Newlywed considering divorce

[Newlywed5683]

First, I apologize in advance for what I know will be a lengthy post...

 

I have been married less than a year, with my husband for 7. We met in college and have lived together for 5 of those years. And now, less than a year into our marriage, I feel as if I've just awakened and come to a realization that I should not be with him. I'm terrified and scared of what this means and am afraid I will not have the strength to get through what I feel I need to do...

 

Early on, we were very happy. There were warning signs along the way that he was a bit controlling, but I was so happy after coming out of a previously toxic relationship I chose to ignore them or not think much of them. He has always had very high expectations as far as me catering to him, always putting him first, and especially his demands for sex. He has always disliked my family and many of my friends and spoken poorly of them, not caring if it's offensive to me, but will be perfectly charming to their face. Despite that, he has made me very happy and we had very good times together.. The good far outweighed the bad throughout the majority of our relationship.

 

During our engagement, I started to have second thoughts because of all of these issues. I wrote him a very long letter explaining that I felt I no longer was in control of my life... I felt under appreciated and emotionally attacked at times and that I could not go through with the wedding if this was what was to be expected from our future marriage. He read it and assured me that he loved me and would work on the things I pointed out.

 

A month later his mother was diagnosed with stage IV cancer out of the blue. This became the most tumultuous year and a half I could never have imagined. He went into a very, very dark place and any issues we previously had were became exponentially worse. I tried to support and be there for him as best as I knew how but it was never enough... He resented me for not doing enough, for not understanding what he was going through, for not being the one that this was happening to. He sunk to a very dark place and we had some of the worst arguments that looking back now I can't believe I even slept in the house those nights. He wished that this would happen to my family so that I would understand his pain, he verbally abused me to take out his frustrations, he drank every single night.. There were nights id wait and pray for him to fall asleep so I could just relax. I walked on eggshells... The slightest seemingly insensitive thing I might say would greatly offend him and set him off, but meanwhile he would throw the most horrible and hurtful insults at me not caring how deeply it hurt me. Throughout this, he remained very demanding for sex and there were nights that we would actually get in fights while having sex and i would cry because he wouldn't let me stop. I can't get those out of my mind.

 

I had terribly suffocating doubts about the wedding but the wedding was the one thing his mom was looking forward to. Her prognosis was very bleak and it was the only thing that kept her spirits up. I never could have called off the wedding because of that. We went through with it and I remember feeling very very sad on my wedding day. On the honeymoon, we got in a fight so terrible (he was drunk) that it ruined the rest of the trip for me. He screamed in my face and threatened to physically hurt me, and we had received bad news about his mothers cancer that day, so I tried to be understanding of the pain he was dealing with. He apologized the next morning but told me I needed to get over it so we could enjoy our vacation, which is generally his reaction after a major fight... I need to "get over it.".Since then, he has also become very controlling; needing to know where I am at all times, making rules that I can only see friends one time a week and that I should be home by 8 if I go out during the week, wanting to combine all of our banking and control all finances (something we never previously discussed) and it feels like I'm completely losing control of my life. He recently found out that I had confided in my best friend about some, not nearly all, of these issues and he got very upset with me and said I should not talk to anyone except him about the issues we might have because he doesn't talk to anyone about it.

 

His mother has since passed. He has been grieving and has no sympathy for anyone or anything because what he went through was so unfair. He slowly is returning to the reality of life now and realizing that I'm unhappy. He is trying to make an effort... But suddenly to me, it feels like I've already given up. I've stayed because I still love him and care about him... But this is not the love a newlywed should feel. I am not in love with him... I can't bring myself to kiss him and I pray for sex to end quickly because I'm so disgusted by what he has done in the past. I now feel guilty for feeling this way because I do see a glimmer of the man I fell in love with but I don't think I can get past these things. He did go through counseling while his mother was sick but said it didn't help him.

 

I guess by posting my story I'm looking for some help or advice or guidance... I'm not sure I can stay in this marriage. I want to be truly happy and supported in my marriage and I don't ever foresee having that with him. I want someone who loves and adores me and doesn't feel resent towards me, and that I feel the same way for him. But I'm also terrified of leaving.. I'm scared of hurting him and his dad and family, and the guilt of leaving my husband after he has gone through such a traumatic loss, and the guilt of "giving up" less than a year into our marriage and right around the holidays which already is so hard on him. I know on the outside no one will ever know what truly has been happening and I know I'll need to accept looking like a horrible wife who is abandoning her grieving husband. We own a home together which I would move out of and I just don't know how much longer I can stay here. Any advice would be very much appreciated...

[Downtown]

He has always disliked my family and many of my friends and spoken poorly of them.

NewlyWed, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I walked on eggshells... The slightest seemingly insensitive thing I might say would greatly offend him and set him off.

