- Mixed Signals from a Girl

[Csmith224422]

So I was dating this girl who I met a month ago. We seemed to really hit it off and she told me that she liked me and even told me that she told her best friend why she liked me so much.

 

After a week of dating, she was over my place for a whole day and we were about to have sex, but she asked that we take it slow and mentioned that she just got out of a relationship so I backed off. We make plans to hang out again and the next day I text her and she responds and says “Hey I don’t want to waste your time and I don’t see this going anywhere.” I told her how I was confused since I thought we really liked each other and things were going well. She said that it wasn’t anything that I did, just that she’s messed up in the head and will be messed for a long time. She explains that she’s still hurting from what happened with her ex and that her ex cheated on her and she works with him and has to see him every day. She says she doesn’t want anything to do with him, but he keeps trying to talk to her and she’s dwelling on what happened and is basically depressed. We decide to just be friends.

 

We go out a few more times, but it always kind of leads to more than friends. After a few drinks, we hold hands and kiss and make out and we tell each other that we’re happy to have met one another. I even told her that I liked her.

 

So I go on vacation for a week and come back. I ask her to hang out and she says: “listen, I was being honest when I said that I’m not feeling it romantically, and I feel that you are trying to take it to that level, so I have to put the brakes on hanging out”

 

I tell her how I’m confused cause I thought she liked me. I asked her if we could talk and how I’d be really sad if she wasn’t even my friend or in my life. She doesn’t respond and I try calling the next day and found out she blocked my number.

 

Later, I sent her a letter, just saying how I’m sorry for not respecting the boundaries and how I’d be really upset if we were not at least friends and how I wanted to be there for her. No response

 

To complicate all of this . . . I’m leaving the country in February to work abroad for an extended period of time. I’ll be back and forth from home, but my time home will be limited. I know that it would be difficult to make anything from this and I don’t plan on reaching out to her. But I just feel so confused. Yes I crossed the friendship boundary, but so did she! (it takes 2 to make out!). Does she just not like me? Or is she still hurting and confused because of her past relationship? I’d like to at least talk to her before I leave.

[Redhead14]

So I was dating this girl who I met a month ago. We seemed to really hit it off and she told me that she liked me and even told me that she told her best friend why she liked me so much.

 

After a week of dating, she was over my place for a whole day and we were about to have sex, but she asked that we take it slow and mentioned that she just got out of a relationship so I backed off. We make plans to hang out again and the next day I text her and she responds and says “Hey I don’t want to waste your time and I don’t see this going anywhere.” I told her how I was confused since I thought we really liked each other and things were going well. She said that it wasn’t anything that I did, just that she’s messed up in the head and will be messed for a long time. She explains that she’s still hurting from what happened with her ex and that her ex cheated on her and she works with him and has to see him every day. She says she doesn’t want anything to do with him, but he keeps trying to talk to her and she’s dwelling on what happened and is basically depressed. We decide to just be friends.

 

We go out a few more times, but it always kind of leads to more than friends. After a few drinks, we hold hands and kiss and make out and we tell each other that we’re happy to have met one another. I even told her that I liked her.

 

So I go on vacation for a week and come back. I ask her to hang out and she says: “listen, I was being honest when I said that I’m not feeling it romantically, and I feel that you are trying to take it to that level, so I have to put the brakes on hanging out”

 

I tell her how I’m confused cause I thought she liked me. I asked her if we could talk and how I’d be really sad if she wasn’t even my friend or in my life. She doesn’t respond and I try calling the next day and found out she blocked my number.

 

Later, I sent her a letter, just saying how I’m sorry for not respecting the boundaries and how I’d be really upset if we were not at least friends and how I wanted to be there for her. No response

 

To complicate all of this . . . I’m leaving the country in February to work abroad for an extended period of time. I’ll be back and forth from home, but my time home will be limited. I know that it would be difficult to make anything from this and I don’t plan on reaching out to her. But I just feel so confused. Yes I crossed the friendship boundary, but so did she! (it takes 2 to make out!). Does she just not like me? Or is she still hurting and confused because of her past relationship? I’d like to at least talk to her before I leave.

 

it takes 2 to make out! -- So this obligates her to continue to see you??? Go on your trip, focus on being there and move on.

 

Does she just not like me? Or is she still hurting and confused because of her past relationship?

"She said that it wasn’t anything that I did"

 

"She explains that she’s still hurting from what happened with her ex"

 

She personally answered your questions. Why do you need us to try to get into her head . . . ?

 

I’d like to at least talk to her before I leave -- SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

 

"She doesn’t respond and I try calling the next day and found out she blocked my number."

[smackie9]

She was rebounding off you.....stay away from those who are fresh, and still hurting from a relationship.

 

She doesn't want a relationship and wants to date others, or she's hoping to get back with her ex, and she knows you want different so she cut you off. look for a girl that is emotionally available.

[Csmith224422]

Not continue to see me. Nothing obligates someone to continue to see someone else. I just think she's giving me mixed signals here and its not me making all the romantic removes, she's reciprocating and goes from hot to cold.

