cant get out

[ladydesigner]

^ Exactly.

 

 

 

Yup. Like a bunch of little Jimmy Swaggart bobbleheads, preaching' and sweatin' and pounding their fists... as if they are all-knowing moralists destined to save the world by telling everyone that their way is the only way... because it came to them in a vision while they were banging a prostitute.

 

He made a bad mistake, and if possible, a kind, compassionate person would spare his wife the suffering... unburdening his soul at her expense won't clear his conscience or in any way make it better. It will just multiply the pain and make his innocent wife suffer needlessly.

 

It's his decision to make. Nobody should be trying to shame or moralize him into hurting his wife. There is no absolute right or wrong answer... and certainly not the right of a bunch of bobbleheads to decide for him.

 

That's laughable are you a WS or OM?

[jimmybronx]

a big wooow

 

i may sound as harsh as some of you sound here, but looks like some of you are in a worse situation and you need more help then i

 

i personally think that the conversation should have a positive vibe especially knowing that we all have enough internal negative energy

 

i came here for 2 reasons first and most important to get some feedback on how to change my mind behavior and second i could talk and share my story and debate over it

 

and among some very good ideas the constant one coming up is

 

TELL YOUR WIFE

 

now this may sound ok to some of you, but as i wrote earlier telling my wife is out of the options because

1. 90% our marriage will be over right away

2. even if decide to stay together our marriage will never be the same

3. it will destroy my sons world

 

and as some of you were saying its better that she knows and bla bla i think and i have a very strong opinion on this one that it better stays on me forever and i deal with it than the other two people as well

 

and i do think that you guys should stop pushing others as well to tell their partner about the affair because to me it looks like going from a fire to a volcano you're not helping with that one thats for sure.

 

the moment you share that with your partner that you have cheated no way your life will be the same, every time all the time than there will be extra suspicion or talk or debate or even jokes

 

and if you get caught deal with it than, and its a complete different scenario

 

last thing related i dont believe any of you here that you dont have some secrets, that you hide something for years from you partners we all do even some very small things its human nature

[jimmybronx]

finaly i had the time to answer most of the questions and comments

 

Unlike many other posters here, I do NOT think you should disclose the affair to wife at the moment. That may need to come in time, but I do not think now is the time because you are still under the influence and all it will do is cause more drama and hysterical feelings and this is your burden and your issue at the moment and I think you need to straighten yourself out and get yourself squared away and have game plan in place before pulling the rug out from under your wife's life.

 

i fully agree not the time now it will make things go bad while im trying to make better and i cant afford to my self more negative energy time, im trying to recover

 

 

I think you should immediately enter into individual counseling and figure out how and why all of this has happened and to get your head screwed back on straight and work out with a professional what you need to do going forward.

 

 

I think you should get professional guidance on how to move forward from this and come up with a solid rational plan and what to do and when.

 

my first try was here, instead of professional one,

 

 

Right now you are like a drug addict that can't think straight and any plan you come up with on your own is going to be the wrong one and will backfire.

 

i fully agree i am like a drug addict, in many cases i cant think straight, i cant focus on my things and i cant get things done and this killing me even more, and on top during the 18 hour (while awake) i will think about AP like 10-15 times and this is a serious problem i need solve ASAP

 

 

Easiest way to clear the fog - confession. Would you want your wife to keep this secret from you? Love the mother of your son enough to allow Her to make a choice.

Keep working on yourself. Cunsuder why you have such strong feelings for someone who is complicit in betraying your family. She's not a good person

 

ok as i posted earlier confession is out of options for the time being

allowing her to make a choice at this time as said earlier i know the result

im working on myself, and i hope to have results

the question to which i can not find and answer for a very long time is

 

why you have such strong feelings for someone?

 

im not an emotional person, im quite cold blooded, very serious, never had emotional connection prior to my wife and now... and im a person i have answers to everything...beside this one why do i have such strong feelings about somebody who was in a position to destroy my family?

