lovesfool Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I recently got back together with my ex. To make a long story short, he broke up with me for reasons he didn't fully understand at the time. During our time apart he realised it was because I was emotionally distant and he didn't think our relationship was moving forward. I can fully relate to what he said, and didn't realise it until he said it to me. Up until then I thought he was just bored with me and I had tried to get him out of my mind, thinking of negative things about him to make it easier to get over our breakup. Then he contacted me out of the blue a while ago and I've decided to give him a second chance. We are a month into our "new" relationship and things are going great. We are being more open with each other and it's much better than it was before. I do really enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh and shows me affection. But I am a bit worried. I can tell that he is really falling for me again, but I don't know if I'll ever get back to feeling how I did before. He has said that he is so happy to be back together and that he is crazy about me. I usually hesitate and I'm not sure how to respond. I think he may even be close to saying "I love you". I'm really not at that point yet and I don't know if I ever will be. He ticks all the boxes for a boyfriend except I don't feel a deep emotional connection with him right now. I feel more like a friend than a partner, which is worrying me. I don't want to prolong a relationship that's not going to work, but at the same time I don't want to give up on a relationship too early. How much time should I give to this rekindled relationship, to try and find that connection again? Am I naiive in thinking that I should be falling in love with him again after a month? Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 How long were you broken up for? Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 How much time should I give to this rekindled relationship, to try and find that connection again? Am I naiive in thinking that I should be falling in love with him again after a month? All of the problems you have described in your "new" relationship are the same problems you had in your "old" relationship hence the breakup and hence the reason why this is not going to workout. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 How long were you broken up for? It was for over a year. All of the problems you have described in your "new" relationship are the same problems you had in your "old" relationship hence the breakup and hence the reason why this is not going to workout. But I didn't have this problem in my old relationship. Any problems we did have, we are working on fixing them and they are much better. I did love him before, but after he broke up with me, things changed (of course). Is it possible to love him again or am I going down a path that has no future? Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I know people who've been apart for years and got back together, still together today - takes work, can you do it? If not be honest with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It sounds like you have some kind of guard up which is expected after he hurt you. I can't say how long it'll take but just try to relax and give it time. If the feelings aren't there now who says they can't return? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I know people who've been apart for years and got back together, still together today - takes work, can you do it? If not be honest with him... I understand that everyone says relationships take work, but I'm not sure what that means. If it's to do with putting in time i.e. dating, calling him and general communication, I think I'm doing my best. It sounds like you have some kind of guard up which is expected after he hurt you. I can't say how long it'll take but just try to relax and give it time. If the feelings aren't there now who says they can't return? I think I do have a guard up and I am less trusting of him. I'm worried that he might lie to me about something. I've no reason to believe this as I've never caught him in a lie, but I think because he broke up with me before (and I thought it was for the wrong reason), I'm finding it difficult to readjust to him being in my life again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Just an update on my situation. I am still seeing him, but I still haven't been able to rekindle the spark. We've been going out for meals, date nights and also many occasions of intimacy. I am trying to be more open with him, and he is doing the same with me. Is there anything else I can do to try and get back to how we felt before? I know there are definitely feelings there for him because I was in love with him prior to the breakup. Do I need to give it more time? Am I fooling myself into thinking I can find these feelings again? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Sounds like you are trying to force something that isn't there. If it's not there, it's not there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 We are a month into our "new" relationship and things are going great. We are being more open with each other and it's much better than it was before. that doesn't square with: I don't know if I'll ever get back to feeling how I did before. I'm really not at that point yet and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't feel a deep emotional connection with him right now. I feel more like a friend than a partner You can't make yourself feel something if it is not there. You can't stay to make him happy at your own expense because you will end up bitter and resenting him because you chose his happiness over your own. I think your first order of business to is to be completely honest with yourself and speak that truth. No, things aren't going to be what they were before. That vessel got smashed into a million pieces and nothing will return it to its pristine, original condition. Can you love