Why there are so many 20-30 y.o. "forever alone" people?

[loveweary11]

Your a,b,c factors are legitimate, imo.

 

Additionally, I think there is a new army of women out there who are just not interested in serious relationships in their 20-30 age range. A large portion of them. Nearly 30-50% on my urban experience, prefer to live a sort of bachelorette lifestyle without a man.

 

But, it's weird because I always ask why and the reason I hear most is it's that they had a horrible relationship in the past. A terrible guy. And their instinct, different from when I was in that age range, is to completely shut their emotions off and not have relationships anymore.

 

Imo, this is a sad way to live, it's becoming the main way of thinking for women in this age range in urban areas.

 

Note: I don't know any guys really in this age range. Just tons of girls. This is only from their side, of course. I imagine this emotional shutdown plays a significant role in.the guys having to sit on the sidelines.

Edited December 5, 2015 by loveweary11

[LookAtThisPOst]

Your a,b,c factors are legitimate, imo.

 

Additionally, I think there is a new army of women out there who are just not interested in serious relationships in their 20-30 age range. A large portion of them. Nearly 30-50% on my urban experience, prefer to live a sort of bachelorette lifestyle without a man.

 

But, it's weird because I always ask why and the reason I hear most is it's that they had a horrible relationship in the past. A terrible guy. And their instinct, different from when I was in that age range, is to completely shut their emotions off and not have relationships anymore.

 

Imo, this is a sad way to live, it's becoming the main way of thinking for women in this age range in urban areas.

 

Note: I don't know any guys really in this age range. Just tons of girls. This is only from their side, of course. I imagine this emotional shutdown plays a significant role in.the guys having to sit on the sidelines.

 

I get that feeling, too. Usually one bad relationship pretty much ends any future romantic opportunities for them.

 

Another thing I've noticed with the 40+ women, is that some are divorced...and that SOME women are very apathetic about dating at this time in their life. Typically, they've come out of rather long marriages that went into the double digits (20 years) and felt they "Did their time." (Using prison terminology, lol)

 

And spend most of their non-working hours with their teenage-aged or even college-aged kids and family members be it high school team sports or whatever activity their kids are into, THEY get involved as well.

 

The idea of bringing on a romantic partner becomes alien to them or if a guy attempts to talk to her, it's immediately deflected, but in a "thanks, but I'm busy with my family or life" now.

 

They are in this "I'm her for ME now." mode...if they even get out of that mode.

 

I imagine this emotional shutdown plays a significant role in.the guys having to sit on the sidelines.

 

Yep...I'm feelin' that vibe from the 30-somethings. Some are content on sitting behind their computers, browsing Match.com with a glass of wine on a Sat. night than attend a Meetup event and getting social.

[insert_name]

Your a,b,c factors are legitimate, imo.

 

Additionally, I think there is a new army of women out there who are just not interested in serious relationships in their 20-30 age range. A large portion of them. Nearly 30-50% on my urban experience, prefer to live a sort of bachelorette lifestyle without a man.

 

But, it's weird because I always ask why and the reason I hear most is it's that they had a horrible relationship in the past. A terrible guy. And their instinct, different from when I was in that age range, is to completely shut their emotions off and not have relationships anymore.

 

Imo, this is a sad way to live, it's becoming the main way of thinking for women in this age range in urban areas.

 

Note: I don't know any guys really in this age range. Just tons of girls. This is only from their side, of course. I imagine this emotional shutdown plays a significant role in.the guys having to sit on the sidelines.

 

Yep, there seems to be a large number of emotionally unavailable women out there, going by my experience and what I read on here.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I can relate.

I suppose I could find one person after going through an emotional wringer, but why put myself through that? I want to be happy.

 

I missed that time when most of my peers have paired up-like right after graduating high school. This is to be expected, since i'm not that social. I can understand wanting to get married asap and avoid dating, so I'm not judging them.

