17 years down the drain...starting over

[RightThere]

He did say that even if he did, I would always believe that there is more he is hiding, or only half believe what he is telling me. He does have a point there.

 

No, he doesn't have a point. That is exactly what someone who is only going to half tell you the truth will say to you.

 

Anyone who would truly want to come clean, would do so and not make you feel guilty that you don't trust them.

 

He's untrustworthy, BECAUSE HE'S A CONSTANT LIAR.

[PegNosePete]

In the future you will not regret that your marriage ended, nor will you resent your STBX. What will regret is each passing day that you know he is bad for you but yet you still stay with him. Those are the days that will be down the drain and wasted. Those are the days that you will regret. And it won't be his azz that you will want to kick for that wasted time. It will be your own.

Quoted for truth!! You don't have any control over other people's actions. The only choices you have are how you respond to them.

 

Kick this lying idiot to the curb. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

[Kymmi]

I'm trying to get him out, but he wont leave. I know one phone call to the police he will be arrested due to his temper, however, I do not want the kids to see him being taken away by cops.

 

 

Things are really getting out of control. He took my smart phone and wont give me the wifi password because he doesn't want me to have any access to the internet in fear that I will meet someone. That is the LAST thing on my mind! So the only time I can go online is at work on my work computer, or use the one computer in the home that he knows how to trace every move I make. He has this fantasy built up in his head that Im leaving him because there is another guy in the picture. Why is it that the guilty ones act like this. What does someone like me do if he wont leave. I have 4 kids and 2 dogs. I can't just pack a couple of bags and leave the house with no where to go.

[PegNosePete]

What does someone like me do if he wont leave.

See a lawyer and file for divorce.

[jumanji]

Stay strong and see the course. From what I've read in your (and others) posts there's not a marriage to salvage here... What needs to be salvaged here is your life choices - take stock in a better life for you and your children. If I ask myself would I want this kind of man for my daughter and the answer is simply no...

Use whatever support strategies work the best and stay safe.

And as another poster pointed out - the chances of not having another meaningful relationship in your life is somewhat remote... However distant and lonely things might seem now.

Take care...

[StBreton]

See a lawyer and file for divorce.

 

 

File for divorce...ask for temporary orders for child support and custody of the family home. He should leave not you...judges will side with you...especially in light of his temper/past behavior...and your having 4 young children.

 

This his how things are handled in my state anyway. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain OP. There's so much good advice on here by PNPete and others...please take it. Do what is best for your kids because this is really a bad situation for them...that is if you can't do it for yourself.

 

I know you're afraid that you won't find anyone who will love you in the future...but your husband does not love you...that is for certain. Aren't you better off not dealing with this guy's crazy business?? If you're religious at all, join a divorce care group through your church to get through the emotional stuff as you're feeling really fragile about being alone after being with someone since 17. Good luck

Edited December 13, 2015 by StBreton

[StBreton]

I'm trying to get him out, but he wont leave. Simple...go to the court and file for divorce and ask for temporary custody of the family home! (Not sure if that is the exact terminology...ask the court) I know one phone call to the police he will be arrested due to his temper, however, I do not want the kids to see him being taken away by cops. If you get a restraining order against him, have the police come after you've taken the children to a relative's house or babysitter.

 

 

Things are really getting out of control. He took my smart phone Huh??! and wont give me the wifi password because he doesn't want me to have any access to the internet in fear that I will meet someone. Cheaters always go to this way of thinking. That is the LAST thing on my mind! So the only time I can go online is at work on my work computer, or use the one computer in the home that he knows how to trace every move I make. He probably has some keystroke tracking device on the computer. What a control freak ... and he's the cheater! Wow. He has this fantasy built up in his head that Im leaving him because there is another guy in the picture. Why is it that the guilty ones act like this. What does someone like me do if he wont leave. I have 4 kids and 2 dogs. I can't just pack a couple of bags and leave the house with no where to go.

 

 

OP...I'm recently divorced after 18 years with someone. I have 2 kids and 2 dogs. It is not easy ... but I'm getting through it little by little...and one of the reasons I spend a lot of time on this forum is to get myself completely strong again...so I don't feel so alone in it all...and so much good advice on here is helping to move me forward. You can do this...you can be in a better place...it is the not end if you leave this amoral husband of yours...but it'll be the end of accepting a lot of bad behavior in your life.

