Just need to get it off my chest

[Candles]

I am not under any illusion that I am in a stupid situation, and being a fairly awful person. I just need to get it off my chest....

I am seeing a man who has a girlfriend. Been with his girlfriend 2 years - they are both mid fifties. He is very fit, great body. She is very attractive, but he says he just doesn't fancy her with her clothes off. Says he's not having sex with her (I know it's the oldest line in the book, but I do tend to believe him) They don't live together.

 

I am half his age (God writing this down is so cathartic, it is already making me feel like complete b*tch). He lives near my parents and I met him at a dinner party with his girlfriend. He made some excuse for my details from my mother, and then contacted me with the excuse he was visiting my town and thought he might swing by. I knew from that first email, and with hindsight I wish I had never replied.

We slept together, and it was/is the best sex I've ever had. And I am incredibly attracted to him. It went from just sex, to longer chats, staying the night at each others houses, dinner with friends of his, to a holiday abroad at a friends house.

 

His story is that he gets on with the girlfriend really well, but doesn't fancy her sexually. He knows they won't be together in the future, but he can't leave her because she was cheated on by her ex husband and is really fragile (God this is an awful story) he says he is waiting for her to dump him.

 

I initiated a conversation about thoughts and feelings, and told him that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave her. He doesn't want more children, and is obviously too old for any long term plans. However I said that if he ended things with her we could have some guilt free time together. His answer is her fragility. But as I said to him, wouldn't walking in on us having sex be MUCH worse?!

 

I told him last week that I was getting too attached, and finding it harder to separate sex and emotion. I was starting to be jealous of his girlfriend. I told him that I wanted to stop seeing him. He said when things change his end can he contact me, and that one line gave me this weird flash of thinking that would be soon and we could get together. We ended up sleeping together. Rubbish I know...

 

I am writing this to get it off my chest. I am an awful person, but it's an addiction. I live on my own, and although I know I should end it, half of me thinks I would just be punishing myself by getting rid of something I enjoy. I have no will power.

[Lady2163]

I realize you and I are in different generations and probably different continents, but you're really not an idiot or b!tch.

 

You were seduced. I know you're in yours mid to late 20s and believe yourself to be all grown up and possibly very worldly. I have no doubt you were probably more sexually advanced at a younger age than I was.

 

But, no matter our age, people are still very flattered by being seduced and chased. It is heady to see what people will do when they are pursuing....As long as they aren't stalkers.

 

This guy plotted and planned to cheat on his "fragile girlfriend". If she is in her 40s (or even 30s), I guarantee you have a much nicer body. Breasts start to sag, vaginas don't always fully recover from childbirth, the muscles there are never as powerful once a baby has gone through there, stretch marks happen, oh - and that wonderful gift 40 something and 50 something women get - the lack of lubrication at times. I've never had kids, but I can tell you that things are not as great under the hood as they used to be. DAMNIT! In many aspects, I'm a better lover in my mid to late 40s than I was in my mid to late 20s. Too bad my body isn't as great. Again, DAMNIT.

 

But, after he caught you, he realized he could now keep you at arms length and still get what he wanted. If he knows he is the best sex you've ever had, he's also got that card to play. If he knows you crave him, he can give you just enough crumbs to keep you waiting in the wings.

 

My advice? Find someone who wants the same things you want and show them the tricks he uses on you in bed over time. "I like this, I don't like this." "I want to try something, but am a bit embarrassed to show you." "Will you do this to me?"

[Popsicle]

Maybe he doesn't like sex with her, but he does care for her a lot as a person. (Some people call this love)

 

We know he likes sex with you, and he may even begin to care for you a lot too, if he doesn't already now.

 

The trouble is, he still does care for his girlfriend and can't/won't leave her. Some MM end up like this and can't make a decision.

 

Your only choice is the make the decision for him (and for you) and leave him. He will never make a decision and will keep you both.

[georgia girl]

I realize you and I are in different generations and probably different continents, but you're really not an idiot or b!tch.

 

You were seduced. I know you're in yours mid to late 20s and believe yourself to be all grown up and possibly very worldly. I have no doubt you were probably more sexually advanced at a younger age than I was.

 

But, no matter our age, people are still very flattered by being seduced and chased. It is heady to see what people will do when they are pursuing....As long as they aren't stalkers.

