cant get out

[jimmybronx]

hi everyone

 

i got myself into something and i cant get out of it now

 

so let me start, im married for 10 years and have a great son i love them both

 

almost 2 years ago i hired someone to who i was attracted at the first look, and then about a year later we started working late at the office together, having drinks together, and than we ended up doing more than that, which lasted for about 4 months and we decided to stop it because it was not sending us anywhere.

 

i will need to admit that the moments spent together are some of my best moments ever in my life, her energy radiation was putting me on a whole different level which i didn't experience earlier, and i have had double digit relations before my marriage short and long ones.

 

soon after that we agreed that it would be better if she resigns and she did (i took this one very hard i had a few days/weeks of stress) and said that we dont need to see each other again (hard comment)

 

as time moved on i tried to forget her but that was impossible i was remembering moments, chats, texts etc throughout the day and this had a huge impact on my day to day work, and yes on my mood but i tried to keep out of the family so i was acting like everything is ok

 

after some time i started to check her social media profiles and sometimes that helped i kind of felt better and sometimes that ruined my day and this was the time that i understood that it was not just an affair it was much more than that.

 

and for over 5 months we had almost 0 communication (few times only related to work short, straight and direct) other than that nothing, i was avoiding places i might see her, and even people who were friends of ours (though beside me and her nobody else in the world knows about the affair)

 

and when reaching the point that she started to fade out of my life i heard that now she is in a new relationship, this information killed me completely i had one of my worst weeks in my life i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't do anything.

 

so i decided to do the undoable, contact her and after few tries i met her and the few first minutes were quite tense and then the conversation started to smooth but we were both quite reserved and cold over the conversation ( but i kind of felt better and relieved because we said a few things to each other which should have been said maybe earlier)

 

as time moved on i was again thinking about her throughout the day and like two weeks later i ask her to meet me again, which she accepted and we have another interesting meeting friendly talk discussions about everything beside us and our relationship (which i think and she thinks its done and gone)

 

and as a result we started "very light" messaging, these 1-2-3 messages per day gave me some positive energy mostly, and to crash everything was when she posted a pic with her boyfriend, i just couldnt take it my heart was going crazy felt like it will get out my chest and again 2 nights with hard sleep as a result of a picture. (while the light messaging was still good)

 

and what made a total mess was, while i was having a meeting at a restaurant, a coincidence she comes there with a friend for lunch, and as great gesture i take their bill which than resulted with a very cold "thank you " and all the communication has been all to 0 almost since than.

 

so im kind of really messed up right now and i dont know what to do and how,

 

1. i tried to forget her for over 5 months and results were not great

2. i dont want to end up my marriage

3. i dont want a new affair or relationship with her

4. i would like her friendship (sometimes i think this could be risky)

 

 

your comments and advice would mean a lot to me, i really need to get out of this situation. thanks in advance to each and everyone.

[betrayedandhurting]

hi everyone

 

i got myself into something and i cant get out of it now

 

so let me start, im married for 10 years and have a great son i love them both

 

almost 2 years ago i hired someone to who i was attracted at the first look, and then about a year later we started working late at the office together, having drinks together, and than we ended up doing more than that, which lasted for about 4 months and we decided to stop it because it was not sending us anywhere.

 

i will need to admit that the moments spent together are some of my best moments ever in my life, her energy radiation was putting me on a whole different level which i didn't experience earlier, and i have had double digit relations before my marriage short and long ones.

 

soon after that we agreed that it would be better if she resigns and she did (i took this one very hard i had a few days/weeks of stress) and said that we dont need to see each other again (hard comment)

 

as time moved on i tried to forget her but that was impossible i was remembering moments, chats, texts etc throughout the day and this had a huge impact on my day to day work, and yes on my mood but i tried to keep out of the family so i was acting like everything is ok

 

after some time i started to check her social media profiles and sometimes that helped i kind of felt better and sometimes that ruined my day and this was the time that i understood that it was not just an affair it was much more than that.

 

and for over 5 months we had almost 0 communication (few times only related to work short, straight and direct) other than that nothing, i was avoiding places i might see her, and even people who were friends of ours (though beside me and her nobody else in the world knows about the affair)

 

and when reaching the point that she started to fade out of my life i heard that now she is in a new relationship, this information killed me completely i had one of my worst weeks in my life i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't do anything.

