jumanji Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 Hi Kymmi Glad everything went well for you and it sounds like you all had a great time... in Oz it hit 35 degrees celsius so its the usual shorts, BBQ prawns, cold meats, beer and salad weather. Turkey sometimes makes an appearance but not this year... The house is still in a mess... we had Nerf gun battles through the house and outside and the floor is a lego brick minefield for the feet.. Hope your Turkey worked out ok... if not then I hope you had a giggle about it... Good work on enjoying a successful Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted December 26, 2015 Author Share Posted December 26, 2015 Your house sounds like mine, except ours was laser tag lol. I didnt realize how out of shape I was until I started playing the game lol. My house is still a mess, but I said forget it. We have the next few days off, so we can clean it later. My turkey turned out great! It's amazing what you can do when your forced to do it. I guess there are some good things out of this after all. I have learned how to fix quite a few things around the house, including oil changes and tire changes on my vehicle lol. I never needed to learn it, no I do. Your weather sounds so good out there! Here in Canada, it's actually not too bad. I think it reached 15 degrees yesterday, and 8 today. The kids were out on their bikes and skateboards. This is the first year we havent been snowboarding, skating, or tubing. Kind of sucks, but the snow is on its way! Have a great New Years if I dont hear from you before then 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jumanji Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I see you've got your photo back up on your profile. Sounds like your confidence is building and you had a great Christmas and you succeeded with the turkey... All good steps for you as a person... Do you have anything planned for New Years Eve at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Yup, decided to put a photo up lol. I see you have yours up also. Nice photo! I figured I would come out of the hiding and let people see who Kymmi is lol. My turkey turned out great, other than it took longer than I had anticipated, so all the veggies and potatoes went cold lol. But other than that, it was good This time off has been spend putting my house back together. I'm doing some little renos in each room. It's actually quite fun! For New Years I'm not doing much. Just spending it with the kids. I don't drink, other than a glass of wine once in awhile, and I am not in to the whole partying theme, so a few games is on the agenda. They just got the game Pie Face, and some jelly bean game where there are different flavours like dirty socks, and dog poop. Don't ask lol. Any plans for you guys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jumanji Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Funnily enough while I like a drink of wine or a scotch & coke I'm a bit over the NYE 'must' party stuff... Thanks for the photo compliment as well (I was thinking the same about yours!) I used to do the party scene for years but these days I'm happy enough watching the fireworks on TV and playing with the little bloke... I took him to the Melbourne fireworks 2 years back and it was just way too crowded... there's about 4 million people in Melb and I think all of them were there that night... well maybe not. My wife (and I guess she is at some point in 2016 will become my ex-wife) will probably find some party to go to which will be good - it will keep the house to myself and have a bit of space. I've got a party on the 1st and a wedding on the 2cnd and band rehearsal on the 3rd... back to work on the 4th... I'd be happy for you to have my Facebook details & leave it up to you if you'd like to be friends there but I don't think there's a way to send you the details through - I couldn't see a PM option I can access. Anyway keep smiling - can chat and support you on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Sounds like you have things for the next few days to keep you busy! That's good. That's what I'm trying to do. I don't go back to work till Tuesday, but I am ready to go now lol. When it's quiet, I tend to think, which then turns to a very sad day. I did check out the options, and there is no private messaging available. I dont know why? I thought maybe because I am a fairly new user, but it looks like you have been on here for a few years. Can you private message anyone else, or is it just me? I would love to add you on facebook, just have to figure out how.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cja Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Kymmi, I'm very sympathetic to your situation and I can see from your writing and interactions with others that you are scarred, embarrassed and desperate. That's okay, you initially came here because you know you need to change. A Chinese proverb I always go back to is "fall down seven times, but get back up eight." You remind me a bit of my mom, only she had five kids not four. She didn't end up leaving my dad until after having an affair and that blowing up in a spectacular fashion (obviously, in a sad way). My dad was removed from our home by the police, she never called but the neighbors eventually did. And that affair my mother had only set her back.... A lot. It negatively impacted her self esteem even more, it affected all of us kids as she only got herself in another toxic situation and ended up sort of abandoning her children for a time. She eventually found her way out and now she is doing well but I think it took longer than necessary because she got out of one bad situation by more codependent thinking (believing a new man would "rescue" her) And her codependency is what kept her stuck in the first place. I hear a lot of speculation from you about who will want you and what kind of relationship will you ever get if you leave this one, etc. but this thinking is NOT helpful and in fact