 

This guy plotted and planned to cheat on his "fragile girlfriend". If she is in her 40s (or even 30s), I guarantee you have a much nicer body. Breasts start to sag, vaginas don't always fully recover from childbirth, the muscles there are never as powerful once a baby has gone through there, stretch marks happen, oh - and that wonderful gift 40 something and 50 something women get - the lack of lubrication at times. I've never had kids, but I can tell you that things are not as great under the hood as they used to be. DAMNIT! In many aspects, I'm a better lover in my mid to late 40s than I was in my mid to late 20s. Too bad my body isn't as great. Again, DAMNIT.

 

But, after he caught you, he realized he could now keep you at arms length and still get what he wanted. If he knows he is the best sex you've ever had, he's also got that card to play. If he knows you crave him, he can give you just enough crumbs to keep you waiting in the wings.

 

My advice? Find someone who wants the same things you want and show them the tricks he uses on you in bed over time. "I like this, I don't like this." "I want to try something, but am a bit embarrassed to show you." "Will you do this to me?"

 

This is phenomenal insight and advice. Please read this over and over. This guy is genuinely playing you and using your feelings. Get out and find someone with whom you can genuinely build a life.

 

You are not a bad person. You are just young and in infatuation. Listen to Lady. You will not ever get better advice.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, you're not stupid or horrible. However, you're making really bad choices in regards to your life. Please stop thinking that you can have a sexual relationship with a man and that you'll somehow keep it casual. Then this is compounded by him being much older than you, and in a relationship with someone else. I really wish women would understand how important it is to be careful about who we allow into our lives. There would be so many less problems.

 

While you may not understand how much damage this is doing to your life, he certainly does. I wish there was something that would wake you up and realize that staying in a relationship with this guy is extremely unhealthy for you in many, many ways. Please do yourself a favor and extract yourself from this situation as soon as possible.

[still_an_Angel]

Not just off your chest but get him out of your life too. Its no breeze being in a situation like this. The longer you stay the harder it is to get off the carousel.

 

But you will have to find the right time and the right frame of mind and in time, you will be ready to walk away. Best of luck to you.

[sandylee1]

They don't even live together and he can't break it off with her? She's a GF and not a wife.

 

He set out to make you a mistress from day one... I think that says a lot about what he thought of you and what he hoped you'd accept.

 

He doesn't even respect the fact that he knows your parents and sought your number from your mother. ..... with the knowledge that you'd be his mistress .. I find his whole scheming disgusting and so should you.

[Candles]

Thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it.

You have all said what I need to hear. The one person I have properly confided in reads too much into it, and tries to analyse his behaviour etc. But I think from early on I knew the truth.

 

He is not worth my time, emotion, and energy. It's very difficult being on your own, and not allowing yourself some fun and intimacy. I also enjoy his company.

 

I honestly wish it had never started

[Methodical]

His story is that he gets on with the girlfriend really well, but doesn't fancy her sexually. He knows they won't be together in the future, but he can't leave her because she was cheated on by her ex husband and is really fragile (God this is an awful story) he says he is waiting for her to dump him.

 

I initiated a conversation about thoughts and feelings, and told him that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave her. He doesn't want more children, and is obviously too old for any long term plans. However I said that if he ended things with her we could have some guilt free time together. His answer is her fragility. But as I said to him, wouldn't walking in on us having sex be MUCH worse?!

 

I told him last week that I was getting too attached, and finding it harder to separate sex and emotion. I was starting to be jealous of his girlfriend. I told him that I wanted to stop seeing him. He said when things change his end can he contact me, and that one line gave me this weird flash of thinking that would be soon and we could get together. We ended up sleeping together. Rubbish I know...

 

Lady's post hit the nail on the head.

 

But, after he caught you, he realized he could now keep you at arms length and still get what he wanted. If he knows he is the best sex you've ever had, he's also got that card to play. If he knows you crave him, he can give you just enough crumbs to keep you waiting in the wings.[/Quote]

 

IMO, he is a player who pretends to care about others' well-being, which simply isn't true. Otherwise, he wouldn't be seeing you on the side while using his gf's "fragile state" as an excuse to remain in a mediocre relationship. As you stated, him breaking off the relationship with her would be less painful than her potentially discovering that he is doing exactly what her ex did, which caused her devastation.

