what does a girl do with her dead beat father?

[blackchild]

my parents are divorce because of domestic violence. i noticed that all the men on my father's side of the family are horrible! well years after the divorce around my 18th birhtday my father stop supporting me (financially, emotionally, etc) he has his a new family now and it's hard to watch him be a better father to a stranger than his own blood. this has been going on for two years now & i'm tired of struggling as a college student with any kind of support from my own father. i've tried every trick in the book to get my father to pay up and be a man about his responsibilities as a father. i'm at my ends with this situation. should i just go against my mother's wishes and pick up a job (while being in school) and pay for his end of my expenses or give up fighting for my father?

[quankanne]

love your avatar!

 

sounds like you've pretty much written your father out of the equation when it comes to helping you with college. If you're having a problem paying for school first see what kind of grants or scholarships you're eligible for, then look into work-study (a paying job on campus set up through the school).

 

if those options fall though, then consider work in your field of choice, because that kills two birds with one stone -- you're getting experience you need AND being paid for it. One of the jobs I held in college was with the campus newspaper, which paid a monthly stipend AND gave me a selection of clips to show to prospective employers.

 

don't be afraid to get a job (or two or three) to put yourself through college. As long as you can juggle work and school, you'll receive a sense of accomplishment like no other when you do get that degree because you'll know exactly what kind of blood sweat and tears went into earning it.

 

best of luck to you, kiddo

[blackchild]

thanks a lot for your advice i'm going to look into that right now! oh and thanks for your compliment on the avatar i've been waiting on one for the longest! isn't hello kitty cute?

[quankanne]

just keep in mind to only do what you feel capable of doing, and not to overload yourself if you do find yourself having to get a part-time or full-time job. I think maybe this is what your mom may be concerned about and rightly so.

 

I didn't check to see where you're from, but do a websearch to see if your state has any kind of 'information central' about the different kinds of financial aid available to you. A couple of years ago I found one focusing on "college for texans" and I'd have killed to have had that when I was going 20 years ago!

 

isn't hello kitty cute?

 

yes! I don't recall HK being around when my oldest niece was little, but now that she's got a daughter of her own (a five-year-old), it's been fun finding the odd item or two for her

[seagirl]

I feel bad for what you are going through, but believe it or not this will ,make you stonger in the end, just be careful that it doesn't make you bitter. Depending on what you are going to college for sometimes you can get a sort of intership before you graduate and they will actually pay part of your college tuition if you work there when you graduate. I hope they have programs like that where you live.

 

Over hee there is a BIG nursing shortage and some hopspitals will pay part of you tuition for you to be a candy strpier now and then work in the hospital as a nurse for a year or two after.

 

You will do just fine, your dad doesn't know what he is missing!

[beesknees]

sorry you can't count on your dad, blackchild. same thing happened here... parents divorced when i was 16- couldn't count on dad to help with tuition/anything when i got to college.

 

it's where i started learning to never count on a man for anything. what a lesson to learn so young. had to make my own way, just like you are. i'm still paying back the student loans, but that's ok- it was worth it.

 

good thing is financial aid is available everywhere, and your mom being a single parent will likely open the doors to need-based financial aid, which a lot of people with 2 parents' support often cannot get.

 

good luck!

[blackchild]

ah! thanks you guys for your loving words! some times it's hard not to be bitter because i'm seeing myself struggling working and going to school because my father is being an ass! not to mention he supports his new wife's child! it's horrible! he has moved this kid into my room and this kid is getting all me and my brother's attention! you're right it this is enough to make me a stronger woman. actually i feel as though this is my introduction to womanhood. honestly if i wasn't going through this i couldn't have been any stronger than i am! i honestly can understand if my father wasn't capable of financially supporting me, but it's just that he doesn't want to support me any kind of way. my mother is suing my father for child support and everything but honestly i don't believe that it'll make a diffference because my father plays dirty!(especially in the courtroom) i told my mom that i want to give up on the fight for my father's affection ; it's horrible because she blames everything on her whrn it's not her fault that my father is such a horrible person. i try telling her but she always ending up feeling like all of it could've been avoided ( which i don't think it could've been) anyways i'm just going to take my aggression out on my books. i remember a time where my father told me that he didn't love me and that i wouldn't amount to anything no matter how many A's a get in college! whatever! he made my G.P.A. sky rocket when he said that and i hope my mother brings my grades to court, so that bastard would start paying up!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

That is too bad that your father is trying to treat his past like it never happened.

