LDR BF moved out of share house with his female housemate - what is this??

[JJP32]

My LD BF moved out of share house with female housemate

We have been together nearly two years. In January, he took a job 2000ks away and rented a room in a share house promising to fly home whenever he could and this was only until he could find a better job.

I have seen him five times since then - we chat or text every day & the love and connection were still strong... until this point. I cannot reconcile his recent decisions with a commitment to our future all of a sudden.

After he'd been away 3 months, this girl started popping up tagged on his FB time line - a young, stunning girl at that. I asked who she was & he told me she was one of the housemates.

He also had two male housemates, however the idea of him sharing a home with another girl who got to see him every day & hang out while I went months without seeing him really hurt and did not sit well.

He told me she was nothing to worry about and reassured me I was his one and only who he wanted to grow old with. I clarified that it wasn't the fear of them hooking up that was driving my problem with it, rather that it offended and trespassed on the place in his life I could not share and was dreaming about the day where I could see his goofy smile every morning & felt so unfair she had that luxury instead.

Months passed, and he came back to visit for a week. Day before he flew back he took a call about furniture being delivered to a new house instructing that his housemate Jess would sign for it.

I asked him about it & turns out they had moved out of the share house and we're setting up a new home together.

He told me he didn't make a point of talking to me properly about it because he knew I'd be upset.

So he paid all the bond, had bought furniture, and was signing lease day he got back.

I was so upset. I told him I was NOT okay with it, he needed to get his bond back before signing any lease and find somewhere else or tell her she had to.

He refused. Said she wasn't a problem. Made excuses. Paid $1400 for airfares so I could meet her that weekend and see for myself. I was ready to break up with him at this point.

I tried to be okay with it but I just couldn't. They both had told me very inconsistent information and the requirement for such shiftiness alarmed me.

I had to lay it out straight - one of them moves out and cuts contact or I couldn't be with him anymore.

More excuses and vague references to plans of finding another option at some stage.

How is anyone expected to be okay with this?

Edited December 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name

[Scarlett.O'hara]

How is anyone expected to be okay with this?

 

They aren't. Trust your instincts on this one. If it doesn't feel right, there is a good reason for it

[Lois_Griffin]

I had to lay it out straight - one of them moves out and cuts contact or I couldn't be with him anymore.

More excuses and vague references to plans of finding another option at some stage.

You GOT your answer.

 

Now back up your words. Don't issue ultimatums if you DON'T intend to follow up with them. It makes you appear weak and pathetic.

 

Find your dignity and move on.

[violetdiamond]

I completely agree with you. He is being unreasonable/illogical if he thinks that his LDR girlfriend is going to be OK with him living with another woman. You are justified in issuing the ultimatum that you did, no LDR girlfriend would find that type of living arrangement acceptable. Sorry this happened , hope it all works out in the end and he comes to his senses.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would have already broken up with him for deliberately hiding important information. When exactly did he plan to tell you he'd moved? Doing something like that behind my back would be a deal-breaker.

 

Sorry, but I think you should do what you promised and end it.

[JJP32]

My boyfriend and I were together almost two years. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has had issues with intimacy and last year broke up with me just before our first anniversary, because he was moving interstate for work and didn’t know what to do, but came back a week later all remorseful and full of love.

We have maintained a LDR since January 2015 with no dramas and remained committed and close and loving. It wasn’t until he moved out with a female housemate from his share accommodation in October that we began having serious issues. He had been very secretive about her and he refused to cease living with her. Yet swore I was the only one for him.

I threw him a surprise b day party new years eve, he was very touched. A few days later he told his mate at a family bbq after I’d left to put kids to bed that he was going to move the kids and I there to be a family. He came home to me the next morning and ended it with a bunch of cliched lines.

It has been 3 weeks. He wants to remain friends. I have struggled with it.

I don’t know what to think or do.. I love him dearly. His correspondence has been quite cold.

What is happening?

[kidm]

My boyfriend and I were together almost two years. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has had issues with intimacy and last year broke up with me just before our first anniversary, because he was moving interstate for work and didn’t know what to do, but came back a week later all remorseful and full of love.

We have maintained a LDR since January 2015 with no dramas and remained committed and close and loving. It wasn’t until he moved out with a female housemate from his share accommodation in October that we began having serious issues. He had been very secretive about her and he refused to cease living with her. Yet swore I was the only one for him.

I threw him a surprise b day party new years eve, he was very touched. A few days later he told his mate at a family bbq after I’d left to put kids to bed that he was going to move the kids and I there to be a family. He came home to me the next morning and ended it with a bunch of cliched lines.

It has been 3 weeks. He wants to remain friends. I have struggled with it.

I don’t know what to think or do.. I love him dearly. His correspondence has been quite cold.

What is happening?

 

What is happening? Your suspicions have been confirmed. His female housemate is probably his new love interest but he feels guilty for his actions so offering his friendship and having you stick around for that bull**** will help him alleviate some of his guilt. Cut off contact and move on. You may love him dearly but the feelings are clearly not mutual. He's been cold because he is no longer your boyfriend and doesn't have any desire to make you feel good. This is all about him. Walk away with your dignity. The writing is on the wall. Stop entertaining any contact from him.

