Dela Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Hello everyone I ve been away from LS for a while. Me and MM started talking again(he came back in oct).. He told me he decided to end his marriage, that he s sorting things out and waiting to make the move. Turns out he was not lying to me all this time... He did have problems, he was really trying to figure things out and make a decision. 2 days ago he told me that he moved out(i was thinking he will do it after holidays but i m sure something happened)... I know the wife was not ok with the separation but they were fighting a lot and i think that s why he decided to make the move now... I didn t ask much, i just know he moved, he was kinda ****ed up when he called me. We don t talk much and i m trying not to stress him. Do u have any idea how should i be in this situation? Is it bad that he doesn t talk to me much? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I would make a guess he might have told her he has had an affair and they are going through a difficult reconciliation where the pain makes them repell each other. Be careful. I would not be sure it is over yet Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Honestly? He's a big boy and needs to sort his crap out for himself. He's looking to you as an emotional crutch when he needs it. Isn't that pretty much the way it's been since Day #1? That you basically wait to hear from him or wait for him to be the one to make himself available? This is no different. And quite honestly, his moving out is more than likely temporary. I've seen it over and over where the guys who actually do have the guts to move out end up moving back in. I'd keep myself very distanced from him. It's not your circus and not your monkeys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I think having an affair is the emotional crutch - it's the product of not dealing - put my issue(s) on a shelf, ignore and find some strange on the side to feel better about myself and escape. This little boy needs to grow up, act like a man, deal with his crap then maybe he will be ready for another relationship. He's acting like a baby, Dela. Your role isn't to help him continue to face his sh*&. Not surprising he contacted when things got tough. He's a weenie. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Thanks for ur posts. He didn t contact me when this happen. We are together, we were in contact all this time. I don t mean to be rude but what does have to say to make u guys not snap? Last time i posted here u told me that i should start talking to him when he s out of the house. Now he is. Seems like that s not enough for u in order to really help me and say something nice and not offend or other things... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 I mean, he actually did something. This proves he wasn t lying to me about his marriage problems. Doesn t this count at all? He finally made a move. I just needed some adivce on how to handle this situation now... Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I think as long as papers aren't signed, I'd be careful. You deserve respect. And you truly don't know what's going on in conversations between them, he's proven himself as a liar in his marriage by cheating. Amazing what my Wh told the ow to get her to stick around, then threw her under the bus and never spoke to her again. Smh. I guess from my perspective I'd want you to have your eyes very open and be safe. It sounds like the drama of ending his marriage isn't over (by that I mean divorce is dramatic and traumatic). It's hope: I'm hoping my wh doesn't cheat again, you're hoping your mm finalizes with his wife completely and ends up happily with you. And neither of us wants to get burned again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 For me, in my marriage- what seems to work best is that one in "crisis" sets the tone- if I am upset and need to be held, thats what we do- if he is upset and needs space, I give it to him- its not a doormat thing, its a partnership thing- sometimes one needs more than the other- now if it becomes unbalanced we talk about it, otherwise who ever has the need sets the tone- KWIM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Thank u all. I will give him space... I don t wanna be in the middle of his drama and it seems like he doesn t want me to be either. Which is a good thing. I was wondering what should i do, how should i be etc... But i guess the answer is to mind my own business and see what happens. I m glad he did this, although i guess it was not the best time(before holidays) so there is a chance to go back i guess... I m just thinking it took him so much to get to this point that i don t think ge will go back... But it is possible 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Is the wife still seeing her AP? What was the reason he moved out? Because of you, or because she asked him to? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Is the wife still seeing her AP? What was the reason he moved out? Because of you, or because she asked him to? I don t know. But not because of me. He left, i guess things blew up.. He just said that he s had enough. So she didn t throw him out or anything... I dont think she s still seeying the AP, he is also married.. I have no idea, i didn t ask much, he will tell me when we meet Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Thank u all. I will give him space... I don t wanna be in the middle of his drama and it seems like he doesn t want me to be either. Which is a good thing. I was wondering what should i do, how should i be etc... But i guess the answer is to mind my own business and see what happens. I m glad he did this, although i guess it was not the best time(before holidays) so there is a chance to go back i guess... I m just thinking it took him so much to get to this point that i don t think ge will go back... But it is possible Ooohh, there are a range of possibilities as to what can happen: He can go back. He can stay gone, but dump you. He can stay with you but be as regretful and unhappy as he supposedly was in his marriage. You can stay together and suddenly realize what a spineless fool he is. You can stay together and let the relationship naturally run its course. You