Have I just ended a friendship or an emotional affair (was I OW)?

[Lovezen_30]

I’m mid-20s and have been friends with a guy for several years. He complimented me a lot, offered me a constant shoulder to cry on and behaved as though it was like someone personally wounded him if I was hurt.

 

Over the past year we have spent more time together. When apart, we sent each other photos of things that reminded us of each other. And when I told him I was going to a foreign country, he started learning the language and would sometimes write to me in that language. He said “we”ll learn together” and I have to say I found it…romantic.

 

I realised that his relationship was far more serious than he has let on. He would hint that he was not happy, but that his girlfriend was pushing for more commitment & told me that she sometimes lied to him. Meanwhile, he counselled me through a break up.

 

When together, he would act like the perfect gentleman, insist on paying for everything and I felt (although this could be me projecting) that there was tension between us. We’d go to galleries, spend hours in the park, sit next to each other relaxing and quietly reading. Our hands would be a centimeter apart and it would take everything inside me not to reach out and touch him.

 

The next time we arranged to meet, he blew me off last minute to be with his girlfriend. Something erupted inside of me & I had a huge go at him – he kept apologizing and telling me he was sorry for taking me for granted recently. In my anger, I told him that I thought it was time to end the friendship – at this, he sent several messages begging me to change my mind and signing off with his love in every one. He said he would find a way to make to make it up to me and I told him he could by coming to see me soon. He said he would. And suddenly I was terrified that if he did, I might make a move and perhaps he wouldn’t turn me down.

 

I sent him an email, explaining that my anger had been a front for the fact my feelings for him had changed. I told him it hurt me to hear him talk about his girlfriend and told him not to come and see me because it would disrespect his relationship. I then told him I was discontinuing the friendship until I could resolve my feelings for him – and alluded to the fact this could be permanent (but left the door open).

 

My body has had a very strong reaction. Since I cut him off there are times when I wake up from nightmares about him in sweats and I wake up in the morning with some agonizing cramps. I’m very tearful and my appetite has taken a hit. I haven’t yet checked to see if he responded to my email and don’t intend to until the healing process is well on its way.

 

How can I know that I haven’t made the wrong decision long-term? I know that he did genuinely care for me as a friend and I think I may regret this later.

[Lovezen_30]

What do people think? Would appreciate opinions?

 

Always helps when you TRY to make a good decision and yet doubt whether it's the right thing or not...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Did you do the right thing?? Put it this way, when another woman gets too close with your future boyfriend, I hope she has the integrity to walk away like you did.

 

Treat others as you would like to be treated and you can't go wrong.

[sandylee1]

I think that if he ends the relationship with his GF, you can rekindle your friendship with him and see where it goes.

 

 

You clearly have very strong feelings for him and he has a certain attachment to you, based on his reaction when you decide to halt the friendship.

 

 

When you ask if it was an EA or friendship.... ask yourself this.... if you were his GF, would you be happy to see the texts, emails and the interaction the two of you had? Would you behave the same way if you had a BF?

 

 

If the answer to both questions is NO, then this was an EA and you were the OW.

[Lovezen_30]

Did you do the right thing?? Put it this way, when another woman gets too close with your future boyfriend, I hope she has the integrity to walk away like you did.

 

Treat others as you would like to be treated and you can't go wrong.

 

Thanks Scarlett. Makes me feel I did the right thing.

 

I told him that exact sentiment: that I always treat people the way I want to be treated (suggesting he wasn't).

 

But: there is a seed of doubt saying it was all you, he must think you're crazy for ending things like that.

[Lovezen_30]

I think that if he ends the relationship with his GF, you can rekindle your friendship with him and see where it goes.

 

 

You clearly have very strong feelings for him and he has a certain attachment to you, based on his reaction when you decide to halt the friendship.

 

 

When you ask if it was an EA or friendship.... ask yourself this.... if you were his GF, would you be happy to see the texts, emails and the interaction the two of you had? Would you behave the same way if you had a BF?

 

 

If the answer to both questions is NO, then this was an EA and you were the OW.

 

Thanks sandylee.

 

Yes - I was actually quite surprised by his reaction when I suggesting ending things. Sending his love, loads of kisses etc...what must his gf think? For the most part, our messages have been clean. I would say there is probably one incriminating email (by him), that, if I found it as his GF I would feel pretty betrayed.

 

It's so difficult because on the one hand -- I adore this man. I always have, but it took me some time to see past the idiots I was dating and he realised he'd been there all along. I just have to live with that. But on the other -- his behaviour regarding me has made me question his character lately.

[yodelwithyu]

But: there is a seed of doubt saying it was all you, he must think you're crazy for ending things like that.

 

Hey Lovezen, sorry you are going through a tough time! But I wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter if it was all you. You do have feelings for him, and he is in a relationship. So regardless of how he feels or what he thinks, you did the right, and the smart thing. It makes you a good person that when you realized you felt more than friends, you pulled back. If he has no intentions of cheating, then he will either let you be on your way, or end it with his girlfriend. Any other way might lead you down the road of the Other Woman, and that is a sh*tty ass, scary and sad road that you should not have to walk down.

