cant get out

[fellini]

Three things,

 

1. "thinking you are very near NO CONTACT" is not what you need. You need to go NO CONTACT not as a strategy, but as action. You do it because you can, and because you must, because you WANT TO. If you are not totally committed to this, you will move in and out of NC for months, making excuses as to why you read her messages, why you had to reach out...

You need already to be in NC when you do it. NC is just the official statement of what you are already doing: disconnecting emotionally, physically and socially from another human being. This includes disconnecting from her INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD: the hardest part.

 

2. Those were not "mistakes" you made. At BEST they were "errors in judgement", but more likely than not, they were personal decisions you made. As such you need to ask yourself about a whole set of other questions that have to do with personal boundaries and your committment to your wife as a PERSON, not just your wife.

 

3. You may have loved your family, but you disrespected them, you disrespected your wife, and you disrespected yourself. You cannot say you respected them before, but now you respect them more. Respect is not quantifiable

 

Part of getting through your affair, and returning to your marriage whether you tell her or not is owning up to the the fact that you have behaved in an indignant manner. If you cannot see that, if you do not feel the loss of dignity in what you have done, they you are probably going NC on this affair, only to be vulnerable to opening your life to another down the road. You need to feel remorse for what you have done. And then do something about it.

 

 

thanks to each and everyone for every second you have spent in here (not trying to be super polite but i really appreciate your valuable time and comments)

 

so going back to my thing,

 

i dont think the time is now (or maybe ever) to confess to my wife, she is super sensitive and it might be like adding fuel to the fire and i think things will go worse while yes at this time we are very happy and we have been having great time, so im not really thinking at all that this could be an option everytime i think this one as an option in my mind result is end of marriage which im not looking for,

 

i havent thought and im not thinking to end the marriage, we all do mistakes and mine was that one i guess but it has to burried and never to be mentioned

 

as some of you have mentioned was my wife suspicious, yes she was, i have been very careful with not leaving any tracks that might with me getting caught but yes she (and every wife i guess) knew when things were not good (every time) but i managed to give all different work related reasons why i was late, and why was she texting, or even why i was with her for lunch (i know all the comments i will be getting from you guys) but it happened.

 

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

 

and as i was going through all your comments i think im very near to make decision for NO CONTACTS with my AP

 

i know there were some questions directed to me, i will try to answer them a bit later.

Edited December 7, 2015 by fellini

[TaraMaiden2]

i dont think the time is now (or maybe ever) to confess to my wife, she is super sensitive and it might be like adding fuel to the fire and i think things will go worse while yes at this time we are very happy and we have been having great time, so im not really thinking at all that this could be an option everytime i think this one as an option in my mind result is end of marriage which im not looking for,

I'm afraid that is the classic response from a cheater who frankly, wants it all their own way.

While you retain this information and refuse to reveal the truth to your wife, you are lying to her, which is almost as bad as actually having an affair in the first place.

You're not telling her, fundamentally, because you are scared of the consequences.

You are withholding truth form her and continuing to live a lie, thus depriving her of the respect you owe her. She has a right to know who she's married to, because continuing to keep the secret, cheats her of the opportunity to make her own mind up about what she feels she should do - and more importantly, what she expects of you.

So, much as you may believe not confessing is the best and most noble thing to do - it is merely more cowardice and betrayal.

 

i havent thought and im not thinking to end the marriage, we all do mistakes and mine was that one i guess but it has to burried and never to be mentioned

That's not your choice to make. You chose to do something that could potentially destroy your marriage. And now, you are again, denying the opportunity to your wife, to see things as they really are. Ending the marriage isn't solely your choice. Given that when you embarked on this affair, you never even gave a thought to the marriage, and its condition...

 

as some of you have mentioned was my wife suspicious, yes she was, i have been very careful with not leaving any tracks that might with me getting caught but yes she (and every wife i guess) knew when things were not good (every time) but i managed to give all different work related reasons why i was late, and why was she texting, or even why i was with her for lunch (i know all the comments i will be getting from you guys) but it happened.

