Why there are so many 20-30 y.o. "forever alone" people?

[MGX]

It is when that person can't take the hint and leave me alone. I got that issue with a very annoying co-worker, always getting into my space despite my body language says otherwise.

 

Did you outright tell the co-worker that you aren't interested in him? Not all men understand body language or subtle hints.

[hasaquestion]

Did you outright tell the co-worker that you aren't interested in him? Not all men understand body language or subtle hints.

 

So we're supposed to narrate our body language now?

 

"I'm putting my hands on my hips now guys! Just letting you know that I'm subconsciously conveying preparedness and aggression!"

"I hate to interrupt your story, just want to let you know that the reason I'm tilting my head is because I don't find it entertaining so far."

"Before we continue, I'd like to take a moment to point out that I am standing with my feet closed and keeping my distance because I am not interested in continuing this conversation."

 

Why do you think he should be expected to outright tell the co-worker to go away? Is it his fault the co-worker isn't listening?

[JustGettingBy]

So we're supposed to narrate our body language now?

 

"I'm putting my hands on my hips now guys! Just letting you know that I'm subconsciously conveying preparedness and aggression!"

"I hate to interrupt your story, just want to let you know that the reason I'm tilting my head is because I don't find it entertaining so far."

"Before we continue, I'd like to take a moment to point out that I am standing with my feet closed and keeping my distance because I am not interested in continuing this conversation."

 

Why do you think he should be expected to outright tell the co-worker to go away? Is it his fault the co-worker isn't listening?

 

Okay, as someone who has spent 100's of hours looking up body language and still struggles, should I avoid all conversations and never start talking to anyone because I don't understand it?

[hasaquestion]

Okay, as someone who has spent 100's of hours looking up body language and still struggles, should I avoid all conversations and never start talking to anyone because I don't understand it?

 

I'm not saying that. Look, people speak all sorts of different languages. And that's okay. But its selfish to expect people to do everything your way. The other poster can't arbitrarily decide that any mode of communication that doesn't suit his preferences doesn't meet the cutoff for "a polite rejection".

 

We all miss hints by the way. Its not just you. That's part of the imprecision of being a human being! The fact that an interaction breaks down because of it isn't the end of the world. After all, if two people aren't on the same wavelength, it is what it is.

 

But decreeing that all must be on your wavelength, that all must communicate the way you want them to... that's unfair. Socializing is a two way street and you and the other party have a mutual role and responsibility in what happens. Does that make sense?

[JustGettingBy]

I'm not saying that. Look, people speak all sorts of different languages. And that's okay. But its selfish to expect people to do everything your way. The other poster can't arbitrarily decide that any mode of communication that doesn't suit his preferences doesn't meet the cutoff for "a polite rejection".

 

We all miss hints by the way. Its not just you. That's part of the imprecision of being a human being! The fact that an interaction breaks down because of it isn't the end of the world. After all, if two people aren't on the same wavelength, it is what it is.

 

But decreeing that all must be on your wavelength, that all must communicate the way you want them to... that's unfair. Socializing is a two way street and you and the other party have a mutual role and responsibility in what happens. Does that make sense?

 

I understand that, and I like the happy medium. But you're also saying 'If this person doesn't understand it, his problem. Maybe the co-worker is unable to see that it is polite rejection via body language, and needs to be told "I'm busy now", or "Sorry, but I'm working on this", and compromise the same way you would likely use sign language or written word when talking to a deaf person.

 

Your way is body language, but sometimes you also have to accept that saying everyone must communicate that way is also unfair in the same way.

[MGX]

So we're supposed to narrate our body language now?

 

"I'm putting my hands on my hips now guys! Just letting you know that I'm subconsciously conveying preparedness and aggression!"

"I hate to interrupt your story, just want to let you know that the reason I'm tilting my head is because I don't find it entertaining so far."

"Before we continue, I'd like to take a moment to point out that I am standing with my feet closed and keeping my distance because I am not interested in continuing this conversation."

 

Why do you think he should be expected to outright tell the co-worker to go away? Is it his fault the co-worker isn't listening?

 

I was asking ltjg45 a specific question about HER experience.

 

But since hasaquestion seems to be offended by this, I'll ask this person why not just tell him "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested" from the start, instead of beating around the bush with innuendoes? Except for the extreme examples, that's all it takes.

 

Yet, this sounds like something that is very hard for women to do.

[hasaquestion]

I was asking ltjg45 a specific question about HER experience.

 

But since hasaquestion seems to be offended by this, I'll ask this person why not just tell him "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested" from the start, instead of beating around the bush with innuendoes? Except for the extreme examples, that's all it takes.

 

Yet, this sounds like something that is very hard for women to do.

 

You're missing the point. You are making the judgement that other people are "beating around the bush with innuendoes". They aren't. They are directly communicating with you. You aren't the supreme moral arbiter of communication styles. You can't write off people's efforts to communicate with you as trivial and indirect just because you miss them.