 

Take care! You are doing the right thing!

[Lovezen_30]

Hey Lovezen, sorry you are going through a tough time! But I wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter if it was all you. You do have feelings for him, and he is in a relationship. So regardless of how he feels or what he thinks, you did the right, and the smart thing. It makes you a good person that when you realized you felt more than friends, you pulled back. If he has no intentions of cheating, then he will either let you be on your way, or end it with his girlfriend. Any other way might lead you down the road of the Other Woman, and that is a sh*tty ass, scary and sad road that you should not have to walk down.

 

Take care! You are doing the right thing!

 

Thanks yodelwithyu! I think he would probably have been quite shocked to hear what I had to say - and actually, I'm not sure if he would leave his girlfriend. I basically said that I had developed stronger feelings/needed time to figure out exactly what they were more clearly and he might think - well, if she's not even sure how she feels why would I risk everything? I played them down a little bit out of respect, but still think I made it clear enough. Agh...still, I did the right thing.

 

I'm just feeling bad because I'll miss my friend. Will miss being there for each other, like we always have. Now will be the time to nurture other relationships big time!

[kamani]

You did the right and smart thing to do, to end the friendship.

 

But I warn you not to look forward to his reply in email, perhaps his words and begging to be friends again can change your mind.

 

Keep away from him and go NC till you are completely healed. By the time you are over him, you will hardly crave for his friendship again.

[Lovezen_30]

You did the right and smart thing to do, to end the friendship.

 

But I warn you not to look forward to his reply in email, perhaps his words and begging to be friends again can change your mind.

 

Keep away from him and go NC till you are completely healed. By the time you are over him, you will hardly crave for his friendship again.

 

I think he might not reply - but only because I said I didn't "need" a reply and because I made it obvious I needed space. I think he'll also be in shock.

 

I think he might find it easy-ish to keep space for a while - but maybe he'll cave and reach out when the pain kicks in. We miss each other usually anyway, so cutting him off is bound to hurt. But if he truly cares about me, maybe he'll let me go.

 

We actually did lose touch for quite a while at one point. He suddenly looked me up again...when he had just moved in with his girlfriend/made a strong commitment. Wonder if that meant anything, subconsciously even?

[whichwayisup]

You haven't made a mistake. Bottom line is, you have feelings for him and every single time you're talking to him or spending time with him your feelings get stronger. Being around him is too painful so GOOD FOR YOU for ending it. This is putting yourself first, loving you first. So no, you didn't make a mistake.

 

It's okay to feel hurt and cry, grieve the loss of the friendship but don't let this get you down for too long. Focus and bond with your women friends.

[S2B]

You were his secret. You shouldn't settle for that.

 

It would be hurtful to his gf if she realized he has been connecting emotionally with you during THEIR relationship.

 

 

He's two faced!

 

 

Stay away knowing you deserve more than being a secret to someone who lies and pretends.

 

 

Of course he's gonna send live and kisses - he wants you back in the other woman position so he can use you to feed his ego!

 

Love, real love, doesn't require using someone and lying.

 

I'm glad you ended it!

[Lovezen_30]

You were his secret. You shouldn't settle for that.

 

It would be hurtful to his gf if she realized he has been connecting emotionally with you during THEIR relationship.

 

 

He's two faced!

 

 

Stay away knowing you deserve more than being a secret to someone who lies and pretends.

 

 

Of course he's gonna send live and kisses - he wants you back in the other woman position so he can use you to feed his ego!

 

Love, real love, doesn't require using someone and lying.

 

I'm glad you ended it!

 

Yeah, all the love and kisses just made me angrier. How dare he send those messages to me begging forgiveness and promising not to take me for granted (as though I am a girlfriend??) when he is in a committed relationship Also, I do actually care about the way other women are treated, so that was part of it too.

 

I will say though - this man has a good heart deep down. There's no doubt in my mind that due to different circumstances he's lost his way and is acting out because of it. It's not an excuse. I can't stick around, because I don't know if/when he'll get back on track or not.

[S2B]

Yeah, all the love and kisses just made me angrier. How dare he send those messages to me begging forgiveness and promising not to take me for granted (as though I am a girlfriend??) when he is in a committed relationship Also, I do actually care about the way other women are treated, so that was part of it too.

 

I will say though - this man has a good heart deep down. There's no doubt in my mind that due to different circumstances he's lost his way and is acting out because of it. It's not an excuse. I can't stick around, because I don't know if/when he'll get back on track or not.

 

He does not have a good heart!

 

He betrayed his GF and wasn't honest with her about creating a strong emotional connection with you.

 

He used you!!! He did! That hurts!

 

That's not a nice man or a good heart.

 

Stop making excuses for him being a complete douchebag by using TWO women.

 

He needs his ego fed. That type of guy will always cheat.