 

 

 

Out of interest, what's wrong with your wife & child? In what way have they disappointed or hurt you for you to do this to them? Is your family just not good enough for you? Were you bored? I often wonder....

 

happy you asked, nothing wrong with them,

i know it sounds bad but it happened,

my family is a great family and i live for them and i provide for them

was i bored? i dont know, i dont think so i have had one of busiest years in my 20 year of company management i have had very dynamic life

 

 

My H had an affair. It's truly broken me. I've lost my love story, my reality forever changed. I shake & cry, sometimes thoughts make me physically sick. Oh I never knew just existing could hurt this much! My H hates to see me like this. As soon as he realized all he was going to loose he dropped the OW. He thinks we're going to make it...I'm not so sure. The pain is more than I can endure. I've lost my best friend, my love, my self respect.

 

It must be worth it though or why do it?!? I can't get over the fact that I wasn't enough, our FAMILY was less important than his 'high'. What's so crap about your family?

 

sorry to hear that, without trying to change the positions here but assuming that that affair between your H and his AP ended and you didnt know wouldnt your life be happier and better now, im nnot trying to open another dimension just want your opinion if you would be ok not knowing it (knowing that affair is over)

 

 

For God's sake do not tell your wife! Unburdening your soul at her expense? No man, if you care about her and want to stay married you take this to your grave and protect her from the worst pain imaginable. If you tell her your marriage will either end right then, or it will never be the same. It makes no sense to punish your wife- protect her.

 

Find a therapist to help you work through it, understand why you were susceptible, forgive yourself and turn the page.

 

And go no contact- zero. Block everything and if you ever see her again pretend you don't.

 

thanks im just trying to avoid the therapist for the time being i dont know why

as i wrote earlier i had 5 months of almost no contact while feeling almost the same

 

 

or if she discovers it for herself later... affair over or not, marriage probably is.

 

if she discowers its a different scenario and there are 2 people who must admit that thing happened and i believe me addmiting it is almost impossible, my AP i think she will not admit it it either and we are the only human beings who knwo what hapened between us.

 

I'm in the camp of not telling your wife.

 

Look you're not going to leave your marriage, you haven't thus far for this other woman, so why are you making your life hard by hanging onto her?

 

Just let the A and all that go, forget about it, and go on with your real life.

 

thanks, ok 5 months i had no contact and the feelings were at the same level unfortinately, as i was checking my options i came up with the idea ok if she becomes my friend with whom i might have a drink 1 month, chat 2-3 times a month could help me heal and slovly get her out of my mind, especialy knowing that she is now in an another relationship, and i have no other intenstions beside friendship

 

basic 101,if you were gonna have an affair you should never let your AP text you at all when your wife or family could have been near you to see, nor let your wife feel your courting her over lunch. Those are just basic things you needed to keep a lid on and keep boundaries. Again not trying to teach you how to be an affair partner, but rather commenting that it seems your sloppy, you wife hopefully was the most valuable all along and her safety and mental well being should be evaluated and boundaries placed on your affair to support that all along.

 

I think your rushing to break this off because you've made a lot of mistakes and caused so much suspicion. You were just asking for a dday.

 

ok, so first things first

we were working together and we had a lot of projects at the same time, the nature of work requires constant updates and communication between Project Managers and as we were having constant communication and because she was attractive and as my wife used to say totally your type that created the suspcicion even befire anything happened

lunch again its related to work, believe im not that stupid or careless to go out for a lunch with an AP,

 

no i cant agree with you that i made mistakes and im trying to run out, our afair reached the point where both of us knew we are wrong and that this relationship has no future i was not going to leave my family and she had to move on,

 

so after cooling down a bit she for another month or so and than we decided together its better for us if she moves on somewhere else.

 

I am disappointed in you, you had a chance to stop this and you went back like the self centred person you are........don't kid yourself your wife knows on some level and if you don't come clean it will ruin any chance you have of a good relationship marriage with her.........why are you so afraid of coming clean if you say you are the kind of person accountable and responsible for his actions, you really aren't, you just want to get away with it all and keep her in your life .....shame on you.....

