told me about a course on healing, which I thought was a New Age thing (which I was very into at the time). We emailed several times and spoke briefly about 'spiritual' things - He from a Christian p.o.v and I from a Spiritualism kind (I've always believed in some god or some higher being).

 

He did ask if I was a Christian when we first met and I said 'no'. Then three months later we started dating, but only saw each other at weekends. He did talk about the Bible and God and asked if I'd read any of the Bible and books he had given me. I said I had read a bit and they were interesting.

 

Then I went on the healing course, which was Christian but I still didn't get the Christian gospel message. I believed some of the stuff that was said on the course and I would have said that I believed that and I was starting to believe in this god. But I never got the whole Jesus bit until a year after we'd married. My husband and I have spoken about all this and he said he just assumed I believed from the things we spoke about to do with spiritual matters.

Edited December 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Beau5]

If your huabands decides to ACCEPT who you are, can you do the same for him? You state there is no intimacy and you barely speak. This may have gone too far. What does he need to do/be in order for you to desire intamacy with him? Must his thoughts be the same as yours? Can he no longer pray for your salvaton?

 

I ask these questions because you may wish to be free of religion alltogether and that may include your husband. Please think on this before you speak on it again. The worst that could happen is that he accepts you, keeps his religion to himself and you leave anyway because he prays for you.

 

What do you request of your husband.

 

I don't feel that my husband's thoughts need to be the same as mine and I do accept that he is a KJV Bible believing Christian and that God/Jesus is the most important thing in his life. He's a lovely guy and that's part of what makes him the person he is. But it's more of a problem for him because the way I want to live and the person I really am, are not pleasing to God.

 

I'm not talking going out clubbing and fornication - I'm talking being able to enjoy a movie that may have a sex scene or reference or swearing without feeling disgusted at myself; not having to hide in my bedroom to meditate like I'm a naughty kid having a sneaky cigarette; having a glass of wine now and again just because I want to without being judged; enjoying Christmas and the festivities and having a laugh without someone watching me uncomfortably and saying 'It's a pagan festival' and questioning me why it's important to have a laugh; and so, so much more. I have no problem with my husband praying for me, but I have a problem that he feels he needs to because the way I am distresses him so much. What kind of a life is that for him?

 

I take full blame for the mess I am in. I've always been a people pleaser and I became the person I thought my husband wanted. Every time he showed disapproval or said he would never have married me if he knew what i was really like, I changed. I stopped reading the books I liked, I changed the way I dressed, I suppressed all my desires and accepted that they were just the 'old sinful nature' that needed to go. But I can't do that any longer. And when I tell him these things all he says is 'God knows what He's doing. Everything will be okay.'

[PegNosePete]

I also know that an unbelieving spouse can leave and he will be free to remarry and he deserves a good wife who shares his faith, with a similar background to his.

If his beliefs preclude divorce then he will never divorce you, or agree to a divorce. If that is the case, and you want a divorce, then you will have to take the driving seat and essentially force it upon him. He might be quite obstructive. You should definitely use a solicitor to draft the petition.

 

Whether he is able to remarry will depend on his beliefs. I'm not sure what flavour of Christian he is, but in Catholicism for example, even if there is a divorce, he would still be married in the eyes of God. Even though he would legally be able to remarry, his beliefs (and his church) would prevent him from doing so.

 

But... if you were to divorce... that's not your problem, it's his.

 

You're right though, I need to have a long chat with him about it all. We've spoken briefly about it several times but never resolved anything.

I'm not really sure what a chat, whether long or short, will resolve. It seems to me that your positions are irreconcilable. He is never going to accept you as you are, and your beliefs are never going to be acceptable to him.

 

I don't see any alternative than divorce I'm afraid.

 

He may be obligated to stay in the marriage, even if he's not happy, due to religious reasons. But you aren't. I don't see how this can ever end up being a happy marriage. I would say it's time to cut your losses and end it now before things get even worse. The sooner you do, the sooner you can both move on with your lives.

 

It doesn't matter whether you "tricked" him, or were honest or dishonest, or whatever. I'm not sure why some posters are even mentioning that. It's totally irrelevant to what you should do now, and in the future. Debating who's to blame for the current situation, doesn't help you get out of it.

Edited December 4, 2015 by PegNosePete

[Amelie1980]

I couldnt live a life devoted to pleasing god either as I dont believe god exists.

 

I dont see this is fixable either. You dont want to devote your life to god and he does. No amount of chatting will fix it.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

-what will you do in the future when you'll realise u did a mistake and regret your choice? i mean.. you will go and enjoy your life have fun,parties who knows what sh&t is left out in the world, but after all these "fantasies" fade what will you do without a caring and loving husband by your side who only wanted the best for you?

 

-as a spiritual but not religious person i kinda understand why he did all of that for you, in case u did not notice he wants you to be a christian for your own sake and so you can enjoy everlasting eternal life in Heavens, he wants you to be with him for a eternity after death, now how can someone say her husband is selfish when he has so much unconditional love for his wifey?

 

I don't know much of your marriage and maybe i'm too young to even advice older people about this kind of stuff but i'm sure that man loves u really much and if u're too blind right now to see this, then it will be your loss in the future,that's guaranteed, or.. perhaps u think u will find another man (even better) to take care of you,huh? well sorry to burst your bubble but u'll have one heaven of a surprise m'lady.

 

U said that u had nothing to do with christianity before you met him,u said u read all of those books and been to sermons but it seems to me it was all in vain as u don't seem to apply anything of what u have read,if your husband is not abusive or controlling with u, then why do u want to put him thru such a heartbreakin pain? W.H.Y.??

 

have a nice evening and do the right choice before you throw away a flowering marriage like this.

[Beau5]

Thanks AdamantyumKrystal (and everyone else) for your input. It helps to talk.

 

Yeah, I'm not really into parties and messing around; neither do I think life is a romcom and I'm certainly not thinking about another relationship - in fact, being a spinster is far more appealing to me. So, no, you're not bursting any bubble.

 

Also, I am fully aware what my husband is probably thinking/feeling and his concern for me from a Christian p.o.v. I mean, he thinks I'm going to hell, of course that's devastating for him. When I said I've studied the Bible, I wasn't kidding - I understand it completely.

 

Does someone have to be abusive or controlling for you to be unhappy in a relationship? I don't think so, I think you can just be so totally incompatible that it makes you miserable and the best thing you can do is leave.

 

But you're right, it would be a terrible thing to throw away a marriage without thinking it through very carefully. And I'm not going to walk away without doing so. I'm willing to give it time to see how we fare without a shared religion or faith to keep us together and whether there's love without it (on his side as well as mine).

[Beau5]

Just thought it might be helpful to post an update. After a couple of awkward months, my husband and I realised that a shared faith was not the only thing we needed to be happy together. We actually found we had a lot more in common than we ever thought and that having different beliefs was not going to be as much of a problem as we had both thought it would be - in fact, it hardly matters at all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Glad to hear it worked out, happy endings always appreciated...

 

Mr. Lucky

[danny11]

sounds like you should of never married in the first place, religion is good but some people take it different and others at a different time in there life.

 

if your not happy your not happy, but you will break his heart and someone will break yours the game of love is horrible and miserable wether its now or later we all pay