Some input is greatly appreciated!

[MellyMel]

Hi there,

 

 

First and foremost, I apologize if a similar thread was posted before, but I really need some support/answers.

 

My husband and I have known each other for 12 years, have been together for 8, married for almost 5. Three nights ago he came home from work and told me that he was moving out at the end of January. He said that he's done. He has emotionally tapped out of our marriage. He doesn't have patience for the relationship and doesn't want to work on our marriage.

 

A bit of background: Last year I came home and most of his stuff was gone. He called to tell me that he left. He moved into his cousin's house. He didn't even have the decency to sit me down. I was in shock. Our marriage isn't perfect, but the problems that we had were pretty minor in comparison to what I used to hear from other people. After two weeks apart we decided to work on our marriage. He moved back in. Things were going well. I tried VERY hard to change my ways (things that I needed to change). He finally acknowledged the other night that I truly did try.

 

Looking back, our biggest mistake was that we didn't go to counselling the first time he left. I'm the planner in the relationship. I've always made myself more emotionally available. I cater more. I think he just got tired of how I've made everything too easy for him. I could be wrong. I truly thought that having honest conversations would make things better. Plus, I figured, since he complains that I always pre-plan, he would take the initiative and find a counsellor. Clearly, he didn't. Instead he wants out.

 

He has agreed to see a counsellor with me - "not to save the marriage but for us to gain a deeper understanding of why things went wrong". I told him that unlike last time, I'm on board (lied. I had to appear strong), but I do have hope that we might have a breakthrough in counselling. It's hard to think positively when his 'move out date' is looming over my head.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if I should tell him I love him? Do I carry on as if everything is normal or give him space before we see a counsellor? We cuddled for over an hour after crying for almost 2.5 hours discussing our relationship the other night. He says that he wants to focus on himself. He doesn't have the energy for us anymore.

 

I am really confused. Today, I'm really angry. I'm slowly realizing that he's been emotionally abusing me by threatening to leave every time we got into an argument for the past 12 months. He clearly knows he has the upper hand. I recently lost my job. He is the provider in our household. He asked me to pick something up yesterday and followed up with 'thanks, babe!". I feel like I'm losing my mind. I asked him if he wanted to check out a show with me in February, he said "I don't know where WE will be in Feb". I told my parents who have always supported me in life. They love him, but my dad said that he didn't want to tell me this but never liked how cold he was with me.

 

Do I give him the space that he needs and show him what being single would be really like? Should I move in with my parents? He made it a point to tell me that we'll always be best friends regardless of what happens. I finally stood up for myself and said no. If you want our marriage to end, I can't be in your life. I won't be your friend. How will I ever move on if you're in my life? He responded "If that's what you want."

 

I feel like he's going through an early mid-life crisis (he's 34).

 

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I'm trying to focus on myself but it's hard when we still live together. Sleep in the same bed (no sex) and communicate as if the end isn't a strong reality. I'm losing my mind.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Rdavis]

I am not one to give you advise, as I have been asking also. But I want you to know that I, and I'm sure everyone else on this forum will help however they can.

[ShatteredLady]

Ok, I have to ask the obvious question (from my experience) Is there another woman? Have you snooped?

 

I think the cruelest thing that someone can do is say "It's over in a month or 2". That's INSANITY making!!! No understanding, empathic human being would do that to someone!! I've been through that & the damage it inflicts isn't worth it. It made me feel like I was on trial but no-one would tell me what for! I felt like there was something, anything, I could do to save my marriage...if I said or did the wrong thing it would be over. That's beyond crazy!! It's walking on eggshells.

 

My logic says...if he wants it to be over kick him out! Stop playing games. You will loose so much of yourself. If its over, it's over NOW!! It's emotionally & physically BROKEN me! So...now he wants me but I'm left with the crazy. Will he want me tomorrow? If I do something wrong will I be on egg shells again?

 

He might be having one of those crisis. Midlife or whatever! The only solution I can think of is 'call his bluff!'. Why would you, as a self respecting person, put-up with this crap?? I know the answer. I've been emotionally tortured like this! I've got little kids. What's your excuse?

 

I'm not being mean, truly I'm not. Be brave. Be strong! Vows don't mean the same to everyone. He's in control. No-one should ever control you in the name of love!

[MellyMel]

RDavis: Thank you for the kind words. I really needed to hear or rather read them today.

 

ShatteredLady: I'm sorry that you had to go through a similar ordeal. This is soul crushing. I had an interview today and luckily arrived a bit early so I managed to clean myself up as I burst into tears when he texted me "GOOD LUCK!".