I think you should tell your wife and move on, she doesn't deserve someone who thinks this is right on any level, getting away with it is the cowardly way to deal with this.........let the OW go too, what right do you have to screw with either one of these women's lives, let them both go, you are the one that doesn't deserve either one.....

That is the right thing to do, a one time mistake like this is huge infraction on a marriage and someone's character, just thinking the way you do tells me this will never stop ..........you will always find a way to justify what you are doing because it's all about what you want and need, it isn't about either woman. it's about your selfishness it isn't even caring for either one....let them both go

 

wow i was expecting everything beside a comment like this

 

let them both go, you are the one that doesn't deserve either one

 

im not a criminal, i didnt kill anyone, i made a mistake

 

im not trying to justify or to move on, but sometime we the human beings are created as such to get wawy with it

 

everyday people cross on the red light, do not stop at stop sign, take drugs, sell drugs, fight etc and all of these can result on taking other peoples life which has a stronger meaning then me that has an Afair telling to myself that it was wrong stopping it and trying to move on, my actions could have had impact on many people and thats why i decided to change this,

 

but yes i do care for my family a lot

 

and i cam here looking for advice on how to move out from a problem i have and not telling me how bad i am please...read what you have written and read it again and again and do put your personal feelings or problems over to somebody else

[OpenBook]

i fully agree i am like a drug addict, in many cases i cant think straight, i cant focus on my things and i cant get things done and this killing me even more, and on top during the 18 hour (while awake) i will think about AP like 10-15 times and this is a serious problem i need solve ASAP...

 

im working on myself, and i hope to have results

the question to which i can not find and answer for a very long time is

 

why you have such strong feelings for someone?

 

im not an emotional person, im quite cold blooded, very serious, never had emotional connection prior to my wife and now... and im a person i have answers to everything...beside this one why do i have such strong feelings about somebody who was in a position to destroy my family?

 

You don't have to have all the answers to everything. Especially not matters of the heart. The heart is such a fickle, treacherous thing. And the feelings emanating out of the heart reflect that underlying instability. I think that's why we (the human race) have marriage as the bedrock foundation of a civilized society. It provides a stable anchor for our lives. And if you have a good mate by your side (and it sounds like you do, jimmy) - well, you're doing better than the majority of us.

 

In short, I think you're placing too much significance on your feelings about the AP. They'll pass. It's not a good idea to make life decisions based on your feelings. Those treacherous feelings have a way of projecting your hopes, desires and ideals onto another person whom you really don't know all that well. That's quite a risky bet. And totally unfair to the AP and especially your W.

 

And from what I've heard from longtime-married people, marriages go thru good and bad years. It's a roller-coaster. Which means what goes down, will come back up. A constant cycle of dying and renewal. If you have the wherewithal to hang in there and nurture/sustain it while forsaking all others, it's well worth it.

 

my family is a great family and i live for them and i provide for them

was i bored? i dont know, i dont think so i have had one of busiest years in my 20 year of company management i have had very dynamic life

 

It sounds like things are going really well in your career. Maybe while riding that wave and milking everything that came your way, your AP was just a part of that? It could explain the unexpected strength of your feelings for her. Again, feelings that are fickle and will change over time.

 

thanks, ok 5 months i had no contact and the feelings were at the same level unfortinately, as i was checking my options i came up with the idea ok if she becomes my friend with whom i might have a drink 1 month, chat 2-3 times a month could help me heal and slovly get her out of my mind, especialy knowing that she is now in an another relationship, and i have no other intenstions beside friendship...

 

I think you're just trying to hold onto the "magic" here without actually stepping over the line into infidelity. Since your feelings for the AP are obviously strong and causing you internal conflicts, it would be easier (on yourself!) to have as little contact with her as you can possibly manage. This whole situation isn't doing you any good.

