D-Day 2 weeks ago...

[Fidelity01]

So I am a 31 year old male. I have a son from a prior relationship.

 

2 weeks ago, my wife of 3 months(together for 5 years) came to me and "confessed" to having an online affair. The OM was a male friend of hers that she had been sexually active with in the past(in fact she cheated on the two boyfriends before me with him too).

 

She says that they have been in contact via FB msgr and text messaging only. She says the online affair has went on "approximately 9 months" and that it started with them being flirty and grew into "pg13 style make out sessions". She insisted it was "only online", and "articles of clothing were never removed", no pictures were ever sent.

 

She took care to delete all the messages and try to cover her ass. The reason she confessed to the affair is that the OM is married too, and his spouse found messages between the 2 on halloween with my wife telling him about her "sexy costume" and some messages of them sexting. OBS also uncovered messages from my wife insulting her to her husband. Did i mention that OBS is 5 months pregnant and my wife knew? The OBS threatened to send me "everything" if my wife didnt stop contacting her husband. So my wife "came clean"...

 

But her story, as stated above, doesnt make sense. Only online. All pg-13. I am finding proof this isnt just a 9-10 month affair. That it may very well have been going on the entirety of our time together. Through dr fone ive uncovered messages where articles of clothing have been removed. I dont know "how far" it went but i know for a fact its farther than she has owned up to.

 

Part of me wants to R. I love her and thought she loved me. This has taken me completely by surprise and im sickened. But before we can R i need her to own up, and all im getting is:

 

How long waz the affair? 9-10 months.

I have proof it was longer. How long was the affair? Dont remember.

 

How far did it go? All online. Never physical. All above the waist. And she stood by her no clothes being removed. When i told her i had a text with an article of clothing being removed (didnt tell her what article of clothing) she said... Ok maybe he took off my pants...

 

It was all pg13 and above the waist but i tell you i know clothes came off and pants is where you go? Obviously more you would like to tell me?... Nope "dont remember".

 

As I said in the beginning though-we have been married 3 months. She had this ongoing online affair for AT LEAST the year heading up to our wedding and after maybelonger. Is this even WORTH R? She showed a surprising lack of morals- not just xheating on me but with a married man with a kid on the way? She somehow was able to compartmentalize her affair through our wedding. She didnt just BREAK our vows... She took them with her fingers crossed and was able to reason out in her head why ot was ok. That sounds like Borderline sociopathic on her ability ro compartmentalize.

 

She knows its in her best interest to come clean and seems like she wants to try to work this out, but unwilling to own up to her mistakes or doesnt want to tell me the extent of her mistakes. I told her for us to work she NEEDS to come clean and she says shes "trying" but whenever the topic comes up she starts having panic attacks/anxiety attacks shallow breathing... She even vomited.

 

But i never get meaningful info from her outside the version of the story where things were pg13 and clothed. Every peice of info i have has been discovered through dr fone or the OBS/OM side of the story.

 

I want to be able to get past this... And the only thing i can think of is the two of them. I have been up since 3am my time unable to sleep. I find myself looped in circles getting no resolution.

 

Im not a drinker, though tempted, so that isnt a concern. I just... Dont know what to do. I feel broken and that i cant talk to anyone about this. Because if I do want to R.i dont want her to be painted with the "cheater" brush. All im left to do is let thos replay in my head. Im trying to keep my hands busy. Looking into divorce attorney for options, journaling, but at the end of the day im left with the knowledge that my wife wanted side action and it hurts and sickens me.

 

I havent worn my wedding ring since finding out. I have been sleeping in my sons room when he isnt on town. I am in pain, feel like i have no one to talk to, and have nothing but family function after family gathering. Someone will notice im not wearing my ring. If someone says something will i have the presence of mind to say "ita being fitted"? Will i break down?

 

I feel alone and like i cant see anyone without my face betraying my hurt. I am very depressed and do not know what to do. Luckily no thoughts of self harm, but lost all the same.

Help?

[SoulStorm]

What does your gut tell you? If your gut is telling you it went physical below the waist, 9 times out of 10 it did. I can promise you it did by evidence of her panic attack and vomiting when you bring it up. See, she sees what she did and to admit it to you makes her sick because she knows she will have to face consequences for it and that scares her.

 

She said she is "trying" to tell you the truth because she knows there is more to tell, she's just afraid to do it.

 

She will drag this out as long as you let her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since you seem to know the lingo, you're getting trickle-truthed.