 

so i decided to do the undoable, contact her and after few tries i met her and the few first minutes were quite tense and then the conversation started to smooth but we were both quite reserved and cold over the conversation ( but i kind of felt better and relieved because we said a few things to each other which should have been said maybe earlier)

 

as time moved on i was again thinking about her throughout the day and like two weeks later i ask her to meet me again, which she accepted and we have another interesting meeting friendly talk discussions about everything beside us and our relationship (which i think and she thinks its done and gone)

 

and as a result we started "very light" messaging, these 1-2-3 messages per day gave me some positive energy mostly, and to crash everything was when she posted a pic with her boyfriend, i just couldnt take it my heart was going crazy felt like it will get out my chest and again 2 nights with hard sleep as a result of a picture. (while the light messaging was still good)

 

and what made a total mess was, while i was having a meeting at a restaurant, a coincidence she comes there with a friend for lunch, and as great gesture i take their bill which than resulted with a very cold "thank you " and all the communication has been all to 0 almost since than.

 

so im kind of really messed up right now and i dont know what to do and how,

 

1. i tried to forget her for over 5 months and results were not great

2. i dont want to end up my marriage

3. i dont want a new affair or relationship with her

4. i would like her friendship (sometimes i think this could be risky)

 

 

your comments and advice would mean a lot to me, i really need to get out of this situation. thanks in advance to each and everyone.

 

You've convinced yourself she is special and what you shared was more intense than any other person you've been with. The reality is what made it intense is every moment you spent with her you were and are risking the end of your 10 year marriage and an utter destruction of your life with your entire family including your son. You think your situation is unique but the reality is this sadly plays out everyday. Cut all contact. Tell your wife. Get therapy. Focus on your family and never again trick yourself into believing a fantasy because that's exactly what this was and is. You have no future there and the suffering is only just beginning.

 

How sad.

[CarrieT]

i got myself into something and i cant get out of it now

You can if you really want to. Tell your wife. Confess what has happened and unburden your soul.

 

1. i tried to forget her for over 5 months and results were not great

Of course they weren't great. You still wanted her.

 

2. i dont want to end up my marriage

I'm assuming you don't want your marriage to end. In that case, you need to read through the Infidelity forum extensively. There are dozens upon dozens of threads exactly like yours, explaining how to fix the situation you are in - which goes back to my first suggestion of confessing.

 

3. i dont want a new affair or relationship with her

4. i would like her friendship (sometimes i think this could be risky)

Well, #3 and #4 completely contradict each other. You want a "friendship" but don't want a "relationship?" Wrong on both accounts. You can't have a "friendship" with someone you have romantic inclinations towards or about whom you have to lie about with your wife. It NEVER works that way.

[LifesontheUp]

I honestly feel for your wife. Where does she figure in all this?

 

Oh and below, were you married and having an affair during your double digit relations before? You can't compare, read up on affairyland, thats exactly what you were in and to be honest, you really need to get some help because you have romantisced your affair so much you are not living in the real world.

 

i will need to admit that the moments spent together are some of my best moments ever in my life, her energy radiation was putting me on a whole different level which i didn't experience earlier, and i have had double digit relations before my marriage short and long ones.

 

Sounds harsh, but honestly you need to wake up before you lose the wife you say you want to keep.

[jimmybronx]

I honestly feel for your wife. Where does she figure in all this?

 

Oh and below, were you married and having an affair during your double digit relations before? You can't compare, read up on affairyland, thats exactly what you were in and to be honest, you really need to get some help because you have romantisced your affair so much you are not living in the real world.

 

 

 

Sounds harsh, but honestly you need to wake up before you lose the wife you say you want to keep.

 

@LifesontheUp just to clarify earlier relationships were before getting married and since i got married this is the one and only thing i did out of my marriage

 

the reason why i mentioned double digit was not to look like a star or something like that but just trying to be honest on the experience side and that i didnt get married by mistake (maybe hard to explain but i hope you get me)

[TaraMaiden2]

You need to address the posts which point out how unfairly you are treating your wife.

