Why there are so many 20-30 y.o. "forever alone" people?

[Vilgefoz]

Hi,

 

as title says, I have been thinking about this rather massive fenomenon .

 

Browsing through other social media I have seen armies of young men (sometimes women, but I think rather rarely) who claim "never had a relationship" in their 20's, late 20's 30's etc. Usually very frustrated and unhappy.

 

Now I ask: why is it so?

 

 

 

One common explanation (that I disagree with) is that technology is making people less social. I dissagree because technology is meant for communication. Like this forum for instance - how else would you possibly talk about your intimate life with 40 y.o. womam from Peru if not using Loveshack or smt. similar? Facebook, 9gag, linkedin, dating sites... everything makes contact easyer. Even computer games makes a lot of friends.

 

 

My explanation: (remember I am talking about YOUNG people, no middle aged-older ones with settled way of life).

 

a)it's about change of value, soocial dynamcs and lifestyle. Simply spoken, people are confused. On the one hand it's difficult to have stable friends, acquaintances simply because you change your way of life and your values so quickly. 100 years ago you would live in small town/village for the most of your life, with predictable life knowing exactly where you belong and who you probably going to be with... Today, you are unsure of everything. What is your social position? (insecurity). What do you deserve? (ego) What future brings you? (fear). As a result, you don't understand yourself and above all, you don't understand other people...

 

 

b) You simply have so many options today that no one is good enough for you. One day you meet somebody but next day you might meet somebody better. So instead of focusing on developing lasting relationships with people you already have around you, you constanty pursue something better for yourself...

 

c) social pressure and media. There is very clear picture of who you need to be in order to be "attractive" - well shaped body, nice face, fashionable, successful, monetary strong... It's clear far not everybody can fit into this and if you don't, you are average and average means uninteresting!

 

Once more, remeber I am talking of people 20-35.

 

What are your toughts? Does it make sense?

 

 

addentum: I think a)-c) points are pretty much reason why there are so many divorces nowadays... (official statistics say 40% of marriages end up in divorce - you simply choose your partner but as life goes on, you change your preferences because of your life changes so much and so does your patner. Moreover, you find another person who simply suits more your needs. And here you go: divorce. Again, does it make sense to you?

Edited December 3, 2015 by Vilgefoz

[bluefeather]

My thoughts are that you put way too much thought into this, and it does not even seem accurate. I don't personally know anyone who hasn't been in at least one relationship. Whatever "armies" you've seen, they're not in my social circle.

[Vilgefoz]

My thoughts are that you put way too much thought into this, and it does not even seem accurate. I don't personally know anyone who hasn't been in at least one relationship. Whatever "armies" you've seen, they're not in my social circle.

 

just because you have not seen it it does not mean it does not exist. i know scientist, athlets, businessman... also, how many people are going to brag about being forever alone? internet and anonymous profiles are virtually the only place where you can go with it on public and not risk social discreditation. either you enjoy company of lucky people or not all people around are sharing their intimate details with you.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

And men are more prone than women are it seems to end up as a 25+ year old never been in a relationship or still a virgin than women are, or maybe women are less vocal about it than men are, as in they keep it private to themselves

[basil67]

While I wouldn't agree that this effects a large group of people, I will say that there are some who can't find a relationship.

 

I think it's mostly due to that person lacking the social skills required to get a relationship. Some people can't get a partner because they are a dickhead. Some have anxiety issues and some have social skill disorders.

[AspenBaldwin]

I've got to admit that I hesitated about

posting on this particular topic.

But since there are so many

misconceptions about it

I though I had to interviene.

 

Not sure if the OP created this

thread out of curiosity itself,

or if it's all part of some School Assignment.

Whatever the reason, I ask those of you

who might be reading this not to mock

me as I unveil my story.

 

My name is L---,

I was born in Argentina 2- years ago...

and I never, I repeat NEVER had a relationship,

or had sex with anyone.

 

To those posters who imply it is unlikely

for a female to remain a virgin and more

likely for a male to remain one,

I can tell you, YOU are wrong.

 

I was always a shy, quiet child

who didn't have many friends,

never kissed a boy and said

this is 'my boyfriend',

I know other kids do that,

but I didn't.

