A year and a half later, an update.

[JohnAdams]

I do not believe Mr. Blunt is saying that fidelity is a fairy tale. Mr. Blunt has had a successful reconciliation. He gives good advice and is a man that I have utmost respect for!

 

 

I think both men and women go into a marriage believing in a fairy tale. I do think the fairy tale is different for men and women. Men, and I will clarify by saying me and perhaps not all men, thinks their wife adores them and only them forever regardless of life circumstances. After an affair, you come to the realization that you were not as special to your spouse as you thought. This is the fairy tale that is lost.

 

 

I think to women, trying to read my wife's brain as much as I can, had the fairy tale that they married prince charming. That life was roses and they would live happily ever after. But, finding real life perhaps mundane, look for greener pastures. This is also a unrealistic fairy tale.

 

 

After an affair, you realize, life is no fairy tale. Regardless, reconcile or divorce, the fairy tale is gone. You can have a very good, happy marriage, but, yes, something is lost. Having said that, probably many marriages realize there is no fairy tale even without an affair.

[ladydesigner]

I do not believe Mr. Blunt is saying that fidelity is a fairy tale. Mr. Blunt has had a successful reconciliation. He gives good advice and is a man that I have utmost respect for!

 

 

I think both men and women go into a marriage believing in a fairy tale. I do think the fairy tale is different for men and women. Men, and I will clarify by saying me and perhaps not all men, thinks their wife adores them and only them forever regardless of life circumstances. After an affair, you come to the realization that you were not as special to your spouse as you thought. This is the fairy tale that is lost.

 

 

I think to women, trying to read my wife's brain as much as I can, had the fairy tale that they married prince charming. That life was roses and they would live happily ever after. But, finding real life perhaps mundane, look for greener pastures. This is also a unrealistic fairy tale.

 

 

After an affair, you realize, life is no fairy tale. Regardless, reconcile or divorce, the fairy tale is gone. You can have a very good, happy marriage, but, yes, something is lost. Having said that, probably many marriages realize there is no fairy tale even without an affair.

 

This is so true! My M pre-Ddays were no walk in the park, definitely not a fairy tale and after all the Ddays it became a horror story. Now we are working towards an honest and fulfilling M (I hope).

[66Charger]

It is amazing how people see the same thing entirely differently. If infidelity had altered my views so drastically, that i would alter my vows, the reconciliation may be deemed "sucessful" but look at the price that is paid.

 

To be clear, there is a big difference in saying "my way is better than yours" and " I wouldn't live your way"

 

I assume that is understood.

 

That goes for the OP too. I may not agree with you or have made the same decision, but that doesn't mean that my choice is better than yours.

Edited December 9, 2015 by 66Charger

[drifter777]

I do not believe Mr. Blunt is saying that fidelity is a fairy tale.

 

Umm - yes he is. He is saying to throw away traditional idea's of what fidelity in marriage means. Don't expect fidelity because it's too hard to stay faithful. It's easier to settle for a WS when you excuse their behavior as "normal" and that your expectation of fidelity is believing in a fairy tale.

 

As for my fWW, never for one moment do I think that pretending what she did was normal/natural/ok will help me forgive her.

Edited December 9, 2015 by drifter777

[Horton]

This has turned into a "Better the devil you know." argument and while I don't believe those who make this case are being irreverent, I do feel obliged to point out that what's basically being expressed here is the belief that we're all just as capable/likely to commit adultery as those who did in fact commit adultery.

 

Which is an argument for moral equivalency that is IMO bordering on science fiction a la precrime from "Minority Report". The obvious slippery slope being that this same argument would have to be made(in the interest of being consistent) in defense of all unscrupulous deeds e.g. "But we all could have assaulted that old man for his wallet." or "Anybody might have bilked that family out of their life savings." My retort to this is pretty simple. "Aye, but we didn't."

[Mr Blunt]

By Blunt

Longtime ago some of my fairytale included the marriage vow reprinted below.

 

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

 

I no longer believe in that and have adjusted myself to my reality. Now my belief is that no married woman or man is going to sacrifice themselves to a great extent. If they are suffering or feel they are suffering they are very prone to look for a better deal or if they think one is offered they will take it. I know that may sound cynical and I hate to be that cynical and live without that fairytale but I have to live in reality.

