D-Day 2 weeks ago...

[Fidelity01]

Do you have a guess as to her angle here? Obviously she's carrying some kind of torch for this guy...why after all the time cheating on everyone else is she interested in R with you? Is it appearance, financial support, shame why???

 

You know she has betrayed you....have you stepped back and decided what your deal breaker is / was? Will it matter if she went 2 feet beyond that point or 20 feet, will it still be a deal breaker for you? How important is it that you know everything if she has gone beyond your point of no return?

 

Her angle on covering up the affair?

 

Im sure shame has a part in it and who knows maybe her wish to R is genuine. I need to know everything because i cant forgive what i dont know. Also the foundation of every relationship is trust. She just blew up our foundation and wont tell me what happened only what she knows i can confirm. How can i trust a person like that?

 

I think the angle is if she owns up to everything she is worried i leave. Maybe thats not a concern for her i dont k now.

 

I would assume that is the reason.

[drifter777]

If you are like most men the "deal-breaker" is physical sex. At least you think it is. So let me ask you: they used to date & have sex before you married her. Now they sext but never get together for a good, long roll in the hay? Check for hotel receipts on your credit card statements. You can go back at least 6 months. Have OBS do the same. Does WW work? She can take a day off to spend with him anytime. Look hard. Confront her about this hard.

 

Online only just doesn't make sense.

[Fidelity01]

If you are like most men the "deal-breaker" is physical sex. At least you think it is. So let me ask you: they used to date & have sex before you married her. Now they sext but never get together for a good, long roll in the hay? Check for hotel receipts on your credit card statements. You can go back at least 6 months. Have OBS do the same. Does WW work? She can take a day off to spend with him anytime. Look hard. Confront her about this hard.

 

Online only just doesn't make sense.

 

Right. None of her story makes sense.

[Fidelity01]

If you are like most men the "deal-breaker" is physical sex. At least you think it is. So let me ask you: they used to date & have sex before you married her. Now they sext but never get together for a good, long roll in the hay? Check for hotel receipts on your credit card statements. You can go back at least 6 months. Have OBS do the same. Does WW work? She can take a day off to spend with him anytime. Look hard. Confront her about this hard.

 

Online only just doesn't make sense.

 

Also i dont know if physical sex is the dealbreaker here. Even if it was just an online emotional affair she still compartmentalized her affair to the point she could lie her vows. I dont know if i can stay in a marriage that my wife didnt enter in good faith. She had an online affair for AT LEAST a year but im showing corro betweeb the two for the entirety of our relationship.

 

Overall- she wont own up to what she did, happy to play trickle truth games and leave me to brush the mess under the rug and get over it. I cant forgive when i dont actually know what happened and she has shown no willingness to come clean, insisting she "doent remember".

[aliveagain]

Most annulments take place after a very short marriage, weeks, months and more likely to be granted if there are no children, assets or debt to divide. The marriage is declared void, like it never existed and therefore there are no marital assets to distribute. There is no divorce because the marriage never happened.

 

In the United States requirements differ from state to state but there are four grounds that are common.

 

.Misrepresentation or fraud

.Concealment of an important piece of information

.A spouse's refusal or inability to consummate the marriage

.The existence of a significant misunderstanding

 

I think having a boyfriend, before, during(she invited him to the wedding)and after you married her might qualify. Talk to a lawyer.

[drifter777]

Ok - all online. It's confusing because you write things like:

 

"When i told her i had a text with an article of clothing being removed (didnt tell her what article of clothing) she said... Ok maybe he took off my pants..."

 

Anyway - since they've been a long way apart it should be easier to find a paper-trail if they got together.

[sandylee1]

IF you stay with her. Get a post nuptial agreement with an infidelity clause in the event that she cheats again, although she's a proven cheater.

 

She cheated on 2 other guys with the OM...why do you think it's different with you?

 

This marriage started with deception ... I think she was 'with' him when she met you. He's been there all along. She duped you into marriage... what hope do you really have for the future .

