Cannot find closure

[elisabethann]

My Ex husband had an affair with the girl he worked with, while all along she tried to make me believe she was my friend. We did things with her and her husband, even went to disney world with them, and all along they were hiding their secret. Oh I had plenty of gut feelings that I ignored, but reality hit when her husband called me and told me for sure because he had their home phone tapped and had many conversations which I listened to and they made me sick to my stomach to know how long this had been going on! There were so many lies and back stabbings, that I felt like a complete idiot when I heard how cruel they had been. They even had a bank account together! .......Well I could tell alot of stories but its been 13 years. My problem is I still cant seem to get over the fact that she is now involved in my kids and grandchilds lives. I drive myself crazy with over thinking!! You would think that I had done something to her the way she always tries to one up me on everything I do, I buy a really cute baby frame for my grandsons picture 8x10...I go over to my daughters and there is a HUGE picture of him hanging on the wall. She makes way more money than me and is always buying him everything!! And If I say anything to my daughter she justs gets upset with me, I understand that she has to be nice to her, but Im always thinking she must be better than me ...more fun to be around, smarter, able to spoil my grandson with her money. I drive myself nuts by thinking oh did SHE buy him that toy or did SHE buy him that new outfit, She bought him a halloween costume, now she already bought him a my first christmas outfit,,,I just feel like she is invading MY territory and I dont like it!! Does anyone have any ideas how to get my sanity back?

[SoleMate]

I'd suggest you do whatever it takes to focus on your own life and loved ones and just kind of brainwipe on the history. Try The Feeling Good Handbook.....it has ideas on how to counter the negative narratives that distress you.

[Poppy47]

Is she now married to your ex husband?

 

That would make it hard to deal with.

 

Poppy.

[minimariah]

i would focus on your relationship with your daughter --

 

is your daughter aware of the affair; did you try to talk to her about feeling disrespected or left out of your grandchild's life WITHOUT trashing the other woman; did you try to communicate with your daughter about wanting to be the one who'll get all the important "firsts" a grandmother usually does for her grandchild?

 

your relationship with the daughter seems strained - her getting upset over your reasonable attempt at communication (at least i hope you approached her in a calm & collected way) is insensitive.

 

i cannot imagine my mother telling me she feels like i'm putting my stepmother over her & ME being the one who is upset AND shrugging it off - something is off about your relationship with your daughter.

 

do NOT give up and do not distance yourself from your family - keep spending time with them, keep buying them things you can afford and keep building a QUALITY relationship with them. so focus on you & your family; do not pay attention or compare yourself to what your ex - husband or his new wife do.

[privategal]

Im sorry. I cant believe she betrayed your entire family but is accepted in and defended by your daughter.

Either way...never compete.

Id not buy the baby much...it seems to be covered...instead give love, patience, try to forgive...feel sorry for her...she has to buy her way in..you only give gifts when its special..the constant giving of gifts gets old and less special. You just be you.

Are you and your ex husband on speaking terms that he might understand your feelings?

[anika99]

I'm so sorry that you went through that double betrayal. It sounds awful what they did to you and I understand why still having the OW around is a sore spot for you. I'm guessing that your marriage ended and your husband ended up marrying the OW? That must have been a truly horrific experience.

 

However your daughter and your grandchild are not going to let her expensive gifts replace you. My son's gf has a family that is much better off financially then I am. They spend more money on my son then I am able too. Likewise my oldest son is married to a woman who's family has more money than I do and they are able to spend more money on my grandchildren than I can. I feel crappy about that sometimes but my sons and my grandchildren clearly love me, I have no doubt, and mostly I'm happy that my sons and my grandchildren have other people in their lives that love and care for them. I don't worry about anyone who happens to be spending more money on my loved ones than I am able to because love can't be bought. Stewing over picture frames is a bit much and it probably sounds silly to your daughter too. She doesn't want to cause a bunch of drama with her father because you are upset over gifts. I don't blame you for disliking the OW, not one bit, but don't let your anger take away your joy of being a grandparent. The only one who is suffering by your resentment and jealousy, is you.

[Josmatjes]

What a difficult situation! I'm so sorry! But know that you will never be replaced, gifts are material things. Hold your head up high, be proud of who you are. Don't let this woman hurt you anymore, she sounds like an awful person. Karma will get her!!

[yodelwithyu]

All of this sounds awful, I am so sorry you had to endure that. But you know what she can't one up you on or buy? Your existence and your blood. You share something that money, marital status and even fighting will never change. YOU are the mother, YOU are the grandmother. YOU don't actually have to prove anything.

 

Blood IS thicker than water. I have had a long rough road with my dad for most, and sometimes I have gone periods in my life when I haven't spoken to him for months or a couple of years. He can be kind of a douche and is like the most insensitive person ever. But you know what? I still love him, he is my dad. I would be there if he needed me, and I would damn sure tear anyone down that tried to tear him down.

 

As for your daughter, she is in an awkward spot, so maybe don't read too much into it unless you have already had a strained relationship.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon. And despite everything, know that situations like these ALWAYS hurt, but sometimes we harder on ourselves than we should be.

[OneLov]

My Ex husband had an affair with the girl he worked with, while all along she tried to make me believe she was my friend. We did things with her and her husband, even went to disney world with them, and all along they were hiding their secret. Oh I had plenty of gut feelings that I ignored, but reality hit when her husband called me and told me for sure because he had their home phone tapped and had many conversations which I listened to and they made me sick to my stomach to know how long this had been going on! There were so many lies and back stabbings, that I felt like a complete idiot when I heard how cruel they had been. They even had a bank account together! .......Well I could tell alot of stories but its been 13 years. My problem is I still cant seem to get over the fact that she is now involved in my kids and grandchilds lives. I drive myself crazy with over thinking!! You would think that I had done something to her the way she always tries to one up me on everything I do, I buy a really cute baby frame for my grandsons picture 8x10...I go over to my daughters and there is a HUGE picture of him hanging on the wall. She makes way more money than me and is always buying him everything!! And If I say anything to my daughter she justs gets upset with me, I understand that she has to be nice to her, but Im always thinking she must be better than me ...more fun to be around, smarter, able to spoil my grandson with her money. I drive myself nuts by thinking oh did SHE buy him that toy or did SHE buy him that new outfit, She bought him a halloween costume, now she already bought him a my first christmas outfit,,,I just feel like she is invading MY territory and I dont like it!! Does anyone have any ideas how to get my sanity back?

 

It's not a competition unless you make it a game. Why is she your rival? Why not complement each other for the benefit of your grandchild? Love is free. The most important thing you can do as a (grand)parent is not compete for but teach the child how to love. Trust me, years from now he won't remember the material items she supplies. At the end of the day, he will know the only thing that really matters; he is loved.