 

I have an older brother who often

will pick on me, make sure I fell

and hurt myself when we were playing,

said awful things to me all the time,

like if you don't do as I say you'll go

to a foster home, were they'll feed

you disgusting meals,

I believe he spoke of

noodles floating in vomit or sth,

told me I was adopted,

tried to drown me in the pool

claiming he was just trying to

teach me how to hold my

breath under water,

refer to me as stupid, crazy,

retarded, fat, ugly,

worthless, etc.

To this day I believe some, if not all

of these things to be true.

 

My father never, ever spoke to me

unless It was to complain about sth,

he was a violent bastard,

who cheated on my mum many times,

treated her like crap, but acted like a

'funny guy' in front of his friends

and extended family.

 

One time my sister who was supposed

to be taking care of me and my brother,

left him home alone and took me with her on a bus,

as she wanted to go see her boyfriend.

I don't remember if we were

sitting in far away sits

from each other, but I

suddenly found myself alone on the bus,

yes, she descended and forgot about me.

Till this day I absolutely hate taking the bus,

it frightens me, I think I'm going to get lost

and get all nervous and feel ill.

 

My mother did what she could I suppose,

maybe she was to ignorant and set

in her ways to do any better.

She is not very demonstrative,

never hugs me or tell me anything nice.

Just wasn't brought up that way I guess.

She did one time confessed to me that

she was given the money to terminate

the pregnancy when she was expecting me.

My father did not wanted another baby.

 

So I guess I wasn't meant to be.

Yet here I am.

Uncertain of what is to become of me in the future.

Or even if there is one.

 

In my teenage years I pretty much ignored boys

and they ignored me back.

Had a teacher who took me to his office

when no one else was there,

thinking back,

maybe he was expecting me to do sth?

Then again maybe not.

Even if he wanted me to make a move,

I wouldn't have known how.

It was awkward to say the least.

 

Not really into going out,

dancing, drinking, doing drugs.

The place where I live is not lively,

neither it has big attractions.

 

Most guys my age already have kids

of their own and they don't want one like me.

Wouldn't even take the time to 'understand one like me'.

Like someone very eloquently pointed out on another thread

they ain't got not time for no 'damaged goods'.

 

Nowadays I only speak with a friend on Skype

that lives in Spain, but like I said on the

X-mas thread I haven't heard from him in a while now.

 

So there you go.

Not sure what else to add,

that will account for the situtation in

which I find myself now.

[bluefeather]

just because you have not seen it it does not mean it does not exist.

 

You are stating the obvious. I am not denying that there are people out there who have never dated. It just doesn't seem like a growing plague as you seem to see it. People are hooking up left and right. The world is getting over-populated.

[Bobbi7]

Blame social media for this! Facebook "likes" with men liking woman's selfies with her titties and ass hanging out, instagram, dating sites, cheater sites, hook up sites, etc, etc, etc....tinder, snapchat, sexting, video phones, and the list goes on..this generation of 20's and 30's have several options of not wanting to settled down, FWB, **** buddys are on the rise, its soo easy, nobody has to leave the house anymore. Everyone gets dates on social media. Generation X, on the other hand-dated the old fashion way back in the 90's, events, in person meetings, actually talking on the phone, picking someone up-no one that I know from Gen X, met on a dating site-they met the traditional way. Its disgusting.

[basil67]

Blame social media for this! Facebook "likes" with men liking woman's selfies with her titties and ass hanging out, instagram, dating sites, cheater sites, hook up sites, etc, etc, etc....tinder, snapchat, sexting, video phones, and the list goes on..this generation of 20's and 30's have several options of not wanting to settled down, FWB, **** buddys are on the rise, its soo easy, nobody has to leave the house anymore. Everyone gets dates on social media. Generation X, on the other hand-dated the old fashion way back in the 90's, events, in person meetings, actually talking on the phone, picking someone up-no one that I know from Gen X, met on a dating site-they met the traditional way. Its disgusting.

 

Gen Xer here. I think you're wrong.

 

Yes, our dating was face to face as you described. But we certainly had the people who couldn't find a partner - this hasn't changed at all.