 

Here's the inherent paradox in what every cheater tries to pull off post DDay - "even though I lied to you constantly, willfully, consistently and without regard for context or effect, I'm telling you the truth now".

 

Up to you whether you want to believe it or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Married three months, why not save yourself a lot of trouble and cost and just have your marriage annulled? Trust me, if they live within 500 miles of each other and they've been sexting for almost a year, it's more then likely they have been physical. She has a history of destroying at least 2 other relationships because of this POS, nothing would stop her from destroying a third. Get copies of their texts from the other betrayed spouse. Book a polygraph and make passing it a requirement of reconciliation. There are posters like Eric if he is around that are quite savey when it comes to recovering texts, perhaps he can chime in.

 

Friend, she has a very poor history when it comes to fidelity. She will need years of independent counselling to fix what is broken in her, assuming she is willing to do the work. You need to talk to a lawyer, protect your son. I think you will discover more and that this is just the start. You couldn't even make it 3 months, how do you expect to last the rest of your life with someone with her history? Her promises mean sh*t.

[Fidelity01]

Since you seem to know the lingo, you're getting trickle-truthed.

 

Here's the inherent paradox in what every cheater tries to pull off post DDay - "even though I lied to you constantly, willfully, consistently and without regard for context or effect, I'm telling you the truth now".

 

Up to you whether you want to believe it or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very much trickle truth going on. And i jave zero interest in playing the "what happened" game for the next however long. She needs to own up and a poly may be the only way for that to happen.

 

The OM Lived across the country the last 2 years of our relationship but was 2 hours away for the early part. She (of course) insists nothing REAL happened between the two and just online...

 

I have zero reason to trust her on this. I dont. As time goes on and I ndiscover more of what happened and not from her i just get angrier.

 

Its just like someone said... I have been treated with no regard and no respect by one person who is supposed to regard and respect you. She is horrible and every part of me wants to out her to the world. I havent yet and as it stood.. Thanksgiving was a day spent with me on the verge of tears as she "gave thanks for her lovely family... He husband her stepson."

 

I will consider outing her. The OBS knows and NC has been put in place. If we work it out and work through it though i dont want her hated by my family for what shes done.

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, put her on the couch with a blanket and pillow and reclaim your bed. Second get you own bank accounts before you find yourself broke.

 

If it was me I would set up a polygraph test ad spring it on her the same day. let her know that she either takes the test or to find another place to live the same day.

 

Get a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are. The last thing you want is to be anymore blind sided.

 

Above all, anything she says, take with a grain of salt. She's been lying to you since day one so don't expect her to suddenly have an epiphany.

[Marc878]

Quit making excuses.

 

Cut your losses divorce and avoid a lifetime of limbo hell.

 

Cheaters always cheat. She'll never stop and you'll end up being a shadow of a man. Her beat down doormat husband.

 

Do not waste your life on this

[whichwayisup]

2 weeks ago, my wife of 3 months(together for 5 years) came to me and "confessed" to having an online affair. The OM was a male friend of hers that she had been sexually active with in the past(in fact she cheated on the two boyfriends before me with him too).

Your wife previously has had affairs on others and she never changed her ways, she has no boundaries and this habit/behaviour is so wrong. You've been married 3 months and already (though I'm sure it was going on before you two said your vows) she's flirting and up to no good with her ex, cheating on you (emotionally anyway). Your wife is a broken woman who can't/won't commit to you and only you.

 

She won't change unless she suffers major consequences. Ask yourself if she's worth it - A woman who has previously shown she is capable of lies, hiding, cheating and betraying - Currently is doing this to you as well. She doesn't seem to be 'wife' material, or putting you and her step child first.

[Fidelity01]

The OBS did not have the full record of convo she threatened my WW with. She just came across improper messages. Dr fone didnt work for text recovery due to the version of Android...but the OBS Recovered some messages i have seen.

 

Just clips and dont make sense. But it proves the impropriety.

 

I have been speaking to the OBS to try to share info and discover exactly how carbdown the rabbit hole goes...

[anika99]

I agree that you should just get your marriage annulled. I know that it's going to hurt you a great deal because it means giving up all the plans and dreams of your future with her, but you will recover and you will have new dreams and new plans that don't include her and your life will be so much easier then the anxiety and pain you will always feel with her for a partner.

