Constant Reminders

[BeautifulIdiot]

I'm trying to forget about my xMM but there are reminders everywhere. He left work when it ended but I'm still there (and wont be leaving). We worked so closely that pretty much everything I do now at some point in the past we did together. I work a lot and from home which means it's always there. Every day, day and night.

 

I'm doing the right things, concentrating on my kids, exercising, eating well, trying to better myself but it just feels like pretending and he's always there, just under the surface and at it's killing me.

 

How can it be so easy for him to just walk away, cut off contact and focus on the thing that's important to him (not me, obviously) when I'm left here hurt and broken.

 

I hate how pathetic and broken I sound but this seems to be a good place for me to come when it gets too much.

[TaraMaiden2]

Bear in mind that the major part of your problem is that you are READING reminders everywhere.

These things trigger thoughts of him, but that's because you deliberately link stuff to him.

 

As long as you permit things like this to influence you, then you will never let go.

So you shared these things with him.

Well, these things shall pass.

They'll pass a lot quicker if you realise they were just 'things'.

[Poppy47]

Change anything you can, even if it's only your day to day routine.

 

Make your world different. Break that cycle.

 

Poppy.

XXX

[Adoraxx]

Hi Beautiful,

 

You're certainly not an Idiot (your name) so I will leave that part out! I'm feeling just like you do.... You expressed yourself when you said that it feels like it's always there... My xMM is my neighbor and I try to forget about him too but it's like he is always there in my thoughts. I hate how easy it is for him to have walked away from me (once again) and how happily he moves on with his life. And I do know that that is the case because he ended it with me many times and always said things like 'my life goes on!' while smirking.

 

I hope that as time passes that it will get better for both of us

Hugs!! Adoraxx

 

I'm trying to forget about my xMM but there are reminders everywhere. He left work when it ended but I'm still there (and wont be leaving). We worked so closely that pretty much everything I do now at some point in the past we did together. I work a lot and from home which means it's always there. Every day, day and night.

 

I'm doing the right things, concentrating on my kids, exercising, eating well, trying to better myself but it just feels like pretending and he's always there, just under the surface and at it's killing me.

 

How can it be so easy for him to just walk away, cut off contact and focus on the thing that's important to him (not me, obviously) when I'm left here hurt and broken.

 

I hate how pathetic and broken I sound but this seems to be a good place for me to come when it gets too much.

[privategal]

He has moved on yes, doesn't mean it was easy or that he didn't care. It is how it appears at times but he knows it had to end, and you knew too. Affairs do end, they cant continue forever but the ending hurts.

Its hard but endings that are drug out are more painful. Some AP know reaching out hurts more and prolongs things.

It could have been deeply meant and felt at that time but once the guilt and reality of getting caught and hurting people becomes apparent, the fairytale aspect ends.

He might have weighed it all out.

Ive seen several instances on here of men who are so sad the A is over, and it was their choice to end it, but they do greive and miss what once was and worry about AP.

 

I agree...change routine, dont focus, paint, redecorate, change surroundings, and know you are beautiful and loved.

Time does heal but very slowly at times.

[Lady2163]

This happens in a lot of relationships. When I divorced (not because of infidelity). I slowly replaced everything we had obtained during the marriage. I couldn't stand to look at things and be reminded of him.

 

I am a former OW. This is one of the perks for the WS. If there isn't a Dday, then they get to go back to the loving arms of the spouse and kids. The Other is left alone, without an adult support system. I told few of the people in my life that my "boyfriend" of seven years was married. I'm also the one who ended it, I couldn't bear the thought of him getting caught and ruining his life. And, to be honest, very few people want to hear of how much you miss the MM. Oh, they'll listen for a while, but think of how depressing and unattractive your friends are who have had breakups and can't get over them.

 

My concern when I read your post is that you can fall into a rut, a pattern. MM has become used to treating you as a side dish. I think both men and women, when they put someone in a certain role, never make the adjustment to putting that person in another role. When I was single and dating a single man, we started our relationship with him still wounded from his divorce five years earlier. He didn't treat me right, was absent on all special days (often without an excuse or reason), had more issues than I could begin to list here. He kept me at arms length and was resistant to all dating milestones. And for too long I let myself be treated like crap. Eventually, I started standing up for myself and demanding some respect. That's when I got the "I don't love you and think I deserve to find someone who loves me." We dated for three years, he declined my requests to move in together. Four weeks after breaking up with me, he moved his new girlfriend into his house. Five months after breaking up with me, he married her.

