D-Day 2 weeks ago...

[sidney2718]

Her angle on covering up the affair?

 

Im sure shame has a part in it and who knows maybe her wish to R is genuine. I need to know everything because i cant forgive what i dont know. Also the foundation of every relationship is trust. She just blew up our foundation and wont tell me what happened only what she knows i can confirm. How can i trust a person like that?

 

I think the angle is if she owns up to everything she is worried i leave. Maybe thats not a concern for her i dont k now.

 

I would assume that is the reason.

 

The major reason why folks often refuse to come clean is that they KNOW that if you knew the full truth you'd divorce them in an instant.

 

The only way around it that I can think of is to sit her down and tell her that as of right now you are filing for divorce. If she doesn't object, then you know the truth. If she does object tell her that the only way of avoiding the divorce is for her to come totally clean and answer questions on the details. And even with this, you may still file for divorce.

 

And oh yes, it doesn't hurt to let her think that you know more about details than you've told her.

[m.snow]

married 3 mos. hmm is that still with in annulment. I say annul the marriage, if it works out without the cheating then get remarried.

 

will save you money in case of divorce.

[Cephalopod]

If there is a child in the mix, you cannot get an annulment. It will have to be a divorce.

 

Friend, your WW is exactly like mine was when I divorced her. It was incredibly painful and I too tried to nice her back to me, even going so far as to sharing her with her OM like you are doing. I see so many parallels with you and I. But I wised up and I divorced her and took our daughter with me and never looked back.

 

It wasn't until I had completely separate from her geographically and emotionally that I was able to step out of my own fog and see her for the wretch she really was.

 

Four years on she is a pathetic, hideous shell of the beautiful woman I married. I'm so glad I made the decision to leave her. I do not know what depths of hell she would have drug my daughter and I down to if I had tried to stay with her.

 

You need to divorce your WW and get out of this situation you are in. Do it for your son if you cannot do it for yourself.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Cephalopod

[Fidelity01]

If there is a child in the mix, you cannot get an annulment. It will have to be a divorce.

 

Friend, your WW is exactly like mine was when I divorced her. It was incredibly painful and I too tried to nice her back to me, even going so far as to sharing her with her OM like you are doing. I see so many parallels with you and I. But I wised up and I divorced her and took our daughter with me and never looked back.

 

You need to divorce your WW and get out of this situation you are in. Do it for your son if you cannot do it for yourself.

 

Luckily, my son is from a prior relationshil so she has no custody rights to him. I also think this keeps annulment on the table.

 

I have moved out. I am still in communication with her as she pours her soul out to me regarding "why she thinks she had the affair", why that OM, etc.

 

I dont even know what to think because at this time, it looks like ger EA was longer than our actial relationship was- even if sexting didnt start til more recent(which is her claim not sure i believe) as stated previously, she cheated om the two bf's prior to me with him. Physically with him. I have no reason to doubt it happened. It probably did. She is ADAMANT it did not but why believe her?

 

I mean she has more time emotionally invested in the OM than me. Why should i expect honesty from her in regards to this? The OBS was deployed for about a year plus. Which is prime "cheat" territory. Itbfits and if They wanted they could and would have done it. Possibilities present themselves over 5 years. And with him 2 hours away and his wife deployed... There were opportunities. I dont remember her "going away for a weekend" or anything but it could have

[bigman1]

Go back and read your first post. She cheated on 2 prior bf's with this guy. Stop and evaluate her based on that alone. Now, she'said been online cheating with the same guy on you. What? Is that history repeating ?

 

Now she promises to give you all pw's. So what? Is she incapable of creating new accounts? I always find that little gesture to be utterly useless. Symbolic, sure. Substantive? Nope. Not even a little bit.

 

In my experience, when someone is in love with someone, they can't help it. She can't help herself with this guy. He predates you, from your timeline. Get an annulment. If you want to chance that she won't go back to him or someone else, then good luck. It won't matter cause she's gonna go back to him.