 

She is a serial cheater, she was cheating at the same time she was taking her vows to be faithful to you. She has a history of cheating on past BF's. All of these things make it unlikely that she can be faithful in the future. Considering how long she has been cheating with this guy I would say they have some kind off addiction to one another and they are very likely to start up again. It sounds like the OBS has more info than you do. Maybe you should consider contacting her to see what she knows, but I think you already know enough to know that your wife is probably not a good choice for a lifetime partner.

[Ramius]

Hell of a way to start a marriage. As others have said, get it annulled.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what she is doing? Does she have a secret email account, a burner phone, is she seeking attention from other men? Does cheating on me give her a thrill?

 

Those kinds of questions, everyday in your head. Think about that.

 

And you are doing her no favors by not telling your family. Shielding her from the consequences of her actions just encourages her to continue her behaviors. Some people do not have it in them to act appropriately. They lack self control. Perhaps some good old fashion Shame may be necessary.

 

I know it's hard to face because of the 5 year history. But remember...who you thought she was during those years is NOT who she really is.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

She came to you and confessed because her hand was forced. She didn't want to risk the guy's wife coming to you with hard evidence. So she is just telling you enough to diffuse this situation.

 

You know she isn't being entirely truthful. You just don't know where the truth ends and the deception begins.

 

You're in a bad spot. For starters, why not tell her to come clean on everything and see what she says? If she keeps obfuscating, that should tell you she's a poor life companion.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Trust me, if they live within 500 miles of each other and they've been sexting for almost a year, it's more then likely they have been physical. She has a history of destroying at least 2 other relationships because of this POS, nothing would stop her from destroying a third.

That's a very good point: this guy seems to have quite a hold on her. That shouldn't be your problem, under any circumstances.

 

Do you want a wife that's so smitten and under the strong influence of some other guy? I wouldn't.

[Bufo]

Tip for you if you decide to see a lawyer. Let him/her know you may want an annulment. They don't happen all that often so most won't have first hand experience with the requirements/prerequisites for annulment versus divorce. And you should ask what's the difference in the end.

 

What's troubling about your particular situation is that she's not the typical WW seeking adulation from any man, but rather like the moth to the flame has attraction for one OM. If you stay you'll be fighting a battle up,a hill twice as steep as most can bear.

 

She's also giving you the Sgt Schultz treatment. Can't remember? Unless she was drugged or,drunk,out offer mind, she remembers everything. She just refuses to be honest with you.

 

She's a proven cheater and liar. Why stay?

 

The only winner if you stay will be the lawyers who in years to come could,be arguing about alimony, child,support, child custody, visitation, insurance and allocation of debts and assets. On your dime. Far easier to resolve financial issues in a short term marriage. Annulment unbraced the marital egg,,so to,speak.

[Fidelity01]

 

You know she isn't being entirely truthful. You just don't know where the truth ends and the deception begins.

 

You're in a bad spot. For starters, why not tell her to come clean on everything and see what she says? If she keeps obfuscating, that should tell you she's a poor life companion.

 

I told her she needed to own up and come clean with EVERYTHING. She is only sharing what she knows i know. When i drop intel amd say i know it went further or that i know x or y happened she will admit to it but no further.

 

I want to thank everybody. I've been fighting over this for weeks amd your opinions and support help.

 

She wont come clean or own up. Screw her. I reached out to an attorney who (shockingly) answered. I asked about annulment proceedings. He said he was unaware offhand but i could schedule a consultation. He inquired why annulment versus divorce. I said because divorce means the marriage was still legal binding and recognized. An annulment means it never happened. And i want that because my wife did not enter our marriage in good faith. She was having an ongoing affair while we took our vows. SHE MADE ME INVITE HER BOYFRIEND TO OUR WEDDING. (he didnt come but regardless... SOCIOPATH)

 

I am setting up a consultation with the attorney. Today is .y moms retirement party so i have to put on a bullspit happy face for one night... But as it stands i havent been home in 12 hours. Shes called 5 times. I dont think i can stand her bs anymore.

[anika99]

Good for you! Now you just have to stick to your guns. It hurts to end any relationship but this is really for the best. Your wife will go to great lengths to try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for not giving her a chance but she does not have any remorse (people who are genuinely remorseful don`t have anything to hide) and this was not a 1 time screw up but a pattern of cheating that she has spent many years developing. She would likely need a few years of therapy to get to the root of her addiction to this creep and then to change her ways. The break up is going to hurt but then life will get better and you will be glad to leave this toxic (non)marriage in your past.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

You deserve better, bro. Good luck.