[Kymmi]

That's why I have turned to this site as well. To help get through this, get some advice, and not feel so alone. I feel guilty for feeling alone when I have 4 kids. But I cant help it. I just lost a piece of my heart. I also can't help feel a little guilty because he told me that I wasn't affectionate with him, or made him feel like I loved him. I start to think about I wasn't a good wife, so of course he's going to go.

 

 

He informed me yesterday that he has found a place, and is moving in 2 weeks. I'm not sure how he is going to do so, as he has no money. I had to give him 10 bucks so he can buy smokes. But I didn't ask questions.

 

 

I have started back up at church again, which I am so thankful. This feels like my savior place, and everyone is absolutely wonderful. I am trying to look at all of this as a blessing. That this is God's way of leading me to something better for the kids and I, instead of looking at it as a long, dark, lonely path to nowhere.

 

 

It is going to be very difficult financially, especially learning about my vehicle and hydro. The 2 things I asked him to take care of. I received registered mail a month ago from the bank stating that they need 18,000 in 2 days. I called them and found out he hasn't made any payments since August. I also just received a disconnection notice from my hydro company demanding 2800, as he hasn't paid that since august. I was thankful to be able to work out payment arrangements with both companies! If I lose my vehicle, I lose my job.

 

 

Looking back at all my comments, I really do sound pretty pathetic that I am so hurt over losing my husband. If it was any other woman writing this, I would be the first to tell them to MOVE on. LET HIM GO! It's funny how it works when its actually yourself going through it. And I fight my urge to text him to try to work things out. To try to go back to the way things use to be. A huge part of me just wants this all to be a nightmare, and go back to the good times. A part of me believes that we can work past this. I think that is my "mother" instinct to keep her family together.

[jumanji]

Relationships are a funny thing - they involve the whole of body, mind, soul and spirit and ending a relationship - even a bad one, can feel incredibly difficult. There is simply the unknown uncharted waters ahead however with taking control you are now steering the ship solo - this is your journey to venture.

But Don't be hard on yourself, allow yourself the space to breath, recover and when you're ready you'll find yourself again.

There are very few people who can place their hand on their heart and with all honesty say I've never had to think twice.

[Kymmi]

Thanks Jumanji. If I can just get over this guilty feeling, and the urge to make everything better, than it would help me a whole lot to move on. I'm fighting with a big part of me to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend none of this happened. And during all of this, I sit at night and think of all the good times, which makes me want to reach for the phone so bad. But I know, deep down, that I have to walk away this time. It has been nothing but lies after lies, and I don't look at him the same anymore. And he is filled with so much anger. He knows this is over, and blaming me helps him sleep at night, I guess. I just think back on this time last year. Boy, was it ever so different. We were all happy. This was suppose to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but instead, this will be our first Christmas apart in 17 years. Feeling a lot of emotions right now. It's like i'm on a really bad roller coaster that I just want to get off.

[Jersey born raised]

I liked one of your post because it showed you have the ability to step back and review and judge your own written thoughts. Keep it up, it will up you deal with all the blameshiftimg and gaslightimg he will engage in going forward.

[Kymmi]

Well, today, I found some pretty disturbing emails dated back from 2014. He has been talking to a few girls, but one girl more than others. He sent her inappropriate pictures, lots of sex talk, and I believe they met up, but not 100% sure. It stopped in Feb of this year, and then he reached out to her just in sept, after we got married, which was august 1st.

 

I did confront him, and, of course, he had every excuse in the book of why he did it. I also found another email to a health clinic asking about different STDs he can catch due to heavy kissing, unprotected oral sex, and protected sex with a sex worker. It didn't say when it took place though. And, of course, he said that none of that happened, and that he only received oral sex this past june and wanted to find out the worst case scenario, even though it didnt go that far LOL.

 

He is so mad, screaming and yelling, saying that he never wanted any of this, but I never made him feel that I loved him enough. I never kissed him enough, or showed enough affection towards him. UGH! He still knows how to get to me. To get me to start feeling like this is partly my fault. On a positive note, he apparently has a place lined up for Jan 1st, although he said I probably am going to rob him for every thing he makes, and now he can't move.