[Lois_Griffin]

The reason she confessed to the affair is that the OM is married too, and his spouse found messages between the 2 on halloween with my wife telling him about her "sexy costume" and some messages of them sexting. OBS also uncovered messages from my wife insulting her to her husband. Did i mention that OBS is 5 months pregnant and my wife knew? The OBS threatened to send me "everything" if my wife didnt stop contacting her husband. So my wife "came clean"...

I knew, before I even read the above paragraph, that you didn't get that confession for altruistic reasons and more than likely, she was telling you before someone else did.

 

Cheaters are so damned predictable.

 

She's got a long history with this guy and if you actually believe that these two suddenly both got a conscience and haven't had sex and that it was all online, then I have some beachfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you.

 

You can listen to her whine about the 'whys' of her affair til the cows come home. It doesn't matter. Because you know what? Had his wife not found out about these two and forced her to have to confess to you, their affair would STILL be going on right this minute while you sat in blissful ignorance at work.

 

THAT'S who you married. A lying cheater.

 

You already know how low she's able to sink because she did it to the two victims before you.

 

I'd be at my lawyer's in the morning. She's already shown you exactly how much you don't matter. Now that she's been caught, out come the crocodile tears and the begging and proclamations of how much she looooooves you and doesn't want her married boyfriend. Funny how she 'didn't want him' for 9 months until they were caught. Does she have any idea how pitifully cliché she really is?

 

I would SO be at my lawyer's office in the morning. And read ChumpLady dot com in the lawyer's waiting room.

[Try]

How far did it go? All online. Never physical. All above the waist. And she stood by her no clothes being removed. When i told her i had a text with an article of clothing being removed (didnt tell her what article of clothing) she said... Ok maybe he took off my pants...

Her telling you that her affair partner "took of her pants" means that contrary to her story stating otherwise, it was not "all online" as he was there to remove her pants, it was not "all above the waist", and that "clothing being removed" did in fact take place. In other works, her entire version of what took place with her affair partner is a lie. You cannot forgive her for what you do not know. Thus even if you wanted to forgive her and reconcile, you could not because your forgiveness would be incomplete until she starts being 100% honest wiht you about the affair. Also studies show that spouse usually get over the sexual part of the affair well before the lying associated with the affair. Since she is still lying about the affair, the clock on your healing has not even started.

[Try]

My parents and myself. No financial assistamce from her family.

The reason i left as opposed to kick her oit is the house is in her name solely

Traditionally the wife's family pays for the wedding. The fact that you and your family paid for the wedding while she was well off enough to own a home "in her name solely" speaks volumes.

[S2B]

Luckily, my son is from a prior relationshil so she has no custody rights to him. I also think this keeps annulment on the table.

 

I have moved out. I am still in communication with her as she pours her soul out to me regarding "why she thinks she had the affair", why that OM, etc.

 

I dont even know what to think because at this time, it looks like ger EA was longer than our actial relationship was- even if sexting didnt start til more recent(which is her claim not sure i believe) as stated previously, she cheated om the two bf's prior to me with him. Physically with him. I have no reason to doubt it happened. It probably did. She is ADAMANT it did not but why believe her?

 

I mean she has more time emotionally invested in the OM than me. Why should i expect honesty from her in regards to this? The OBS was deployed for about a year plus. Which is prime "cheat" territory. Itbfits and if They wanted they could and would have done it. Possibilities present themselves over 5 years. And with him 2 hours away and his wife deployed... There were opportunities. I dont remember her "going away for a weekend" or anything but it could have

 

Over a five year period in sure they found reasons to be in the same place at the same time since he was only two hours away.

 

Don't think they didn't meet up.

 

 

It wouldn't take a weekend...they could have been meeting for an hour - a half hour - or even ten minutes while you were working.

