MM moved out

[sandylee1]

Thanks for ur posts.

 

His wife started the affair the same time he did.. So it was not my fault.. Also she s not talking to that guy anymore. Apparently they didn t have sex but who knows... He isn t as mad about the affair as the way she lied to him after he found out about it and still does...

He s having second thoughts because he doesn t know how to handle the kid situation... She s threatening to move away with the kids if they divorce..

We met today, it was our 1 year anniversary... We went out for diner, i got flowers and we talked... I told him i can understand his second thoughts but i m wondering where he wants to be in the end.. He s stuck in "i don t know how i will see my kids, i don t know how i will make it etc"... I told him he should be concerned on how to make things ok..

He said that he doesn t want to lose me, that he is very good in this relationship, that being with me it can mean bad for the kids and being away from me is bad for me and him...

 

Honestly i m not happy that he moved, i know that he can go back and he probably will, i am a little relieved that now i know he wasn t lying to me and he is doing stuff to get out of his marriage.

 

I know everyone here tells me to stay away, the thing is we are together now, we talk about us and things...

I just need your support on how to handle this, maybe some of u have been in my situation, please be kind with me, i m not in a good place and i m not ready to give up on this yet...

I was thinking to give him a deadline, maybe 6 months, i don t know... I understand that he doesn t want to lose me, i don t want that either, but i can t be in this situation forever...

If someone would like to talk to me on skype i would be very grateful

 

 

I know her affair was nothing to do with you... she has to own it.. but had his mind not been elsewhere... he may have got wind of it.

but he'll probably be thinking of the times he wasn't there.... that's when she had time for the other guy. Who can tell... if people are determined to do something ... they finda way.

 

Right now he needs to sort out his feelings for her... like does he still love her... does he want to make it work. Maybe him believing it was not a PA is of some comfort....... a lot of BHs struggle with the knowledge that their wife had sex with another man.. gave her body. Who knows if that will work in her favour. Who knows if she even wants the marriage.

 

At this point maybe a timeline will be insensitive. Just wait and see how permanent his move is...otherwise you'll just get heartbroken Dela. He has to know what he wants.

 

He knows you love him. He knows you are there...... but personally I would not put your life on hold for him. He needs to know you are a desirable young woman and are not sitting around waiting for him.

 

Get yourself out... try and enjoy other people's company and see where he's at in a month or so.

 

 

 

She shouldn't be able to move away with the kids..... The court recognises parental rights for visitation.

[WestEndGirl]

At this point maybe a timeline will be insensitive. Just wait and see how permanent his move is...otherwise you'll just get heartbroken Dela. He has to know what he wants.

 

I agree with this. Regardless of the circumstances, when someone is getting a D, or even separated, forcing them to make big life decisions is an ill-fated notion. You need to be a friend, a genuine friend, to this man and realize that his world has been turned upside down.

[Dela]

thanks

 

the thing is i m almost sure he ll move back... he wanted to end it anyway, but now he moved when he was angry and didn t think it thru... he was waiting to see if tey can divorce in a good manner without scandals and stuff.

 

so what do i do if he moves back? what does this mean? they reconcile, work on the marriage? should i take a break if he moves back? tell him we can t talk anymore? i don t wanna leave him in this situation, but this moving out and back can happen again and again... he doesn t look like he s sure about making this move permanent. he s not doing ok, he is all over the place. i m trying not to be mean with him but 3 months ago he said he wants out and now i think he s not so sure anymore...

 

but in the same time i see him trying to work things out in our relationship, i see he dosnt want to lose me, he even seems more involved with me now...

 

this back and fourth is not ok for me..i ve been thru so much this year.. the abortion ****ed me, this situation is not making things easier for me... i m trying to heal and find a good place for my mind and i just need to know what he wants so i know where i go from there

[norudder]

thanks

 

the thing is i m almost sure he ll move back... he wanted to end it anyway, but now he moved when he was angry and didn t think it thru... he was waiting to see if tey can divorce in a good manner without scandals and stuff.