I hope you mean that it happened because that's how you orchestrated it, not because 'hey, it just happened, I couldn't help it', because that would be bull. You systematically continued to betray your wife by piling lie upon lie.

You really believe she doesn't deserve a little dignity and respect from you, now?

 

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

This too, is bull. Had you even had a modicum of respect, you would, never have had the affair at all. You would have suggested counselling to your wife, and had the decency to talk to her about your unhappiness and unease, in the marriage. You had no respect at all, which means your love was seriously flawed too. If one could even refer to it in that term.

 

and as i was going through all your comments i think im very near to make decision for NO CONTACTS with my AP

As fellini points out this is worthless. His post says it all.

[Ladyjane14]

You cannot be starved of intimacy if you do not seek it. You cannot be starved of anything if you do not seek it in your partner.

 

This has nothing to do with being betrayed. In the majority of cases, which you seem not to want to take into account, the betrayed spouse sees negligible change in the WS. Why is this, because it's not that they are being starved, it is that they have lost their appetite.

 

But enough of the metaphors, because this metaphor of "starving" someone can only go so far. If a couple has lost their desire for the passion with each other, if each gets some emotional needs met throught work, through playing on the baseball team, or vicariously through their son's triumphs in soccer, this couple don't KNOW what they are missing because they don't miss it.

 

When ONE of them has a chance encounter with someone who starts to reignite this vaccuum in their emotional intimacy on a personal direct level, like a co-worker, they are suddenly drawn back into a world they have long ago forgotten existed. This is the moment of deciding to pursue these renewed feelings or not. Many affairs start this way. On the one hand, you have "my marriage was fine" (read we were content as we were without knowing it for years", and on the other hand "but this person was giving something my S was not", read: I stopped expecting my spouse to meet certain emotional needs long ago, but hey I like them now that this AP seems to make them work.

 

 

So to say that the betrayed is now "starved" of emotional intimacy only works on the level of "the betrayed continues to be starved of the emotional intimacy s/he agreed to allow to dwindle but has no idea his/her spouse has found a fresh source.

 

Of course this betrayed spouse quickly rediscovers it on Dday if WS survives dday and hyperbonding ensues.

 

And sorry, for me "real emotional intimacy" is not the REAL LOVE. A marriage is more than just the love, and certainly a lot more than the intimacy. When people allow the intimacy to fall away so that all is left are the couple of romps in the bed a couple of times a month, and have allowed the other aspects of their marriage to dominate (providing, children, arguments, house chores, building the extension, playing WII all hours into the night, GNO) then they are ripe for an affair. They are allowing an important, yes, very important aspect of their connection open to outsiders.

 

This, I believe, to be the basic story of established marriage affairs. And the phrase "I never thought I could cheat" or "I thought my S incapable of cheating" is part of that reality, not a coincidence.

 

10.8.20.114

 

I'm glad that whatever worked for you worked for you. People tell themselves what they need to hear in order to make that kind of betrayal okay. But the bottom line is that while there are lots of excuses a cheater might use to rationalize their behavior, they are starving their primary relationship of what it needs to thrive. The OP in his first return post tells us that his wife was suspicious, that he had to be careful with his lies.

 

It's true there are all sorts of distractions that come up during a long marriage, but when I'm talking about real intimacy, I'm talking about being completely KNOWN within the relationship. When your spouse is gaslighting you and taking your choices from you, you can't say you really know them. When you can't tell your spouse every part of your day, you can't feel really known. And when you don't feel known, how can you feel completely accepted?

 

This is intimacy of the mind, not just the body. It can't be divided. It doesn't tell lies. Infidelity requires that sort of division. It requires lies and hiding the truth of who you are at that moment in time. THAT is what the primary relationship is starved of... true intimacy, true friendship, true knowledge of the other person.

 

You're right when you say lots of people come here thinking that's the relationship they had. Turns out though, they didn't. They only thought they did. It's unfortunate, but I don't think many people know the difference.