[Krashi]

I think you will find, if you can access historical information on a very high %of cheaters, that the lack of integrity and lack of empathy they display by cheating, squarely puts them into one of the Clustr B disorders, and that their pasts are full of other affairs and a lot of dishonesty in many other areas of their lives, besides just marital fidelity.

[lolablue17]

You feel lonely and lost because you sit and wait, not doing what you already know you must do.

 

I've read all your hread. She has definitely cheated on you physically. The only reason you know about it is because the OBS has caught them and was heading to tell you. It didn't came out because she felt remorse or guilt or regret. NO no no. Your wife just wanted to minimize damages.

 

So, after you know 100% for sure that her behavior is driven only by her selfish interest, i ask you - Why telling you the truth? The best way for her is to tell you only things she knows the OBS knows for sure. She and her lover has coordinated their carefully planned mutual story. I bet they are still secretly in contact now, to catch up

 

I don't need to know about her past to be 110% sure that it was physical, but when you mentioned the past cheating... Come on.... And when you see how she changes her versions after you make some pressure, or gets Amnesia every time you ask her hard question... Really? Do you thing is there 1 person in the world who would belive her? ONE? Of course not. She was and still lying all along.

 

It will hurt anyway. But it will hurt much less after you start doing what you've started to do - Cancel the wedding or divorce and clean your enviroment from people like her. You were stung by a scumbag. I would expose her everywhere. Not for her family, it's not important. But for her next victim.

Edited December 5, 2015 by lolablue17

[Fidelity01]

Go to the party but no need to put on a happy face. Don't pretend.

 

It may be a perfect environment to tell everyone that you're divorcing her.

 

My Mothers retirement party is not the place to make the "divorce" announcement. Or the cheating announcement. It is about her and her retirement. I refuse to overshadow that because my spouse is a cheating sociopath.

[Ramius]

Good for you!

 

For some cheap fun....

 

I would suggest you act super happy at the party tonight. Have a good time, laugh, make a few jokes. Just don't engage with your soon to be X. Not overt rejection. Just give her short non-specific answers and spend time with everyone else.

 

She will spend the whole time wondering what is going on. Why is he so happy?

 

Let her stew in the uncertainty.

[nightmare01]

Set up an appointment with a lie detector test. There are places that provide this service - to a google search in your area.

 

It's interesting how stories change once you start insisting on a lie detector test. Tell her that R is dependent upon her passing that test.

[drifter777]

Help us all understand the facts as you know them. If it was all online then what's with the PG and above the waist stuff? Are you saying she sent pictures of her breasts but nothing below the waist? Then you say he took off HER pants or did I read that wrong? If her pants came off then she a) sent pictures of her stuff down there or b) screwed him.

 

I think you need to clarify what she's admitted to, what you know for certain and what more you think happened.

[Fidelity01]

Help us all understand the facts as you know them. If it was all online then what's with the PG and above the waist stuff? Are you saying she sent pictures of her breasts but nothing below the waist? Then you say he took off HER pants or did I read that wrong? If her pants came off then she a) sent pictures of her stuff down there or b) screwed him.

 

I think you need to clarify what she's admitted to, what you know for certain and what more you think happened.

 

She is saying everythong happened online, and of what happened online it was all pg above the waist. She volunteered her pants coming off when i told her i had proof of him sexting her removal of clothing. She says she never sent him pictures. I know on halloween she sent a picture of her costume with her not in it and started teasing him with sending him photos of her in it.

 

She swears the affair was purely an online affair. Only sexting, and that the sexting was pg/pg13. Never contained removal of clothing etc. When i told her i had proof of that ahe admitted it went "a little further". She refuses to own up to everything that happened, happy to minimalize what happened to brush what happened under the rug.

 

Still insists no sexy pictures were sent and swears that while sexting they never went "all the way" with sexting. Like i said she wants me to believe it was "mostly innocent" when nothing about this screams innocence.

 

She wants me tobtake her at her word with no reason to do so. Im done doing that.

[kgcolonel]

Do you have a guess as to her angle here? Obviously she's carrying some kind of torch for this guy...why after all the time cheating on everyone else is she interested in R with you? Is it appearance, financial support, shame why???

 

You know she has betrayed you....have you stepped back and decided what your deal breaker is / was? Will it matter if she went 2 feet beyond that point or 20 feet, will it still be a deal breaker for you? How important is it that you know everything if she has gone beyond your point of no return?