 

so what do i do if he moves back? what does this mean? they reconcile, work on the marriage? should i take a break if he moves back? tell him we can t talk anymore? i don t wanna leave him in this situation, but this moving out and back can happen again and again... he doesn t look like he s sure about making this move permanent. he s not doing ok, he is all over the place. i m trying not to be mean with him but 3 months ago he said he wants out and now i think he s not so sure anymore...

 

but in the same time i see him trying to work things out in our relationship, i see he dosnt want to lose me, he even seems more involved with me now...

 

this back and fourth is not ok for me..i ve been thru so much this year.. the abortion ****ed me, this situation is not making things easier for me... i m trying to heal and find a good place for my mind and i just need to know what he wants so i know where i go from there

 

Ive started to become sensitive to hearing these words from women. Doesn't matter whether its bf/gf, h/w, ow/mm or bw/wh... Men will do what they want to do and more often than not we go along with it. Be strong in what YOU want. I don't mean "him" but defined in terms of a relationship/behaviors because the man may or may not match the role YOU should be defining for YOU. Of course you have compassion and understanding but not at the expense of your standards. If it gets to be too much to handle be ready to *gently* say "I need more and even though youre trying its clearly too much right now you aren't ready for that." Which really nobody mid divorce is ready. Then give him space. Steering clear is probably best right now to prevent resentment on both sides.

[whichwayisup]

thanks

 

the thing is i m almost sure he ll move back... he wanted to end it anyway, but now he moved when he was angry and didn t think it thru... he was waiting to see if tey can divorce in a good manner without scandals and stuff.

 

so what do i do if he moves back? what does this mean? they reconcile, work on the marriage? should i take a break if he moves back? tell him we can t talk anymore? i don t wanna leave him in this situation, but this moving out and back can happen again and again... he doesn t look like he s sure about making this move permanent. he s not doing ok, he is all over the place. i m trying not to be mean with him but 3 months ago he said he wants out and now i think he s not so sure anymore...

 

but in the same time i see him trying to work things out in our relationship, i see he dosnt want to lose me, he even seems more involved with me now...

 

this back and fourth is not ok for me..i ve been thru so much this year.. the abortion ****ed me, this situation is not making things easier for me... i m trying to heal and find a good place for my mind and i just need to know what he wants so i know where i go from there

 

It may come down to him not wanting to be a part time parent to his children. He's put himself in a situation where now he has to choose. His actions from here on out will be telling...For your own mental health you may have to step back and let things play out.

 

BOTH of them cheated yet it seems she doesn't know of his affair with you and that it's still on going? If that is the case, he's no better than she is and they're both on even footing.

 

He doesn't know what or who he wants right now so please don't push him into making a decision right now. All this just happened, him moving out so protect your heart, anything can happen. Not saying that to be mean its just something you need to prepare yourself for.

[S2B]

Make decisions that are in YOUR best interest! Not decisions based on what he MAY or MAY NOT do.

 

This is your life - it shouldn't be based on someone else and "waiting for them to decide".

 

You've been on the sideline - and now he has a chance to highlight you - but he isn't. That should tell you everything he's not going to say.

 

Don't wait for anyone - move forward and be happy!

[bathtub-row]

I think it's a very encouraging sign that he has moved out. Based on what you seem to be saying, I'm assuming that you haven't been seeing him lately and not having sex. If you start seeing him again, just proceed with caution. If he does what he says he's going to do, then he'll be under a lot of stress. He really is going to need space to get his head together. It rarely works out to dive into one relationship from another. You would be smart to stand back a little, be his friend but don't get sexually involved. He will tell you otherwise that's what he wants but it's the smart thing to do, and you're going to have to be the one to put controls on the situation.

