S2B Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 He's mad because she had an affair. Or he's not really mad... But HE has been having an affair and hasn't been honest. He's happy she hasn't found out. He is still a liar and a cheater. What is attractive about those qualities in any man? He is not special. Look at the evidence. He lies He cheats He's just relieved he hasn't been outed yet! That is a man who will lie and cheat on you too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Wouldn t that be unfair and ****ed up to use her affair when he did the same thing??? That s not. Healthy way to end a marriage. Although she doesn t know about me, he knows what he s done. How does his using her affair as a reason seem like a good idea to u? Should she live forever thinking that because of her the marriage ended? That doesn t seem fair to me... Problems were there before he met me and before she met her OM. So if u think logically, they were both screwed before having affairs. None of them wanted to work on the marriage so they chose something else. But i don t agree with him using her affair as a way out. It s not fair. They should split because they r not ok together and were not ok before the affairs, using her affair would make him a horrible person. I specifically asked if he wants to D because her affair and he said no, because they were disfunctional anyway and she kept lying to his face for 3 months about what really happened with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 His wife won't agree to a divorce. She doesn't want to be single with two kids. Remember not so long ago she wanted another kid? What stops him filing for D and citing her infidelity? Why does she have to agree to it. He doesn't need her agreement. This relationship doesn't sound like fun for you at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Yeah, I don't understand this incessant need for her to agree to the divorce. Please don't say because of the kids, we all know that is bull excrements. I suspect you are getting a collection of eye rolls whenever you say "he said she won't let him see the kids...." He found out she cheated, divorce her and be done with it. What more is there to drag out? After all, their relationship is dead in the water, even before you were involved, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 He will start IC to handle this situation in his own way. I suspect it sucks for him to acuse her and use her affair as a d reason when he knows that he did the same thing... So he should be able to put things as he wants, get out of this marriage how he feels or thinks it s the best way to do it. It s not my life, marriage, business how he wants to end his marriage. Until then i mind my own business and just see wjat happens. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I meant that he should use this opportunity when her affair came out to say to her "Look we have problems in our marriage that are beyond our ability to work out. We lie to each other and are unwilling (or unable to) work on our marriage. Let us not blame each other as we both have messed up. Let's get a divorce and work together to parent our children." That would be the mature thing. If you think logically, you would see that this man is not one you want to end up with. Do you want to be with a hypocrite (blaming her for lying while he is lying to her too)? Do you want to end up with a man in the future that has shown he is "not willing to work at his marriage"? Will he do the same to you when times get tough? I have no clue. Am just putting some things o think about out there. Wouldn t that be unfair and ****ed up to use her affair when he did the same thing??? That s not. Healthy way to end a marriage. Although she doesn t know about me, he knows what he s done. How does his using her affair as a reason seem like a good idea to u? Should she live forever thinking that because of her the marriage ended? That doesn t seem fair to me... Problems were there before he met me and before she met her OM. So if u think logically, they were both screwed before having affairs. None of them wanted to work on the marriage so they chose something else. But i don t agree with him using her affair as a way out. It s not fair. They should split because they r not ok together and were not ok before the affairs, using her affair would make him a horrible person. I specifically asked if he wants to D because her affair and he said no, because they were disfunctional anyway and she kept lying to his face for 3 months about what really happened with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 I meant that he should use this opportunity when her affair came out to say to her "Look we have problems in our marriage that are beyond our ability to work out. We lie to each other and are unwilling (or unable to) work on our marriage. Let us not blame each other as we both have messed up. Let's get a divorce and work together to parent our children." That would be the mature thing. If you think logically, you would see that this man is not one you want to end up with. Do you want to be with a hypocrite (blaming her for lying while he is lying to her too)? Do you want to end up with a man in the future that has shown he is "not willing to work at his marriage"? Will he do the same to you when times get tough? I have no clue. Am just putting some things o think about out there. I understand your point but i don t see why someone who s cheated will absolutelly do it again. U can generalize.. If u put it another way, he was single when they met and he ended up cheating. My ex bf was single when i met him and he cheated on me with escorts. Some are jerks some are not. We all have the ability to cheat and lie. Once or many times. I ve seen this on here a lot"if he cheated on her he ll cheat on u" and i don t agree. That he can do it? Sure!! We all can The thing is, when one cheats he can see how that works for him/her. If the person gets burned