 

There are thousands of faithful women ... your wife won't ever be one of them. Don't let her cheating ways hit you in the pocket when you have invested lots more years with kids as well.

 

Cut loose and don't look back.

[kgcolonel]

I guess it makes no difference if what she did was pg or X rated... She kept secrets often and went behind your back - creating intimacy with another man.

 

Added to that she won't offer exact details and makes you chase the evidence and it seems useless to try and make it work when she's incapable of offering you decency and peace of mind.

 

She's never earned your trust... She may never be able to.

 

Sociopaths are like that.

 

S2B....this is exactly where i was going earlier....where will he be if he can't get what he needs to be secure regarding the details. Also, how remorseful could she possibly be given what sounds like a defiant attitude or at best a very self serving attitude.

[Mr. Lucky]

Set up an appointment with a lie detector test. There are places that provide this service - to a google search in your area.

 

If there were 20 years of faithful devotion, maybe. But having been married months, the OP knows all he needs to. No polygraph necessary...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hello Fidelity, having read your initial post and a few of the posts by other forum members it seems things are pretty crystal clear. That being said I would think you would concentrate on the fundamentals of your situation and not miss the wood for the trees! It is as plain as it can ever be that your so called marriage is a sham and has been so from day one. What I don't get is why you are losing sleep over a woman who would gladly betray you and, if you were at war, would happily turn you over to the enemy. All her protestations of love are so much fiction, and she has no love for you now nor will she ever have any for you in the future. Do not beat about the bush. Just cut your losses, annul the sham marriage as others have suggested, and move on resolutely, always thinking of your own welfare and happiness(in a situation like this) and secure your future.

Your so called wife has, is, and always will be fixated on this OM of hers. She has more history with him than she has with you and after you are long gone she will still be pining for him and will probably manage to seperate his wife from him so that she can have him for her self. You should be the last person wasting your emotional capital on her! Best wishes to you as you move forward.

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry to read your story.

 

I had 18 yrs behind me and it didn't stop me getting divorced. If I was happy, I would have worked on it.

 

You on the other hand have a short amount of time and she has been cheating on you with someone she cheated on her prior two boyfriends with?

 

Honestly, she will never leave him alone.

 

Read this again:

 

3 guys she has cheated on him for. And you think she will stop?

 

Sorry but you need to quit now imho.

[LifesontheUp]

The OM was a male friend of hers that she had been sexually active with in the past(in fact she cheated on the two boyfriends before me with him too).

 

Just wanted to highlight this very important piece of fact you posted.

 

This is someone she cannot leave alone. You'd be wise to run and run fast.

[troubadour]

Go to the party but no need to put on a happy face. Don't pretend.

 

It may be a perfect environment to tell everyone that you're divorcing her.

 

 

Seriously? The OP should ruin his mother party and make himself look like an utter idiot to satisfie your insatiable need for drama?

[goodyblue]

I guess it makes no difference if what she did was pg or X rated... She kept secrets often and went behind your back - creating intimacy with another man.

 

Added to that she won't offer exact details and makes you chase the evidence and it seems useless to try and make it work when she's incapable of offering you decency and peace of mind.

 

She's never earned your trust... She may never be able to.

 

Sociopaths are like that.

 

Please... Don't diagnose her.

 

 

OP... I think this is one case where the other BS should know.

 

I hope you don't stay with this woman. She has never been committed to you. That is not fair.

 

I was OW years ago and married my FMM. I know how important trust is. I don't usually give this advice but your story is particularly heinous.

[bigman1]

You know that you have to cut her loose. You can't. You don't want to. But you have to. THIS is impossible to save and will only lead to more pain for you.

 

She is hooked on this other guy. Like majorly addicted. She's cheated on 3 men with whom she's been involved in a committed relationship with over the past years.

 

Its not a competition between you and him. She chose him years ago. You are just a place holder like all the other men. Sorry to be so harsh, but this is not even close.