 

How can someone make me feel guilty when they are the guilty one??

[PegNosePete]

He is so mad, screaming and yelling, saying that he never wanted any of this, but I never made him feel that I loved him enough. I never kissed him enough, or showed enough affection towards him. UGH! He still knows how to get to me. To get me to start feeling like this is partly my fault.

You need to embrace the advice I gave you earlier and make your standard response "talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening".

 

Everything that comes out of his mouth is lies and vitriol. If you listen to it you will become poisoned and the truth will become distorted. DO NOT LISTEN and do not engage him in any kind of conversation at all.

 

On a positive note, he apparently has a place lined up for Jan 1st, although he said I probably am going to rob him for every thing he makes, and now he can't move.

Great that he has somewhere. In that case, if I were you I'd simply not rock the boat until he is gone. See a lawyer and line up your ducks, but don't file for divorce yet, don't get a restraining order or any other kind of order. As soon as he's gone, file.

 

Of course if he doesn't move after all, then you hit him with all the paperwork you possibly can, on the day after he was supposed to be going.

[jumanji]

Kymmi, This isn't an easy process... anyone who has personally invested in a relationship does not walk away from it without feeling the roller coaster journey. The emotions can be intense and the sense of loneliness you feel (even with your kids around) can be very draining. This forum is your lifeline to the wider world where unfortunately divorce rates are climbing - the positive to that (if one can find any) is that there are a great number of men and women on here who can give you an ear and quality feedback.

 

 

A 17 years though, if he's been unfaithful (and you probably only know about a small % of the times he has been) and he is causing you and/or the children grief then there is only one course of action you can take.

 

 

In relation to his comments about not feeling loved enough by you - well you've had 4 children with him and I'd say that's pretty committed...

I've also never heard of a man going to a prostitute for just cuddles and family love - its sex, pure and simple.

 

 

As bitter as it may be PegNosePete is right that you need to take the steps to secure your 'new world' and to make each stage occur at its appropriate time where it keeps you and the kids the safest and minimises the acrimony.

I'm assuming you are in the USA, whereas our laws in Australia operate differently, but none the less they are designed to secure the safety of all concerned.

 

 

Take your time to sort your head out & continue use whatever support services are there. Grieve as much as you need to , regardless of the type of relationship it was, it probably feels like a loss.

When you look in the mirror, realise and understand you have value to offer another person when youre ready time, someone who can appreciate what your partner has not.

 

 

At 17 years you have invested a lot and you can holed your head up high to say you've tried your best - by all I've read so far though its time to kick your heals and let go...

[Kymmi]

I'm in Canada. We have a lot of resources available, should he not go quietly. However, he is apparently leaving on Jan 1st. The kids and I have been spending some nights at my parents place to help keep things calm.

 

As far as infidelity, this has been an ongoing thing for many years. He is aware that he needs help, and I am really hoping that the time away he will

seek all the help that he needs to get. In the meantime, I am going to move forward with my life, and try not to worry about what the future will bring.

 

I will be honest, not that I want any kind of relationship right now, but I do think about it from time to time. What if I let him go and he finds someone and I am all alone. I know that is no reason to stay with someone, but that has crossed my mind. It has also crossed my mind about maybe never finding someone, and being alone. I know I shouldnt worry about that, but i do. I'm also worried that I will never find someone who will be faithful. It's going to be hard to ever trust again, because right now, I don't think I ever will.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm in Canada. We have a lot of resources available, should he not go quietly. However, he is apparently leaving on Jan 1st. The kids and I have been spending some nights at my parents place to help keep things calm.

 

As far as infidelity, this has been an ongoing thing for many years. He is aware that he needs help, and I am really hoping that the time away he will

seek all the help that he needs to get. In the meantime, I am going to move forward with my life, and try not to worry about what the future will bring.

 

I will be honest, not that I want any kind of relationship right now, but I do think about it from time to time. What if I let him go and he finds someone and I am all alone. I know that is no reason to stay with someone, but that has crossed my mind. It has also crossed my mind about maybe never finding someone, and being alone. I know I shouldnt worry about that, but i do. I'm also worried that I will never find someone who will be faithful. It's going to be hard to ever trust again, because right now, I don't think I ever will.