[Ladyjane14]

finaly i had the time to answer most of the questions and comments

 

 

 

i fully agree not the time now it will make things go bad while im trying to make better and i cant afford to my self more negative energy time, im trying to recover

 

 

 

 

my first try was here, instead of professional one,

 

 

 

 

i fully agree i am like a drug addict, in many cases i cant think straight, i cant focus on my things and i cant get things done and this killing me even more, and on top during the 18 hour (while awake) i will think about AP like 10-15 times and this is a serious problem i need solve ASAP

 

 

 

 

ok as i posted earlier confession is out of options for the time being

allowing her to make a choice at this time as said earlier i know the result

im working on myself, and i hope to have results

the question to which i can not find and answer for a very long time is

 

why you have such strong feelings for someone?

 

im not an emotional person, im quite cold blooded, very serious, never had emotional connection prior to my wife and now... and im a person i have answers to everything...beside this one why do i have such strong feelings about somebody who was in a position to destroy my family?

 

 

 

 

 

happy you asked, nothing wrong with them,

i know it sounds bad but it happened,

my family is a great family and i live for them and i provide for them

was i bored? i dont know, i dont think so i have had one of busiest years in my 20 year of company management i have had very dynamic life

 

 

 

 

sorry to hear that, without trying to change the positions here but assuming that that affair between your H and his AP ended and you didnt know wouldnt your life be happier and better now, im nnot trying to open another dimension just want your opinion if you would be ok not knowing it (knowing that affair is over)

 

 

 

 

thanks im just trying to avoid the therapist for the time being i dont know why

as i wrote earlier i had 5 months of almost no contact while feeling almost the same

 

 

 

 

if she discowers its a different scenario and there are 2 people who must admit that thing happened and i believe me addmiting it is almost impossible, my AP i think she will not admit it it either and we are the only human beings who knwo what hapened between us.

 

 

 

thanks, ok 5 months i had no contact and the feelings were at the same level unfortinately, as i was checking my options i came up with the idea ok if she becomes my friend with whom i might have a drink 1 month, chat 2-3 times a month could help me heal and slovly get her out of my mind, especialy knowing that she is now in an another relationship, and i have no other intenstions beside friendship

 

 

 

ok, so first things first

we were working together and we had a lot of projects at the same time, the nature of work requires constant updates and communication between Project Managers and as we were having constant communication and because she was attractive and as my wife used to say totally your type that created the suspcicion even befire anything happened

lunch again its related to work, believe im not that stupid or careless to go out for a lunch with an AP,

 

no i cant agree with you that i made mistakes and im trying to run out, our afair reached the point where both of us knew we are wrong and that this relationship has no future i was not going to leave my family and she had to move on,

 

so after cooling down a bit she for another month or so and than we decided together its better for us if she moves on somewhere else.

 

 

 

wow i was expecting everything beside a comment like this

 

let them both go, you are the one that doesn't deserve either one

 

im not a criminal, i didnt kill anyone, i made a mistake

 

im not trying to justify or to move on, but sometime we the human beings are created as such to get wawy with it

 

everyday people cross on the red light, do not stop at stop sign, take drugs, sell drugs, fight etc and all of these can result on taking other peoples life which has a stronger meaning then me that has an Afair telling to myself that it was wrong stopping it and trying to move on, my actions could have had impact on many people and thats why i decided to change this,

 

but yes i do care for my family a lot

 

and i cam here looking for advice on how to move out from a problem i have and not telling me how bad i am please...read what you have written and read it again and again and do put your personal feelings or problems over to somebody else

 

Exposing your wife to potentially deadly and permanent diseases without her knowledge or consent, lying to her face about who you are and what you're capable of, are not "mistakes" and they're not in the category of a "cross at the red light".

 

I noticed that you didn't respond to my suggestion that you really LOOK at the kind of person the OW is. She's not a nice person... and neither are you. THAT is the ugly truth. Nice people don't lie, cheat, and risk the health and safety of others just for their own selfish whims.

 

That's not to say that life is static and that people can't change. You can't do that though if you're still sitting around treating adultery like you were just jaywalking. It requires A LOT more introspection than that. And you already KNOW it. If you didn't, you wouldn't be hell bent on continuing to hide the truth from your wife.