 

I have asked and snooped (a bit) and he said there was no other woman. I also couldn't find anything. I really don't think he's lying, but since he's managed to surprise me so much lately - this would just be another kick in the face.

 

I completely agree with you. He is not the person that I fell in love with.Especially since he acts pretty normal (nice) towards me. Our neighbour had invited us over for dinner tonight and he talked about our future plans (as if he didn't tell me three days ago that we didn't have any). When I confronted him at home about it, he just said that not everyone has to know. He has a point there, but why bother mentioning anything at all? Unless you are playing mind games.

 

He knows that I depend on him and that I have nowhere to go because of my job situation (at the moment). So I can't really kick him out, I would have to leave - he had the place before I was in the picture. I'm not a nasty person. I could never do this to another human being - much less my husband. I especially wouldn't dare to do this if I knew they were going through so much already emotionally (job loss, my mom is sick).

 

He's going away on business for a week and I feel like I should just ignore him.If he truly wants to be alone he has to know that I'm not going to be there as his emotional lifeline.

 

I consider myself a pretty strong, family oriented, loyal woman. The fact that I'm so reliant on him saddens me greatly but that's my situation at the moment. I truly wish I had the financial backing to just leave.

[whichwayisup]

Then tell him not to contact you while he's away because YOU need that time and space to work through stuff.

 

He's detached and sadly for you it seems that happened a long time ago. He's mind is more or less made up. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you!! Even though you love him and right now your world is turned upside down, you will get through this with the support and love of your family and friends.

[MellyMel]

whichwayisup: That's exactly what I told him.

 

I agree with you, but he's also giving me a lot of mixed signals. I'm sure there's confusion on his part and denial on mine, but I strongly feel that he just has to work through some of his own issues first.

 

Emotionally we are on two different levels as he perceives my attentiveness as smothering. We do things separately, we go away together and with friends separately, we have an active social life together and separately ...so it's not as though I demand that he's always with me. I, too, love my alone time.

 

He doesn't know how to channel extra emotion in a positive direction. He's never had anyone else be as loving towards him as I am (this stems from his childhood). He is naturally more pessimistic and tends to always look for an easy way out of every situation in life. He's a bit on the lazy side (except career wise).

 

I don't think he's caught up to life and feels immense pressure and probably lost himself along the way. I suggested that he go travel by himself for a month to think things through as will I. I know what it's like to feel like you're losing yourself but I'm also much more grounded than he is. This is probably by fault. I've spoiled him.

 

 

I know that I deserve a much better version of my husband. If he's not interested in working hard for him to come out, I know parting ways is the best thing for ME. It's hard to even think about that.

 

I'm really hoping that counselling will give us both a different perspective.

[stillafool]

RDavis:

 

 

He knows that I depend on him and that I have nowhere to go because of my job situation (at the moment). So I can't really kick him out, I would have to leave - he had the place before I was in the picture. I'm not a nasty person. I could never do this to another human being - much less my husband. I especially wouldn't dare to do this if I knew they were going through so much already emotionally (job loss, my mom is sick).

 

 

I consider myself a pretty strong, family oriented, loyal woman. The fact that I'm so reliant on him saddens me greatly but that's my situation at the moment. I truly wish I had the financial backing to just leave.

 

You have loss all of your power because you depend on him. I would suggest you stop begging him and acting like you want to stay together. You should move in with your parents and spend all of your time looking for a new job (any job at this point to keep your mind busy), go back to school, exercise and start concentrating on self improvement and not him.

This is your best chance to seem more attractive in his eyes and let him see this strong woman he is giving up. As long as you sit home, jobless, waiting on him his attraction to you will become less and less.

[MellyMel]

You have loss all of your power because you depend on him. I would suggest you stop begging him and acting like you want to stay together. You should move in with your parents and spend all of your time looking for a new job (any job at this point to keep your mind busy), go back to school, exercise and start concentrating on self improvement and not him.

This is your best chance to seem more attractive in his eyes and let him see this strong woman he is giving up. As long as you sit home, jobless, waiting on him his attraction to you will become less and less.

 

Thank you! I am trying to do that with the exception of moving out as I'm waiting for our counselling to start. But I will definitely distance myself emotionally and physically (he's not here this week anyway). I've started exercising and I'm forcing myself to go out and enjoy life whilst being surrounded by incredible people in my life (despite that they don't know what is happening).

