Why there are so many 20-30 y.o. "forever alone" people?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Funny, i like to bowl alone.

 

It seems you're in the minority. I think that's why it was entitled "Bowling Alone" because it's a game that is highly known as a group activity. Unless the person is practicing for a tournament, I've yet to see someone bowl alone for the fun of it.

 

Thus the book's title.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

It probably goes back to what I stated before, guys it seems are far more at risk than girls are to ending up as a 25+, and 30+ year old virgin without having a relationship yet due to women not having to be the initiators

[ZA Dater]

Funny, i like to bowl alone.

 

Lets not pretend that online dating sites are for relationships. There are plenty of horny dudes online who only want one thing.

 

 

I quit trying to date online, or at all, and my life is much better.

 

I spent years trying to use dating sites as intended, then I realised two things

: most guys only use the sites to hook up

: the people on the sites were not ones I was interested in

 

Bottom line, the only thing on line did for me was kill my confidence and sense of self worth.

[hotpotato]

It seems you're in the minority. I think that's why it was entitled "Bowling Alone" because it's a game that is highly known as a group activity. Unless the person is practicing for a tournament, I've yet to see someone bowl alone for the fun of it.

 

Thus the book's title.

 

Ive seen other people bowl alone esp on the cheap nights.

 

I do get tgat im in the minority. Ive been a hardcore masturdater for years going to the movies, going for walks, going out to eat by myself. Its hard to meet people in those venues since most people are there with the spouse.

[Vilgefoz]

I've been waiting for a post like this to pop up. I've seen a serious influx of men on this relationship site talking about "How I haven't had a girlfriend" and citing their age. Seems to be on the upswing. Even myself didn't have a girlfriend until my mid-20s. Never had a girlfriend in high school nor even had a prom date.

 

Yes, I do believe online social media has contributed and has kept people at a distance. Esp. for those who "hate to talk on the phone", but I have to say women tend to have made it difficult on men to approach them and ask them out.

 

Some men probably even are overly concerned about calling women (even though they were given a phone #) more than once because of the worry about coming off as desperate or stalkerish...so sometimes they just call them once, leave a message, and that's that.

 

If not online, approaches in public made my men to women are not too advisable of a move these days because of the "stranger danger" feelings most women get, so they tend to prefer the online, safer route of being approached via an online dating site.

 

Those are just a few examples.

 

It's exactle as you said!

 

I have no experience with dating sites but:

 

Exactly, call women few times more and you are creep. Why is that? Mass confusion. Maybe it's social media, I think it's rather general urbanization, penetration of technology and monstrous distrurbance in our life.

 

 

We people are species that have been used to live in a tight communities for millions of years. In less developed countries people still live like this. Today most of us live either in large cities or town with high fluctulation of people (people arriving/leaving for job, study, living opportunities...).

 

Here is an example of what I mean:

 

100 years ago you live in a small town. Your social cycle is very tight and you know most of women around you and so they know you. They know who are you, what is your social position and you don't have to fake so much as today. If you ask her our several times, you are being romantic, because you put so much effort into her!

 

Today: woman you are interested ofthen knows little or nothing of you (and so you don't of her). Therefore if you call her "twice" as you say, there is a considerable chance she will take you for a desperate creep. Maybe you really like her, maybe you are prepared to put so much effort to her but that she does not know. She sees try-hard guy and without other info of yiur motives it migh seem like desperation.

 

See? Complete confusion.

 

 

 

And this is only ONE example of confusion that modern society puts on us. Career - how much do you sacrifice to it and how much to personal life? Family? - when is the right time and how much money do I need for it? Friends - am I friend because I like them or because it's beneficial for me? Money, ststus - How much do I need in order to people respect me. Life itself - what's gonna be next?? Will I be in 3 years in this city on this position or do I relocate somewhere else? Is there a reason for me to start a relationship when I don;t know what will be in 1 year? etc. etc. etc. These are the problems of last 100 years ago. We, huma race are not mentally prepared for it.

[bluefeather]

I see what I did wrong.

 

Incel or Involuntary Celibate person is a person who is lacking physical intercourse for more then (some say 6 some 12 or even more months) for reason usually other then mental or body disorder. They are usually very normal people who despite their long-time effort can't find sexual partner. It's estimated it is about 7% of population.