 

Sometimes guys do go back to the marriage after six months or so. I'd say be cautiously optimistic, but build your connection with him during this time. If you start having sex with him, it will further confuse him, and will create dishonesty from him. As the months go by, you'll get a better feel for how to proceed. I hope this works out for you.

[bathtub-row]

Thank u all.

I will give him space... I don t wanna be in the middle of his drama and it seems like he doesn t want me to be either. Which is a good thing.

I was wondering what should i do, how should i be etc... But i guess the answer is to mind my own business and see what happens.

I m glad he did this, although i guess it was not the best time(before holidays) so there is a chance to go back i guess... I m just thinking it took him so much to get to this point that i don t think ge will go back... But it is possible

 

Sorry, I'm just now reading your other comments. I think his actions and behavior seem very positive and it's great to know that he wasn't lying to you.

 

I say to just be his friend and confidant right now. That means to simply let him vent and listen without judgment. That will go a long way to keeping the two of you connected during this time.

[bathtub-row]

He s having second thoughts because he doesn t know how to handle the kid situation... She s threatening to move away with the kids if they divorce..

 

This is a legitimate fear that a lot of men have. You may want to suggest to him that he talk to a lawyer about her moving away. A lot of states allow parents to put a condition in place where neither spouse can move with the children, say, outside a particular county, etc. When my ex and I divorced, that's exactly what we did. Your MM needs to set his mind at ease about this by talking to a lawyer. His stupid wife is merely trying to control him with the kids, as she has no doubt always done. I detest women who do this. How twisted do you have to be that you can only keep your husband with you through threats? I really hope he doesn't go back to that situation.

[bathtub-row]

so what do i do if he moves back? what does this mean? they reconcile, work on the marriage? should i take a break if he moves back? tell him we can t talk anymore? i don t wanna leave him in this situation, but this moving out and back can happen again and again... he doesn t look like he s sure about making this move permanent. he s not doing ok, he is all over the place. i m trying not to be mean with him but 3 months ago he said he wants out and now i think he s not so sure anymore...

 

If I were in your shoes, I would end things with him if he went back. I wouldn't tell him that (unless he asks) because it will only put more negative pressure on him. But if he goes back and you stay with him, you're basically saying that you'll just tag along with him with whatever he does, that you're ok to have an affair from now until the end of time. I personally couldn't do that.

[goodyblue]

This is a legitimate fear that a lot of men have. You may want to suggest to him that he talk to a lawyer about her moving away. A lot of states allow parents to put a condition in place where neither spouse can move with the children, say, outside a particular county, etc. When my ex and I divorced, that's exactly what we did. Your MM needs to set his mind at ease about this by talking to a lawyer. His stupid wife is merely trying to control him with the kids, as she has no doubt always done. I detest women who do this. How twisted do you have to be that you can only keep your husband with you through threats? I really hope he doesn't go back to that situation.[/QUOTE]

 

Agreed. It is akin to threatening suicide if your spouse leaves. ?

[goodyblue]

If I were in your shoes, I would end things with him if he went back. I wouldn't tell him that (unless he asks) because it will only put more negative pressure on him. But if he goes back and you stay with him, you're basically saying that you'll just tag along with him with whatever he does, that you're ok to have an affair from now until the end of time. I personally couldn't do that.

 

I agree with this. My h knew what I could deal with and what I would not. He also knew if he took steps backward I would walk. I never specifically told him this he just knew that I watched for forward movement. Had he gone home, even for five minutes, it would have been over.

[Dela]

Thank u so much for ur support...

We ve been together the last months.. Sex and all... I see him a little more involved....

I m almost sure he will go back home since he left while angry and he s all over the place. I don t wanna put pressure on him, i never did, but this going back and fourth can happen again and again...

He said he doesn t want to end things with me, no way, that this maybe is a phase in the process and that he still wants to get a D...

He was ****ed because "i find it weird that i have second thoughts"...

His wife says they can work things out, it s not such a big deal what she did(lol)...