 

My post was to tell you that you can have a good life with your wife and even sometimes a great life without having that fairytale with your wife. Your wife maybe good for you but she will never fulfill your fairytale; that fairytale is for the movies and romance novels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By 66Charger

If my married life had Mr Blunts vows and "beliefs" , i would not have a married life

 

I am not trying to slam your post Mr B, but..

 

Is this what it really has come down to. Is fidelity a fairy tale?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By John Adams

I do not believe Mr. Blunt is saying that fidelity is a fairy tale.

I think both men and women go into a marriage believing in a fairy tale. I do think the fairy tale is different for men and women. Men, and I will clarify by saying me and perhaps not all men, thinks their wife adores them and only them forever regardless of life circumstances. After an affair, you come to the realization that you were not as special to your spouse as you thought. This is the fairy tale that is lost.

John’s words above are very accurate!! John has over 30 years of real life experiences in marriage.

 

I thought that my wife adored me and only me forever regardless of circumstances. In fact she adored me greatly for many years in the beginning. Then you start living life for many years with children, bills, sickness, working , disagreement that turn into hurts, worried about getting older and losing your attractiveness, reducing the freedoms and excitement that you had in your teens or 20s, etc.

 

You take that along with the baggage that you have accumulated in your life and people start to think differently. That is when the married person diminishes that adoring and you are not the only one they start fantazising about in the adoring category. In other word you get replaced by her/his fairytale thoughts of someone else. Then the thoughts and/or excitement can turn into betrayal. It is my opinion that when you have been married for 30-40 years it is certain or at least the chances are very high that your spouse has a least replaced you with another person in their fairytale imaginations. The thoughts often turn into real actions such as infidelity in the physical.

 

That violates the vow that says “to have and to hold…until death due you part” there are marriage vows that state “I will love and honor you all the days of my life”. Having fairytale thoughts about another person taking your place as the spouse is not loving and honoring.

 

I believed in that fairytale until I found out that my wife had rejected me and replaced me with another man. Not only was I betrayed but a very positive belief system (Vows) that I had was shattered. Now with me understanding reality, if she betrayed me again, I would not be nearly as shattered. I believe that there are marriages that are really good, even after infidelity, but believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person.

 

 

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

 

 

 

 

Of those of you that take the opposite position I will ask if you will tell us your story and how long you have been married or divorced. I am willing to listen to anyone that has years of experience and has lived life for many years. I can always learn more. Any takers?

[Krashi]

John’s words above are very accurate!! John has over 30 years of real life experiences in marriage.

 

I thought that my wife adored me and only me forever regardless of circumstances. In fact she adored me greatly for many years in the beginning. Then you start living life for many years with children, bills, sickness, working , disagreement that turn into hurts, worried about getting older and losing your attractiveness, reducing the freedoms and excitement that you had in your teens or 20s, etc.

 

You take that along with the baggage that you have accumulated in your life and people start to think differently. That is when the married person diminishes that adoring and you are not the only one they start fantazising about in the adoring category. In other word you get replaced by her/his fairytale thoughts of someone else. Then the thoughts and/or excitement can turn into betrayal. It is my opinion that when you have been married for 30-40 years it is certain or at least the chances are very high that your spouse has a least replaced you with another person in their fairytale imaginations. The thoughts often turn into real actions such as infidelity in the physical.

 

That violates the vow that says “to have and to hold…until death due you part” there are marriage vows that state “I will love and honor you all the days of my life”. Having fairytale thoughts about another person taking your place as the spouse is not loving and honoring.

 

I believed in that fairytale until I found out that my wife had rejected me and replaced me with another man. Not only was I betrayed but a very positive belief system (Vows) that I had was shattered. Now with me understanding reality, if she betrayed me again, I would not be nearly as shattered. I believe that there are marriages that are really good, even after infidelity, but believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person.

 

 

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

 

 

 

 

Of those of you that take the opposite position I will ask if you will tell us your story and how long you have been married or divorced. I am willing to listen to anyone that has years of experience and has lived life for many years. I can always learn more. Any takers?

 

I think we take vows for that very reason,Mr B. See, if marriage was always a fairytale, vows woild be unnecessary.

Whoever came up with the idea of taking vow must have realized that marriages are going to have problems.

Haven't you noticed, in life, that there are some people who really, really stick to their word, no matter what.

