FWB is upset that I'm in a new relationship

[ByMyself01]

My FWB from work is creeping me out because I cut off the benefits with him because I have been dating a great guy and see no need to deal with the FWB on a sexual level anymore.

 

It's annoying that he is upset about it, we both clearly stated that we are not eachother's type. However, the FWB has been growing more fond of me overtime like calling me adorable or what not and talking out loud to try and spill the beans to co-workers that we have something going on outside of work.

 

In a way, he disgusts me. I never found him attractive at all, I just had sex with him after the break-up with my ex out of boredom and the fact I was used to having a lot of sex and I was trying to adjust to the new single life.

 

Also, one time my new boyfriend came to my job to talk to me before our store closed and the FWB was hounding me and him down with his eyes and he was trying to eavesdrop on our convo to the point that my BF noticed and asked me who he was.

 

What should I do? Because now the FWB is upset and I just want to end things permanently and on a good note to not make him feel like less of a person. But I do not plan on having sex with him again because of the fact he started to creep me out. One time, he even called me his "pet girlfirend." Every since then, I knew I would never have sex with him again and the last few weeks he has been trying but I always made up excuses up until the point I told him I want the sex to come to an end, meaning he shouldn't ask me anymore nor expect it.

 

Also, should I tell my new BF the truth about what he was to me or should I keep my mouth shut?

 

HELP!

[SoleMate]

That's a tough one. FWB are always risky, and having it be someone from work is even worse. Now this ex-FWB is showing signs of turning it ugly. You have 2 major issues:

 

1) Fixing things at work, and

 

2) Smoothing things over with new BF

 

I consider #1 by far the more important, unless you can easily do without your paycheck from that job. Let's start there. If your employer has an HR department that seems somewhat competent (this is a BIG if), you can let them know you had a temporary thing with ex-FWB and would now like to end it, and are afraid of harassment and retaliation from him. They will doubtless tell you to go tell him yourself, which you then will, in a private place at work, using a short and simple prepared statement that saves his face (i.e. don't express any disgust or hostility) while making it absolutely clear that:

* Things are completely and permanently over

* You expect him to keep it completely professional in and out of the office

Do not discuss feelings, analyze the affair, talk about his personality, or do any other personal conversation during this conversation. Just deliver the factual message. If he pushes back, let him know that you are working with advice from HR. Then go and document the conversation in a completely private format (inaccessible to anyone from work).

 

Actually, if your HR is incompetent or non-existent, then do the above, except leave out the HR part. You still have to be clear and explicit. It can be tempting to soften the whole conversation with ambiguity, and he will likely whine and wheedle for some kind of angle. DON'T GIVE IN, or you will be on an endless, exhausting journey. After that, least said is soonest mended. If you see any signs of retaliation or mistreatment, again document, and if HR has been helpful, share those incidents with them (judiciously). (He's allowed to sulk or mope quietly, but nothing more and nothing that affects your ability to get your job done.)

 

Once you do the above, you're in a much better position to decide how to address this situation with your new bf.

 

And next time, if you must do "FWB", then:

 

1) Don't do it with a coworker, and

2) Do it with someone who is actually a friend, who can be reasonably trusted not to go off on you and retaliate when the B's end

 

Good luck!

Edited December 5, 2015 by SoleMate

[Amelie1980]

You should have ended the benefits when you sensed he was getting feelings and ended it then.

[mrs rubble]

Good luck.

Why would you pick a workmate as a FWB? Dumb idea, don't do it again.

It disgusts me that you used someone who disgusts you.

Now you're complaining because he's complaining about it!!

I think you deserve to get a hard time from him.

As for telling your BF the truth- he's already asked and you've already lied to him by ommision you might as well carry on the lie and muck with his head too.

[Amelie1980]

Good luck.

Why would you pick a workmate as a FWB? Dumb idea, don't do it again.

It disgusts me that you used someone who disgusts you.

Now you're complaining because he's complaining about it!!

I think you deserve to get a hard time from him.

As for telling your BF the truth- he's already asked and you've already lied to him by ommision you might as well carry on the lie and muck with his head too.

 

This.

 

The guy started saying he adored you and it became clear he liked you and yet you didnt do the humane thing and tell him and stop. No. You kept seeing him, though he disgusted you, to use him to get your end away until you got a new man who you've now lied to.

 

I also think the hard time is well deserved.

[RubyWoo]

I think the only thing you can do here is talk to him very clearly, for his sake and your own seeing you are coworkers.

 

I don't like judging people, but sleeping with him when he disgusted you wasn't a smart move... specially if you felt he was developing feelings.

 

I have a thread about a similar situation but reversed (coworker crush of mine broke up his LTR and slept with me) and I would be devastated if I heard he slept with me just because he could.

 

With any luck, he will move on to some other job before you do... it is going to get weird no matter what.

[preraph]

Tell him he needs to get a grip because now you are in a real relationship and intend to stay that way. I'm assuming he's who wanted FWB to begin with, but even if not, that's the deal. It's an agreement not to get invested. If he tries to goof you up at work because of it, report him or change jobs.