If your H has strong BPD traits, that behavior is to be expected because BPDers mistakenly perceive sleights and insults in harmless comments and actions. The result is that the abused spouses will feel they are always walking on eggshells. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Early on, we were very happy. There were warning signs along the way that he was a bit controlling.

If your H has strong BPD traits, you would not have seen them during the courtship period because his infatuation would have convinced him that you are the nearly perfect woman who had come to rescue him from his unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation would have held his two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Yet, when that infatuation started evaporating (typically about 4 to 6 months later), those fears would return and you would start triggering a release of his anger.

 

I nonetheless caution that, if your H's BPD traits did not start appearing until after four years of living together, you are not describing the red flags for a persistent BPD problem. Rather, in that case, you would only be describing a temporary flareup of BPD traits. If his BPD traits are persistent, however, they likely would have started showing in his early teens and would have disappeared entirely only during the infatuation period.

 

On the honeymoon, we got in a fight so terrible (he was drunk) that it ruined the rest of the trip for me. He screamed in my face and threatened to physically hurt me.... We would actually get in fights while having sex and i would cry because he wouldn't let me stop.

If your H has strong BPD traits, he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

He... told me I needed to get over it so we could enjoy our vacation, which is generally his reaction after a major fight... I need to "get over it."

Likewise, my BPDer exW would recover rapidly from fights and expect me to do the same. Indeed, after throwing a five hour temper tantrum, she would sometimes recover and want to jump into bed with me. Yet, because it would take me several days to get her ugly behavior out of my mind, she alleged that I wouldn't "get over it" because I was "holding grudges."

 

BPDers are able to recover so rapidly from fights because they typically have the emotional maturity of a four year old. Hence, like young children, they are only capable of handling one intense feeling at a time. They accomplish this by "splitting off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love for you), putting it entirely out of reach of their conscious minds.

 

In this way, BPDers and young children are able to avoid having to deal with strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. The result is that BPDers (and young kids) do black-white thinking wherein people are categorized as "all good" and "all bad." And they can recategorize you, from one extreme to the other, in ten seconds. Moreover, a BPDer will be very puzzled by your inability to do such rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. You therefore will be accused of "holding grudges" and your inability to "get over it."

 

I'm looking for some help or advice or guidance.

My advice, given your reluctance to leave him, is that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance. Take care, NewlyWed.

[SoleMate]

Far better to end it now, than 15 + years in with 2-3 kids. I understand you will feel some guilt and regret about ending it, and that's natural and unavoidable. But it sounds like this marriage never really made sense, and you're entitled to change your mind.....you don't have to spend your whole life with him out of guilt and fear. You can leave, divorce, spend 1 or more years getting over this and fixing your own thoughts and actions, then find a man you can bond with for a lifetime out of love and loyalty, NOT guilt and fear. Wishing you the best.

[newmoon]

you had 7 years to make a good choice and you went into it with full knowledge of who and what he is/was. you created your own problem by going forward in spite of red flags. now you have to solve it. just do it sooner rather than later. you already wasted years on him.

[LoveMyCat]

He, and your marriage, will only get worse, not better. The only chance would be if he was willing to go through years of counseling and that seems unlikely, with the personality your describe. Much better to get out now, don't bring kids into this relationship, if it is not too late already, as that will make it harder for you to go and you will never really be free of him. It will be difficult, even embarrassing for you but so much better once you have done it. You need to think of your life, you probably have many decades ahead and you should not spend them with this man. Imo, you will have wasted your life.

[anika99]

I think you shoul give yourself permission to leave him if that's what feels right to you. It sounds like his mothers illness and passing was very traumatic and painful but lots of people go through the pain of the illness and death of their loved ones, sometimes even their children, and they don't turn into scary abusive monsters. His pain didn't give him license to mistreat you and I don't think it all came from his mothers illness anyways. It sounds like you had already started to witness that side of him even before you married him. It also sounds like you knew all along that he wasn't the right one for you but you went through with it to make his mom happy. His mom probably didn't want to think of him being left alone so I don't blame her. I don't blame you either. But it's a marriage that shouldn't have happened and the sooner you end the sooner everyone can get on with their lives. It's sad but if you don't love him and don't want to be married to him then don't drag it out. He is abusive and domineering and isn't likely to be a good husband or father.

[loveboid]

I believe you will find many answers at Lundy Bancroft's blog and in his books.

 

You are absolutely right in your perceptions. Keep safe.

[SaveYourHeart]

I feel like you and I are in somewhat similar situations, newlyweds and miserable. I hope that you have the strength to do what's best for yourself and your life. As much as you love someone, sometimes you have to put yourself first, not him. That's my struggle right now, I hope that you give yourself permission to be happy and not to walk on eggshells anymore. You don't want to look back on your life and realize how much time was wasted being sad, scared and trapped. You deserve better.