And you think you've carried this off without her suspecting anything at all? You think she hasn't noticed any change in you at all?

Think again.

What do you think she is, completely stupid?

Confession is the start of the cure.

 

But you have no idea what that 'cure' will mean you doing.

But hey, that's the gamble you take when you poke a pot you ain't got no business poking.

 

And your marriage was a mistake.

For her.

She married a man who obviously never stopped to think of the wider picture or the far-reaching consequences, but actually chose, deliberately, to betray and deceive her.

[privategal]

Sometimes in A you can truly fall in love and lose yourself.

Its an addiction, a drug..your missing you fix, missing that feeling of love.

Its newly over, the affair fog is heavy and if you do want it over you cant look at social media, and you've got to try and take steps to heal.

The memories and missing her are normal.

You will get alot of harsh words here...focus on whats relevant for you.

Confession is a personal choice.

Right now take a deep breath, slow down, figure out how to begin to move forward.

Since you didn't ask about your marriage I will assume you dont need advice and you ended A because you knew it was wrong.

So no preaching necessary.

It would be nice to be friends, I do think its RARE that the affair wont start again through that.

You've gotten some closure from her and its in a peaceful spot now if you want to now cut communication and get back to zero contact where you were healing well before...this might be the best time.

Go that route again...take it one day at a time and keep connecting at home.

Try therapy if you like, it may help.

Just know you aren't alone and can still have a good healthy normal life.

[oldshirt]

All the excitement and horny hormones that you get from an affair are like being addicted to crack. The "affair fog" that people mentioned are the fog that all those hormones and chemicals put on your brain so you do not think, feel or act rationally.

 

 

They also make you think that you are in love with your AP and that they are your real soulmate and that marrying your spouse was a mistake. that's called "rewriting history." When people do that they often become hypercritical of their spouse and start treating them disrespectfully.

 

 

Every time you talk to your AP or get a txt from her etc etc, it's like getting another hit of crack and it just keeps prolonging the addiction and affair fog.

 

 

The only way to get them out of your head and clear your mind is to go completely no contact (NC) forever and not look back.

 

 

It may take months but eventually the fog will clear, your brain chemistry and hormones will return to normal and you will be able to think and feel clearly and normally again.

 

 

Cont...

[oldshirt]

Unlike many other posters here, I do NOT think you should disclose the affair to wife at the moment. That may need to come in time, but I do not think now is the time because you are still under the influence and all it will do is cause more drama and hysterical feelings and this is your burden and your issue at the moment and I think you need to straighten yourself out and get yourself squared away and have game plan in place before pulling the rug out from under your wife's life.

 

 

I think you should immediately enter into individual counseling and figure out how and why all of this has happened and to get your head screwed back on straight and work out with a professional what you need to do going forward.

 

 

I think you should get professional guidance on how to move forward from this and come up with a solid rational plan and what to do and when.

 

 

Right now you are like a drug addict that can't think straight and any plan you come up with on your own is going to be the wrong one and will backfire.

 

 

Delete her contact info (don't waste your time and don't take another crack hit by telling her about it - just do it) and make an appointment with an individual counselor as soon as humanly possible and work with your counselor as far as how and when to disclose this with your wife and work out a plan for going forward.

 

 

If you start going off all half-cocked now, you really will be in a world of hurt in no time.

 

 

You are all messed up right now. Get professional help immediately and work with the professional on what to do from here.

[katielee]

Easiest way to clear the fog - confession. Would you want your wife to keep this secret from you? Love the mother of your son enough to allow Her to make a choice.

Keep working on yourself. Cunsuder why you have such strong feelings for someone who is complicit in betraying your family. She's not a good person

[Ladyjane14]

You need to study up on the physiological effects of infidelity. Try Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass or What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman.

 

What happens when you're in an illicit relationship is that your body is producing all sorts of hormones and other adrenal feel-good chemicals, which is patching over some other interior problem. Sometimes it's depression or anxiety. Sometimes it's actually a low self-esteem issue, even though the acting-out behavior is quite grandiose. Whatever the cause, the affair and the contact with the AP works like a drug, making you feel better for a short while. Then, of course, it wears off and you're looking for another fix.