I agree he did the same, but he s just bothered about her lying and not admitting to what happened. He said that if she were to catch him and confron him he would have admitted to her. The reason he doesn t want to tell her is that she ll make things harder regarding his relationship with the kids(adultery)... And probably we wouldn t have a relationship and everyone will hate me if they knew we were together while he was married..

 

The thing is i don t wanna abandon him right now, but i also want to make it clear i m not going to be in this situation forever...

He said he feels it s worth it to fight for us and he doesn t want to lose me...

Well, why the hell would he?

Giving deadlines is not ok in this situation, u can t force someone to make a decision if they r not ready. I wouldn t want him to make a decision under pressure and regret it in the future...

If he wants to work things out with his wife i will understand... Whatever makes him happy... I just want to know...

[Dela]

I think he s afraid of the consequences, drama, pain and all that follows a decision like this.. That s why sometimes i get the impression that he would avoid all that by not doing anything...

[bathtub-row]

I agree that deadlines and pressure are not going to work. It will only create a more negative atmosphere. But you do need to have your own goals and deadlines that don't need to be conveyed to him. If he has any sense, he's smart enough to know that you're not going to stay in limbo forever. If he's not smart enough to know that, your actions will get the point across. Just sit back and watch, be his friend and don't put pressure on him. Wait and see what happens. But you're going to have to make your own decisions based on what he does. You can't be led around on a leash based on his decisions. In the meantime, enjoy your time with him. That's about all you can do.

[Lady2163]

My concern when I read your post is that you can fall into a rut, a pattern. MM has become used to treating you as a side dish. I think both men and women, when they put someone in a certain role, never make the adjustment to putting that person in another role. When I was single and dating a single man, we started our relationship with him still wounded from his divorce five years earlier. He didn't treat me right, was absent on all special days (often without an excuse or reason), had more issues than I could begin to list here. He kept me at arms length and was resistant to all dating milestones. And for too long I let myself be treated like crap. Eventually, I started standing up for myself and demanding some respect. That's when I got the "I don't love you and think I deserve to find someone who loves me." We dated for three years, he declined my requests to move in together. Four weeks after breaking up with me, he moved his new girlfriend into his house. Five months after breaking up with me, he married her.

 

Now, the chances are he was cheating on me. On one level that is more comforting than the whole fast track process after he ditched me.

 

But, the bottom line is, he never looked at me as a priority. I was merely a temporary option. Meanwhile, he was my whole life.

 

And that is what I think could happen to you. You may be the woman who gets him through his divorce. You are the soft landing, with probably compatible sex involved. You may be there for him emotionally, physically, sexually, financially. You may be the woman who helps him get his apartment set up, helps get his finances on track, does behind-the-scenes work so he can work overtime or spend time with his kids (I did that one time with a boyfriend, many years ago. He was just "too busy" and I did his laundry, grocery shopping and errand running so he could spend more time with his kids. Often he would "forget" to pay me for groceries). You may be the one who updates his wardrobe and gets him back on track. You are the fixer, the mommy, the support. But, you are probably not the woman he marries or the first girlfriend he introduces to his friends and family after the divorce is final.

[S2B]

My concern is that you are waiting on him/ his decision and

 

He is waiting on her...

 

So you end up being removed by two steps of people making decisions who:

 

Aren't really making decisions.

 

 

Know where YOUR boundary is. It shouldn't depend on anyone else. It is for you.

 

 

And also...no decision/no new action is really a decision.

[whichwayisup]

Does she know he is having an affair? I don't recall seeing the answer to this. Because if she doesn't know, he has no real right to be pissed at her for lying about her affair or denying it when he's not come clean to her about you!

[whichwayisup]

This is a legitimate fear that a lot of men have. You may want to suggest to him that he talk to a lawyer about her moving away. A lot of states allow parents to put a condition in place where neither spouse can move with the children, say, outside a particular county, etc. When my ex and I divorced, that's exactly what we did. Your MM needs to set his mind at ease about this by talking to a lawyer. His stupid wife is merely trying to control him with the kids, as she has no doubt always done. I detest women who do this. How twisted do you have to be that you can only keep your husband with you through threats? I really hope he doesn't go back to that situation.