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you! I am trying to do that with the exception of moving out as I'm waiting for our counselling to start. But I will definitely distance myself emotionally and physically (he's not here this week anyway). I've started exercising and I'm forcing myself to go out and enjoy life whilst being surrounded by incredible people in my life (despite that they don't know what is happening).

 

The "180" was designed for you and your situation. It's designed to wake up your spouse while you move on with your life is a positive direction with or without him. In a nutshell:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

 

Mr. Lucky

[MellyMel]

The "180" was designed for you and your situation. It's designed to wake up your spouse while you move on with your life is a positive direction with or without him. In a nutshell:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wow. Thank you, Mr. Lucky. I really needed to read this today. He left for his business trip and has been texting me randomness en route to the airport (while I was writing this he called - I ignored his phone call). I have yet to respond. I'm going out with a few friends tonight. He overheard him make plans yesterday on the phone and made a point to comment once I hung up. "Who is Laura? Never heard of her." I didn't bother to retort.

 

I've also lost 6 lbs in 4 days because of the stress that this has caused. I just don't have an appetite. I've been forcing myself to drink smoothies because that's all I can keep down. He walked in on me changing last night and commented on how small my waist looks. Again, I didn't acknowledge his comment.

 

The more time passes by, the more I realize what I deserve and how immature and unfair he is. I still love him of course and want to save my marriage, but I really hope that he has a breakthrough in counselling.

[66Charger]

I am only posting to reinforce Mr Luckys 180 suggestion. Follow it daily. Your case is textbook for a 180.

If he is already asking "who is Laura" expect some roses by Christmas, however you should remain firm. Make sure you let him know, if he plays games, he is going to lose.

 

His counseling may give him a breakthrough. Your behaviour may give him a well deserved slap in the face.

Edited December 5, 2015 by 66Charger

[MellyMel]

I am only posting to reinforce Mr Luckys 180 suggestion. Follow it daily. Your case is textbook for a 180.

If he is already asking "who is Laura" expect some roses by Christmas, however you should remain firm. Make sure you let him know, if he plays games, he is going to lose.

 

His counseling may give him a breakthrough. Your behaviour may give him a well deserved slap in the face.

 

I really appreciate all the helpful feedback. I'm trying to navigate through this **** storm as best as I can without coming across desperate. It hurts.

 

He texted me on the plane said he'll text once he lands, I didn't respond. I won't. He gets back late next Friday. Should I even be home? If he wants to be alone. He needs to experience what alone would feel like.

[oldshirt]

let's have a little reality check here. Your husband has stated in plain English he is leaving you in six weeks. Why are you talking about counselors and business trips and sleeping arrangments etc and not hiring an attorney and working up a divorce plan and a financial survival plan and a division of marital property plan????

 

 

If you were given credible information that there was going to be a hurricane or a Tsunami or a volcanic eruption or a zombie apocalypse, wouldn't you start making preparations to take care of yourself? Why aren't you working with an attorney to make plans and preparations for if he makes good on his word and leaves?

 

 

If he is being this matter of fact about it, he has probably been working on a plan for months, you are behind he 8-ball here.

 

 

Stop talking about relationship crap and start preparing for divorce court.

 

 

Once you have an attorney secured and a solid divorce plan and a post-divorce plan in place to protect yourself and keep a roof over your head and food in your belly, then you can talk about feelings and stuff.

 

 

Food and rent come first. Feelings and relationship stuff come later.

[LydiaLong]

Painful as it is, I think you should face the fact that he really doesn't want to be married. You deserve someone who will love you and not treat you like this. Start a new phase of your life.

[MellyMel]

let's have a little reality check here. Your husband has stated in plain English he is leaving you in six weeks. Why are you talking about counselors and business trips and sleeping arrangments etc and not hiring an attorney and working up a divorce plan and a financial survival plan and a division of marital property plan????

 

 

If you were given credible information that there was going to be a hurricane or a Tsunami or a volcanic eruption or a zombie apocalypse, wouldn't you start making preparations to take care of yourself? Why aren't you working with an attorney to make plans and preparations for if he makes good on his word and leaves?

 

 

If he is being this matter of fact about it, he has probably been working on a plan for months, you are behind he 8-ball here.

 

 

Stop talking about relationship crap and start preparing for divorce court.

 

 

Once you have an attorney secured and a solid divorce plan and a post-divorce plan in place to protect yourself and keep a roof over your head and food in your belly, then you can talk about feelings and stuff.

 

 

Food and rent come first. Feelings and relationship stuff come later.

