Some input is greatly appreciated!

[oldshirt]

but the reason why I'm a stand-still is because I need some clarification about his mixed messages from a professional. Maybe I'm holding out for hope. Maybe I'm in deep denial.

 

 

 

This is what several of us are trying to tell you. Do NOT STAND STILL AND WAIT FOR HIM TO BE CLEAR ON HIS INTENTIONS. Take your own action to take care of yourself and protect yourself.

 

 

You will always be grasping at straws of hope. Your mind will always be conjuring up invisible signs that he wants to stand by your side forever and live happily ever after.

 

 

The sign you need to work with is the one where he said he was leaving you next month. THAT IS YOUR SIGN!!!!!!!!!

 

 

If you wait until he is chrystal clear on his intentions, you will be standing out in the street in the rain with the final divorce decree in your hands.

 

 

The time to prepare and protect yourself is now.

[MellyMel]

This is what several of us are trying to tell you. Do NOT STAND STILL AND WAIT FOR HIM TO BE CLEAR ON HIS INTENTIONS. Take your own action to take care of yourself and protect yourself.

 

 

You will always be grasping at straws of hope. Your mind will always be conjuring up invisible signs that he wants to stand by your side forever and live happily ever after.

 

 

The sign you need to work with is the one where he said he was leaving you next month. THAT IS YOUR SIGN!!!!!!!!!

 

 

If you wait until he is chrystal clear on his intentions, you will be standing out in the street in the rain with the final divorce decree in your hands.

 

 

The time to prepare and protect yourself is now.

 

I definitely understand what you're saying. I'm trying. I'm distancing myself as much as I can. I don't want to be in the house when he gets back from the trip. I think I will go to my parents place.

 

It's just an extremely confusing time because we still have to coexist together. He acts as if he didn't say ANYTHING to me. He checks up with me, tells me about his day, he asked if we wanted to go away in two weeks. WTF????

 

Our first counselling session is next week and I'm hoping that I'll get some guidance from it. I'm really looking forward to it because I'm having a hard time coping with everything.

[MellyMel]

I forgot to add that I'm seriously contemplating traveling broad for a few months if we really separate. I was looking into a few destinations (where I can work). Should I mention this to him to see what his reaction would be? Or keep it to myself.

[oldshirt]

I forgot to add that I'm seriously contemplating traveling broad for a few months if we really separate. I was looking into a few destinations (where I can work). Should I mention this to him to see what his reaction would be? Or keep it to myself.

 

 

 

Other posters can chime in on whatever they want.

 

 

I am not going to address anything that does not directly involve getting a lawyer and preparing for a possible divorce.

[MellyMel]

I forgot to add that I'm seriously contemplating traveling broad for a few months if we really separate. I was looking into a few destinations (where I can work). Should I mention this to him to see what his reaction would be? Or keep it to myself.

 

*edit ABROAD

 

Thanks for your input anyway, oldshirt!

[MellyMel]

I just wanted to update you all, and perhaps find the courage to do something about this dark place that I've found myself in.

 

He came back from his business trip. I wasn't home when he came, but I did arrive 4-5 hours later. We greeted each other, but it wasn't anything overly lovey. He asked me what I've been doing etc. I asked him about his trip and said that I've just been enjoying life, reconnecting with friends and thinking about us. He then asked "what conclusion did you come to about us?". I said that I would prefer to talk to a therapist about it first, he agreed, but 10 minutes later asked again. Before I had a chance to answer he said that he still wants us to separate but continue going to counselling.

 

After he said that he started acting as if nothing is wrong with our marriage. As if he doesn't want out. Even asked why I was acting reserved. Took me out to dinner on Monday because I got a job (that's one positive thing about my life right now). I know I shouldn't have agreed to go to dinner, but at the same time, a part of me wants my marriage to work out. Maybe I'm foolish for having hope, but he really gives me mixed signals. I don't know if it's guilt on his part or just confusion.

