MM moved out

[Dela]

And why do you wish to vent his side when he hasn't decided to divorce yet? Hasn't taken action yet to divorce?

 

You've volunteered to wait and wait and I'm wondering why your choice is to keep waiting when he's told you there may not be anything to wait for - except continuing to be his secret...?

 

Why aren't you willing to make demands that serve the needs that you want? Why must you be secondary to what he may want?

 

I'm just wondering?....

 

 

He didn t tell me there is nothing to wait for...

It was my choice to be by his side, i didn t know how it is, i ve never been in a situation like this before.. I can now see it s damn hard. I just did what i thought it s the right thing to do. If he s going to this transition i said i can be there.

I said to myself that i can t force him to leave on my terms, when i want and how i want it.. He has to come to that point by himself. I m not threatening, manipulating him in any way... I also said to myself that if it takes too long and i can t take it anymore, i can just end it and tell him to call me when he finally divorces(if that s not happening in 5 years and i m still single)..

 

So i have my plans in my head, i m not just sitting around clueless and waiting forever. But i can t threaten him that i m leaving him if he doesn t decide soon when he s leaving and stuff.. I never did that and i m not going to start now.

If a man wants to divorce, wants to be with u, he has to do it because he wants to not because u demand him to. I can just set my limits and conditions, him ending his marriage is up to him.

 

In these situations 100 things can happen. I ve heard of people who went back and fourth for years... I ve heard of people who moved out and back and then moved put for good. I ve heard of people who moved out for good since the first time. Each person reacts differently, i can t anticipate the next move.. If ****s come along the way as "i m taking the kids away if we divorce" or any other emotional blackmail, i have no clue what s gonna happen next.

I agree i should put myself first and find a way to do that while still being close to him.. I have no idea how to manage with this. It would be easier if he wasn t this ****ed up and i could have some 100% answers...

[Dela]

Have you asked him why he hasn't come clean with his wife about his affair with you? Seems to me the reason why he hasn't is because if she does find out she will kick him to curb and the decision will be made for him. Right now with holding this information that he's been cheating on her two keeps him in control and also makes him the 'good guy' in everybody's eyes. Friends, family, kids etc., yet the truth always comes out so if he believes his A won't come out someday he's fooling himself.

 

 

Thanks for ur post. The reason he s not coming clean is because she ll make it hard with the kids and probably we won t be able to have any relationship if everyone knows we were together during his marriage... I would not have any relationship with him if that would happen i guess...

[Lovemesomehim]

Thanks for ur posts.

 

His wife started the affair the same time he did.. So it was not my fault.. Also she s not talking to that guy anymore. Apparently they didn t have sex but who knows... He isn t as mad about the affair as the way she lied to him after he found out about it and still does...

He s having second thoughts because he doesn t know how to handle the kid situation... She s threatening to move away with the kids if they divorce..

We met today, it was our 1 year anniversary... We went out for diner, i got flowers and we talked... I told him i can understand his second thoughts but i m wondering where he wants to be in the end.. He s stuck in "i don t know how i will see my kids, i don t know how i will make it etc"... I told him he should be concerned on how to make things ok..

He said that he doesn t want to lose me, that he is very good in this relationship, that being with me it can mean bad for the kids and being away from me is bad for me and him...

 

Honestly i m not happy that he moved, i know that he can go back and he probably will, i am a little relieved that now i know he wasn t lying to me and he is doing stuff to get out of his marriage.

 

I know everyone here tells me to stay away, the thing is we are together now, we talk about us and things...

I just need your support on how to handle this, maybe some of u have been in my situation, please be kind with me, i m not in a good place and i m not ready to give up on this yet...

I was thinking to give him a deadline, maybe 6 months, i don t know... I understand that he doesn t want to lose me, i don t want that either, but i can t be in this situation forever...

If someone would like to talk to me on skype i would be very grateful

 

But I thought you stated in a previous post that you two had only been together for a few months.

[Lovemesomehim]

But I thought you stated in a previous post that you two had only been together for a few months.

 

No I am wrong. You two started while he was married a year ago and in order for him not to look like the bad guy by ending his marriage during the affair. Right? He decided to step back from you to give his marriage a try. But in truth he really didn't give his marriage a chance because he was still hiding you as he is still hiding you from everyone. He probably wants to make it seem that it was his wife who pushed him into your arms but all along he did it. Wow! If there are young kids involved this man created a mess that his wife is probably dealing with without him. Wow! Prayers for that family.