 

Now, the chances are he was cheating on me. On one level that is more comforting than the whole fast track process after he ditched me.

 

But, the bottom line is, he never looked at me as a priority. I was merely a temporary option. Meanwhile, he was my whole life.

 

And that is what I think could happen to you. You may be the woman who gets him through his divorce. You are the soft landing, with probably compatible sex involved. You may be there for him emotionally, physically, sexually, financially. You may be the woman who helps him get his apartment set up, helps get his finances on track, does behind-the-scenes work so he can work overtime or spend time with his kids (I did that one time with a boyfriend, many years ago. He was just "too busy" and I did his laundry, grocery shopping and errand running so he could spend more time with his kids. Often he would "forget" to pay me for groceries). You may be the one who updates his wardrobe and gets him back on track. You are the fixer, the mommy, the support. But, you are probably not the woman he marries or the first girlfriend he introduces to his friends and family after the divorce is final.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I just read the no contact guide on the bottom of Tara's signature and turns out I'm not doing everything I can. I've not been in contact with him (I wouldn't, I'm smart enough to know I don't want to hear him tell me not to contact him again, or silence, and quite honestly I'm not sure which would be worse) but I have been looking at things online. That probably doesn't help. It's going to be hard not to but I'm starting to realise just how harmful it is.

 

Thank you for putting that on your signature, I really appreciate the support everyone here has given in the short time I've been here. It's hard to admit to anyone else how much I'm still struggling this long after it ended, especially since I put on a very good show of being fine.

[Lady2163]

This happens in a lot of relationships. When I divorced (not because of infidelity). I slowly replaced everything we had obtained during the marriage. I couldn't stand to look at things and be reminded of him.

 

I am a former OW. This is one of the perks for the WS. If there isn't a Dday, then they get to go back to the loving arms of the spouse and kids. The Other is left alone, without an adult support system. I told few of the people in my life that my "boyfriend" of seven years was married. I'm also the one who ended it, I couldn't bear the thought of him getting caught and ruining his life. And, to be honest, very few people want to hear of how much you miss the MM. Oh, they'll listen for a while, but think of how depressing and unattractive your friends are who have had breakups and can't get over them.

 

My concern when I read your post is that you can fall into a rut, a pattern. MM has become used to treating you as a side dish. I think both men and women, when they put someone in a certain role, never make the adjustment to putting that person in another role. When I was single and dating a single man, we started our relationship with him still wounded from his divorce five years earlier. He didn't treat me right, was absent on all special days (often without an excuse or reason), had more issues than I could begin to list here. He kept me at arms length and was resistant to all dating milestones. And for too long I let myself be treated like crap. Eventually, I started standing up for myself and demanding some respect. That's when I got the "I don't love you and think I deserve to find someone who loves me." We dated for three years, he declined my requests to move in together. Four weeks after breaking up with me, he moved his new girlfriend into his house. Five months after breaking up with me, he married her.

 

Now, the chances are he was cheating on me. On one level that is more comforting than the whole fast track process after he ditched me.

 

But, the bottom line is, he never looked at me as a priority. I was merely a temporary option. Meanwhile, he was my whole life.

 

And that is what I think could happen to you. You may be the woman who gets him through his divorce. You are the soft landing, with probably compatible sex involved. You may be there for him emotionally, physically, sexually, financially. You may be the woman who helps him get his apartment set up, helps get his finances on track, does behind-the-scenes work so he can work overtime or spend time with his kids (I did that one time with a boyfriend, many years ago. He was just "too busy" and I did his laundry, grocery shopping and errand running so he could spend more time with his kids. Often he would "forget" to pay me for groceries). You may be the one who updates his wardrobe and gets him back on track. You are the fixer, the mommy, the support. But, you are probably not the woman he marries or the first girlfriend he introduces to his friends and family after the divorce is final.

 

Please ignore everything after the second paragraph. I posted in the wrong place and now can't delete it!

[BeautifulIdiot]

Lady - that's the thing...all of my close friends are married. I have one who I can and do lean on, heavily and often, but aside from the fact that it's awful listening to someone keep going on about how heartbroken they are how can I possibly tell the rest of my married friends that I'm heartbroken over a married man because that means I was (am?) the woman they all hate and/or fear. So, all through it I just have to pretend like everything's ok and of course they never knew about him so how do I possibly explain being heartbroken over something that didn't exist in the first place.