[Ladyjane14]

thanks to each and everyone for every second you have spent in here (not trying to be super polite but i really appreciate your valuable time and comments)

 

so going back to my thing,

 

i dont think the time is now (or maybe ever) to confess to my wife, she is super sensitive and it might be like adding fuel to the fire and i think things will go worse while yes at this time we are very happy and we have been having great time, so im not really thinking at all that this could be an option everytime i think this one as an option in my mind result is end of marriage which im not looking for,

 

i havent thought and im not thinking to end the marriage, we all do mistakes and mine was that one i guess but it has to burried and never to be mentioned

 

as some of you have mentioned was my wife suspicious, yes she was, i have been very careful with not leaving any tracks that might with me getting caught but yes she (and every wife i guess) knew when things were not good (every time) but i managed to give all different work related reasons why i was late, and why was she texting, or even why i was with her for lunch (i know all the comments i will be getting from you guys) but it happened.

 

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

 

and as i was going through all your comments i think im very near to make decision for NO CONTACTS with my AP

 

i know there were some questions directed to me, i will try to answer them a bit later.

 

Tara is right.. you didn't respect your wife or your family. If you had, you wouldn't have done what you did behind their backs and you wouldn't STILL be obsessing over the former OW.

 

If you're determined to keep this hidden, that's your choice. It has it's own set of costs though, just so you know. You'll have to face your demons on your own and you'll always have a part of yourself hidden away, locked behind walls of shame. You'll never know if your wife would have forgiven you and accepted you back, warts and all, or if she'd have left you. You'll always have the threat of exposure lurking around the corner.

 

All that said, if you want over your angst about the former OW... you'll need to take your blinders off and really LOOK at her. This was a woman who was willing to **** another woman's husband, knowing that he had a kid at home, a woman who was fully capable of empathizing with your wife's feelings and chose not to. Spend a little time in contemplation of and sympathy for the poor bastard who's going to marry this woman who has no respect for marital boundaries. See her as an enemy to your wife and family.

 

And yeah... it's gonna feel a little weird to condemn somebody else for actions that you've committed yourself. But bottom line, your thought-pattern of rationalization for why it was okay to screw an employee needs a re-write too. So spend some time on that as well.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, and just because you are guilty doesn't mitigate the former APs repulsive behavior.

[katielee]

You're not telling her, fundamentally, because you are scared of the consequences.

You are withholding truth form her and continuing to live a lie, thus depriving her of the respect you owe her. She has a right to know who she's married to, because continuing to keep the secret, cheats her of the opportunity to make her own mind up about what she feels she should do - and more importantly, what she expects of you.

So, much as you may believe not confessing is the best and most noble thing to do - it is merely more cowardice and betrayal.

 

 

 

QFT! REad this again and again.

[katielee]

right now, you're wife thinks she's crazy because she suspects something but you are not letting her put her finger on it. This is emotionally abusive. Realize that "gaslighting" is a form of abuse. Of course she'll be angry. So WHAT if she's sensitive. You keep making decisions for her. Stop. Respect her enough to let her make her own decisions.

And, I'd like to hear your response to the couple posts that have questioned your attraction to someone who helped you betray your family. REalize it's not her - because she's not a good person - but IT (the addiction of being wanted).

 

OP - I am a fWW, I've thought the exact things you have. I was wrong.

[salparadise]

You can if you really want to. Tell your wife. Confess what has happened and unburden your soul.

 

...explaining how to fix the situation you are in - which goes back to my first suggestion of confessing.

 

For God's sake do not tell your wife! Unburdening your soul at her expense? No man, if you care about her and want to stay married you take this to your grave and protect her from the worst pain imaginable. If you tell her your marriage will either end right then, or it will never be the same. It makes no sense to punish your wife- protect her.

 

Find a therapist to help you work through it, understand why you were susceptible, forgive yourself and turn the page.

 

And go no contact- zero. Block everything and if you ever see her again pretend you don't.