[Dela]

No I am wrong. You two started while he was married a year ago and in order for him not to look like the bad guy by ending his marriage during the affair. Right? He decided to step back from you to give his marriage a try. But in truth he really didn't give his marriage a chance because he was still hiding you as he is still hiding you from everyone. He probably wants to make it seem that it was his wife who pushed him into your arms but all along he did it. Wow! If there are young kids involved this man created a mess that his wife is probably dealing with without him. Wow! Prayers for that family.

 

 

 

We ve been together for a year and he decided to end his marriage 2 months ago. We ve never actually been separated in this time(just once i ended it and went back and once he ended it and came back on his own without me doi g anything. That s when he told me about his decision(2 months ago)

Now he moved last week and he s having second thoughts yes... 2 kids involved...

[Lady2163]

We ve been together for a year and he decided to end his marriage 2 months ago. We ve never actually been separated in this time(just once i ended it and went back and once he ended it and came back on his own without me doi g anything. That s when he told me about his decision(2 months ago)

Now he moved last week and he s having second thoughts yes... 2 kids involved...

 

Have you considered just being a "friend" during this time and not be "by his side"? Someone who listens to him, but doesn't necessarily see him and absolutely NO sex. Personally, I'd call his bluff and tell him you just want to be friends until his divorce is final. Then a few weeks from now, I'd tell him, someone asked you out and you are thinking of going.

 

Yup, it is game playing. But he needs to make some decisions about you as well as his marriage. I'm not convinced this guy is worth it.

[Dela]

Have you considered just being a "friend" during this time and not be "by his side"? Someone who listens to him, but doesn't necessarily see him and absolutely NO sex. Personally, I'd call his bluff and tell him you just want to be friends until his divorce is final. Then a few weeks from now, I'd tell him, someone asked you out and you are thinking of going.

 

Yup, it is game playing. But he needs to make some decisions about you as well as his marriage. I'm not convinced this guy is worth it.

 

 

Thanks. I will start to go out more.. I ve been kinda antisocial and isolated lately but i m starting to feel better.

[sandylee1]

Thank u so much for ur support...

We ve been together the last months.. Sex and all... I see him a little more involved....

 

 

I agree he did the same, but he s just bothered about her lying and not admitting to what happened.

...

 

Sorry.. I just have to say.....Wow! This is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. You've got to see the hypocrisy right there.

 

 

He's had an affair, got a woman pregnant, the child has been aborted and she knows nothing of this, yet he's bothered by her lying. I

 

 

If he thinks she's lying, he should get her to do a polygraph as a condition of moving forward. He just better be careful she doesn't ask for one in return........ then he'd be stuffed.

 

 

Dela, I understand you don't want to be hated by his friends and family, but if he knows you'll always be there sexually and emotionally.... why will he bother with a divorce?

 

 

I can't recall again.... but does his wife work? just wondering if finances are a concern.

 

 

I think she's also got a cheek threatening to take the kids out of state after she cheated. That doesn't sound like a remorseful spouse at all.

 

 

One other thing.... I think I recall there is a bit of an age gap between you two?

 

 

Are you sure this won't be an issue further down the line?

 

 

 

 

Maybe, rather than abandoning him as you see it... you should say you want to give him some space to figure things out and ask for NC...for at least one week, but would be better.

 

 

He has to miss you. He has to know what life is like without you. Right now he knows you are going nowhere. By stating NC, it will make him think that you won't take crumbs any more.

 

 

I know he says he's worried about the kids.... but honestly IMO, if he really wanted to leave, her cheating would have been the perfect opportunity. He could have said he doesn't trust her any more and then said he has to move out to figure how he feels..... then after a while.... he tells her he is done.... then you could have slid into the picture after a while.

 

 

As the WS, she hopefully would have been reasonable about the split of assets and visitation.... but maybe he's wondering if all women cheat like his wife.. and thinks perhaps it's a case of better the devil you know. It can knock you into next week if you never ever expected your spouse to cheat

 

 

If he were to take a financial hit from a divorce with her... he won't be keen to marry again in a hurry I can tell you. Do you want a broken man ant marriage on your hands?

[Dela]

Sorry.. I just have to say.....Wow! This is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. You've got to see the hypocrisy right there.

 

 

He's had an affair, got a woman pregnant, the child has been aborted and she knows nothing of this, yet he's bothered by her lying. I

 

 

If he thinks she's lying, he should get her to do a polygraph as a condition of moving forward. He just better be careful she doesn't ask for one in return........ then he'd be stuffed.

 

 

Dela, I understand you don't want to be hated by his friends and family, but if he knows you'll always be there sexually and emotionally.... why will he bother with a divorce?