 

Loweshy is a person who is simply too timid to find a mate, either for romantic or sexual purposes. It's some sort of disorder, something that is outside of normal people's trhinking, where Incels are usually perfectly normal people in all aspects - except sex, romance of course. There is about 2.5% of Loveshy in Population.

 

Forever Alone (as I called this topic) are simply people unhappy about their sexual and romantic life struggling to find a real partner. Maybe they go on dates, maybe they do have (occasionally) sex but it's rather rare, very irregular and miss company or real partner. Now, if there is 7% of Incels, how many forever alones there are? (most of them as suggested belong to 18-35 y.o. group when it comes to males).

 

 

I am not sure which country are you from, but EU and US is aging due to lack of newborn children. Perhaps you heard of immigrant waves - one of the main reasons of inviting them to EU is this one - support decreasing youth population.

 

 

Oh, so you're talking about not having a "relationship?" That is way different. I always thought that "forever alone" meant someone who doesn't even get dates or sex at all. It's not even an actual term. It's just slang from a meme.

 

I'm from the US, and I do not agree with it aging due to lack of newborn children. We're making babies. Where are you getting your facts?

[hotpotato]

I spent years trying to use dating sites as intended, then I realised two things

: most guys only use the sites to hook up

: the people on the sites were not ones I was interested in

 

Bottom line, the only thing on line did for me was kill my confidence and sense of self worth.

 

I can relate.

I suppose I could find one person after going through an emotional wringer, but why put myself through that? I want to be happy.

 

I missed that time when most of my peers have paired up-like right after graduating high school. This is to be expected, since i'm not that social. I can understand wanting to get married asap and avoid dating, so I'm not judging them.

 

It probably goes back to what I stated before, guys it seems are far more at risk than girls are to ending up as a 25+, and 30+ year old virgin without having a relationship yet due to women not having to be the initiators

 