 

We had our first therapy session last night. It was pretty pointless because he made it clear that he wants us to separate, but will continue going to therapy to find when and where the disconnect happened, and "maybe I'll have an epiphany and want to work this out." My heart shattered last night AGAIN because a part of me was hoping he'd say that he wants to work on it and see what happens in the next couple of months. Instead he just reiterated what he had been saying for a few weeks: He wants us to separate and he's moving out at the end of next month. When we got home he said that he felt the therapist was biased because she was agreeing with some of the points I was making. No, she's not biased. I just make sense and know what I want unlike him.

 

This is tearing me apart, but he needs to know that I can live without him. I just don't have the courage to leave. I feel that since he wants to be alone, I should leave our place so he can experience being alone without any communication with me. That being said, I still want to go to therapy to see if he will come to his senses.

 

When we are together, we act as if this isn't about to end. It's really strange. We even had sex last night. I don't know what we were thinking. When I brought up seeing other people in a random conversation he said "you're still married." BUT you want out? So what's the problem?

[gbe2015]

Pack his bags and pack yours. Tell him to leave. If he doesn't go, you go. You need to get away from him and away from that situation. Go to a lawyer asap.

 

My ex-wife lingered before leaving - about 4 weeks, doing what yours is doing. It has nothing to do with you or saving the relationship. It'll just mess you up and make recovery that much longer and harder for you. All that matters now is doing what is best for you. Yeah, it sucks and it seems wrong. But it's what you must do.

Edited December 16, 2015 by gbe2015

[BuddyX]

It was already asked, but are you sure there is no one else. It's either he's getting something on the side, or he has lazy bear low testosterone tendencies.

 

Check phones, emails, spending habits.

 

No sane man wants a separation. Unless you guys we're in a sexless marriage.

[gbe2015]

It was already asked, but are you sure there is no one else. It's either he's getting something on the side, or he has lazy bear low testosterone tendencies.

 

Check phones, emails, spending habits.

 

No sane man wants a separation. Unless you guys we're in a sexless marriage.

 

What difference would it make if she found out yes or no? Finding out all the details (if true) won't make it easier for her either. The guy doesn't want to be in the marriage, that's the only truth she needs to accept.

[blomax]

I agree with gbe2015 here. And from my own experience, it's your only option.

 

My wife came to me 16 months ago wanting to separate. I was devastated. Literally devastated. She went on living her life holding all the cards, not committing to working on things, and leaving me in limbo. I waited 10 months and filed --- in order to gain some control --- and also in the hope that it would show here I was serious. Didn't matter, here we are 6 months later without anything have moved forward.

 

All that has happened is that I have lost 16 months that I would like back. The outcome is going to the be the same right now, we are going to be divorced. It took a long time for me to accept that.

 

From my own experience, I wish I had moved faster in filing or setting hard deadlines and showed that I was serious about divorcing her (vs. waiting for her to actually divorce me). I wish that I had accepted the hard reality of what was happening. If they want to come back, they will find a way. If they want to work on things, they will.

 

Separately, if you are going to separate, my advice is to have ground rules. How long? Are you seeing other people? Going to counseling?

 

If there is no agreement on the goal of the separation, along with some timeline, then I wouldn't agree to it. It will crush you, you'll be in limbo. Again, from my own experience I gave my wife space and time without a deadline (as she would not agree to anything). I should have taken that as an indication that she was not interested in participating. As such, you can't have a marriage with one person. You can have a divorce though.

[BuddyX]

What difference would it make if she found out yes or no? Finding out all the details (if true) won't make it easier for her either. The guy doesn't want to be in the marriage, that's the only truth she needs to accept.

 

It would eliminate wasted time on therapy and false hope

[Captivating]

Hi MellyMell,

It seems for me that your husband emotionally checked out from the relationship a while ago and although he cares about you he is hesitating on breaking up with you. Maybe he is trying to come up with right reasons to break up with you. He seems very cold and somewhat annoyed. There might be someone else that he is interested in, but doesn't want to admit it and own up to it. So, he is trying to blame things on you perhaps, being a coward. The beginning of each relationship is exciting, passionate but it settles down eventually in every relationship. Being in this infatuation phase of a romantic relationship is quite intoxicating. MellyMell, these are my assumptions, not necessarily true. It is hard to tell you what to do in this situation because it seems like that you are the only one who makes the effort. You guys need to talk this out honestly, so there won't be unanswered questions later on. He owes you this.