Edited January 31, 2016 by kidm
Typos

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry that this is the update to your story, OP.

 

I think it's safe to say that your initial suspicions about this female housemate were correct. It very much sounds as though they have had something going on for a little while and that it factored into his decision to end your relationship.

 

Take some time to heal. Hard as it will be, you need to cut ties with him and protect your heart and your well-being. He's been jerking your chain long enough. Time to focus on you now. Hang in there, girl.

[RySant]

I've read your update but not the real story. I am sorry about this, OP as I feel for you. I can just imagine the hurt and the pain you feel. But yes, your suspicions are correct.

 

That is why you should never go on an LDR for this very reason.

 

P.S. Complete No Contact. Don't confirm if he's already with the flatmate as it will only add to your pain and nothing else. Assume the worse. Time will heal you. But only if you severe contact completely. Seeing his FB pics, or anything related to him will just make your heart jump.

 

Complete No Contact is the proven and effective method for healing. Good luck!

Edited January 31, 2016 by RySant

[JJP32]

Thank you guys. It was our anniversary today. I posted a really sweet fb status this morning pretty much openly acknowledging and accepting the relationship is over to everyone we know, but honouring the good things we shared and that we are two awesome people with too much distance between us to go about sharing our lives for a future - although we had - until this housemate issue anyway- maintained a loving and supportive LDR for almost a year. Said no regrets, only love and best wishes.

I said what I needed to say to him. Honoured some of the good moments we'd had and some funny ones. Told him I had to remove all I could of him from my life at least for awhile so that I can work through and reconcile my emotions to a strong standing point of my own. That would include his fb being blocked and contact details erased. That maybe we could end up friends one day, but not anywhere in the near future as I would be giving my emotional energy and focus to a situation that holds nothing for me. Said I wanted to give him a heads up and avoid u necessary hurt or offense. He talked to my little girl aa it's her first day of school tomorrow.. gave her such beautiful advice and kindness it broke my heart anew. I thanked him. I gave him an opportunity to say anything he might have needed to. He just said he understood and that it was nothing to do with his housemate "not what I want". Told him it didn't matter anymore, and I hope he finds what he needs to be happy. Then blocked his fb and phone number immediately.

[RySant]

Dear JJP32,

 

You are one hell of a girl! Ghad, I am so PROUD of you. And that is coming from someone from another side of the world! You have a strong emotional Intelligence and your eloquence stunned me. With your attitude alone, I can definitely say, you are one hell of a catch! You will find the right guy for you, and yes, block him in all things. I am glad you broke up amicably. Bet yes, don't expect or hope for a friendship as your sole focus right now is to heal and mend your broken heart. Life is full of surprises. 10 years from now, you will look back and say "Now, I know the reason why it has to happen." Don't believe me? Look at your life from 10 years ago and see if all the things you've gone through is unnecessary to shape and form the woman you are now.

 

Girl, you are one of the most intelligent woman I have ever encountered in this forum. And I just want to say these in writing as your kind is definitely rare in this world. I salute your girl power! Much loves to you!

 

RySant

[JJP32]

I sincerely thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. I may end up referring back to your reply if I'm having a vulnerable missing him moment & tempted to make contact again. I really have given that relationship a lot more time, dedication and good faith that was warranted since October and I can't bear to see how little he values or respects that - and me - anymore. I told him I simply can't be sad anymore - and that is where I was emotionally stuck for almost three months til now with no way through or compromise offered or allowed from him in a situation I couldn't be okay with.

I don't regret giving it my best effort for the last horrible part of it, I fought for what I loved and believed in until there was nothing left to do. And at least I was honest about it.

[RySant]

You will have your moments when you will attempt to break Non-contact. You are only human who loved. And it will come (the need to break non-contact) but that is your test of will-power. Remember, when you do break contact, you lose. You lose, because breaking non-contact will not bring him back, it will only make you go back to square one. Nothing else will happen but that.

 

So, if there is a need or craving for you to contact him or miss him, yes, refer to this thread. Focus on yourself and your kids, be determined, be disciplined, and just be ready for a new and better beginning.

[LongIsland]

Ummmmmm. Helllooooo. He's banging the girl he moved in with. I'm telling you 100%. If you think nothing is going on, you better guess again. My heart aches when I read this post. I'm also in a long distance relationship. If my man did this I would be heartbroken. Everyday he asks me when am I coming back. If you see her all over his Facebook, there is your answer. They both lived where they were to move in together. If nothing was going on she would of stayed where she was. They both are playing you for a fool. Lying to you. How can you sleep at night knowing they are together in a house? She could be walking around naked in front of him. Just reading your post I already know that are being intimate

[RySant]

Yeah, this also made my heart ache. That's why I believe that before you decide to do LDR, make sure that you really have a strong bond that is hard to break. Something that will withstand distance.