guys can stay together and live happily ever after. The possibilities are endless. I think why people are questioning his intentions is because it has only been 2 days. Yes he moved out. That's a great first step. But it is only the first step. What happens from here is what will make or break you. Either which way, good luck. OK, I am not dumping on you at ALL, but this is what I have taken away from your posts: I got the impression that he really cares more about his wife than what he may have led you to believe. If anything was a dealbreaker for him, it was her affair. It wouldn't surprise me if he gives you the "I don't want another man raising my kids" line. I also think he is clueless, and facing pressure from his obligations (wife and kids) and a starry eyed mistress who wants more out of him than what he may be able to offer. I hope I'm wrong. But this is just what I have gotten from your story and the conversations with him that you have shared. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Be the same as how you have been since Oct. Just be there as a friend to listen but let him work his problems out. Don't offer advice or pressure him or ask to see him more. Let him set the pace. He still has a lot to go through and anything can happen, although I wish for the best for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 You also have to bear in mind how many "he left! You see, guys, he wasn't lying!" stories people here have read as to why some voices may sound cynical. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Give it time. He JUST moved out and there's a lot of emotions going on. He and his wife will have much to sort out IF they do divorce. Don't get caught up in it, maybe that's why he's not talking to you about it. Be relieved about that as you don't want to get sucked into his drama and possible pending divorce. Keep things casual, give him space and time. Don't rush to move in together or even think about a ring on your finger. A lot can happen it being so close to the holidays and if they have children together, him leaving isn't carved in stone either... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 It's only been 2 days so don't celebrate yet. What do you mean he moved out? Do you mean that he rented himself a suitable place and then went home, packed up all of his crap and got himself all set up at his new place? Or do you mean he and his wife had a fight, he stormed out the door, and now he's crashing on someone's couch or staying with you? If it's the former then there is a good possibility that his marriage is really ending but still no gaurantee that he is going to turn your affair into a lasting monogamous relationship. Sometimes when people get divorced they want a brand new start and sometimes means the AP gets left behind too. If it's the latter and your MM is just flopping at someone's house then he will probably be back home with his wife before Xmas. It seems to me that when an MM's marriage is ending, the affair also becomes very unstable and volatile so I think you need to be ready for more heartache. Be supportive but let yourself become entwined in his drama and mostly try to protect yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Honestly? He's a big boy and needs to sort his crap out for himself. He's looking to you as an emotional crutch when he needs it. Isn't that pretty much the way it's been since Day #1? That you basically wait to hear from him or wait for him to be the one to make himself available? This is no different. And quite honestly, his moving out is more than likely temporary. I've seen it over and over where the guys who actually do have the guts to move out end up moving back in. I'd keep myself very distanced from him. It's not your circus and not your monkeys. Usually I find your posts too aggressive, but frankly right now I'm in a bottom feeding tank of self harm and could use a kick in the ass. NJ isn't that far from me. Coffee? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 There are a few of us that are quite capable of long-range ass kicking. Just holler. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Thanks for ur posts. He didn t contact me when this happen. We are together, we were in contact all this time. I don t mean to be rude but what does have to say to make u guys not snap? Last time i posted here u told me that i should start talking to him when he s out of the house. Now he is. Seems like that s not enough for u in order to really help me and say something nice and not offend or other things... I think you should avoid hin lkke yhe plague so you will not be tempted to commit adultery. He is still married, after all. One he gets divorced, perhsps you csn date. Until then, I think it is best to avoid him. Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 OP, there are two types of people that leave a long M. There are people like me, who were resolute. Sure, it's hard making that transition and coming to terms with the fact that our M is ending, not to mention the splitting of debts and assets, but we don't look back at all. When we finally get things squared away, we feel a sense of relief. Then there are people who are highly conflicted and waffle back and forth on the issue of whether they really want to stay or go. They move out, they move back in, and this can carry on for years. I have a married friend like that who's been at it for a decade. These people are particularly dangerous, because they are not committed to their decision. I don't know what category your MM falls into. But if it's the latter, please don't let your expectations get too high, at least not right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 OP, there are two types of people that leave a long M. There are people like me, who were resolute. Sure, it's hard making that transition and coming to terms with the fact that our M is ending, not to mention the splitting of debts and assets, but we don't look back at all. When we finally get things squared away, we feel a sense of relief. Then there are people who are highly conflicted and waffle back and forth on the issue of whether they really want to stay or go. They move out, they move back in, and this can carry on for years. I have a married