[Captivating]

What is the reason that he wants to move out in January??? What happens in January? An apartment becomes available perhaps.....does he plan on moving in with someone??? He seems overly confident about his plan. There might be someone else...his cold tone is so telling.

[MellyMel]

Pack his bags and pack yours. Tell him to leave. If he doesn't go, you go. You need to get away from him and away from that situation. Go to a lawyer asap.

 

My ex-wife lingered before leaving - about 4 weeks, doing what yours is doing. It has nothing to do with you or saving the relationship. It'll just mess you up and make recovery that much longer and harder for you. All that matters now is doing what is best for you. Yeah, it sucks and it seems wrong. But it's what you must do.

 

I agree, but he gives me mixed messages 24/7. Perhaps I'm just in deep denial, but I just need to find the courage to make the first step and move out because this is what he wants.

[MellyMel]

It was already asked, but are you sure there is no one else. It's either he's getting something on the side, or he has lazy bear low testosterone tendencies.

 

Check phones, emails, spending habits.

 

No sane man wants a separation. Unless you guys we're in a sexless marriage.

 

I did snoop a bit and found nothing. He claims there is no one. He just wants to "be alone and focus on himself." I don't know what to believe anymore. When I brought up dating other people if we were about to separate he said, "Well, you're still married you know." YOU want to separate so WTF is the issue exactly?

 

We didn't have a sexless marriage. We weren't having it every day, but it was quite regularly.

[MellyMel]

I agree with gbe2015 here. And from my own experience, it's your only option.

 

My wife came to me 16 months ago wanting to separate. I was devastated. Literally devastated. She went on living her life holding all the cards, not committing to working on things, and leaving me in limbo. I waited 10 months and filed --- in order to gain some control --- and also in the hope that it would show here I was serious. Didn't matter, here we are 6 months later without anything have moved forward.

 

All that has happened is that I have lost 16 months that I would like back. The outcome is going to the be the same right now, we are going to be divorced. It took a long time for me to accept that.

 

From my own experience, I wish I had moved faster in filing or setting hard deadlines and showed that I was serious about divorcing her (vs. waiting for her to actually divorce me). I wish that I had accepted the hard reality of what was happening. If they want to come back, they will find a way. If they want to work on things, they will.

 

Separately, if you are going to separate, my advice is to have ground rules. How long? Are you seeing other people? Going to counseling?

 

If there is no agreement on the goal of the separation, along with some timeline, then I wouldn't agree to it. It will crush you, you'll be in limbo. Again, from my own experience I gave my wife space and time without a deadline (as she would not agree to anything). I should have taken that as an indication that she was not interested in participating. As such, you can't have a marriage with one person. You can have a divorce though.

 

He has said that he wants to move on with his life, but also wants to be "there for me emotionally to help me go through this." So, you want to help me go through something that you've caused?? He makes zero sense to me.

 

He wants to continue going to therapy. I don't see the point if his goal is to separate, but again, I have to bring up the fact that he said "he's not ruling out that something may change his mind while in therapy." I'm realizing how selfish, cold and calculating he truly is. Despite all of that, I would still like to work it out.

[MellyMel]

Hi MellyMell,

It seems for me that your husband emotionally checked out from the relationship a while ago and although he cares about you he is hesitating on breaking up with you. Maybe he is trying to come up with right reasons to break up with you. He seems very cold and somewhat annoyed. There might be someone else that he is interested in, but doesn't want to admit it and own up to it. So, he is trying to blame things on you perhaps, being a coward. The beginning of each relationship is exciting, passionate but it settles down eventually in every relationship. Being in this infatuation phase of a romantic relationship is quite intoxicating. MellyMell, these are my assumptions, not necessarily true. It is hard to tell you what to do in this situation because it seems like that you are the only one who makes the effort. You guys need to talk this out honestly, so there won't be unanswered questions later on. He owes you this.