 

You know what? It's excruciating to even think about that although I know I should.

 

Counselling is his idea. I know this man very well and although it might come across like I'm in denial, the things that he says to me, how he acts DESPITE saying what he said last week tells me that he's perhaps confused, frustrated, etc. If he is and wants to work on our marriage, saying what he said is absolutely unacceptable. I'm hoping that counselling will help us understand a few things and why he tends to always take things this far.

 

I wish I could turn off my feelings. I truly do. It would make my life and healing process a lot easier.

[MellyMel]

Painful as it is, I think you should face the fact that he really doesn't want to be married. You deserve someone who will love you and not treat you like this. Start a new phase of your life.

 

I'm slowly coming to terms with that despite the mixed messages that I get from him. I agree 100%. I deserve someone who will be there for me as much as I have been of my husband. He has taken my love and devotion for granted. I shouldn't dissect and overanalyze why, but I can't help it.

 

I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm more afraid of simply being alone than losing him.

[oldshirt]

You know what? It's excruciating to even think about that although I know I should.

 

Counselling is his idea. I know this man very well and although it might come across like I'm in denial, the things that he says to me, how he acts DESPITE saying what he said last week tells me that he's perhaps confused, frustrated, etc. If he is and wants to work on our marriage, saying what he said is absolutely unacceptable. I'm hoping that counselling will help us understand a few things and why he tends to always take things this far.

 

I wish I could turn off my feelings. I truly do. It would make my life and healing process a lot easier.

 

 

 

OK, read what I am saying very carefully. Things like 'hope', feelings, counseling, conversation, understanding etc etc do not put food on the table, a roof over your head or pay the bills.

 

 

He has told you to your face in plain English he is leaving you and he has shown the capability of doing it. Yes yes yes there are always mixed signals and always rays of hope blah blah blah, but you have to believe what he has said and take it seriously and you need to act accordingly.

 

 

Again, read what I am saying thoroughly, you can go to counseling, you can be willing to address issues and keep all options open and on the table - but be prepared for the worst first.

 

 

Have your ducks in a row and be prepared to walk into court and prevail. Do not put your future and your financial survival and your roof over your head, all on "hopes' that he will change his fickle, wishy washy, little mind. Take charge of your own destiny and your own well being.

 

 

I am not telling you to file for divorce tomorrow and have him come home to an empty house (although, I wouldn't blame you if you did and that plan does in fact have some sound merit to it)

 

 

What I am saying is put everything else on hold and put all your time and energies into securing a good, competent divorce attorney and coming up with a solid divorce plan to protect yourself and protect your interests.

 

 

Have all your ducks in a row, all your wagons circled and everything ready so that you can pull the ejection handle the moment things look like they really are going to take a nose dive.

 

 

Your H has some serious issues going on whether he stays or leaves, you are up a creek here and you need to have some solid contingency plans in place.

 

 

You are sticking your head in the sand and "hoping" that this blows over. Hope doesn't pay bills. You have to have a plan in place and be ready, willing and able to take definitive action on a moments notice.

 

 

negotiation means absolutely nothing unless you have the ability to go into battle and come out victorious. Anything other than that is not truly negotiating or diplomacy - it is begging for mercy.

 

 

Right now he holds all the cards and all the power. Your only option if he were to file and pull out today would be to beg for mercy and hope he throws you a bone.

 

 

Wake up, grow up, Velcro your ovaries back on and stand up and take charge of your own future and your own wellbeing. Be prepared for him to walk out today and be able to take care of yourself, whether he actually does leave today or not.

[oldshirt]

Here is another thing that is critically important to keep in mind. The more prepared you are to leave yourself and the more ready, willing and able you are to pull the ejection handle yourself and better off you are to walk away and start over a new life, the more he is going to be willing to come to the negotiation table and take you seriously.

 

 

If you are simply at his beck and call and have no spine or teeth of your own, he can simply take his own sweet time and play you like a fiddle for as long as he wants and he can do whatever he wants.

 

 

If you have some self-determination and a plan of your own that you are ready, willing and able to carry out, then he has to step up to the plate and make his move.

 

 

You may end up divorced out the deal, but being divorced and in charge of your own destiny and the freedom to do as you please is a far cry better than living in limbo indefinitely and never knowing what is going to happen to you because someone else holds all of the cards to your life in their hands.

 

 

You have to take back control of your life and at this point that means being prepared divorce and being prepared for your post-divorce life.

