What would you do with this guy?

[brokengirl85]

I met him on okcupid. I initiated conversation.

He invited me for a first date. Nice restaurant. He payed. We kissed

He contacted a day later to let me know he'd want a second date.

In the meantime, he's been active on okcupid

We went on a second date. He surprised me with the restaurant, it was obvious he put energy and time organizing the date.

Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date.

At the end of the date we kissed. It was obvious I wanted to kiss more but I felt he was just wanting me to leave

I text him when I got back home (first time ever I initiated) saying I wanted to kiss him more. He replied instantly he also wanted to kiss more :/ I did not reply

Next day he texted me how my day was. I did not reply

 

Background:

He's a 10. Sorry for being this superficial, it's just to give you an idea. (he told me people call him don draper)

He's a professional very succesful in his job in a very good economic position.

He told me women pursue him all the time (makes sense, he's extremely handsome)

He told me he has where to choose for women

He corrected me several times during our dates grammatical errors I made

He never complimented me on my looks

He's been active on okcupid all this time

 

 

My lack of response to his last text was because he specifically told me about his online options, I don't want to be part of that.

Also, he's taking things slow, formal and aloof. It's been two dates but he haven't talked about what we're looking for. I feel insecure.

 

What would you do in this case?

[smackie9]

Those are all the signs he is a player.......red flag.

[brokengirl85]

Those are all the signs he is a player.......red flag.

 

My exact thoughts. However, he hasn't even tried to touch me :S

The fact he makes me feel so insecure and self conscious all the time...

I dropped a piece of bread, he kept staring at me, for example.

 

But he didn't even want to continue kissing me :S

[One_Made_of_Silver]

He sounds like a huge jerk. I wouldn't give him another date if I were you. Next!

[stillafool]

Absolutely he's a player. Don Draper looks and a doctor, women must be throwing themselves at him. What you should do: Not get too invested and date other men too.

[brokengirl85]

Absolutely he's a player. Don Draper looks and a doctor, women must be throwing themselves at him. What you should do: Not get too invested and date other men too.

 

Very true. Adding that he is in a very powerful position because of his job...

 

I honestly felt guilty of not replying to his text, but my gut sense is telling me something is not quite right. I'm a pretty gal, thin and funny, dorky, curious...but I'm not a femme fatale, or an exuberant fox.

I just don't get his level of investment on me.

[smackie9]

My exact thoughts. However, he hasn't even tried to touch me :S

The fact he makes me feel so insecure and self conscious all the time...

I dropped a piece of bread, he kept staring at me, for example.

 

But he didn't even want to continue kissing me :S

People seem to have a misconception about players. The high end ones behave differently that you low level scuzball.

 

The lavish dinners, the lack of communication between dates, no compliments, has no interest in anything about you, they make sure it's you that actually does the chasing for their ego boost, have a lot of female friends, very active on dating sites.....if it quacks like a duck....

 

As for his pickiness about language, and table manners, he's OCD/narcissistic. These things really bother him, and ruins the experience for him. Jerk/weirdo.....run forest run!

[brokengirl85]

People seem to have a misconception about players. The high end ones behave differently that you low level scuzball.

 

The lavish dinners, the lack of communication between dates, no compliments, has no interest in anything about you, they make sure it's you that actually does the chasing for their ego boost, have a lot of female friends, very active on dating sites.....if it quacks like a duck....

 

As for his pickiness about language, and table manners, he's OCD/narcissistic. These things really bother him, and ruins the experience for him. Jerk/weirdo.....run forest run!

 

again, you're right

 

He showed some interest about my childhood this second date (which was absent in first date, bc he did all the talk)

He's online all day long, except when he goes on dates.

 

I had a previous experience last year in which I did all the pursuing with a guy I liked it and I ended up VERY broken hearted, so I've learnt my lesson after that, as for the chasing thing. This is one point I'm happy with with myself, if he thinks I'll chase him (bc he's a dr, and he looks like don draper, and he knows about everything) he is wrong.

 

What I need to figure it out is how reply if he contacts me again

[StBreton]

"Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date"

 

This would be a big red flag for me. I've learned my lesson with those who don't "engage." (only took one time...guy was just not a talker...just not for me) Could be various reasons for this guy not engaging in the conversation such as: lack of social skills (or possibly on the autistic spectrum), narcissistic (he feels he's above you in intellect and can't be bothered with your "trite" conversation), has social skills but is not a "talker" ... last but not least...he's a player and isn't interested in your conversation. In any case, lack of good banter or lack of attention to conversation are deal breakers for me whatever the reason.

 

Because of this characteristic, I wouldn't classify this guy as a 10...I'd give him a 2 even though he's good looking and has a great career. In the end, you're dating a person not a mannequin or a bank account.