and tend this cobbled together "new" relationship or do you require a pristine vessel that has no evidence of past trauma and damage done to it? The fair thing to do is to be honest with him so that he keeps his feelings and expectations in check if you're not feeling this. You may need to work with a therapist to figure out what from the past needs addressing--or if you even have the will to dig it up and address it. But don't string him along because you don't want to be alone for the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) Hey. I won't go into the details of my breakup with my ex as I've discussed them at length on this website before. We got back together a few months ago, after he expressed interest in trying our relationship again. We had problems when we were dating before, which we've worked out, but now that we're back dating, I don't have strong feelings for him anymore. When we were broken up, I would have done anything to have him back in my life. I thought about him everyday. But now I am having serious doubts about whether he is the right guy for me. I don't know if it's because he broke up with be before that subconsciously I am not letting myself develop feelings for him or if it's just that we're incompatible and the feelings just aren't there. I've seriously considered breaking up with him. There's no real problem with our relationship in that I really enjoy spending time with him and always love hearing from him, but after a few months of dating again I thought I would feel different. Should I give it more time to develop my old feelings or is this relationship a dead end? Edited December 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merged from another thread. ~ V Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Kill it with fire. You probably shouldn't have restarted it in the first place. Why would you force it? Link to post Share on other sites
mountains Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 It could take a while to fall in love with someone again. It sounds like you are trying to rush it or leave off where you were, which neither would work. If you are starting over, then it is just that. Would you love someone after a first date or after only going on a few? If so, then it wouldn't be full blown like you are thinking. It sounds like maybe you didn't spend enough time without each other to stop thinking about the previous relationship to start a new one. The other one must end before you can start over... Link to post Share on other sites
Chronotrgr Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Depending on how strong your feelings are, and how strong your base relationship is, its worth sticking it out, people have times where they fall apart and sometimes it takes time to get where you want to be, it's a slow process if you don't look at it from a fairy tail point of view, but if it's not that serious of a relationship then I wouldn't delay the inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Depending on how strong your feelings are, and how strong your base relationship is, its worth sticking it out, people have times where they fall apart and sometimes it takes time to get where you want to be, it's a slow process if you don't look at it from a fairy tail point of view, but if it's not that serious of a relationship then I wouldn't delay the inevitable. Should I talk to him about my doubts? I'm worried he has much stronger feelings for me and that I'm leading him on when I don't feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 No. Just break up with him. "This isn't working for me" is the fairest thing you could say. If he's in love with you, just as any other dumped person would, he will have to get over you. Don't stay with him out of concern, pity or obligation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chronotrgr Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Should I talk to him about my doubts? I'm worried he has much stronger feelings for me and that I'm leading him on when I don't feel the same way. I think it would probably help you to open up about it, its hard carrying something like that on your shoulders, but if he doesn't know then he is gonna be clueless as to which direction he is supposed to be looking toward in your relationship, there's always a risk that being honest might hurt him but is it better that he knows the truth regardless of whether or not you stick together or you break up one day and he is left to question himself why?, if you want to fight for your relationship then I would say it starts with being honest about how you feel about him, to him. Link to post Share on other sites
kiki2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Did he end it or did you? If it's the former then is it possible you were so upset after initial break up that you cried it out and had to think of him negatively to be able to move on? I'm going through that at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 I decided to break up with him without really knowing if it was the right thing to do. I have immediate regrets because now I know we will never speak again and I really enjoyed spending time with him. The spark just wasn't there. He brought up a lot of points about my insecurities, which are true, and I am really worried I just sabotaged my relationship without good reason. I was afraid to take the next step and expected him to lead the relationship, all because of my uncertainty. Why was this breakup so difficult? Is there any way of knowing if it was the right thing to do? For all I know if I had stuck it out for another month or two I could have overcome my problems and developed those feelings for him again. My logic was that right now, I don't have those feelings, so I thought I should break up. Please tell me I was right Link to post Share on other sites