Some people just honor contracts.

I took this to an extreme, maybe. I hung in even when my XW essentially abandoned us. I also saw my mom hang in when my drunken dad abused her. She should have bailed on him

But, do it with integrity if you want out.

[drifter777]

John’s words above are very accurate!! John has over 30 years of real life experiences in marriage.

 

I thought that my wife adored me and only me forever regardless of circumstances. In fact she adored me greatly for many years in the beginning. Then you start living life for many years with children, bills, sickness, working , disagreement that turn into hurts, worried about getting older and losing your attractiveness, reducing the freedoms and excitement that you had in your teens or 20s, etc.

 

You take that along with the baggage that you have accumulated in your life and people start to think differently. That is when the married person diminishes that adoring and you are not the only one they start fantazising about in the adoring category. In other word you get replaced by her/his fairytale thoughts of someone else. Then the thoughts and/or excitement can turn into betrayal. It is my opinion that when you have been married for 30-40 years it is certain or at least the chances are very high that your spouse has a least replaced you with another person in their fairytale imaginations. The thoughts often turn into real actions such as infidelity in the physical.

 

That violates the vow that says “to have and to hold…until death due you part” there are marriage vows that state “I will love and honor you all the days of my life”. Having fairytale thoughts about another person taking your place as the spouse is not loving and honoring.

 

I believed in that fairytale until I found out that my wife had rejected me and replaced me with another man. Not only was I betrayed but a very positive belief system (Vows) that I had was shattered. Now with me understanding reality, if she betrayed me again, I would not be nearly as shattered. I believe that there are marriages that are really good, even after infidelity, but believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person.

 

 

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

 

 

 

 

Of those of you that take the opposite position I will ask if you will tell us your story and how long you have been married or divorced. I am willing to listen to anyone that has years of experience and has lived life for many years. I can always learn more. Any takers?

I've been married over 40 years but I'm not sure it's all that relevant here. Believing that your spouse will always love, adore, honor you is obviously a fairy tale. There are days you will want to leave your spouse, days where you want to have sex with the neighbor, days when you hate your spouse. This is life and this is obviously not what any of us are talking about in this thread.

 

Just because married life is not continual bliss doesn't make cheating ok. It doesn't make cheating understandable. It doesn't make cheating inevitable.

 

I really don't understand the point of this. We all fell in love with our spouse and saw them as perfect beings. After a while real life intruded on fantasy and we them for the flawed human's that they are. What does this have to do with infidelity or reconciliation? What is the point you are trying so hard to make?

[betrayedandhurting]

A few thoughts...

 

First off something IS lost forever without a doubt. No matter how "good" I make this marriage I will always, always know that at some point my wife was ok with having a multiyear affair. Like several of you have said the simple thought I wasn't the one my wife adores (even if she does now) our whole marriage does ruin the fairy tale forever. I really did think (like we all do) that somehow we were different or better than everyone else. My parents struggled and fought their whole lives (still married) and many of our friends struggle but I thought we had something different. It hurts and I suspect it will always hurt. That doesn't mean I abandon the marriage though because leaving still creates hurt starting first and most importantly with negatively effecting the dynamic of my relationship with my children. I also love my formerly cheating wife and I do want her for the rest of my life. Did when we got married, still do. Period, dot end. The whole thing sucks, even the "good" stuff of a rejuvenated marriage ("better than before!", patent pending!) hurts because if I am being honest it is because I found out about the affair, we likely wouldn't be where we are now if I hadn't. So even the good stuff is forever tainted with the bad.

 

Second, drifter said that Mr Blunt implies: "Don't expect fidelity because it's too hard to stay faithful. It's easier to settle for a WS when you excuse their behavior as "normal" and that your expectation of fidelity is believing in a fairy tale." I don't agree with. Fidelity is expected, it is normal for it to be maintained in a healthy marriage with healthy partners. Further I want to be very clear, I don't view myself as some kind of cuckold, I refuse to remain married with my wife cheating on me. That won't happen. What has happened is over a long period my wife made devastating choices I never thought she would. When I had my first clue that something was wrong I did very, very little to change the direction she, and we, were going because I was badly in denial it could even happen. The revelations of the last year and a half made it plain for all to see, including my wife, that something had to change or we had to go our separate ways. I don't consider myself settling or accepting the unacceptable when I live up to my vows of "for better or worse." This, right now, is my stand for my marriage. I am giving it my all to try to see if there is something to save and if we can chart a new course but this is it, if this doesn't work and my wife wants out, or she wants to resume living a double life... I didn't sign up for that and we will go our separate ways. I am not accepting her being a wandering spouse, I accept that in the past she had an affair, that we are dealing with it as a couple but that it can never happen again.