[TaraMaiden2]

No. Sorry. THis is just more lying to pour oil on troubled waters.

It doesn't actually eliminate the undercurrent, and it's a risky place to be...

From what we have heard on this forum, keeping secrets of this kind does untold damage in the long run.

Oh sure, confessing has its own damage, but at least the truth is out and there's nothing more to hide.

 

That's always providing the cheater doesn't merely pile more lies on top to cover their a$$, or decide that it would be better to 'trickle-truth' rather than come clean, in full, immediately....

[katielee]

or if she discovers it for herself later... affair over or not, marriage probably is.

[Popsicle]

I'm in the camp of not telling your wife.

 

Look you're not going to leave your marriage, you haven't thus far for this other woman, so why are you making your life hard by hanging onto her?

 

Just let the A and all that go, forget about it, and go on with your real life.

[understand50]

No. Sorry. THis is just more lying to pour oil on troubled waters.

It doesn't actually eliminate the undercurrent, and it's a risky place to be...

From what we have heard on this forum, keeping secrets of this kind does untold damage in the long run.

Oh sure, confessing has its own damage, but at least the truth is out and there's nothing more to hide.

 

That's always providing the cheater doesn't merely pile more lies on top to cover their a$$, or decide that it would be better to 'trickle-truth' rather than come clean, in full, immediately....

 

Damage are done by affair in two ways.

 

The first is the affair itself, giving yourself to someone else and breaking your vows. Placing their health in danger, and disrespecting them in a basic and deep degree.

 

The second, is the lying, and trickle truth, by keeping things to yourself, and only telling the story with some of the parts, can drive the BS crazy.

 

Of the two, the second, I think is worse, as you know what you are doing and do it only to "protect" yourself. I think, many more couples could reconcile, but by lying and keeping things from the BS, just leads them to the point where they can never trust you again, and leaving you and the marriage is the only sane thing they can do.

 

jimmybronx, Think about the further damage you are going to do to your wife, your family and in the end to yourself. If you love her, she deserves the truth from you, and not from another source. The chances of you and her remaking your relationship will be better, if she hears it from you.

 

I wish you luck.

[jimmybronx]

im still working on the answers here, im just posting this one to tell everyone that im not a runner (but due to a busy schedule i will be writing tonight) and im not from the group who hides from the own actions, i have always dealt frontally with my actions

 

and im doing it even now.

[anika99]

The persistence of tell the wife, tell the wife...

If my H had a breif affair and the good sense to end it...I wouldn't want to know.

Im fully aware everyone is different but one things clear to me...and not a popular school of thought here but if you get fired you dont need to disclose to your new employer in order to go on and rebuild a career and have a healthy life. Two people dont need to carry that mistake. Sometimes disclosure is right...not everytime again only my opinion.

 

The physical contact between the OP has ended but the affair is still very much going on in his mind. His head and his heart is still very much involved in his affair. If the affair was in the past he wouldn't have bothered posting a thread titled "can't get out". So obviously the continued lying and secrecy isn't helping him get over it. He needs to tell his wife. She has been suspicious and she probably feels guilty for doubting his loyalty. I'm amazed at how many people think it's okay to mess with people's heads like that. The OP tries to say he and his wife are fine and happy yet his first post is a story of misery. He can't sleep because he is so full of thoughts about the OW.

 

What has his wife done to deserve half of a husband who plays dangerous games with her mind? She deserves to know that she is not crazy and that her intuition is telling her the truth. It's an awful thing to make a person doubt their gut feelings. It makes them feel like they can't trust their own judgement which causes them confusion and self doubt which will manifest in all manners of unhealthy ways. It's just a horrible thing to do to another person, worse even than the initial infidelity I think. Cheating is just about the cheater satisfying their own desire with very little thought or ill intent towards the spouse but the ongoing lies and gas lighting has an element of evil imo.