 

 

 

That's because many men will have sex with a woman who is borderline disgusting. There are women who can't get into relationships. There is a difference between relationships and sex.

`````

 

What else...When you're single it's easy to stay single. I'm kinda set in my ways.

I want to get myself more together financially. A lot of people do the opposite and get married in part for the money.

Well still, since women don't have to be the initiators, that is probably a big factor as to why women are less prone than men are to being big late bloomers in the dating/mating game

[hotpotato]

Your a,b,c factors are legitimate, imo.

 

Additionally, I think there is a new army of women out there who are just not interested in serious relationships in their 20-30 age range. A large portion of them. Nearly 30-50% on my urban experience, prefer to live a sort of bachelorette lifestyle without a man.

 

But, it's weird because I always ask why and the reason I hear most is it's that they had a horrible relationship in the past. A terrible guy. And their instinct, different from when I was in that age range, is to completely shut their emotions off and not have relationships anymore.

 

Imo, this is a sad way to live, it's becoming the main way of thinking for women in this age range in urban areas.

 

Note: I don't know any guys really in this age range. Just tons of girls. This is only from their side, of course. I imagine this emotional shutdown plays a significant role in.the guys having to sit on the sidelines.

Ive also had the bad experiences. At some point, you get tired of the drama, and you just want to be happy. Id rather be alone than unhappy.

 

I hope that being a young bachlorette continues to lose its taboo.

Theres a world full of fun and adventure. No need for women to always be hampered by bf/husband.

 

I think that men have more to gain from dating and mating except when it comes to divorce.

[Vilgefoz]

That's just it, there are some people that are happy or content on being "average" (depends on how you define average I suppose.)

 

I recall a post back in the say...on here... of an article and a video clip showing 2 people on OK Cupid and how successful they were.

 

But what kind of drew my attention away from the main idea of the article was the fact the guy was bragging about how much he could get laid from the women he met on OK Cupid. He was getting the Va-jay-jay, but wasn't really focused on getting a g/f and was basing his "success" on the amount of hook-ups and one-night stands he could get.

 

So I am guessing that, from the male perspective...that "success" equals the amount of arse you can tag as opposed a real relationship? (this is a rhetorical question)

 

I was kind of baffled that they included him in the article or interview at all...personally thought he was a poor example.

 

Did I reply to this post before?

 

 

From BIOLOGICAL perspective, preproductive succes is having as many surviving(!) children as possible. Now, the funny thing about is that we, humans, we are also just an animal specie, hugely driven by instincs. The prior difference between us and let's say other mamals is Culture. Here is an explanation:

 

Male success is having as many sex partner as possible. He does not need to care of his children and female is forced to do (childbearing and later bringing up child) PROVIDED there will be another male that (in belief) it's his child he is bringing up. This is the reason for infidelity. As a matter of fact, the only thing he is risking is bunch of protein loss in form of semen, therefore if his child dies, not much of a loss for him. This is the reason why men tend to be (instinctivelly) more promiscuous - they have biologically little to loose and much to gain.

 

For female, however, the situation is very different: if she gets pregnant with wrong male (either the one who does not care of her when she is helpless childbearning or one who is simply not able to secure her and her offspring's survival) she will be in big trouble. In prehistoric times, she could easyli die. That's the reason why females are more focused to relationship rather then casual sex. Of course as mentioned in paragraph above, she might want to trick her stable partner that child he is bearing is his while it's actually somebody else, who has better genetic predispositions (meaning he is physically stronger, more handsome, more successful).

 

 

Naturally, both females and males have their sexual instincts telling them "sex is good" so don't take it too seriously like "males are promiscuous and females stable" it only means this is behaviour gender-inclined. They like to have sex with different people just for fun - and here comes the "cultural part". In prehistoric times, having sex and getting pregnant with random male without stable partner would for female easily mean death. Today, it's matter of fun.

[Vilgefoz]

There is much truth here, barring one thing. What exactly is average?

 

Where I agree 10000% is if one is not considered by society to be attractive or one doesn't fit into a particular mould then in my view its almost impossible to have any success at dating unless one chases people who society does not consider to fit in. I have brought this up before and was widely panned for doing so, I am glad someone else agrees.

 

However, the problem for guys is often the pool of females who don't fit in is incredibly small.

 