 

I was with my xH 18 years and thought I would never survive on my own, it was all that I knew.

 

But you know what, I did survive and I believe you will too Kymmi. Just have faith, believe in yourself and remember that you don't have to put up with him much longer.

 

Time is a healer, and I realised that I preferred the peace, the calm. Many years down the road, I'm remarried and have a child with another on the way. Life is good and it can be for you too

[Kymmi]

I love reading posts like that. It makes it a bit easier to know that things can get better in time. Even though he has put me through hell, I can't help but sit up in my room and think back to this time last year. I had no idea he was emailing these girls, but we seemed happy. This was the first Christmas since I was 17 that I have gone christmas shopping by myself, wrapped all the gifts, watch the christmas movies, and it will be the first christmas spent without him. It is taking every ounce of me not to run back to him and pretend none of this happened. I don't know if it's because I am scared of the change, just trying to put my family back together, or both. I know if I run back, I will never, ever trust him again, nor will I ever sleep with him again, and that is not fair to him. That is not a proper relationship. I'm so hurt, and so angry that he just throw away everything that we worked so hard on, for so long. He threw away a family, which he has always wanted. It's going to be a long night, as i sit her drinking wine, and drowning in my own self pity

[testmeasure]

As far as how he hacks in to my stuff, I have changed my passwords so many times, but he still can get in it. Not sure how, to be honest. It must have something to do with using the same computer. He must somehow me able to trace the path. Right now it's impossible to use a different computer. I wont be able to until he leaves the house.

 

 

 

(1) Don't type the passwords sequentially.

 

 

(2) Never type the passwords sequentially.

 

 

Suppose your password is "bl3rbl"

 

 

Type "blrbl" then click the cursor back into to where it is right after the first two characters and type the 3.

 

 

If he has a keystroke logger, he will record "blrbl3".

 

 

It is easy to create a keystroke logger that captures whatever you type.

 

 

The software could also easily log X/Y coordinates of where you mouse click. What is incredibly much harder to figure out is exactly what was at those X/Y coordinates when you clicked them and what effect your click had on the web page.

 

 

Another option could be not to type at all. Say you navigate to loveshack and then highlight "shack" and right click copy and paste it into the password field and then highlight "love" and paste it into the password field, effectively making your password "shacklove".

 

 

(3) Whatever you do, never type the password sequentially, not even once.

 

 

 

 

My examples are simplistic for ease of understanding. I'm not saying they are good or strong passwords. Once you have the idea you can use it to create more complex and sophisticated passwords with clicking into the middle of what you have already typed multiple places or copying and pasting partial words into the middle of other words. As long as you never even once type the actual password in sequence.

 

 

And I'm assuming your not allowing the shared computer to save your passwords in a password file so that you don't even have to type in a password to log in from that shared computer. Always say no to that if it prompts you. (Hopefully that's more obvious than my prior advice.)

 

 

 

I should add, sorry about the overall problem. Don't imagine the world as it could or should be and allow yourself to emotionally react to that. People do this all the time "I want to go to the beach but I have to go to work". That wanting to go to the beach only happens because you are imagining a pretend world where there is no consequence to that action. In the real world where there are consequences, you actually "want to go to work because you have to go to work". It sounds like you need to face facts and if you stay focused on the world the way it is, the way things actually are, and don't let your mind drift to how things "should" or "could" be. If you can do that, your emotions will respond to the true fact of the matter, and hopefully give you what you need to move in the right direction.

 

 

.

Edited December 21, 2015 by testmeasure

[Kymmi]

You're absolutely right! I have to stop dwelling on the "Should" and "Coulds", and move forward. The only thing I have to figure out is how to train myself to think like that. I also have to train myself not to let him pull my heartstrings. Last night he broke down in tears, expressing how sorry he is, and he knows he messed up big time, and this is it. There has been a long history of this, and I have reached my breaking point. He did admit that he has no idea why he does this, but doesn't want to get the help he needs because he said he will never be back with me, as I deserve better, so there is no point in getting help. This is where "touch love" is going to come to play. I'm going to have to let him go so he can spend time on his own and maybe get some help. I have to believe that the kids and I are going to be okay

As far as him hacking in to my stuff on the computer, I think he traces the cookies, if that makes sense?