 

Also, tell the other spouse. Its the only humane thing to do.

 

From your posts, I think that you will try to make it work, even though that is ridiculous and destined for failure. She is not EVER going to let him go.

[conpron5]

She went into the marriage while still cheating. Don't even bother.

 

Who paid for the wedding ?

[BetrayedH]

She's still actively lying straight to your face.

 

You can find a better partner in life than this one.

 

If you file for divorce, it's likely that she will continue to try to run damage control and admit to a little more than what you already know. It's remarkable how cheaters continue to lie when it's the worst possible thing for them to do. I initially found 13 hotel reservations my wife had made. I insisted upon full openness, honesty, and transparency for her to avoid an immediate divorce. She then admitted to it being more like 30. She said he'd never been in our home. She denied having a threesome when I'd seen she'd been looking for a hooker for them to have one with. She repeatedly cried her eyes out, insisting that I knew everything that there was to know and that she'd never lie to me again. After about 8 months of trying to reconcile, I discovered that it was more like 60-70 hotel stays. I found an online post where she'd written about him screwing her on my couch with our kids asleep in the next room. And I discovered that the threesome did, in fact, happen (although she said she refused to participate once things began in the hotel room - yeah, right). Here she had a husband that was trying to forgive 30 hotel stays and she continued to lie, even with the biggest requirement being her honesty.

 

These people are nuts. Find a new partner in life. This one is rotten.

[Fidelity01]

She went into the marriage while still cheating. Don't even bother.

 

Who paid for the wedding ?

 

My parents and myself. No financial assistamce from her family.

 

As an update... I left yesterday. I gave her my key to the house, grabbed clothes deodorant amd medications, and walked. She begged and pleaded and cried for me to stay. Wanted the chance to prove to me she doesnt want him. That she will never contact him in anyway. I told her to own up to the affair. Write everything down. What happened how long. No lies.

 

Then i left. She begged me to come home today, and I did and we talked more. She gave me six pages. I read it Nd reread it. She acknowledges the flirtatiousness has always been there and it did factor in to why she had cheated. She told me she didnt want him and that she will never contact him again. I said that is good. Then I left again.

 

She swears she will never never contact him and that they never saw each other physically in any capacity. No photos no skype no instagram(whatever that is?) no meeting. Just texts. And she admits things were out of control but she doesnt want to lose me...

 

She swears to go to IC With an infidelity specialist. She wants to prove her love for me. She wants a chance.

 

As it stands im at my sister and brother in laws. (The reason i left as opposed to kick her oit is the house is in her name solely).

 

I dont think I have any reason to give her that chance given her betrayal but she seems sincere in trying to do whatever it takes, and will give me access to all pw all accounts all emails. I told her that if we want to R it will be with a post-nuptial agreement in place. I dont know what I am doing yet. But whatever it is i am doing it for me and my son.

 

Now just trying to avoid having anxiety attacks and keeping my mind in right head space... Which is difficult when every fiber of my being wants to lash out be angry... At the same time i want to just bawl and cry all the time.

[sandylee1]

Why do people risk marriages like this and then start begging like dogs. The fact is she doesn't want to be a divorced single mom, who has to get out on the dating scene again.

 

 

You were defrauded into the marriage and she is untrustworthy. it's a vey short marriage and a pity you'll be stuck with co-parenting for years to come.

 

 

A marriage is built on trust. That's the foundation of a marriage.

 

 

I don't like divorce, but your wife entered the marriage deceiving you, so I'm having difficulty telling you to make a go of it. Once again a cheating parent risks the safety and security of their child. I am sorry for your pain right now.

[Buckeye2]

I dont think I have any reason to give her that chance given her betrayal but she seems sincere in trying to do whatever it takes, and will give me access to all pw all accounts all emails.

 

Of course I don’t know but let’s say that that you were family (90% of her needs) and he was fun (10% of her needs). The 10% was free until she got caught and now it may cost her the 90%. Of course she is extremely sincere and her emotions are real. She’s like a bank robber that was caught and willing to do anything to stay out of jail.