counterproductive. The possibility of a new relationship should not factor into your choices and decisions AT ALL. The possibility of showing your beautiful children a better version of yourself, one who can do without codependency, is a much healthier focus, in my opinion. The only person who can save you is the woman who greets you in the mirror every morning and every night. I wish you and your children the very best. It's okay to stumble but you owe it to yourself and your kids to know your worth on your own two feet. I am on this journey as well and I truly do wish you well. Edited January 8, 2016 by cja 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 You are right, I need to not worry about being with someone. I dont know why my mind goes there, but it does. I was with him since I was 17. I have never been alone. I know I have 4 kids, but I mean alone without the comfort of a partner. It's scary for me. I'm not out there looking by any means. It just crosses my mind. I was hoping we could have worked things out, but this has happened too many times. The trust is completely gone. No matter how much you love someone, you need the trust to have things work. It's crazy how quickly your life can turn upside down. We just got married on August 1st after 17 years. We should have been celebrating our first Christmas and New Years as husband and wife. The holidays were really hard on me. I'm trying to look at 2016 as fresh new start. It doesnt have to be so dark and scary. I'm trying to look at it in a whole new way. I'm making a lot of changes to help change my way of thinking. praying that things will only go up from here Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) There are divorced guys with kids too. Some of us have been through difficult life changing situations as well. I'm not sure how well I could relate to a single woman with no kids. Another divorced mom who had been through difficulty might be better able to relate to what I had been through and would also automatically understand my own child's priority level in my life and I would understand her priorities. And, the formula is simple. Put your kids first. Stay involved with them and their activities. Through that you will inevitably run into single fathers who are trying to remain a part of their kid's life. It may not be common but it's not rare either. My divorce is over and done, long enough ago that I can contemplate this stuff now. So, I'm reading the "dating" and "in search of" sections of this message board sometimes in addition to the divorce section. Funny thing is, people here are afraid if they leave no one will want them. People on "dating" and "in search of deeply" want someone but have a hard time meeting anyone. Your situation has clearly crossed the line of being totally unacceptable. Even if it doesn't directly effect the kids, staying in a satiation like this will take a huge toll on you. That will effect the kids. He repeatedly did what he did without taking you or the kids into consideration. Now you need to do what is right for you and the kids. If you get yourself into the right space mentally, this should not even be a choice you have to make. He has basically forced your hand by creating a totally unacceptable situation. By process of elimination, you have only one path forward. . Edited January 11, 2016 by testmeasure 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naively.Sensitive Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Just want to know how to move on after 17 years and 4 kids later. I don't like change, and I am scared that I may never meet someone who will love me. I just got married in August to my partner of 17 years. Since then I have learned that he went to the strippers and received more than a lap dance, as well as been talking to 5 or 6 different girls about meeting up for sexual favors. In OUR family van. So.... ya, I guess prostitutes. Never, ever, have I thought this would ever happen to me. Not with this man. I use to be his everything. So, with that being said, how do I move on from this? I met him when I was 17. I never been alone before. He is also making me feel guilty because I no longer have the strength or interest to make this relationship work any longer. I will never be able to look at him the same way again, nor will I ever sleep with him again. I also don't even think he will leave the house, which is going to make it that much harder for me to move on. Would love to hear from others on what they did, and how they moved on. Thanks! Hello Kymmi, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. My wife had an affair and I'm also considering divorce. We are also living in the same house but in separate bedrooms. Do you live in a state with a law about communal property? If you decide to file for divorce, will you be entitled to half (or somewhere around that percentage) of the communal assets? If so, then that could be your source of sustenance, going forward. Are you working and have a stable job? Have you and your husband talked about his cheating or counseled? Is there hope without you compromising your basic needs? I mean its not too much to ask for, when you ask for a faithful spouse who loves you. You should not have to compromise these basic needs in a spouse. Wishing you the very best in your life, to live a happy life and the best outcome of the relationship with your husband. When I say best, I'm referring to what is best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 I am putting the kids first, and I feel guilty for saying this, but I still have this emptiness that my kids cannot fill. It's not really like I am just single now. We have had many years of ups and downs. We never really were the same after he had his first affair in 2009. Yes, I should have never married him, but my instinct as a mother was to make everything okay so the kids can have their mom and dad. I didn't want to raise them in a broken home, no matter how common it is, and how they would have