 

You could dump your wife tomorrow, marry the former affair partner, and a year down the pike, you'd be doing the same damned thing... looking for a buzz.

 

The cure is fixing YOU. And these guys who recommended that you tell your wife aren't just saying it to be mean. You're probably going to need help, and you're certainly not going to be able to build meaningful, emotional intimacy within the primary relationship without having her on board. That said, not every betrayed partner chooses to continue in the marriage. It's a risk, one that can go either way.

 

What you've done so far is also a risk though. You might have been caught, (might actually still get caught). You've exposed your wife to the potential of disease without her consent, deprived her of emotional intimacy, and you've betrayed her trust. Those are the facts and they're pretty awful in the cold light of day.

 

A good starting place might actually be your medical doctor... get tested for STDs, talk about depression/anxiety, maybe see if a referral for psychological analysis is in order. You're not going to be telling him/her anything they've never heard before, believe me.

[anika99]

First off all, affairs are always intense and exciting and make the participants feel really good and really alive, otherwise nobody would bother having them so rest assured your affair is in no way special or extraordinary. Affair partners put each other on a pedestal and then mirror their mutual admiration to each other. This is like heroin to the ego, very addictive, but it's not love. You don't love and miss the OW, you love and miss the way she made you feel and you desperately want to feel that way again. You have an addiction to a feeling and I really think the way out of it is to tell your wife. That will bring you back to the real world in no time.

[privategal]

The persistence of tell the wife, tell the wife...

If my H had a breif affair and the good sense to end it...I wouldn't want to know.

Im fully aware everyone is different but one things clear to me...and not a popular school of thought here but if you get fired you dont need to disclose to your new employer in order to go on and rebuild a career and have a healthy life. Two people dont need to carry that mistake. Sometimes disclosure is right...not everytime again only my opinion.

[katielee]

But if your husband was stillaching for his AP, wouldn't you want to know? If you were fired you may not tell your new employer but you'd sure tell your spouse.

Edited December 6, 2015 by katielee

[katielee]

Additionally, nothing was stolen from your new employer if you got fired from

An old job. But intimacy and choice was stolen from the marriage

[Ladyjane14]

The persistence of tell the wife, tell the wife...

If my H had a breif affair and the good sense to end it...I wouldn't want to know.

Im fully aware everyone is different but one things clear to me...and not a popular school of thought here but if you get fired you dont need to disclose to your new employer in order to go on and rebuild a career and have a healthy life. Two people dont need to carry that mistake. Sometimes disclosure is right...not everytime again only my opinion.

 

The wife's not here asking the question though. The OP wants to know how to get over his angst. The way out is through. One way or the other, the dynamic changes.

 

There's this assumption among OWs and OMs that what the betrayed spouse doesn't know doesn't hurt them. That's a complete fallacy. Even when the betrayed person doesn't know why, they're typically already feeling the effects of having been deprived of emotional intimacy within the marriage.

 

Now, it's true that confession will cause damage, possibly irreparable. But whether she knows about it or not, the deed was done.. the damage has been done. The question is where do you go from there? She can't change any of the relationship dynamics that might have added to her wayward husband's susceptibility to infidelity. She can't help him overcome his inner demons if he's acting from a wounded psyche. She can't build her end of the bridge... when she doesn't know she needs to.

 

Hysterical bonding is REAL. And near the beginning, if a couple decides to proceed with reconciliation, it can serve the same purpose in chemical terms as the affair did. So, while the marital couple builds relational skills, they're also re-experiencing their own infatuation period, falling back in love as it were.

 

That's best case scenario, of course. But Conflict only comes in two flavors... constructive and non-constructive. Constructive conflict is an opportunity to solve problems. Non-constructive conflict is just argument for argument's sake, nothing changes.

 

Only the OP can decide if the risks are worth the rewards.

[ShatteredLady]

Out of interest, what's wrong with your wife & child? In what way have they disappointed or hurt you for you to do this to them? Is your family just not good enough for you? Were you bored? I often wonder....

 

My H had an affair. It's truly broken me. I've lost my love story, my reality forever changed. I shake & cry, sometimes thoughts make me physically sick. Oh I never knew just existing could hurt this much! My H hates to see me like this. As soon as he realized all he was going to loose he dropped the OW. He thinks we're going to make it...I'm not so sure. The pain is more than I can endure. I've lost my best friend, my love, my self respect.