 

You've probably heard the old adage, "you can't have your cake and eat it too."

But, that is exactly what he is doing by keeping you and his gf. It's a win-win for him. You get the crumbs Lady mentioned and the gf is being duped. He's not a great catch IMO.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, you certainly wouldn't be the first young lady some mouth-breather pursued and you certainly won't be the last.

 

This guy is SO damned cliché it isn't even funny.

 

I'm sure HE has the body of a 25 year old Adonis, right? Yes, his same age girlfriend is hideous to look at while he's looking like a Chippendales dancer at 55.

 

Got it.

 

For what it's worth, it's highly doubtful that he's not having sex with his girlfriend. The letch is merely enjoying getting himself some young tail, is all.

 

Surely you have to know this? I mean, regardless of the sugary empty bullsh*t stories he feeds you to get what he wants, you DO know this?

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not the lady I was in my 20's (I'm in my 40's now) LIFE changes you. I know that sounds so obvious but I never truly thought about it when I was your age. I look back now & the really big things I've been through are obvious but please know that every little choice, every little step makes a difference.

 

This is changing who you are & YOUR perception of your behavior isn't changing you in good ways. While you are doing this you are closed to other opportunities that could be making you a better you, giving you a better life. One day you will be sharing your past with your future husband.

 

OMG I sound like my mother!! "I wish I knew then what I know now!". Hahaha!

 

You know this isn't good. You're complicit in misery. Do you really need this in your life?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I am not under any illusion that I am in a stupid situation, and being a fairly awful person. I just need to get it off my chest....

I am seeing a man who has a girlfriend. Been with his girlfriend 2 years - they are both mid fifties. He is very fit, great body. She is very attractive, but he says he just doesn't fancy her with her clothes off. Says he's not having sex with her (I know it's the oldest line in the book, but I do tend to believe him) They don't live together.

 

I am half his age (God writing this down is so cathartic, it is already making me feel like complete b*tch). He lives near my parents and I met him at a dinner party with his girlfriend. He made some excuse for my details from my mother, and then contacted me with the excuse he was visiting my town and thought he might swing by. I knew from that first email, and with hindsight I wish I had never replied.

We slept together, and it was/is the best sex I've ever had. And I am incredibly attracted to him. It went from just sex, to longer chats, staying the night at each others houses, dinner with friends of his, to a holiday abroad at a friends house.

 

His story is that he gets on with the girlfriend really well, but doesn't fancy her sexually. He knows they won't be together in the future, but he can't leave her because she was cheated on by her ex husband and is really fragile (God this is an awful story) he says he is waiting for her to dump him.

 

I initiated a conversation about thoughts and feelings, and told him that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave her. He doesn't want more children, and is obviously too old for any long term plans. However I said that if he ended things with her we could have some guilt free time together. His answer is her fragility. But as I said to him, wouldn't walking in on us having sex be MUCH worse?!

 

I told him last week that I was getting too attached, and finding it harder to separate sex and emotion. I was starting to be jealous of his girlfriend. I told him that I wanted to stop seeing him. He said when things change his end can he contact me, and that one line gave me this weird flash of thinking that would be soon and we could get together. We ended up sleeping together. Rubbish I know...

 

I am writing this to get it off my chest. I am an awful person, but it's an addiction. I live on my own, and although I know I should end it, half of me thinks I would just be punishing myself by getting rid of something I enjoy. I have no will power.

 

The irony is just beyond ridiculous.

[sandylee1]

What is going to make her dump him?

If she doesn't know he's cheating why would she do this?

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you believe the line that he's just waiting for his girlfriend to break up with him then I have a bridge I want to sell you

 

Come on OP, where's your dignity?

[Poppy47]

Just a question....do you seriously think that people who don't live together can't have sex????

 

He might look fabulous now but in 25 years he will be 75ish and you will be 50. Maybe not so attractive then.

 

Look at him as a lesson in your life and consider it learned. He flattered you and you fell for it.

 

Poppy.

[Ms. Faust]

 

He doesn't want more children, and is obviously too old for any long term plans. However I said that if he ended things with her we could have some guilt free time together.

 

If you consider him too old for your long term plans then asking him to break up with his girlfriend just for some "guilt free time together" is very selfish of you. You know you're not in it for the long haul, so why should he break up with his girlfriend just to appease your conscience?