 

 

I can't recall again.... but does his wife work? just wondering if finances are a concern.

 

 

I think she's also got a cheek threatening to take the kids out of state after she cheated. That doesn't sound like a remorseful spouse at all.

 

 

One other thing.... I think I recall there is a bit of an age gap between you two?

 

 

Are you sure this won't be an issue further down the line?

 

 

 

 

Maybe, rather than abandoning him as you see it... you should say you want to give him some space to figure things out and ask for NC...for at least one week, but would be better.

 

 

He has to miss you. He has to know what life is like without you. Right now he knows you are going nowhere. By stating NC, it will make him think that you won't take crumbs any more.

 

 

I know he says he's worried about the kids.... but honestly IMO, if he really wanted to leave, her cheating would have been the perfect opportunity. He could have said he doesn't trust her any more and then said he has to move out to figure how he feels..... then after a while.... he tells her he is done.... then you could have slid into the picture after a while.

 

 

As the WS, she hopefully would have been reasonable about the split of assets and visitation.... but maybe he's wondering if all women cheat like his wife.. and thinks perhaps it's a case of better the devil you know. It can knock you into next week if you never ever expected your spouse to cheat

 

 

If he were to take a financial hit from a divorce with her... he won't be keen to marry again in a hurry I can tell you. Do you want a broken man ant marriage on your hands?

 

 

There s no age gap. 6 years only..

[Ms. Faust]

There s no age gap. 6 years only..

 

No comments to his hypocrisy about being upset that his wife lied when he not only had an affair but impregnated you?

 

It's something that sticks out in this whole situation that is pretty baffling. How is he justifying this again? And how are you justifying it as well?

[Lovemesomehim]

We ve been together for a year and he decided to end his marriage 2 months ago. We ve never actually been separated in this time(just once i ended it and went back and once he ended it and came back on his own without me doi g anything. That s when he told me about his decision(2 months ago)

Now he moved last week and he s having second thoughts yes... 2 kids involved...

 

He's having second thoughts because he NEVER gave his marriage the chance it needed to survive. The two of you put a barrier up against his marriage when you two proceeded into an affair. He knows this and to use the 2 kids an excuse to go back to his "marriage" is ridiculous. You state the two of you never actually separated so how could he give the marriage a chance? Even if you two parted ways twice in the year you have been together, the marriage is not confusing...he is.

Also, He wants to hide you on the side then introduce you to the family as if you two did not destroy his marriage. All I know for sure is...what's put into the wash will come out in the rinse.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for ur post. The reason he s not coming clean is because she ll make it hard with the kids and probably we won t be able to have any relationship if everyone knows we were together during his marriage... I would not have any relationship with him if that would happen i guess...

 

There's NO way a judge would allow her to take the kids away from him if his affair comes out seeing as she had one too...Unless that was a lie and she never had one?

 

It is selfish and unfair of them both to play this game.

 

Let me ask, did her affair come to light to their family and friends?

[anika99]

No comments to his hypocrisy about being upset that his wife lied when he not only had an affair but impregnated you?

 

It's something that sticks out in this whole situation that is pretty baffling. How is he justifying this again? And how are you justifying it as well?

 

I know. I don't understand why this MM's glaring hypocrisy and double standards aren't more alarming to the OP. If she gets him then one day she will be on the receiving end of this hideous behavior.

 

OP all cheating married men who don't want to leave their wives claim that she will take the kids far away and he will never see them again. I think most of the time they are lying and their wives aren't threatening any such thing, but even if occasionally they are telling the truth, they could fight it. I know where I live one parent isn't allowed to move away with the children unless the other parent agrees to it. And as was already pointed out, since he is such a lying hypocrite why didn't he grab his chance to leave when it was handed to him on a silver platter? He could have blamed it all on her cheating, while concealing his own cheating, and had everyone, even his wife, believing that he was injured party. Her guilt probably would have her kissing his ass and giving him as much time with the kids as he wanted.

[Lovemesomehim]

Thanks for ur post. The reason he s not coming clean is because she ll make it hard with the kids and probably we won t be able to have any relationship if everyone knows we were together during his marriage... I would not have any relationship with him if that would happen i guess...

 

This statement right here says volume to me.

1. The two of you know that what you're doing is wrong and in order for you two to have the respect of the family, you both are hiding the affair to look good for the outside world...hmmm

2. How can she make it hard for the kids? Dad also has a part to play in making it hard for the kids.

3. He's probably not coming clean because he's ashamed of hurting his wife. If her alleged affair prompted him to cheat, why hide you? If he forgave her, why wouldn't she forgive him?

