What would you do with this guy?

[brokengirl85]

That he almost completely ignores you except on the dates...he invests nothing in you

 

BG...if I were you...I'd call him to the table and ask him what he's looking for

 

I've ignored him as well.

And I have no right to call him to the table, I'm not his girlfriend. Gezz

[StBreton]

It was frustrating, because I was hoping to have a more intimate dinner, talking about us. I was waiting to hear him say that he enjoys my company, or that he missed me since last time we saw each other.

 

He doesn't talk about the two of you because he's emotionally unavailable, doesn't want to advance the relationship.

[StBreton]

I've ignored him as well.

And I have no right to call him to the table, I'm not his girlfriend. Gezz

 

 

You don't have to be his girlfriend to ask him what he's thinking about.

 

If I've made it to the 3rd date, a guy and I have talked about what we're looking for in a relationship...we say admiring things to one other that advances the relationship

[katiegrl]

He told me he was a nerd when he was young. Could it be that he's just naturally awkward?

 

There weren't many places open at that time, and the hotel he proposed was an upscale one with a terrace.

He might have wanted to sleep with me but it was not something he firmly pushed me to do.

 

I agree that some of his attitudes are a little off, but I also think you're giving zero chances to this guy who, ultimately, has invited me three times to a really nice places, planned our dates in detail, treat me every time, and was polite and nice (except some comments you know about) what is his sin, so far?

 

It's up to you hun. To me ....despite him taking you out to expensive restaurants, there are many red flags which have been mentioned previously so no need to mention again...

 

If you don't think so, that is fine. You are the one dating him, not me. I just seek more for myself, plus for me, his behavior would just be a turn off.

 

And remember, yesterday you thought he was a huge jerk...and IMO it is only a matter of time before you think so again.

 

But honestly? If you like him and think his motives are genuine, and you feel GOOD dating him, then I hope he calls again.

 

Better yet....why don't you initiate the next date? He has initiated the first three... he would probably think it's nice if you were to initiate the next date.

 

That would show confidence too!

 

I seriously mean that. Since you would still like to date him, why not?

[brokengirl85]

It was frustrating, because I was hoping to have a more intimate dinner, talking about us. I was waiting to hear him say that he enjoys my company, or that he missed me since last time we saw each other.

 

He doesn't talk about the two of you because he's emotionally unavailable, doesn't want to advance the relationship.

 

This is very revealing. Thank you.

[brokengirl85]

It's up to you hun. To me ....despite him taking you out to expensive restaurants, there are many red flags which have been mentioned previously so no need to mention again...

 

If you don't think so, that is fine. You are the one dating him, not me. I just seek more for myself, plus for me, his behavior would just be a turn off.

 

And remember, yesterday you thought he was a huge jerk...and IMO it is only a matter of time before you think so again.

 

But honestly? If you like him and think his motives are genuine, and you feel GOOD dating him, then I hope he calls again.

 

Better yet....why don't you initiate the next date? He has initiated the first three... he would probably think it's nice if you were to initiate the next date.

 

That would show confidence too!

 

I seriously mean that. Since you would still like to date him, why not?

 

 

I'm not inviting nor initiating. I don't have to pursue a man to get a date.

 

You sound a little extremist, and I prefer to take things as they come. I surely have my breakdowns, and my insecurities, but I'm not going to push things with anyone. I'm talking to other people as well, and I'll try to multi date, as weird as this found to me, just to lighten things with this guy.

[StBreton]

BG...I'm a whole lot older than you with a lot of dating experience...this guy's behavior is off.

 

I met a guy at a restaurant/bar ~3 weeks ago out with a girlfriend...we haven't been on an official date yet...though he's asked twice but I was busy. We already know soooo much about each other and what each other is looking for. Just started talking on the phone casually and he led into that stuff and I was very happy to follow...this is how it has always been since I started dating.

 

AND this guy lives in Seattle ... 1000 miles away from me...but he's already booked his ticket for next month, sent me the itinerary, and we have lots of plans for his week here (his daughter lives down the street from me and he'll be staying with her...and he's in the process of moving down here permanently in 2 years). The difference is this the guy I met isn't dating anyone now and he'd like to pursue something with me...and he let me know that...he doesn't play cat and mouse games. Cause I'd be scurrying away:)

 

Taking things as they came didn't work out for your last relationship ...just sayin'

[Qboro90]

I've ignored him as well.

And I have no right to call him to the table, I'm not his girlfriend. Gezz

 

Thats the crazy part tho. You're whole issue is that you're acting like his gf and wanting him to treat and talk to you like a gf. Wanting him to tell you he misses you and thinks your cute and is thinking about you..... That's girlfriend treatment.

 

Sure he could say those things, if I took a girl out and said those things on dates 1-3, I'd think most girls would be like "wow this guys wayyyy to into me and serious at this point, relax guy"..... You're doing the exact opposite.