he won t do it again. As for how they should separate that s not my issue. They r both adults and can handle the problem how they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 He will start IC to handle this situation in his own way. I suspect it sucks for him to acuse her and use her affair as a d reason when he knows that he did the same thing... Until then i mind my own business and just see wjat happens. Not being funny here..but if you were really minding your own business...you wouldn't be having an affair with him. Are you hoping him having IC will mean he never cheats again ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) Not being funny here..but if you were really minding your own business...you wouldn't be having an affair with him. That is what I was thinking.... OP, you are pretty selective on what you decide to mind your own business on concerning their marriage. You have admitted that you very willfully intruded on their marriage (broken or not) but now that the sh*t is hitting the fan, you are suddenly prudent enough to mind your own business? Makes no sense. I am not siding with the BS here... I just think that you speak out of both sides of your mouth as much as your MM does. I don't think he manipulated you, I think you are folly to your own emotions.... And I don't think once a cheater always a cheater, but his blatant hypocrisy is concerning almost as much as your obvious co dependency. Edited December 7, 2015 by Ms. Faust 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I don't think that people who cheat once will do it again and again. Some will, some won't. It depends on the person, if they have remorse and want to change. By asking "will he do that to you?" I did not mean cheat on you. I meant will he be a hypocrite with you? Will he choose not to work on problems with you? It is a huge red flag waving in your face that he is mad at his wife for cheating and lying when he is doing he exact same to her. He sounds very dysfunctional. I understand your point but i don t see why someone who s cheated will absolutelly do it again. U can generalize.. If u put it another way, he was single when they met and he ended up cheating. My ex bf was single when i met him and he cheated on me with escorts. Some are jerks some are not. We all have the ability to cheat and lie. Once or many times. I ve seen this on here a lot"if he cheated on her he ll cheat on u" and i don t agree. That he can do it? Sure!! We all can The thing is, when one cheats he can see how that works for him/her. If the person gets burned he won t do it again. As for how they should separate that s not my issue. They r both adults and can handle the problem how they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 That is what I was thinking.... OP, you are pretty selective on what you decide to mind your own business on concerning their marriage. You have admitted that you very willfully intruded on their marriage (broken or not) but now that the sh*t is hitting the fan, you are suddenly prudent enough to mind your own business? Makes no sense. I am not siding with the BS here... I just think that you speak out of both sides of your mouth as much as your MM does. I don't think he manipulated you, I think you are folly to your own emotions.... And I don't think once a cheater always a cheater, but his blatant hypocrisy is concerning almost as much as your obvious co dependency. I m not chosing what to mind my own business or not. I m saying is his marriage and he should end it how he wants and feels is the right thing. It s too late now for "why did u "intrude" in his marriage... Do u think i had any intention for things to end up like this? No. I didn f have an "affair book" and i think it s my personal choice what i chose to do with my life(as start a relationship with a MM). I can see some judgement in here but fine... And also, i don t need psychological profile. I am a psychotherapist and i can see very clear how and what the issues are. There s no codependency since we were separated 2 times during this year and when he took the decision i didn t do anything to make him come back. There is more to the story than what i can put in here(english is mot my first language)... Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) How am I being judgemental? I am calling a spade a spade, that is all.... And of course there is more to the story but we can only go off the information you provide. You sound pretty darn codependent to me, but you're the expert; also once again I am only going off what you have written. Edited December 7, 2015 by Ms. Faust Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I m not chosing what to mind my own business or not. I m saying is his marriage and he should end it how he wants and feels is the right thing. It s too late now for "why did u "intrude" in his marriage... Do u think i had any intention for things to end up like this? No. I didn f have an "affair book" and i think it s my personal choice what i chose to do with my life(as start a relationship with a MM). I can see some judgement in here but fine... And also, i don t need psychological profile. I am a psychotherapist and i can see very clear how and what the issues are. There s no codependency since we were separated 2 times during this year and when he took the decision i didn t do anything to make him come back. There is more to the story than what i can put in here(english is mot my first language)... Ok, so what if you had a client present with your situation...what would you suggest to that client/patient to allow change to happen for themself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Wow, thanks for ur posts. I don t know where to begin 1.Not every once cheater is gonna do it again. 