17 years down the drain...starting over

[Kymmi]

Just want to know how to move on after 17 years and 4 kids later. I don't like change, and I am scared that I may never meet someone who will love me. I just got married in August to my partner of 17 years. Since then I have learned that he went to the strippers and received more than a lap dance, as well as been talking to 5 or 6 different girls about meeting up for sexual favors. In OUR family van. So.... ya, I guess prostitutes.

 

 

Never, ever, have I thought this would ever happen to me. Not with this man. I use to be his everything. So, with that being said, how do I move on from this? I met him when I was 17. I never been alone before. He is also making me feel guilty because I no longer have the strength or interest to make this relationship work any longer. I will never be able to look at him the same way again, nor will I ever sleep with him again. I also don't even think he will leave the house, which is going to make it that much harder for me to move on.

 

 

Would love to hear from others on what they did, and how they moved on.

 

 

Thanks!

[jumanji]

I have a great deal of understanding for your position, how it feels to no longer be in that secure relationship and yet to still be living in the same house together.

I find myself in similar waters - 13 years down the track, 3 step children (hers) and one of our own. The marriage has just stopped - of course there's always a long story to go with it but in essence we've stopped be man and wife. Not my choice. There's no external factors - its just us.

I have found that talking to friends, family (if you have), counsellors (even if just for you) and taking time out is helpful...

But it is suddenly a very lonely place to be and I also wonder about the future.

Stay hopeful and in your case remind yourself you deserve someone who can be exclusively yours on all levels - its not a lot to ask - I have never strayed.

More recently I've been doing little things to help myself when we come to sell the house, divide our lives and move on - e.g. just getting books off the shelf and putting them in a box of my stuff. Buying new cutlery and putting into a box for my new place.

We still share the same bed, we still cuddle, we still get along on a daily basis - mostly for the younger one - but its still hollowing.

I can't offer you what it looks like in 3 days, 3 months or 3 years from now but I am happy to share some of the journey.

[PegNosePete]

He is also making me feel guilty because I no longer have the strength or interest to make this relationship work any longer.

He is making you feel guilty when he is the one who cheated on you with strippers and prostitutes? How does that work? Why don't you tell him, how dare you blame me for destroying the marriage when you're the one who has cheating on me with strippers and prostitutes?

 

I also don't even think he will leave the house, which is going to make it that much harder for me to move on.

When you divorce, you will resolve the finances and assets of your marriage with a legally binding court order. Then he will have no choice but to leave (assuming you're granted the house). Until then, yeah, it's his home too so he has no obligation to leave. Unless he is violent or abusive of course.

 

Would love to hear from others on what they did, and how they moved on.

First things first. The marriage is clearly over. You need to see a lawyer and get a divorce.

 

Then you can think about "moving on".

[Friskyone4u]

Kymmi,

 

Like you were just told, first you need to find an attorney and find out your rights. Do not sign ANYTHING without someone qualified seeing it and advising you.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot make him leave the house. And yes that is hard.

 

It sounds like you have just discovered this and what he is doing is not uncommon, namely blaming everyone but himself. And your reaction that this is a deal breaker is also normal. Very few betrayed spouses feel much love for their partner right after discovery. I am not telling you to forgive him ,and even if you wantyed to it means a ton of hard work for both of you.

 

I will tell you that as far as "cheaters" are concerned, it appears he was not in any kind of relationship other than quick sex. I would NOT concentrate on who he cheated with. I do not think you would feel much better if you found out he had 6-7 encounters with neighbors or co workers or friends.

 

At any rate, just make sure you do not do anything legally or financially hurtful, especially if you are a stay at home Mom with four kids. With the divorce rates so high, there are tons of men out there, many also with children. You will not be ALONE forever.

 

Try to stay calm and get to an attorney quick.