[katiegrl]

I'm not inviting nor initiating. I don't have to pursue a man to get a date.

 

You sound a little extremist, and I prefer to take things as they come. I surely have my breakdowns, and my insecurities, but I'm not going to push things with anyone. I'm talking to other people as well, and I'll try to multi date, as weird as this found to me, just to lighten things with this guy.

 

Suit yourself. But initiating once in awhile is not chasing or pursuing.

 

It is called *reciprocating* which most men appreciate.

 

Which after three dates wherein he expended a lot of money, would be appropriate, not chasing.

 

I initiated the fourth date with my boyfriend, and we have been together six years.

 

He loved it! It brought us closer in fact.

 

This is of course assuming you feel good about dating him and wish to continue dating him, which it sounds like you do....at least today.

 

But again suit yourself .....g'luck.

[brokengirl85]

BG...I'm a whole lot older than you with a lot of dating experience...this guy's behavior is off.

 

I met a guy at a restaurant/bar ~3 weeks ago out with a girlfriend...we haven't been on an official date yet...though he's asked twice but I was busy. We already know soooo much about each other and what each other is looking for. Just started talking on the phone casually and he led into that stuff and I was very happy to follow...this is how it has always been since I started dating.

 

AND this guy lives in Seattle ... 1000 miles away from me...but he's already booked his ticket for next month, sent me the itinerary, and we have lots of plans for his week here (his daughter lives down the street from me and he'll be staying with her...and he's in the process of moving down here permanently in 2 years). The difference is this the guy I met isn't dating anyone now and he'd like to pursue something with me...and he let me know that...he doesn't play cat and mouse games. Cause I'd be scurrying away:)

 

Taking things as they came didn't work out for your last relationship ...just sayin'

 

 

Well, to be honest with you, your dating story sounds like it could crash any moment. Too many variables are off from what you've written here: you haven't been in a proper date, just talked on the phone, you live 1000 miles apart, lots of plans with a guy you barely know, who has promised to move in two years....

I'd have to be really desperate to give a guy like that a chance. No offense.

[Qboro90]

I'm not inviting nor initiating. I don't have to pursue a man to get a date.

 

You sound a little extremist, and I prefer to take things as they come. I surely have my breakdowns, and my insecurities, but I'm not going to push things with anyone. I'm talking to other people as well, and I'll try to multi date, as weird as this found to me, just to lighten things with this guy.

 

You're not doing anything tho. You're purposely being very cold and distant because you're trying to puff your chest and show that you won't be desperate or clingy like you have in the past where it burned you... But the problem is that this guy and any future guy doesn't have any clue about your past and you're just coming across as a ghost who doesn't care and isn't interest at all. That discourages all communication on a guys part.

 

When he's literally getting nothing from you after 3 very classy and overall respectful dates... I'd be throwing in the towel as well. You want him to say things that in his mind, right now, based off your behavior... Would be incredibly risky to put out there and reveal because you've not shown any emotion towards him. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you I missed you or liked you or want more with you if you acted this way with me.

 

So your comment here where you acknowledge you're not his gf is very confusing to me.

[katiegrl]

You're not doing anything tho. You're purposely being very cold and distant because you're trying to puff your chest and show that you won't be desperate or clingy like you have in the past where it burned you... But the problem is that this guy and any future guy doesn't have any clue about your past and you're just coming across as a ghost who doesn't care and isn't interest at all. That discourages all communication on a guys part.

 

When he's literally getting nothing from you after 3 very classy and overall respectful dates... I'd be throwing in the towel as well. You want him to say things that in his mind, right now, based off your behavior... Would be incredibly risky to put out there and reveal because you've not shown any emotion towards him. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you I missed you or liked you or want more with you if you acted this way with me.

 

So your comment here where you acknowledge you're not his gf is very confusing to me.

 

Despite the fact that *I* personally don't like nor trust this guy..... Qboro, you make good points here^^.

 

I don't even know how to respond anymore.... BK, with respect, is all over the board with her emotions ....mixed and double messages all over the place.

 

I am sure he notices it too...no matter what lengths she goes to .... to try and hide it.

[katiegrl]

BG...I'm a whole lot older than you with a lot of dating experience...this guy's behavior is off.

 

I met a guy at a restaurant/bar ~3 weeks ago out with a girlfriend...we haven't been on an official date yet...though he's asked twice but I was busy. We already know soooo much about each other and what each other is looking for. Just started talking on the phone casually and he led into that stuff and I was very happy to follow...this is how it has always been since I started dating.

 

AND this guy lives in Seattle ... 1000 miles away from me...but he's already booked his ticket for next month, sent me the itinerary, and we have lots of plans for his week here (his daughter lives down the street from me and he'll be staying with her...and he's in the process of moving down here permanently in 2 years). The difference is this the guy I met isn't dating anyone now and he'd like to pursue something with me...and he let me know that...he doesn't play cat and mouse games. Cause I'd be scurrying away:)

 

Taking things as they came didn't work out for your last relationship ...just sayin'

 

Yeah ...my boyfriend was local....but he was the same. First official date (after a fabulous first meet wherein we totally clicked)... told me he was very interested in me and asked if I was dating anyone else or if I was *multi-dater".