 

 

This is just like all those spree killers that tell people they are collecting guns and ammo and then going shooting up the place. People "hope" they won't actually do it and then they do nothing to prepare for it because they are hoping that the killer will change their mind or that someone will talk them out of it.

 

 

He has told you what his intentions and plans are. Believe him. Act accordingly.

[MellyMel]

OK, read what I am saying very carefully. Things like 'hope', feelings, counseling, conversation, understanding etc etc do not put food on the table, a roof over your head or pay the bills.

 

 

He has told you to your face in plain English he is leaving you and he has shown the capability of doing it. Yes yes yes there are always mixed signals and always rays of hope blah blah blah, but you have to believe what he has said and take it seriously and you need to act accordingly.

 

 

Again, read what I am saying thoroughly, you can go to counseling, you can be willing to address issues and keep all options open and on the table - but be prepared for the worst first.

 

 

Have your ducks in a row and be prepared to walk into court and prevail. Do not put your future and your financial survival and your roof over your head, all on "hopes' that he will change his fickle, wishy washy, little mind. Take charge of your own destiny and your own well being.

 

 

I am not telling you to file for divorce tomorrow and have him come home to an empty house (although, I wouldn't blame you if you did and that plan does in fact have some sound merit to it)

 

 

What I am saying is put everything else on hold and put all your time and energies into securing a good, competent divorce attorney and coming up with a solid divorce plan to protect yourself and protect your interests.

 

 

Have all your ducks in a row, all your wagons circled and everything ready so that you can pull the ejection handle the moment things look like they really are going to take a nose dive.

 

 

Your H has some serious issues going on whether he stays or leaves, you are up a creek here and you need to have some solid contingency plans in place.

 

 

You are sticking your head in the sand and "hoping" that this blows over. Hope doesn't pay bills. You have to have a plan in place and be ready, willing and able to take definitive action on a moments notice.

 

 

negotiation means absolutely nothing unless you have the ability to go into battle and come out victorious. Anything other than that is not truly negotiating or diplomacy - it is begging for mercy.

 

 

Right now he holds all the cards and all the power. Your only option if he were to file and pull out today would be to beg for mercy and hope he throws you a bone.

 

 

Wake up, grow up, Velcro your ovaries back on and stand up and take charge of your own future and your own wellbeing. Be prepared for him to walk out today and be able to take care of yourself, whether he actually does leave today or not.

 

 

I really appreciate the honesty.

 

As for splitting up the assets and protecting myself...we live in a very expensive city where most people rent, so we don't have a lot of assets to fight over. I suppose I can take him to the cleaners and take half of what he's got (which isn't a lot), but I'm just not that kind of person. Maybe I'm stupid and naive for being this way, but even if I wasn't, I can't afford an attorney right now without HIS financial assistance.

[MellyMel]

Here is another thing that is critically important to keep in mind. The more prepared you are to leave yourself and the more ready, willing and able you are to pull the ejection handle yourself and better off you are to walk away and start over a new life, the more he is going to be willing to come to the negotiation table and take you seriously.

 

 

If you are simply at his beck and call and have no spine or teeth of your own, he can simply take his own sweet time and play you like a fiddle for as long as he wants and he can do whatever he wants.

 

 

If you have some self-determination and a plan of your own that you are ready, willing and able to carry out, then he has to step up to the plate and make his move.

 

 

You may end up divorced out the deal, but being divorced and in charge of your own destiny and the freedom to do as you please is a far cry better than living in limbo indefinitely and never knowing what is going to happen to you because someone else holds all of the cards to your life in their hands.

 

 

You have to take back control of your life and at this point that means being prepared divorce and being prepared for your post-divorce life.

 

 

This is just like all those spree killers that tell people they are collecting guns and ammo and then going shooting up the place. People "hope" they won't actually do it and then they do nothing to prepare for it because they are hoping that the killer will change their mind or that someone will talk them out of it.

 

 

He has told you what his intentions and plans are. Believe him. Act accordingly.

 

I'm in complete agreement with you. I'm really trying to distance myself (while being cordial) and not make myself so easily accessible to him. I'm a very nurturing and giving person - especially when it comes to my family and friends. If they need something, I'm there. So being the opposite is work. My health and state of mind is far more important and that is why I'm trying.

 

Yesterday he messaged me telling me about his trip...wrote an essay, I responded 6 hours later with just a "Glad you arrived safely". An hour later he followed up with another text asking if I can do a favour for him....I responded this morning and asked if he has tried to Google it.