[brokengirl85]

"Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date"

 

This would be a big red flag for me. I've learned my lesson with those who don't "engage." (only took one time...guy was just not a talker...just not for me) Could be various reasons for this guy not engaging in the conversation such as: lack of social skills (or possibly on the autistic spectrum), narcissistic (he feels he's above you in intellect and can't be bothered with your "trite" conversation), has social skills but is not a "talker" ... last but not least...he's a player and isn't interested in your conversation. In any case, lack of good banter or lack of attention to conversation are deal breakers for me whatever the reason.

 

Because of this characteristic, I wouldn't classify this guy as a 10...I'd give him a 2 even though he's good looking and has a great career. In the end, you're dating a person not a mannequin or a bank account.

 

Agree! I believe it's more on the narcissistic spectrum. I was trying to engage him to talk about medicine from my perspective, but even thought he's a very well known dr, he just continued eating without looking at me, and then he changed topic. I felt stupid at that moment, like, what am I talking about?

[mrldii]

Regardless of any other factor (his '10' looks, his stellar career, his continuing to be online, his paying for the first date, his fitting a label one way or the other, etc.)

 

there would have been no second date with me because of this alone:

 

"Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date."

 

 

That's the purpose OF first (and subsequent) dates...to see if there's a connection and to ferret out just how truly interested we both are in each other.

 

Best of luck, OP...

[xcupid]

He's dating around at the very least. Probably a player. Next him if he contacts you again. It's not all about looks - it's also about how he treats you and you've already seen the red flags on that.

[smackie9]

Don't respond to this guy if he messages you .....he doesn't deserve anymore of your attention.

[bluefeather]

poor guy. ****'s gonna hit him like a mack truck when he realizes love is so much better... and the irony is that you can probably give that to him.

 

don't let him walk on you.

[brokengirl85]

Regardless of any other factor (his '10' looks, his stellar career, his continuing to be online, his paying for the first date, his fitting a label one way or the other, etc.)

 

there would have been no second date with me because of this alone:

 

"Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date."

 

 

That's the purpose OF first (and subsequent) dates...to see if there's a connection and to ferret out just how truly interested we both are in each other.

 

Best of luck, OP...

 

 

Thank you

 

I do need to add that he seems to be a person who feels comfortable being in charge, both in life and work. He is very full of himself, but at the same time he's not cocky (most of the time)

 

I also need to add that he read my profile, changed some attitudes he was having (I stated I do not like the use of slang in texts, at first he used it somehow a lot, then he stopped using it).

Also, I stated I liked surprises, and he did surprised me on our second date, picking up the restaurant he knew I was going to like.

 

Overall, I'm confused. I know he's dating others, and probably sleeping with others. There's a strong physical chemistry (at least on my side!) and I feel compelled to continue getting to know him.

However, I have this uneasiness or it's maybe fear to get hurt again, that prevents me to fully open, to initiate, or even to reply to his texts.

My guess is that, as I have no validation from him whatsoever, and the fact he's so handsome plus he's online replying all the women who are hitting on him, makes an explosive combo.

[brokengirl85]

So basically you're going to keep seeing him.

 

Stillafool:

 

He contacted me again yesterday to see how my day was going. I did reply.

I noticed, though, he's dryness through his texts.

No suggestion of a third date or any insinuation he misses me or wants to see me again. I asked him how he was, his reply was dry ("I'm well") so I just forgot about him and went online.

 

I will keep my texts short if he ever contacts me again, or maybe I'll ignore and move on.

 

It's hard, though, as I'd have liked he showed more interest/he wasn't a player.

 

What would you do?

[Qboro90]

Stillafool:

 

He contacted me again yesterday to see how my day was going. I did reply.

I noticed, though, he's dryness through his texts.

No suggestion of a third date or any insinuation he misses me or wants to see me again. I asked him how he was, his reply was dry ("I'm well") so I just forgot about him and went online.

 

I will keep my texts short if he ever contacts me again, or maybe I'll ignore and move on.

 

It's hard, though, as I'd have liked he showed more interest/he wasn't a player.

 

What would you do?

 

Honestly, as a guy I'm baffled reading some of the replies you're getting here.

 

You went on TWO dates with this guy!! You don't even know each other! He's not going to act like you're his gf, nor should he, and you shouldn't act like he's your knight in shining armor because he's really handsome. You've done this before in previous threads where you get way ahead of yourself and overthink things that truly don't mean anything more than what they appear to be.

 

You're trying to guilt him or make him initiate more and be very up front with how much he likes you and he probably had 0 clue that you're even thinking this much in depth. Guaranteed he's just thinkin "cute girl, had fun with her, attracted to her, I'll keep talking to her and see where it goes". And that's it.