4. If your affair with her husband came out, why wouldn't you stand by his side? You love him right?

[sandylee1]

There s no age gap. 6 years only..

 

Sorry.. I must have been thinking of someone else.

 

I'll just say something else though...... do you really need a guy who even IF he gets divorced has the baggage he comes with. I know good men are in short supply.... but think back to what he said when you were pregnant.... he said he'd leave her and live on his own if you had the baby. He would have rathered been a part time dad to the two sets of kids, than a full time dad to any of them.

 

Things may have changed since her affair, but let's assume he doesn't want to live apart from the kids, that won't change...... to divorce, his desire not to see his wife everyday must outweigh the desire to see his kids everyday.

 

I think the reason he hasn't or isn't able to get to the point of not standing her....is the knowledge and guilt of his own affair. He probably still blames himself for her affair as he was not being attentive.... and before you say the affairs happened at the same time.... his mind was on you and his emotions were with you before you got physical.

 

Again, let's assume you end up with him..... why do you think he won't cheat on you? His marriage from what you've said wasn't in a bad state. He wanted that new relationship feel...which only lasts so long. What did his wife do to make him cheat? NOTHING... then ask what can you do to make him not cheat if he ends up with you? NOTHING.

 

In all of this... The most important thing is that YOU are honest with yourself.

[Dela]

Wow, thanks for ur posts. I don t know where to begin

 

1.Not every once cheater is gonna do it again.

2.He admits his sucky marriage(things got hard) because of him tol(mostly, before i was even in the picture, since they were together the first time etc), so he s not blaming the wife

3.I m thinking that things will be wven harder if someone from his family or his wife found out about me now. I have no problem if they find out if we ll have a relationship, but right now it will just be a bigger drama than it is.. This marriage was like this before i met MM, i didn t break anything, i found everything already broken..

4.He wants to get a divorce but he wants her to agree also.

5.he will go to IC

6.i get what u re all saying"he cheated too but he blames her or what she did and he doesn t come clean"... He just doesn t see any good coming out of this. I think some family members know about what happened, i didn t ask

7.He is not upset about the affair(apparently it was not physical), he is upset because he had all the info and she kept lying to him and hide what really happened. He talked to that guy or so and he also lied to him. I think he also talked to his wife but i m not sure if he told her about her h and his w

[SummerDreams]

Dela I'm sorry for what you are going through, it sure sucks. I am sorry also to say that you have to remain strong and deal with this cleverly. If you are always there and available to him, he will find no reason to actually leave you if he decides to go back to his wife. I suggest the hard solution which is to let him miss you. Tell him that you can't be his counselor with this matter and you have to keep some distance for your own good and give him the space and time he needs to decide what he wants to do. He has to separate in his head the two things: leaving his family and moving in with you. The first has to be his own decision and he has to make it alone. He could have a friend, a family member or a therapist helping him, but NOT YOU. What you should do imo is stay away for as long as all this process is going on. If he wants to go back to his wife, you have your answer. If he wants to officially move out and leave his wife, he should make the divorce papers, deal with the kids' issues WITH HIS WIFE, and after all this is done, he knows where to find you.

 

Keep your distance. You owe it to yourself.

[Dela]

Well, he will go back home and start IC or he ll go with the wife to figure out how to take this step in a normal and good manner. He seems decided to D, he seems to want the w to be aswell...

[SweetiePi]

No offense, but is this really a man you want to call your husband in the future? Think ahead... are you ready to be a step mom to kids that eventually will find out you were part of why their dad divorce? They (and your new inlaws) might come to resent or hate you. He admits many of the problems in his marriage are because of him. He is upset SHE lied about her affair... what about HIS lying to her and continued sleeping with you? I agree with another poster, If he really wanted out he would have used his wife's affair to exit his marriage. This man sounds like a real prize

 

 

 

 

Wow, thanks for ur posts. I don t know where to begin

 

1.Not every once cheater is gonna do it again.

2.He admits his sucky marriage(things got hard) because of him tol(mostly, before i was even in the picture, since they were together the first time etc), so he s not blaming the wife

3.I m thinking that things will be wven harder if someone from his family or his wife found out about me now. I have no problem if they find out if we ll have a relationship, but right now it will just be a bigger drama than it is.. This marriage was like this before i met MM, i didn t break anything, i found everything already broken..

4.He wants to get a divorce but he wants her to agree also.