 

I understand that, and I like the happy medium. But you're also saying 'If this person doesn't understand it, his problem. Maybe the co-worker is unable to see that it is polite rejection via body language, and needs to be told "I'm busy now", or "Sorry, but I'm working on this", and compromise the same way you would likely use sign language or written word when talking to a deaf person.

 

Your way is body language, but sometimes you also have to accept that saying everyone must communicate that way is also unfair in the same way.

 

Your perspective is fair. And I think you are right that people ought to take more responsibility for getting their message across. What I take issue to is entitlement that others are morally obligated to be "direct". When direct doesn't really mean direct, but a subset of the many ways one can be direct. Maybe some people aren't compatible if they don't understand each other? That kind of entitlement sounds symptomatic of bigger issues to me.

[MGX]

You're missing the point. You are making the judgement that other people are "beating around the bush with innuendoes". They aren't. They are directly communicating with you. You aren't the supreme moral arbiter of communication styles. You can't write off people's efforts to communicate with you as trivial and indirect just because you miss them.

 

What I take issue to is entitlement that others are morally obligated to be "direct". When direct doesn't really mean direct, but a subset of the many ways one can be direct. Maybe some people aren't compatible if they don't understand each other? That kind of entitlement sounds symptomatic of bigger issues to me.

 

Entitlement?!! This is about how YOU want to do things. Let me explain in a less passive aggressive manner.

 

Communication only works if the other person receives and understands your message.

 

If you put up a sign in Japanese that says "Please keep off the grass", will it work on an American who doesn't read Japanese?

 

Now if an American came out and yelled "Hey, get off my lawn!", that's something the person WILL understand.

 

You're "speaking" in a way that the other person isn't understanding. Maybe you should relay the message in a language that they can both obviously understand. Hence, the whole why not just tell him "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested".

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Edited December 11, 2015 by MGX

[Qboro90]

Way I see it there is so very few people I genuinely like that if this doesn't work out I can quite easily walk away because its so seldom I meet anyone I am interested in. Age isn't making me any more desirable, if anything inexperience with age makes me considerably less desirable.

 

Its easy to sit and say oh there are other, when in fact there are not, its yet more difficult to look back and see one has had NO discernible success EVER at dating, in other words there is no real motivation to continue when every single time one is rejected and please don't tell me everyone gets rejected because I have yet to meet a slim, athletic 31 yo who has not been kissed or had a gf.

 

People don't understand what its like to carry that baggage around.

 

 

But you yourself have said that you do not approach women at all. Other than the few OLD dates you've gone on that haven't resulted in anything then help us understand where you are interacting with women who you can possibly date? If you don't like the girls your friends set you up with, and you go out with girls from OLD that you already know you won't like beforehand based on their profile then I find it hard to believe that there are no options for a 31 yo slim employed white male.

 

If I was 31 and single, the lack of desirable women to date wouldn't be a concern of mine whatsoever. At 31 yo you have the age range of 23-35 at your disposal. Even if you don't like older women , 23-31 is a huge demographic and simple math and statistics would tell you that they are out there. You're not the one guy in the world who is living in an area where there are 0 attractive, intelligent, interesting single women living. Just not possible.

[Qboro90]

Way I see it there is so very few people I genuinely like that if this doesn't work out I can quite easily walk away because its so seldom I meet anyone I am interested in. Age isn't making me any more desirable, if anything inexperience with age makes me considerably less desirable.

 

Its easy to sit and say oh there are other, when in fact there are not, its yet more difficult to look back and see one has had NO discernible success EVER at dating, in other words there is no real motivation to continue when every single time one is rejected and please don't tell me everyone gets rejected because I have yet to meet a slim, athletic 31 yo who has not been kissed or had a gf.

 

People don't understand what its like to carry that baggage around.

 

 

I also think you're overdramatizing your age in this matter as a undesirable factor. 31 and single is completely normal. Not a big deal whatsoever. And since you're not going to be telling the women you go out with that you've never kissed a girl, had a gf, or had sex, then by all accounts, you're a completely normal guy who has a job and is just single in his very early 30s. No woman is going to see your age and think "red flag" so stop using that as a crutch to lean on as to why you think time is running out. It's not.

 

I'm not saying I understand what a lifetime of rejection with 0 success feels like. I'm pointing out things you can do and ways to think so that while you might have road blocks to get past, you're not building some of those blocks yourself by believing certain things about age and projecting how women will view you.

 

Your issue likely is a combination between social awkwardness and communicating in a way that women are put off by or don't find appealing, and being extremely picky and selective with what women you approach, go out with, and even like. Many men have very high standards and even if dating a girl they like, there are always girls around during life that they can find attractive or appealing. The fact that this is so foreign to you and non existent leads me to believ that it's something that has to do with you and your mindset/way you think and not the uniquely limited supply of single desireable educated 23-31 yo women in your area.