If you asked me right now if I could have one thing it would be this: to have someone I like , like me.

 

 

you know, I think females are just as us, males - insecure, confused, timid The difference is, when you jusge female, you don't care so much for these traits rather but rather for her look. While they do judge you based on social capabilities...

 

I have no idea how to overcome this problem for males in general, as I, myself, is struggling here. The prior qualities females look for are: look, scial status and whatever privilage you can offer the (for instance: she is 16 and "cool". Having a "cool" boyfriend means big social recognition for her. Or company office-assistant who is dating her boss...).

 

 

 

There is number of reason why people bash ones who bring different views: above all they don't like anything different. Second, they they want to fit in and bash people who are different is very efficient method for gaining social recognition. Some are affraid of new ideas because it interups their own believefs. I consider myself for person inclined to Evolutionary Biology. People HATE ones like me, because this branch of science is telling that us humans, are just another animal specie with with only better cognitive ability (like culture) but still driven by instincts. People hate hearing their are not unique snowflakes and most of their behavior is predicted by instincts, described by cold, emotionless science.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Ive also had the bad experiences. At some point, you get tired of the drama, and you just want to be happy. Id rather be alone than unhappy.

 

I hope that being a young bachlorette continues to lose its taboo.

 

Maybe...I think his is why women have decided to go the friends-with-benefits route.

 

Theres a world full of fun and adventure. No need for women to always be hampered by bf/husband.

 

You sound rather assumptive when you say this, as if you will KNOW this will happen. Have a crystal ball? LOL

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I honestly feel this man right here should have given up, don't know why the woman he ended up with gave him a chance:Case Study: He?d Never Been With a Woman, Until? | The Modern Man

[hotpotato]

Maybe...I think his is why women have decided to go the friends-with-benefits route.

 

 

Strong irony.

Will guys start begging for marriage?

 

You sound rather assumptive when you say this, as if you will KNOW this will happen. Have a crystal ball? LOL

 

Well, im sure theres a reason some men love the single life...lets see travel, excitement, adventure, getting to know yourself.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Strong irony.

Will guys start begging for marriage?

 

 

 

Well, im sure theres a reason some men love the single life...lets see travel, excitement, adventure, getting to know yourself.

 

You can still do that with a girlfriend. In fact I've seen tons of couples taking selfies at the Eiffel Tower and Stonehenge . Not seeing the point here.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I honestly feel this man right here should have given up, don't know why the woman he ended up with gave him a chance:Case Study: He?d Never Been With a Woman, Until? | The Modern Man

 

Not sure why would one even believe this even happened. It's a website promoting some "how to succeed with women." course. I cringe when I see those template/cookie cutter-based websites.

[Vilgefoz]

Oh, so you're talking about not having a "relationship?" That is way different. I always thought that "forever alone" meant someone who doesn't even get dates or sex at all. It's not even an actual term. It's just slang from a meme.

 

I'm from the US, and I do not agree with it aging due to lack of newborn children. We're making babies. Where are you getting your facts?

 

well I am not sure of U.S. and probably too lazy to chceck it out but EU is definetely aging. There is no question in that.

 

Forever Alone is blurry, but I believe it rather referes so emotional state of person - simply feeling lone, frustrated, hopeless and desperate. As mentioned, numbers are quite high and even more of them are in mood as mentioned. Singnificat part of young male population (estimated to at least 25%) is having quite rough times.

 

...for isntance, just today one profeesional fighter mentioned his struggle with female partners. I am not sure is he has no sex at all but he seems to be single for quite a long time, which is rather odd considering I am talking of one of most popular celebrities in his sport,with body like greek god and clearly successful man in his profession. Also a very nice and respectfull guy.

 

Judging by person like you he clearly must have "something wrong with his head" since in his 30+ years is still having this problem, right?

[Heatherknows]

I get that feeling, too. Usually one bad relationship pretty much ends any future romantic opportunities for them.

 

Another thing I've noticed with the 40+ women, is that some are divorced...and that SOME women are very apathetic about dating at this time in their life. Typically, they've come out of rather long marriages that went into the double digits (20 years) and felt they "Did their time." (Using prison terminology, lol)

 

And spend most of their non-working hours with their teenage-aged or even college-aged kids and family members be it high school team sports or whatever activity their kids are into, THEY get involved as well.

 