[Kymmi]

Thanks guys for your reply! Unfortunately, this is not the first time he has done this. Back in 2009, on our 10 year anniversary, and when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, he met someone online. His excuse for even being on there was because I was sick, and never gave him the attention he needed. He ended up going off with her for 3 months. Still stayed in the house, but he would leave right after work, and come home around 6am the next morning, change his clothes, and then head out to work. He did this for months.

 

 

He has quite the temper, so one day we got in to a fight because I was trying to stop him from leaving. Neighbors heard us fighting and called the police. Due to holes in the walls, he was arrested. I couldn't see him for 6 months. Then he came back, swore up and down he learned from his mistakes, and he wanted his family back. I took him back, and things were good up until this July, 1 mth before our wedding, when he went to the stippers and messed around. I found out in September. After all the apologies, and begging for me not to leave him, now I find this..... conversations with prostitutes.

 

 

I will never trust him again. I don't think I will ever look at him the same way again. This was my breaking point. I do work full time, so even though it will be tight, I can manager on my own. He says he will be out after the holidays, but when he sees that I don't fight for him to stay, he starts with all the anger again, banging the walls, freaking out, claiming that I am the one destroying the family because I am not willing to work things out. I am trying to hold it together for the kids, but he knows how to bring me down. I am thankful that I work, as this is my 'get away' place to pull myself together. And with Christmas around the corner, I cannot afford to seek legal action at this time.

[PegNosePete]

when he sees that I don't fight for him to stay, he starts with all the anger again, banging the walls, freaking out

Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel you or the kids are in any danger whatsoever. With his previous record (even if no charges were filed the cops will have a record of it) it will be looked on very poorly. It may even help to get him out sooner. Courts do not like kids being exposed to danger or to dangerous individuals.

[Kymmi]

That's what I am going to do next time. He has no control over his anger, especially when he knows he is losing me.

[Friskyone4u]

Kymmi

 

All the other stuff can wait. But you must stay physically SAFE . you have four kids.

 

i would get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. And please get the police involved if he punches anything.

[Kymmi]

I'm looking in to that now

[jumanji]

There are plenty of others online in this forum who will be able to help you with the nitty gritty advice on various aspects of separation.

As the previous posters have pointed out (especially once you had highlighted the anger concerns that may be present), keep yourself and your children safe and take the necessary steps if matters escalate.

This forum provides a unique aspect on life - its a place to talk, a place where advice can be found and as a place where you know others have had experiences of breakup... please continue to reach out and use the support.

Wish you well.

[oldshirt]

so you've spent 17 years of your prime with a man who knocked you up 3 times but wouldn't marry you, cheated on you multiple times, used your house to store his clothes and used your shower to wash her booty sweat off his junk, was abusive and violent in your home, has been getting it on with hookers and you're calling this "down the drain"????????

 

 

What kind of messed up thinking is that??? Honey you should be dancing in the streets and doing backflips down the sidewalk celebrating your release and freedom!!!!

 

 

First step here is get a good attorney on the down low and sit down with your attorney and start working out a methodical, step by step game plan on how to get rid of him and get away so you can start new life for yourself.

 

 

Work closely with your attorney and do what your attorney says.

 

 

Also get a good therapist and work with him/her to determine why your self-esteem is so low and you think so low of yourself that you have been willing to accept this kind of treatment and actually feel 'guilt' over trying to improve your life and get away from this Ahole.

 

 

I'm not trying to rub additional salt in your wounds or kick you while you are down, but you're judgment and rational thought processes are obviously off and you are not thinking clearly or acting with enough self-determination or acting in the better interests of your own and your children's well being, so you really need to get some competent, professional guidance in both your legal situation in getting him out of your life and taking care of your children as well getting your own psyche straightened out so you can take of yourself and your children without needing some douche like this around.

 

 

It's really important to get yourself straightened out and get a back bone and get a sense of self-worth and self-determination, otherwise your next dude is going to be just as bad as this one.

 

 

First things first -

 

 

- protect yourself and your children from further harm. find an abused women's shelter or agency if you have to.