[understand50]

A few thoughts...

 

First off something IS lost forever without a doubt. No matter how "good" I make this marriage I will always, always know that at some point my wife was ok with having a multiyear affair. Like several of you have said the simple thought I wasn't the one my wife adores (even if she does now) our whole marriage does ruin the fairy tale forever. I really did think (like we all do) that somehow we were different or better than everyone else. My parents struggled and fought their whole lives (still married) and many of our friends struggle but I thought we had something different. It hurts and I suspect it will always hurt. That doesn't mean I abandon the marriage though because leaving still creates hurt starting first and most importantly with negatively effecting the dynamic of my relationship with my children. I also love my formerly cheating wife and I do want her for the rest of my life. Did when we got married, still do. Period, dot end. The whole thing sucks, even the "good" stuff of a rejuvenated marriage ("better than before!", patent pending!) hurts because if I am being honest it is because I found out about the affair, we likely wouldn't be where we are now if I hadn't. So even the good stuff is forever tainted with the bad.

 

Second, drifter said that Mr Blunt implies: "Don't expect fidelity because it's too hard to stay faithful. It's easier to settle for a WS when you excuse their behavior as "normal" and that your expectation of fidelity is believing in a fairy tale." I don't agree with. Fidelity is expected, it is normal for it to be maintained in a healthy marriage with healthy partners. Further I want to be very clear, I don't view myself as some kind of cuckold, I refuse to remain married with my wife cheating on me. That won't happen. What has happened is over a long period my wife made devastating choices I never thought she would. When I had my first clue that something was wrong I did very, very little to change the direction she, and we, were going because I was badly in denial it could even happen. The revelations of the last year and a half made it plain for all to see, including my wife, that something had to change or we had to go our separate ways. I don't consider myself settling or accepting the unacceptable when I live up to my vows of "for better or worse." This, right now, is my stand for my marriage. I am giving it my all to try to see if there is something to save and if we can chart a new course but this is it, if this doesn't work and my wife wants out, or she wants to resume living a double life... I didn't sign up for that and we will go our separate ways. I am not accepting her being a wandering spouse, I accept that in the past she had an affair, that we are dealing with it as a couple but that it can never happen again.

 

betrayedandhurting,

 

You can expect fidelity, because you have been faithful. Yes, something is gone from the marriage, and can never be brought back. You may forgive, but you will never forget. She has to know that this is normal, and her actions will always be part of the marriage story between you and her. Forgiving and then insisting that this never happen again, is also not out of line.

 

I think you have the right mindset for reconciliation. You know this did and can happen, but you are willing to give her the gift of trying to reconcile with her. The pain will be less as time goes on, it will never really go away. You love her enough to stay together. From reading your posts, it seems she is doing what is needed. Measure her against what is expected, and point out bad behavior. Above all, as you have stated, both of you need to change your marriage and relationship. How you do this will be between you two, but you cannot have the marriage you had and live together.

 

Last thought, this will take time. Do not expect "change" in a week or a month, but it will take years of work. You will have to try many things until you find what works for you both. This can be fun thing, if you approach it as journey to a better place.

 

I wish you luck

[aliveagain]

Reconciliation is always possible, my only concern with your situation is you were so "save the marriage at any cost" right from the get go. You knew your wife was a virgin when you married her now here you are after her second affair explaining to us why your marriage is worth saving. She said the sex between them was nothing special yet she went back for more 2 to 4 times a month for how many years? She would somehow find the time to ride around the racetrack with him in his Porch then bang him in the loft above his racetrack garage and still pick up the kids after school. She defiled every room in your home, you've had to replace most of your furniture and yet you feel that you need to keep the house. It takes a special kind of wayward to defile their spouses sanctuary the way your wife did. Surely the neighbours had to see what was happening at your house? Have any of them said anything to you about your wife's activities?