 

I've also been through a bit of a rough time with the father of my kids and quite honestly I don't usually do drama but that's all I feel like it is now and I just want it to be over. Unfortunately I also want a happy ending (which I know isn't going to happen) but secretly I'm still clinging on to any small hope that there's a future for me with him. My head knows it's stupid but my heart, well my heart it an idiot.

[Lady2163]

Lady - that's the thing...all of my close friends are married. I have one who I can and do lean on, heavily and often, but aside from the fact that it's awful listening to someone keep going on about how heartbroken they are how can I possibly tell the rest of my married friends that I'm heartbroken over a married man because that means I was (am?) the woman they all hate and/or fear. So, all through it I just have to pretend like everything's ok and of course they never knew about him so how do I possibly explain being heartbroken over something that didn't exist in the first place.

 

I've also been through a bit of a rough time with the father of my kids and quite honestly I don't usually do drama but that's all I feel like it is now and I just want it to be over. Unfortunately I also want a happy ending (which I know isn't going to happen) but secretly I'm still clinging on to any small hope that there's a future for me with him. My head knows it's stupid but my heart, well my heart it an idiot.

 

I'm not laughing at you, but remember Monica Lewimsky confided in Linda Tripp - and we know how that turned out!

 

I had a friend who had a married boyfriend. She confided to one of her married female friends. The married friend was incensed. She culled details for weeks and then contacted the betrayed spouse. Which is more real life relatable than Monica Lewinsky. My friend and her friend had known each other for 30 years. She lost her boyfriend and her best friend in one day.

 

And I'm not saying any of your friends would do that, but the moment you tell them, the nature of the friendship changes. You appear to be morally loose. You will sleep with that woman's husband, maybe you will sleep with their husband. Invitations dry up and any camaraderie you had with that woman's husband is met with scowls.

 

My former supposed best friend of nearly 30 years has spent all that time ditching me for men. This last time she did it, I was through. We aren't teenagers anymore. She poached two men during this time I saw first and she knew I liked. Her attitude was: The men liked her better than me, so I needed to get over it. She did it the first time we were in high school. Consequently, She didn't meet my husband until my wedding day. And she never met any of my boyfriends. Through a fluke, she met my former MM. He and I had ended things, but wanted to see each other. We knew we couldn't see each other and keep our hands to ourselves. So, we had her along for lunch. I told him in advance NOT to be too flirty and NOT to give her ANY contact info. He respected that and was kind enough to remind me he would never stray again and certainly not with her.

 

None of that really helps you, though. This is where a decent counselor might help. They can give you the sympathy, and help you process, help you heal and then give you the nudges toward moving in a healthy direction.

[BeautifulIdiot]

This is why I dont confide in anyone else. I'm not that woman, I fell into this situation and have zero intention of ever ending up there again. Not that anyone else would see it that way so of course I keep my mouth shut about it because of course all anyone else would see is what you just described.

 

I was an idiot. I never meant for this to happen to any of us and damn sure I'll be more careful in future. I would hate me if I were someone else, who wouldn't. I would hate me if I were his wife or anyone else wife, I would blame me and I would fear me. I wanted another man's husband, and still do, and that makes me an absolutely horrible person.

 

Doesn't help me feel better but I do recognise the reality of the situation. Luckily the one person I do confide in is very understanding. Her sister was involved with a married man for 6 years so she already had some understanding of the complexities of the situation and how it's not always as simple as someone being a wicked harlot who would steal anyone's husband.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Just to be clear on my last post - I dont still want an affair with him. I want the magical world where we are both single and can be together.

[TaraMaiden2]

And I want a unicorn, a temperate climate when I can grow pomegranates and have a real japanese garden and to be tall, willowy, busty and flame-haired.

 

Quit chasing dreams, live in the real world and know that dreaming is all very well, but that every moment you spend dreaming, is 60 seconds in which you could have been living a fulfilled life.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I've heard there are unicorns who crap rainbows in that world. Sounds nice.

[BeautifulIdiot]

And I want a unicorn, a temperate climate when I can grow pomegranates and have a real japanese garden and to be tall, willowy, busty and flame-haired.

 

Quit chasing dreams, live in the real world and know that dreaming is all very well, but that every moment you spend dreaming, is 60 seconds in which you could have been living a fulfilled life.

 

This did make me laugh, thank you.