[aliveagain]

She must be one hell of a scheduler if she can carry on an affair and a marriage. She must be pissed at her affair partner for getting them both caught. How will she ever explain to everyone she works with, family, all her friends that her husband left her just 3 months into her marriage? All those nights you laid in bed wondering why she wasn't in the mood are now explained, she has a boyfriend. I can just imaging what was going through her mind during the ceremony, how much more naughty it was going to feel now that she's a married woman. I bet you she sent him pictures of your honeymoon as they were happening. If it was only emotional and always from a distance, how did the hair pulling, making out, kissing happen? Who took her pants off? When was the last time you took a woman's pants off and then stopped?

 

Your wife has very few to no boundaries, she was having sex with a married man before you dated her. She cheated on all her long term boyfriends with the same married O/M. Distance doesn't matter when it comes to infidelity, they always find a way to meet somewhere in the middle. When I was trying to understand my ex's infidelity I read an article on how to have an affair, they recommend that your affair partner should live at least 50 miles away or your activities with them should take place in a town that is 50 miles away. The chances of being recognized in a hotel or restaurant by someone you know is significantly reduced and they can act more like a boyfriend, girlfriend in public. Book the polygraph.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then i left. She begged me to come home today, and I did and we talked more. She gave me six pages. I read it Nd reread it. She acknowledges the flirtatiousness has always been there and it did factor in to why she had cheated. She told me she didnt want him and that she will never contact him again. I said that is good. Then I left again.

 

You will never know the "whole" truth, just one of the things a BS has to accept.

 

So, given her history of cheating on previous partners and her infidelity during your entire time together, it all comes down to this:

 

Is what you know about her enough to make you want to continue the marriage?

 

I don't see a single period in her life where you've described her as acting in good faith, showing fidelity or honoring commitment. In fact, she may not be capable of doing so. And as such, I'd hate to bet my future happiness and emotional well-being on such long odds.

 

Up to you but please think about a life of wondering about what really happened - and what might happen next...

 

Mr. Lucky

[insert_name]

Yep, tell her reconciliation begins with the lie detector and she has to pass 100% (inconclusive results are not good enough) and then watch the reaction on her face to that statement. That will pretty much tell you everything about whether it really was physical.

[sandylee1]

All the single ladies looking for a man to marry and she's been busted cheating 3 months in. The shame of having to tell everyone must be killing her.

 

Finding a good man to marry isn't easy..... not like she can get a mail order groom.

 

Be glad she didn't get pregnant by him and then pin the kid on you.

 

One of the many bits that gets me is inviting her boyfriend to your wedding!!! Talk about disrespect... she doesn't give a sh** about anyone but herself.

 

No thought a pregnant woman who has a cheating spouse.

 

Can I clarify.. is she saying that she never had sex with him in the 5 years you were together? Why exactly would she not when she did with the other 2?

 

In 5 years she will have got with him enough times. She's wasted time you could have been with an honest faithful woman..... she's a fraud.

[Fidelity01]

 

Can I clarify.. is she saying that she never had sex with him in the 5 years you were together? Why exactly would she not when she did with the other 2?

 

In 5 years she will have got with him enough times. She's wasted time you could have been with an honest faithful woman..... she's a fraud.

 

Why do I think it was never physical? I really really have no reason to. She is ADAMANT they never met in any physical capacity, but why should I believe that?

 

As stated she has been hooked on this other guy for almost 10 years it seems. The first 3 years of our relationship he only lived 2 hours away. Not only that, for 2 years of that time, the OBS was deployed and the OM was home alone. Lots of opportunity. I can not specify a time where anything might have happened specifically, unaccounted trips without me etc. But as others have pointed out they dont need a "weekend getaway". Plenty of "opportunities" present themselves if you look at it. On my bi-weekly "game night" with the boys i was out of the house from 6-12. Who is to say he wouldnt swing through town? Or as others have stated a day off work where they had nothing going on and wanted to spend the day together.

The last two years his wife got reassigned to the east coast and he went with her. So being separated by half a continent, I felt "comfortable" nothing happened... But looking at facts i cannot verify that at all. Two weeks to a week before our wedding he was planning a vacation through the state by himself without his wife. "To visit old friends and family". They were making plans to hang out. But "the trip never happened, he ended up needing surgery and so couldnt make the trip" according to her.