[JJP32]

He sent me a text a couple weeks ago informing me that his grandfather had passed away. As I had spent some time with him recording and transcribing his life stories - mainly of his service in WW2 - he felt I should know, and invited me to attend hia funeral. Feeling it would be out of place for me, I declined. He then shared some of his deeper feelings with me, and said he had never connected with anyone as he had with me. I told him that I still loved him and wished we could start again, leaving all the housemate instigated dramas aside and giving room for us. For friendship, for love, to have each others backs again. For the laughter and all we gave one another.

He said he would like to discuss it further over coffee when he got home.

We texted over the week once he was back but we didn't catch up until Friday night.

He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone. I reached for him and embraced him, we ended up being together after he had made sure he wasn't leading me on & that he made himself clear. It was still beautiful, intimate and full of love.

We have spent three such nights since together. He reiterated that he couldn't be tied down right now & no he wasn't interested in any one else. I told him I had never sought to tie him down & wasn't going to start now. But I told him that I loved him with my whole heart and don't want anyone else.

I feel that he is scared. But if I just give him what love he will accept from me, with no expectations, he will slowly feel confident to continue a relationship with me.

Advice?

[SoleMate]

Oh, JJP.

 

Obviously you two share something and there is a lot of good there. There's just not ENOUGH good - when weighed against the obvious negatives of unfaithfulness and dishonesty, plus his admission he has no interest in a 1:1 r/s - for this to be a monogamous and reliable relationship, which I believe is what you want.

 

Funerals, loss and sadness can cause weak moments. He got lonely and came to you for comfort. Now he has his comfort and I believe he will move on.

 

I feel that he is scared. But if I just give him what love he will accept from me, with no expectations, he will slowly feel confident to continue a relationship with me.

Advice?

Set a time limit so you don't waste your entire youth pining after someone who is not interested in monogamy. Or better yet, go NC right now and this time, stick to it. He's already shown you who he is. Yes, he has much good to him, plus this hard core of dishonesty and unfaithfulness that makes a satisfying relationship impossible.

[d0nnivain]

I feel that he is scared. But if I just give him what love he will accept from me, with no expectations, he will slowly feel confident to continue a relationship with me.

Advice?

 

 

Stop selling yourself short. His world view just changed with the death of his grandfather. Sex with you is life affirming but it's not love. He's not sacred. He's not going to fall back in love with you because you have been here for him in his time of need. When he stops grieving he will leave you because he'll be stronger & he will have no respect for you. After you told him you wanted a relationship, you slept with him anyway when he said he couldn't have one right now. You showed him that you don't value yourself.

[Zahara]

But if I just give him what love he will accept from me, with no expectations, he will slowly feel confident to continue a relationship with me.

Advice?

 

If only I had someone knock my head whenever I jumped on this train of thought. We often think that if he show them unconditional and bountiful love, they'll want us for the wonderful being that we are. If we cater and accommodate all their emotional needs, they'll see what a prize we are and want us. Nope.

 

The better way to go would be to love yourself enough to not allow someone to utilize you as a crutch while they make their transition. You're intending to sit around and wait for him to choose you? If anything, it's a clear sign to him that you will forego your self-respect just to appease him. Don't demote yourself. You're setting yourself up for pain.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this won't end well for you if you continue sleeping with him. He has been clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If you're okay with him putting you in FWB territory, proceed. But I would strongly advise you against it.

[kidm]

Oh gosh. He's not going to have an epiphany that you're the one for him. That happens in the movies. Reality is usually much more brutal. You've handed everything to him on a silver platter without him working for it and proving himself to you. Why would he commit when he's basically getting everything for "free"- your love, time, body, loyalty, etc. This will likely not end well. Sorry to say. Don't settle for someone or a situation that is not meeting your needs because all that does is let the person know you don't value yourself. He's not scared- he is a great spot- having his cake and eating it too!

Edited May 9, 2016 by kidm
typo

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Advice?

 

He has made his intentions perfectly clear. Prepare to go through the rejection and pain all over again.

[lana-banana]

You want advice? Wake up and get a grip. This amount of purple prose would humiliate a teenage girl! You're spinning in circles trying to craft a narrative where he's just this lost, damaged soul only you can mend with the power of your love. Meanwhile in reality, he laid it on thick and as soon as he got what he wanted he told you it was strictly sex. This guy has zero respect for you.

 

Is the part where he spent ages lying about his "housemate" not insulting enough for you? He used his grandfather's funeral as a pretext to get laid. He's worse than scum.

[justwhoiam]

JJP32, if not for yourself, do it for the kids. You have children. And they do not deserve to go through this emotional roller-coaster you decided to ride.

Cut ties with the guy. A guy wanting you back would WORK HARD for that, go out of his way and win you back. There's no other way. And since he made it 110% clear to you, making this deal with you where you had to confirm you approved of him not wanting to be with you and you being OK with having sex with him no strings attached, then you have no other option other than leaving all that behind you. You'll want him to hammer his b@lls till they crash (I know, sick image there, but good to picture as soon as you realize you were no more than a booty call to him).

 

So back to your children now. I'm sure you want no psychological damage done to them. You'd never forgive yourself for that. Be strong. And start the no contact again, and this time for good. No closure needed this time. You don't owe him anything. Don't even waste time explaining. Just do it.