 

So, whatever. Keep the secret from her if that's your choice; live with the consequences. But maybe you should STOP lying to yourself, stop the interior rationalizations that made cheating okay, and really look at what happened without the rose-tinted glasses. The first step out of the fog is opening your eyes.

[fellini]

You made mistakes not putting up barriers to your relationship with a co-worker.

 

Mistakes if you never intended this to go anywhere.

 

But the moment you turned your relationship into a secret, and your secret into an affair, you can call them "mistakes" but they are clearly of a different order, because you made fundamental life decisions knowing them to be wrong.

 

Confession is not the road to getting this woman out of your mind, it is one, but it's just more destruction, as you pointed out.

 

Even if you confessed, you would still have the problem of extracting this AP from your brain. And that does not come with confession.

 

If you are not going to tell, and I have no idea if you should or not because the details matter in this regard, then you need to do everything you can to ensure that this break is clean and airtight. If for some reason down the road, a confession ocurrs, or discovery ensues, you need to be able to show what you are claiming: That you arrived at the conclusion that the Affair had no future, you no interest in continuing it, and you made a clean break and never looked back and never looked sideways again.

 

Anything less than that spells disaster regardless.

[wmacbride]

And my position is that regardless of whether they think they're sustaining the relationship back home, they're not. You're right that marriages can be starved for myriad reasons, but the betrayed spouse at home, whether they know it or not, is being robbed of real emotional intimacy. THAT's the love.. that partnership, that level of intimacy. They're being starved of the love. Real love can't be sustained when the cheater is out ****ing somebody else or even when his romantic focus is on someone else.

 

What I'm saying essentially is that even when they choose not to tell... they're not getting away with the crime. They've hurt the marriage and I don't know how they can repair that damage without owning it. How do you really bond with a person you no longer know or who doesn't really know you?

 

The OP can keep gaslighting his wife. That's his choice. But is he likely to revive the closeness he once had with her when he's cut her out of his inner life? Doubtful, if you ask me. She has no idea who he is. He's made sure of that.

 

 

From a purely pragmatic point of view, a bs has every right to know information about what is going on in his or her life, so that they can make decisions about it.

 

Right now, he has exposed he to a whole world of heartache and she doesn't even know it. His ex ow could have given him and std, she could be bats@t crazy, she could have gotten pregnant, etc. and his bs would know nothing until it slaps her n the face.

 

Right now, she probably knows something is up, and it's hurting her a little bit more very day- death by a thousand cuts- but she doesn't know what it is. if she asks him, and he lies, what will that do to her?

 

Instead of having and A, what if a spouse was taking money form the family's finances and gambling with it, hiding this from is wife. Shouldn't she have the right to know?

[katielee]

OP - you already know my stance on confession. And for the record, the fog cleared immediately once I confessed, so my experience is different than the one fellini suggests. Also, do you really wanna be the guy who has to trick someone into staying married to them? You mention your son. You can't have true intimacy with someone you keep secrets from. And you are modeling this intimacy in your marriage for him. Do you want that?

 

You also need to realize you do not have feelings for this person, you have feelings for the good way she made you feel about yourself. It has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you receiving some validation you can't seem to give yourself. THAT is what you need to work on in IC. Once you come to that conclusion, you'll figure out that she is NOT a good person. Imagine what it would be like married or in a relationship with someone who is a known liar and participator in a lying scheme. Not good.

 

Please get into IC. At the very least - read some of the many infidelity books out there.

[wmacbride]

^ Exactly.

 

 

 

Yup. Like a bunch of little Jimmy Swaggart bobbleheads, preaching' and sweatin' and pounding their fists... as if they are all-knowing moralists destined to save the world by telling everyone that their way is the only way... because it came to them in a vision while they were banging a prostitute.

 

He made a bad mistake, and if possible, a kind, compassionate person would spare his wife the suffering... unburdening his soul at her expense won't clear his conscience or in any way make it better. It will just multiply the pain and make his innocent wife suffer needlessly.