 

However, you are a smart woman and have a great future ahead of you. If you have to work your way through college, I know you can do it. Just make sure you can handle the load, even if you have to take less courses and drag it out an extra year, it will be worth it. Please look into scholarship programs as well.

 

Now, here is where I hope I dont sound too harsh. Parents are not legally responsible for their children's upbringing once the child reaches the age of majority, which is 18. Parents are also not responsible for paying their children's college tuition.

 

If your father pays any back-support, that is money that your mother has already spent on you for food, clothing, housing, etc (even she would probably use it for your tuition).

 

Good luck to you. I know it's not about the money for you, I know you would take your father's love over anything else he has to offer.

[suegail]

I don't know what state you're in, but I thought child support laws had become pretty strict in all states. If the parent doesn't pay they can face jail time, and in fact I have a friend in S.C. who said a friend of his is now getting all the back child support for a grown son of hers. The court did give the ex husband the option, pay up or go to jail. I just don't see how your father could get out of that. You have to prove payment and I think it has to go through the friend of the court or something in order to show proof.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Syncerity]

at least u got 18yrs out of ya dad..i got nothin from mine...dude told me he would send me a few dollars for groceries when my mommy lost her job and was seriously strugglin, and he never sent it.. ...so we had to take food from the shelter, and it had bugs in it i told him that story and still no money sent to me..what i do with my dead beat father is just leave him alone, i would rather suffer on my own or make my own problems,deals,etc than to have to depend on him to do something for me...im 18 now myself and my moms has to pay for college OUT OF POCKET, has to buy my car OUT OF POCKET, and still make rent and all that...so i look at her when i feel down about him, and i think to myself, its a good thing he wasnt in my life much, cuz then i would be a spoiled woman who depends on their parents to pay for everything..i look at my mother now and be like oooooooooooh i want to do what she do accomplish what she has accomplished..so even though its against her wishes as well, she finally let me get a lil part time job (after like 2yrs of me begging and pleadin) to teach me responsiblities...i say just talk it out with your moms about how your feeling about your father, and how you see that he isnt going to come around and be of any help for you, and that you need to do this, for your own well being..i hope everything works well for you

[Syncerity]

Originally posted by suegail

I don't know what state you're in, but I thought child support laws had become pretty strict in all states. If the parent doesn't pay they can face jail time, and in fact I have a friend in S.C. who said a friend of his is now getting all the back child support for a grown son of hers. The court did give the ex husband the option, pay up or go to jail. I just don't see how your father could get out of that. You have to prove payment and I think it has to go through the friend of the court or something in order to show proof.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

yea im actually thinkin about suin my pops for child support, because my moms been thru too much to be a good mom and he just get off lolly damn gaggin around...i dont see how folks can be dead beat parents..if you dont have the money to take care of them, at least try to show them that love doesnt have a payment on it( be there emotionally)...

[Mr Spock]

I find it kind of horrifying that you EXPECT a parent to support you through college. There are people with perfectly reasonable parents that in fact do not pay for their children's college education.

 

Now as for being a poor father, that's different.

[Syncerity]

Originally posted by blackchild

my father is being an ass! not to mention he supports his new wife's child! it's horrible! he has moved this kid into my room and this kid is getting all me and my brother's attention! my mother is suing my father for child support and everything but honestly i don't believe that it'll make a diffference because my father plays dirty!(especially in the courtroom)...i hope my mother brings my grades to court, so that bastard would start paying up!