 

Yes, exactly. He did without bothering to put in any effort - something he has never done because I always made it easy for him. He has his own issues he needs to deal with and apparently wants to do it alone. He thinks the separation is hard on both of us but ultimately the best thing.

 

I've asked if there is someone else, I've snooped and found nothing. He told the therapist he just wants to be alone.

 

His parents got divorced when he was young and he has never properly dealt with their divorce. He is a completely different person around his dad. It's really weird. I think he has used me as a scapegoat for his flaws for years. We are alike in a lot of ways, but you don't just quit on a marriage. You at least try to make things work before throwing in the towel. He called me today while at work asking me what he wanted to buy me???? I can't handle this.

[MellyMel]

What is the reason that he wants to move out in January??? What happens in January? An apartment becomes available perhaps.....does he plan on moving in with someone??? He seems overly confident about his plan. There might be someone else...his cold tone is so telling.

 

 

I have no idea. He has said he can move out tomorrow or we can go to therapy (but for me not to have hope that he will change his mind), but will still move out in January. When I said that I'll stay in the condo and he can move out he stated asking me a billion questions (who would you live with, how would you afford it etc. etc.).

[gbe2015]

He has said that he wants to move on with his life, but also wants to be "there for me emotionally to help me go through this." So, you want to help me go through something that you've caused?? He makes zero sense to me.

 

He wants to continue going to therapy. I don't see the point if his goal is to separate, but again, I have to bring up the fact that he said "he's not ruling out that something may change his mind while in therapy." I'm realizing how selfish, cold and calculating he truly is. Despite all of that, I would still like to work it out.

 

Again, my ex did this. Yes she even went to counseling too. Eventually the counselors called her out on the behavior and that was when she stopped going and finally left the house. That's also when she got bitter and the insults/nasty comments towards me started.

 

Looking back, she only stuck around to ease her guilt, it had nothing to do with me or saving the relationship. I think it's cruel for the dumper to stick around, it just makes the dumpee suffer needlessly. nobody benefits and eventually one of you will probably get resentful and angry and it can quickly spiral out of control.

 

Imo, dropping a bombshell like that in a marriage and then sticking around to see how it plays out is a horrible thing to do to your partner. If he truly loved you he wouldn't be putting you through that otherwise he would be in 100% trying to fix the marriage with you. And he isn't. Now you need to love yourself enough to not put up with it.

[MellyMel]

Again, my ex did this. Yes she even went to counseling too. Eventually the counselors called her out on the behavior and that was when she stopped going and finally left the house. That's also when she got bitter and the insults/nasty comments towards me started.

 

Looking back, she only stuck around to ease her guilt, it had nothing to do with me or saving the relationship. I think it's cruel for the dumper to stick around, it just makes the dumpee suffer needlessly. nobody benefits and eventually one of you will probably get resentful and angry and it can quickly spiral out of control.

 

Imo, dropping a bombshell like that in a marriage and then sticking around to see how it plays out is a horrible thing to do to your partner. If he truly loved you he wouldn't be putting you through that otherwise he would be in 100% trying to fix the marriage with you. And he isn't. Now you need to love yourself enough to not put up with it.

 

You're absolutely right. The fact that I'm clinging onto mixed messages is pathetic and confusion at the same time.

 

I'm trying to distance myself as much as I can while still living under the same roof. I went out tonight, came home late. He tried to start a conversation with me, asked if I had fun, what I did, if someone hit on me. I just said it was a great night.

 

I'm sure he feels guilty for dropping this bomb on me, I'm sure he also cares because we've been together for a long time, but I also realize that he doesn't care enough otherwise he wouldn't be doing this ****. You don't just give up on a marriage and give your wife an end date.

 

My plan is to avoid him and spend very little time at home until our next therapy session. Depending on how that goes and the bull**** he throws my way again, I will have move out. That's one thing that I KNOW he isn't expecting from me.