 

He's not gonna stop being active on okcupid just because you kissed twice and shared 2 meals together. Not exactly "exclusive" by doing that. You should be less worried about what he says and the little meanings they might mean or might now mean and just enjoy getting to know someone and the fun of it all.

 

If you're worried he's a player... Simple solution, just go out with him a couple more times and don't sleep with him. If he stops hitting you up then he's not interested in anything more than physical relationship... If he keeps communicating then he enjoys your company and doesn't mind taking it slow.

 

Again... TWO dates!.... Don't over analyze

Edited December 7, 2015 by Qboro90
Spelling

[truth_seeker]

Honestly, as a guy I'm baffled reading some of the replies you're getting here.

 

You went on TWO dates with this guy!! You don't even know each other! He's not going to act like you're his gf, nor should he, and you shouldn't act like he's your knight in shining armor because he's really handsome. You've done this before in previous threads where you get way ahead of yourself and overthink things that truly don't mean anything more than what they appear to be.

 

You're trying to guilt him or make him initiate more and be very up front with how much he likes you and he probably had 0 clue that you're even thinking this much in depth. Guaranteed he's just thinkin "cute girl, had fun with her, attracted to her, I'll keep talking to her and see where it goes". And that's it.

 

He's not gonna stop being active on okcupid just because you kissed twice and shared 2 meals together. Not exactly "exclusive" by doing that. You should be less worried about what he says and the little meanings they might mean or might now mean and just enjoy getting to know someone and the fun of it all.

 

If you're worried he's a player... Simple solution, just go out with him a couple more times and don't sleep with him. If he stops hitting you up then he's not interested in anything more than physical relationship... If he keeps communicating then he enjoys your company and doesn't mind taking it slow.

 

Again... TWO dates!.... Don't over analyze

 

Disagree. Why is such a good-looking guy, who is a Doctor, who gloats about being chased by women, where he has the power to choose, not chase, on a dating site all day long?

 

Something doesn't smell right with this guy.

[brokengirl85]

Honestly, as a guy I'm baffled reading some of the replies you're getting here.

 

You went on TWO dates with this guy!! You don't even know each other! He's not going to act like you're his gf, nor should he, and you shouldn't act like he's your knight in shining armor because he's really handsome. You've done this before in previous threads where you get way ahead of yourself and overthink things that truly don't mean anything more than what they appear to be.

 

You're trying to guilt him or make him initiate more and be very up front with how much he likes you and he probably had 0 clue that you're even thinking this much in depth. Guaranteed he's just thinkin "cute girl, had fun with her, attracted to her, I'll keep talking to her and see where it goes". And that's it.

 

He's not gonna stop being active on okcupid just because you kissed twice and shared 2 meals together. Not exactly "exclusive" by doing that. You should be less worried about what he says and the little meanings they might mean or might now mean and just enjoy getting to know someone and the fun of it all.

 

If you're worried he's a player... Simple solution, just go out with him a couple more times and don't sleep with him. If he stops hitting you up then he's not interested in anything more than physical relationship... If he keeps communicating then he enjoys your company and doesn't mind taking it slow.

 

Again... TWO dates!.... Don't over analyze

 

Qboro90, thank you for giving me your perspective!

I'm intense sometimes (not really proud of this aspect of my personality!) and I've been hurt badly in the past, so I'm suspicious about everything as well.

 

I don't know what to do or how to act right now, I don't know whether I should wait for him to invite me for a third date, or just ignore him bc I don't how what his intentions are, I don't know if I should reply excited to his texts or just meh.

 

Only thing I know is I'd need more communication and more reassurance and I don't know how to get that from him.

[Qboro90]

Qboro90, thank you for giving me your perspective!

I'm intense sometimes (not really proud of this aspect of my personality!) and I've been hurt badly in the past, so I'm suspicious about everything as well.

 

I don't know what to do or how to act right now, I don't know whether I should wait for him to invite me for a third date, or just ignore him bc I don't how what his intentions are, I don't know if I should reply excited to his texts or just meh.

 

Only thing I know is I'd need more communication and more reassurance and I don't know how to get that from him.

 

You're making it more difficult than it needs to be. I have no idea you're ignoring him. Think about that. You like someone and want to see them more and get to know them.... So you decide to ignore them....? What world does that make sense in.

 

My guess is that you've been hurt in the past because you invested too much to early with the guy and eventually the honeymoon phase passed and his true colors showed which left you getting hurt. Had you just taken your time and not rushed things, you could've seen that he was an ******* before ever agreeing to be his gf or sleeping with him.

 

I sense that you react and form projections in your own head at such an early stage that you sabotage the great possibility it could be from the beginning. Don't go on dates and think "this guys cute and successful so he can be my next boyfriend! Then break down every sentence and action and start playing games and appearing to be a girl with too much baggage or a girl whose too clingy/dramatic/dependent. That's only going to make you look bad.