She swears she JUST wanted to catch up of course and nothing would have happened.

 

So to address why do i believe it was solely online? I have no reason to believe at all, especially since she has admitted to flirting with him all the way since the beginning of our relationship.

[Bryanp]

Schedule a polygraph.

[bigman1]

I think that getting caught up on whether it went physical is important, but really, will it change things? She has been hooked on this guy for 10 years! Whether it went physical or was going to go physical does not change the fact that she was trying to be with him during your marriage.

 

Sure, be with him emotionally first and then probably physical later, but be with him was her goal, is her goal, and will be her goal. She can't help it.

 

In the end, you can go all FBI polygraph on the physical stuff, but you need to ask questions about her heart. Maybe once you hear it from her mouth, you will see that she is not going to be a safe partner for you.

 

If she passes on both topics, then great, she will have proved a lot of people wrong and then you can move on. I doubt she passes.

[troubadour]

In the end, you can go all FBI polygraph on the physical stuff, but you need to ask questions about her heart. Maybe once you hear it from her mouth, you will see that she is not going to be a safe partner for you.

 

If she passes on both topics, then great, she will have proved a lot of people wrong and then you can move on. I doubt she passes.

 

 

No reputable polygraph examiner will allow this kind of questions.

[bigman1]

I didn't think so, but I thought questions regarding attraction and intention have been allowed recently. By allowed, I mean polygrap examiners have some they ask. Still, it doesn't matter. No poly is going to create trust.

[S2B]

I didn't think so, but I thought questions regarding attraction and intention have been allowed recently. By allowed, I mean polygrap examiners have some they ask. Still, it doesn't matter. No poly is going to create trust.

 

Trust can't be created no matter what because she hasn't offered her truth. She's never been forthcoming and she's always been deceitful.

 

There's not even a starting point to work from...

[turnera]

Then I left again.

Leaving is the ONLY reason she is working this hard. She has to know you are done and will only CONSIDER giving her another chance. You don't owe her one. And remember, she's a serial cheater. So saying she'll never contact him again would require at least a good ten years of you checking her phone.

 

She swears to go to IC With an infidelity specialist. She wants to prove her love for me. She wants a chance.

Tell her to line up the polygraph appointment, then.

 

And I suggest if you DO stay that you divorce and then get a PRE-nup rather than a POST-nup - I heard they do not hold up in court. Or else don't marry her again so you can just leave when she cheats again.

[Fidelity01]

Leaving is the ONLY reason she is working this hard. She has to know you are done and will only CONSIDER giving her another chance. You don't owe her one. And remember, she's a serial cheater. So saying she'll never contact him again would require at least a good ten years of you checking her phone.

 

Tell her to line up the polygraph appointment, then.

 

And I suggest if you DO stay that you divorce and then get a PRE-nup rather than a POST-nup - I heard they do not hold up in court. Or else don't marry her again so you can just leave when she cheats again.

 

I spoke to an attorney about a post-nup amd their enforcability. He said that was a really good question most dont ask. He indicated approx 85% are upheld with most notable exceptions being unfair terms or too much legal jargon.

 

I heard most pre-nups dont hold up due to assets brought to the marriage versus marriage assets accrued through out the marriage.

[66Charger]

I dont see why you or your "wife" think a annulment is the end of the world. Its only been a 3 month marriage. This should be annulled. If she really wants to prove her love and commitment, you can have a private ceremony and marry again under better terms. If she is willing to take the poly, passes it clean to the PA question, and work for a new marriage (post annulment) filled with RESPECT FOR THE MARRIAGE. Then maybe give it a shot. She owes you this. If she balks at any of this, especially the poly, walk away and stay away.

 

For me, the EA since you have known her would be enough to annull and forget her name.

Edited December 8, 2015 by 66Charger