[privategal]

thanks to each and everyone for every second you have spent in here (not trying to be super polite but i really appreciate your valuable time and comments)

 

so going back to my thing,

 

i dont think the time is now (or maybe ever) to confess to my wife, she is super sensitive and it might be like adding fuel to the fire and i think things will go worse while yes at this time we are very happy and we have been having great time, so im not really thinking at all that this could be an option everytime i think this one as an option in my mind result is end of marriage which im not looking for,

 

i havent thought and im not thinking to end the marriage, we all do mistakes and mine was that one i guess but it has to burried and never to be mentioned

 

as some of you have mentioned was my wife suspicious, yes she was, i have been very careful with not leaving any tracks that might with me getting caught but yes she (and every wife i guess) knew when things were not good (every time) but i managed to give all different work related reasons why i was late, and why was she texting, or even why i was with her for lunch (i know all the comments i will be getting from you guys) but it happened.

 

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

 

and as i was going through all your comments i think im very near to make decision for NO CONTACTS with my AP

 

i know there were some questions directed to me, i will try to answer them a bit later.

 

 

 

basic 101,if you were gonna have an affair you should never let your AP text you at all when your wife or family could have been near you to see, nor let your wife feel your courting her over lunch. Those are just basic things you needed to keep a lid on and keep boundaries. Again not trying to teach you how to be an affair partner, but rather commenting that it seems your sloppy, you wife hopefully was the most valuable all along and her safety and mental well being should be evaluated and boundaries placed on your affair to support that all along.

 

I think your rushing to break this off because you've made a lot of mistakes and caused so much suspicion. You were just asking for a dday.

[privategal]

The physical contact between the OP has ended but the affair is still very much going on in his mind. His head and his heart is still very much involved in his affair. If the affair was in the past he wouldn't have bothered posting a thread titled "can't get out". So obviously the continued lying and secrecy isn't helping him get over it. He needs to tell his wife. She has been suspicious and she probably feels guilty for doubting his loyalty. I'm amazed at how many people think it's okay to mess with people's heads like that. The OP tries to say he and his wife are fine and happy yet his first post is a story of misery. He can't sleep because he is so full of thoughts about the OW.

 

What has his wife done to deserve half of a husband who plays dangerous games with her mind? She deserves to know that she is not crazy and that her intuition is telling her the truth. It's an awful thing to make a person doubt their gut feelings. It makes them feel like they can't trust their own judgement which causes them confusion and self doubt which will manifest in all manners of unhealthy ways. It's just a horrible thing to do to another person, worse even than the initial infidelity I think. Cheating is just about the cheater satisfying their own desire with very little thought or ill intent towards the spouse but the ongoing lies and gas lighting has an element of evil imo.

 

I think of it more in simple terms that the choice is his its not a rule to disclose, I disagree with disclosing and you make valid points but hes already said he didn't want to. That path is his choice and its fair, and I think over and over I read.. you need to tell your spouse and I always think it not the only way out nor the only option. I think its ok not to and will always stand by that. Even after my own EA I always knew the risk of it being exposed but I weighed it, and I made the choice, and we still thrive as a couple, and Ive never regretted it and I have forgiven myself and am fully aware of the selfishness and wrecklessness of the decision to have an A and I don't make choices on what other folks moral guidelines are. I choose my own path and the risks involved with my decisions.

[Mr. Lucky]

i think its really important to note that i loved and respected my family all the time but now i respect and love my family like never before

 

That you would post this proves you're not close to understanding what you've done and why you've done it. It also leaves you greatly at risk for further infidelity, either with your current AP or someone else.

 

I choose my own path and the risks involved with my decisions.

 

Would make perfect sense if you were single. When you're married, the risks involved with your decisions affect both partner's "paths"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[afoolto no end]

I am disappointed in you, you had a chance to stop this and you went back like the self centred person you are........don't kid yourself your wife knows on some level and if you don't come clean it will ruin any chance you have of a good relationship marriage with her.........why are you so afraid of coming clean if you say you are the kind of person accountable and responsible for his actions, you really aren't, you just want to get away with it all and keep her in your life .....shame on you.....