 

I live in a temperate climate, my neighbour grows pomegranates (I only have oranges and walnuts) and I'm tall and flame haired. I should probably stop complaining.

[TaraMaiden2]

This did make me laugh, thank you.

 

I live in a temperate climate, my neighbour grows pomegranates (I only have oranges and walnuts) and I'm tall and flame haired. I should probably stop complaining.

 

 

Oh my holy-mother of effing god, yes!!!

[BeautifulIdiot]

I started this thread feeling like crap and am now sitting here laughing. You really are a wonderful lot.

[Lovetoohard]

I'm trying to forget about my xMM but there are reminders everywhere. He left work when it ended but I'm still there (and wont be leaving). We worked so closely that pretty much everything I do now at some point in the past we did together. I work a lot and from home which means it's always there. Every day, day and night.

 

I'm doing the right things, concentrating on my kids, exercising, eating well, trying to better myself but it just feels like pretending and he's always there, just under the surface and at it's killing me.

 

How can it be so easy for him to just walk away, cut off contact and focus on the thing that's important to him (not me, obviously) when I'm left here hurt and broken.

 

I hate how pathetic and broken I sound but this seems to be a good place for me to come when it gets too much.

 

Beautiful,

 

Don't be this hard on yourself. Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself and your kids and the constant reminders won't be as constant with time. I too, used to work with my exMM and ever since I'm not at the same job, it's been easier to move on as I don't have constant work interactions with him. That said, while I am doing things like dating, excercising, eating well, and spending time with family and friends, I still think about my ex MM and miss the fun things about the R. For example, I was at a restaurant with a good friend and recall that exMM and I went there on our first date and even remember where we sat. I felt pathetic remembering that but i am now at the point of healing where I told the friend I was hanging out with about the first date with mm and reminisced for a few minutes and then focused on the present and had a great time. Had this been 3 months ago, I would've broken down in tears at the thought of walking into that restaurant. It takes time. It's not an overnight process and you just have to take care of yourself in the meantime.

 

Your exMM I'm sure cared and had strong feelings for you and cutting off all contact by him ensures that you all don't get sucked back into something that inevitably has to end. It's a blessing for you, trust me. When I broke up with my ex, he thought I was cruel to just walk away from him and push him away, and as much as I wanted us to be friends and support each other through the pain, it would've left that door open.

 

When you find your thoughts wandering to him while working, take a break and walk away from what you're doing. Also, start interacting more with others you work with. I know it's hard that you work from home as it can be isolating.

 

I cannot guaranty that you can forget your ex entirely but with time, you will be able to compartmentalize your thoughts. Also, work on forgiving him instead of holding onto anger or resentment and feelings of abandonment. He did you a favor by walking away.

 

Hang in there!

Edited December 6, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[WestEndGirl]

I was an idiot. I never meant for this to happen to any of us and damn sure I'll be more careful in future. I would hate me if I were someone else, who wouldn't. I would hate me if I were his wife or anyone else wife, I would blame me and I would fear me. I wanted another man's husband, and still do, and that makes me an absolutely horrible person.

 

Oh, I'm sure if you look back on your life, sum total, you can think of far more idiotic things that you've done! I know that I can ... like marrying my exH, for example. And getting involved with my ex-S.O. and staying involved with him after I discovered he was a superficial twit who wouldn't think twice about dumping me if something better came along. Even as adults, we continue to screw up; we're going to have the same ill-fated ideas that we did as teens and adolescents, and hopefully, we learn from each mistake.

 

You're not a horrible person. Please. People don't own each others' emotional rights. A M is simply a non-binding legal contract, in the eyes of the law; it cannot mandate that someone love the person they sign it with. It cannot make them "faithful". The marriage contract was originally devised to ensure that property was passed down through a man's bloodline and to prevent potentially illegitimate children from laying claim to that property. That's pretty much it.

[Krashi]

I'm trying to forget about my xMM but there are reminders everywhere. He left work when it ended but I'm still there (and wont be leaving). We worked so closely that pretty much everything I do now at some point in the past we did together. I work a lot and from home which means it's always there. Every day, day and night.

 

I'm doing the right things, concentrating on my kids, exercising, eating well, trying to better myself but it just feels like pretending and he's always there, just under the surface and at it's killing me.

 

How can it be so easy for him to just walk away, cut off contact and focus on the thing that's important to him (not me, obviously) when I'm left here hurt and broken.

 

I hate how pathetic and broken I sound but this seems to be a good place for me to come when it gets too much.