 

Meanwhile my Gen Z daughter is out socialising all the time, as are my Gen Y workmates. The fact that you think everyone stays home on social media makes me wonder what type of people you choose to socialise with. Social media is not the root of all evil if used wisely.

[Blanco]

Just seems like an ironic statement given that she herself often utilizes social media to procure dates.

 

I think social media has changed face-to-face communication, and not necessarily for the better. But to act as though we are just one or two generations removed from all guys being "after you ma'lady" is ridiculous.

 

Moreover, the social media impact isn't limited to just the 20's and 30's crowd. Plenty of folks much older utilizing these things. And sure, maybe it makes some people more hesitant to settle down, but the counterpoint is that now there's less pressure to just settle on what's available from your very limited radius.

[TheArtist]

I think I do agree with point B, but only with regard to dating sites. It's all to easy to find someone who is essentially a perfect match then, 'Oh, she doesn't like coffee... rejected. Who else is there on here then?'

 

And I've known people go on dates and instead of really getting to know someone they're back on POF that evening.

[Vilgefoz]

And men are more prone than women are it seems to end up as a 25+ year old never been in a relationship or still a virgin than women are, or maybe women are less vocal about it than men are, as in they keep it private to themselves

 

we have to differ between "sex" and "relationship".

 

It's statistically comfirmed there are significant less female-virgins then male-virgins of all ages. The reason is very simple: women are being hit on (for sex-related purposes) and men "do most of the work" (in most cases, but not every time). Therefore usually it's much easier for woman to have sex (without further commitiement) then for man. Again, it does not work like this always, but most of the time. Only troll would argue on that...

 

Relationship is however different matter - you need 2 people for it. There is still slightly higher number of men whithout it then women for several reasons, but ration is much more equal in this matter. There are many reasons why is it so but I am not going to bore anyone - unless they ask for it explanation.

[Vilgefoz]

While I wouldn't agree that this effects a large group of people, I will say that there are some who can't find a relationship.

 

I think it's mostly due to that person lacking the social skills required to get a relationship. Some people can't get a partner because they are a dickhead. Some have anxiety issues and some have social skill disorders.

 

 

not true at all. What you just wrote is mere prejustice and virtually the very reason why people keep this in secret - people like you would think of them this.

[Vilgefoz]

I've got to admit that I hesitated about

posting on this particular topic...

 

 

AspenBaldwin,

 

to asnwer your first question: I am just curious. As some might have figure out, personally I consider myself member of this "groups" and so I am just reading toughts of other people of the topic.

 

Speaking of your case, what you just described look to me very melancholic, maybe even depressive. I undertstand you had rough childhood, teenage years etc. You might want to talk with specialists about it. I am sure it would help you find inner peace.

[Vilgefoz]

You are stating the obvious. I am not denying that there are people out there who have never dated. It just doesn't seem like a growing plague as you seem to see it. People are hooking up left and right. The world is getting over-populated.

 

 

I see what I did wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Incel or Involuntary Celibate person is a person who is lacking physical intercourse for more then (some say 6 some 12 or even more months) for reason usually other then mental or body disorder. They are usually very normal people who despite their long-time effort can't find sexual partner. It's estimated it is about 7% of population.

 

Loweshy is a person who is simply too timid to find a mate, either for romantic or sexual purposes. It's some sort of disorder, something that is outside of normal people's trhinking, where Incels are usually perfectly normal people in all aspects - except sex, romance of course. There is about 2.5% of Loveshy in Population.

 

Forever Alone (as I called this topic) are simply people unhappy about their sexual and romantic life struggling to find a real partner. Maybe they go on dates, maybe they do have (occasionally) sex but it's rather rare, very irregular and miss company or real partner. Now, if there is 7% of Incels, how many forever alones there are? (most of them as suggested belong to 18-35 y.o. group when it comes to males).

 

 

 

 

I am not sure which country are you from, but EU and US is aging due to lack of newborn children. Perhaps you heard of immigrant waves - one of the main reasons of inviting them to EU is this one - support decreasing youth population.