 

It must be worth it though or why do it?!? I can't get over the fact that I wasn't enough, our FAMILY was less important than his 'high'. What's so crap about your family?

[Ladyjane14]

Out of interest, what's wrong with your wife & child? In what way have they disappointed or hurt you for you to do this to them? Is your family just not good enough for you? Were you bored? I often wonder....

 

My H had an affair. It's truly broken me. I've lost my love story, my reality forever changed. I shake & cry, sometimes thoughts make me physically sick. Oh I never knew just existing could hurt this much! My H hates to see me like this. As soon as he realized all he was going to loose he dropped the OW. He thinks we're going to make it...I'm not so sure. The pain is more than I can endure. I've lost my best friend, my love, my self respect.

 

It must be worth it though or why do it?!? I can't get over the fact that I wasn't enough, our FAMILY was less important than his 'high'. What's so crap about your family?

 

Not to get too far off the beaten path, but I'm curious... knowing all that you know now, would you be willing to go back to that period of not knowing? I mean, typically, the cheater is either openly hostile or vacant while they're gaslighting their betrayed spouse, so you're either dealing with an angry partner or an absent one. Either way, you're lonely and something smells wrong.

 

Would you go back to that if you could?

[fellini]

Not to get too far off the beaten path, but I'm curious... knowing all that you know now, would you be willing to go back to that period of not knowing? I mean, typically, the cheater is either openly hostile or vacant while they're gaslighting their betrayed spouse, so you're either dealing with an angry partner or an absent one. Either way, you're lonely and something smells wrong.

 

Would you go back to that if you could?

 

 

It's not always that black and white. Any couple married for many years, that stopped feeding their marriage carefully with a lot of intimacy, or more clearly, who shifted their focus on each other to dedicate themselves to their offspring, any of these two could easily be in an affair without the other knowing.

 

It's as simple as this: at home with the family vs. some hours during some days with the AP. And from what I have read here, this arrangement can go on what what seems like forever.

[Ladyjane14]

It's not always that black and white. Any couple married for many years, that stopped feeding their marriage carefully with a lot of intimacy, or more clearly, who shifted their focus on each other to dedicate themselves to their offspring, any of these two could easily be in an affair without the other knowing.

 

It's as simple as this: at home with the family vs. some hours during some days with the AP. And from what I have read here, this arrangement can go on what what seems like forever.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with that. I'm guessing you must be in the "it's-possible-to-be-in-love-with-two-people" camp. But when one is cheating on their spouse, they aren't just cheating them of honesty. They're cheating them of time, energy, and true intimacy. You can't keep secrets like that and be fully KNOWN by your partner.

 

The time and energy the cheater spends indulging their own fantasies and romantic interests is taken away from the person they promised to share it with. The cheater acts as a single, making autonomous decisions for everyone, while the betrayed lives within the parameters of a partnership that is no longer REAL. So, while Mr. or Mrs. Cheater is out doing their dirt... they are starving the primary relationship of closeness and intimacy.

 

Now, I do believe that marital recovery is possible. I even believe most often there are weaknesses in the primary relationship which added to the susceptibility of one partner stepping out. But I'm not sticking my head in the sand and buying into marital re-writes. There is NO EXCUSE good enough for cheating. We might choose to forgive... but the act itself is indefensible.

[fellini]

And I'm saying that a large percentage of marriages are starving themselves from time, energy and true intimacy in child centred, or work centred, or routine centred marriages.

 

It's not my idea. It's common knowledge that many people who marry settle after years of living the same routine.

 

Is it possible for some couples to stay really intensely in love after 10 years, to have the same intimacy they had from go, yes, but is it the norm, no.

And not because people get lazy, it's because it is not easy to both provide stability, be responsible, be there for a family, and maintain a certain level of erotic desire, mystery, intensity with someone you have shared a bed with for more than 3500 nights in a row. It's not about being "in love" with two people at the same time, it is about being "intoxicated" with something new, and carrying on with the known back home. It's obvious some people find this extremely easy to do, and to sustain, regardless of our opinions on the matter. These stories tell us this in every thread.