[DrkStlkr]

I know I'm joining in on this conversation late, and unfortunately, I can't offer any real advice, but just letting you know that you're not alone.

 

My wife and I have been married 17 years, have 3 kids together, and we've had our fair share of issues. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we've both tried to make it work. Several weeks ago, we both realized that we were growing apart, and it seemed that we both tried to fix that. I thought things were getting better between us and moving in the right direction.

 

Yesterday, my wife dropped a bomb on me. In a nutshell, she told me that if she found someone locally, she couldn't promise she could remain faithful to me and not cheat. As you can probably guess, this isn't her first time with infidelity issues.

 

So, after going through this continuous emotional roller coaster off and on over the last several years, I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm convinced that I lack the capacity to display the amount of attention she craves. In all honesty, I don't think any one man with a full time job while raising 3 kids could. I'm sorry if that come off as angry and bitter, but it's still very fresh, and I find that talking about it helps eases the hurt some.

 

I may write a post of my own on here very soon. But if I could offer any advise, all I can say is "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." Start preparing yourself emotionally and mentally for what may happen. I hope you don't don't mind a little "brutal honesty", but just speaking from personal experience, if you're going through this again a year later, there's a chance he'll want to leave again and again, and these "episodes" of his may happen more often. My wife has gone through her "episodes" to the point of where I've never considered leaving this much. This would be so much easier if I could simply stop loving her.

 

I hope that knowing that there's other people out there going through similar circumstances is somewhat comforting and reassuring.

[MellyMel]

I know I'm joining in on this conversation late, and unfortunately, I can't offer any real advice, but just letting you know that you're not alone.

 

My wife and I have been married 17 years, have 3 kids together, and we've had our fair share of issues. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we've both tried to make it work. Several weeks ago, we both realized that we were growing apart, and it seemed that we both tried to fix that. I thought things were getting better between us and moving in the right direction.

 

Yesterday, my wife dropped a bomb on me. In a nutshell, she told me that if she found someone locally, she couldn't promise she could remain faithful to me and not cheat. As you can probably guess, this isn't her first time with infidelity issues.

 

So, after going through this continuous emotional roller coaster off and on over the last several years, I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm convinced that I lack the capacity to display the amount of attention she craves. In all honesty, I don't think any one man with a full time job while raising 3 kids could. I'm sorry if that come off as angry and bitter, but it's still very fresh, and I find that talking about it helps eases the hurt some.

 

I may write a post of my own on here very soon. But if I could offer any advise, all I can say is "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." Start preparing yourself emotionally and mentally for what may happen. I hope you don't don't mind a little "brutal honesty", but just speaking from personal experience, if you're going through this again a year later, there's a chance he'll want to leave again and again, and these "episodes" of his may happen more often. My wife has gone through her "episodes" to the point of where I've never considered leaving this much. This would be so much easier if I could simply stop loving her.

 

I hope that knowing that there's other people out there going through similar circumstances is somewhat comforting and reassuring.

 

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through a similar ordeal. It's really helpful reading words of encouragement from other people who have experienced this.

 

I've realized in the last couple of weeks that even if therapy "changes his mind", I don't want to be in a marriage with him if he threatens to leave every single time the going gets tough - especially since the stress isn't even caused by me. They are personal issues that he has never dealt with properly (his parents divorce etc.) I've expressed that to him and he has said, "maybe I'll come crawling back in a few months." Everything he says sounds so calculating now.

 

I'm finally starting to act like I have way more confidence than I do (Meryl Streep school of acting) and he's noticed. I will see if distancing myself and acting disinterested helps in any way by the next therapy session...but ultimately, I know that in order for him to truly feel the avoid, I have to leave. I would love to work this out but every day I realize that it might not happen. Every day I get a tiny bit better at accepting this as my potential reality.

[DrkStlkr]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing is just taking it day by day. I'm distancing myself from my wife by keeping my answers short and straight to the point, trying to act indifferent whether she's around or not, etc. She wants to talk about it, but we've been talking about it for over a year when I caught her cheating on me. Last week I found an e-mail she had sent to the guy she had cheated on me with. Between that e-mail and what she said yesterday, I'm now past the point of talking and ready to take action.