The idea of bringing on a romantic partner becomes alien to them or if a guy attempts to talk to her, it's immediately deflected, but in a "thanks, but I'm busy with my family or life" now.

 

They are in this "I'm her for ME now." mode...if they even get out of that mode.

 

 

 

Yep...I'm feelin' that vibe from the 30-somethings. Some are content on sitting behind their computers, browsing Match.com with a glass of wine on a Sat. night than attend a Meetup event and getting social.

 

 

 

Weird. I'm in my 40's; if I were to divorce I plan on having a new boyfriend within a month...maybe less.

 

 

(Life's too short not to be in love. )

[Vilgefoz]

OP,

 

I think you are letting the "vocal minority" of never-dated people (especially on internet forums) cloud and muddle your viewpoint on relationships. These types of people tend to congregate on certain online forums and post often. You are mistakenly overreacting to them and incorrectly thinking that it's some sort of widespread epidemic.

 

The fact is, the vast majority of people in the world between the ages of 20 and 35 have had at least one relationship, and the overwhelming majority of people in that age range have dated and have had some sort of intimate contact with the opposite sex (or same sex, if gay). And many of them did not need to "struggle" to experience those things. They met someone they were attracted to (and vice versa), and one person or the other made a move, and things more-or-less naturally progressed from there, for better or worse. Not that complicated. Opportunities arose at least every once in awhile as long as the person got out, socialized with society and loosened up at least a little. Hell, it requires far more effort for the average joe/jane to land a minimum-wage job.

 

Even shy and socially anxious people are still somewhat social at times and usually have a friend or two...and yes many of them have had relationships. Truly antisocial people are rare.

 

Dating is highly social. Networking and interacting with others is important in order to get ahead, to encounter and experience many things in life. Not doing those things can significantly damage a person's ability to be a functional member of society.

 

 

everything you wrote is of course mostly correct. and is works for majority of population, just as you stated.

 

The problem is we are talking with very relative matters. As I stated before, relative numbers are far from insignificant. - 2.5% has severe social(intimate) anxiety, than (at least) 7.5% of population is long term sexually frustrated and how many of them are (secretly) unhappy? Now, do the simple math and you have absolute numbers. What are consequences of such states? Depression, emotional instability, frustration, iritability, worsened health (due to stress, depression which has severe consequences on metabolism!), and naturally - social issues. As a person who went through these mental states when I was younger I can tell - I do now know worse pain (never experienced even remotelly so difficult as handling this) and don't know of anything so challenging either (for me).

 

 

"Hell, it requires far more effort for the average joe/jane to land a minimum-wage job."

 

Finding a partner (at least for "some" which in EU will be millions, tents of millions) takes at least months, if not years... Now, Add mental and social consquences stated above and consider yourself if it's so neglictible issue.

 

PS: I am really refering to mostly males here. One reason is I have no deeper data of females, second, not only it does not seem to appear Young(!) females would face more serious difficulties but above all does not make sense from biological and cultural perspective. The case of single, widowed, divorced aging females is very different, however...

 

 

PPS: I could remotely compare this issue to breast cancer - about 12% of (female) population will develop this disease, most of them in late stage of their life. Personally I know nobody who ever experienced this issue, therefore I might think it's vaste of words. But that would be very wrong of me, right? There are millions of people suffering out there (that just I, myself, happen not to know personally).

Edited December 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WaitingForBardot]

Weird. I'm in my 40's; if I were to divorce I plan on having a new boyfriend within a month...maybe less.

 

 

(Life's too short not to be in love. )

I'm with you. Although I figure it could take up to six months, I have no doubt I would find a woman that would be a good fit. And, most importantly, one that liked me back...

[Vilgefoz]

OP,

...

 

Anyway, you know what person is loveshy too? Stiffler! (that actor from American Pie who played Stiffler the handsome douche, he later admited "not having a gf until age of 30 because he was extremely shy aroung girls").

 

As you can see, the problem I started talk about is far from very limited group of extraordinary socially incompatible people, as it might seem to "normal" people.

[Vilgefoz]

I never encountered these 'armies'.

 

Anyways zero out of 18 have never had a relationship.

 

You are talking about Your personal experience and 18 people.

 

If I assumed as you, few years ago when I talked more with people about their intimate life I would say "majority of people are seriously frustrated, eveb depressed and mostly those who deserve it least." (today I avoid this topic except for this forum).

 