 

I think many breakups are like this without regard to infidelity. Heartache is paingul and , for me, it has just taken time, and nothing else,to get to feeling better.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh, I'm sure if you look back on your life, sum total, you can think of far more idiotic things that you've done! ...

 

Oh hang on, if this is an "I'm a bigger idiot than you" pi$$ing contest, I want in!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm having a truly terrible time with triggers too. For me, I think it being the holiday season with all the traditions, repetition of last year when horrible things were happening, makes it all worse. Know what I mean?

 

I'm hoping that time is going to be the answer. Like you, I'm trying to throw myself into life but it's so bloody hard. We went to see Santa yesterday. It was a lovely day. The kids were thrilled & excited. It's horrible that so much of my brain is filled with what was going-on last year when my kids were whispering in Santas ear.

 

My life completely blew-up on New Years day but November through Christmas was a nightmare. So many of the 'beg events' happened on special days, my birthday, his birthday (both Dec), Christmas, New Year ugh!, fathers day...OMG Mothers Day was horrific! I lost it. I wanted to die!

 

I've vowed to make new memories this year so next year will be a bit better. Rinse & repeat year after year until it becomes a distant memory. I hope that works!! I'm reading your thread hoping for more ideas, different perspective...

 

Love shouldn't make people feel like this!! I'm a pathetic, hapless romantic. I just wanted my own love story, my own happily ever after. I think most of us do. I just gets so complicated & screwed-up some times.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Oh I can think of many more idiotic things I've done, staying with their kids dad for as long as I did with the abuse he put me through being the biggest one but for some reason this just seems so much harder than everything else. Maybe because I didn't want it to end, because I wasn't ready for it? I've always done a better job of protecting my heart and I've always been the first to leave. Or maybe because I thought this was the one that was finally going to work out? I don't know but I usually bounce back from things quite quickly.

 

New Year is the one I'm dreading the most and thinking about saying (well, writing) this out loud makes me realise just how pathetic this was but I was home alone with the kids last year and xmm sent me a completely unexpected message at exactly midnight which stopped me in my tracks. I know when that moment comes this year it's going to be tough and I'm still going to check my phone. And yes, he was with his wife and I was alone. I know that should speak volumes and I deserve a person who will actually be with me in person but damn that heart of mine.

 

I actually never even thought about repainting and doing something as simple as changing my environment. Every time I sit at my desk it's a trigger. Maybe just by moving it, working somewhere else and making the place look different will help. That's some good advice.

 

Lovetoohard - thank you for the reminder of why it has to be this way. I wont contact him but I needed that perspective. It helped more than you know.

 

Shattered - I'm also trying to make new memories. I've made huge plans for the kids for Christmas, I'm trying to make it the most magical year they've had. Hopefully you're right and it's a rinse and repeat cycle until everything we have is new and untainted by sadness and memories of something that will never be.

 

Everyone keeps saying time is the secret but holy hell it feels like it's been too long to still feel this heartbroken. but then, it's only been 3 months. The more I read here the more I realise that these things seem to take longer than I want them to.

[Popsicle]

Please ignore everything after the second paragraph. I posted in the wrong place and now can't delete it!

 

I liked your post. It was a good post and I think still applies to being the OW.

[Popsicle]

I'm trying to forget about my xMM but there are reminders everywhere. He left work when it ended but I'm still there (and wont be leaving). We worked so closely that pretty much everything I do now at some point in the past we did together. I work a lot and from home which means it's always there. Every day, day and night.

 

I'm doing the right things, concentrating on my kids, exercising, eating well, trying to better myself but it just feels like pretending and he's always there, just under the surface and at it's killing me.

 

How can it be so easy for him to just walk away, cut off contact and focus on the thing that's important to him (not me, obviously) when I'm left here hurt and broken.

 

I hate how pathetic and broken I sound but this seems to be a good place for me to come when it gets too much.

 

Poor girl. It's okay, this happens. As long as you stick to NC, you will slowly make progress. It will get better with time, I promise.

 

I agree with privategal that he probably had a hard time cutting ties too. I know my xMM did. I think they suffer just as much as we do, but of course, the one who ended it gets to have slightly more dignity and slightly less humiliation...just because they took control of their life and their desires and the direction of it all.

 

But, either way, it hurts and it hurts a lot. It takes a while to get over it and A's are especially traumatizing due to their nature. You'll begin to see the light in the darkness in time though and be okay. Best of luck to you.