 

My wife currently thinks that we're just "taking a break", but we've done that before when she'd take the kids and visit family in another state for sometimes 4 to 6 weeks at a time, but that never seemed to help. I'm planning to move out permanently.

 

I don't want to drop this on my kids during the holidays. They're all still young (12, 10, and 8), so I'm just waiting until sometime after New Years to pack up and move out. Even though my wife and I both work full time, I'm unable to afford to rent, so I'll probably move back in with my parents (ugh). My parents are taking my kids on vacation for a week in January, so I figured that would be the perfect time to move out so they wouldn't have to watch Dad leave, and I've already got that week requested off from work. Just talking about it makes my stomach turn.

 

Like you, I haven't been eating or sleeping much. I feel like I stay in a constant panic attack. My oldest daughter even noticed my heart was racing away last night when I gave her a bedtime hug due to the anxiety and stress.

 

A mutual friend of ours said that my wife is going through a midlife crisis, that she doesn't know what she wants, flip-flops frequently whether wants to be with me or not, etc. Does this sound somewhat familiar? I can't handle this uncertainty, disbelief, distrust, or getting hurt repeatedly while my wife is trying to decide what she wants out of life.

 

And lastly, when we both talked about changing not just our marriage, but ourselves over the past year, I felt like I was the only one who was putting in the majority of the effort trying to change. I'd read books and articles on websites, trying to learn and understand why our marriage was failing, follow advice, etc. Sure, she'd do things occasionally, maybe even for a couple of weeks, but she always seemed to revert back until I'd say something. Does this also sound familiar?

 

If you can equate with anything I said above, then our situations are very similar, and (again) from personal experience, I doubt it will ever get any better. I've fought very long and hard to make our marriage work, including marriage counseling, but counselors can only help so much. If your spouse is set in their mind that they cannot be continuously and permanently happy in their current relationship, then there's little we can do but just let them go.

 

I hope that everything will turn out well for you.

[MellyMel]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing is just taking it day by day. I'm distancing myself from my wife by keeping my answers short and straight to the point, trying to act indifferent whether she's around or not, etc. She wants to talk about it, but we've been talking about it for over a year when I caught her cheating on me. Last week I found an e-mail she had sent to the guy she had cheated on me with. Between that e-mail and what she said yesterday, I'm now past the point of talking and ready to take action.

 

My wife currently thinks that we're just "taking a break", but we've done that before when she'd take the kids and visit family in another state for sometimes 4 to 6 weeks at a time, but that never seemed to help. I'm planning to move out permanently.

 

I don't want to drop this on my kids during the holidays. They're all still young (12, 10, and 8), so I'm just waiting until sometime after New Years to pack up and move out. Even though my wife and I both work full time, I'm unable to afford to rent, so I'll probably move back in with my parents (ugh). My parents are taking my kids on vacation for a week in January, so I figured that would be the perfect time to move out so they wouldn't have to watch Dad leave, and I've already got that week requested off from work. Just talking about it makes my stomach turn.

 

Like you, I haven't been eating or sleeping much. I feel like I stay in a constant panic attack. My oldest daughter even noticed my heart was racing away last night when I gave her a bedtime hug due to the anxiety and stress.

 

A mutual friend of ours said that my wife is going through a midlife crisis, that she doesn't know what she wants, flip-flops frequently whether wants to be with me or not, etc. Does this sound somewhat familiar? I can't handle this uncertainty, disbelief, distrust, or getting hurt repeatedly while my wife is trying to decide what she wants out of life.

 

And lastly, when we both talked about changing not just our marriage, but ourselves over the past year, I felt like I was the only one who was putting in the majority of the effort trying to change. I'd read books and articles on websites, trying to learn and understand why our marriage was failing, follow advice, etc. Sure, she'd do things occasionally, maybe even for a couple of weeks, but she always seemed to revert back until I'd say something. Does this also sound familiar?