 

It's his decision to make. Nobody should be trying to shame or moralize him into hurting his wife. There is no absolute right or wrong answer... and certainly not the right of a bunch of bobbleheads to decide for him.

 

He's already said that his wife was suspicious and he's lied to her and done his best to try and make her think she's wrong.

 

Do you know what that does to a person?

 

One of two things will likely happen. She'll end up feeling guilty and bad about herself for having suspected him, when , based on the lie she told her, he had to work late, had to work over lunch, etc. She'll end up feeling guilty for ever suspecting her poor, hardworking hubby, and feeling terrible about it.

 

A second possibility is that she will continue to be suspicious, and will do a little digging and find out the truth. Shell know he not only cheated, but lied to her about it too when she voiced her concerns.

 

That will significantly lower the chance of her ever being able to trust him again.

 

A third possibility is that the ow is a ntucase or just out for revenge if she feels hurt or her new relationship doesn't work out and she wants the op back. She may intentionally let it slip to his bs,

 

His marriage will implode.

[wmacbride]

a big wooow

 

i may sound as harsh as some of you sound here, but looks like some of you are in a worse situation and you need more help then i

 

i personally think that the conversation should have a positive vibe especially knowing that we all have enough internal negative energy

 

i came here for 2 reasons first and most important to get some feedback on how to change my mind behavior and second i could talk and share my story and debate over it

 

and among some very good ideas the constant one coming up is

 

TELL YOUR WIFE

 

now this may sound ok to some of you, but as i wrote earlier telling my wife is out of the options because

1. 90% our marriage will be over right away

2. even if decide to stay together our marriage will never be the same

3. it will destroy my sons world

 

and as some of you were saying its better that she knows and bla bla i think and i have a very strong opinion on this one that it better stays on me forever and i deal with it than the other two people as well

 

and i do think that you guys should stop pushing others as well to tell their partner about the affair because to me it looks like going from a fire to a volcano you're not helping with that one thats for sure.

 

the moment you share that with your partner that you have cheated no way your life will be the same, every time all the time than there will be extra suspicion or talk or debate or even jokes

 

and if you get caught deal with it than, and its a complete different scenario

 

last thing related i dont believe any of you here that you dont have some secrets, that you hide something for years from you partners we all do even some very small things its human nature

 

 

I've been a bs who's marriage reconciled.

 

I have been where your W is, and I found out about the A, and it hurt so badly, but what hurt even worse is knowing that, when I had asked my H about it, he lied, right to my face.

 

It took a really long time to be able to trust him again, and a lot of that was because of the outright lies he had told. If he had been honest, I don't think it would have been so bad. Of course it would still have been painful, and broken trust, but it would have been different.

[katielee]

OP - I also caught my husband. Twice. The rebuilding of that trust has taken years and still isn't where I want to be. It likely never will be. Had he come to me with it I think I'd be better off right now.

I confessed because I'd rather be authentic than married. YMMV.

[cozycottagelg]

Okay so you aren't going to tell your wife.

 

We can't make you. That's your choice.

 

You did however ask if you could still be friends with the AP. The answer is no. She is not your friend and she is not a friend to your marriage.

 

If you aren't going to tell your wife, it's time to start being a better husband.

 

Your AP knew what she was getting into. It seems she is trying to break free of this mess, but you keep contacting her. Leave her alone.

[afoolto no end]

you came here for help, then do what is right for everyone not just yourself....

you obviously think keeping your affair secret is right, that way you don't have to deal with the aftermath of that pain your wife will feel, easier for you......

 

It is easy to do the right thing if you really care about YOUR family........If you don't know which one is more important then move out, find out what you need but do that without your wife and son hurting so you can do that.......don't just keep selling them out for your needs....

 

Your killed your marriage you didn't jay walk,...........it is her world and you seem to already know the outcome of your choices to have your affair.......It will destroy her. I guess you really didn't care about that, you and your affair woman were more important that is the real truth here.. It was not a mistake it was a CHOICE!!!