 

yea i should read all of the posts before i type..u said ur 18 which in the government eyes basically sees you as an adult, and able to fend for yourself..i dont really know your full situation, but if hes been there for 18yrs and ur suin because he wont put u thru college or help out, then i doubt if you have a case at all...now on the other hand, if he was ordered to pay child support and didnt pay or missed out on payments thats a whole nother story, but your considered grown, and yes i agree with spock, its not the parents job to bust their asses after your legal and able to do things on your own to pay for your college,unless thats what they planned for. but their not obligated to do that..and far as the attention goes, he gives the other kids more attention because they are growin kids who dont have experience of love and affection or other stuff that keeps a child growing happy and healthy..when your legal its basically you get treated like an young adult..he isnt going to baby you all your life, so its good your learning from this..dont see it as you have to fight for his attention, u had your time/yrs with him, and its time to take that and reflect and become a woman on the move..

[New_Wife]

You could be my long-lost sister. Does your father's name start with the letter 'D'?

 

Kidding. Although my bio father does have quite a few kids - some known, others unknown.

 

Only thing here - be careful careful careful whom you marry. You may find yourself with Dad's Mini-me. When in doubt, ask your Mom. And LISTEN!

 

Anyway, as to school - it can be done. Talk to your financial aid office. They'll help you figure out what resources work for your unique situation. Be it workstudy, grants, scholarships or loans. If you want it - get it. Show Mom you learned to be a survivor & show Dad - nothing.

[OneFaith]

Actually, child support goes to the age of 21. However, getting a part-time job will do you well. To learn responsibility is to do it. You will learn time management for certain. Ensure you are able to juggle both work and school. It really depends on what your major is in my opinion. I know some college students do not have any other choice but to work and go to school simultaneously.

 

Good luck with your future endeavors.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by OneFaith

Actually, child support goes to the age of 21. However, getting a part-time job will do you well. To learn responsibility is to do it. You will learn time management for certain. Ensure you are able to juggle both work and school. It really depends on what your major is in my opinion. I know some college students do not have any other choice but to work and go to school simultaneously.

 

Good luck with your future endeavors.

 

 

OneFaith...child support in the great majority of states in America ends at 18. Check your local state child support laws.

 

Individual divorce agreements can contain agreements for childsupport through college, but these are still pretty rare.

 

Basically (unless the parents divorce decree agreed to child support after 18) the offspring is considered an adult with adult responsibilities. If they choose to further their education, great, but no parent is responsible in ANY way.

 

I've seen a few law suits with an 18 year old suing a parent for college support. These are always thrown out unless their was an agreement in the divorce decree/child support order or they live in one of the few states that have more restrictive laws.

 

My take on this is...yep it's tough to grow up, but at 18 you are. Your dad is not going to pay your college fees. It's up to you.

 

I also find it odd that your mom is suing your dad for child support after you are 18. Why is that?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by blackchild

my parents are divorce because of domestic violence. i noticed that all the men on my father's side of the family are horrible! well years after the divorce around my 18th birhtday my father stop supporting me (financially, emotionally, etc) he has his a new family now and it's hard to watch him be a better father to a stranger than his own blood. this has been going on for two years now & i'm tired of struggling as a college student with any kind of support from my own father. i've tried every trick in the book to get my father to pay up and be a man about his responsibilities as a father. i'm at my ends with this situation. should i just go against my mother's wishes and pick up a job (while being in school) and pay for his end of my expenses or give up fighting for my father?

 

Ok, I don't say this to be harsh as I am not trying to be, but:

 

You're 18, so your father's obligations financially are done. And since he's a jerk and legally doesn't have to support you, he isn't going to.

 

If you want to survive and be a STRONG person, get a job and work your way through College. It's very common, will build character and for you at least, it will be a tremendous accomplishment.

 

I have many friends that supported themselves through College. If they can do it, so can you.

 

And yes, I am positive you can do it.