 

If you can equate with anything I said above, then our situations are very similar, and (again) from personal experience, I doubt it will ever get any better. I've fought very long and hard to make our marriage work, including marriage counseling, but counselors can only help so much. If your spouse is set in their mind that they cannot be continuously and permanently happy in their current relationship, then there's little we can do but just let them go.

 

I hope that everything will turn out well for you.

 

It's really hard to distance yourself from someone you love when you're not a cold, distant person (as I'm sure you're not either). But I know that we have to!

 

We still sleep in the same bed. He texted me 5 times last night giving me a play-by-play of his day and for me to have fun (I went out).

 

It absolutely sounds like my husband. The only difference is that he keeps driving the point of wanting to separate but constantly gives me mixed signals. At the end of the day, we both know what we have to to do. Distancing ourselves calming ourselves, knowing that we have extreme value and integrity is key.

 

I just can't bring myself to leave yet. I will have to find the courage somewhere ....soon.

 

I hope your situation resolves in a matter that's best for you and your kids. Maybe your wife will realize what she stands to lose when you pull back emotionally.

[DrkStlkr]

It's really hard to distance yourself from someone you love when you're not a cold, distant person (as I'm sure you're not either). But I know that we have to!

 

I'll admit that I once was. Not to get into too much back history, but I was engaged once before, she also cheated on me with an ex (I can really pick `em), and it hurt and broke me so badly that I was determined never to let anyone do that to me again. Ever.

Skip forward a couple years is when I met my wife. She was very young, sweet, and naive, and I was "tall, dark, and mysterious" (I was going through a goth phase). It took me over a decade to start letting her in and truly trusting her with my heart. But during that decade, I was very cold, indifferent, and distant. It really changed her as a person. She went from being this caring, loving, trusting person to what I was before. Ironically, our relationship roles have flipped now, and I admit she didn't deserve the first 10 years of our marriage. Unfortunately, hindsight's 20/20, and nothing I can do to change the past. So throw in 17 years of resentment and regrets, it's amazing we've stayed together this long.

 

We still sleep in the same bed. He texted me 5 times last night giving me a play-by-play of his day and for me to have fun (I went out).

 

Our youngest and only son has a bunk bed, and she slept in it last night, but if she or I continue to do that, our kids (especially our oldest daughter who's very intuitive) will figure out something is seriously wrong. We're trying to keep this away from them as much as possible during the holidays.

 

It absolutely sounds like my husband. The only difference is that he keeps driving the point of wanting to separate but constantly gives me mixed signals. At the end of the day, we both know what we have to to do. Distancing ourselves calming ourselves, knowing that we have extreme value and integrity is key.

 

Yeah, sounds like my wife. She'll give me false hope for a little while, and then starts talks about us separating for a few days, and then back again. She's very confused and has absolutely no idea what will make her happy, if anything. All she knows is that she's currently unhappy, but not all the time.

 

I just can't bring myself to leave yet. I will have to find the courage somewhere ....soon.

 

It's taken me 17 years to get to this point, so I have no room to judge or give advice. But in the end, you have to ask yourself, "Will I ever be able to trust him not to leave me again?" If your answer is "no", then you know what you must do, even though you really don't want to. Trust me, I've been fighting separation for years, but in my situation, it's inevitable.

 

Perhaps the next step to letting go is to start writing up a separation document. In my state, they're not required, but it's more for me than the court system. Here's the one I'm currently working on...

https://www.lawdepot.com/contracts/separation-agreement/#.VnLj31nst_w

 

I hope your situation resolves in a matter that's best for you and your kids. Maybe your wife will realize what she stands to lose when you pull back emotionally.

 

I really appreciate that, but even if she ever does want me back, I doubt I ever could or will, because she's completely destroyed my trust in her, perhaps forever. I'll never be able to cut her completely out of my life because we do share 3 incredible, wonderful children together, but for lack of a better phrase, I'm attempting to stop loving her.

Edited December 17, 2015 by DrkStlkr