I think you should tell your wife and move on, she doesn't deserve someone who thinks this is right on any level, getting away with it is the cowardly way to deal with this.........let the OW go too, what right do you have to screw with either one of these women's lives, let them both go, you are the one that doesn't deserve either one.....

That is the right thing to do, a one time mistake like this is huge infraction on a marriage and someone's character, just thinking the way you do tells me this will never stop ..........you will always find a way to justify what you are doing because it's all about what you want and need, it isn't about either woman. it's about your selfishness it isn't even caring for either one....let them both go

[privategal]

That you would post this proves you're not close to understanding what you've done and why you've done it. It also leaves you greatly at risk for further infidelity, either with your current AP or someone else.

 

 

 

Would make perfect sense if you were single. When you're married, the risks involved with your decisions affect both partner's "paths"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

My spouse isn't perfect, nor is anyones. Hes going to lie to me, as I have to him, were gonna hurt eachother intentionally or not. Were not priests and nuns we are a married couple making it in a world where Ive come to learn is designed by society...not by us. The system is broken.

I thank you for your synopsis, Im sure the OP does as well, but I disagree.

Finally if someone says they love their wife and family, who are ANY of us to tell them they don't. He said he does. He said he gets it that he messedup beyond belief. This place is like church man, I love the the constant lectures on what someone HAS to do according to these boards and the speaking in absolutes constantly. If you want your marriage to work you HAVE TO..NEED TO....NOOOOO we didn't all marry the same spouse with the same religion, with the same inner workings.

We can choose to handle it how we feel will work the best.

And we all make mistakes.

[TaraMaiden2]

My spouse isn't perfect, nor is anyones. Hes going to lie to me, as I have to him, were gonna hurt eachother intentionally or not.

This is a sad description of your marriage. Had these been an indication of your relationship in your marriage vows, would you have recited them?

 

Were not priests and nuns we are a married couple making it in a world where Ive come to learn is designed by society...not by us.

Total tosh. If you choose to run with the lemmings and be like everyone else you describe, then don't blame anyone else for the decisions you make, because blaming others for YOUR faults is classic projection and abdication of responsibility.

 

The system is broken.

No they system is NOT broken. People know the system. They know the rules, but they choose to not follow them.

 

Finally if someone says they love their wife and family, who are ANY of us to tell them they don't. He said he does.

Yes, but sadly, his definition of 'love' does not line up with that of someone who remains faithful, loyal and loving to their partner, and sticks with their marriage, rather than stray. Please don't insult THAT person....

 

He said he gets it that he messedup beyond belief.

I don't think he DOES get it. The fact that he is still stuck on thoughts of his lover plainly demonstrates that.

 

This place is like church man, I love the the constant lectures on what someone HAS to do according to these boards and the speaking in absolutes constantly. If you want your marriage to work you HAVE TO..NEED TO....NOOOOO we didn't all marry the same spouse with the same religion, with the same inner workings.

Oh so now, you're not a lemming? Now you're different to everyone else?

Now it's not the masses who rule your thoughts, but it's an individual thing?

Make your mind up...

 

While I understand that solutions given here are not a 'one size fits all' matter, it has been demonstrated time and again that there is a proven formula to dealing with the aftermath of an affair.

We can choose to handle it how we feel will work the best.

And apparently you might choose to lie, and deliberately hurt your husband. Your own words. I find that a breathtakingly callous choice....

 

And we all make mistakes.

Deliberately having an affair, cheating on your spouse, lying to your partner and hurting them - is a choice. Not a mistake.

Edited December 7, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[ladydesigner]

My spouse isn't perfect, nor is anyones. Hes going to lie to me, as I have to him, were gonna hurt eachother intentionally or not. Were not priests and nuns we are a married couple making it in a world where Ive come to learn is designed by society...not by us. The system is broken.

I thank you for your synopsis, Im sure the OP does as well, but I disagree.