That's because many men will have sex with a woman who is borderline disgusting. There are women who can't get into relationships. There is a difference between relationships and sex.

`````

 

What else...When you're single it's easy to stay single. I'm kinda set in my ways.

I want to get myself more together financially. A lot of people do the opposite and get married in part for the money.

[hotpotato]

Quite a few people here who don't have bfs gfs don't have friends either. Some people just aren't that social.

[clia]

Quite a few people here who don't have bfs gfs don't have friends either. Some people just aren't that social.

 

I personally think this is the crux of the problem for those people. Most people tend to meet their significant others through a social circle, networking events, out at bars, concerts, festivals (where you normally are with friends), etc. If you don't have friends or a social circle or aren't wanting to network, you really limit your ability to meet someone to date.

[hotpotato]

I personally think this is the crux of the problem for those people. Most people tend to meet their significant others through a social circle, networking events, out at bars, concerts, festivals (where you normally are with friends), etc. If you don't have friends or a social circle or aren't wanting to network, you really limit your ability to meet someone to date.

 

I think the real problem is some people are trying to work against their true natures.

 

Just to use myself as an example. I believe I have social anhedonia. I go out and socialize, I don't get the cookie most people get. The only way being social is fun for me is with booze or several hundred mg of painkillers. I can be ok happy around people, but alone I can feel very blissful. I go to another forum with socially awkward people who've said more or less the same thing.

 

I felt really bad because I just wasn't like that. i felt like I should be dating. I felt like I should want to date, but I didn't. I let it go, and I stopped believing being single was some horrible condition. Voila! Happiness. I have a boyfriend,too, I'm still not sure how that happened.

 

A lot of single FA men don't even act like that want to date. They act like they are on the prowl for sex. If these guys really want to date, why not try to actually date?

 

A lot of those events you listed, people are already there with their significant others... I agree that for some people meeting more people can help. For me, meeting a bunch of men makes it worse on me. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but many of them are piranhas. Most of the married people I know met one another in high school. Or maybe work.

[GravityMan]

OP,

 

I think you are letting the "vocal minority" of never-dated people (especially on internet forums) cloud and muddle your viewpoint on relationships. These types of people tend to congregate on certain online forums and post often. You are mistakenly overreacting to them and incorrectly thinking that it's some sort of widespread epidemic.

 

The fact is, the vast majority of people in the world between the ages of 20 and 35 have had at least one relationship, and the overwhelming majority of people in that age range have dated and have had some sort of intimate contact with the opposite sex (or same sex, if gay). And many of them did not need to "struggle" to experience those things. They met someone they were attracted to (and vice versa), and one person or the other made a move, and things more-or-less naturally progressed from there, for better or worse. Not that complicated. Opportunities arose at least every once in awhile as long as the person got out, socialized with society and loosened up at least a little. Hell, it requires far more effort for the average joe/jane to land a minimum-wage job.

 

Even shy and socially anxious people are still somewhat social at times and usually have a friend or two...and yes many of them have had relationships. Truly antisocial people are rare.

 

Dating is highly social. Networking and interacting with others is important in order to get ahead, to encounter and experience many things in life. Not doing those things can significantly damage a person's ability to be a functional member of society.

[Myragal]

I never encountered these 'armies'. I personally don't know anyone other than a few mentally disabled who haven't had a relationship by 30.

 

Increase? Not really. If you came to our ER, you would assume the whole world is having a health crisis. However, 99.9% are not. The same here...guys and gals in heathy relationships are not on OLD or complaining to friends about not being in a relationship.

 

There are 18 on my ward..only 2 are single women and one of these is divorced and the other is 19 years old. She just arrived from the Philipines so may have had a boyfriend back there.

 

Anyways zero out of 18 have never had a relationship.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The only way being social is fun for me is with booze or several hundred mg of painkillers.

 

Wow!! That IS quite telling/revealing.

[hotpotato]

Wow!! That IS quite telling/revealing.

 

For a long time I didn't realize people got a 'cookie' just from socialization.

There are a few people out there who have to medicate themselves to be more interested in people.

 

Not to say that all FA people are like this, but I do believe a lot of times there is more to it that just can't find somebody.

 

Going places doesn't work for me either. Oftentimes I'm focused on the activity not on people around me. I might go somewhere like out to eat and the place is already filled with couples. Most guys who hit on me are older than me father. Some are older than my grandfather. Not every girl gets hit on constantly, not that i would want that anyway.

[Bobbi7]

I personally think this is the crux of the problem for those people. Most people tend to meet their significant others through a social circle, networking events, out at bars, concerts, festivals (where you normally are with friends), etc. If you don't have friends or a social circle or aren't wanting to network, you really limit your ability to meet someone to date.

 

Well, the so called friends that I do have-my girlfriends- don't bother introducing me to anyone!!!! They know that I'm Single and looking-I gave hints- and you know what they tell me? Go on dating sites. I'm like wth?

[SwordofFlame]

The problem is the internet. Some people are just content to tap away on their computer all day, every day. You're going to be forever alone if you don't go out and socialize.

[Blanco]

Well, the so called friends that I do have-my girlfriends- don't bother introducing me to anyone!!!! They know that I'm Single and looking-I gave hints- and you know what they tell me? Go on dating sites. I'm like wth?

 

Since when is it a friend's responsibility to find other friends dates? I've met tons of people through friends over the years, but never have I considered that part of being a real friend was finding me girls to date.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Since when is it a friend's responsibility to find other friends dates? I've met tons of people through friends over the years, but never have I considered that part of being a real friend was finding me girls to date.

 

 