been okay. I havent felt the love in a long time. I am missing that look that someone who loves you has in their eyes every time they look at you. I miss the butterflies in my tummy. I miss just overall feeling that I am loved, and being in love. That's why people tell me to slow down because it's all new. No, its actually not new. I have been missing this for a very long time. It just seems that no one is faithful any more. It's so easy to start up a conversation and become a little too much flirtatious with having the internet in the palm of our hands. People fall out of love, I get that. But just communicate, and at least separate first before going off and doing all the wrong things. I know with him, he can't survive very well without my income, which is another reason why he would have stayed; kids and money. He has been sleeping on the couch for over 2 months. He had a place lined up Jan 1st, but couldnt gather the first and last month rent in time. Now he has another place for feb 1st. All I can do is pray that he goes. I can't get over him and fully move on when he is under the same roof. I have been pretty much living in my bedroom so I am not around him. He makes me sick every time I look at him. And today is one of my rough days, so I am going to head out somewhere for the day so I can breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 He had a place lined up Jan 1st, but couldnt gather the first and last month rent in time. Now he has another place for feb 1st. All I can do is pray that he goes. On Feb 1st it will be the same story. And again the same story on Mar 1st. Then Apr 1st. This time next year he'll still be there. Praying is all well and good but things will not change unless you take positive action to end the marriage. That means see a lawyer, file for divorce, get a possession order or restraining order if he even puts the slightest foot wrong. Or you can carry on with things how they are for the foreseeable future. He has zero motivation to change the status quo. He is perfectly happy for things to remain exactly as they are. Are you?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 He actually moved out Feb 1st. He is already seeing someone, which is killing me. At first, I was filled with so much anger, that I didnt ever want him back. Now, I am just left with emptiness, sadness, and hurt. I wish none of this happened. The emptiness is sometime too painful to deal with... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) Look up info on serial cheater. Not fixable. If you haven't file ASAP. I'm very sorry you're here. You deserve better and so do your children. Edited February 29, 2016 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 I have a meeting with a divorce attorney this week. Sucks, but I know what I have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 You are young. Don't waste anymore time in this. Make your life what you want. It's not easy but if you can make a solid plan and follow it so worthwhile. Make sure you get as much compensation out of the divorce as you can. You'll need it. Do not back down. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doneinne Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 You are beautiful, don't waste your time worrying about him, it is his loss. There are good guys out there. I have similar feelings as you. My wife has cheated on me more then once in the past. I stayed with her, but now we are merely friends living together. The thought of being alone scares me. Keep your head up and remember you are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kymmi Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Thank you Sorry to hear about your situation. It is never easy. You will reach the point where you can't take it anymore. That's what happened with me. I cry every night wishing things were different. It just takes time. I also stay up at night picturing him with someone else. Everyone says it would be good for him to find someone. Let him be someone else's problem. But the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I guess it's just time. And I am not a very patient person lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Mundo Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I've been following your post. Its tough and at times it feels as if the world is crushing you. Never give up, and never stop beliving you will be fine and you will be happy again. You are not the one that is damaged, he is. For those of us that have to deal with our STBX crap, its tough. We WILL be better off because we deserver better and we WILL find it. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year but it WILL come. I was married almost 18 years and with my STBX for a little over 20. Its tough and there are days I feel gutted, but it wont last forever. Keep your head up and never let him see you down. Yor kids are the foundation and will make you strong, if not for yourself then for them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 He is messed up. He just threw away a wonderful wife, children and a family unit as one, for what? He's selfish! Grieve the loss. You weren't expecting him to be a dud and not be a faithful husband. You didn't go into your marriage and spend 17 years with the guy for it to turn out like this, it's okay to be upset, to be angry, to be hurt and scared too. He's all you know and it IS scary to start over and be on your own. The thing is, you won't be 'alone'. You have your kids, you have family, you have friends. You have "you". You'll learn how to be independent, self sufficient, and strong. All good things in the long run. My suggestion is, seek counseling to help you cope with the changes, and so you grieve too, a therapist can help you so much. I just hope for the kids sake he will respectfully co parent with you and not be mean or play a game. Talk to a lawyer and make sure you're protected. Link to post Share on other sites
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