itisdanielle Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I think you did the right thing. You did give it chance and didn't see it getting better. Couples getting back together is rare, it being successful is even less common. For the relationship to end once, and then after reconciling you have strong doubts, I think is a sign that you two are just not meant to be. Be proud of yourself. A lot of people stay in relationships out of fear/comfort. Now you're both free to find the right person for you both 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chronotrgr Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I don't think I can tell you if it was right or not, I think couples go through spells from time to time when they aren't as close for whatever reason, whether it be arguments, work, outside stress, limited time together, personal crisis etc, that's just life, I believe in seeing it out together, but it depends on what kind of relationship it was and how serious it was, and whether or not he was willing to make the effort to get things back on track, only time will tell if it was the right thing to do, I would advise you to think about it for a while abd devise a plan for whichever way you go about it but what you can't do is go back to him then change your mind down the line and end it again, that wouldn't be right. Link to post Share on other sites
fiskadoro Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I decided to break up with him without really knowing if it was the right thing to do. I have immediate regrets because now I know we will never speak again and I really enjoyed spending time with him. The spark just wasn't there. He brought up a lot of points about my insecurities, which are true, and I am really worried I just sabotaged my relationship without good reason. I was afraid to take the next step and expected him to lead the relationship, all because of my uncertainty. Why was this breakup so difficult? Is there any way of knowing if it was the right thing to do? For all I know if I had stuck it out for another month or two I could have overcome my problems and developed those feelings for him again. My logic was that right now, I don't have those feelings, so I thought I should break up. Please tell me I was right Perhaps you want to work on being more mature and not giving up at the first sign of difficulty. Coming here and asking people to rubber-stamp your breakup is easy, that's what people here do. Try asking people in multi-year long-term relationships if it was always a fairy tale situation... none of them will say yes. You seem conflicted, you say you enjoyed spending time with him but also the spark wasn't there. The spark dies, it takes work to keep it lit constantly, and if there is a friendship and affection, sometimes that is what gets us through the tough times. Spark... spark... only in the movies is every day like a honeymoon. I get it when people in fire and brimstone relationships break up, or people who have been abused, cheated on, etc. But you said you enjoyed spending time with him. Sorry to say it, but you should have focused on the excitement of a new relationship with someone you knew, and hammering out the problems that caused the break-up before. I hope and pray you discussed the problems in the relationship with him, and not just relying on the sometimes vengeful and bitter advice doled out here. I say this from my own perspective. I put the kibosh on a relationship for reasons that seemed solid at the time, advice from "friends", and four months later, I see that one friend who i listened to probably has a crush on me; another friend was tired and half-asleep when I told him my problems and didn't give it the attention it deserved, and worst of all, me: fickle and expecting the moon and stars from someone who was doing all they could to make me happy. Yes, there are many other women out there, and the mistakes I made from breaking up with my ex will benefit me in future relationships, but right now, I can only rue that I didn't employ the same mindset in my previous relationship. Just one more wistful fool posting anonymously at night, take my word with a grain of salt. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) I decided to break up with him without really knowing if it was the right thing to do. I have immediate regrets because now I know we will never speak again and I really enjoyed spending time with him. The spark just wasn't there. He brought up a lot of points about my insecurities, which are true, and I am really worried I just sabotaged my relationship without good reason. I was afraid to take the next step and expected him to lead the relationship, all because of my uncertainty. Why was this breakup so difficult? Is there any way of knowing if it was the right thing to do? For all I know if I had stuck it out for another month or two I could have overcome my problems and developed those feelings for him again. My logic was that right now, I don't have those feelings, so I thought I should break up. Please tell me I was right Sounds like you're coming from the right place. It seemed like you were trying to force the square peg into a round hole a bit and it just wasn't vibing. I think you (and him) were so bent on rebooting the original relationship that this go really had very little chance. I think it's better for both of you to completely detach from each other and move forward independently. I think the both of you were always kind of looking backward instead of moving forward, which is why this didn't jell. I don't think reconciliations can work unless you flush out the past and start anew. I realize that's a difficult concept, but that's why reconciliations that are successful are rare. Going back to the old relationship is a fruitless enterprise -- why reboot something that didn't work. Reconciliations that work work because the parties involved have evolved, therefore their second relationship is unique from the first. Your gut was telling you that it didn't feel right and you trusted it. That's a good thing. Edited December 7, 2015 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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