He's likely not talking about "fixing you up", but providing opportunities to bring together a group of people at a house party or something or an outing. It's not about "responsibility" as you like to call it.

 

For instance, I'd notice a female friend has a few single friends I noticed that she hangs out with on Facebook. I would mention to her, "Hey, how about you and your friends go out bowling or dancing this weekend?

 

I actually had a female friend bring this to my attention without me having said anything, but I did later provided her with an opportunity like in the next couple of weekends we could all go bowling or something.

 

Something like that isn't not asking much, man. If a "friend" starts to think it is, from their perspective, as a "responsibility"...then perhaps their perspective on what that term is may need to be revisited.

[Blanco]

He's likely not talking about "fixing you up", but providing opportunities to bring together a group of people at a house party or something or an outing. It's not about "responsibility" as you like to call it.

 

For instance, I'd notice a female friend has a few single friends I noticed that she hangs out with on Facebook. I would mention to her, "Hey, how about you and your friends go out bowling or dancing this weekend?

 

I actually had a female friend bring this to my attention without me having said anything, but I did later provided her with an opportunity like in the next couple of weekends we could all go bowling or something.

 

Something like that isn't not asking much, man. If a "friend" starts to think it is, from their perspective, as a "responsibility"...then perhaps their perspective on what that term is may need to be revisited.

 

Read some of this person's posts. SHE seems to have a lot of complaints about people she deals with day to day; often bothered or outraged by something. Perhaps her friends see this, since I doubt she's just like this online, and are reluctant to play middleman between her and a guy?

[ltjg45]

Quite a few people here who don't have bfs gfs don't have friends either. Some people just aren't that social.

 

Yeah, I am one of them. The few people that does want to talk to me can be a bit annoying and, for one in particular, he is a proud *******. Outside of working with him during my shifts and him driving me halfway back home, I do prefer to keep my distance from him.

 

When I think of a friend, I think of a person that I can trust. I don't remember the last time I met a person that didn't let me down at some point in my life. It's like I am not important enough to keep whatever promises you make to me.

 

Which is fine.....but that just means I won't put any more effort into it either.

[Vilgefoz]

Really well thought out and thought provoking post/topic.

 

I fall into category 1 and 2 here and there are days where I just feel like I have hit rock bottom, the only real way I go through life feeling somewhat normal is to tell myself I am confident, good at many things but very deep down I know not having dated bothers me more than anyone could comprehend.

 

Another way I feel better about life is to help others whenever possible, giving to others, I guess I take out some of the warm feeling I would imagine a gf would give me if I took her on a date, bought her a gift, giving to others and helping gives me that feeling that I actually matter to someone.

 

 

Thank you.

 

Allow me to explain your feelings. Following statement is a fact: According to Maslow's pyramid of hierarchies, sex is basic physical need just like food or sleep. It's depriavation leads to both physical and mental issues comparable to lack of sleep, for instance - moodiness, irritability, depression... Having a close partner is basic social need. Not satisfying this one is like not having any friend or somebody to trust around you. Again, it leads to severe mental issues. Third, love is some sort of self-realization need. Not having love is again similar to let's say doing a job you don't like, not feeling satisied with. Burn out, feeling dry and empty is common symptom.

 

It's only natural you feel all these feelings. If you did not, THAT would be weird. Possibly person with borderline cynical personality disorder would be trully long-term ok with lack of intimate partner without any consequences...

 

 

Of course, everything described above are only FEELINGS and have nothing to do with real situation - your partnership status has little to no effect to your social/economical value. In other words, you are person just like anybody else but without partner. There are tons of let's say long-term unemployed, lack education, physically weaker people... yet it does not mean they are inferior to us. Only your mind tortured by lack of basic need satisfaction make you feel so...

[basil67]

not true at all. What you just wrote is mere prejustice and virtually the very reason why people keep this in secret - people like you would think of them this.

 

Many don't have to keep it a secret. The personality of some can make it blindingly obvious from first meet that this person just isn't the kind who attracts a date.

 

Likewise, when we're online and a person complains about being eternally single. Those of us who have relationship experience frequently (not always) read those posts and can clearly see the reasons why that person is single.

 

While I may be insulting dickheads, I'm not insulting those with anxiety issues or social skill disorders. I think it's really unfortunate that they have these issues which stop them from achieving a relationship. However, it IS generally obvious that the people have these issues to start with. I mean, how can one NOT notice that a person has no idea how to talk with a member of the opposite sex?

[JohnsonBaby]

Option B is my answer ,you always feel you can do better and find someone that will match that fantastic vision in your head . It's all Bs , I can understand wanting it but there is no PERFECT match .

Chase your dreams,let it go . These are the quotes that you read EVERYWHERE and people jump on the wagon

[preraph]

You may be on to something about technology being an issue. A mental health worker in my neighborhood recently wrote on our neighborhood forum that just in the last few years, the percentage of people who are brought in for mental health issues are there because all they want to do is play video games has risen to 50 percent of their patients. It's easier to live in a fantasy where you are consistently rewarded for "achieving" imaginary things and where you can present yourself as the person you wish you were instead of the person you are, and many fall into that trap. There is no real achievement, no application to the real world, and pretending to be someone else leads to delusionary thinking.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Read some of this person's posts. SHE seems to have a lot of complaints about people she deals with day to day; often bothered or outraged by something. Perhaps her friends see this, since I doubt she's just like this online, and are reluctant to play middleman between her and a guy?

 

When you say "Deals with day to day" are you referring to customers at work or just out socially with friends.

 

If it's customers, then I can understand the complaints. LOL

 

OR it's more like "She's a real b**ch, I can't introduce her to anyone." and it's simple as that?