 

 

- start working with an attorney and come with game plan to get away.

 

 

- then once you are safe, start working with a competent therapist to work on your self-esteem and other issues so that you can move forward with a new and productive and healthy life without falling back into exploitive and abusing relationships again.

[Kymmi]

Wow. I never really looked at it that way! Yes, he cheated, and yes he has an anger problem, but part of me looked at is this is all part of marriage. Marriage has ups and downs. Plus, of course, I do love him. I can honestly say, I am not in love with him though. I think I fell out awhile ago.

 

 

I know a bit part of why I deal with this is because I didn't want my kids to have a broken family, and I don't like change. He is all I have ever known. My day to day routine is based all around him. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I do have to say though, the more I write on this forum, the more I look pretty silly. All the cheating and the way he treats me sometimes.... and even though he is the guilty one, he constantly hacks in to my cell phone and my facebook account. It's like he is looking for something so he doesn't look like the guilty one.

[PegNosePete]

Don't feel silly - you just have feelings. It's normal. But you have to understand that you can have a much happier life than this. You and your kids deserve better.

 

You need to reinforce the privacy on your phone and facebook. How does he "hack" into them? Change ALL your passwords, and don't use a computer that he has access to.

 

If that's you and your daughter in your profile picture it might be a good idea to change it. Not only is it against this forum's rules, it's a bad idea in general to put that kind of thing on a profile of this nature.

[Kymmi]

Your right, I removed my picture Not use to this forum.

 

 

As far as how he hacks in to my stuff, I have changed my passwords so many times, but he still can get in it. Not sure how, to be honest. It must have something to do with using the same computer. He must somehow me able to trace the path. Right now it's impossible to use a different computer. I wont be able to until he leaves the house.

[LifesontheUp]

Kymmi,

 

I worried about change too. All I ever knew was my xH of 18yrs, been together since young and I thought I would never cope on my own. In fact he would tell me often that would be the case

 

But I did cope, I learnt to survive, look after my own house and bills and learnt to enjoy my life again. When I was least expecting it along came someone who makes me happy. Thank god, I realised I didn't want to be with my ex any longer.

 

Think long and hard. Do you really want to put up with him for the rest of your life? Or do you want to break free and move on to what could be more fulfilling and better?

[Kymmi]

It's crazy how scared I am. Some days I feel ready and a little excited for a change. But then I have days like today that I am starting to panic, and want to reach out to him and make everything better. I look at my 4 kids and feel guilty for being the one to walk away from their dad, and give them a broken home. I grew up with my parents, so I have always wanted that for them.

 

 

It's definitely going to be a challenge. We were only 17 years old when we got together. He is all I have ever known. Letting him completely go is going to be so hard. I picture saying goodbye to him as the kids and I watch him walk out. I start to hyperventilate a bit. Ugh. What a mess I am in.

[PegNosePete]

want to reach out to him and make everything better.

How will "reaching out" make everything better? Will it undo what he has done to you?

 

I look at my 4 kids and feel guilty for being the one to walk away from their dad, and give them a broken home.

What?!?! He cheated on you multiple times. If anyone has "broken" their home, it is him. You have nothing to feel guilty about, for not taking his crap any longer.

 

Plenty of kids grow up just fine with divorced parents. It's not even unusual these days. Much better for them to have 2 happy homes, than 1 miserable one.

[Kymmi]

I feel guilty because he says I didn't try everything to save the marriage. He wants to go to marriage counselling together, and work through this together. I am at the point that I don't know truly if this is what I want. I think I am just scared of a change, as this is going to be a huge change. My life revolved around him for years. I am also scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I know I shouldn't be thinking of dating, but it still does cross my mind. Things like, where do you meet people, is anyone going to want me with 4 kids, what if I get hurt again, am I ever going to love again. Things like that.