2.He admits his sucky marriage(things got hard) because of him tol(mostly, before i was even in the picture, since they were together the first time etc), so he s not blaming the wife 3.I m thinking that things will be wven harder if someone from his family or his wife found out about me now. I have no problem if they find out if we ll have a relationship, but right now it will just be a bigger drama than it is.. This marriage was like this before i met MM, i didn t break anything, i found everything already broken.. 4.He wants to get a divorce but he wants her to agree also. 5.he will go to IC 6.i get what u re all saying"he cheated too but he blames her or what she did and he doesn t come clean"... He just doesn t see any good coming out of this. I think some family members know about what happened, i didn t ask 7.He is not upset about the affair(apparently it was not physical), he is upset because he had all the info and she kept lying to him and hide what really happened. He talked to that guy or so and he also lied to him. I think he also talked to his wife but i m not sure if he told her about her h and his w I agree in that I also don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I think that some cheaters can truly feel remorse for their error and repent of their cheating ways. Those people will stop lying and gas lighting and start being honest with everyone including themselves. That is not your MM. Your MM is continuing to be hypocritical. He is holding his wife to standards that he does not hold himself too. You keep saying he is angry because she lied to him but he doesn't have a right to judge her for lying while he is lying himself. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater, but your MM is not a good bet in a partner. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, just wait until you are on the receiving end of his double standards and holding you accountable for things that he doesn't hold himself accountable for. It will be misery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I agree in that I also don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I think that some cheaters can truly feel remorse for their error and repent of their cheating ways. I think that in some cases, especially when there's been an exit A where there's little emotional involvement, you look back and at yourself and see yourself at an all-time low and you know that you never want to get to that place again. As in never-ever-ever. When something makes you feel icky inside, and it's only making things worse (drawing out the inevitable), it's pretty horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Dela, It is hard to understand that you don't wish to be involved the the ending of the marriage when you have been involved in their marriage by having an affair with him. Just pick one side and stick to it...you are contradicting yourself with those statements... Either that or your not being honest with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Ok, so what if you had a client present with your situation...what would you suggest to that client/patient to allow change to happen for themself? S2B - What a brilliant question. I think what Dela is saying... is that despite her relationship with a MM.... she wants him to make the decision to end his marriage without any overt influence from her. By the way Dela.. your English is great.. I would never have known that it wasn't your first language. You've expressed your thoughts very clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 S2B - What a brilliant question. I think what Dela is saying... is that despite her relationship with a MM.... she wants him to make the decision to end his marriage without any overt influence from her. By the way Dela.. your English is great.. I would never have known that it wasn't your first language. You've expressed your thoughts very clearly. Thanks Sandy. That s exactly what i m saying. I don t want him to end his marriage FOR ME!!! I told him to do what he thinks it s best for him and for how he wants his life to be. I never manipulated him into anything. I told him if he s happy the way his life is then he should live his life as he wants. He says he s taking our relationship into consideration when he s making his decision.. I don t know how much i loke that but ok... He is back home... He s not sharing the bed with the wife, we talk everynight until 2-3 am.. He is torn and ****ed up and i have no idea what to do anymore.. He left for a week and the reality hit him and he went back. He is hoping to end his marriage on good terms. He wants to go IC or MC to handle the divorce... I think he is back in the confusion and "i don t know" place again.. The thing is he seems more involved in our relationship now. I m tired of this back and forth... I don t wanna give up on this but i have no idea if my presence or my absence will put things in place.. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 . His BW will be completely upset at this dieThanks Sandy. That s exactly what i m saying. I don t want him to end his marriage FOR ME!!! I told him to do what he thinks it s best for him and for how he wants his life to be. I never manipulated him into anything. I told him if he s happy the way his life is then he should live his life as he wants. He says he s taking our relationship into consideration when he s making his decision.. I don t know how much i loke that but ok... He is back home... He s not sharing the bed with the wife, we talk everynight until 2-3 am.. He is torn and ****ed up and i have no idea what to do anymore.. He left for a week and the reality hit him and he went back. He is hoping to end his marriage on good terms. He wants to go IC or MC to handle the divorce... I think he is back in the confusion and "i don t know" place again.. The thing is he seems more involved in our relationship now. I m tired of this back and forth... I don t wanna give up on this but i have no idea if my presence or my absence will put things in place.. Hello Darling I am sad to hear all of this. It seems like you need to move on now and if he sorts himself out at some point and gets a divorce he can look you up sometime (which