 

They had sex on his desk at his office, wham bam then she goes home to you. He never spent any money on her, they just had sex at every meeting. What were her affairs all about then when she's got a husband like you at home? The sex was bad(every wayward wife says the same thing and they never did anything with the affair partner they didn't do with you) yet all they had was sex anywhere they could.

 

If she knows that no matter what she does you'll never leave her how are you going to enforce your boundaries? I know you've said that you wouldn't put up with anymore infidelity but that's not what your history shows us. If we see it maybe she does too. You still have to fly out of town, how do you know for sure this won't happen again because her history shows us the chances it will are pretty high based on her history. Do you think your settling? Would you really say you are happy, do you really believe it? We don't know your wife but having replied to your posts over the years we have gotten to know you a little bit. As harsh as some of my comments can be they are made in your defense because I don't want to see you abused by her anymore. I was in your shoes several times. Put yourself first friend because she hasn't.

[drifter777]

....

Second, drifter said that Mr Blunt implies: "Don't expect fidelity because it's too hard to stay faithful. It's easier to settle for a WS when you excuse their behavior as "normal" and that your expectation of fidelity is believing in a fairy tale." I don't agree with. Fidelity is expected, it is normal for it to be maintained in a healthy marriage with healthy partners.

In challenging Mr Blunt's statements I too was saying that fidelity is expected and that expecting it is not believing in some fairly tale. To accept that her cheating is unfortunate but just another reality is not rational to rational people.

....

I don't consider myself settling or accepting the unacceptable when I live up to my vows of "for better or worse." This, right now, is my stand for my marriage. I am giving it my all to try to see if there is something to save and if we can chart a new course but this is it, if this doesn't work and my wife wants out, or she wants to resume living a double life... I didn't sign up for that and we will go our separate ways. I am not accepting her being a wandering spouse, I accept that in the past she had an affair, that we are dealing with it as a couple but that it can never happen again.

Really? What about "for better or worse" in this case? When you say this it makes me think that you really do understand marriage vows and the consequences of breaking them. You vow to be faithful and when that is broken the deal is off! My pastor told me quite pointedly that when my wife broke our marriage vows by cheating that I was released from my marital vows. Immediately. Choosing to commit to reconciliation would mean renewing our vows.

 

You've chosen to give her and your marriage a second chance for a number of reasons and none of them matter to anyone but you. The "for better or worse" thing is not necessary to toss in because it simply doesn't apply to your situation.

[ladydesigner]

believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person.

 

 

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

 

 

I feel very much this way. I expected my WH not to cheat on me. I did think this is what M is about. Though I was not disillusioned by what could happen as my own mother had many A's on my dad. Dday still came as a shock. I just thought my WH would never put me through something like this after all I suffered in my childhood and my lack of trust in men (I was molested by my half-brother, gang raped by guy friends in HS, and beat up by an ex boyfriend). I think it was my WH's total disregard for me that hurt the most.

[Mr Blunt]

By Drifter

Believing that your spouse will always love, adore, honor you is obviously a fairy tale.

Thank you for realizing that one of my points is true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Drifter

What does this have to do with infidelity or reconciliation?

What my post has to do with infidelity is that NOT believing in the fairytale will soften the blow if infidelity occurs.

 

What my post has to do with reconciliation is that when you do not believe in the fairytale then the pain will not be so excruciatingly deep if betrayal occurs.

 

 

 

Without the added excruciating pain of a fairytale the chances of reconciliation maybe improved.

 

Reconciliation is so very hard that it is wise to prepare in any way that you can.

 

 

 

 

 

By Drifter

What is the point you are trying so hard to make?

See my reprint of my post below:

 

By Blunt

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

 

Believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person

 

[Mr Blunt]

By Betrayedandhurting….post 134

I wasn't the one my wife adores (even if she does now) our whole marriage does ruin the fairy tale forever . I really did think (like we all do) that somehow we were different or better than everyone else

. This above statement by betrayedandhurting (BAH) is one of the situations why I am making the point that fairytale should not be expected. BAH is hurt to the bone because he believed in the fairytale and now says that fairytale is “ruined forever” The fairytale adds additional pain that a BS should try and avoid.