 

It's not a coincidence that a huge percentage of threads in LS begin with:

 

I've been married for 10 years, X children, ... and it either goes, I never thought I would cheat or I found out my spouse was cheating.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with that. I'm guessing you must be in the "it's-possible-to-be-in-love-with-two-people" camp. But when one is cheating on their spouse, they aren't just cheating them of honesty. They're cheating them of time, energy, and true intimacy. You can't keep secrets like that and be fully KNOWN by your partner.

 

The time and energy the cheater spends indulging their own fantasies and romantic interests is taken away from the person they promised to share it with. The cheater acts as a single, making autonomous decisions for everyone, while the betrayed lives within the parameters of a partnership that is no longer REAL. So, while Mr. or Mrs. Cheater is out doing their dirt... they are starving the primary relationship of closeness and intimacy.

 

Now, I do believe that marital recovery is possible. I even believe most often there are weaknesses in the primary relationship which added to the susceptibility of one partner stepping out. But I'm not sticking my head in the sand and buying into marital re-writes. There is NO EXCUSE good enough for cheating. We might choose to forgive... but the act itself is indefensible.

[Ladyjane14]

And I'm saying that a large percentage of marriages are starving themselves from time, energy and true intimacy in child centred, or work centred, or routine centred marriages.

 

It's not my idea. It's common knowledge that many people who marry settle after years of living the same routine.

 

Is it possible for some couples to stay really intensely in love after 10 years, to have the same intimacy they had from go, yes, but is it the norm, no.

And not because people get lazy, it's because it is not easy to both provide stability, be responsible, be there for a family, and maintain a certain level of erotic desire, mystery, intensity with someone you have shared a bed with for more than 3500 nights in a row. It's not about being "in love" with two people at the same time, it is about being "intoxicated" with something new, and carrying on with the known back home. It's obvious some people find this extremely easy to do, and to sustain, regardless of our opinions on the matter. These stories tell us this in every thread.

 

It's not a coincidence that a huge percentage of threads in LS begin with:

 

I've been married for 10 years, X children, ... and it either goes, I never thought I would cheat or I found out my spouse was cheating.

 

And my position is that regardless of whether they think they're sustaining the relationship back home, they're not. You're right that marriages can be starved for myriad reasons, but the betrayed spouse at home, whether they know it or not, is being robbed of real emotional intimacy. THAT's the love.. that partnership, that level of intimacy. They're being starved of the love. Real love can't be sustained when the cheater is out ****ing somebody else or even when his romantic focus is on someone else.

 

What I'm saying essentially is that even when they choose not to tell... they're not getting away with the crime. They've hurt the marriage and I don't know how they can repair that damage without owning it. How do you really bond with a person you no longer know or who doesn't really know you?

 

The OP can keep gaslighting his wife. That's his choice. But is he likely to revive the closeness he once had with her when he's cut her out of his inner life? Doubtful, if you ask me. She has no idea who he is. He's made sure of that.

[privategal]

And my position is that regardless of whether they think they're sustaining the relationship back home, they're not. You're right that marriages can be starved for myriad reasons, but the betrayed spouse at home, whether they know it or not, is being robbed of real emotional intimacy. THAT's the love.. that partnership, that level of intimacy. They're being starved of the love. Real love can't be sustained when the cheater is out ****ing somebody else or even when his romantic focus is on someone else.

 

What I'm saying essentially is that even when they choose not to tell... they're not getting away with the crime. They've hurt the marriage and I don't know how they can repair that damage without owning it. How do you really bond with a person you no longer know or who doesn't really know you?

 

The OP can keep gaslighting his wife. That's his choice. But is he likely to revive the closeness he once had with her when he's cut her out of his inner life? Doubtful, if you ask me. She has no idea who he is. He's made sure of that.

Eh...lot of ow's conplaining their mm is not there for them..dont write, call or see them barely cause they are so focused on the wife.

Your points arent wrong but their not gospel or absolutes. People have sex or emotional affairs and box them up and have full marriages.

In your minds eye a married couple is joined at the hip sharing deep emotion and long conversations and constant cuddling and affection if no affair is present? Thats unrealistic. They are usually in seperate rooms with hobbies, football, cleaning, calls with friends and family, errands, working on computer, kids...marriage is much more down to Earth and not the romantic fairytale always.