 

I was so confused when you said that you texted him saying you wanted to kiss him more and he replied positively... Then you just ignored him... Why would you do that? Lol ... He literally was giving you the reply you would hope for and you started playing the "chase me" "I don't have to answer you" game for no reason at all.

 

I'm not trying to come across rude or harsh, just trying to give you a guys perspective. And believe me, I've been with my fair share of women and was considered a "player" throughout hs and college so I can tell if you're getting jerked around. If a guy takes the time to bring you out to a nice dinner, then he's not just looking to play you and mess with you. Clearly you said he's handsome enough so he would've just done something lazy or had you come over his place in order to get laid.

 

You're never going to get a cheat sheet as to who a person is, what they want, what they feel, and what their intentions are this early on in dating. You have to go out with them a handful of times before even thinking about anything more. And even then you're not gonna know the whole truth about them. After 2 dates this guy couldn't tell you what he wants because he doesn't even know you yet.

 

What should you do? If you wanna hang out or talk to him more... Text him. Simple... It doesn't mean you're throwing yourself at him. It just means you don't need to be coddled and treated like a high school girl on her first date. It's ok to text the guy and say "hey wats going on"..

[katiegrl]

Qboro90, thank you for giving me your perspective!

I'm intense sometimes (not really proud of this aspect of my personality!) and I've been hurt badly in the past, so I'm suspicious about everything as well.

 

I don't know what to do or how to act right now, I don't know whether I should wait for him to invite me for a third date, or just ignore him bc I don't how what his intentions are, I don't know if I should reply excited to his texts or just meh.

 

Only thing I know is I'd need more communication and more reassurance and I don't know how to get that from him.

 

IMO, you don't get that from him or any man after two dates. You get that from being secure within yourself, having confidence in yourself... and if you're not, perhaps you are not quite ready to date.

 

It's wrong to burden a man with your own insecurities....these are your issues you need to work out within yourself.

 

It has been two dates, my advice, if you wish to continue dating him, would be to lighten up a bit.

 

If you are not able to that, and find yourself disappointed and hurt by his actions, simply move on.

 

Good luck.....

[dobielover]

He's not engaging you, showing desire to get to know you, it's all on the surface. Why are you attracted to that? Blah. I'd move on, just as I did with a similar guy just yesterday! (They could be the same guy! LOL)

[brokengirl85]

Thank you guys. I do agree that I sabotage myself out of fear.

 

At this moment I won't do anything, I'll keep active in online dating as always and I won't expect anything from him either.

 

I'm really bad at communicating and I also don't want to look desperate, so I'll keep quiet.

Whatever he decides (if he wants a third date or not or ever contacts me again) it's ok either way. My life is difficult already to complicate it more.

[pteromom]

Yes, there are a few red flags here:

 

Ignoring topics you brought up - could be he is a self-involved narcissist, or could be he was still deep in thought about what you were discussing before, or just distracted by something in his own life.

 

Correcting your grammar - could be a sign he is a controlling jerk, or it could be this is his one big pet peeve and he is otherwise nice and chill.

 

You've been on TWO dates. You are not in a relationship yet. You are not owed more communication yet. You shouldn't be handing him your heart on a silver platter yet. You shouldn't be over-analyzing that he didn't kiss you as long as you would have liked. He shouldn't be shutting down his profile yet.

 

Be open to more from him, but have ZERO expectations. Right now, you are in discovery mode. You are not yet trying to build something with him... you are simply getting to know more about him, so you both can decide whether there is something worth pursuing.

 

Be kind and be open. If he asks you out again, go. Worry less about kissing, and more about learning who he is so you can discover whether he is even a guy worth trying with.

 

And - if you are looking for a LTR, you need to be working on your communication. That is a necessary element for a successful relationship.

[Redhead14]

Thank you guys. I do agree that I sabotage myself out of fear.

 

At this moment I won't do anything, I'll keep active in online dating as always and I won't expect anything from him either.

 

I'm really bad at communicating and I also don't want to look desperate, so I'll keep quiet.

Whatever he decides (if he wants a third date or not or ever contacts me again) it's ok either way. My life is difficult already to complicate it more.

 

My rule of thumb was to be receptive/responsive up until the guy arranged a 3rd date. If things went well after the 3rd date and seems to be moving forward, I would then start initiating some texting at least and paying for some dates as well or at least offering.

 

Wait for him to call you and set up a 3rd date and go from there. This guy doesn't owe you anything after 2 dates. And, he can and should be online and/or dating others if he wants to. He's not exclusive with you yet.

 

And, desperateness/neediness/clingyness isn't conveyed by one or two texts here and there. 10 in a row does, especially if they don't respond. My point is, if there is a third date, you can start initiating a little bit so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work.