 

I don't even know if I should bother responding at all. I also don't want MORE tension when he comes back from the business trip. We still live together. We are still trying to coexist. I don't know if I should be home when he returns or just go to my parent's house. A part of me fears that if I'm more assertive and distance myself he'll say that he doesn't want to go to counselling ...since he made a point to tell me that he was only going to figure out what went wrong nor to salvage our relationship.

 

I'm not a stupid person. I'm strong in every aspect of my life, except my relationship. I never even realized that until last year.

[oldshirt]

I really appreciate the honesty.

 

As for splitting up the assets and protecting myself...we live in a very expensive city where most people rent, so we don't have a lot of assets to fight over. I suppose I can take him to the cleaners and take half of what he's got (which isn't a lot), but I'm just not that kind of person. Maybe I'm stupid and naive for being this way, but even if I wasn't, I can't afford an attorney right now without HIS financial assistance.

 

 

 

no one has said anything about taking him to the cleaners or punishing him or inflicting any unnecessary pain on him. I am simply advising you to take this seriously and take serious action to protect yourself and your own self-interests.

 

 

Saying you can't afford an attorney is simply an excuse you are making and a false justification for inaction.

 

 

Do you think there has never been a spouse that has obtained an attorney without cash on the barrel upfront??

 

 

Divorce attorneys work with this situation day in and day out ever day of every week of every month year after year for centuries. This is just another check-off box for them, they deal with this every single day. This is simply another one of the countless details that will need to be worked out. There is no reason for it to be a show stopper. Don't make it one.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

A part of me fears that if I'm more assertive and distance myself he'll say that he doesn't want to go to counselling ...since he made a point to tell me that he was only going to figure out what went wrong nor to salvage our relationship.

.

 

 

 

This means you have nothing more to lose. He has already told you he is leaving next month.

 

 

The reason he told you six weeks in advance is because he holds so much power over you that he can take his own sweet time and feather his nest with the other woman and pack his stuff up at his leisure.

 

 

He has no fear and no concern over anything because he is holding all the cards and you are just sitting in the corner with your fingers crossed hoping everything blows over and works out ok.

 

 

In the mean time he is just leisurely going on about his business on his own timeline.

[MellyMel]

no one has said anything about taking him to the cleaners or punishing him or inflicting any unnecessary pain on him. I am simply advising you to take this seriously and take serious action to protect yourself and your own self-interests.

 

 

Saying you can't afford an attorney is simply an excuse you are making and a false justification for inaction.

 

 

Do you think there has never been a spouse that has obtained an attorney without cash on the barrel upfront??

 

 

Divorce attorneys work with this situation day in and day out ever day of every week of every month year after year for centuries. This is just another check-off box for them, they deal with this every single day. This is simply another one of the countless details that will need to be worked out. There is no reason for it to be a show stopper. Don't make it one.

 

It's not an excuse as I've looked into one and they all require some sort of payment upfront - at least where I live. I'll have to do some more research and see what my options are. Thank you for your input.

[MellyMel]

This means you have nothing more to lose. He has already told you he is leaving next month.

 

 

The reason he told you six weeks in advance is because he holds so much power over you that he can take his own sweet time and feather his nest with the other woman and pack his stuff up at his leisure.

 

 

He has no fear and no concern over anything because he is holding all the cards and you are just sitting in the corner with your fingers crossed hoping everything blows over and works out ok.

 

 

In the mean time he is just leisurely going on about his business on his own timeline.

 

Right. You're absolutely right. But his alleged departure date also doesn't make much sense to me as he will be out of the country on another business trip. I know that I come across like I'm grasping at straws (and in a way I am), but the reason why I'm a stand-still is because I need some clarification about his mixed messages from a professional. Maybe I'm holding out for hope. Maybe I'm in deep denial.

[oldshirt]

It's not an excuse as I've looked into one and they all require some sort of payment upfront - at least where I live. I'll have to do some more research and see what my options are. Thank you for your input.

 

 

 

this is very common in divorce and a number of years ago it was the norm. most law firms will allow an initial consultation at no charge where these types of things are discussed.

 

 

If you simply call the office number and ask how much it is, the receptionist answering the phone will tell you that they require "X" amount upfront to retain their services.

 

 

If you actually schedule an initial consultation and sit down and go over the situation, most will work out some kind contingency plan that includes payment taken out of the final judgment.

 

 

There are probably some firms that will require something up front and if you can't work that out with them, let them be the ones that reject you. Don't reject yourself preemptively without even trying.