S_BEAN Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 So my boyfriends ex is having his son. Some background info...we met at work while he was dating her. We had a connection and both of us fell for each other quickly. Hours on the phone, so natural to be together, great friendship that turned into a great relationship (shortly after he broke up with her because he just didn't feel love for her). He had been married before (divorced for 5 years) and had sworn up and down he never wanted to get married again. He knew marriage was something I wanted down the road with the right person and when he was pursuing relationship I told him I couldn't because marriage is something I want - not just a very long term relationship. He took some time to figure out if he could be open to that and he was. A few months later - I love you's were said by both of us (something we both take very seriously and don't just say it to say it) and he said he could see himself marrying me. All of that was said just to let you know how our relationship is. The twist...his ex tells him she is pregnant with his child. The breakup was bad because she loved him and he just didn't even have serious feelings for her. She moved out of state for a job and very little contact was had between them while she was pregnant. I haven't been worried about them getting back together until now. Today is the due date and he flew out to her state for the birth of their son. I expressed my desire that if she for any reason shows feelings or broaches wanting to get back together he tell her it wasn't going to happen. He agreed but gets very easily frustrated when I make requests or ask a bunch of questions because he thinks I'm jealous and insecure - both of which he hates. I try to tell him I just need periodic reassurance from him because another woman having his child and sharing parenthood and all of those wonderful (and possibly bonding moments) with her is very, very difficult for me. I am trying to be supportive because he is so stressed at the moment because fatherhood is something he takes seriously (especially because his own father did not and he doesn't want to be like that towards his child). I am trying to think about how to handle this. My love for him is something I didn't even know was possible. I want him to stay in my life forever and I would love if we could eventually get to the point of marriage and having our own children. I and ok with his new son being around and I am ok with less attention towards me - I completely get how that is necessary. I just really need advice on how to handle his ex being in his life permanently now. Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Make all the demands you want. He got himself into this mess and he will have to deal with it. This would make anyone uncomfortable. But think about the child. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 You let go. You release him because you love him - and by releasing him, you actually increase the bond you have. You may think what I have to say is very contrary, but (without proselytising) the most important lesson I personally, following Buddhism as I do, need to accept, is the reality and truth of two things: One: Nothing, but nothing is permanent. And Two: nothing, but nothing is ours to keep or hold onto. By loving him enough and giving him the freedom to bond with his son, and therefore remain inevitably connected to her as the mother of his son - you need to accept that he does not belong to you, and you do not belong to him. He is with you, because he loves you. By creating situations in his mind where he has to consider you, you bind and restrict his natural inclination to be free to deal with the situation without added complications. He perceives your conditions as jealous and insecure. You say: I expressed my desire that if she for any reason shows feelings or broaches wanting to get back together he tell her it wasn't going to happen......I try to tell him I just need periodic reassurance from him because another woman having his child and sharing parenthood and all of those wonderful (and possibly bonding moments) with her is very, very difficult for me. Which actually, virtually confirms his statement. Needing periodic assurance, means you are uncertain of his love for you. You fear their involvement and you applied conditions regarding his feelings for his ex. Expressing your desire that he tell her 'it's not going to happen' is exercising control over feelings you have no control over. Just as he fell in love with you, on impulse, almost accidentally, with no control over how you felt for one another... could anyone have insisted you both determine 'it isn't going to happen'....? You need to release, accept, let go, and be expansive in the unconditional liberty you donate, in the spirit of generosity and compassion. You cannot affect the future, or control the will and feelings of others. But releasing, stepping back, and seeing things as they are, rather than as you insist they should be, will lift an enormous burden form your heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I didn't read your ridiculous long post, but I'd keep away. Nothing like dealing with baby mama drama. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I didn't read your ridiculous long post, but I'd keep away. Nothing like dealing with baby mama drama. yup, that's what happen when you date and have unprotected sex with someone you don't 'love'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 So within a span of 5 years he has gotten divorced, been in another relationship that resulted in a pregnancy and is ready to marry you, yet another different person? I would worry about that. It sounds like he fritters from person to person. He is proven to be unfaithful so that is yet another red flag. Are you sure you want this? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I think it may be difgicult for you. He has a lot of responsibility for his child, financial and time wise. This is true in second marriages where a spouse has kids already. Only uou can know if you can tolerate this, and it may be too early to determine. So, do jot get married to him for a good long yime and use birth control if physical intimacy is happening. Then, you can get out more easily if this becomes intolerable. If it is not, you can marry in a few years. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 So within a span of 5 years he has gotten divorced, been in another relationship that resulted in a pregnancy and is ready to marry you, yet another different person? I would worry about that. It sounds like he fritters from person to person. He is proven to be unfaithful so that is yet another red flag. Are you sure you want this? I agree, he sounds like one of those flakey people chasing love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author S_BEAN Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Hey guys, thank you so much for the replies. I'm not sure what to think these days and I really appreciate hearing other people's perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 They cheat with you, they cheat on you. Wait a little before you go shopping for a ring. Wouldn't be surprised if unfaithfulness was the reason for the breakdown of his first marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I would find the timing of this too much to bear. Even assuming he started dating you the day after he had sex with her for the last time & impregnating her, you were only a few weeks into this new relationship when he found out she was having his child. Now 9+ months later the baby is here. He flew off to be with his new baby. He gets upset when you ask for some reassurance. I don't care how many ILYs he says, I don't see a solid enough foundation for you two to weather the storm of the new baby. Link to post Share on other sites
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