 

She only knows what he's told her, we don't know 100% if his wife actually has threatened to move and take the kids away. That also isn't adding up with the fact that she wants her marriage to work and he's wavering.

[anika99]

I think it's a very encouraging sign that he has moved out. Based on what you seem to be saying, I'm assuming that you haven't been seeing him lately and not having sex. If you start seeing him again, just proceed with caution. If he does what he says he's going to do, then he'll be under a lot of stress. He really is going to need space to get his head together. It rarely works out to dive into one relationship from another. You would be smart to stand back a little, be his friend but don't get sexually involved. He will tell you otherwise that's what he wants but it's the smart thing to do, and you're going to have to be the one to put controls on the situation.

 

Sometimes guys do go back to the marriage after six months or so. I'd say be cautiously optimistic, but build your connection with him during this time. If you start having sex with him, it will further confuse him, and will create dishonesty from him. As the months go by, you'll get a better feel for how to proceed. I hope this works out for you.

 

He didn't move out. He stormed out the door in a huff and he just hasn't gone back yet. Dela never stopped seeing him and she's allowing him way too much cake eating. She might get him if his wife decides to end the marriage but he's been pretty content to be married and just have the affair on the side. However I agree that an ongoing sexual affair will only encourage dishonesty from him. I wouldn't want to get romantically involved with any man who has just left his wife, affair or not, as it's too much drama and very risky.

[S2B]

Does she know he is having an affair? I don't recall seeing the answer to this. Because if she doesn't know, he has no real right to be pissed at her for lying about her affair or denying it when he's not come clean to her about you!

 

I thought the OP stated the wife doesn't know he's been having an affair.

 

He's still a big fat liar... I wouldn't trust this guy for a minute. He's still waiting for his cheating wife to get back together.

[whichwayisup]

The wife doesn't know of the affair. The MM lies his face off to her while being all indignant that she deceived him, lol. He sounds like such a catch. He's a cheater and a hypocrite and he has no problem keeping two women in pain and confusion while he wiles away his days, lazily trying to decide which woman is worthy enough of him. It's so romantic.

Then this guy is a real piece of work. He is having an affair and is pissed that his wife had one too and lied/denied about hers all the meanwhile she's clueless about what he's been up to. He's no prize.

[WestEndGirl]

Then this guy is a real piece of work. He is having an affair and is pissed that his wife had one too and lied/denied about hers all the meanwhile she's clueless about what he's been up to. He's no prize.

 

That is particularly vexing. Seems like the two of them actually enjoy (in a sadomachistic way, of course) playing "catch me if you can" games with each other. From someone who's been there, I can tell you that this will not end well for them. Eventually, you get tired of the games and want to enjoy what's left of your life.

[Dela]

I know that he seems like a horrible person, but 2 months ago when he decided to end his marriage, he told me that we can NOT have this kind of relationship until he s out of his marriage for good. He said that he can see it s hard for me and he doesn t want us to get bad because of this transition period...

I was the one who said i want to be by his side...

[WestEndGirl]

When I was single and dating a single man, we started our relationship with him still wounded from his divorce five years earlier ... Now, the chances are he was cheating on me. On one level that is more comforting than the whole fast track process after he ditched me.

 

I was with a similar guy, only there was no indication that anything was wrong until he ditched me quite suddenly. It was devastating. Usually, you know something's wrong in a M or R; I was clueless. Chances are this guy was cheating too, and hiding it quite well. He too told me later that he never loved me and had wanted out for a long time--after he talked about our future together, right up till a couple of days before.

 

What disturbed me was how good of an actor he had been. I'm not easily fooled. If I'm unhappy, it shows. That there are other people out there like this, people with sociopathic tendencies, is totally frightening.