 

 

I feel guilty also because I am apparently the reason he went off with that "stripper", who knows who it really is, because he was filled with anger against me for something I had done years ago. Who knows what his real reason is, all I know is I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again, and i'm starting to really think I have fallen out of love.

[PegNosePete]

he says

Don't listen to what he says. Listen to what he does / did.

 

Here is one tip for a successful marriage: don't have sex with prostitutes! The marriage would not require saving in the first place, if he was a decent human being! He is the one who broke the marriage, not you!!! For him to be blaming you for his terribly bad decisions, is totally unacceptable to me.

 

IF you want to save the marriage then you need to tell him that if he can't accept responsibility for his actions, then there is no hope whatsoever. He can't keep on blaming you for his actions. They are his, and his alone. If he can't even own his actions and admit responsibility for them, then there is no hope.

[Kymmi]

True. Well it was apparently a stripper lol. And who knows who she really is anyways. When I do picture us trying to make it work, I will never trust him again. And I can sit here and honestly say, I will never sleep with him again.

My health is way too important to get disease from him.

 

 

I also told him that I am not even slightly interested in going to marriage counselling until he comes clean with everything. He did say that even if he did, I would always believe that there is more he is hiding, or only half believe what he is telling me. He does have a point there. I told him that I do not want to waste anyone's time if everything is not going to come out, or if there are lies.

[PegNosePete]

He did say that even if he did, I would always believe that there is more he is hiding, or only half believe what he is telling me.

Well, that's just manipulative bullcrap. If he actually gave 2 short ships about saving the marriage then he would be fully confessing and begging for forgiveness. And I don't see him on his knees.

 

Sorry I don't see any alternative than divorce for you here. There's not even anything to be gained by discussing it with him any more. Just see a lawyer and file. You just need to ignore all the utter rubbish he is spouting and remember that he is the one who caused this, and his actions broke your family. Don't even enter into that discussion with him. Learn to embrace the phrase "talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening".

[oldshirt]

None of any of that matters.

 

He is toxic.

 

Toxic means it's worse to have him in your life than not. It means you will be better without him even if never have another relationship again (which is completely and totally unrealistic, but even if it were true, you would still be better off alone than with him)

 

 

There are too many things wrong with what he says and does to go through everything point by point. So for the sake of brevity let's agree that everything he says and does is all crap and has virtually no merit.

 

 

Everything that comes out of his mout, you need to hear as a muffled background white noise that goes blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

He is a bum and not worthy of taking anything he says into consideration. He is a nonentity.

[Kymmi]

Thanks guys. I actually really needed to hear that today. I found a piece of paper stuffed in my glove box, wrapped in other paper. It was blood work to check for STDs. AGAIN! He has been going every 2 weeks. This "incident" that happened in June, everything came back clean. He told me that he is just paranoid, and wants to make sure hes fine. However, why is he still doing tests and hiding them from me? I can only assume he is still sexually active. I also learned that he has a new cell number that I didn't even know about. Boy, things really don't look good. I don't even know who he is anymore.

[123321]

Every year that passes is 'down the drain'.

[oldshirt]

Every year that passes is 'down the drain'.

 

I totally agree with the above statement.

 

I am 51 years old and I have had several serious LTR s over the years that came to an end.

 

I do not have any regrets over any of the relationships ending. I do not hold any bitterness or contempt towards those who cheated on me or dumped me.

 

The regrets that I have is the time I wasted and the emotional energy and effort I wasted from the time I found out the relationship was in the Shi^^er untill the time I finally moved on.

 

The bitterness and contempt I feel are towards myself for trying to "work things out" with people who betrayed me and were treating me bad.

 

In the future you will not regret that your marriage ended, nor will you resent your STBX. What will regret is each passing day that you know he is bad for you but yet you still stay with him. Those are the days that will be down the drain and wasted. Those are the days that you will regret. And it won't be his azz that you will want to kick for that wasted time. It will be your own.