5.he will go to IC

6.i get what u re all saying"he cheated too but he blames her or what she did and he doesn t come clean"... He just doesn t see any good coming out of this. I think some family members know about what happened, i didn t ask

7.He is not upset about the affair(apparently it was not physical), he is upset because he had all the info and she kept lying to him and hide what really happened. He talked to that guy or so and he also lied to him. I think he also talked to his wife but i m not sure if he told her about her h and his w

[Dela]

No offense, but is this really a man you want to call your husband in the future? Think ahead... are you ready to be a step mom to kids that eventually will find out you were part of why their dad divorce? They (and your new inlaws) might come to resent or hate you. He admits many of the problems in his marriage are because of him. He is upset SHE lied about her affair... what about HIS lying to her and continued sleeping with you? I agree with another poster, If he really wanted out he would have used his wife's affair to exit his marriage. This man sounds like a real prize

 

 

Wouldn t that be unfair and ****ed up to use her affair when he did the same thing??? That s not. Healthy way to end a marriage. Although she doesn t know about me, he knows what he s done. How does his using her affair as a reason seem like a good idea to u?

Should she live forever thinking that because of her the marriage ended? That doesn t seem fair to me... Problems were there before he met me and before she met her OM. So if u think logically, they were both screwed before having affairs. None of them wanted to work on the marriage so they chose something else. But i don t agree with him using her affair as a way out. It s not fair. They should split because they r not ok together and were not ok before the affairs, using her affair would make him a horrible person.

I specifically asked if he wants to D because her affair and he said no, because they were disfunctional anyway and she kept lying to his face for 3 months about what really happened with the OM.

[Dela]

Wouldn t that be unfair and ****ed up to use her affair when he did the same thing??? That s not. Healthy way to end a marriage. Although she doesn t know about me, he knows what he s done. How does his using her affair as a reason seem like a good idea to u?

Should she live forever thinking that because of her the marriage ended? That doesn t seem fair to me... Problems were there before he met me and before she met her OM. So if u think logically, they were both screwed before having affairs. None of them wanted to work on the marriage so they chose something else. But i don t agree with him using her affair as a way out. It s not fair. They should split because they r not ok together and were not ok before the affairs, using her affair would make him a horrible person.

I specifically asked if he wants to D because her affair and he said no, because they were disfunctional anyway and she kept lying to his face for 3 months about what really happened with the OM.

[sandylee1]

His wife won't agree to a divorce. She doesn't want to be single with two kids. Remember not so long ago she wanted another kid?

 

What stops him filing for D and citing her infidelity? Why does she have to agree to it. He doesn't need her agreement.

 

This relationship doesn't sound like fun for you at all.

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah, I don't understand this incessant need for her to agree to the divorce.

 

Please don't say because of the kids, we all know that is bull excrements. I suspect you are getting a collection of eye rolls whenever you say "he said she won't let him see the kids...."

 

He found out she cheated, divorce her and be done with it. What more is there to drag out? After all, their relationship is dead in the water, even before you were involved, right?

[Dela]

He will start IC to handle this situation in his own way. I suspect it sucks for him to acuse her and use her affair as a d reason when he knows that he did the same thing... So he should be able to put things as he wants, get out of this marriage how he feels or thinks it s the best way to do it.

It s not my life, marriage, business how he wants to end his marriage. Until then i mind my own business and just see wjat happens.

[SweetiePi]

I meant that he should use this opportunity when her affair came out to say to her "Look we have problems in our marriage that are beyond our ability to work out. We lie to each other and are unwilling (or unable to) work on our marriage. Let us not blame each other as we both have messed up. Let's get a divorce and work together to parent our children." That would be the mature thing.

 

 

If you think logically, you would see that this man is not one you want to end up with. Do you want to be with a hypocrite (blaming her for lying while he is lying to her too)? Do you want to end up with a man in the future that has shown he is "not willing to work at his marriage"? Will he do the same to you when times get tough? I have no clue. Am just putting some things o think about out there.

 

 

Wouldn t that be unfair and ****ed up to use her affair when he did the same thing??? That s not. Healthy way to end a marriage. Although she doesn t know about me, he knows what he s done. How does his using her affair as a reason seem like a good idea to u?

Should she live forever thinking that because of her the marriage ended? That doesn t seem fair to me... Problems were there before he met me and before she met her OM. So if u think logically, they were both screwed before having affairs. None of them wanted to work on the marriage so they chose something else. But i don t agree with him using her affair as a way out. It s not fair. They should split because they r not ok together and were not ok before the affairs, using her affair would make him a horrible person.

I specifically asked if he wants to D because her affair and he said no, because they were disfunctional anyway and she kept lying to his face for 3 months about what really happened with the OM.