............you already changed the marriage.........sometimes the only way to see what a mistake is, is to live it ......but don't just lie and cheat behind your families back........

[jimmybronx]

Okay so you aren't going to tell your wife.

 

We can't make you. That's your choice.

 

You did however ask if you could still be friends with the AP. The answer is no. She is not your friend and she is not a friend to your marriage.

 

If you aren't going to tell your wife, it's time to start being a better husband.

 

Your AP knew what she was getting into. It seems she is trying to break free of this mess, but you keep contacting her. Leave her alone.

 

ok im already doing it 2 days no communication, her number is on my blacklist meaning i dont see call attempts, msgs or anything so i have no idea if there was any attempt from the other side, i avoided places where i might see her, i avoided social media in order not to see/read anything related to her

 

so yes im taking calculated actions based on responses from you here, but honnestly i was expecting a different approach at least my expectation or my opinion

 

if i summarize feedback here i got it would look like this

1. jimmy is a life destroyer

2. jimmy should tell her wife what he did

3. jimmy should not contact AP (in any way)

4. jimmy should read about infidelity

and last

5. jimmy should undergo a therapy

 

 

and as i said for the moment im trying to avoid 5,2

im already doing 3

currently not able to do 4, should be a reason why am i reading such books i guess you agree with it, i can not read a book while hiding makes no sense

and yes i am not planing to do number 2

 

 

so going back to the question what did you guys do to entertain your brain with? when you were in my kind of situation, how did you tell your brain yo brain dont think about her, do this or do that ?

[katielee]

I suggested reading and therapy because it will help get you out of the fog (what you asked advice for) and to help you understand WHY you made that choice so you don't make it again.

What will you do the next time you're bored, in emotional pain, seeking validation? You need to come up with some healthier alternatives.

[Rainbowlove]

Well, since you are not coming clean, I think your battle to free your mind is going to be difficult.

 

With that said, here's some things I did.

 

I got busy w projects. I refurbished used furniture. I refurbished chimineas and gave them away to friends.

 

I wrote poems, journaled, read books, watched Dexter, and listened to sports radio in the car.

 

I stopped drinking. Not that I ever had a problem, but I wanted my mind to be clear and alcohol is a depressant. I didn't need to add to my already messed up state.

 

It's been two years and I still do not drink.

 

I became active in meditation and Reike.

 

I found new hobbies basically.

 

But I was always honest with my wife. Your healing may never come due to silence.

[Mr. Lucky]

TELL YOUR WIFE

 

now this may sound ok to some of you, but as i wrote earlier telling my wife is out of the options because

1. 90% our marriage will be over right away

2. even if decide to stay together our marriage will never be the same

3. it will destroy my sons world

 

You're right jimmy, all powerful reasons not to tell your wife.

 

Why weren't they equally compelling reasons not to cheat on her ?

 

Here's another 1-2-3 list:

 

1). Your view of the affair as a mistake instead of a self-serving choice puts you at great risk to do the same thing again.

 

2). Your rejection of therapy to help you understand the reasons you'd do this puts you at great risk to do the same thing again.

 

3). Your lack of empathy for everyone else involved - OW included - puts you at great risk to do the same thing again.

 

When your only question in the wake of an affair is "how can jimmy feel better". you're going to get some tough love and brutal feedback...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Well, since you are not coming clean, I think your battle to free your mind is going to be difficult.

 

 

I think this is true. Nothing like being faced with the destruction you have wrought to concentrate the mind....

 

One more thing about confessing - I had an EA (I didn't think that was what is was at the time, but I can see more clearly now) many many years ago. It ended when the OM left his gf and told me he was willing to wait for me to divorce my H! I left my job. I never told my H. No harm. no hurt..... apart from the fact that over all the intervening years I used the secret as an emotional hideaway whenever we were going through a bad time. It made me feel just a little bit superior to think that I had had this secret relationship - it kept me back from totally giving myself to my marriage when times were hard. H had an affair 3 years ago - who knows if my secrecy and withdrawal influenced his behaviour.