That would be very wrong of me, of course. I am talking about some % of population, let's say up to 25% of male youth who are disadvantaged, some struggling, some even frustrated.

 

 

 

and above all please remeber that similar types of people tend to gather in same social cycles. If you are the type who has been mostly happy in intiate life, expect most people gathering around you to be like you.

[hotpotato]

You can still do that with a girlfriend. In fact I've seen tons of couples taking selfies at the Eiffel Tower and Stonehenge . Not seeing the point here.

 

You can so thise things, but its not the same.

That could be what distinguishes less social people like myself from others- i want to go on a spiritual journey, learn abt thw world learn about myself. Im just not that concerned with being social.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Not sure why would one even believe this even happened. It's a website promoting some "how to succeed with women." course. I cringe when I see those template/cookie cutter-based websites.

 

Nevertheless that 33 year old guy should have given up

[ZA Dater]

Thank you.

 

Allow me to explain your feelings. Following statement is a fact: According to Maslow's pyramid of hierarchies, sex is basic physical need just like food or sleep. It's depriavation leads to both physical and mental issues comparable to lack of sleep, for instance - moodiness, irritability, depression... Having a close partner is basic social need. Not satisfying this one is like not having any friend or somebody to trust around you. Again, it leads to severe mental issues. Third, love is some sort of self-realization need. Not having love is again similar to let's say doing a job you don't like, not feeling satisied with. Burn out, feeling dry and empty is common symptom.

 

It's only natural you feel all these feelings. If you did not, THAT would be weird. Possibly person with borderline cynical personality disorder would be trully long-term ok with lack of intimate partner without any consequences...

 

 

Another profound post which made me think a bit. I am soon to be 32 and am I no closer to having sex than I was at 22 and all the feelings you mention above are pretty real for me, granted I am slim, fit and athletic but I do suffer from being irritable and I seldom sleep well.

 

 

I feel that empty feeling very often, the slight cure I have to help others in any way I can but inevitably that feeling comes back fairly quickly.

 

 

Another thing I think that's not helping people like me and others is the fact that people don't really understand what it is like to be in this situation.

 

 

"there are lots of cars, look she is hot"

" go to a strip club"

 

Or the most humiliating thing of all, people try set you up with people they themselves wouldn't look twice at.

 

 

I think if one looks at people who haven't experienced intimacy you will find the following common characteristics

: shy

: not a follower of the crowd

: highly developed intellect

 

 

Then you ask yourself this question, how many ladies would want to be with a 31 year old virgin? Not many.

 

 

Me, I am chasing an ideal at the moment, something I have chased for over a year and to be honest I am no closer now than I was then but at least when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night I can think about how much I would love to take her on a date, this motivates me but I also know deep down the chances of that actually happening are slim at best.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

And I've been a user of the site GirlsAskGuys for a couple of years now, and I recently came in contact with a woman user on there who claims she is 44 and never had a boyfriend, yes that's right, 44, that kinda made me lose a bit of my envy for women a bit, because it is generally assumed men are more likely than women are to reach 30+ years of age with out having had a relationship

[Heatherknows]

I'm with you. Although I figure it could take up to six months, I have no doubt I would find a woman that would be a good fit. And, most importantly, one that liked me back...

 

If your heart is open and you have a good sense of humor: you'll never be alone.

 

(IMO)

[Heatherknows]

Another profound post which made me think a bit. I am soon to be 32 and am I no closer to having sex than I was at 22 and all the feelings you mention above are pretty real for me, granted I am slim, fit and athletic but I do suffer from being irritable and I seldom sleep well.

 

 

 

Then you ask yourself this question, how many ladies would want to be with a 31 year old virgin? Not many.

 

 

 

I lost my virginity at 17 not because I was dying to have sex but I was so freaking curious at what the whole fuss was about.

 

I'm sure if you wanted to have sex you could. Why are you waiting so long? And you don't have to tell the woman it's your first time. If you had an STD you must tell but virginity can be a secret.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Weird. I'm in my 40's; if I were to divorce I plan on having a new boyfriend within a month...maybe less.

 

 

(Life's too short not to be in love. )

 

Wait...are you married currently? I am wondering why a married woman would even be thinking about this in the first place.