Finally if someone says they love their wife and family, who are ANY of us to tell them they don't. He said he does. He said he gets it that he messedup beyond belief. This place is like church man, I love the the constant lectures on what someone HAS to do according to these boards and the speaking in absolutes constantly. If you want your marriage to work you HAVE TO..NEED TO....NOOOOO we didn't all marry the same spouse with the same religion, with the same inner workings.

We can choose to handle it how we feel will work the best.

And we all make mistakes.

 

What system? Marriage?

 

I would like to think it is basic common sense not to hurt another human being.

 

I get what you are saying privategal, but it seems you are excusing and glossing over how tragic an A is to EVERYONE and there are 2 people running the circus show, not the BS.

[privategal]

I think your all great and wonderful well intentioned people but it becomes exhausting to debate. Simply put, I like being married, I love it in fact and Id not like to debate or defend my stance or try and surmise what anyone else may believe. Sorry to have fueled a debate but Id rather not. I think my views on my marriage are perfect...for ME and no matter what was said or illustrated by each of you, Id probably not listen or agree to your side.

Its by my own mistakes and life experience I learn. all of this back and forth is always exhausting and doesn't feel right to me. I almost never agree with any of the advice or theories here, but that's ok. Its ok to disagree for all of us. Im tapping out so the OP can get some more advice, sorry to have thread jacked sir, I didn't mean to, I got off the beaten path when my intent was to defend OP a bit, but now its becoming personal to me and I don't wish to expose my marriage beliefs anymore but to quietly stand by them. I don't like posting anymore at all and I keep forgetting that and posting. Thank you.

[salparadise]

if someone says they love their wife and family, who are ANY of us to tell them they don't. He said he does. He said he gets it that he messedup beyond belief.

 

^ Exactly.

 

This place is like church man, I love loathe the the constant lectures on what someone HAS to do according to these boards and the speaking in absolutes constantly. If you want your marriage to work you HAVE TO..NEED TO....NOOOOO we didn't all marry the same spouse with the same religion, with the same inner workings.

We can choose to handle it how we feel will work the best.

 

Yup. Like a bunch of little Jimmy Swaggart bobbleheads, preaching' and sweatin' and pounding their fists... as if they are all-knowing moralists destined to save the world by telling everyone that their way is the only way... because it came to them in a vision while they were banging a prostitute.

 

He made a bad mistake, and if possible, a kind, compassionate person would spare his wife the suffering... unburdening his soul at her expense won't clear his conscience or in any way make it better. It will just multiply the pain and make his innocent wife suffer needlessly.

 

It's his decision to make. Nobody should be trying to shame or moralize him into hurting his wife. There is no absolute right or wrong answer... and certainly not the right of a bunch of bobbleheads to decide for him.

[katielee]

 

He made a bad mistake,

 

this makes me laugh...

wonder if his wife would see it as a "mistake."

 

the wife's already suffering, sal, how about he let her know that her "gut" is right. What else does she have, right now, but a marriage with lies and a husband pining after someone else. Guess i'd want to know that.

 

and he has already hurt his wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's his decision to make. Nobody should be trying to shame or moralize him into hurting his wife. There is no absolute right or wrong answer... and certainly not the right of a bunch of bobbleheads to decide for him.

 

This is a straw man argument that has nothing to do with the reality of the OP's situation. Yes, there are no absolutes just as there is no true North. And yet somehow most clear-thinking people in our hemisphere know to head away from the equator and towards the pole.

 

Not telling his wife and the self-serving position of thinking she doesn't deserve to know are two different things. And cheating on his wife while claiming he's respecting his relationship with her are two contradictory things. That's an absolute ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Finally if someone says they love their wife and family, who are ANY of us to tell them they don't.

 

I agree with this bit of your post privategal. One thing that upsets me on LS is the way some people try to define what love is. Of all the things that individuals should be permitted to define for themselves, it is the way they love. Is an affair a loving action? No, not particularly. Does that mean that there is no love in the marriage? No.