 

I'd really just like her to be in my life in some capacity. I really cared about her as a person.

 

No need to be mean to me in your response...I'm already down, don't need to kick me again.

[Csmith224422]

She was rebounding off you.....stay away from those who are fresh, and still hurting from a relationship.

 

She doesn't want a relationship and wants to date others, or she's hoping to get back with her ex, and she knows you want different so she cut you off. look for a girl that is emotionally available.

 

I was willing to just date her with no pressure. I told her that.

[smackie9]

I was willing to just date her with no pressure. I told her that.

your actions spoke enough to her, there is no going back. She knows how you feel and she knows the more time you spend with her your feelings will just grow. She's doing you a favor....you will only get hurt when she does find someone she actually wants to be with.

[Csmith224422]

But she told me that she liked me a lot and that she was happy to have met me. Maybe she just needs space and its just that she doesnt want to be with anyone right now...nothing to do with specially being with me.

[Redhead14]

But she told me that she liked me a lot and that she was happy to have met me. Maybe she just needs space and its just that she doesnt want to be with anyone right now...nothing to do with specially being with me.

 

But she told me that she liked me a lot and that she was happy to have met me -- That may very well be true, but it doesn't mean she wants to date you or is ready to date.

 

I've liked lots of people and was happy to have met them, but that didn't mean I was going to date them or keep in touch or ever think of or see them again.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, it is what it is . . .

[kismetkismet]

Her signals are hardly mixed.. She's told you flat out that she isn't interested in you romantically multiple times, has told you she doesn't want to see you and has gone as far as BLOCKING you. This girl doesn't want you in her life.. She's all messed up from her breakup, and sometimes that makes you really crave intimacy even though you can't invest in the person you're being intimate with emotionally. She has been kind enough to you to end things and not lead you on while she is clearly still dealing with her ex. There is a very high chance that they are still not fully *done* particularly since they work together.

 

As for you pushing to be friends.. when you say things like

I’d be really sad if she wasn’t even my friend or in my life.

it implies that you had a substantial friendship or relationship. You've only known the girl a month.. you just need to let her go.

[Csmith224422]

And i told her that i wasn't looking for anything serious. She tells me that she likes me and holds hands with me and makes out with me. So i don't get it!

[kismetkismet]

Ok, when I have gone through breakups I have accidentally fallen into quick rebound situations like this. Like I said, being in a breakup leaves you with this intimacy vacuum because you’re basically going through affection/intimacy withdrawl. So anyway I’ve ended up hanging out with guys during that period and ended up acting out those kinds of intimate interactions, holding hands and making out etc. but then id feel very weird about it because my emotions are still invested in someone else, not the person that I’m acting out those emotions with. Like your girlfriend I would realize this quickly and be honest with the guy that I’m not ready so as not to lead him on any more.

 

She’s not ready to be doing those things. Her heart is somewhere else and probably having these affectionate interactions with her is making her feel uncomfortable. It’s been made clear that the two of you aren’t capable of a platonic friendship (not anyone’s fault) and she needs some time to process and heal her emotional wounds rather than just slapping on a band aid.

 

Respect her decision, she’s trying to look after herself and be considerate of you and and your feelings as well.

[xcupid]

You're wasting your time trying to figure this out or see if anything comes of it. There never was anything there in the first place. Time to let it go and move on.

[Csmith224422]

Ok, when I have gone through breakups I have accidentally fallen into quick rebound situations like this. Like I said, being in a breakup leaves you with this intimacy vacuum because you’re basically going through affection/intimacy withdrawl. So anyway I’ve ended up hanging out with guys during that period and ended up acting out those kinds of intimate interactions, holding hands and making out etc. but then id feel very weird about it because my emotions are still invested in someone else, not the person that I’m acting out those emotions with. Like your girlfriend I would realize this quickly and be honest with the guy that I’m not ready so as not to lead him on any more.

 

She’s not ready to be doing those things. Her heart is somewhere else and probably having these affectionate interactions with her is making her feel uncomfortable. It’s been made clear that the two of you aren’t capable of a platonic friendship (not anyone’s fault) and she needs some time to process and heal her emotional wounds rather than just slapping on a band aid.

 

Respect her decision, she’s trying to look after herself and be considerate of you and and your feelings as well.

 

That makes sense to me. Could I ever try to reach out to her again? I mean many months from now?

[Empyrea]

A lesson I've learnt (the hard way) about receiving mixed signals, is to go by the most recent ones. People change their minds, feelings change, situations change, etc. It doesn't matter if she seemed interested at first, she was later very clear both verbally and in actions by not responding and blocking your number. Maybe you'll cross paths again some day, but I really would try to let it go. People rarely go back to the rebounds once they've healed, because whatever feelings they might have had for that person were always a bit mixed or associated with their ex and with heartbreak. Once they've healed, they'll want nothing to do with that. Time to move on.