[Vilgefoz]

I think I do agree with point B, but only with regard to dating sites. It's all to easy to find someone who is essentially a perfect match then, 'Oh, she doesn't like coffee... rejected. Who else is there on here then?'

 

And I've known people go on dates and instead of really getting to know someone they're back on POF that evening.

 

Yes, exactly I said: confusion. On the one hand you find person with no effort, on the other hand you put no effort to creating real relationship with him simply because it's easyer to find "more suitable one".

 

 

This promiscuity... dunno, according to my observance and possible some researches, it's a matter of attractive people. Sometimes also successful ones. If you are not what society considers being attractive and/or successful... too bad.

 

I am person from commerce and I tell you this: on whichever market you are, being average means being sh*t. You won't attract anybody (customer, investor, partner) by being average. All the sources go to few % of best bidders making them rich and powerful and rest of the companies must figh hard this rat-fight for remaining sources.

 

I believe this is the very same in dating markret, as the reason of the situation in paragraph above is simple human nature. If you are average, you better have some very good reasons being interesting for that particular person...

[LookAtThisPOst]

I've been waiting for a post like this to pop up. I've seen a serious influx of men on this relationship site talking about "How I haven't had a girlfriend" and citing their age. Seems to be on the upswing. Even myself didn't have a girlfriend until my mid-20s. Never had a girlfriend in high school nor even had a prom date.

 

Yes, I do believe online social media has contributed and has kept people at a distance. Esp. for those who "hate to talk on the phone", but I have to say women tend to have made it difficult on men to approach them and ask them out.

 

Some men probably even are overly concerned about calling women (even though they were given a phone #) more than once because of the worry about coming off as desperate or stalkerish...so sometimes they just call them once, leave a message, and that's that.

 

If not online, approaches in public made my men to women are not too advisable of a move these days because of the "stranger danger" feelings most women get, so they tend to prefer the online, safer route of being approached via an online dating site.

 

Those are just a few examples.

Edited December 4, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[ZA Dater]

I see what I did wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Incel or Involuntary Celibate person is a person who is lacking physical intercourse for more then (some say 6 some 12 or even more months) for reason usually other then mental or body disorder. They are usually very normal people who despite their long-time effort can't find sexual partner. It's estimated it is about 7% of population.

 

Loweshy is a person who is simply too timid to find a mate, either for romantic or sexual purposes. It's some sort of disorder, something that is outside of normal people's trhinking, where Incels are usually perfectly normal people in all aspects - except sex, romance of course. There is about 2.5% of Loveshy in Population.

 

Forever Alone (as I called this topic) are simply people unhappy about their sexual and romantic life struggling to find a real partner. Maybe they go on dates, maybe they do have (occasionally) sex but it's rather rare, very irregular and miss company or real partner. Now, if there is 7% of Incels, how many forever alones there are? (most of them as suggested belong to 18-35 y.o. group when it comes to males).

.

 

Really well thought out and thought provoking post/topic.

 

I fall into category 1 and 2 here and there are days where I just feel like I have hit rock bottom, the only real way I go through life feeling somewhat normal is to tell myself I am confident, good at many things but very deep down I know not having dated bothers me more than anyone could comprehend.

 

Another way I feel better about life is to help others whenever possible, giving to others, I guess I take out some of the warm feeling I would imagine a gf would give me if I took her on a date, bought her a gift, giving to others and helping gives me that feeling that I actually matter to someone.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is a good read, "Bowling Alone"

 

Amazon.com: Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (9780743203043): Robert D. Putnam: Books

 

It indeed is an eye-opener about how social media and the internet is distancing people from each other.

 

And I've known people go on dates and instead of really getting to know someone they're back on POF that evening.

 

Yep yep, with the onset of the popularity of online dating, people have an overabundance of choice and holding out for "the next best thing".

 

you put no effort to creating real relationship with him simply because it's easyer to find "more suitable one".

 

As Morpheus says, "The problem is choice."

Edited December 4, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[hotpotato]

Most people I know in their 20s or 30s are coupled up. I even know a few who are about to have their 10th anniversary, and they are my age!

 

I consider myself a female FA, more or less. I just happen to be in a relationship now, but I spend large swatchs of my life single.

 

I don't want drama.

 

I was happy single.