I believe will be when you are happily married to someone else and have no use for him) if you are talking to him until 3am he cant end it on good terms. His wife will quite rightly be upset with his completely disrespectful behaviour. Please for your sake if not theirs, leave this one be, at least for now. NL x 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 . His BW will be completely upset at this die Hello Darling I am sad to hear all of this. It seems like you need to move on now and if he sorts himself out at some point and gets a divorce he can look you up sometime (which I believe will be when you are happily married to someone else and have no use for him) if you are talking to him until 3am he cant end it on good terms. His wife will quite rightly be upset with his completely disrespectful behaviour. Please for your sake if not theirs, leave this one be, at least for now. NL x Thanks NL I have this stupid way of thinking that i m abandoning him if i back off.. I mean, we got so far to this point and i feel that i would give up on everything.. I know i shouldn t think this way maybe, but it s how i feel... I also feel that if i end it he will take the easy way and stay there... Because he says he wants out but he s stuck in the "how about the kids, kids will suffer, what i m going to do" place!! My head is a mess and i can t find any good way.. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Thanks NL I have this stupid way of thinking that i m abandoning him if i back off.. I mean, we got so far to this point and i feel that i would give up on everything.. I know i shouldn t think this way maybe, but it s how i feel... I also feel that if i end it he will take the easy way and stay there... Because he says he wants out but he s stuck in the "how about the kids, kids will suffer, what i m going to do" place!! My head is a mess and i can t find any good way.. Dela darling girl You say in a previous post you "Don't want him to end it because of ME." You think if you end it he will stay there as above. What that means is that you would be the reason he ends it. No matter if in your eyes babe if it is the easy way or the hard way. The fact of the matter is that he thinking of divorce because of you. You know I care for you and would never want to hurt you but I need you to see this darling. He has THOUGHT of divorce. He has discussed divorce and shared his dreams of divorce with you. I dream of lots of things like I dream of being 30 again or retraining to be an equine vet. Me dreaming about those things takes me out of my life into fantasy but it doesn't make it real. Here is a big hug. You know what you must do. NL x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Dela, I know you don't want to hear this but if he has moved back, then the smartest thing you can do right now is to end this relationship. I'm sure the thought of that makes you feel sick but he has shown you that he is nowhere close to leaving. And even if he does leave eventually, you being in the mix is only adding to the confusion for him and the situation. Not only that, but you being his crutch is only prolonging him staying in his marriage. And if he never leaves, then you're just wasting your life on this man. Here's my theory, in case you're interested -- he is clinging tighter to you because he knows that no one in their right mind would tolerate this situation. He knows that by going back, he has made a decision and he's pretty certain you're going to end things with him. And why does he think that? Because that's what he would do, and that's what you should do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Thanks NL I have this stupid way of thinking that i m abandoning him if i back off.. I mean, we got so far to this point and i feel that i would give up on everything.. I know i shouldn t think this way maybe, but it s how i feel... I also feel that if i end it he will take the easy way and stay there... Because he says he wants out but he s stuck in the "how about the kids, kids will suffer, what i m going to do" place!! My head is a mess and i can t find any good way.. You are not responsible for this man's well being, especially when he is not caring for yours It seems this MM knows how to reel both you and his wife back in when he needs to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 And, btw, Dela, this may seem strange to you but the last time I went out to dinner with my xMM, he of course wanted me to sleep with him that night. I didn't. I told him that I meant it that I was done with the affair. The next day, I could see the relief on his face that I would no longer play the game and would no longer be a part of the deceit to his wife. He told me, "You know, you did the right thing last night." Was it easy? No. But I felt a lot better about myself and I felt a lot better about no longer wasting my time on a losing game. Three years later, my feelings about that haven't changed. Sometimes, men want us to make the hard decisions for them. And, when we do, they're grateful because that decision removes a weight from their shoulders. I know you don't think of yourself as a form of burden to your MM but you are. His relationship with you creates confusion, deceit, and pain. No matter how much you mean to him, the situation makes your relationship wrong. It took me a loooooong time to see that in my situation but I see it now. Affairs are truly hurtful to everyone concerned. Just know that if you don't protect yourself from this pain, no one else will. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 It's just impossible to put your trust in a man who is still involved or was involved with another woman at the same time as you. And without trust, love is nothing. Too bad he has betrayed your once given trust. Just tell him to ring you once his divorce is finalized and let that be that. You owe him nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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