friend like that who's been at it for a decade. These people are particularly dangerous, because they are not committed to their decision. I don't know what category your MM falls into. But if it's the latter, please don't let your expectations get too high, at least not right away. Thanks for your post.. He s having second thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Of course he's having second thoughts. He is about to walk away from the life he's only known, their mutual friends, family and in laws, the house, the kids, everything will change. He's scared to lose everything that he worked hard to have. Ending a marriage can't be done on a whim. I hope you take care of yourself, focus on your family, friends and keep busy. Make YOU a priority and allow him to sort out what he needs to sort out. He may or may not come back to you but for now since he IS having second thoughts you need to leave him alone and go NC. Sorry I know you're hurting but this is the only healthy way to handle it all otherwise you'll get sucked into his drama. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 It could be that he just can't get to grips with the fact that his wife betrayed him by having an affair. I don't recall you mentioning he wasn't happy in his marriage while you were in the affair before. .. but I might be wrong. I don't believe he'd have moved out if she didn't have an affair.... that must have taken the wind out of him. He probably can't look at her the same anymore, yet knowing he's no better must also be pricking his conscience. You won't like to hear this......but he may very well view you as the reason his wife has an affair.... indirectly of course. As in.....if he wasn't sneaking around with you.....his wife wouldn't have strayed. So a future with you will be a painful reminder for him. The truth is........ his wife would have had the affair anyway.... nobody made her do it and she made a crappy choice.... but here's the thing... whatever he says to her about how awful she is to betray him... he knows (even though she doesn't) that he's just the same. .. so he'll feel a bit hypocritical. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 Thanks for ur posts. His wife started the affair the same time he did.. So it was not my fault.. Also she s not talking to that guy anymore. Apparently they didn t have sex but who knows... He isn t as mad about the affair as the way she lied to him after he found out about it and still does... He s having second thoughts because he doesn t know how to handle the kid situation... She s threatening to move away with the kids if they divorce.. We met today, it was our 1 year anniversary... We went out for diner, i got flowers and we talked... I told him i can understand his second thoughts but i m wondering where he wants to be in the end.. He s stuck in "i don t know how i will see my kids, i don t know how i will make it etc"... I told him he should be concerned on how to make things ok.. He said that he doesn t want to lose me, that he is very good in this relationship, that being with me it can mean bad for the kids and being away from me is bad for me and him... Honestly i m not happy that he moved, i know that he can go back and he probably will, i am a little relieved that now i know he wasn t lying to me and he is doing stuff to get out of his marriage. I know everyone here tells me to stay away, the thing is we are together now, we talk about us and things... I just need your support on how to handle this, maybe some of u have been in my situation, please be kind with me, i m not in a good place and i m not ready to give up on this yet... I was thinking to give him a deadline, maybe 6 months, i don t know... I understand that he doesn t want to lose me, i don t want that either, but i can t be in this situation forever... If someone would like to talk to me on skype i would be very grateful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Thanks for ur posts. His wife started the affair the same time he did.. So it was not my fault.. Also she s not talking to that guy anymore. Apparently they didn t have sex but who knows... He isn t as mad about the affair as the way she lied to him after he found out about it and still does... He s having second thoughts because he doesn t know how to handle the kid situation... She s threatening to move away with the kids if they divorce.. We met today, it was our 1 year anniversary... We went out for diner, i got flowers and we talked... I told him i can understand his second thoughts but i m wondering where he wants to be in the end.. He s stuck in "i don t know how i will see my kids, i don t know how i will make it etc"... I told him he should be concerned on how to make things ok.. He said that he doesn t want to lose me, that he is very good in this relationship, that being with me it can mean bad for the kids and being away from me is bad for me and him... Honestly i m not happy that he moved, i know that he can go back and he probably will, i am a little relieved that now i know he wasn t lying to me and he is doing stuff to get out of his marriage. I know everyone here tells me to stay away, the thing is we are together now, we talk about us and things... I just need your support on how to handle this, maybe some of u have been in my situation, please be kind with me, i m not in a good place and i m not ready to give up on this yet... I was thinking to give him a deadline, maybe 6 months, i don t know... I understand that he doesn t want to lose me, i don t want that either, but i can t be in this situation forever... If someone would like to talk to me on skype i would be very grateful You know my h left his ex and we have been together for several years now. I have said it lots of times that we took things very slow. We dated long distance while he got set up in an apartment. About six months. then he moved me here and rented my kids and me a house and we dated for a good while. Then he moved in with me and we did that for a while. Then we m and are where we are now. It was not easy. But I will tell you this: he NEVER considered going back the second he walked out that door. Not. Once. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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