[drifter777]

If you can truly believe that she didn't have sex then I think you have a chance to reconcile with her if that's what you want. That's a really big "if" and only you will know when you are there. Take your time, keep digging. Don't rug-sweep this thing.

[privategal]

My parents and myself. No financial assistamce from her family.

 

As an update... I left yesterday. I gave her my key to the house, grabbed clothes deodorant amd medications, and walked. She begged and pleaded and cried for me to stay. Wanted the chance to prove to me she doesnt want him. That she will never contact him in anyway. I told her to own up to the affair. Write everything down. What happened how long. No lies.

 

Then i left. She begged me to come home today, and I did and we talked more. She gave me six pages. I read it Nd reread it. She acknowledges the flirtatiousness has always been there and it did factor in to why she had cheated. She told me she didnt want him and that she will never contact him again. I said that is good. Then I left again.

 

She swears she will never never contact him and that they never saw each other physically in any capacity. No photos no skype no instagram(whatever that is?) no meeting. Just texts. And she admits things were out of control but she doesnt want to lose me...

 

She swears to go to IC With an infidelity specialist. She wants to prove her love for me. She wants a chance.

 

As it stands im at my sister and brother in laws. (The reason i left as opposed to kick her oit is the house is in her name solely).

 

I dont think I have any reason to give her that chance given her betrayal but she seems sincere in trying to do whatever it takes, and will give me access to all pw all accounts all emails. I told her that if we want to R it will be with a post-nuptial agreement in place. I dont know what I am doing yet. But whatever it is i am doing it for me and my son.

 

Now just trying to avoid having anxiety attacks and keeping my mind in right head space... Which is difficult when every fiber of my being wants to lash out be angry... At the same time i want to just bawl and cry all the time.

 

She doesn't want to lose you cause she has to then face her friends and family and confess her marriage is over cause shes a cheater.

She wants to try now so hard.

Maybe shoulda tried not cheating.

It will never be the same. You will never trust her the same.

[sidney2718]

Her angle on covering up the affair?

 

Im sure shame has a part in it and who knows maybe her wish to R is genuine. I need to know everything because i cant forgive what i dont know. Also the foundation of every relationship is trust. She just blew up our foundation and wont tell me what happened only what she knows i can confirm. How can i trust a person like that?

 

I think the angle is if she owns up to everything she is worried i leave. Maybe thats not a concern for her i dont k now.

 

I would assume that is the reason.

 

The major reason why folks often refuse to come clean is that they KNOW that if you knew the full truth you'd divorce them in an instant.

 

The only way around it that I can think of is to sit her down and tell her that as of right now you are filing for divorce. If she doesn't object, then you know the truth. If she does object tell her that the only way of avoiding the divorce is for her to come totally clean and answer questions on the details. And even with this, you may still file for divorce.

 

And oh yes, it doesn't hurt to let her think that you know more about details than you've told her.

[m.snow]

married 3 mos. hmm is that still with in annulment. I say annul the marriage, if it works out without the cheating then get remarried.

 

will save you money in case of divorce.

[Cephalopod]

If there is a child in the mix, you cannot get an annulment. It will have to be a divorce.

 

Friend, your WW is exactly like mine was when I divorced her. It was incredibly painful and I too tried to nice her back to me, even going so far as to sharing her with her OM like you are doing. I see so many parallels with you and I. But I wised up and I divorced her and took our daughter with me and never looked back.

 

It wasn't until I had completely separate from her geographically and emotionally that I was able to step out of my own fog and see her for the wretch she really was.

 

Four years on she is a pathetic, hideous shell of the beautiful woman I married. I'm so glad I made the decision to leave her. I do not know what depths of hell she would have drug my daughter and I down to if I had tried to stay with her.

 

You need to divorce your WW and get out of this situation you are in. Do it for your son if you cannot do it for yourself.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Cephalopod