 

I have social anhedonia.

 

I'm socially awkward.

 

I'm busy, and dating gets in the way of my goals.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You simply have so many options today that no one is good enough for you. One day you meet somebody but next day you might meet somebody better. So instead of focusing on developing lasting relationships with people you already have around you, you constanty pursue something better for yourself

 

Right, because of the ol, "I won't settle" thing. It's funny how I've seen constantly the same faces of women I had already emailed that live in my area on these dating sites. It's even a smaller community where it's mostly married couples and retirees. The remaining singles are found online (most tend to have missing teeth or look like a lot lizard). The community is "plugged in", so I'm guessing they are just "holding out" for eternity in an area where geographically they can't afford to be overly picky.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If you are average, you better have some very good reasons being interesting for that particular person

 

That's just it, there are some people that are happy or content on being "average" (depends on how you define average I suppose.)

 

I recall a post back in the say...on here... of an article and a video clip showing 2 people on OK Cupid and how successful they were.

 

But what kind of drew my attention away from the main idea of the article was the fact the guy was bragging about how much he could get laid from the women he met on OK Cupid. He was getting the Va-jay-jay, but wasn't really focused on getting a g/f and was basing his "success" on the amount of hook-ups and one-night stands he could get.

 

So I am guessing that, from the male perspective...that "success" equals the amount of arse you can tag as opposed a real relationship? (this is a rhetorical question)

 

I was kind of baffled that they included him in the article or interview at all...personally thought he was a poor example.

[hotpotato]

This is a good read, "Bowling Alone"

 

Amazon.com: Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (9780743203043): Robert D. Putnam: Books

 

It indeed is an eye-opener about how social media and the internet is distancing people from each other.

 

 

 

Yep yep, with the onset of the popularity of online dating, people have an overabundance of choice and holding out for "the next best thing".

 

 

 

As Morpheus says, "The problem is choice."

Funny, i like to bowl alone.

 

Lets not pretend that online dating sites are for relationships. There are plenty of horny dudes online who only want one thing.

 

 

I quit trying to date online, or at all, and my life is much better.

[hotpotato]

That's just it, there are some people that are happy or content on being "average" (depends on how you define average I suppose.)

 

I recall a post back in the say...on here... of an article and a video clip showing 2 people on OK Cupid and how successful they were.

 

But what kind of drew my attention away from the main idea of the article was the fact the guy was bragging about how much he could get laid from the women he met on OK Cupid. He was getting the Va-jay-jay, but wasn't really focused on getting a g/f and was basing his "success" on the amount of hook-ups and one-night stands he could get.

 

So I am guessing that, from the male perspective...that "success" equals the amount of arse you can tag as opposed a real relationship? (this is a rhetorical question)

 

I was kind of baffled that they included him in the article or interview at all...personally thought he was a poor example.

 

Well, yes, thats how many men define success. Same guy will wonder why he cant get a relationship.

[ZA Dater]

Yes, exactly I said: confusion. On the one hand you find person with no effort, on the other hand you put no effort to creating real relationship with him simply because it's easyer to find "more suitable one".

 

 

This promiscuity... dunno, according to my observance and possible some researches, it's a matter of attractive people. Sometimes also successful ones. If you are not what society considers being attractive and/or successful... too bad.

 

I am person from commerce and I tell you this: on whichever market you are, being average means being sh*t. You won't attract anybody (customer, investor, partner) by being average. All the sources go to few % of best bidders making them rich and powerful and rest of the companies must figh hard this rat-fight for remaining sources.

 

I believe this is the very same in dating markret, as the reason of the situation in paragraph above is simple human nature. If you are average, you better have some very good reasons being interesting for that particular person...

 

There is much truth here, barring one thing. What exactly is average?

 

Where I agree 10000% is if one is not considered by society to be attractive or one doesn't fit into a particular mould then in my view its almost impossible to have any success at dating unless one chases people who society does not consider to fit in. I have brought this up before and was widely panned for doing so, I am glad someone else agrees.

 

However, the problem for guys is often the pool of females who don't fit in is incredibly small.

 

If you asked me right now if I could have one thing it would be this: to have someone I like , like me.