 

 

 

By Betrayedandhurting

Second, drifter said that Mr. Blunt implies: "Don't expect fidelity because it's too hard to stay faithful. It's easier to settle for a WS when you excuse their behavior as "normal" and that your expectation of fidelity believes in a fairy tale." I don't agree with

First, you have added lot to my statement that does not represent what I said. . I never said that not believing in a fairytale is EXCUSING their behavior as NORMAL. I do not believe that for one moment and my posts do not say that at all.

I will repost my main points below again.

 

 

Originally Posted by Mr. Blunt

 

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

Believing in those vows can add a lot of extra excruciating pain if your spouse rejects you and replaces you with another person

It is much more accurate to quote my posts rather than take Drifter’s implying about what my post said.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 10, 2015 by Mr Blunt

[Krashi]

Well, if the fairytale of fidelity is not to be expected, then why should you abide by your vows, Mr Blunt? After all, it was unreasonable for your wife to expect you to,right? The concept is a fiction and she should know that right.

Abiding by one's vows has zero to do with adoring someone. I do not recall a caveat in my viws that they were null and void should I cease adoring or loving my spouse. Nor do I recall vowing to be perfect or adorable.

This was a staightforward contract. Do you breach contracts because you no longer feel adoration for the other party? Don't you expect someone to abide by a contract even if he or she no longer loves you.

And , our laws contain an out clause that does not involve theft of time, gaslighting, or abuse. It is called divorce.

[drifter777]

Thank you for realizing that one of my points is true.

 

What my post has to do with infidelity is that NOT believing in the fairytale will soften the blow if infidelity occurs.

 

What my post has to do with reconciliation is that when you do not believe in the fairytale then the pain will not be so excruciatingly deep if betrayal occurs.

 

Without the added excruciating pain of a fairytale the chances of reconciliation maybe improved.

 

Reconciliation is so very hard that it is wise to prepare in any way that you can.

 

See my reprint of my post below:

What you are saying is to lower our expectations when it comes to fidelity. That it won't hurt so bad if you just accept that cheating happens and don't get so gosh darned upset that you've been betrayed.

 

I don't think this will float with a single BH on this forum.

[66Charger]

These last few post may seem like they are defending a reconciliation, but they really show why you should divorce.

 

No thank you.

[Horton]

I don't generally expect much of people myself(so I'm rarely disappointed) but I find the idea of accepting that your spouse is likely to cheat on you in order to lessen the pain of being cheated on demoralizing. What's the point of being married if your partner has to be viewed with the same level of confidence as any stranger walking down the street? This sounds an awful lot like a defeatist position IMO.

[Mr Blunt]

In response to those that have mentioned me in the last few posts I will respond this way.

 

 

I was one that believed in the fairytale as reprinted below.

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

After the betrayal I no longer believed in that fairytale and now believe that adjusting to that reality will be a benefit to those that have been betrayed. As for fidelity, prior to her betrayal I certainly did not believe that my wife would violate fidelity but she did. Now after many years of R, I have come to believe that she will NOT betray me with another affair but I am not 100% sure of that. So I am about 90+% sure she will not have another sexual affair but less than 90% sure that she will not have a fantasy sexual or emotional affair or give her adoration to someone else.

 

 

It has helped me to NOT buy into the fairytale as underlined above and to work at building myself stronger and to become more self-reliant. This is what I feel will help the BS.

 

 

I have no problem at all with someone expecting their spouse to be faithful but realize that you cannot be 100% sure of that. Expecting someone to be faithful but realizing that it is possible they will violate fidelity is my reality and advice. Additionally, my advice is to build yourself up to become more self-reliant. I realize that you cannot build yourself up to be a complete island but you can build yourself up so that you will not be totally devastated and an emotional cripple for the years after.

[Mr Blunt]

To betrayedandhurting and others that have been betrayed:

 

 

My posts in this thread were to try and give betrayedandhurting (BAH) my experiences and realities in hopes that it will give him some hope and encouragement.

 

 

 

 

Some of BAH’s words are reprinted below:

 

By BAH

I have been through hell. The extent of my wife's betrayal was titanic

I just never even saw the cheating as a possible thing.

(By Blunt..... the above is the fairytale)

 

 

 

my wife has always felt inadequate, underachieving and unappreciated. She lacks self confidence and it's has manifisted itself throughout her life. She has FOO and cultural issues where here mother long has made her feel a lesser child then her sibling despite straight A's and a great work effort. She tried her whole life to please others in academics, sports, music etc. but it was never enough.