 

I replied no, and the relationship took off from there.

 

Very up front, very direct stating what his intentions were.

 

Sounds fabulous St Breton! Keep me posted!

[brokengirl85]

Thank you all for your insightful advice, it has been very useful to me to realize how many different oppinions there are, and I really appreciate it.

 

I'm not going to update it anymore, though, since it's triggering a lot of anxiety and I don't really have to read certain advice that is mostly negative. I'm sorry if I sounded confusing at any time.

 

 

Goodbye

[Kamille]

You have to respect what will help you feel more secure. I understand wanting to let him initiate if you're not sure he's interested.

 

That said, if you feel comfortable with the idea, you could send him a text asking him about something you know he was planning on doing. For instance, a guy I'm seeing was making cookies with his daughter so I wrote to him asking how the cookie making session was going. But only do this if it won't raise your anxiety. The first lesson of dating is that you are responsible for controlling your emotions.

[katiegrl]

Thank you all for your insightful advice, it has been very useful to me to realize how many different oppinions there are, and I really appreciate it.

 

I'm not going to update it anymore, though, since it's triggering a lot of anxiety and I don't really have to read certain advice that is mostly negative. I'm sorry if I sounded confusing at any time.

 

 

Goodbye

 

Respect your decision but one last thing to consider..

 

There is a saying .... we *attract* who we *are*....

 

If one is distant, not honest and forthright about how they feel about something, not genuine, guarded... than that is precisely the type of person they will attract.

 

As much as I see red flags and would not wish to date him myself....you cannot expect him to step up and give more, if you are not willing to do so yourself.

 

That isn't fair.

 

Wish you the best.....

Edited December 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[StBreton]

Well, to be honest with you, your dating story sounds like it could crash any moment. Too many variables are off from what you've written here: you haven't been in a proper date, just talked on the phone, you live 1000 miles apart, lots of plans with a guy you barely know, who has promised to move in two years....

I'd have to be really desperate to give a guy like that a chance. No offense.

 

Crash to what though? I have zero anxiety about it...I'm hopeful but balanced. He's a guy caring, warm hearted, relationship ready guy and...we share some unique activities in common (boating, dunes etc)

 

We spent a few hours together the evening we met after my friend left...but we've spend 20+ hours on the phone getting to know one another...we talk almost every day...when I was away this weekend...he texted every day to just say hi

 

I barely know him in person...but we know we have that "click" factor...and lots of talking getting to know each other conversations...he asks lots of questions about my life and offers a lot about his life.

 

This guy is not moving because of me...his children live down the street from me...he loves his kids and wants to be with them and his plan is to move here...he's thrilled to meet someone who lives in my city because he doesn't want to meet someone where he lives because he doesn't plan on staying there. This has been a long term plan of his.

 

BG...I have zero issues getting a date/dating in my area...but this guy is one in a million...and I'm hopeful. He's emotionally available and has a lot going for him...we have some challenges but they are so minor... at this stage in our lives, we can make it work.

 

The best thing we have going for us is we are both open, honest, transparent, emotionally available and strong, and we believe in love...and we are both ready to pursue something meaning in our lives. So we know all of this (and so much more) without a proper date ... what do you know about this guy you've been on 3 proper dates with? ya that

 

I hope you find what you need out there in the dating world...don't be afraid to be up front about what you want ok?

[Snakechammah]

BG, from your posts, you sound really really sad. Please don't be.

 

I am sure some of the posters meant to give you hard love, they are hard so that you will grow stronger, they mean well, they aren't trying to put you down, but just giving a different perspective.

 

There are others, who do understand and feel what you're going through.

 

Don't be down. Dating is supposed to be fun. Enjoy being young and beautiful! The world is at your finger tips! You are gorgeous and so many guys are wanting to date you.

 

This renowned doctor is interested that he's already gone 3 dates with you! Who cares what his intentions are? If you're not going to give him easy sex, he's never going to get it! Be confident and happy!

 

Heck, be a bit delusional - sometimes it helps!

 

If I am dating a guy and he is driving me to a hotel without asking, I'll be thinking in my head "I'm too sexy for the streets..." and I'll be grinning like a cheshire cat and playing up my sex appeal even more. Of course whether or not he'll get some is ENTIRELY up to me. We are adults and I am completely capable of saying no. I have the power. Point is.... I am delusional enough to make MYSELF happy thinking I'm hot stuff.

 

Even if the reality is.. he's only passing by the damn hotel to get to the petrol station.

 

You have to change your mindset. BE POSITIVE, it changes everything.