 

Don't get me wrong, from what you said this guy sounds like a Grade A LOSSEERRR, and he should break up with his girlfriend, but the reasons you cite are ridiculous.

[Candles]

I'm not the lady I was in my 20's (I'm in my 40's now) LIFE changes you. I know that sounds so obvious but I never truly thought about it when I was your age. I look back now & the really big things I've been through are obvious but please know that every little choice, every little step makes a difference.

 

This is changing who you are & YOUR perception of your behavior isn't changing you in good ways. While you are doing this you are closed to other opportunities that could be making you a better you, giving you a better life. One day you will be sharing your past with your future husband.

 

OMG I sound like my mother!! "I wish I knew then what I know now!". Hahaha!

 

You know this isn't good. You're complicit in misery. Do you really need this in your life?

 

Thank you for an honest, but kind reply. You have hit the nail on the head, I have been closing myself off from opportunities because I have someone I see a few times a week.

Someone else also said it well when they said that his life is complete with me in it, but I only have strands of someone in my life.

 

I am an intelligent person, who knows ALL of this. I posted this because I needed the kick up the arse to move on. I came out of a 4 year relationship, and live rurally on my own. I guess the reason this liason has got as far as it has is because I am flattered by the attention, and grateful for any attention.

 

I am so grateful for you all taking the time to read my story, and give me constructive criticism

[Candles]

If you consider him too old for your long term plans then asking him to break up with his girlfriend just for some "guilt free time together" is very selfish of you. You know you're not in it for the long haul, so why should he break up with his girlfriend just to appease your conscience?

 

Don't get me wrong, from what you said this guy sounds like a Grade A LOSSEERRR, and he should break up with his girlfriend, but the reasons you cite are ridiculous.

 

Sorry I glossed over that part a bit. He says he doesn't want to be with her in the future, that he wants to live abroad half the year in a few years, he doesn't want to get married again, and he doesn't want more children. Basically saying he wants to be a bachelor for the rest of his life. So my suggestion of him breaking up with his girlfriend for some guilt free fun together was based on that. The fact that he acknowledges he doesn't want to grow old with someone of commit to someone.

 

 

Yes he is a loser!

[ladydesigner]

I am not under any illusion that I am in a stupid situation, and being a fairly awful person. I just need to get it off my chest....

I am seeing a man who has a girlfriend. Been with his girlfriend 2 years - they are both mid fifties. He is very fit, great body. She is very attractive, but he says he just doesn't fancy her with her clothes off. Says he's not having sex with her (I know it's the oldest line in the book, but I do tend to believe him) They don't live together.

 

I am half his age (God writing this down is so cathartic, it is already making me feel like complete b*tch). He lives near my parents and I met him at a dinner party with his girlfriend. He made some excuse for my details from my mother, and then contacted me with the excuse he was visiting my town and thought he might swing by. I knew from that first email, and with hindsight I wish I had never replied.

We slept together, and it was/is the best sex I've ever had. And I am incredibly attracted to him. It went from just sex, to longer chats, staying the night at each others houses, dinner with friends of his, to a holiday abroad at a friends house.

 

His story is that he gets on with the girlfriend really well, but doesn't fancy her sexually. He knows they won't be together in the future, but he can't leave her because she was cheated on by her ex husband and is really fragile (God this is an awful story) he says he is waiting for her to dump him.

 

I initiated a conversation about thoughts and feelings, and told him that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave her. He doesn't want more children, and is obviously too old for any long term plans. However I said that if he ended things with her we could have some guilt free time together. His answer is her fragility. But as I said to him, wouldn't walking in on us having sex be MUCH worse?!

 

I told him last week that I was getting too attached, and finding it harder to separate sex and emotion. I was starting to be jealous of his girlfriend. I told him that I wanted to stop seeing him. He said when things change his end can he contact me, and that one line gave me this weird flash of thinking that would be soon and we could get together. We ended up sleeping together. Rubbish I know...

 

I am writing this to get it off my chest. I am an awful person, but it's an addiction. I live on my own, and although I know I should end it, half of me thinks I would just be punishing myself by getting rid of something I enjoy. I have no will power.

 

Wow he sounds like a real nice guy.