Not that it is a bad thing.

[fellini]

You cannot be starved of intimacy if you do not seek it. You cannot be starved of anything if you do not seek it in your partner.

 

This has nothing to do with being betrayed. In the majority of cases, which you seem not to want to take into account, the betrayed spouse sees negligible change in the WS. Why is this, because it's not that they are being starved, it is that they have lost their appetite.

 

But enough of the metaphors, because this metaphor of "starving" someone can only go so far. If a couple has lost their desire for the passion with each other, if each gets some emotional needs met throught work, through playing on the baseball team, or vicariously through their son's triumphs in soccer, this couple don't KNOW what they are missing because they don't miss it.

 

When ONE of them has a chance encounter with someone who starts to reignite this vaccuum in their emotional intimacy on a personal direct level, like a co-worker, they are suddenly drawn back into a world they have long ago forgotten existed. This is the moment of deciding to pursue these renewed feelings or not. Many affairs start this way. On the one hand, you have "my marriage was fine" (read we were content as we were without knowing it for years", and on the other hand "but this person was giving something my S was not", read: I stopped expecting my spouse to meet certain emotional needs long ago, but hey I like them now that this AP seems to make them work.

 

 

So to say that the betrayed is now "starved" of emotional intimacy only works on the level of "the betrayed continues to be starved of the emotional intimacy s/he agreed to allow to dwindle but has no idea his/her spouse has found a fresh source.

 

Of course this betrayed spouse quickly rediscovers it on Dday if WS survives dday and hyperbonding ensues.

 

And sorry, for me "real emotional intimacy" is not the REAL LOVE. A marriage is more than just the love, and certainly a lot more than the intimacy. When people allow the intimacy to fall away so that all is left are the couple of romps in the bed a couple of times a month, and have allowed the other aspects of their marriage to dominate (providing, children, arguments, house chores, building the extension, playing WII all hours into the night, GNO) then they are ripe for an affair. They are allowing an important, yes, very important aspect of their connection open to outsiders.

 

This, I believe, to be the basic story of established marriage affairs. And the phrase "I never thought I could cheat" or "I thought my S incapable of cheating" is part of that reality, not a coincidence.

 

10.8.20.114

And my position is that regardless

of whether they think they're sustaining the relationship back home, they're not. You're right that marriages can be starved for myriad reasons, but the betrayed spouse at home, whether they know it or not, is being robbed of real emotional intimacy. THAT's the love.. that partnership, that level of intimacy. They're being starved of the love. Real love can't be sustained when the cheater is out ****ing somebody else or even when his romantic focus is on someone else.

 

What I'm saying essentially is that even when they choose not to tell... they're not getting away with the crime. They've hurt the marriage and I don't know how they can repair that damage without owning it. How do you really bond with a person you no longer know or who doesn't really know you?

 

The OP can keep gaslighting his wife. That's his choice. But is he likely to revive the closeness he once had with her when he's cut her out of his inner life? Doubtful, if you ask me. She has no idea who he is. He's made sure of that.

[jimmybronx]

thanks to each and everyone for every second you have spent in here (not trying to be super polite but i really appreciate your valuable time and comments)

 

so going back to my thing,

 

i dont think the time is now (or maybe ever) to confess to my wife, she is super sensitive and it might be like adding fuel to the fire and i think things will go worse while yes at this time we are very happy and we have been having great time, so im not really thinking at all that this could be an option everytime i think this one as an option in my mind result is end of marriage which im not looking for,

 

i havent thought and im not thinking to end the marriage, we all do mistakes and mine was that one i guess but it has to burried and never to be mentioned

 

as some of you have mentioned was my wife suspicious, yes she was, i have been very careful with not leaving any tracks that might with me getting caught but yes she (and every wife i guess) knew when things were not good (every time) but i managed to give all different work related reasons why i was late, and why was she texting, or even why i was with her for lunch (i know all the comments i will be getting from you guys) but it happened.

 

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

 

and as i was going through all your comments i think im very near to make decision for NO CONTACTS with my AP

 

i know there were some questions directed to me, i will try to answer them a bit later.