My wife has a volcano inside of her that bubbles a constant source of dread in her that she is a failure.

My wife will always live with this tendency toward depression and self loathing

By Blunt

It is possible that your wife can change so that you both have a good life. However, you would wise to discard the fairytale, If you have not already, that says that your spouse will always adore you, love you, and honor you until death due you part. You can expect your wife to honor the vows but expectations and reality are sometimes two different things.

BAH, since you have decided to R, you have a very good formula as you have stated below.

By BAH

if my wife remains remorseful and works hard to be a good wife and I work hard at forgiveness and personal strength our family and my marriage my have a chance long term

 

 

By Blunt

My post was to tell you that you can have a good life with your wife and even sometimes a great life without having that fairytale with your wife.

 

Keep working on your personal growth in all areas and in time you can be very contented; I am!

Edited December 11, 2015 by Mr Blunt

[Krashi]

In response to those that have mentioned me in the last few posts I will respond this way.

 

 

I was one that believed in the fairytale as reprinted below.

The fairytale is that your spouse will always adore you, always love you, and always honor you tell death due you part.

After the betrayal I no longer believed in that fairytale and now believe that adjusting to that reality will be a benefit to those that have been betrayed. As for fidelity, prior to her betrayal I certainly did not believe that my wife would violate fidelity but she did. Now after many years of R, I have come to believe that she will NOT betray me with another affair but I am not 100% sure of that. So I am about 90+% sure she will not have another sexual affair but less than 90% sure that she will not have a fantasy sexual or emotional affair or give her adoration to someone else.

 

 

It has helped me to NOT buy into the fairytale as underlined above and to work at building myself stronger and to become more self-reliant. This is what I feel will help the BS.

 

 

I have no problem at all with someone expecting their spouse to be faithful but realize that you cannot be 100% sure of that. Expecting someone to be faithful but realizing that it is possible they will violate fidelity is my reality and advice. Additionally, my advice is to build yourself up to become more self-reliant. I realize that you cannot build yourself up to be a complete island but you can build yourself up so that you will not be totally devastated and an emotional cripple for the years after.

 

I do not think that knowing infidelity exists and is possible would lessen the blow that comes from experiencing it.

We know cancer exists and is possible. Nevertheless, contracting it is devestating every bit as devestating as it would be if I had no knowledge of its existence.

[No Limit]

I don't generally expect much of people myself(so I'm rarely disappointed) but I find the idea of accepting that your spouse is likely to cheat on you in order to lessen the pain of being cheated on demoralizing. What's the point of being married if your partner has to be viewed with the same level of confidence as any stranger walking down the street? This sounds an awful lot like a defeatist position IMO.

 

Agreed. Boundaries work much better - you tell your partner your no-go's. If he or she still crosses the line, you're good to go.

[Mr Blunt]

By Krashi

I do not think that knowing infidelity exists and is possible would lessen the blow that comes from experiencing it.

 

I do. You have your opinion and I have mine.

 

You only addressed half of my statement below to state you opinion. Knowing that infidelity is a possibility and building yourself up so that you are more self-sufficient WOULD LESSEN THE BLOW and you would be BETTER ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE PAIN.

 

 

By Blunt

 

Expecting someone to be faithful but realizing that it is possible they will violate fidelity is my reality and advice. Additionally, my advice is to build yourself up to become more self-reliant.

Now that we both have tried to convince each other of our opinion and have failed; let’s address the OP and try and give information and advice that will help him deal with this terrible pain; that is what he has asked for. What experience or advice can you give the OP to help?

[betrayedandhurting]

People who say I'm sacred and scared of change are right. After this I had to make choices and each and every choice came with some positives but also very serious consequences. Nothing was a win-win anymore, that was out the window the moment I found out about this betrayal.

 

How do you make it better? Hurt less? I'm open to ideas but I think time and a healthy marriage go a long way. A bit of denial and "not thinking about it" help too. I don't think the happiest and most moved on people are on this board because they don't need or want to dwell in it. In those extended moments I'm just living my life things are great and Im happy it's just being snapped back by my mind to what happened that spoils it all.

 

Hopefully it gets less but I still have my family together and that means a lot to me.