[PegNosePete]

You need to embrace the advice I gave you earlier and make your standard response "talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening".

Last night he broke down in tears, expressing how sorry he is, and he knows he messed up big time, and this is it.

... sigh...

 

He did admit that he has no idea why he does this

At this point, his motivations are not an issue. The only question I have, is why YOU are allowing him to keep on doing this to YOU? It's like a stuck record. You keep falling for the same thing over and over and over. And that is why he keeps doing it. Because it works.

[Kymmi]

I think it's because of a few different reasons. I stay because I want to give my kids a family. I stay because he is all I have ever known. I stay because I do love him. And I stay because I am afraid of change.

 

 

I do think about letting him walk out that door and he's free to go find someone to be with. I'm afraid that he will move on happily and I am still

alone, sad. I wanted to be the one who made him laugh, and grow old with him. That's what he always wanted as well, but he did admit that maybe he just wanted his cake and eat it too. He said last night that he finally woke up and realized what he had, and none of these girls gave him what him what he thought he was lacking.

 

 

Either way, at the end of the day, I need to let him go. As hard as this is going to be, all I can do is believe that there is something better out there for me.

[jumanji]

Hey Kymmi

 

There is definitely better out there for you. Whatever you feel about yourself and the forthcoming 'holiday' season there is definitely a better world for you beyond this experience.

 

This year is also the first year I will spend Xmas apart from my wife... Most of her family live in Mebourne (where we currently live). My family live in Way up north past Brisbane... This year we will wake to do the presents like normal in the house we have shared for the last 11 years with everyone but then instead of being together she will be leaving to be with her family (which to some degree was also mine in Melbourne - another sad part of the separation).

 

I've agreed that our boy should go with her to her family as well because they are his family and he deserves to have a normal xmas and grandparents spoil their grandkids.

 

When my wife and I met she had 3 children from a previous marriage under 10... She had left her previous husband due to reasons not to dissimilar to your own. The short version is I fell for her and over time became the 'live in' dad for the kids... She had been separated about 2 years when we first started the relationship. Now we have a child of our own which we both had the joy of bringing to the the world and I would not change that experience for anything... We've grown apart... That's something both of us could've influenced.

 

Feeling the loneliness is normal, and it's in these difficult times I think we almost crave the comfort of another human being the most. The comfort of what we've known seems exceptionally attractive but the truth is you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for... Your comments show you know where you are, what you need to do and I have faith you will find what you need now and also into the future when this all has some distance behind you.

 

If I don't write again before the 25th have yourself (and the kids) the best Christmas you can make it be...

[Kymmi]

Hey Jumanji,

 

Going through a separation sucks, no matter when it happens. It just really sucks when its Christmas time, which is my favourite time of the year. It will be the first Christmas in 17 years. I try not to feel alone, but it's so hard not sharing the season with a partner.

 

As far as facebook, I have a lot of friends, but I only message a few of them when I am having one of my low times. A lot of them are married and have kids, and I just dont want to be a burden on them. This is one of the reasons why I like this site so much. It allows me to open up and get some really good advice. It really does help get another perspective on this kind of stuff. It allows me no to keep everything bottled up all the time

 

Have a great Christmas as well if I dont talk to you before. Looks like it will be both of our first holiday spend alone. Thank goodness for this site

[jumanji]

Hi Kymmi and family,

 

On the off chance you decide to look at this forum today have a great Christmas Day with your kids.

We've already had the usual morning Christmas presents and piles of paper, cardboard and other mess (like spilled breakfast) that go with it.

Our little boy has had a blast so far.

I am guessing given the time difference between our 2 countries you guys will still be sleeping as I type this - it's about 10:30 am Xmas day here.

 

Have a laugh, smile a lot & feel confident in yourself - there are a lot of good people out there who wish you the very best....

[Kymmi]

Merry Christmas, Jumanji!! It turned out a good success considering the situation I am in. Seeing how happy the kids are made it that much better!

Despite what I am going through, it turned out great!

 

Sounds like you guys had a successful Christmas! So glad to hear!

The time here is 10am, so we are all finished, and cleaning up the mess!

This is the longest part of the whole thing LOL.

 

Enjoy the rest of the day! Are you having a turkey dinner?

This is the first time I have ever cooked one, so wish me luck lol!