[fellini]

There is another view that the true act of redemption is the act of redeeming oneself for oneself. There are more than a couple of people in the world who believe we should learn to do the right things FOR OURSELVES because of WHO WE ARE and not, hard as this is to accept, because we married someone.

 

In the end the OP needs to be able to stand on his own two feet and do what he does because that is right for him. And if in doing this, he considers being more respectful to those around him who have given him the gift of their love, all the better.

 

There is no better way to break the desire to be unfaithful than to break it within yourself.

 

It is a journey he needs to take, and he actually does NOT need his wife to assist him with it. It can be done with her, but it is wrong to say that it cannot happen without her.

 

In the end, what I want from my WW in order to trust her again is for her NEVER to want to cross that line HERSELF. To not want to be THAT person ever again. If she can do that, I should never need to monitor again, because she would be monitoring herself. We know those of us who do not cheat are capable, we have to assume that once someone has learned a lesson from cheating, they are in an even better position to be able to do the same.

Edited December 8, 2015 by fellini

[jenkins95]

There is another view that the true act of redemption is the act of redeeming oneself for oneself. There are more than a couple of people in the world who believe we should learn to do the right things FOR OURSELVES because of WHO WE ARE and not, hard as this is to accept, because we married someone.

 

In the end the OP needs to be able to stand on his own two feet and do what he does because that is right for him. And if in doing this, he considers being more respectful to those around him who have given him the gift of their love, all the better.

 

There is no better way to break the desire to be unfaithful than to break it within yourself.

 

It is a journey he needs to take, and he actually does NOT need his wife to assist him with it. It can be done with her, but it is wrong to say that it cannot happen without her.

 

In the end, what I want from my WW in order to trust her again is for her NEVER to want to cross that line HERSELF. To not want to be THAT person ever again. If she can do that, I should never need to monitor again, because she would be monitoring herself. We know those of us who do not cheat are capable, we have to assume that once someone has learned a lesson from cheating, they are in an even better position to be able to do the same.

 

Excellent post fellini. You are right - far better for it to come from within, for ourselves because that is what we want, rather than just doing things that we feel we should do because we messed up. Wise words

[LydiaLong]

If you were my husband, I'd throw your butt out and never take you back.

[fellini]

If you were my husband, I'd throw your butt out and never take you back.

 

Which confirms OP's position not to tell.

[turnera]

Divorce your wife so she and your son can go find someone with integrity instead of a selfish man who puts himself ahead of his family.

[Popsicle]

thanks, ok 5 months i had no contact and the feelings were at the same level unfortinately, as i was checking my options i came up with the idea ok if she becomes my friend with whom i might have a drink 1 month, chat 2-3 times a month could help me heal and slovly get her out of my mind, especialy knowing that she is now in an another relationship, and i have no other intenstions beside friendship

 

A word of caution: I am an xOW and some OW don't react well to their MM stringing them along (that is how it feels to them). They get very angry and want to expose the A to your wife, sometimes rashly. So I caution you in going down this path, because you don't know what she's capable of. Be smart and count your blessings and keep the ties cut cleanly as they are now.

[turnera]

i came here for 2 reasons first and most important to get some feedback on how to change my mind behavior and second i could talk and share my story and debate over it

You change your mind behavior with HUMILITY. With acknowledgment that what you did was not a MISTAKE. It was a conscious CHOICE to put YOUR desires above your wife and your son. Period.

 

Until you can admit that you have become a not-nice person, it will be impossible to change 'mind behavior.' Because you are still patting yourself on the back for 'trying' to stay away from your affair partner. Telling yourself what a good guy you are for 'considering' not continuing it. All selfish, self-serving, putting yourself above others thinking.

 

Until you stop thinking you are more important than the wife and son you betrayed, you will never be anything but a run of the mill cheater.

 

And btw, marriage? Is all about honesty. If you don't tell your wife (to save your own skin), you HAVE NO MARRIAGE. You have an arrangement that is beneficial to you only. And your wife is forced to live a lie she doesn't even know she is in.

 

Go tell your mom what you've done. See what she says.